Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Oct 16, 2020 19:29:28 GMT -5
*We open up on a chicken, then another chicken as the camera pans to the right. Chicken….chicken….chicken….DARK LORD OF ALL THAT IS EVIL…..chicken….chicken…chi- Wait, what? The camera quickly zips back and yes indeed, between two roosting hens is a scrunched up Lord Dominicus. We pull back a little to get a better view of this uh….interesting sight. Dominicus is in a chicken coop.*
LD: GAH!
*He jumps out of his spot, careful not to hit his head on the roof of the coop. The hens seem disturbed but otherwise focused on their egg-laying.*
LD: You’re probably wondering why I’m here. WELL NONE OF YOUR BUS- actually I’ll tell you.
*He walks out of the coop proper and into a yard filled with more hens (and probably a couple roosters).*
LD: You see, at the End of Days Finals we’ll be wrestling in and around a giant….chicken? Dove? Duck? It’s hard to say. But I went with chicken and am committing to it. I was hoping to get into the mind of the not-really-a-wrestling-arena but in fairness sitting in a FOWL FARM for several hours, especially in that CRAMPED COOP, I’ve only gotten a better idea of the match-type itself. Being caged in there with brainless animals, it’s almost like what it’ll be like at End of Days in the Doomsday Cage match.
*The Dark Lord stops and thinks.*
LD: Well, I mean, except that the Doomsday Cage match also is surrounded by glass- something my opponents seem to forget. Also with the exception that chickens are smarter and more interesting than my opponents?
*Dominicus picks up one of the hens. It clucks at him as he looks it in the eyes.*
LD: Right, Dev?
*It clucks. LD then hucks (or “yeets” as the new generation says) the chicken, it ruffles its feathers in order to land less roughly.*
LD: Yes, as I have been plotting my victory over the PATHETIC PARTICIPANTS in this match- and my hopefully-evil-friend Evil-Borg after I double-cross him- I have come to see this place as the Gereja Ayam in Java- or as it’s colloquially called, the Chicken Church- and that coop?
*He points, even though we were just in there with him.*
LD: That, that is the Doomsday Cage structure. And this ratty little bird?
*Dominicus picks up what any normal person would only see as a random chicken among many.*
LD: This is Dylan Black.
*He holds the bird up to the side of his mask, looking in the same direction while trying to gesture around the farm.*
LD: You see that Dylan? Not a single folding table or Japanese reporter in sight. Indeed you are far out of your element. Oh, and no teleprompter? How will you go down your list of opponents one-by-one and try to talk about how you’re better than us?
*He squarely looks the “Dylan” chicken in the eyes.*
LD: I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU, DYLAN; AND HOW SIMPLE YOU ARE!
“Dylan” Chicken: BWOK BUCKAAAACK!
LD: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! AWAY FROM ME YOU SIMPLETON!
*Dominicus yells back at it. He then throws the chicken as feathers are spread around. About that time another voice enters the sphere- human. He clears his throat.*
Farmer: I uh- I wouldn’t recommend molesting them chickens.
*Our villainous protagonist scowls at the sudden apperence of an authority figure.*
LD: What do you know, old man!?
*The camera moves over a little and pulls back so we get the full image of a slightly curled over lithe frame of the deranged Dominicus as he stares evilly, almost animalistically, at the older farmer who’s just trying to do his job.*
Farmer: Well I know that I was once a young man like yourself. And like yourself I had no interest in a life attached to the land- and would take out my frustrations on the local fauna in rather precocious ways. You ever tip a cow, son? Anyway, chickens don’t much like being disturbed and as a man who-
LD: YOU’RE NOT MY MOM! …Because my mom was evil and would support me in my endeavors.
Farmer: Perhaps, but when I was your ag-
LD: HA! AND THERE IS YOUR LIE! You were never my age and never not a farmer!
*There is a pause as the farmer tries to process this. He just blinks at Lord Dominicus. Dominicus picks up a chicken and throws it in defiance.*
Farmer: Believe it or not, I was in fact not always old and not always a farmer. And I suspect you weren’t always like….
*He gestures at Dominicus, who is shirtless, EVIL MASKED, leather pantsed, and wearing the NPW North American Cruiserweight Championship around his waist.*
Farmer: …Whatever this is.
