The Tale of the Stupidity Tape
Sept 4, 2020 19:41:07 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz, Kira Izumi, and 3 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Sept 4, 2020 19:41:07 GMT -5
*The camera opens on Lord Dominicus with different color scheme than usual. He’s in a white padded room with a white straitjacket on. He thrashes around addressing nobody in particular.*
LD: You gotta believe me. I don’t mind losing a match. I don’t mind losing a match to a woman. WHAT I DO MIND, is that THE BOOKER told me to TAP TO A WOMAN!
*He rocks back and forth on the floor.*
LD: But I showed THE BOOKER! Instead of DOING MY JOB which is DECIDED BY OTHERS and not my own skill, I used my opportunity in the ring to FEEL HER UP with UNWANTED SEXUAL CONTACT! Hahahahaha! NOTHING WRONG WITH ANY OF THAT!
*Dominicus shakes as he twists and turns in his bindings*
LD: IT’S NOT ABOUT LOSING TO A WOMAN, I SWEAR! It’s because THE BOOKER told me to tap TO A WOMAN OF ALL PEOPLE but he WOULDN’T TAP in a match that was completely unrelated to me! But can you believe that SHE’S A WOMAN AND I WAS TOLD TO TAP!? TO A WOMAN!? A WO-MAN!?
*Finally he shakes his head and calls off-camera*
LD: CUT! Scene change!
*Production crew quickly drag out the backdrop of the white room and we’re left with a far more expected BLACK CURTAIN. Dominicus stands up and shuffles off the straitjacket. He looks right at the audience.*
LD: That was you, by the way, Timeless- in case it wasn’t obvious. That’s how you sound. I don’t think you could dig deeper holes in your logic and your reputation if you had a shovel- which is impressive. Not like a good kind, but for somebody as WOEFULLY DELUDED as yourself maybe it seemed like a good idea at the time. Sure, there’s no shame in losing a match to a woman because you were actually taking advantage of the situation to grab some of her rear. Sure, there’s no shame in losing that match by submission because it wasn’t YOU who tapped really, it was some nefarious “booker”…
*Air quotes*
LD: …In the back who told you to. And like the completely-in-line-with-the-company employee you are, you happily tapped. Well, not happily, because that “booker”-
*Air quotes again*
LD: -The role that apparently negates our years of training and experience by the whims of his decision making- also is a wrestler and he didn’t want to tap in a match that didn’t even feature you. But still expected you to tap- TO A WOMAN! I’m not sure why you are so inclined to emphasize the gender instead of Death Trap’s stupidity in having a preference for getting injured rather than giving in but I guess that is part of your MINDE-NUMBING MADNESS.
*He holds that a little extra long to sell the inevitable t-shirt and also to drive home just how nonsensical and sexist it sounds.*
LD: Instead of trying to machismo my way out of admitting a loss and moving on, I decided to actually do some research. If you’ll allow me, I’ll show you my findings.
*The camera backs up a little he bends over. Soon LD erects a cardboard cutout of “Timeless” Alex Turner. He looks at the cutout eye to eye, then bends down again and next to it raises a cardboard cutout of Mistress Discipline. He nods in acknowledgement of her then next to her positions a cardboard cutout of himself. He walks in front of this flat trio.*
LD: Now I realize that come September sixteenth there’s two more players in this game- and no Mistress. But that’s ok because it won’t matter when it comes to what I’m talking about here. Size.
*Dominicus pulls out a sharpie marker from his pocket and walks over to the Timeless cutout. He begins writing out statistics on Turner’s chest*
LD: You see, Timeless, you’re the biggest guy in this match. You are six-foot-three and two hundred and sixty-two pounds. It’s true that Danuwa….whatever is slightly taller but it doesn’t matter because pound-for-pound you are by far the FATTEST PARTICIPANT in this match. Now the person who made you tap which has caused you much concern…
*He writes on MD’s cutout*
LD: She is six-foot-even and two hundred pounds. So in terms of size, it’s not a huge difference but you are naturally larger- and a fair bit MORE MASSIVE than her. But this is where it gets good….
*THE EVIL MASTER walks over to his own DARK-BUT-FLAT COPY and begins to write.*
LD: I am the same height as Discipline but one hundred and eighty pounds.
*He quickly stands up as he puts the cap on the marker and does a little bit of a double take looking at the MD*
LD: Where are you hiding the extra twenty?
*A headshake later he returns to focusing on the camera*
LD: At All That Glitters, you tapped to somebody who is roughly sixty pounds your junior. Logically they used your joints against you rather than trying to overpower you. Again, you are by far the CHUBBIEST COMPETITOR among all of us. And yet your shame is such that you’ve decided that throwing away your accolades and making a mockery of all of our careers as some fake sport by implying wrestling is fake is more preferable than just taking your loss and moving on.
*He taps his head with the marker.*
LD: Now, you were sixty pounds heavier than the Mistress, but you’re nearly A HUNDRED POUNDS heavier than me. Therefore logic would dictate that if you tapped out to one of my MYRIAD OF SUBMISSION MOVES it would be an even bigger disgrace.
*He points to the camera.*
LD: But I bet you’d be fine with it. That’s the problem, and that’s why this whole thing has been trending on the social medias and even getting main stream attention. You can sugar-coat it with wild fanciful tales of how some MYSTICAL MAN IN THE BACK controls your career in the ring- but it doesn’t change that you tapped out to a woman and it really bothers you. Seriously, do you even hear yourself talk? Do you not recognize how you sound?
