S2 EP 7 - "The Bay City Brawl" 3/28/18 Bay City, Texas
Oct 30, 2020 0:07:49 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer likes this
Post by radu on Oct 30, 2020 0:07:49 GMT -5
Report by AndyJacksonGames
Hi there, I recently braved a SWAT Backyard show that was held at an Applebee's Grill & Bar in Bay City, Texas. Unlike the usual Backyard shows, this didn't pretend to be ACW, XWCW, or Southern States... probably because those federations are getting worse reputations than Backyard. Or so EVERYONE thought.
The good news is, my 12 oz sirloin steak was surprisingly well done for an Applebees... and Backyard worked their asses off to come across worse than the other SWAT regions. It took a lot of heart.
My main reason for catching this event was the advertised main event, an International Title REMATCH between The Industrial Man Attila Balan and Dark Phoenix Daniel Collins.
I arrived just as the show started with guys I was told were SuperFly BOY & Flatearther #2 taking on two irate audience members in the saddest looking ring I've ever seen. The small family dinner crowd look less than impressed with the wrestlers on hand, and two of the more drunken audience members decided to pick a fight with the workers. The tag team aspect disguised the fact that two of the participants weren't actual wrestlers, and the wild brawl insured that it didn't expose the business as much as it could have. Flatearther #2 eventually slams a BBQ Brisket Taco meal so hard into one of the drunks faces that he breaks his nose. As the blood and obscenities start flying, a large number of families with small children decided to exit the show. The families that remained had a number of wives giving their husbands dirty looks.
Winners: SuperFly Boy & Flatearther #2
Rating: -***
A few of the smaller children insist they return, delighted at the large inflatable T-Rex costume that flops into the grill.
DINOSAUR BONES is greeted by road agent, Lucerio Villaini with a speech that is heard WORD FOR WORD by everyone in the Applebee's...
Lucerio Villaini: Yeah, Vile ribbed us. It doesn't look like he informed ANY of the other talent that there was a show tonight... so we have you in a rematch with the cowboy. Our contract stipulates a minimum hour show, so if you two could drag it out to... say... 58 minutes, we can get paid tonight.
The fuck.
"THE BAY CITY BRAWL"
3/11/18
Applebee's Grill & Bar
Bay City, Texas
DINOSAUR BONES vs. "TUMBLEWEED" BILL STOKES 2
Rather than have everyone leave, there is a spattering of applause for Bill Stokes who comes in through the kitchen. Apparently the crowd remembers the ancient cowboy from his glory days, when he was only 70. At this point I would have left in disgust, but I'm still waiting on my entree.
My pal Vern tells me these two met during one of the Midwest debacles in a crucification match that didn't go over too smoothly with the bible belt. So if this doesn't end in a riot, Bones/Stokes 2 will have lived up to the expectations.
I know he can't see much in that stupid inflatable costume, but Dinosaur Bones almost knocks my head off as he pulls out a large wooden crucifix from behind the bar. Bill Stokes hits him with a lariat from behind, but between the padded costume and Stokes ridiculously weak arms, Bones no sells it....... because he's not aware of it. Turning around to face the action, Bones starts to sidestep the plates of spinach + artichoke chicken cavatappi and hand battered fish and chips that Stokes throws his way. A double crunch shrimp hits my buddy Dave in the eye. Shaking off the food, Dinosaur Bones swings the cross as hard as his tiny fake T-Rex arms will let him. Stokes heroically stops Bones from accidentally decapitating a waitress, but the blow catches him in his artificial hip. As the old man goes down in agony, Dinosaur Bones uses a crab mallet to slowly drive Tumbleweed's right hand into cross. Eew.
Lucerio Villaini: HEY! This is a rematch but we lost the crucification stip. That's not going to play any better in the south with these Charlie Church types, than it does in the midwest! Don't be {Mongo Edit: Nah we don't say that anymore}! Knock that shit off. ...38 more minutes, thanks!
Bill Stokes tries to pull the nail out of his hand, but the Bone-In Pork Chop with Honey Apple Chutney has made his grasp too greasy. He is GUSHING blood. There are children crying. To get the match back on track, Dinosaur Bones tries to pull the nail out himself, but with those tiny fake dinosaur arms it comes across as more sadistic and buffoonish. With an incredibly weak old man half crucified to a large wooden cross, Villaini points out that he needs them to go another 35 minutes to keep the punters happy. ...we're RIGHT HERE.
