Champoon Wrasslin': Season 3: Jefe Wars: Return of the Dragi
Jul 26, 2020 21:07:08 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 5 more like this
Post by The King on Jul 26, 2020 21:07:08 GMT -5
WELCOME MORTALS.
Sitting upon his mighty throne would be Darth Emperor Big Drag, a bright serious smile on his face.
TONIGHT YOU HAVE CHOSEN CORRECTLY... TONIGHT YOU ARE WATCHING JEFE WARS.
His eyes would flash bright red, then green, then blue, then black.
WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS IS HAPPENING LIVE AS WE SPEAK.
Big Drag would ominously chuckle.
NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS HAS BEEN AND GONE.
A shrug would form.
YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO WATCH AN AWF SHOW. SWAT'S BATTLEGROUND. MCCW VOLTAGE. DESTINY SHOWDOWN OR DARK HORSE INDUSTRIES. BUT YOU HAVEN'T, INSTEAD YOU HAVE CHOSEN CHAMPOON. JEFE WARS. AND TONIGHT YOU WILL WATCH BIG DRAG'S ULTIMATE CORONATION AS THE OMNIPOTENT CW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION.
His face would form into an ass.
I AM THE BIG ASS.
Then it would shrink back to his humanoid form.
BUT I AM NOT GOING TO BE THE BIGGEST ASS.
He would close his eyes and a planet would form behind him in the throne room window. It was bright red, and in the middle was the gigantic face of Dylan Black engraved in the mountains and canyons.
DYLAN BLACKETH, AFTER TONIGHT I SHALL MAKE AN ASS OUT OF YOU. THE BIGGEST THE REALMS HAVE EVER SEEN.
The throne room would shake, something was powering up.
THIS SHOW WILL HUMILIATE YOU. THIS SHOW WILL CRITICIZE YOU. AND THIS SHOW WILL ANNIHILATE YOU.
He would slowly raise his index finger.
WHAT A NICE PLANET WE HAVE BEHIND US. I'VE FILLED IT WITH MILLIONS OF MINI DYLAN BLACKS.
The finger would be placed on the side of his ear.
IT'D BE A SHAME IF SOMEONE COMMITTED MASS GENOCIDE.
The Dylan Black planet would blow up through the use of the Rat Star.
WELCOME MORTALS...
TO THE RETURN OF DRAGI
No. No no no. No thankyou. Nope.
Dylan would shoot upright on his bed, eyes wide and face in complete shock at the hut that surrounded him. He was back where it all started. Tatooine. His mechanical hand missing. Last he remembered he had passed out to DT's submission in the main event of Night of Champions - and now here he was, waking up in a completely different fucking realm.
I ain't doing this shit, nope. Not again. I'm fucked.
He would shrug, sighing.
I'm fucked. We're all fucked.
Rolling off of the bed and onto his feet he would be shocked at the appearance of a blue lightsaber in his left hand, his only good hand. It would turn on and nearly split through the middle of his skull as he threw it to the ground and froze. His head heavy and dizzy like a really bad hangover.
Fuck you Drag. Fuck you.
He would shove open the door to his hut and step outside into the blistering hot double suns, his feet burning atop the red sand. His Jedi tunic was black, with a white flap flopped down. He would fall to his knees in the sand and run his hands through his head - visibly shaken.
HERE HE IS! WE'VE FOUND HIM!
Dylan was in shock for a couple of seconds, the troops approaching him looked exactly like Anomoly, his alter ego! Racing to his feet he went to approach, immediately diving back into the hut as they opened fire and aimed at the Jedi - their lasers pulverizing the wall and only barely zipping past the CW World Heavyweight Champion's head.
FUCK THIS SHIT!
He would pick the lightsaber back up from off of the floor and ignite it, holding it firm within his left hand - his wrong hand. Taking one long deep breath, he'd await the first troop to burst through the door, awkwardly slicing at his arm as the Anomoly Troop shrieked in pain and dropped to his knees! Dylan would gasp and almost feel the pain, wanting to apologize but instead finishing him off with a swing through the helmet that sliced the troop's skull in two. The other troops barged in and one managed to tackle Dylan to the floor, the other pounded on him with fists.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE JUST NPC-
Smack! One of Dylan's teeth went flying from his mouth, his face a bloody beaten mess.
THE FUCK!
One troop pointed the gun at Dylan's head! He pulled on the trigger but a smack against the troops skull dropped him unconscious, the shot went through the floor - another followed to the troop next to Dylan, who flopped knocked out by the impact of a stick behind him. Dylan froze - eyes the widest they had ever been. The man before him was an all too familiar face.
