S2 EP6 - "Midwest Explosion", 3/7/18 - America's Heartland
Oct 30, 2020 0:04:24 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer likes this
Post by radu on Oct 30, 2020 0:04:24 GMT -5
To show the good people of the Midwest that SWAT cares about them, and doesn't think that all midwesterners are super conservative townies who are painfully dull with zero ambitions outside of admiring cornfields, enjoying deep fried budweisers while hoping they tip cows a little better than the next guy, dreaming of nascar in their overalls while trying to seduce the girl next door at the weekly barn dance in the hopes that you can meet her parents at Walmart or Olive Garden."
-Vile "Vince" Viper
There have been a LOT of rumours that after almost a decade of keeping their shows close to large bodies of water, Syndicate Wrestling and Tradition was FINALLY returning to the MIDWEST. Looking at this as a personal challenge, SWAT B head honcho VVV decided to try to lay a claim on this area for BACKYARD before the new region could get off the ground. Running in 12 markets on the same night, with some truly horrendous undercard matches and close circuit broadcasting the other main events (ala Wrestlemania III)... the end result was a pretty good attempt at KILLING OFF 12 territories in record time.
I had the misfortune of being at Intrust Bank Arena for the start of this debacle.
Wichita, Kansas
Intrust Bank Arena
Yellow Brick Brawl
CowTipper GORE vs. OLMEC Captain Nemo
Setting the tone for the evening, Captain Nemo emerges from his papermache submarine to admire how flat the ground is. Crowd turns on him pretty fast. They really identify with Cow Tipper GORE before realizing they are being pandered too. Viper's legion of little people come out to start painting the field with gallons of yellow paint. The Wizard of Oz references get old fast, but the crowd is even less thrilled when pelted with clumps of yellow astroturf "bricks" that Nemo misses GORE with. The story of the brawl mostly sees GORE attempt to tip Nemo over like a cow, only to find the submarine too heavy... which would be sound psychology except both men keep slipping in the fucking paint. Both men doused in yellow are hard to take seriously, but eventually GORE nails a shoulderblock for an incredibly sloppy win.
Winner: CowTipper GORE
Rating: -**
Crowd are throwing their beers at the field... and THAT'S when the monitor start up with the real horror...
St. Louis, Missouri
Francis Field
SWAT Twinstar Titles
Funny Business <c> Vs. Team SHOW ME
The crowd is JACKED to see The Industrial Man, and even more appreciative when his dick partner Beelzebozo doesn't appear with him. He's also the one worker you can count on to woo the crowd no matter how bad the event is, but Vile found a way around it. Having just been informed that Beelzebozo is defending the titles in a different state, the robot seems concerned for his partner. In a hurry to get out of the arena, Balan plows through the SHOW ME crew with double closelines, and cranks the heavy ones neck for a quick win.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: SQUASH
Post-Match: The Industrial Man runs over to a cab - and obligatory Rajiv Khan appearance - and tells him he needs to get to Michigan so step on it.
Bismark, North Dakota
Bismark Event Centre
Lawn Mower Jockey vs. Horace Mann Elementary GHOST Elephant
The crowd go nuts for the Lawn Mower Jockey, because its North Dakota. Former Backyard star - the demonically possessed Elephant's HEAD, has apparently returned under the guise of a local spectral pakederm legend. Playing up the local interests is appreciated, and seems to get a few of the crowd to return to their seats after the previous INSANELY TEDIOUS tag match. The contest mostly sees Elephant's HEAD chasing the jockey around, and while spotty it has a nice flow, at least until ZORK NONTEXT shows up. ZORK "misappropriates/discovers treasure" the Jockey's lawn mower, leaving the pint sized racer easy prey for the Elephant. Just when the Jockey has been beaten half to death, ZORK accidentally rams the lawn mower into ELEPHANT'S trunk, dousing the audience in gore.
Winner: Horace Mann Elementary GHOST Elephant by DQ
Rating: *
Post-Match: ZORK Nontext tries to back up, only to continue driving forwards ripping off half of Elephant's face. Children in the audience are crying. Using his mastery of DOS commands, ZORK continues to try to back up only to do even further damage. When it looks like a lynch mob is forming, ZORK manages to free himself from the possibly dead animal man, and slowly drive away.