Seasoned pro that he is - having fallen in apple chutney - Bill Stokes starts to fight his way back, with weak kicks knocking back the much larger DINOSAUR. Dinosaur Bones tail accidentally knocks down the ineptly constructed ring, as weak kicks send him out into the dinning tables. Stokes SLOWLY follows him out. Tumbleweed was pretty slow to begin with before he started dragging a wooden cross that weighs almost as much as him... while bleeding everywhere. A few weak punches knock Dinosaur Bones into a waiter that was BRINGING MY RU-55 BEER. Stokes goes for his DUSTY TRAILS before realizing he needs two hands to pull that off, so Bones knocks him off with a tailspin!
Dinosaur Bones starts to climb up on a chair, only to fall back into a table, because his costume is awkward as fuck. Stokes looks like he's going to lose his hand, but starts to crawl back up. Bones decides to act like the fall didn't happen and REPEATS THE SPOT, where he climbs up on a table and starts kicking appetizers at the geriatric cowboy. A brew pub pretzel NAILS Dave in the face, and we're pretty positive he's going to lose that eye. Bringing his one arm up to keep the plates from shattering against his skull, Stokes drags the cross in closer to the frantically kicking WRESTLER ALMOST TWICE HIS SIZE.
Stokes tries to spin the cross like a sword, but there is NO WAY he's lifting that thing... it just pulls the nail tighter and shoots a stream of blood over the newly weds in the front row. Taking a different approach, Stokes tries to swing himself using the cross to pivot. He's frail and tired, so this is about as badass looking as you'd expect. Its so slow its like I'm watching the Matrix. Showing remarkable athleticism in one of those dumb costumes, Dinosaur Bones manages to JUMP UP IN THE AIR to avoid the old man's body... only to hit his head on the ceiling (D. Bones is crazy tall outside of the costume), and tumble back, crashing through the table and sending glass and wood flying everywhere. I am uncomfortable finishing my meal at this point incase something sharp fell into it.
With his opponent twitching in a pile of rubble, Bill Stokes can't believe that worked. He'd celebrate, but first he needs to catch his breath. Dropping the cross on top of Bones, Stokes makes an awkward cover for a two count.
Bones throws the cross off of him, which drags Stokes with it. It takes Bones awhile to get back up, and during that time he is completely oblivious to all the single axe-handles that Stokes is hammering him with. Another tail swipe throws Stokes into the kitchen, as the two men start to brawl around in the back. Trading shot for shot... Stokes with his one arm, and Bones with his tiny stuffed ones. As bad as it sounds, this is the most energetic part of the match, so of course there in the one area where almost NO ONE CAN SEE. A rustler's roundhouse knocks Bones halfway through the swinging doors, but as Stokes follows up for the kill, the fake dinosaur BITES* him. ...The bite consists of a headbutt to the neck, which for visual purposes results in a few dozen red streamers shooting out of Bones' mouth to make it look like he tore his opponent's throat out. I would normally applaud this use of props, except the streamer hit the open grill and start flaming.
Dinosaur Bones starts to run around frantically with the flames of burning streamers drawing closer to his face peeking out of the pantomime mouth. Perhaps Dave won't be the only person blinded tonight. Bill Stokes is slowly dragging the cross after Bones, who outlaps him a few times. Since the cross has now also started to smoke, Stokes also seems impressively spry in the situation. Its around this point that I see Lucerio Villaini padlocking the exits, to ensure the "entertainment" lasts another ten minutes.
Grabbing a steak knife, a frustrated Bill Stokes GUTS Bones. ...Fortunately its just a suit, and the deep gash just results in stuffing... and a disturbing amount of red streamers... spilling out. Emerging from the centre of the apparently plush dinosaur outfit, D.Bones is wearing a skeleton onesey... he still has the T-Rex outfit wrapped around his midsection, with the head now flopping back with the tail, but no longer has his arms restrained. A bell clap knocks Stokes back into a pillar, which Bones follows into an avalanche. ...He's a much better wrestler when he's in the second form of his stupid costume. The force of the avalanche breaks off a piece of the cross.
