Post by radu on Oct 30, 2020 0:37:55 GMT -5
SWAT Hawaii Style
3/30/18
Stan Sheriff Center
Honolulu, Hawaii
SWAT has let a lot of suspect characters starting suspect organizations to run shows in a lot of suspect places. So much so, that us proud Hawaiians were started to feel shafted. I was half expecting to see Shootfighter start SWAT: Bangkok or Sly Fondell start SWAT: Zimbabwe before the Aloha State would ever see the organization live. I was so excited when this was announced, I almost got past the fact that it was the Backyard brand.
They are claiming that Stan Sheriff Center is sold out, but it looks closer to 80% capacity, which is still amazing given the card. In the week leading up to the event, SWAT B put on a series of pop-up shows to promote this, mostly headlined by Funny Business taking on their evil doppelgängers Knockoff Industrial Man & "Beelzebozo" Triggerfish Laughlin. Funny Business is INCREDIBLY popular here. Sadly rather than fly out Faux Business, they just dressed up some locals. We have a lot of great wrestlers in Hawaii, but Viper went for the cheap ones instead... and their matches reflected that. Still it lead to a solid, turn out.
A video package starting the show sees VVV, Sirius Man, Roxy, Heathers, Foster's BEER Man & The BEEF show up dressed as the cast of Saved By The Bell. Vile is Zack Morris. Apparently Roxy's grandfather Dean Jones has invited them to stay at his resort for the summer (...), since it will soon be put out of business by the much nicer hotel next door. With all the piss and vinegar you'd expect from these enthusiastic high school students, VVV & the gang decide they are going to save the hotel the only way they know how. Wrestling.
"Summertime" by DJ Jazzy Jeff blasted repeatedly over the loud speakers throughout the ENTIRE show.
GRUDGE MATCH
A Nonymoose vs. Zoran Sainovic
...Apparently on the last ACW episode the guy who plays Anonymoose was hurt pretty badly. He may never wrestle again. The fact that Viper is the one who ended his career doesn't stop the old man from dressing someone else up in the moose outfit. From his build, I would say it was local worker Kahuku Fats. Looking to avenge his ACW Memorial loss, Sainovic is especially vicious against this unknown entity. The match mostly consists of him slashing away at the stuffed helmet with an international object while keeping the guy down with stiff kicks. Growing tired of the beating, Sainovic puts him away a triangle choke.
Winner: Zoran Sainovic
Rating: -*
Post-Match: Sainovic rips off the moose head, fortunately Kahuku Fats is so bloody that you still don't know Anonymoose's real identity. Local worker King Koi does though, who challenges Sainovic to a REAL contest later in the show.
Video Package: Having heard of the much nicer hotel next door, The Freedonia, Viper checks himself in. Leaving the workers to save Dean Jones' rat nest. While walking the beach Viper falls madly in love with a woman played by Demonica, who is old enough to be his great granddaughter (30). He is DISGUSTED to find she has a four-year-old daughter, but decides to stick to the Saved By The Bell movie script, and acts interested. Always helpful, Viper suggests the kid pulls its own weight which leads us too...
Video Package #2: At the pop-up shows throughout the week, SWAT (//files.jcink.net/html/emoticons/cool.gif hosted a title tournament for its U-10 division. ....under 10. ....god help us. Clips are shown of various matches involving tots hitting each other with power bombs, ending with one of the three year olds saying he's a trained professional so don't try this at home.... only he's too shy to say that. The end of the montage leads us to the tournament finals, which are LIVE tonight. Christ.
U-10 Championship
Weng Weng vs. Sadako vs. Tommy the TSWF Orphan vs. "HGH Wanted" Billie Fitzgibbons
The under 10s that remain see one kid dressed as the filipino secret agent dwarf Weng Weng, another dressed as the little girl from the Ring movies, that orphan VVV used to use in TSWF who doesn't seem to have aged in the last decade, and Billie Fitzgibbons... the smallest of the children, whose gimmick is that desperately wants Human Growth Hormones. Before the match starts, Fitzgibbons informs that crowd that he's going to knock all his opponents teeth out so that the Tooth Fairy will leave some HGH under his pillow. Adorable. Viper has really outdone himself. The bell rings, degenerating into what you'd expect from a wrestling contest featuring preteens. Sadako attempts to rip the others heads off with her psychic powers, but they aren't into storytelling that complex. So Weng Weng posses like James Bond while pretending to shoot the crowd with a water pistol. Tommy & Billie attempt a series of german suplexes, which I STRONGLY FEEL sends the wrong message, until their play fight turns real, and they start shoving each other. As Billie bites away trying to get a headlock, Weng Weng gets with the picture falling under Sadako's mind control. He uses his water pistol to shoot the others, before turning it on himself, apparently a message on gun control, as he hits his temple with a steady stream of water. The following pin by Sadako is academic.
Winner and *NEW* U-10 champion: Sadako
Rating: -******** concept, DUD in practice
Post-Match: The kids all take a bow, to a spattering of applause that is WAY TOO POLITE.