Cedar Falls, Iowa
UNI-Dome
Anonymoose vs. Mystery Man
The cosplay standup of toothbrush wordplay, corn leaning left trying to get away from Iowa, and all manner of redneck corn puns seem to win over the crowd. Just when Anonymoose has them eating out of his hands, Zoran Sainovic comes out to introduce the caribou's opponent... his own personal dentist, the UNI-BOMBER. This goes over real well with the crowd who start tossing beer bottles at the performers. UNI-B takes one to the side of the skull, which Anonymoose hopes to capitalize on for the win... but the bottles keep hitting the referee before he can make a proper three count. Moose keeps trying, even as all three men in the ring get cut to shreds by the less than appreciative crowd. From the entrance, Zoran Sainovic seems to be enjoying himself.
Winner: NO CONTEST
Rating: -**
Post-Match: VVV appears on the tron to congratulate a glass covered and thoroughly unconscious moose on his POUND WIN the previous show. "I have my eye on you." Then UNI-BOMB comes too and tries to blow himself up... lets give it another minus star for that.
Peoria, Illinois
Peoria Civic Centre
Feral Boy & Mikita Dough Boy vs. Bad Boy & Flogging Dead Horses
We have a half naked malnourished guy acting like an animal... he's teaming with the Wayne's World donut employee rocking the Blackhawk jersey for crowd support. Opposite them is a guy in jet black latex overalls who spits on a child while heading to the ring, and his mean looking native associate. In a tag match, none of these characters can do too bad and are mostly covered up... but it goes for nearly FIFTY GOD DAMNED MINUTES. Every minute of that sees Dough Boy climbing a different turnbuckle while pandering to Stan Mikita fans... there are a lot of them, but it outwears its welcome quickly. Feral Boy is the only halfway polished one, and you can only watch him bite people's heels and behinds so many times. Eventually Bad Boy breaks a hockey stick over Mikita's head which REALLY pisses off the quickly exiting crowd.
Winner: Bad Boy & Flogging Dead Horses
Rating: -***
Lincoln, Nebraska
Pershing Center
The Corn Killing Fields
SWAT ULTIMATE TITLE
Sirius Man <c> vs. AZTEC Dracula
The centre of the Pershing Centre has been transformed into a corn maze... why they didn't do this outside is beyond me. Apparently the maze has deadly weapons hidden throughout it, along with the SWAT ULTIMATE TITLE... first person to retrieve the belt wins. As the bell rings to start, Sirius is blindsided by Franken Berry... as AZTEC Dracula runs into the maze with fellow TEAM HOMAGE members Sadako & Regan MacNeil. Inside the maze the team members search frantically, while outside Franken Berry chokes Sirius Man with monitor cables. Finding a cow---- because its Nebraska --- Sirius Man effectively milks it, and tosses the milk in Franken Berry's face. The milk turns pink, which causes all the audience to laugh at him. Embarrassed, Franken Berry runs away crying; leaving the champion to catch up to the cheating stable. AZTEC Dracula thinks he's uncovered the ULTIMATE TITLE... but its just another GOLDEN TICKET, so he throws it away. Sadako uses her "PSYCHIC POWERS" to throw Sirius through rows of corn, creating a path to a sickle she can really use on him. It amazes me that for all the bad movie monster gimmicks, Viper has never used the children of the corn. He must have standards. AZTEC Dracula thinks he's come across the ULTIMATE TITLE... but its just a mummified squirrel corpse. Having found a horse shoe in the corn, Sirius Man THROWS it at the little japanese ghost girl--- HITTING HER RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES. As the ghost falls to the ground with a possible concussion, Sirius charges forwards, turning left and running right into AZTEC Dracula. The two men start to brawl. Regan O'Neil seems to have found the ULTIMATE TITLE, but before she can retrieve it for Dracula, there is a loud humming noise----ZORK NONTEXT RIDING A LAWN MOWER ACROSS A FEW STATES CUTS THROUGH THE CORN and "discovers treasure." Sirius Man sends Aztec Dracula through a row of corn, just as the thieving video game mascot starts to slowly take off. Both Sirius and Dracula chase after Zork, and while its incredibly dumb, its the most compelling thing this show has offered thus far... so of course BRUNO FUCKS IT UP. SWAT GREAT turned Soutter bodyguard who has a MAD HATE ON for Aztec Dracula, set the corn maze on fire! The bell rings even though neither man has the title yet...