JEFFERY FUCKING VIPER.
FUCK RIGHT OFF. NO. WHY. I THOUGHT WE FINISHED ALL THIS SHIT BETWEEN US.
Jeffery would throw the stick to the ground in a tantrum, placing his hands on his head.
Dylan?! They told me Master Skywalker was going to be played by DT...
Dylan would scramble to his feet and bang his head against the wall.
Wait wait wait, you're playing the role of REY?!
Jeffery would look down at his costume and shrug.
Yeah, I guess, why-
Dylan would scoff, shaking his head, wanting to cry out.
You're about two decades early! This is Episode Six!
Jeffery would gasp.
OH! Well damn... that's my bad.
Dylan would fall to his ass and rest his head against the wall - eyes shut, head hurting.
Let's, uh, get past the elephant in the room...
Dylan would open his eyes, confused. Jeffery would side step around an elephant that now appeared through the doorway - patting it as he went by.
We, uh, you, um. Well... Uh, last time we saw each other, you, um, well, uh, you stole my World title. By any chance do you still have it?
Dylan would scrunch his nose up, pissed off.
Stole?! I beat you fair and square!
Jeffery's nose would scrunch up.
...that's past the point. Do you still have it?
Dylan's eyes would fixate on the belt that now appeared under his pillow across the room. He would sigh and shrug.
Yeah, I guess I do.
He would drag himself back to his feet and yank it out from underneath, holding it in the light of the room.
It's been 365 days... And I still have it.
Jeffery would cough, clearing his throat, rubbing his hand through his hair.
Well uh, you wanna give it back?
Dylan would scoff.
Fuck no!
Jeffery would almost sulk. Dylan would take a long look at the belt before gazing down at the dismembered Anomoly Trooper, his eyes lighting up.
Actually...
He would throw the belt at Jeffery who fumbled to catch it, shockingly surprised.
You can have it... Saves me from losing my head.
Jeffery would try to hold back the tears, placing it around his waist.
You mind doing up the velcro for me, son?
Dylan would cartoonishly grab the velcro of the belt and strap it around Jeffery's waist - who giggled like a little school girl.
I am not your son. Now if you don't mind me... I've got to find a way out of here.
Dylan would sigh and shake his head.
It's time I learnt how to realm jump...
A ship would pull in to a base, landing with a mighty thud on the platform. A head would poke out of the cockpit and smash through the glass - a big brown hairy head that threw up everywhere. A motion sick Triple B. Another head would pop up, this time wearing a Mandalorian helmet - he would plonk a helmet on Triple B's head and loudly whisper.
You've got to stay disguised! I've been told we're wanted criminals!
Both men would exit the ship looking awfully disguised.
Now we best be quick. I heard Jefe spawned in here. We've got to get to him before someone can harm the poor fella!
Patrolling through the base Antonio would nod at every Mandalorian he passed, Triple B would be heavily panting - struggling to breathe under the mask. Antonio walked on up to one of the Mandalorian guards and pumped his chest.
I am... The... Mandalorian! Th- this is my associate... Uh... The... Um... Mandalorian...
Triple B would roar.
We're looking for a small man, he's about f-... Well, uh, he hasn't got legs. H- Have you seen him?
The Mandalorian Guard would shrug.
I have not. Maybe this is a matter you should take up with our leader.
Antonio would look around.
Who is your leader?
The guard would kneel as a large figure loomed behind Antonio and Triple B. They slowly turned and gasped at the sight, two massive robotic legs and a tatooed torso - the face of Jefe!
i leader
Trudging through the sand would be a pissed off Dylan Black, lightsaber in hand and a face covered in hate. About two metres behind him would be Jeffery Viper, who had the CW World Heavyweight title proudly around his waist still. Dylan would stop and turn.
Why are you still following me?
Jeffery would shrug.
Well... I don't know where I am...
Dylan would sigh and turn, continuing to walk.
If Drag arrives I am NOT with you... I'm gone.
Jeffery would smirk.
You mean Big Drag? He's back?!
Dylan would stop, turn, and get nose to nose with Viper.
Yes... And he's looking to... kill... whoever has that around their waist.
Jeffery would gasp and and hold the title tight up against his gut.
No! T- this is mine! He can't!
Dylan would point his finger into Jeffery's chest.
He can... And he will. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Jeffery would shake his head. Dylan would continue trudging through the sand. Jeffery would soon follow.
So uh, where are you going? Trying to get out of this... world?-
-Realm.
Realm. Right.
Jeffery would raise an eyebrow.
...And we were transported to this realm by Big Drag?
Dylan would shrug.
Apparently.
So he is the one behind you being Luke? And... Me playing Rey?