*Dominicus walks backwards a little as he uncaps the marker again so he can write on Timeless’ chest.*
LD: I suggest that after our match- and I am going to try to make you tap out, by the way- you stop calling yourself “Timeless” and give yourself a new nickname…
*He finishes writing and walks away. As we’re closing out the camera comes to rest on the handwriting on the cuttout’s chest…*
LD: You gotta believe me. I don’t mind losing a match. I don’t mind losing a match to a woman. WHAT I DO MIND, is that THE BOOKER told me to TAP TO A WOMAN!
*He rocks back and forth on the floor.*
LD: But I showed THE BOOKER! Instead of DOING MY JOB which is DECIDED BY OTHERS and not my own skill, I used my opportunity in the ring to FEEL HER UP with UNWANTED SEXUAL CONTACT! Hahahahaha! NOTHING WRONG WITH ANY OF THAT!
*Dominicus shakes as he twists and turns in his bindings*
LD: IT’S NOT ABOUT LOSING TO A WOMAN, I SWEAR! It’s because THE BOOKER told me to tap TO A WOMAN OF ALL PEOPLE but he WOULDN’T TAP in a match that was completely unrelated to me! But can you believe that SHE’S A WOMAN AND I WAS TOLD TO TAP!? TO A WOMAN!? A WO-MAN!?
*Finally he shakes his head and calls off-camera*
LD: CUT! Scene change!
*Production crew quickly drag out the backdrop of the white room and we’re left with a far more expected BLACK CURTAIN. Dominicus stands up and shuffles off the straitjacket. He looks right at the audience.*
LD: That was you, by the way, Timeless- in case it wasn’t obvious. That’s how you sound. I don’t think you could dig deeper holes in your logic and your reputation if you had a shovel- which is impressive. Not like a good kind, but for somebody as WOEFULLY DELUDED as yourself maybe it seemed like a good idea at the time. Sure, there’s no shame in losing a match to a woman because you were actually taking advantage of the situation to grab some of her rear. Sure, there’s no shame in losing that match by submission because it wasn’t YOU who tapped really, it was some nefarious “booker”…
*Air quotes*
LD: …In the back who told you to. And like the completely-in-line-with-the-company employee you are, you happily tapped. Well, not happily, because that “booker”-
*Air quotes again*
LD: -The role that apparently negates our years of training and experience by the whims of his decision making- also is a wrestler and he didn’t want to tap in a match that didn’t even feature you. But still expected you to tap- TO A WOMAN! I’m not sure why you are so inclined to emphasize the gender instead of Death Trap’s stupidity in having a preference for getting injured rather than giving in but I guess that is part of your MINDE-NUMBING MADNESS.
*He holds that a little extra long to sell the inevitable t-shirt and also to drive home just how nonsensical and sexist it sounds.*
LD: Instead of trying to machismo my way out of admitting a loss and moving on, I decided to actually do some research. If you’ll allow me, I’ll show you my findings.
*The camera backs up a little he bends over. Soon LD erects a cardboard cutout of “Timeless” Alex Turner. He looks at the cutout eye to eye, then bends down again and next to it raises a cardboard cutout of Mistress Discipline. He nods in acknowledgement of her then next to her positions a cardboard cutout of himself. He walks in front of this flat trio.*
LD: Now I realize that come September sixteenth there’s two more players in this game- and no Mistress. But that’s ok because it won’t matter when it comes to what I’m talking about here. Size.
*Dominicus pulls out a sharpie marker from his pocket and walks over to the Timeless cutout. He begins writing out statistics on Turner’s chest*
LD: You see, Timeless, you’re the biggest guy in this match. You are six-foot-three and two hundred and sixty-two pounds. It’s true that Danuwa….whatever is slightly taller but it doesn’t matter because pound-for-pound you are by far the FATTEST PARTICIPANT in this match. Now the person who made you tap which has caused you much concern…
*He writes on MD’s cutout*
LD: She is six-foot-even and two hundred pounds. So in terms of size, it’s not a huge difference but you are naturally larger- and a fair bit MORE MASSIVE than her. But this is where it gets good….
*THE EVIL MASTER walks over to his own DARK-BUT-FLAT COPY and begins to write.*
LD: I am the same height as Discipline but one hundred and eighty pounds.
*He quickly stands up as he puts the cap on the marker and does a little bit of a double take looking at the MD*
LD: Where are you hiding the extra twenty?
*A headshake later he returns to focusing on the camera*
LD: At All That Glitters, you tapped to somebody who is roughly sixty pounds your junior. Logically they used your joints against you rather than trying to overpower you. Again, you are by far the CHUBBIEST COMPETITOR among all of us. And yet your shame is such that you’ve decided that throwing away your accolades and making a mockery of all of our careers as some fake sport by implying wrestling is fake is more preferable than just taking your loss and moving on.
*He taps his head with the marker.*
LD: Now, you were sixty pounds heavier than the Mistress, but you’re nearly A HUNDRED POUNDS heavier than me. Therefore logic would dictate that if you tapped out to one of my MYRIAD OF SUBMISSION MOVES it would be an even bigger disgrace.
*He points to the camera.*
LD: But I bet you’d be fine with it. That’s the problem, and that’s why this whole thing has been trending on the social medias and even getting main stream attention. You can sugar-coat it with wild fanciful tales of how some MYSTICAL MAN IN THE BACK controls your career in the ring- but it doesn’t change that you tapped out to a woman and it really bothers you. Seriously, do you even hear yourself talk? Do you not recognize how you sound?
*Dominicus walks backwards a little as he uncaps the marker again so he can write on Timeless’ chest.*
LD: I suggest that after our match- and I am going to try to make you tap out, by the way- you stop calling yourself “Timeless” and give yourself a new nickname…
*He finishes writing and walks away. As we’re closing out the camera comes to rest on the handwriting on the cuttout’s chest…*
"Antiquated" Alex Turner