WINNER: NO CONTEST (...)
Rating: *
Post-Match: Zork manages to drive out of the bond fire with his mower, but it looks like Bruno murdered four people...
Fort Wayne, Indiana
Parkview Field
Crucification Match
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes vs. DINOSAUR BONES
As his nickname probably implies, Bill Stokes is not only older than dirt... he's probably older than VVV. Dinosaur Bones wears a onesie that makes him look like an animated T-Rex fossil... and is probably the single coolest gimmick on the indy scene right now. These two could probably put on a good match, but that isn't what Viper is looking for, so they are given a stipulation designed to cause a riot. Wouldn't you know it, after manhandling Stokes for a minute, BONES starts to drive in the first nail to Stoke's hand, when they have a full fledged riot.
Winner: ...no contest.
Rating: -*
Post-Match: Both men run REALLY HARD.
Saint Paul, Minnesota
Xcel Energy Center
SWAT TWINSTARS Titles
Funny Business <c> vs. Hired Help (Handy Andy & Heaven's Pool Cleaner) w/Herbicide vs. The Flatearthers
Since Balan was told the defence was in Missouri, its up to Beelzebozo to defends the straps in Minnesota... which immediately upsets an audience that paid primarily to see The Industrial Man. Despite his drug dependent burnout gimmick, Beelzebozo is probably the top worker in SWAT right now, and could have a good match with anyone, even Hell's Bouncer if the money was right. ...Despite that its still a handicap triangle match, with one muscle man who has half a decade of ring rust in Andy, and the super green Pool Cleaner. The less said about the Earthers the better. Trying to look like a respectable ACW Heavyweight champion, Buster Friendly chooses not to sell for ANYTHING the four men are trying on him... forcing Andy to work a HELL of a lot stiffer. Still refusing to respect his opponents even as they repeatedly risk breaking his neck, Buster makes a balloon dog and SOMEHOW finds a way to get it to urinate into Heaven's Pool. HPC is not happy. Herbicide has to break up a few pins just to make it look competitive. Handy Andy almost puts away the Flatearthers, but Beelzebozo finds time out of turning Pool Cleaner into a fine red paste to break up the pins. The fact that Beelzebozo is looking super human cuts the legs out of ATTILA BALAN ACTUALLY MANAGING TO MAKE IT TO THE ARENA! The crowd pops hard for the Industrial Man, but before he can make the save, Beelzebozo cheap shots Andy into FlatEarther #2, then locks Heaven's Pool Cleaner in the whisky lullaby.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: *1/2 (...possible match of the night)
Post-Match: Beelzebozo and Balan exchange words over the robot's whereabouts. Before they can get too comfortable, Federico Villaini informs them that they should hurry less they blow their other title defences. Hard swallow. The two men run for a cab... Deadwood Dick Jones pulls up in his stagecoach, which RAJIV KHAN doesn't care for at all. You could cut the tension with a gun to my temple, why am I still watching this?
Columbus, Ohio
Value City Arena
Victoria Bitter Boy vs BUTTER Vile Vince Viper
...Victoria Bitter Boy represents fancy upper brow foreign beer, which gives the Ohio natives an inferiority complex. BUTTER Vile Vince Viper is just as unpleasant as the real one, except he's a statue made out of butter. This should be an easy win, but the butter weighs more than Victoria Bitter, so when the Boy tries to shove it over, it falls on him for a near fall. Things go from bad to worse as Bitter makes numerous inside cradle attempts, many of which backfire with near falls on him. The result sees the statue so malformed its hard to figure out which lump is Viper's shoulder blades. Victoria results to his cheap Melbourne heel tactics of biting, but ends up eating five pounds of butter in the process. In an effort to induce vomiting, Bitter Boy slips on the stain that is Butter VVV into a cover for the 3 count.