Quick Thoughts: Nice to see the only regular go over, but I really hope this division gets scrapped before the troop returns to the mainland........... its really uncomfortable.
Pacific Showcase #1
Bad Boy Briggs vs. Hang Ten (Aloha Wild Wrestling)
Triple B breaks the surfer bro's board over his knee before the bell. Hang Ten is unconsolable, weeping in a fetal position as Briggs covers him for 3.
Winner: Bad Boy Briggs
Rating: Squash.
Post-Match: Briggs buys him a new board to cheer TEN up. ...Then breaks it too.
Video Package. Roxy as Kelly bets that Heathers & Foster's BEER Man as Jessie & Slater can't go their whole vacation without fighting. The BEEF - clearly Skreech - is adopted by locals as the reincarnation of a god. ...That was a really offensive dumb movie.
Pacific Showcase #2
Olmec Captain Nemo vs. Night Marcher (Aloha Wild Wrestling)
The Night Marcher wrestles for Aloha Wild - he's really good, and I expect to see him signed with one of the majors soon. Hopefully this gives him a shot to show ACW brass his unique gimmick and amazing athlete-----and its over. Nemo using his fake sub for an avalanche. well. shit.
Winner: Olmec Captain Nemo
Rating: SQUASH
Post-Match: Night Marcher sells the avalanche like it was a soutterlanche.... which is a damned shame.
Pacific Showcase #3
Zoran Sainovic vs. King Koi (Aloha Wild Wrestling)
The third of their exhibition matches with AWW, features Aloha's ACE an current heavyweight champion taking on The Industrial Man's weak manager pulling double duty. This should pay off the previous crushes, make the locals look good, and create a positive working relationship between SWAT an the AWW. So of course, the moment Koi offers a handshake, Zoran stabs him with a scalpel. And keeps stabbing, until even the referee can't ignore it.
Winner: King Koi by DQ.
Rating: -***
Post-Match: Some of the Aloha roster jump the guardrail to come to Koi's aid - only to get slashed up. Zoran leaves the ring with five men bleeding profuely, and any chance of SWAT Pacific becoming a region going up in flames.
Unable to sit through any more of this crap, I head outside. By the front gates Victoria Bitter Boy is in the middle of hawking Australia's second favourite lager on anyone stupid enough to listen to him, when he spots a random woman he mistakes for the cartoon character Moana. It might be the Bitter in him, but Victoria comes on strong, bragging about how much he can bench. This brings out a disgusted Feminist warrior...
STREET FIGHT
Roxy & Moana vs. Victoria Bitter Boy & Super Fly Boy
From her complete unwillingness to be on camera, I'm guessing the woman being identified as Moana is ACTUALLY a passerby who had no idea this stunt was happening. A large crowd gathers as Roxy takes out Super Fly Boy with a REALLY HIGH KICK in an inappropriate skirt. The match is trying to sell empowering women, but Roxy doesn't make the best example... so everything about it seems weird. With Moana running away its essentially a handicap match, except whichever frat boy isn't getting roughed up by Roxy is admiring the view of her beating up their partner. One nice spot sees Roxy hitting Super Fly Boy in the head with a bike, before planting it on a downed Bitter Boy and running him over. Also not helping the street fight, is that both men don't really look comfortable using strikes, and try to go for wrestling holds instead.............. completely defeating the point of the setting. What we're left with is 20 mins of Roxy just hitting the two creeps with random plunder. Eventually crotching Super Fly Boy on a bench before choking Victoria Bitter Boy out with a lei of flowers.
Winners: Roxy & Moana
Rating: *
Post-Match: ...Roxy does a victory dance, which gets the crowd so riled up, I have no way of exiting the arena. ...Defeated, I return to the main show.
DINOSAUR BONES vs. Midnight COOL
There is a lot of tumbling, leap frogging, and rolls as Midnight Cool jumps around the ring for a good ten minutes trying to avoid swipes from Bones' tail. Eventually he slips up and Bones "bites" his head off, covering the crowd in red streamers.
Winner: Dinosaur Bones
Rating: *1/2 - legit contender for MATCH OF THE NIGHT
Video Package: Olmec Captain Nemo, Foster's BEER Man & Heathers stumble across The Missing Piece is a pool of his own blood. Is he dead? Who attacked him? Heathers suggests they call in the professionals. They're already here. Magnum, TC, & Icepick... cosplays based on the popular television show, clearly local workers from the Paradise Wrestling League, come in to solve the crime. "This looks like the work of the Freedonia Hotel Consortium, ...which is us." The Luau Mafia viciously attack the SWAT workers with conch shells, aided by Adventure Island's Master Higgins from behind. The BEEF and his army of offensive stereotype tribesmen come racing in to make the save, but the damage is already done.
In the ring, VVV calls out Funny Business. He hears that Attila Balan has been demanding better title challengers, so is going to have him put the International Title on the line in a three-way-dance. Beelzebozo will put his ACW Heavyweight Title on the line. If either get pinned they lose their belts. He hopes that will be enough incentive to keep this sporting, but knows that Balan won't tarnish the International title by making this a squash.