LD: Evil?
Farmer: Sure, evil.
LD: I disagree; I was BORN EVIL AND MY DARKNESS SHALL REIGN OVER MY FOES! Ooh, there’s that fatty…
*Dominicus picks up what appears to be just another chicken, nearly indistinguishable from the others.*
LD: Look at this DESPICABLE DO-GOODER, Eddie D! Always retaining his values while still being affable and easy-to-approach but using his ham fists in the ring. You make me want to vomit. DO YOU HEAR ME EDDIE D!?
*He shake the chicken, it does not like this. It is soon casually tossed away and still not happy at all.*
LD: I am Lord Dominicus! I AM THE KING OF THE COOP! I AM THE HEAD OF THE FLOCK! I AM THE ONLY NPW SINGLES CHAMPION! Who can stand against me!?
*Suddenly Dominicus bends his knees, folds his hands under their respective arms, and begins to jerkily peck at the air. Oh no, he’s gone full chicken.*
Farmer: Nah I already told ya, stop harassing the chick-
LD: BWOOOOCK! YOU THINK YOU RULE THIS ROOST!?
*Dominicus is staring down a rooster.*
LD: BWOOOOOCK! You’re not even a real god; you’re just a crazy chicken….man!
*The rooster clucks angrily at Lord Dominicus. Dominicus air-domini-pecks at him.*
LD: BWOK BWOK!? You wanna see what I do to so-called gods, kings, and champions who enter into my world!?
*Domicus stands up like normal. Dusts himself off. Picks up what we can only assume is the Hyperion rooster, and yeets (or hucks, for older readers) him.*
LD: I AM A MAN AMONG POULTRY! NONE CAN STAND AGAINST ME! WHO DARES CHALLENGE THE MIGHT OF LOR-
*Before he can finish a near-hum of many many chickens clucking grows louder and louder.*
*The farmer walks off as Lord Dominicus is flocked by what appears to be a countless number of domesticated fowl launching themselves at him.*
LD: IT’S THE DOMINIPOCALYPSE!
*The flash-mob of chickens continues to assault him from all directions (as though he had been bothering chickens in a Zelda game) as he is forced to flee from his feathery sanctuary and the camera fades out.*
LD: GAH!
*He jumps out of his spot, careful not to hit his head on the roof of the coop. The hens seem disturbed but otherwise focused on their egg-laying.*
LD: You’re probably wondering why I’m here. WELL NONE OF YOUR BUS- actually I’ll tell you.
*He walks out of the coop proper and into a yard filled with more hens (and probably a couple roosters).*
LD: You see, at the End of Days Finals we’ll be wrestling in and around a giant….chicken? Dove? Duck? It’s hard to say. But I went with chicken and am committing to it. I was hoping to get into the mind of the not-really-a-wrestling-arena but in fairness sitting in a FOWL FARM for several hours, especially in that CRAMPED COOP, I’ve only gotten a better idea of the match-type itself. Being caged in there with brainless animals, it’s almost like what it’ll be like at End of Days in the Doomsday Cage match.
*The Dark Lord stops and thinks.*
LD: Well, I mean, except that the Doomsday Cage match also is surrounded by glass- something my opponents seem to forget. Also with the exception that chickens are smarter and more interesting than my opponents?
*Dominicus picks up one of the hens. It clucks at him as he looks it in the eyes.*
LD: Right, Dev?
*It clucks. LD then hucks (or “yeets” as the new generation says) the chicken, it ruffles its feathers in order to land less roughly.*
LD: Yes, as I have been plotting my victory over the PATHETIC PARTICIPANTS in this match- and my hopefully-evil-friend Evil-Borg after I double-cross him- I have come to see this place as the Gereja Ayam in Java- or as it’s colloquially called, the Chicken Church- and that coop?
*He points, even though we were just in there with him.*
LD: That, that is the Doomsday Cage structure. And this ratty little bird?
*Dominicus picks up what any normal person would only see as a random chicken among many.*
LD: This is Dylan Black.
