XHF presents Hard Men.Hard Talk. pilot. (PPV EoD)

[eddied]

(An XHF reporter and cameraman make their way through a crowd of Covid mask wearing AV guys and Roadies at the Toronto Throwdown SWAT event.)

XHF: Hello again fans and this is XHF’s “Hard men - Hard Talk” where we try to hit wrestlers with tough questions under the guise of a simple background interview. Tonight, our target is Eddie D. SWAT Renegade Champion and genuine thorn in the side of the SWAT office, Eddie is potentially about to become an irritation for the whole network, after his surprise inclusion in the X-Crown Cage Match at the PPV. This should be fun. Follow me.

(It’s busy, but they make it to a quiet corner of the production area behind the scenes where Eddie D is stood next to a big screen showing the live action in the ring. Eddie is waving them over.)

XHF: Thanks for your help getting the backstage pass and accepting this interview.

EDDIE: Welcome to SWAT. Don’t sweat it, I’m the big deal around here, remember?

XHF: You had mentioned it… So are you ready?

EDDIE: If you don’t mind, I’ll be watching this huge match up between Rebecca Brookes and Olympia as we talk.

XHF: How’s it going?

EDDIE: The crowd are eating it up. Setting the bar nice and high for the main event. We’re a few minutes in… and Brookes is gonna rip Olympia’s leg off. I guarantee it.

XHF: Na. I follow SWAT and write articles on the women’s divisions. Olympia will win this.

EDDIE: Bullshit! $10 bucks say Brookes gets the win.

XHF: I’ll take that bet.

(Eddie and the reporter shake on it. Eddie keeps a firm eye on the action only occasionally turning away to acknowledge his XHF guests.)

XHF: So Eddie, This piece is mainly about getting the XHF crowd to know you better.

EDDIE: Well, you can pretend your fans haven’t heard of me to make your XHF guys look more established, but ‘you do you’ buddy… Hit me with your best shot.

XHF: You own the Double D Club; A strip club. You’ve owned it for over 20 years. Does this mean you have some ‘Me Too’ stories waiting to surface from your past?

EDDIE: Nope. I don’t mess with my girls because they are working for me, half of them are married and the other half aren’t age appropriate for an old wrestler like me. I don’t have a wife, but I’m leading quite the life. I’m on the road a lot, but I have relationships here and there.

XHF: With men?

EDDIE: Sorry?



XHF: If you’re not hitting on the hot women at your club, if you’ve never had a wife, if you’re always around well-oiled athletic men in the wrestling business... I must ask the question. Are you gay?

EDDIE: I’m happy most of the time?

XHF: No. Are you a homosexual?

EDDIE: Are you coming on to me?

XHF: No. I was asking you if you were more interested in men?

EDDIE: Hell no!

XHF: There’s no need to be so blunt about it? Are you a homophobe?

EDDIE: No. I’m flattered that you like me that way, but it’s just not my world.

I save my hate for the people that get in the way of my wrestling goals. I save my controlled and focussed rage for the next opponent I am set against like Dylan and Harpsicord and Lord Abacus and those other punks.

I ain’t woke, I don’t really give a shit if I upset people or not, but I don’t comment on the way people get their kicks either. All that shit means nothing in wrestling any way.

XHF: Sounds like you know some people in the business with a secret. Are there any wrestlers you feel should be ‘out’ed?

EDDIE: You creepy soulless fuck. I have plenty of secrets. None I’d care to share. We don’t need to ‘out’ anyone; some brave souls speak for themselves. Kendo Nagasaki, one of the best wrestlers that ever performed in the UK, came out as Bi-Sexual in 2018. Does it change the fact that he was one of the best? Not one bit.

You haven’t done your due diligence, because it was real obvious, front and centre on SWAT programming not long ago, that I had the raging hots for Suzi “The bitches Bitch” Spitz. You’re barking up the wrong nightclub if you’re looking for a sordid scoop. I run The Double D Club not the Blue Oyster bar.

XHF: OK then… I heard rumours that you’re religious? How does that gel with such a violent industry?

EDDIE: Who does your research, Fake News Consulting Ltd? There’s not a whole lot of philosophy and spirituality in my Headache from Hell stunner. If pushed on a form I might put Jedi, but if it was a census or something I guess I might put Christian, but only in the narrowest sense.

XHF: Narrowest sense meaning…?

EDDIE: Meaning I don’t believe in false idols like The Golden God.

Meaning I’m not a pagan? Some of my rivals wished I would just put them out of their misery by the end of a bout, but I haven’t sacrificed any one yet.

Meaning I hold some Christian values like… I do eat bacon… I’ve never done any fasting, clearly… and I try to keep the sabbath sacred. Well it’s more about hangover than Passover, but I’ve prayed for forgiveness after a Saturday night on the whiskey. Haven’t we all?

XHF: So you’re an alcoholic?

EDDIE: Holy Shit!!!

(The reporter steps back, worried he’s about to be hit, but the exclamation was just about the live match on screen. Rebecca Brookes dropkicks Olympia in the back and sends her crashing knees first into the ring steps.)

EDDIE: Did you see that?! You’re $10 bucks will look great in my wallet.

XHF: Don’t avoid the subject… Are you, or have you ever been, an alcoholic?!

EDDIE: I ain’t no alcoholic?! Alcoholics go to meetings… I’m just a drunk.

I am a high functioning lover of the booze and there ain’t no law against that.

(The reporter is frustrated that he’s not getting the dirt he was hoping for throws a Hail Mary hard question.)

XHF: Who is the most important person in your life?

EDDIE: Well “me” is the cliché answer, but I don’t always live in clichés… Well… I guess… I don’t think about that all the time but … …Jesus Christ!!!

XHF: So you are religious?!

EDDIE: No. Rebecca Brookes just slapped on the Dark Moon!!! This match is over. Cough up the $10.

(The reporter knows the reputation of the hold so offers up the note and then realises that Olympia has reached the ropes.)

XHF: It’s not over yet…

(Olympia slaps on the Golden Lock and Brookes taps.)

XHF: I think you owe me $10.

EDDIE: A bets a bet.

(Eddie is about to hand over the $10 when Security turn up. A big intimidating security guard addresses the cameraman and reporter.)

Security: You need to leave. Those backstage passes are for VIP fans only, not press sneaking around the press pass queues. You paparazzi guys make me sick...

XHF: But… We wanted to interview so many of the stars here… We’re press guests of a champion… Tell them Eddie?

EDDIE: Well those passes are for fans only. You heard the man. There’s no point dropping names now… unless…

XHF: What?

EDDIE: You could become a member of the Eddie D fan club… It’ll just cost you $10… each.

(The reporter hands over the notes reluctantly.)

EDDIE: Now good luck preparing your cute little Hard Talk show and get the hell out of here. Enjoy editing that hot mess into a coherent episode.

XHF: You knew we were from Hard Talk?

EDDIE: I did my due diligence… someone on your staff didn’t. Failure to plan is planning to fail sucker. Now run along and play your games with gullible SOB’s like Valentine. I have a main event to prepare for. And once this top of the card tag fest is over… the XHF can BRING…. IT…. ON!!!

(The reporter and cameraman begin arguing as Eddie walks away laughing.)