SWAT INTERNATIONAL TITLE vs. ACW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE vs. NOTHING
"The Industrial Man" Attila Balan <c>
vs.
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly <c>
vs.
Vile "Vince" Viper
Rather than create tension between the tag team champions, Viper immediately finds himself getting mercilessly double teamed. This is the way the Royal Rumble would have won if he hadn't cheated. I guess the audience should feel cheated that we aren't getting a real match out of these three performers, but after everything that Viper has made us sit through thus far? We aren't complaining. Three minutes into the squash, Beelzebozo accidentally pins VVV while choking him out, as Balan works the legs.
Winner: Beelzebozo
Rating: ...it should be dud, but the crowd reaction puts this at ***** best SWAT match ever.
Post-Match: Funny Business continue their violent assault, with Beelzebozo looking to end Viper's career out of revenge for Anonymoose. Unfortunately, Bad Boy if he was Hawaiian, FlatEarther#2 if he was Hawaiian, Frankenberry if he was Hawaiian, Double Knockoff Industrial Man & "Beelzebozo" Triggerfish Laughlin charge out of the back to make the save. Funny Business absolutely DESTROYS all the Backyard workers that come out, but it buys a blood drenched Viper enough time to crawl away. Paramedics come to clean up the rest of the SWAT crew as a livid Beelzebozo starts stalking after Viper.
Video Promo: A not quite as bloody Viper dressed as Zack Morris convinces Mr. Belding to take his trip of school principles to the cheaper hotel... but being Viper actually just pockets the money. He then goes to Icepick at The Freedonia and places a substantial bet on himself to lose to Beelzebozo tonight............. suggesting this was a prerecorded segment and he somehow managed to fix wrestling! My brain hurts.
S.W.A.T. ULTIMATE TITLE
Sirius Man <c> vs. ZORK Nontext
At the last SWAT B show, ZORK reinvented himself as a lawn mower jockey and accidentally maimed Elephant's HEAD on his way to stealing the SWAT Ultimate belt. Zork is a kleptomaniac. It is very hard to stay mad at him. For his old rival Elephant, and more importantly to get his belt back, Sirius Man has vowed revenge. The crowd is electric, with these two being the only SWAT stars that haven't been buried this season. Zork's lawnmower overshoots the ring, and he continues to circle wildly trying to find his way back. The champion then enters. Before Zork can make his way back to ringside, The Luau Mafia attack; laying out Sirius in the middle of the ring. I think Sirius was Lisa in the video montages?
Winner: No contest
Rating: DUD
Post-Match: Magnum brags about no one being left to save the Hawaiian Hideaway, while Master Higgins seems to consume 80 pounds of fruit in under a minute to keep from starving to death. Adventure Island rules. This brings out The BEEF, who would tell the Mafia that he has brought a few friends but can only seem to say "WASSSSSSUP."
MAIN EVENT
Daniel Collins & The SAMOAN HIT PARADE
vs.
Magnum L.M., T.C. 2000, & Icepick (w/Master Higgins)
The crowd lose their shit over Collins appearing in Backyard, and while its a head scratcher to have him team with the Samoans, DJ Tooki keeps the crowd hot blasting Korallreven on his boom box. The BEEF comes out last, like the Saved By the Bell videos with skreech somehow endeared him. It really didn't, but we scream wassssssup anyway because we're pretty drunk. Of all the MAGNUM P.I. guys to emulate, why would they pick Icepick over Rick?