Dylan would sigh.
Probably.
Jeffery would gasp, it all making sense in his head.
He's doing this to humiliate me! He's made me Rey so I have to be your bitch! Your apprentice!
Dylan would stop and stare off at the blistering hot twin suns.
No, no no. You've got it the wrong way around, Jeffery.
Dylan would sigh, his left hand becoming a fist.
He's done this to humiliate me.
Standing, watching from the windows, would be two well-dressed brigade officers.
It feels good to be back...
Vice Admiral Meme Boi would chuckle as he stood firm next to Grand Moff Ref - who had a very serious posture.
I, for one, am glad we're not serving Jefe...
Meme Boi would turn to Ref and eye him up.
What makes you say that?
Grand Moff Ref would shrug.
Well, we're safer serving Big Drag, right?
Meme Boi would shrug.
I guess you've got a good point.
Ref would look down at his attire.
Just didn't think it'd be under these... settings.
ATTENTION! ATTENTION!
ATTACK IMMINENT! I REPEAT, ATTACK IMMINENT!
Grand Moff Ref would shriek and run to the comms, punching a big red button to speak.
-Wh- what's going on?!
A voice would come back through the speakers.
Rebel attack! X-Wings approaching!
Grand Moff Ref and Vice Admiral Meme Boi would watch eyes wide as a fleet of rebel pilots approached the Rat Star!
Deploy the TIE fighters!
...Who's face is that?
Grand Moff Ref would rub his chin.
...I'm not entirely sure
Cutting to the shot of an X-Wing we would see none other than CW Extravaganzanental Champion, Axel Topnotch, who beamed brightly as he attacked the approaching
FOR HULK HOGAN BROTHA!
He would fire at one of the TIE Fighters, exploding it with a loud bang! Ref would shriek!
THAT- THAT- THAT X-WING PILOT HAS GOT MY TITLE!
He would shove Meme Boi out of the way and charge down the hall of the Bridge, a fire in his eyes! He would shout at all of his fleet officers.
BRING ME THAT PILOT! I WANT HIM ALIVE!
JEFE?!
Darth Jefe would nod his head and flex his double lightsaber to the shocked Antonio and Triple B.
i jefe
Antonio would be at a loss for words! Jefe could now walk... and talk! He turned to Triple B and punched him on the shoulder, removing his helmet with a bright smile.
We came to see if you were alrig-
u sav jefe lif, i jefe forevar greatful
Jefe would holster his lightsaber before putting his hand on Antonio's shoulder, sincerely smiling.
fank u fwrend
Antonio would be a bit emotional, turning to Triple B who panted heavily.
So you're able to fight right?? You've got two legs??
Jefe would show off his robotic legs smirking.
Th- that means... Y- you might be the one that whale god was talking about... The chosen warrior... Th- the one to stop Big Drag!
Jefe's eyes would widen, he would turn to Triple B who roared.
big drog take everyfing from jefe... jefe legs... jefe voice
Darth Jefe would ignite his double bladed lightsaber once more. Antonio widely smiling.
i jefe get revenge!
We are at Cloud City now with a sweaty Land-O' Shanty who has a hot pistol in his hands, for he has been battling the Brad Swann Ewok infestation for the better part of a week. He shoots one and watches with a poker face as its cute little blood splatters upon his chin, he shoots another without looking. He's completely fed up.
I didn't be signin' up for this...
He strolled down the hall and shot one more as it exploded from the force of the laser.
Then all of a sudden... They stopped.
Like a miracle, there was no more Swann Ewoks. Every single one of them, gone in the blink of an eye. As though they had just fallen out of the window and landed with a splatter in the clouds of the planet.
Oh. Right.
So, uh, what exactly are you looking for?
Jeffery would still be following Dylan through the sandy dunes. The sky turning to dusk. Both men were sweating profusely, both on the verge of passing out.
A way out, we established this.
Jeffery would wipe the sweat from his brow.
Well yeah, but like, who are you expecting to find?!
Dylan would fall to his knees, his eyes settling on something in front of him. He had found it. The palace.
Maybe whoever's playing Jabba will know.
Jeffery shrugged.
Oooh. I hope its Mongo. That'd be funny-
...
OoOoOoH. i HoPe ItS mOnGo. ThAt'D bE fUnNy-
Dylan and Jeffery would be frozen at the sight of Duke the Hutt, who was now before them in the palace.
You've got to be kidding me...
YoU'vE gOt To Be KiDdInG mE.,.
Dylan would unbuckle his lightsaber and hold it firm in his hand. Jeffery would tighten the grip on his staff.