Winner: Victoria Bitter Boy
Rating: -***1/2
Post-Match: VBB gives FREE Victoria Bitters to everyone... while drinking their fancy Aussie beer, the good people of Ohio VOW to NEVER WATCH A SWAT SHOW AGAIN.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Van Andel Arena
ACW Heavyweight Title
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly vs. IT
...The referee gives Buster a ten count to get to the ring or forfeit the ACW title to his opponent, who appears to be VVV on the tron. As they hit 9, Buster Friendly charges out of the back, to a conflicted applause. Since his geographic chess booking didn't allow for a title win, TRON VVV announces he wasn't the opponent but IT is. IT who? The newest member of Team Homage seems to be the demonic clown from Stephen King's IT... the OG Tim Curry version not that new shit. It could be the make-up, but Beelzebozo looks amused by this recentest slight. Nope its the make-up. Pulling a mallet out of his bag of tricks, Beelzebozo treats IT like a whack-a-mole, standing on the in-joke for an easy win... before turning his attention to ringside. Spitting mad, Beelzebozo goes on the attack, beating the living shit out of anyone stupid enough to think they might some day draw a paycheque from SWAT-B. The ring crew flee into the audience, while the security (Teen Old Man Jenkins, Tom Thumb on steroids, and Richard Givens) are laid out in the middle of the ring. The steady stream of curses coming out of the clown prince of darkness has a number of choice words for Viper.
Winner: Beelzebozo
Rating: SQUASH (literally)
Green Bay, Wisconsin
Resch Center
International Title Match
"The Industrial Man" Attila Balan vs. Roxy
...Attila Balan has repeatedly stated that he finds it uncomfortable working for SWAT Backyard out of disloyalty to ACW. His main motivation for winning the International title was to be able to appear in different SWAT reasons. He should be perfectly comfortable now, except that VVV is thumbing his nose at the "no boy on girl" clause in the SWAT contract, forcing Balan to make his first international title defence against the lovely Roxy. While he plots the death of the earth, Iman is still the company's biggest face, and has problems with punching women. Roxy doesn't have the same issues and hurts her hand a number of times slapping Balan's metal jaw. When it becomes abundantly clear that I-man refuses to put his hands on Roxy, and she doesn't have the strength required to knock over his titanium frame, the match switches gears. Roxy uses her feminine charm to distract the referee while "Timeless" Alex Turner chopblocks Balan down before stomping a hole in him. Turner snaps a Falcon ARROW before bailing for Roxy to make a pin... almost 3! Roxy hits a series of sexually provocative moves that have no real impact and just let the robot recharge. After doing the standing splash into the splits fails to get a 2 count, Roxy goes back to distracting the referee; while Turner enters with a couple of nice chairshots. Roxy has to work REALLY HARD to keep the referee from paying attention to all the metal clangs. Throwing the chair down, Turner then starts to use a variety of suplexes (from dragon to exploder) to bounce Balan off the chair. Roxy almost gets a three count, then complains to the referee about doing it faster, while Turner goes for a Turn Me Loose----- only Balan wiggles out of it. Turner charges for a lariat, but Balan ducks under... then uses his CONTROL OVER ELECTRONICS (I didn't know he had that power) to cause Turner to choke himself out with his metal arm!!!!!!!! Turner punches himself in the face, before trying to rip out his own jugular... collapsing to the canvas and turning blue. No longer distracting the referee, Roxy accuses Balan of being a bully and tries to scratch his eyes out. Eventually the champion has had enough, and bails to the floor, leaving Turner, Roxy and the referee to wrestling with Turner's mechanical arm.
Winner: Roxy by countout
Rating: *1/2
Post-Match: His first title defence. If the robot had feelings, I'd say Viper was a dead man.
Rapid City, South Dakota
Rushmore Plaza Civic Center
Empty Arena Match
Deadwood Dick Jones vs. Rajiv Khan
I'm not sure if this is supposed to be an empty arena match, or the crowd just left before their one live match went down. The cab and stage coach drivers throw down like a grade school fight, with winding wind millesque hammering blows and headlocks that lead to rolling around on the canvas. Its surprisingly even and spirited, given the horror show we've been put through all night. Punches look stiff, and they both en up with blood noses. Eventually Deadwood puts Rajiv in the Four Horse DRIVE... only for Rajiv to counter it into a victoria roll.
Winner: Rajiv Khan
Match: *1/2 (Match of the night!!!)
Post-Match: Both men gasp for air in the middle of the ring, having beaten out a mutual respect based on a shared interest in dying transportation forms. A janitor walks through the giant empty arena, wandering over to the two men to ask if either can give him a ride. While exhausted they perk right up, happy to oblige, maybe even working together... just in time to see him hop on the back of ZORK Nontext's lawnmower. "Take Treasure" Mother fucker. The two men slowly chase after their client.