Bones whips Stokes into another pillar, which almost tears the nail from the old man's hand. As Tumbleweed stumbles out from the impact, Bones pulls him into a overhead belly-to-belly suplex... throwing the oldman over him, into the flaming streamers. Burning, Stokes writhes around in pain, and manages to completely cover himself in blood from the wounded hand in the process. Bones drops an elbow for a one count, then a standing senton that looks like he's crushing Stokes with his tail for a 2.
At this point the smoke from the burning paper & cross reach the fire alarms, setting off the sprinkler system. Upon noticing that the doors have all been locked, the crowd starts to panic. I'm not going to declare it a full riot, but its safe to say the only thing I wanted from this match they failed to deliver.
Dinosaur Bones hits The EXTINCTION CONNECTION and almost gets a 3 count, only to have it broken up by frantic audience members looking for an exit.
Bones uses his tail / eviscerated top to knock a good ten bystanders away from his pinfall attempt. Another spin takes out a few more. As the crowd starts to get the idea that this is an area to be avoided, Dinosaur Bones tries to go for the finish again, grabbing Stokes for an Extinction Connection...
Only for Stokes to pull away... enough of the large wooden crucifix being knocked off/burned off that he SOMEHOW MANAGES to get it up in the air... bringing it down on Bones' head like an axe.
The pin is academic, but Stokes and the referee look a little shocked at the three count... like Bones wasn't supposed to be knocked out cold.
Winner: "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes
Rating: -****
The few audience members that realize the fires have been put out by the sprinklers, and we're not going to die, AND also remember Stokes from their childhood, cheer on his superhuman surprise win. Its a very specific margin. Sweating like a pig, Lucerio Villaini decides to get Stokes to give his thoughts on the match to eat up the five minutes they need to meet their contractual obligations. Watching Villaini trying to coax answers out of the exhausted Stokes, while keeping the microphone away from any crowd member screaming "I CAN'T BREATH WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE" is the best wrestling we saw all evening.
I hear the Applebee's manager say that he's going to complain to the Fire Marshall about SWAT, which hopefully doesn't come back to haunt the ACW Anniversary show also coming out of Texas. (cough foreshadow cough)
Just when you thought one of the other regions had wrestled away Backyard's crown of least professional SWAT fed, they bring the goods. DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK.
This was easily the worst match I've ever seen, and it was the last thing that Dave ever saw. Strong recommendation to run away from these shows.
Hi there, I recently braved a SWAT Backyard show that was held at an Applebee's Grill & Bar in Bay City, Texas. Unlike the usual Backyard shows, this didn't pretend to be ACW, XWCW, or Southern States... probably because those federations are getting worse reputations than Backyard. Or so EVERYONE thought.
The good news is, my 12 oz sirloin steak was surprisingly well done for an Applebees... and Backyard worked their asses off to come across worse than the other SWAT regions. It took a lot of heart.
My main reason for catching this event was the advertised main event, an International Title REMATCH between The Industrial Man Attila Balan and Dark Phoenix Daniel Collins.
I arrived just as the show started with guys I was told were SuperFly BOY & Flatearther #2 taking on two irate audience members in the saddest looking ring I've ever seen. The small family dinner crowd look less than impressed with the wrestlers on hand, and two of the more drunken audience members decided to pick a fight with the workers. The tag team aspect disguised the fact that two of the participants weren't actual wrestlers, and the wild brawl insured that it didn't expose the business as much as it could have. Flatearther #2 eventually slams a BBQ Brisket Taco meal so hard into one of the drunks faces that he breaks his nose. As the blood and obscenities start flying, a large number of families with small children decided to exit the show. The families that remained had a number of wives giving their husbands dirty looks.
Winners: SuperFly Boy & Flatearther #2
Rating: -***
A few of the smaller children insist they return, delighted at the large inflatable T-Rex costume that flops into the grill.
DINOSAUR BONES is greeted by road agent, Lucerio Villaini with a speech that is heard WORD FOR WORD by everyone in the Applebee's...
Lucerio Villaini: Yeah, Vile ribbed us. It doesn't look like he informed ANY of the other talent that there was a show tonight... so we have you in a rematch with the cowboy. Our contract stipulates a minimum hour show, so if you two could drag it out to... say... 58 minutes, we can get paid tonight.
The fuck.