Collins and Magnum start things off. Collins powers through a test of strength, using the advantage to go for a swinging neckbreaker, but Magnum manages to shove him off. Magnum charges after him, only to get dragged down with a drop toehold, where Collins works him on the canvas. An ankle lock transitions into a leg lock, a few kicks then open Magnum up to a kneebar. Standing with it, Collins drags the larger man into the corner, where he tags in DJ Tooki. Tooki hits a slingshot senton as he enters the ring, before tagging The BEEF in. The Beef tries to enter the ring with a diving headbutt, but Magnum has the presence of mind to raise a knee. This is the knee that Collins had been working, and L.M. looks more hurt than BEEF. An eye gouge keeps BEEF from muttering his catchphrase. Grabbing a fistful of dreds, Magnum starts to limp/drag BEEF to his corner; only for Collins to tag himself back in off of the prone Beef. Magnum is halfway across the ring when Collins enters with a flying swinging neck breaker. By the time Beef has rolled out, Collins gets a 2 count off of it. An elbow to the chin keeps Magnum down for Collins to roll him over into an STF. Icepick breaks it up. A low blow keeps Collins down, while Magnum tags T.C. in. T.C. charges in with a series of fist drops, but Collins rolls around to avoid them. The last fistdrop sees Collins pull T.C.'s arm into a cross arm breaker, but the larger wrestler is able to power out; lifting and ramming Collins into the Luau Mafia's corner. Icepick chokes from the outside, while T.C. distracts the referee. Letting go of the choke, Magnum & Icepick hold Collin's arms while T.C. charges in, burying a number of shoulder blocks to the midsection. T.C. 2000 nails three fireman's carry bodyslams, while The Samoan Hit Parade cheer on their partner and are desperate to tag in. 2 count. Magnum gets tagged back in, and is IMMEDIATELY dragged into a LEGBREAKER. Wrenching back on Magnum leg with the Indian Deathlock, Collins drags it slightly trying to reposition it slightly to the safety of his corner. Icepick charges in, breaking it with a lariat, and continuing through to slap The BEEF. BEEF pulls Icepick out of the ring, while DJ Tooki attempts to enter to cut off T.C. 2000 - unaware of T.C. the official stops Tooki dead in his tracks. Icepick also retreats, leaving the Samoan Hit Parade to try to reason with the referee as T.C. & Magnum double team the former International champion. Not tagging, because they're dicks, Magnum leaves T.C. in the ring as the official man. A Brainbuster gets 2.5. T.C. starts to go for an octopus hold, when he's dragged into an inside cradle for 2. Kicking out, T.C. attempts a kneelift, only to get backdropped HARD, then dragged into standing cloverleaf. Icepick tries to break it with a closeline, only to have Collins DUCK UNDER while still holding the cloverleaf compressing T.C.'s spine like an accordion. Magnum tries to enter, but DJ Tooki pulls him off the apron on the outside. Icepick shoots in again, but Collins lets go of the legs, catching the older man with a STIFF elbow, before pulling him into a JUMPING DDT INTO T.C. The BEEF grabs one of Icepick's ankles, pulling him out to the floor, leaving Collins to pin T.C. for the 1-2-3... Master Higgins is on the apron distracting the referee for the 3 count. As the referee is distracted, Higgins throws T.C. a CONCH SHELL. Collins calls for the Phoenix Breaker - but as he hoists the larger man up, he takes a shell shot to the temple. The shell shatters, with T.C. falling on top. At this point, Higgins stops distracting the referee long enough for him to count 1-2-3.
...but Collins manages to kickout at 2.9. The waring parties on the outside, return to their own corners to cheer on their downed compatriots in the ring. WASSSSSSSSSUP. T.C. gets his wits about him at the end of a Daniel Collins slow crawl, but not in time for the HOT TAG to TOOKI. Tooki comes in with a double axe handle, then a Samoan Drop for 2, which is segued into a can opener - but Icepick breaks it. T.C. starts unloading on Tooki with some STUPID STRONG forearm shots, only to have Tooki fire off some of his own. Staggering back to his corner, T.C. tags in Magnum. A flurry of rapid fire fists lose the DJ's natural rhythm, before Magnum hits the RUNNING KNEELIFT! ...really favouring that left leg. DJ Tooki sweeps the leg COBRA KAI style, then locks on a reverse hammerlock - only for Magnum to reach the ropes. Tag Collins, who comes in with a knee drop to the leg. 2 count. Collins then goes for a quick tag to The BEEF, but the weakest link of the team is too busy working the crowd. WASSSSSSSSSSSSUP. Magnum nails a low blow, before SHOVING Collins out of the defacto face corner. In the Samoan corner, Magnum distracts the referee while Icepick CHOPBLOCKS Collins and uses the ropes to stretch his leg. The referee is unaware of the Samoans protests with Magnum holding full attention. The BEEF tries to enter the ring as Icepick locks on a sharp shooter through the ropes, with the Samoan Hit Parade are so outraged, that Magnum can leave them to accidentally distract the referee while he joins his partners in triple teaming the hell out of Collins. Master Higgins throws white sand in Collins' eyes from the outside, while the other three create overly elaborate lucha style submission holds that usually have two if not all three standing on the crotch at the same time. Collins is in a bad way, but by the time the other Luau Mafia members have cleared out leaving Icepick the legal man, and the referee turns around, Daniels manages to hook on a reverse kneebar. Screaming in agony, Icepick grabs the ropes. Slowly getting up, Collins nails a series of elbow shots building up to a running elbow. Magnum tags himself in, and charges in with a PLUS SIZED PLUNGE only for Collins to duck it and roll him up for another 2 count. Collins tries to crank on a boston crab only for it to get victory rolled over for 2. PLUS SIZED PLUNGE connects for a 2 count. PARADISEPLEX almost gets 3. T.C. tags himself in with a gutwrench suplex. Then irish whips him HARD into the corner, only for Collins to absorb it. T.C. charges in, but gets ROCKED by an enziguri. A hip attack keeps Icepick from entering the ring, at which point Collins turns with another enziguri that knocks Magnum off the apron. Grabbing Icepick who is hanging halfway through the ropes, Collins TORNADO DDTS him down onto T.C. Master Higgins starts to climb up on the apron, but Collins charges across the ring, knocking him to the concrete with a Running Elbow. All three men finally on the same page, The Samoan Hit Parade cut off Magnum and Icepick as Collins NAILS the larger T.C. 2000 with a Phoenix Breaker for the 3.
