Hard Men-Hard Talk Pilot #2 (LD/EoD PPV)
Oct 23, 2020 20:13:44 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz, anthonycaffrey, and 4 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Oct 23, 2020 20:13:44 GMT -5
OOC: Yes, I got permission to utilize this format AND NOW YOU CAN TOO! DM me for details if you also want a failed pilot episode of this show as an rp! Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled promo….
*The camera opens on the smiling face of…..Funaki? He’s got a microphone and is wearing a nice suit*
Funaki: Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am Funaki- the XHF Networks NUMBA ONE interviewer! And this is the second first episode of Hard Men-Hard Talk, where we ask the tough questions!
*A throat clears and soon the dark visage of Lord Dominicus’ mask leans into the frame and up to Funaki’s ear*
LD: I’m pretty sure you weren’t supposed to say that part
Funaki: Which part?
LD: That this is the second first episode, it implies the first first episode was a failure and it’d look weird if this actually aired as the first but you were like “hey welcome to the second episode…sort of.”
*Funaki stands there, working the logic through his mind. He’s failed as the NUMBA ONE interviewer already. Now Nelly can overtake him (despite not actually actively interviewing anymore).*
LD: I mean, it’s probably fine, they should be able to take it out in post. You can take anything out in post. I could say I regularly bathe in the blood of the innocents and in post they just change it to “I regularly bathe.” Technology is amazing. Anyway, continue…
*Dominicus slowly leans back out.*
Funaki: And our first EVER guest because the original pilot was an abject failure and therefore doesn’t count and- crap this is gonna have to be edited out too…..
*He recounts where he just was with the introduction.*
Funaki: …Is NPW’s current North American Cruiserweight Champion and one of the X*Crown contenders at End of Days…LORD DOMINICUS.
*The camera pans out a little to reveal HOLY CRAP IT’S ACTUALLY LORD DOMINICUS! He’s looking evil as ever and is wearing the NPW’s ONLY active singles title around his waist.*
LD: Yes! Thank you for the introduction Funaki.
Funaki: Now Mr. Dominicus, you realize that the nature of this program is that I am going to ask you challenging questions that will help root out your deep and inner personage.
LD: Sure whatever, the deeper you look the continually black it is but that’s on you.
*Funaki nods.*
Funaki: Right. Alright then, so being a part of the XHF Network means a lot of travel-
LD: So much travel.
Funaki: -With the current pandemic, that means that there are some company-wide quarantine measures to prevent the possibility that one of our superstars doesn’t become a superspreader.
LD: Is there a question attached to this?
Funaki: Yes. Have you been maintaining quarantine?
*THE DARK LORD OF ALL THAT IS EVIL goes silent. He doesn’t move. The tension in the air is thick. The camera zooms in on LD’s face, closer, closer; it focuses deep into his eyes and then does one of those cool diving screen-change to reveal a memory!*
LD: Yes.
Funaki: I see. Many are wondering if you’ve flown the coop- that is to say, have you gone insane?
LD: That’s an idiotic question. Of course I haven’t gone insane, the only thing I’ve gone is PURE EVIL!
Funaki: But just last week we saw you talking to chickens, it uh, got a lot of attention.
LD: Of course it got a lot of attention you FITHLY FOOL! Everything I do attracts attention! Are you trying to imply that talking to chickens is crazy?
Funaki: Well-
LD: Is it so wrong to compare my FARCICAL NON-FRIENDS to chickens?
Funaki: I-
LD: Or do you think that it’s strange I was able to identify chickens based on how they look and draw comparisons? What? Are you thinking I’m some sort of chicken racist and didn’t include Evil-Borg because I didn’t see a black chicken?
*Funaki goes to open his mouth but is quickly interrupted.*
LD: Well maybe YOU’RE the racist for assuming Evil-Borg’s chicken is black. There weren’t any chickens of color at the farm and I was going off of fowl body type than you very much. In fact, Funaki, you probably wouldn’t understand racism if it hit you in the face.