This is a hard show to judge... because the angles and action were amongst the worst I've ever had the misfortune of seeing... but that was the point. So I have to congratulate Vile Vince Viper on a successful show. It set out to burn 12 territories so badly that it will be years before SWAT can run them again, and I would say he succeeded in that. Recommendation to run away.
-Vile "Vince" Viper
There have been a LOT of rumours that after almost a decade of keeping their shows close to large bodies of water, Syndicate Wrestling and Tradition was FINALLY returning to the MIDWEST. Looking at this as a personal challenge, SWAT B head honcho VVV decided to try to lay a claim on this area for BACKYARD before the new region could get off the ground. Running in 12 markets on the same night, with some truly horrendous undercard matches and close circuit broadcasting the other main events (ala Wrestlemania III)... the end result was a pretty good attempt at KILLING OFF 12 territories in record time.
I had the misfortune of being at Intrust Bank Arena for the start of this debacle.
Wichita, Kansas
Intrust Bank Arena
Yellow Brick Brawl
CowTipper GORE vs. OLMEC Captain Nemo
Setting the tone for the evening, Captain Nemo emerges from his papermache submarine to admire how flat the ground is. Crowd turns on him pretty fast. They really identify with Cow Tipper GORE before realizing they are being pandered too. Viper's legion of little people come out to start painting the field with gallons of yellow paint. The Wizard of Oz references get old fast, but the crowd is even less thrilled when pelted with clumps of yellow astroturf "bricks" that Nemo misses GORE with. The story of the brawl mostly sees GORE attempt to tip Nemo over like a cow, only to find the submarine too heavy... which would be sound psychology except both men keep slipping in the fucking paint. Both men doused in yellow are hard to take seriously, but eventually GORE nails a shoulderblock for an incredibly sloppy win.
Winner: CowTipper GORE
Rating: -**
Crowd are throwing their beers at the field... and THAT'S when the monitor start up with the real horror...
St. Louis, Missouri
Francis Field
SWAT Twinstar Titles
Funny Business <c> Vs. Team SHOW ME
The crowd is JACKED to see The Industrial Man, and even more appreciative when his dick partner Beelzebozo doesn't appear with him. He's also the one worker you can count on to woo the crowd no matter how bad the event is, but Vile found a way around it. Having just been informed that Beelzebozo is defending the titles in a different state, the robot seems concerned for his partner. In a hurry to get out of the arena, Balan plows through the SHOW ME crew with double closelines, and cranks the heavy ones neck for a quick win.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: SQUASH
Post-Match: The Industrial Man runs over to a cab - and obligatory Rajiv Khan appearance - and tells him he needs to get to Michigan so step on it.
Bismark, North Dakota
Bismark Event Centre
Lawn Mower Jockey vs. Horace Mann Elementary GHOST Elephant
The crowd go nuts for the Lawn Mower Jockey, because its North Dakota. Former Backyard star - the demonically possessed Elephant's HEAD, has apparently returned under the guise of a local spectral pakederm legend. Playing up the local interests is appreciated, and seems to get a few of the crowd to return to their seats after the previous INSANELY TEDIOUS tag match. The contest mostly sees Elephant's HEAD chasing the jockey around, and while spotty it has a nice flow, at least until ZORK NONTEXT shows up. ZORK "misappropriates/discovers treasure" the Jockey's lawn mower, leaving the pint sized racer easy prey for the Elephant. Just when the Jockey has been beaten half to death, ZORK accidentally rams the lawn mower into ELEPHANT'S trunk, dousing the audience in gore.
Winner: Horace Mann Elementary GHOST Elephant by DQ
Rating: *
Post-Match: ZORK Nontext tries to back up, only to continue driving forwards ripping off half of Elephant's face. Children in the audience are crying. Using his mastery of DOS commands, ZORK continues to try to back up only to do even further damage. When it looks like a lynch mob is forming, ZORK manages to free himself from the possibly dead animal man, and slowly drive away.