Winners: Daniel Collins & The Samoan Hit Parade
Rating: ****
Post-Match: Crowd explodes. It was basically a handicap match, but Collins managed to keep everyone engaged, and not exposed. Simultaneously having the best match in Backyard history, while damning it for being the best match in its history. Which may have been Viper's plan all along, he's kind of a dick. As the heels regroup on the outside, DJ Tooki & The BEEF start to dance around the middle of the ring, trying to get Collins to join them in celebrating. Good luck with that.
Up by the entrance, Roxy and Viper are joined by Dean Jones who tells them that the Hawaii Hideaway has been saved. Everyone puts on lais and starts drinking as Jazzy Jeff's Summertime continues to play... I really have to get out of here.
Mild Recommendation. Check out the ME on youtube, also I could watch the International/ACW title match on loop. Everything else was filler designed to remind us of an embarrassing made for tv teen movie that is better left forgotten. Damn you Backyard, and thank you for acknowledging the 50th state.
3/30/18
Stan Sheriff Center
Honolulu, Hawaii
SWAT has let a lot of suspect characters starting suspect organizations to run shows in a lot of suspect places. So much so, that us proud Hawaiians were started to feel shafted. I was half expecting to see Shootfighter start SWAT: Bangkok or Sly Fondell start SWAT: Zimbabwe before the Aloha State would ever see the organization live. I was so excited when this was announced, I almost got past the fact that it was the Backyard brand.
They are claiming that Stan Sheriff Center is sold out, but it looks closer to 80% capacity, which is still amazing given the card. In the week leading up to the event, SWAT B put on a series of pop-up shows to promote this, mostly headlined by Funny Business taking on their evil doppelgängers Knockoff Industrial Man & "Beelzebozo" Triggerfish Laughlin. Funny Business is INCREDIBLY popular here. Sadly rather than fly out Faux Business, they just dressed up some locals. We have a lot of great wrestlers in Hawaii, but Viper went for the cheap ones instead... and their matches reflected that. Still it lead to a solid, turn out.
A video package starting the show sees VVV, Sirius Man, Roxy, Heathers, Foster's BEER Man & The BEEF show up dressed as the cast of Saved By The Bell. Vile is Zack Morris. Apparently Roxy's grandfather Dean Jones has invited them to stay at his resort for the summer (...), since it will soon be put out of business by the much nicer hotel next door. With all the piss and vinegar you'd expect from these enthusiastic high school students, VVV & the gang decide they are going to save the hotel the only way they know how. Wrestling.
"Summertime" by DJ Jazzy Jeff blasted repeatedly over the loud speakers throughout the ENTIRE show.
GRUDGE MATCH
A Nonymoose vs. Zoran Sainovic
...Apparently on the last ACW episode the guy who plays Anonymoose was hurt pretty badly. He may never wrestle again. The fact that Viper is the one who ended his career doesn't stop the old man from dressing someone else up in the moose outfit. From his build, I would say it was local worker Kahuku Fats. Looking to avenge his ACW Memorial loss, Sainovic is especially vicious against this unknown entity. The match mostly consists of him slashing away at the stuffed helmet with an international object while keeping the guy down with stiff kicks. Growing tired of the beating, Sainovic puts him away a triangle choke.
Winner: Zoran Sainovic
Rating: -*
Post-Match: Sainovic rips off the moose head, fortunately Kahuku Fats is so bloody that you still don't know Anonymoose's real identity. Local worker King Koi does though, who challenges Sainovic to a REAL contest later in the show.
Video Package: Having heard of the much nicer hotel next door, The Freedonia, Viper checks himself in. Leaving the workers to save Dean Jones' rat nest. While walking the beach Viper falls madly in love with a woman played by Demonica, who is old enough to be his great granddaughter (30). He is DISGUSTED to find she has a four-year-old daughter, but decides to stick to the Saved By The Bell movie script, and acts interested. Always helpful, Viper suggests the kid pulls its own weight which leads us too...
Video Package #2: At the pop-up shows throughout the week, SWAT (//files.jcink.net/html/emoticons/cool.gif hosted a title tournament for its U-10 division. ....under 10. ....god help us. Clips are shown of various matches involving tots hitting each other with power bombs, ending with one of the three year olds saying he's a trained professional so don't try this at home.... only he's too shy to say that. The end of the montage leads us to the tournament finals, which are LIVE tonight. Christ.