Look Jabba! You going to help us out or not?
lOoK jAbB-
VWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Dylan would cut Duke the Hutt's head clean off!
Everyone in the palace gasped, even Jeffery, as Dylan stood covered in green gunk.
WOAH! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!
You really think he was going to help us?! This is Big Drag's doing! He's trying to piss me off!
Everyone in the palace would reach for their weapons, training them at Dylan and Jeffery. Jeffery shot his hands in the air, Dylan held firm.
Come on then! None of you can kill me! Big Drag won't allow it!
A silence. Then one voice spoke up.
cOmE oN tHeN! nOnE oF yOu CaN kIlL mE! bIg DrAg wOn'T aLlOw It!
Dylan's eyes would widen and he would turn to face the man playing Boba Fett.
No wa-
cOmE oN tHeN! nOnE oF yOu CaN kIlL mE! bIg DrAg wOn'T aLlOw It!
cOmE oN tHeN! nOnE oF yOu CaN kIlL mE! bIg DrAg wOn'T aLlOw It!
cOmE oN tHeN! nOnE oF yOu CaN kIlL mE! bIg DrAg wOn'T aLlOw It!
cOmE oN tHeN! nOnE oF yOu CaN kIlL mE! bIg DrAg wOn'T aLlOw It!
cOmE oN tHeN! nOnE oF yOu CaN kIlL mE! bIg DrAg wOn'T aLlOw It!
All of a sudden everyone started speaking up and copying Dylan! It was only then that he realized why everyone's faces were so recognizable! They were all 100 of Duke's Characters!
They all started approaching closer to Dylan... Closer and closer... Mocking his words over... And over again! He chopped a few of them down, even beheading Boba Fett who turned out to be a Chef! One Twi'lek girl looked awfully like a family man and the cantina band, the 'Darkish Carnival', looked eerily masked!
FUCK THIS SHIT!
cOmE oN tHeN! nOnE oF yOu CaN kIlL mE! bIg DrAg wOn'T aLlOw It!
cOmE oN tHeN! nOnE oF yOu CaN kIlL mE! bIg DrAg wOn'T aLlOw It!
cOmE oN tHeN! nOnE oF yOu CaN kIlL mE! bIg DrAg wOn'T aLlOw It!
cOmE oN tHeN! nOnE oF yOu CaN kIlL mE! bIg DrAg wOn'T aLlOw It!
cOmE oN tHeN! nOnE oF yOu CaN kIlL mE! bIg DrAg wOn'T aLlOw It!
The characters kept on approaching! The text turned hellish! Dylan chopped and chopped. The sound only getting louder! A convict here! A weed smoker there! Fucking Duke Kosloff everywhere! Someone save me I think I'm losing my mind. Someone save Dylan I think he's losing his mind. Someone save Jeffery, he's scared! We're all scared!
The rest of the show better not be in comic sans, Swann.
Land-O'Shanty would get a call that a ship was docking in Cloud City, a ship that he most certainly didn't want to miss. He raced over to the landing dock as it zoomed its way over, parking up with a cloud of smoke. Stepping out would be a bear, a man with Two Dicks and... Jefe! Shanty would be shocked at the idiot who now walked... and looked badass as fuck.
Jefe?! Y- You be alive?! A- and walkin'?!
Land-O Shanty would nod at Antonio acknowledging him. The bear would still be waiting for his acknowledgment.
i jefe come to borrow ur ship
Shanty would scoff and rub his head.
You mean the Barge?! I've only just got it back!
Antonio would speak up.
We understand, Shanty, we do... But there's more important matters at stake here. This is all Big Drag's doing. If we don't stop him... Well... We're all doomed.
Shanty would wipe the sweat off his brow.
I heard tales of the Big Drag... Dangerous tales... But I never been believin' em! 'nd then I somehow ended up here... If what you're telling me is true, and that we all be doomed, then by all means lets use my ship.
He would smirk and pat himself on the chest.
You'll be needin' a cap'n!
With Axel Topnotch's ship gunned down, he would now be imprisoned on the Rat Star as a captured hostage. Grand Moff Ref waited outside the prison cell doors before entering and clasping his hands, Meme Boi not too far behind. The ref chuckled.
Well... Well... Well...
Axel would sneer. THE Ref would smirk.
You almost fit in, in this universe. Its a shame that you don't in our own. Say, do you still have that title of mine?
He would reach down to grab Axel but the latter would somehow break free of the chains, headbutting Ref in the process! Meme Boi would go to pull out his pistol but would be knocked out with the...
HOKUTO JARAIKOU
(Stan Hansen Lariat)
Axel would begin running, THE Ref would chase after him!