"THE BAY CITY BRAWL"
3/11/18
Applebee's Grill & Bar
Bay City, Texas
DINOSAUR BONES vs. "TUMBLEWEED" BILL STOKES 2
Rather than have everyone leave, there is a spattering of applause for Bill Stokes who comes in through the kitchen. Apparently the crowd remembers the ancient cowboy from his glory days, when he was only 70. At this point I would have left in disgust, but I'm still waiting on my entree.
My pal Vern tells me these two met during one of the Midwest debacles in a crucification match that didn't go over too smoothly with the bible belt. So if this doesn't end in a riot, Bones/Stokes 2 will have lived up to the expectations.
I know he can't see much in that stupid inflatable costume, but Dinosaur Bones almost knocks my head off as he pulls out a large wooden crucifix from behind the bar. Bill Stokes hits him with a lariat from behind, but between the padded costume and Stokes ridiculously weak arms, Bones no sells it....... because he's not aware of it. Turning around to face the action, Bones starts to sidestep the plates of spinach + artichoke chicken cavatappi and hand battered fish and chips that Stokes throws his way. A double crunch shrimp hits my buddy Dave in the eye. Shaking off the food, Dinosaur Bones swings the cross as hard as his tiny fake T-Rex arms will let him. Stokes heroically stops Bones from accidentally decapitating a waitress, but the blow catches him in his artificial hip. As the old man goes down in agony, Dinosaur Bones uses a crab mallet to slowly drive Tumbleweed's right hand into cross. Eew.
Lucerio Villaini: HEY! This is a rematch but we lost the crucification stip. That's not going to play any better in the south with these Charlie Church types, than it does in the midwest! Don't be {Mongo Edit: Nah we don't say that anymore}! Knock that shit off. ...38 more minutes, thanks!
Bill Stokes tries to pull the nail out of his hand, but the Bone-In Pork Chop with Honey Apple Chutney has made his grasp too greasy. He is GUSHING blood. There are children crying. To get the match back on track, Dinosaur Bones tries to pull the nail out himself, but with those tiny fake dinosaur arms it comes across as more sadistic and buffoonish. With an incredibly weak old man half crucified to a large wooden cross, Villaini points out that he needs them to go another 35 minutes to keep the punters happy. ...we're RIGHT HERE.
Seasoned pro that he is - having fallen in apple chutney - Bill Stokes starts to fight his way back, with weak kicks knocking back the much larger DINOSAUR. Dinosaur Bones tail accidentally knocks down the ineptly constructed ring, as weak kicks send him out into the dinning tables. Stokes SLOWLY follows him out. Tumbleweed was pretty slow to begin with before he started dragging a wooden cross that weighs almost as much as him... while bleeding everywhere. A few weak punches knock Dinosaur Bones into a waiter that was BRINGING MY RU-55 BEER. Stokes goes for his DUSTY TRAILS before realizing he needs two hands to pull that off, so Bones knocks him off with a tailspin!
Dinosaur Bones starts to climb up on a chair, only to fall back into a table, because his costume is awkward as fuck. Stokes looks like he's going to lose his hand, but starts to crawl back up. Bones decides to act like the fall didn't happen and REPEATS THE SPOT, where he climbs up on a table and starts kicking appetizers at the geriatric cowboy. A brew pub pretzel NAILS Dave in the face, and we're pretty positive he's going to lose that eye. Bringing his one arm up to keep the plates from shattering against his skull, Stokes drags the cross in closer to the frantically kicking WRESTLER ALMOST TWICE HIS SIZE.
Stokes tries to spin the cross like a sword, but there is NO WAY he's lifting that thing... it just pulls the nail tighter and shoots a stream of blood over the newly weds in the front row. Taking a different approach, Stokes tries to swing himself using the cross to pivot. He's frail and tired, so this is about as badass looking as you'd expect. Its so slow its like I'm watching the Matrix. Showing remarkable athleticism in one of those dumb costumes, Dinosaur Bones manages to JUMP UP IN THE AIR to avoid the old man's body... only to hit his head on the ceiling (D. Bones is crazy tall outside of the costume), and tumble back, crashing through the table and sending glass and wood flying everywhere. I am uncomfortable finishing my meal at this point incase something sharp fell into it.
With his opponent twitching in a pile of rubble, Bill Stokes can't believe that worked. He'd celebrate, but first he needs to catch his breath. Dropping the cross on top of Bones, Stokes makes an awkward cover for a two count.