*We zoom in on Funaki’s face, and dive into his eye to reveal a memory…*
*When we come back we find a very confused Lord Dominicus as he waves his hand in front of Funaki’s face*
LD: Uh….Funaki…..
*Snap back to reality, ope there goe- wait no, gravity remains intact.*
Funaki: …Indeed….
*Dominicus seems very confused.*
LD: So uh…are you gonna ask me about my match?
Funaki: Do you think you stand a chance again a cyborg, a heavyweight, and a Greek god?
LD: Do I…DO I STAND A CHANCE!? What kind of question is that! Of course I do! Eddie D is slow and- as is becoming clearer and clearer each time he opens his mouth- kind of dumb. Educated, but dumb. How dare he suddenly try to upstage my evilness! And Hyperion? Sure if he was actually a god or whatever maybe that’d mean something- but I am not scared of some delusional biker- DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?
Funaki: Lord Dominicus?
LD: LORD DOMINICUS! I AM THE VANTA BLACK OF DARK DARK THINGS!
Funaki: But what of Dev?
LD: Who? I haven’t seen anything from him so I’ll assume you’re making words up
Funaki: You literally mentioned him last promo.
LD: I mention a lot of things. Like how I still absolutely plan to utilize Evil Friendshipping to my fullest advantage to take out all those losers you already mentioned. But…
*Dominicus puts his hand to his face, thinking…*
LD: But most of Dylan Black’s limbs are made of metal now. This is problematic with my current move set. Hmmm. Oh well, I’ll just hope he’s not metal everywhere and punch him in the dick.
Funaki: Did you just imply that you’re planning on sexually assaulting Dylan Black, the X*Crown Champion, in the ring, live inside of a church that was built to look like a dove on PPV?
*Dominicus thinks, we go into his eyes and see him entering a GUNS battle royal from a year or more ago; he hits everyone in the dick and seems quite satisfied. We pull back out.*
LD: Yes?
Funaki: That seems illegal.
LD: Not in Java, baby! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*Funaki looks at the cameraman.*
Funaki: This episode isn’t getting picked up, is it?
*The camera shakes “no.” Funaki sighs but tries to power through.*
Funaki: Well, this has been Funaki, the XHF Network’s NUMBA ONE interviewer with Hard Men-Hard Talk Episode One…sort of- crap, did it again. Thank you for having us and enjoy End of Days coming to you on Sunday!
LD: AND DON’T WEAR A CUP DYLAN! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*Fade out*
*The camera opens on the smiling face of…..Funaki? He’s got a microphone and is wearing a nice suit*
Funaki: Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am Funaki- the XHF Networks NUMBA ONE interviewer! And this is the second first episode of Hard Men-Hard Talk, where we ask the tough questions!
*A throat clears and soon the dark visage of Lord Dominicus’ mask leans into the frame and up to Funaki’s ear*
LD: I’m pretty sure you weren’t supposed to say that part
Funaki: Which part?
LD: That this is the second first episode, it implies the first first episode was a failure and it’d look weird if this actually aired as the first but you were like “hey welcome to the second episode…sort of.”
*Funaki stands there, working the logic through his mind. He’s failed as the NUMBA ONE interviewer already. Now Nelly can overtake him (despite not actually actively interviewing anymore).*
LD: I mean, it’s probably fine, they should be able to take it out in post. You can take anything out in post. I could say I regularly bathe in the blood of the innocents and in post they just change it to “I regularly bathe.” Technology is amazing. Anyway, continue…
*Dominicus slowly leans back out.*
Funaki: And our first EVER guest because the original pilot was an abject failure and therefore doesn’t count and- crap this is gonna have to be edited out too…..
*He recounts where he just was with the introduction.*
Funaki: …Is NPW’s current North American Cruiserweight Champion and one of the X*Crown contenders at End of Days…LORD DOMINICUS.
*The camera pans out a little to reveal HOLY CRAP IT’S ACTUALLY LORD DOMINICUS! He’s looking evil as ever and is wearing the NPW’s ONLY active singles title around his waist.*
LD: Yes! Thank you for the introduction Funaki.