Come back here you coward and fight me like an
Axel would skid, then turn around, clenching his fists.
Fuck. Uh! ...Fuck it!
DING! DING! DING!
Axel would charge at THE Ref and begin hammering blows at his skull, reeling him into the wall! Standerson, dressed as a gonk droid, would come stumbling along.
WELL WE ARE UNDERWAY HERE FOLKS... CW EXTRAVAGANZANENTAL TITLE ON THE LINE!
THE Ref would go to nail Axel in the balls but the alien would catch the leg, pulling him in for a devastating clothesline that knocked the former champ silly! Meme Boi had recovered from his fatal blow and stumbled to his feet, jumping Axel from behind with the butt of his pistol.
ARE YA WINNING SON?!
Meme Boi would be about to blow Axel's brains out when THE Ref knocked it out of his hands.
UH OH! A BIT OF MISCOMMUNICATION IT SEEMS LIKE!
THE Ref gave Meme Boi a shove.
You can't kill him! We're having a wrestling match!
Meme Boi would back away, hands in the air. Ref began stomping on the downed Axel, aiming right for his neck. The Extravaganzanental Champion only just managed to catch one of the boots, he tripped THE Ref up before crawling on top of him for a mounted position - reigning blows upon his head. THE Ref began to bleed.
HE'S BUSTED OPEN! GRAND MOFF REF IS BUSTED OPEN! BY GAWHD!
Meme Boi would kick gonk droid Standerson over as he crashed against the floor. Distracting Axel, allowing THE Ref to break free of the mount and bite into Axel's nose area. When the champ was finally off of him he swiveled to his feet and gave him a shove before lining him up for a superkick! Then another! Axel dropped to a knee... THE ref charged at him for one last superkick but Axel dodged! SUPERKICK RIGHT INTO MEME BOI'S GUT! Meme Boi doubled over as Axel planted a fist into THE Ref's crotch and shoved him into Meme Boi - Ref's arm draped over MB's head. Axel zig-zagged THE Ref!
DDT TO MEME BOI AND A ZIG ZAG TO THE REF! OH MY!
Standerson would be calling the match from the floor of the Rat Star, a bright smile still on his face. Axel covered THE Ref's leg.
ONE... TWO... THR--
KICKOUT!
Axel stumbled to his feet and took a few steps back, patting his arm and calling for his finisher! THE Ref staggered to his feet, visibly shaken... Axel ran...
THE FO!
(A really smelly fart)
Axel would drop to his knees, nauseated! THE Ref would laugh in his own gas! He would then SIT on Axel's face!
WHAT A DEADLY SUBMISSION MOVE HERE, IS AXEL GOING TO TAP OUT?!
Axel was just about to pass out when he somehow managed to throw THE Ref in the air, springing to his feet and catching him in a cradle. THE Ref would be eyes wide with shock, Axel would turn the cradle around for a sit out powerbomb!
UH OH! AXEL LOOKING FOR THE SIT OUT POWERBOMB HERE- NO! THE REF RIGHTS OUT!
Elbowing his way out THE Ref managed to fall from Axel's shoulders unscathed. Once more biting at his nose area! He took a step back and lined up his foot but----!
ROLL UP!
ONE! TWO THREE!
WHAT THE HELL! I REPEAT, WHAT THE HELL!
Meme Boi had rolled THE Ref up!
DING! DING! DING!
THE Ref rolled to his feet, jaw wide open, eyes wide. No fucking way.
HERE IS YOUR WINNER AND NEW EXTRAVAGANZANENTAL CHAMPION... MEME BOI!
-GOTTEM!
Vice Admiral Meme Boi hightailed it out of the vicinity of THE Ref, charging down the halls past Anomoly Troopers and fleet officers. THE Ref chased. Axel watched on, visibly upset. Poor guy.
Stumbling from out of the palace gates and back upon the red sand of Tatooine would be Dylan Black and his 'father' Jeffery Viper (who still had the CW World title firmly around his waist). Dylan was in a craze, absolutely covered in blood. Jeffery attempted to console him but Dylan shoved him off, pointing the lightsaber in his direction.
FOR ALL I KNOW, YOU ARE ONE OF THEM!
Jeffery would back up a little, scared.
What?!
YOU COULD BE WORKING FOR BIG DRAG! FUCK! YOU PROBABLY ARE WORKING FOR BIG DRAG! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT SOONER!
Dylan would swing for his 'father' but Jeffery would fall to his ass in the sand and plead with him.
NO! I'M NOT, DYLAN, I PROMISE! I- I- I'M STUCK HERE JUST AS YOU ARE! I'M NOT WORKING FOR NOBODY!