U-10 Championship
Weng Weng vs. Sadako vs. Tommy the TSWF Orphan vs. "HGH Wanted" Billie Fitzgibbons
The under 10s that remain see one kid dressed as the filipino secret agent dwarf Weng Weng, another dressed as the little girl from the Ring movies, that orphan VVV used to use in TSWF who doesn't seem to have aged in the last decade, and Billie Fitzgibbons... the smallest of the children, whose gimmick is that desperately wants Human Growth Hormones. Before the match starts, Fitzgibbons informs that crowd that he's going to knock all his opponents teeth out so that the Tooth Fairy will leave some HGH under his pillow. Adorable. Viper has really outdone himself. The bell rings, degenerating into what you'd expect from a wrestling contest featuring preteens. Sadako attempts to rip the others heads off with her psychic powers, but they aren't into storytelling that complex. So Weng Weng posses like James Bond while pretending to shoot the crowd with a water pistol. Tommy & Billie attempt a series of german suplexes, which I STRONGLY FEEL sends the wrong message, until their play fight turns real, and they start shoving each other. As Billie bites away trying to get a headlock, Weng Weng gets with the picture falling under Sadako's mind control. He uses his water pistol to shoot the others, before turning it on himself, apparently a message on gun control, as he hits his temple with a steady stream of water. The following pin by Sadako is academic.
Winner and *NEW* U-10 champion: Sadako
Rating: -******** concept, DUD in practice
Post-Match: The kids all take a bow, to a spattering of applause that is WAY TOO POLITE.
Quick Thoughts: Nice to see the only regular go over, but I really hope this division gets scrapped before the troop returns to the mainland........... its really uncomfortable.
Pacific Showcase #1
Bad Boy Briggs vs. Hang Ten (Aloha Wild Wrestling)
Triple B breaks the surfer bro's board over his knee before the bell. Hang Ten is unconsolable, weeping in a fetal position as Briggs covers him for 3.
Winner: Bad Boy Briggs
Rating: Squash.
Post-Match: Briggs buys him a new board to cheer TEN up. ...Then breaks it too.
Video Package. Roxy as Kelly bets that Heathers & Foster's BEER Man as Jessie & Slater can't go their whole vacation without fighting. The BEEF - clearly Skreech - is adopted by locals as the reincarnation of a god. ...That was a really offensive dumb movie.
Pacific Showcase #2
Olmec Captain Nemo vs. Night Marcher (Aloha Wild Wrestling)
The Night Marcher wrestles for Aloha Wild - he's really good, and I expect to see him signed with one of the majors soon. Hopefully this gives him a shot to show ACW brass his unique gimmick and amazing athlete-----and its over. Nemo using his fake sub for an avalanche. well. shit.
Winner: Olmec Captain Nemo
Rating: SQUASH
Post-Match: Night Marcher sells the avalanche like it was a soutterlanche.... which is a damned shame.
Pacific Showcase #3
Zoran Sainovic vs. King Koi (Aloha Wild Wrestling)
The third of their exhibition matches with AWW, features Aloha's ACE an current heavyweight champion taking on The Industrial Man's weak manager pulling double duty. This should pay off the previous crushes, make the locals look good, and create a positive working relationship between SWAT an the AWW. So of course, the moment Koi offers a handshake, Zoran stabs him with a scalpel. And keeps stabbing, until even the referee can't ignore it.
Winner: King Koi by DQ.
Rating: -***
Post-Match: Some of the Aloha roster jump the guardrail to come to Koi's aid - only to get slashed up. Zoran leaves the ring with five men bleeding profuely, and any chance of SWAT Pacific becoming a region going up in flames.
Unable to sit through any more of this crap, I head outside. By the front gates Victoria Bitter Boy is in the middle of hawking Australia's second favourite lager on anyone stupid enough to listen to him, when he spots a random woman he mistakes for the cartoon character Moana. It might be the Bitter in him, but Victoria comes on strong, bragging about how much he can bench. This brings out a disgusted Feminist warrior...
STREET FIGHT
Roxy & Moana vs. Victoria Bitter Boy & Super Fly Boy
From her complete unwillingness to be on camera, I'm guessing the woman being identified as Moana is ACTUALLY a passerby who had no idea this stunt was happening. A large crowd gathers as Roxy takes out Super Fly Boy with a REALLY HIGH KICK in an inappropriate skirt. The match is trying to sell empowering women, but Roxy doesn't make the best example... so everything about it seems weird. With Moana running away its essentially a handicap match, except whichever frat boy isn't getting roughed up by Roxy is admiring the view of her beating up their partner. One nice spot sees Roxy hitting Super Fly Boy in the head with a bike, before planting it on a downed Bitter Boy and running him over. Also not helping the street fight, is that both men don't really look comfortable using strikes, and try to go for wrestling holds instead.............. completely defeating the point of the setting. What we're left with is 20 mins of Roxy just hitting the two creeps with random plunder. Eventually crotching Super Fly Boy on a bench before choking Victoria Bitter Boy out with a lei of flowers.
Winners: Roxy & Moana
Rating: *
Post-Match: ...Roxy does a victory dance, which gets the crowd so riled up, I have no way of exiting the arena. ...Defeated, I return to the main show.
DINOSAUR BONES vs. Midnight COOL
There is a lot of tumbling, leap frogging, and rolls as Midnight Cool jumps around the ring for a good ten minutes trying to avoid swipes from Bones' tail. Eventually he slips up and Bones "bites" his head off, covering the crowd in red streamers.