Cedar Falls, Iowa
UNI-Dome
Anonymoose vs. Mystery Man
The cosplay standup of toothbrush wordplay, corn leaning left trying to get away from Iowa, and all manner of redneck corn puns seem to win over the crowd. Just when Anonymoose has them eating out of his hands, Zoran Sainovic comes out to introduce the caribou's opponent... his own personal dentist, the UNI-BOMBER. This goes over real well with the crowd who start tossing beer bottles at the performers. UNI-B takes one to the side of the skull, which Anonymoose hopes to capitalize on for the win... but the bottles keep hitting the referee before he can make a proper three count. Moose keeps trying, even as all three men in the ring get cut to shreds by the less than appreciative crowd. From the entrance, Zoran Sainovic seems to be enjoying himself.
Winner: NO CONTEST
Rating: -**
Post-Match: VVV appears on the tron to congratulate a glass covered and thoroughly unconscious moose on his POUND WIN the previous show. "I have my eye on you." Then UNI-BOMB comes too and tries to blow himself up... lets give it another minus star for that.
Peoria, Illinois
Peoria Civic Centre
Feral Boy & Mikita Dough Boy vs. Bad Boy & Flogging Dead Horses
We have a half naked malnourished guy acting like an animal... he's teaming with the Wayne's World donut employee rocking the Blackhawk jersey for crowd support. Opposite them is a guy in jet black latex overalls who spits on a child while heading to the ring, and his mean looking native associate. In a tag match, none of these characters can do too bad and are mostly covered up... but it goes for nearly FIFTY GOD DAMNED MINUTES. Every minute of that sees Dough Boy climbing a different turnbuckle while pandering to Stan Mikita fans... there are a lot of them, but it outwears its welcome quickly. Feral Boy is the only halfway polished one, and you can only watch him bite people's heels and behinds so many times. Eventually Bad Boy breaks a hockey stick over Mikita's head which REALLY pisses off the quickly exiting crowd.
Winner: Bad Boy & Flogging Dead Horses
Rating: -***
Lincoln, Nebraska
Pershing Center
The Corn Killing Fields
SWAT ULTIMATE TITLE
Sirius Man <c> vs. AZTEC Dracula
The centre of the Pershing Centre has been transformed into a corn maze... why they didn't do this outside is beyond me. Apparently the maze has deadly weapons hidden throughout it, along with the SWAT ULTIMATE TITLE... first person to retrieve the belt wins. As the bell rings to start, Sirius is blindsided by Franken Berry... as AZTEC Dracula runs into the maze with fellow TEAM HOMAGE members Sadako & Regan MacNeil. Inside the maze the team members search frantically, while outside Franken Berry chokes Sirius Man with monitor cables. Finding a cow---- because its Nebraska --- Sirius Man effectively milks it, and tosses the milk in Franken Berry's face. The milk turns pink, which causes all the audience to laugh at him. Embarrassed, Franken Berry runs away crying; leaving the champion to catch up to the cheating stable. AZTEC Dracula thinks he's uncovered the ULTIMATE TITLE... but its just another GOLDEN TICKET, so he throws it away. Sadako uses her "PSYCHIC POWERS" to throw Sirius through rows of corn, creating a path to a sickle she can really use on him. It amazes me that for all the bad movie monster gimmicks, Viper has never used the children of the corn. He must have standards. AZTEC Dracula thinks he's come across the ULTIMATE TITLE... but its just a mummified squirrel corpse. Having found a horse shoe in the corn, Sirius Man THROWS it at the little japanese ghost girl--- HITTING HER RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES. As the ghost falls to the ground with a possible concussion, Sirius charges forwards, turning left and running right into AZTEC Dracula. The two men start to brawl. Regan O'Neil seems to have found the ULTIMATE TITLE, but before she can retrieve it for Dracula, there is a loud humming noise----ZORK NONTEXT RIDING A LAWN MOWER ACROSS A FEW STATES CUTS THROUGH THE CORN and "discovers treasure." Sirius Man sends Aztec Dracula through a row of corn, just as the thieving video game mascot starts to slowly take off. Both Sirius and Dracula chase after Zork, and while its incredibly dumb, its the most compelling thing this show has offered thus far... so of course BRUNO FUCKS IT UP. SWAT GREAT turned Soutter bodyguard who has a MAD HATE ON for Aztec Dracula, set the corn maze on fire! The bell rings even though neither man has the title yet...
WINNER: NO CONTEST (...)
Rating: *
Post-Match: Zork manages to drive out of the bond fire with his mower, but it looks like Bruno murdered four people...