Dylan would swing again, this time nearly scalping Jeffery.
HOW CAN I TRUST YOU THOUGH?! FOR ALL I KNOW YOU'RE FAKE!
Jeffery would crawl to his knees and begin running. Dylan swung again.
-I PROMISE YOU I'M NOT A FAKE DYLAN!
Dylan chased, absolutely crazed.
WELL THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO PROVE IT! BY TAKING YOUR HEAD!
Jeffery screamed and fell in the sand.
WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?!-
OH I DON'T KNOW?! MAYBE THE FACT THAT I'VE JUST SPENT AN HOUR ENDLESSLY SLAUGHTERING PEOPLE THAT REPEATED THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN, I'M STUCK ON A FUCKING HOT ASS PLANET WITH NO WATER... AND WITH YOU! WORST OF ALL, I'VE JUST COMPETED AT NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS AND NEED MEDICAL SUPPORT! I- I- DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING HAND, MAN!
Dylan would show Jeffery his stub. Jeffery would sigh.
Well I'm sorry to hear that! Just, uh, please don't kill me... T- that's all I'm asking... I- I'll leave if you want?
Dylan would chuck the lightsaber far off into the distance, landing with a clunk in a distant sarlacc pit. He would fall to his knees and cover his head in his hands, buried in burning sand. The sky was rapidly getting darker.
What does it matter... It was never about that title in the end...
Jeffery would wince, looking down at the World title around his waist. Dylan would sigh, falling backwards.
It was only about destroying me.
Jeffery would feel bad for his 'son', unstrapping the World title and passing it back to him.
Look, son, you need to put this back on.
Dylan would be shocked at his father's sudden kindness.
Why? What does it matter?
You're not going to give up are you? I know for sure that my son, the legendary Dylan Black, would never give up! So you must rise up to the challenge, you must fight back against the evil!
Jeffery would scramble to his feet, offering a hand to his son and pulling him up.
I know we haven't always seen eye to eye. But at the end of the day, you're my son, and that's all that matters.
I believe in you, Dylan.
Dylan would be so taken back that he was at a loss for words. Jeffery was being nice! This was unlike him! Jeffery placed a hand on Dylan's shoulder. Dylan shrugged.
Thanks, dad...
YOU'RE WELCOME, SON.
Dylan would almost pass out at the sight. For his body now fell not into sand, but upon the metal floor of the Rat Star. Darth Emperor Big Drag was pretending to be his father all this time.
DYLAN SKYWALKER... I AM YOUR FATHER!
Dylan would remain still on the floor. This was just another mindgame, and it had seemingly broken him. Big Drag was chuckling at his reference.
WELL, TECHNICALLY, I AM EVERYONE'S FATHER - WHAT BEING A GOD AND ALL, BUT I FELT LIKE IT- AH FUCK IT!
HI HOW ARE YA DYLAN, LONG TIME NO SEE!
Dylan would be white; frozen - eyes locked on Drag. Paralyzed with fear.
I WASN'T GOING TO JUST LET YOU GIVE UP! COME ON MAN, YOU'RE THE LEGENDARY DYLAN BLACK! YOU SHOULD BE FIGHTING ME RIGHT NOW! WHERE'S THAT SPIRIT?! WHERE'S THAT BOY SCOUT PRIDE?!
Darth Emperor Big Drag would pull out his golden lightsaber from within his robes, cackling. The sound shaking the entire space station. He would ignite it.
COME ON MAN, GET ON UP, FIGHT ME!
Dylan would look down at his stub, then gaze back at his left hand which found itself tightly holding onto the lightsaber he had just thrown away.
YOU HAVE A LIGHTSABER... I HAVE A LIGHTSABER... LET'S HAVE SOME FUN, MAN!
Drag would be getting impatient as Dylan remained there, frozen. He would begin to get angry. The station shaking. He would shoot out his hand and lift Dylan up from off of the floor, using the force, holding him in a standing position.
FIGHT ME! COME ON! FIGHT ME!
Dylan would yell at the top of his lungs, exploding into a swing that clashed against Drag's golden blade! The God laughed as thunder boomed in space! As quickly as Dylan's blade bounced against that of Drag's, the God had already maneuvered his hand in a twirling motion. Dylan felt a surge of pain in his left hand. He looked down as his lightsaber fell to the floor...
...And his hand along with it.
AW SHIT! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HANDS LEFT!
Drag would smirk.
MY BAD!
Dylan would drop to his knees, defeated. Two stubs at the end of his arms.
NO LITERALLY, MY BAD! I CHOPPED OFF YOUR RIGHT... AND NOW I HAVE CHOPPED OFF THE LEFT! HOW ARE YOU GONNA FIGHT ME NOW?!