Winner: Dinosaur Bones
Rating: *1/2 - legit contender for MATCH OF THE NIGHT
Video Package: Olmec Captain Nemo, Foster's BEER Man & Heathers stumble across The Missing Piece is a pool of his own blood. Is he dead? Who attacked him? Heathers suggests they call in the professionals. They're already here. Magnum, TC, & Icepick... cosplays based on the popular television show, clearly local workers from the Paradise Wrestling League, come in to solve the crime. "This looks like the work of the Freedonia Hotel Consortium, ...which is us." The Luau Mafia viciously attack the SWAT workers with conch shells, aided by Adventure Island's Master Higgins from behind. The BEEF and his army of offensive stereotype tribesmen come racing in to make the save, but the damage is already done.
In the ring, VVV calls out Funny Business. He hears that Attila Balan has been demanding better title challengers, so is going to have him put the International Title on the line in a three-way-dance. Beelzebozo will put his ACW Heavyweight Title on the line. If either get pinned they lose their belts. He hopes that will be enough incentive to keep this sporting, but knows that Balan won't tarnish the International title by making this a squash.
SWAT INTERNATIONAL TITLE vs. ACW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE vs. NOTHING
"The Industrial Man" Attila Balan <c>
vs.
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly <c>
vs.
Vile "Vince" Viper
Rather than create tension between the tag team champions, Viper immediately finds himself getting mercilessly double teamed. This is the way the Royal Rumble would have won if he hadn't cheated. I guess the audience should feel cheated that we aren't getting a real match out of these three performers, but after everything that Viper has made us sit through thus far? We aren't complaining. Three minutes into the squash, Beelzebozo accidentally pins VVV while choking him out, as Balan works the legs.
Winner: Beelzebozo
Rating: ...it should be dud, but the crowd reaction puts this at ***** best SWAT match ever.
Post-Match: Funny Business continue their violent assault, with Beelzebozo looking to end Viper's career out of revenge for Anonymoose. Unfortunately, Bad Boy if he was Hawaiian, FlatEarther#2 if he was Hawaiian, Frankenberry if he was Hawaiian, Double Knockoff Industrial Man & "Beelzebozo" Triggerfish Laughlin charge out of the back to make the save. Funny Business absolutely DESTROYS all the Backyard workers that come out, but it buys a blood drenched Viper enough time to crawl away. Paramedics come to clean up the rest of the SWAT crew as a livid Beelzebozo starts stalking after Viper.
Video Promo: A not quite as bloody Viper dressed as Zack Morris convinces Mr. Belding to take his trip of school principles to the cheaper hotel... but being Viper actually just pockets the money. He then goes to Icepick at The Freedonia and places a substantial bet on himself to lose to Beelzebozo tonight............. suggesting this was a prerecorded segment and he somehow managed to fix wrestling! My brain hurts.
S.W.A.T. ULTIMATE TITLE
Sirius Man <c> vs. ZORK Nontext
At the last SWAT B show, ZORK reinvented himself as a lawn mower jockey and accidentally maimed Elephant's HEAD on his way to stealing the SWAT Ultimate belt. Zork is a kleptomaniac. It is very hard to stay mad at him. For his old rival Elephant, and more importantly to get his belt back, Sirius Man has vowed revenge. The crowd is electric, with these two being the only SWAT stars that haven't been buried this season. Zork's lawnmower overshoots the ring, and he continues to circle wildly trying to find his way back. The champion then enters. Before Zork can make his way back to ringside, The Luau Mafia attack; laying out Sirius in the middle of the ring. I think Sirius was Lisa in the video montages?
Winner: No contest
Rating: DUD
Post-Match: Magnum brags about no one being left to save the Hawaiian Hideaway, while Master Higgins seems to consume 80 pounds of fruit in under a minute to keep from starving to death. Adventure Island rules. This brings out The BEEF, who would tell the Mafia that he has brought a few friends but can only seem to say "WASSSSSSUP."
MAIN EVENT
Daniel Collins & The SAMOAN HIT PARADE
vs.
Magnum L.M., T.C. 2000, & Icepick (w/Master Higgins)
The crowd lose their shit over Collins appearing in Backyard, and while its a head scratcher to have him team with the Samoans, DJ Tooki keeps the crowd hot blasting Korallreven on his boom box. The BEEF comes out last, like the Saved By the Bell videos with skreech somehow endeared him. It really didn't, but we scream wassssssup anyway because we're pretty drunk. Of all the MAGNUM P.I. guys to emulate, why would they pick Icepick over Rick?