Bones throws the cross off of him, which drags Stokes with it. It takes Bones awhile to get back up, and during that time he is completely oblivious to all the single axe-handles that Stokes is hammering him with. Another tail swipe throws Stokes into the kitchen, as the two men start to brawl around in the back. Trading shot for shot... Stokes with his one arm, and Bones with his tiny stuffed ones. As bad as it sounds, this is the most energetic part of the match, so of course there in the one area where almost NO ONE CAN SEE. A rustler's roundhouse knocks Bones halfway through the swinging doors, but as Stokes follows up for the kill, the fake dinosaur BITES* him. ...The bite consists of a headbutt to the neck, which for visual purposes results in a few dozen red streamers shooting out of Bones' mouth to make it look like he tore his opponent's throat out. I would normally applaud this use of props, except the streamer hit the open grill and start flaming.
Dinosaur Bones starts to run around frantically with the flames of burning streamers drawing closer to his face peeking out of the pantomime mouth. Perhaps Dave won't be the only person blinded tonight. Bill Stokes is slowly dragging the cross after Bones, who outlaps him a few times. Since the cross has now also started to smoke, Stokes also seems impressively spry in the situation. Its around this point that I see Lucerio Villaini padlocking the exits, to ensure the "entertainment" lasts another ten minutes.
Grabbing a steak knife, a frustrated Bill Stokes GUTS Bones. ...Fortunately its just a suit, and the deep gash just results in stuffing... and a disturbing amount of red streamers... spilling out. Emerging from the centre of the apparently plush dinosaur outfit, D.Bones is wearing a skeleton onesey... he still has the T-Rex outfit wrapped around his midsection, with the head now flopping back with the tail, but no longer has his arms restrained. A bell clap knocks Stokes back into a pillar, which Bones follows into an avalanche. ...He's a much better wrestler when he's in the second form of his stupid costume. The force of the avalanche breaks off a piece of the cross.
Bones whips Stokes into another pillar, which almost tears the nail from the old man's hand. As Tumbleweed stumbles out from the impact, Bones pulls him into a overhead belly-to-belly suplex... throwing the oldman over him, into the flaming streamers. Burning, Stokes writhes around in pain, and manages to completely cover himself in blood from the wounded hand in the process. Bones drops an elbow for a one count, then a standing senton that looks like he's crushing Stokes with his tail for a 2.
At this point the smoke from the burning paper & cross reach the fire alarms, setting off the sprinkler system. Upon noticing that the doors have all been locked, the crowd starts to panic. I'm not going to declare it a full riot, but its safe to say the only thing I wanted from this match they failed to deliver.
Dinosaur Bones hits The EXTINCTION CONNECTION and almost gets a 3 count, only to have it broken up by frantic audience members looking for an exit.
Bones uses his tail / eviscerated top to knock a good ten bystanders away from his pinfall attempt. Another spin takes out a few more. As the crowd starts to get the idea that this is an area to be avoided, Dinosaur Bones tries to go for the finish again, grabbing Stokes for an Extinction Connection...
Only for Stokes to pull away... enough of the large wooden crucifix being knocked off/burned off that he SOMEHOW MANAGES to get it up in the air... bringing it down on Bones' head like an axe.
The pin is academic, but Stokes and the referee look a little shocked at the three count... like Bones wasn't supposed to be knocked out cold.
Winner: "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes
Rating: -****
The few audience members that realize the fires have been put out by the sprinklers, and we're not going to die, AND also remember Stokes from their childhood, cheer on his superhuman surprise win. Its a very specific margin. Sweating like a pig, Lucerio Villaini decides to get Stokes to give his thoughts on the match to eat up the five minutes they need to meet their contractual obligations. Watching Villaini trying to coax answers out of the exhausted Stokes, while keeping the microphone away from any crowd member screaming "I CAN'T BREATH WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE" is the best wrestling we saw all evening.
I hear the Applebee's manager say that he's going to complain to the Fire Marshall about SWAT, which hopefully doesn't come back to haunt the ACW Anniversary show also coming out of Texas. (cough foreshadow cough)
Just when you thought one of the other regions had wrestled away Backyard's crown of least professional SWAT fed, they bring the goods. DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK.
This was easily the worst match I've ever seen, and it was the last thing that Dave ever saw. Strong recommendation to run away from these shows.