Fort Wayne, Indiana
Parkview Field
Crucification Match
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes vs. DINOSAUR BONES
As his nickname probably implies, Bill Stokes is not only older than dirt... he's probably older than VVV. Dinosaur Bones wears a onesie that makes him look like an animated T-Rex fossil... and is probably the single coolest gimmick on the indy scene right now. These two could probably put on a good match, but that isn't what Viper is looking for, so they are given a stipulation designed to cause a riot. Wouldn't you know it, after manhandling Stokes for a minute, BONES starts to drive in the first nail to Stoke's hand, when they have a full fledged riot.
Winner: ...no contest.
Rating: -*
Post-Match: Both men run REALLY HARD.
Saint Paul, Minnesota
Xcel Energy Center
SWAT TWINSTARS Titles
Funny Business <c> vs. Hired Help (Handy Andy & Heaven's Pool Cleaner) w/Herbicide vs. The Flatearthers
Since Balan was told the defence was in Missouri, its up to Beelzebozo to defends the straps in Minnesota... which immediately upsets an audience that paid primarily to see The Industrial Man. Despite his drug dependent burnout gimmick, Beelzebozo is probably the top worker in SWAT right now, and could have a good match with anyone, even Hell's Bouncer if the money was right. ...Despite that its still a handicap triangle match, with one muscle man who has half a decade of ring rust in Andy, and the super green Pool Cleaner. The less said about the Earthers the better. Trying to look like a respectable ACW Heavyweight champion, Buster Friendly chooses not to sell for ANYTHING the four men are trying on him... forcing Andy to work a HELL of a lot stiffer. Still refusing to respect his opponents even as they repeatedly risk breaking his neck, Buster makes a balloon dog and SOMEHOW finds a way to get it to urinate into Heaven's Pool. HPC is not happy. Herbicide has to break up a few pins just to make it look competitive. Handy Andy almost puts away the Flatearthers, but Beelzebozo finds time out of turning Pool Cleaner into a fine red paste to break up the pins. The fact that Beelzebozo is looking super human cuts the legs out of ATTILA BALAN ACTUALLY MANAGING TO MAKE IT TO THE ARENA! The crowd pops hard for the Industrial Man, but before he can make the save, Beelzebozo cheap shots Andy into FlatEarther #2, then locks Heaven's Pool Cleaner in the whisky lullaby.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: *1/2 (...possible match of the night)
Post-Match: Beelzebozo and Balan exchange words over the robot's whereabouts. Before they can get too comfortable, Federico Villaini informs them that they should hurry less they blow their other title defences. Hard swallow. The two men run for a cab... Deadwood Dick Jones pulls up in his stagecoach, which RAJIV KHAN doesn't care for at all. You could cut the tension with a gun to my temple, why am I still watching this?
Columbus, Ohio
Value City Arena
Victoria Bitter Boy vs BUTTER Vile Vince Viper
...Victoria Bitter Boy represents fancy upper brow foreign beer, which gives the Ohio natives an inferiority complex. BUTTER Vile Vince Viper is just as unpleasant as the real one, except he's a statue made out of butter. This should be an easy win, but the butter weighs more than Victoria Bitter, so when the Boy tries to shove it over, it falls on him for a near fall. Things go from bad to worse as Bitter makes numerous inside cradle attempts, many of which backfire with near falls on him. The result sees the statue so malformed its hard to figure out which lump is Viper's shoulder blades. Victoria results to his cheap Melbourne heel tactics of biting, but ends up eating five pounds of butter in the process. In an effort to induce vomiting, Bitter Boy slips on the stain that is Butter VVV into a cover for the 3 count.
Winner: Victoria Bitter Boy
Rating: -***1/2
Post-Match: VBB gives FREE Victoria Bitters to everyone... while drinking their fancy Aussie beer, the good people of Ohio VOW to NEVER WATCH A SWAT SHOW AGAIN.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Van Andel Arena
ACW Heavyweight Title
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly vs. IT
...The referee gives Buster a ten count to get to the ring or forfeit the ACW title to his opponent, who appears to be VVV on the tron. As they hit 9, Buster Friendly charges out of the back, to a conflicted applause. Since his geographic chess booking didn't allow for a title win, TRON VVV announces he wasn't the opponent but IT is. IT who? The newest member of Team Homage seems to be the demonic clown from Stephen King's IT... the OG Tim Curry version not that new shit. It could be the make-up, but Beelzebozo looks amused by this recentest slight. Nope its the make-up. Pulling a mallet out of his bag of tricks, Beelzebozo treats IT like a whack-a-mole, standing on the in-joke for an easy win... before turning his attention to ringside. Spitting mad, Beelzebozo goes on the attack, beating the living shit out of anyone stupid enough to think they might some day draw a paycheque from SWAT-B. The ring crew flee into the audience, while the security (Teen Old Man Jenkins, Tom Thumb on steroids, and Richard Givens) are laid out in the middle of the ring. The steady stream of curses coming out of the clown prince of darkness has a number of choice words for Viper.