Drag would sigh and hover in the air.
YOU WANT A GAME OF JEOPARDY? MAYBE WE COULD FIGHT THROUGH THAT?
Dylan would be staring at the stubs, unmoving. Done.
TALK TO ME, MAN! WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO... I'LL DO IT!
Dylan would sneer his nose, finally moving and staring Drag in his bright red eyes.
I... Want... To... Go... Home...
You've won Drag... You've fucking won.
Big Drag's booming laugh would clog the air.
NO, NO NO NO. I HAVE NOT WON YET DYLAN. YOU CAN'T GO HOME SO SOON! WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN-
ATTENTION! ATTENTION!
ATTACK IMMINENT! I REPEAT, ATTACK IMMINENT!
Big Drag's eyes would light up even brighter.
HM? THIS WASN'T IN THE CALCULATIONS!
The Rat Star would rumble and rock as the XHF Barge smashed head first into it, caving open a hole! Antonio 'Two Dicks' Tagliatelle, Triple B, Darth Jefe and Land-O'Shanty would all step out into the burning Rat Star docking station. Jefe would ignite his double sided blade.
i jefe com for u big drog!
He would charge down towards the doors and wait until they slided open-
WHAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
JEFE WOULD BE FORCE PUSHED ACROSS THE LANDING STRIP, SMACKING AGAINST THE WALL AND LANDING IN A CRUMPLE ON THE FLOOR!
JEFE?! OH HOW FOOLISH OF ME!
Darth Emperor Big Drag would be floating through the doorway and into the docking station, staring at Triple B, Antonio and Shanty - smirking. He looked towards Jefe.
WAS IT WRONG OF ME TO ASSUME YOU WERE DEAD?
Drag would turn to Antonio.
FAIR PLAY ON KEEPING HIM ALIVE, MAN WITH TWO DICKS.
Triple B would be acknowledged.
AND YOU, ZOMBIE BEAR.
Drag would finally turn to Shanty, placing a hand on his shoulder.
AND YOU... THANKS FOR UH, LETTING ME BORROW YOUR SHIP FOR THE SEASON!
WHACK!
SHANTY WOULD PUNCH DRAG RIGHT IN THE NOGGIN'
Everyone would be eyes wide. Shanty would be fuming. Drag would be in shock.
Motherfucker! No one be taking my ship away from me! I don't be giving a flying fuck who you be!
Drag would slowly nod his head, trying not to laugh.
I LIKE YOU, HUMAN.
Drag would then shrug.
BUT YOU STILL HIT ME IN THE FACE.
With a flick of his pinky finger Shanty would be sent flying through the air and out of the Rat Star! Right into deep space.
ANYONE ELSE WANT A GO?!-
ZRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
JEFE STABBED HIS LIGHTSABER RIGHT THROUGH DRAG'S CHEST!
Drag would be frozen, the red blade coming out the other side of his body.
...AH, JEFE...
He would walk forward as the lightsaber pulled away from his chest. He would smirk.
YOU HAVE CHOSEN DEATH.
DING! DING! DING!
WORLD TITLE ON THE LINE! DARTH JEFE VERSUS DYLAN SKYWALKER VERSUS DARTH EMPEROR BIG DRAG!
Drag would grab Jefe by his spikes and throw him through the air and back over towards the wall with a thud. Igniting his blade even brighter. He levitated over to the former CW World Heavyweight Champion and force choked him in the air, attempting to kill him with not just his lightsaber - but the force.
i- i- i- jefe no die tonigt!
Jefe would use his own force power to shove Drag off of him! Only moving the God a centimetre back, but still breaking the hold. Jefe would drop to his bionic knees and charge at Drag with his double sided red lightsaber! Clashing with that of Drag's gold as sparks flew and fingers nearly severed. Drag would be enjoying every moment as him and Jefe went back and forth with their strikes!
COME ON JEFE! YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE! YOU CAN DO IT-
Drag would shoot out his spare hand and Antonio would be dragged through the air and into the clutches of Drag's death choke.
HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN STAR WARS?! JEFE IS NOT THE CHOSEN ONE! I, AM THE CHOSEN ONE-
WHACK!
TRIPLE B WOULD CLAW DRAG IN THE BACK WITH HIS PAW!
Drag would turn to attack the bear but Jefe would dive on top of his back and attempt to swipe his head clean off! Drag would grab the lightsaber with his hand! His bare hand! And he would snap it in half! The fucking laser... In half! Jefe would be in shock and Drag would reach back, once more clutching onto his head spikes and throwing him over his shoulder and into the opposite wall with a smash!