*He holds the bird up to the side of his mask, looking in the same direction while trying to gesture around the farm.*
LD: You see that Dylan? Not a single folding table or Japanese reporter in sight. Indeed you are far out of your element. Oh, and no teleprompter? How will you go down your list of opponents one-by-one and try to talk about how you’re better than us?
*He squarely looks the “Dylan” chicken in the eyes.*
LD: I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU, DYLAN; AND HOW SIMPLE YOU ARE!
“Dylan” Chicken: BWOK BUCKAAAACK!
LD: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! AWAY FROM ME YOU SIMPLETON!
*Dominicus yells back at it. He then throws the chicken as feathers are spread around. About that time another voice enters the sphere- human. He clears his throat.*
Farmer: I uh- I wouldn’t recommend molesting them chickens.
*Our villainous protagonist scowls at the sudden apperence of an authority figure.*
LD: What do you know, old man!?
*The camera moves over a little and pulls back so we get the full image of a slightly curled over lithe frame of the deranged Dominicus as he stares evilly, almost animalistically, at the older farmer who’s just trying to do his job.*
Farmer: Well I know that I was once a young man like yourself. And like yourself I had no interest in a life attached to the land- and would take out my frustrations on the local fauna in rather precocious ways. You ever tip a cow, son? Anyway, chickens don’t much like being disturbed and as a man who-
LD: YOU’RE NOT MY MOM! …Because my mom was evil and would support me in my endeavors.
Farmer: Perhaps, but when I was your ag-
LD: HA! AND THERE IS YOUR LIE! You were never my age and never not a farmer!
*There is a pause as the farmer tries to process this. He just blinks at Lord Dominicus. Dominicus picks up a chicken and throws it in defiance.*
Farmer: Believe it or not, I was in fact not always old and not always a farmer. And I suspect you weren’t always like….
*He gestures at Dominicus, who is shirtless, EVIL MASKED, leather pantsed, and wearing the NPW North American Cruiserweight Championship around his waist.*
Farmer: …Whatever this is.
LD: Evil?
Farmer: Sure, evil.
LD: I disagree; I was BORN EVIL AND MY DARKNESS SHALL REIGN OVER MY FOES! Ooh, there’s that fatty…
*Dominicus picks up what appears to be just another chicken, nearly indistinguishable from the others.*
LD: Look at this DESPICABLE DO-GOODER, Eddie D! Always retaining his values while still being affable and easy-to-approach but using his ham fists in the ring. You make me want to vomit. DO YOU HEAR ME EDDIE D!?
*He shake the chicken, it does not like this. It is soon casually tossed away and still not happy at all.*
LD: I am Lord Dominicus! I AM THE KING OF THE COOP! I AM THE HEAD OF THE FLOCK! I AM THE ONLY NPW SINGLES CHAMPION! Who can stand against me!?
*Suddenly Dominicus bends his knees, folds his hands under their respective arms, and begins to jerkily peck at the air. Oh no, he’s gone full chicken.*
Farmer: Nah I already told ya, stop harassing the chick-
LD: BWOOOOCK! YOU THINK YOU RULE THIS ROOST!?
*Dominicus is staring down a rooster.*
LD: BWOOOOOCK! You’re not even a real god; you’re just a crazy chicken….man!
*The rooster clucks angrily at Lord Dominicus. Dominicus air-domini-pecks at him.*
LD: BWOK BWOK!? You wanna see what I do to so-called gods, kings, and champions who enter into my world!?
*Domicus stands up like normal. Dusts himself off. Picks up what we can only assume is the Hyperion rooster, and yeets (or hucks, for older readers) him.*
LD: I AM A MAN AMONG POULTRY! NONE CAN STAND AGAINST ME! WHO DARES CHALLENGE THE MIGHT OF LOR-
*Before he can finish a near-hum of many many chickens clucking grows louder and louder.*
Farmer: Well, now you’ve done it. I tried ta warn ya.
*The farmer walks off as Lord Dominicus is flocked by what appears to be a countless number of domesticated fowl launching themselves at him.*
LD: IT’S THE DOMINIPOCALYPSE!
*The flash-mob of chickens continues to assault him from all directions (as though he had been bothering chickens in a Zelda game) as he is forced to flee from his feathery sanctuary and the camera fades out.*