Winner: Beelzebozo
Rating: SQUASH (literally)
Green Bay, Wisconsin
Resch Center
International Title Match
"The Industrial Man" Attila Balan vs. Roxy
...Attila Balan has repeatedly stated that he finds it uncomfortable working for SWAT Backyard out of disloyalty to ACW. His main motivation for winning the International title was to be able to appear in different SWAT reasons. He should be perfectly comfortable now, except that VVV is thumbing his nose at the "no boy on girl" clause in the SWAT contract, forcing Balan to make his first international title defence against the lovely Roxy. While he plots the death of the earth, Iman is still the company's biggest face, and has problems with punching women. Roxy doesn't have the same issues and hurts her hand a number of times slapping Balan's metal jaw. When it becomes abundantly clear that I-man refuses to put his hands on Roxy, and she doesn't have the strength required to knock over his titanium frame, the match switches gears. Roxy uses her feminine charm to distract the referee while "Timeless" Alex Turner chopblocks Balan down before stomping a hole in him. Turner snaps a Falcon ARROW before bailing for Roxy to make a pin... almost 3! Roxy hits a series of sexually provocative moves that have no real impact and just let the robot recharge. After doing the standing splash into the splits fails to get a 2 count, Roxy goes back to distracting the referee; while Turner enters with a couple of nice chairshots. Roxy has to work REALLY HARD to keep the referee from paying attention to all the metal clangs. Throwing the chair down, Turner then starts to use a variety of suplexes (from dragon to exploder) to bounce Balan off the chair. Roxy almost gets a three count, then complains to the referee about doing it faster, while Turner goes for a Turn Me Loose----- only Balan wiggles out of it. Turner charges for a lariat, but Balan ducks under... then uses his CONTROL OVER ELECTRONICS (I didn't know he had that power) to cause Turner to choke himself out with his metal arm!!!!!!!! Turner punches himself in the face, before trying to rip out his own jugular... collapsing to the canvas and turning blue. No longer distracting the referee, Roxy accuses Balan of being a bully and tries to scratch his eyes out. Eventually the champion has had enough, and bails to the floor, leaving Turner, Roxy and the referee to wrestling with Turner's mechanical arm.
Winner: Roxy by countout
Rating: *1/2
Post-Match: His first title defence. If the robot had feelings, I'd say Viper was a dead man.
Rapid City, South Dakota
Rushmore Plaza Civic Center
Empty Arena Match
Deadwood Dick Jones vs. Rajiv Khan
I'm not sure if this is supposed to be an empty arena match, or the crowd just left before their one live match went down. The cab and stage coach drivers throw down like a grade school fight, with winding wind millesque hammering blows and headlocks that lead to rolling around on the canvas. Its surprisingly even and spirited, given the horror show we've been put through all night. Punches look stiff, and they both en up with blood noses. Eventually Deadwood puts Rajiv in the Four Horse DRIVE... only for Rajiv to counter it into a victoria roll.
Winner: Rajiv Khan
Match: *1/2 (Match of the night!!!)
Post-Match: Both men gasp for air in the middle of the ring, having beaten out a mutual respect based on a shared interest in dying transportation forms. A janitor walks through the giant empty arena, wandering over to the two men to ask if either can give him a ride. While exhausted they perk right up, happy to oblige, maybe even working together... just in time to see him hop on the back of ZORK Nontext's lawnmower. "Take Treasure" Mother fucker. The two men slowly chase after their client.
This is a hard show to judge... because the angles and action were amongst the worst I've ever had the misfortune of seeing... but that was the point. So I have to congratulate Vile Vince Viper on a successful show. It set out to burn 12 territories so badly that it will be years before SWAT can run them again, and I would say he succeeded in that. Recommendation to run away.