Funaki: Now Mr. Dominicus, you realize that the nature of this program is that I am going to ask you challenging questions that will help root out your deep and inner personage.
LD: Sure whatever, the deeper you look the continually black it is but that’s on you.
*Funaki nods.*
Funaki: Right. Alright then, so being a part of the XHF Network means a lot of travel-
LD: So much travel.
Funaki: -With the current pandemic, that means that there are some company-wide quarantine measures to prevent the possibility that one of our superstars doesn’t become a superspreader.
LD: Is there a question attached to this?
Funaki: Yes. Have you been maintaining quarantine?
*THE DARK LORD OF ALL THAT IS EVIL goes silent. He doesn’t move. The tension in the air is thick. The camera zooms in on LD’s face, closer, closer; it focuses deep into his eyes and then does one of those cool diving screen-change to reveal a memory!*
*Lord Domincius is walking around outside holding a Baskin Robbins quart of ice cream, happily eating it and yelling at everyone he sees*
LD: THIS ICE CREAM IS SO GOOD! IT CHILLS MY BLACK HEART!
*Dominicus is of course without any extra mask aside from his basic face-covering one….y’know, because he’s eating ice cream. The people around him seem very upset by this and his insistence on yelling at them without a mask on.*
LD: AHHH! BRAIN FREEZE!
*Suddenly, Dominicus completely stops moving, the camera zooms in on his face, it gets closer and closer until we do another of those cool diving screen changes into what he’s thinking about!*
LD: THIS ICE CREAM IS SO GOOD! IT CHILLS MY BLACK HEART!
*Dominicus is of course without any extra mask aside from his basic face-covering one….y’know, because he’s eating ice cream. The people around him seem very upset by this and his insistence on yelling at them without a mask on.*
LD: AHHH! BRAIN FREEZE!
*Suddenly, Dominicus completely stops moving, the camera zooms in on his face, it gets closer and closer until we do another of those cool diving screen changes into what he’s thinking about!*
*We find a cheerful scene of Lord Dominicus and Dinosaur Bones on a beach playing volleyball. DB is clearly wearing a mask over his bony face but LD is not sporting anything aside from his usual. He sees some women reclining on towels a little bit away from them and goes running towards them with the volleyball under his arm.*
LD: Hey ladies…
*They are also without masks and are probably in violation of some local quarantine rules.*
LD: How would you bad girls like to hook up with a couple of bad guys? Eh?
Girl: Oh we’re the sort of bad girls who only like to hook up with other bad girls
*She winks at him and LD is stunned and perhaps intrigued by this answer. He freezes as he thinks about, the camera zooms in on his face*
Girl: Bro are you ok?
*The camera zooms in on his eye and we’re transported again!*
LD: Hey ladies…
*They are also without masks and are probably in violation of some local quarantine rules.*
LD: How would you bad girls like to hook up with a couple of bad guys? Eh?
Girl: Oh we’re the sort of bad girls who only like to hook up with other bad girls
*She winks at him and LD is stunned and perhaps intrigued by this answer. He freezes as he thinks about, the camera zooms in on his face*
Girl: Bro are you ok?
*The camera zooms in on his eye and we’re transported again!*
*Now Dominicus is talking to what appears to be a normal guy, neither of them are masked.*
Guy: So you just wanna roll around with my dogs?
LD: Yes. I must absorb the evil viciousness of your corgis to prepare for my match.
Guy: You don’t have the Covid do you?
LD: What?
*He coughs*
LD: Why would you even ask that? LET ME ROLL WITH YOUR CORGIS!
Guy: Sure, whatever.
*We quick cut to LD rolling around with some very playful corgis, coughing between joyous laughs. We could go deeper but for the sake of formatting let’s pull back through the eyes of Dominicus and all the way back of Hard Men-Hard Talk….*
Guy: So you just wanna roll around with my dogs?
LD: Yes. I must absorb the evil viciousness of your corgis to prepare for my match.