I AM IMMORTAL JEFE! NO ONE...
Drag would stop and look Antonio directly in the eye.
...CAN STOP ME.
He would force push Antonio and Triple B away before floating back over to Jefe who had a broken lightsaber, unable to use it. Drag would smirk.
IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU... JEFE-
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
WHAT THE HELL! DYLAN BLACK DIVED ONTO DRAG'S BACK! HOLDING HIM BACK WITH HIS TWO STUMPS! HE WAS BACK IN THIS!
FUCK YOU DRAG... FUCKKKKK YOUUUUU!
Dylan, ultimately defenseless, would slip from Drag's back and land on the floor, crawling to his feet and spitting at the God's feet.
I'M DONE WITH YOUR FUCKING GAMES! END ME NOW! DO IT YOU PUSSY! DO IT!
Big Drag would snarl, ready to chop down Dylan with his blade. The CW World Heavyweight Champion would close his eyes waiting for it.
YOU THINK I WANT TO KILL YOU DYLAN?
Drag would sigh. Dylan would open his eyes.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU SUFFER.
He would chop at Dylan's right leg, cutting it clean off!
DON'T WORRY! I'M GOING TO LEAVE THE OTHER ONE, I NEED TO BE ABLE TO HOOK SOMETHING WHEN I MAKE THE PI-
Jefe would spring back to his feet and swipe at Drag's head, pulverizing it clean off!
BIG DRAG WOULD BE DECAPITATED!
Jefe would fall to his bionic knees and tend to the passed out Dylan, calling over Antonio and Triple B who raced over.
YOU DID IT JEFE...
Antonio would watch as Big Drag's headless body dropped to the floor.
YOU... YOU FUCKING DID IT!
Jefe would be in too much pain to smile. Big Drag had been defeated! His head stared at them, unmoving.
{CLICK HERE}
THEN IT WOULD SMILE.
WRONG!
Big Drag's body would clamber back to its feet and reach for its head, picking it up and placing it back upon its neck. Big Drag was whole again. Jefe's jaw dropped, as did Antonio's and Triple B's.
AS I SAID... I AM BIG FUCKING DRAG...
AND I AM IMMORTAL!
He would swing for Jefe's head when-
A PORTAL WOULD APPEAR AND SUCK JEFE, ANTONIO AND TRIPLE B RIGHT THROUGH IT!
It closed with a zap as Drag's swing finished, nailing nothing!
OH NO. OH NO NO NO.
Drag would quickly scramble to Dylan's unconscious body, hooking the leg for a pinfall!
ONE... TWO... THREE-
ANOTHER PORTAL! THIS TIME ZAPPING DYLAN AWAY RIGHT ON THE THREE!
No bell rang. Big Drag was left in shock! They had found him... He had miscalculated, this, is what he missed in his calculations! They were here for him... Here to finish him!
One last portal would appear in front of Drag, this time a face appeared in it.
THE TRONS ARE COMING, DRAG. ITS TIME WE DELIVERED JUSTICE AND CONQUERED THE EVIL.
With a zap the portal was gone. Big Drag's lip quavered, the whole realm shook with ferocity. The words playing over and over again in his head.
...THE TRONS ARE COMING, DRAG...
THEN IT WOULD SMILE.
WRONG!
Big Drag's body would clamber back to its feet and reach for its head, picking it up and placing it back upon its neck. Big Drag was whole again. Jefe's jaw dropped, as did Antonio's and Triple B's.
AS I SAID... I AM BIG FUCKING DRAG...
AND I AM IMMORTAL!
He would swing for Jefe's head when-
A PORTAL WOULD APPEAR AND SUCK JEFE, ANTONIO AND TRIPLE B RIGHT THROUGH IT!
It closed with a zap as Drag's swing finished, nailing nothing!
OH NO. OH NO NO NO.
Drag would quickly scramble to Dylan's unconscious body, hooking the leg for a pinfall!
ONE... TWO... THREE-
ANOTHER PORTAL! THIS TIME ZAPPING DYLAN AWAY RIGHT ON THE THREE!
No bell rang. Big Drag was left in shock! They had found him... He had miscalculated, this, is what he missed in his calculations! They were here for him... Here to finish him!
One last portal would appear in front of Drag, this time a face appeared in it.
THE TRONS ARE COMING, DRAG. ITS TIME WE DELIVERED JUSTICE AND CONQUERED THE EVIL.
With a zap the portal was gone. Big Drag's lip quavered, the whole realm shook with ferocity. The words playing over and over again in his head.
...THE TRONS ARE COMING, DRAG...