Guy: You don’t have the Covid do you?
LD: What?
*He coughs*
LD: Why would you even ask that? LET ME ROLL WITH YOUR CORGIS!
Guy: Sure, whatever.
*We quick cut to LD rolling around with some very playful corgis, coughing between joyous laughs. We could go deeper but for the sake of formatting let’s pull back through the eyes of Dominicus and all the way back of Hard Men-Hard Talk….*
LD: Yes.
Funaki: I see. Many are wondering if you’ve flown the coop- that is to say, have you gone insane?
LD: That’s an idiotic question. Of course I haven’t gone insane, the only thing I’ve gone is PURE EVIL!
Funaki: But just last week we saw you talking to chickens, it uh, got a lot of attention.
LD: Of course it got a lot of attention you FITHLY FOOL! Everything I do attracts attention! Are you trying to imply that talking to chickens is crazy?
Funaki: Well-
LD: Is it so wrong to compare my FARCICAL NON-FRIENDS to chickens?
Funaki: I-
LD: Or do you think that it’s strange I was able to identify chickens based on how they look and draw comparisons? What? Are you thinking I’m some sort of chicken racist and didn’t include Evil-Borg because I didn’t see a black chicken?
*Funaki goes to open his mouth but is quickly interrupted.*
LD: Well maybe YOU’RE the racist for assuming Evil-Borg’s chicken is black. There weren’t any chickens of color at the farm and I was going off of fowl body type than you very much. In fact, Funaki, you probably wouldn’t understand racism if it hit you in the face.
*We zoom in on Funaki’s face, and dive into his eye to reveal a memory…*
*When we come back we find a very confused Lord Dominicus as he waves his hand in front of Funaki’s face*
LD: Uh….Funaki…..
*Snap back to reality, ope there goe- wait no, gravity remains intact.*
Funaki: …Indeed….
*Dominicus seems very confused.*
LD: So uh…are you gonna ask me about my match?
Funaki: Do you think you stand a chance again a cyborg, a heavyweight, and a Greek god?
LD: Do I…DO I STAND A CHANCE!? What kind of question is that! Of course I do! Eddie D is slow and- as is becoming clearer and clearer each time he opens his mouth- kind of dumb. Educated, but dumb. How dare he suddenly try to upstage my evilness! And Hyperion? Sure if he was actually a god or whatever maybe that’d mean something- but I am not scared of some delusional biker- DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?
Funaki: Lord Dominicus?
LD: LORD DOMINICUS! I AM THE VANTA BLACK OF DARK DARK THINGS!
Funaki: But what of Dev?
LD: Who? I haven’t seen anything from him so I’ll assume you’re making words up
Funaki: You literally mentioned him last promo.
LD: I mention a lot of things. Like how I still absolutely plan to utilize Evil Friendshipping to my fullest advantage to take out all those losers you already mentioned. But…
*Dominicus puts his hand to his face, thinking…*
LD: But most of Dylan Black’s limbs are made of metal now. This is problematic with my current move set. Hmmm. Oh well, I’ll just hope he’s not metal everywhere and punch him in the dick.
Funaki: Did you just imply that you’re planning on sexually assaulting Dylan Black, the X*Crown Champion, in the ring, live inside of a church that was built to look like a dove on PPV?
*Dominicus thinks, we go into his eyes and see him entering a GUNS battle royal from a year or more ago; he hits everyone in the dick and seems quite satisfied. We pull back out.*
LD: Yes?
Funaki: That seems illegal.
LD: Not in Java, baby! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*Funaki looks at the cameraman.*
Funaki: This episode isn’t getting picked up, is it?
*The camera shakes “no.” Funaki sighs but tries to power through.*
Funaki: Well, this has been Funaki, the XHF Network’s NUMBA ONE interviewer with Hard Men-Hard Talk Episode One…sort of- crap, did it again. Thank you for having us and enjoy End of Days coming to you on Sunday!
LD: AND DON’T WEAR A CUP DYLAN! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*Fade out*