Collins and Magnum start things off. Collins powers through a test of strength, using the advantage to go for a swinging neckbreaker, but Magnum manages to shove him off. Magnum charges after him, only to get dragged down with a drop toehold, where Collins works him on the canvas. An ankle lock transitions into a leg lock, a few kicks then open Magnum up to a kneebar. Standing with it, Collins drags the larger man into the corner, where he tags in DJ Tooki. Tooki hits a slingshot senton as he enters the ring, before tagging The BEEF in. The Beef tries to enter the ring with a diving headbutt, but Magnum has the presence of mind to raise a knee. This is the knee that Collins had been working, and L.M. looks more hurt than BEEF. An eye gouge keeps BEEF from muttering his catchphrase. Grabbing a fistful of dreds, Magnum starts to limp/drag BEEF to his corner; only for Collins to tag himself back in off of the prone Beef. Magnum is halfway across the ring when Collins enters with a flying swinging neck breaker. By the time Beef has rolled out, Collins gets a 2 count off of it. An elbow to the chin keeps Magnum down for Collins to roll him over into an STF. Icepick breaks it up. A low blow keeps Collins down, while Magnum tags T.C. in. T.C. charges in with a series of fist drops, but Collins rolls around to avoid them. The last fistdrop sees Collins pull T.C.'s arm into a cross arm breaker, but the larger wrestler is able to power out; lifting and ramming Collins into the Luau Mafia's corner. Icepick chokes from the outside, while T.C. distracts the referee. Letting go of the choke, Magnum & Icepick hold Collin's arms while T.C. charges in, burying a number of shoulder blocks to the midsection. T.C. 2000 nails three fireman's carry bodyslams, while The Samoan Hit Parade cheer on their partner and are desperate to tag in. 2 count. Magnum gets tagged back in, and is IMMEDIATELY dragged into a LEGBREAKER. Wrenching back on Magnum leg with the Indian Deathlock, Collins drags it slightly trying to reposition it slightly to the safety of his corner. Icepick charges in, breaking it with a lariat, and continuing through to slap The BEEF. BEEF pulls Icepick out of the ring, while DJ Tooki attempts to enter to cut off T.C. 2000 - unaware of T.C. the official stops Tooki dead in his tracks. Icepick also retreats, leaving the Samoan Hit Parade to try to reason with the referee as T.C. & Magnum double team the former International champion. Not tagging, because they're dicks, Magnum leaves T.C. in the ring as the official man. A Brainbuster gets 2.5. T.C. starts to go for an octopus hold, when he's dragged into an inside cradle for 2. Kicking out, T.C. attempts a kneelift, only to get backdropped HARD, then dragged into standing cloverleaf. Icepick tries to break it with a closeline, only to have Collins DUCK UNDER while still holding the cloverleaf compressing T.C.'s spine like an accordion. Magnum tries to enter, but DJ Tooki pulls him off the apron on the outside. Icepick shoots in again, but Collins lets go of the legs, catching the older man with a STIFF elbow, before pulling him into a JUMPING DDT INTO T.C. The BEEF grabs one of Icepick's ankles, pulling him out to the floor, leaving Collins to pin T.C. for the 1-2-3... Master Higgins is on the apron distracting the referee for the 3 count. As the referee is distracted, Higgins throws T.C. a CONCH SHELL. Collins calls for the Phoenix Breaker - but as he hoists the larger man up, he takes a shell shot to the temple. The shell shatters, with T.C. falling on top. At this point, Higgins stops distracting the referee long enough for him to count 1-2-3.
...but Collins manages to kickout at 2.9. The waring parties on the outside, return to their own corners to cheer on their downed compatriots in the ring. WASSSSSSSSSUP. T.C. gets his wits about him at the end of a Daniel Collins slow crawl, but not in time for the HOT TAG to TOOKI. Tooki comes in with a double axe handle, then a Samoan Drop for 2, which is segued into a can opener - but Icepick breaks it. T.C. starts unloading on Tooki with some STUPID STRONG forearm shots, only to have Tooki fire off some of his own. Staggering back to his corner, T.C. tags in Magnum. A flurry of rapid fire fists lose the DJ's natural rhythm, before Magnum hits the RUNNING KNEELIFT! ...really favouring that left leg. DJ Tooki sweeps the leg COBRA KAI style, then locks on a reverse hammerlock - only for Magnum to reach the ropes. Tag Collins, who comes in with a knee drop to the leg. 2 count. Collins then goes for a quick tag to The BEEF, but the weakest link of the team is too busy working the crowd. WASSSSSSSSSSSSUP. Magnum nails a low blow, before SHOVING Collins out of the defacto face corner. In the Samoan corner, Magnum distracts the referee while Icepick CHOPBLOCKS Collins and uses the ropes to stretch his leg. The referee is unaware of the Samoans protests with Magnum holding full attention. The BEEF tries to enter the ring as Icepick locks on a sharp shooter through the ropes, with the Samoan Hit Parade are so outraged, that Magnum can leave them to accidentally distract the referee while he joins his partners in triple teaming the hell out of Collins. Master Higgins throws white sand in Collins' eyes from the outside, while the other three create overly elaborate lucha style submission holds that usually have two if not all three standing on the crotch at the same time. Collins is in a bad way, but by the time the other Luau Mafia members have cleared out leaving Icepick the legal man, and the referee turns around, Daniels manages to hook on a reverse kneebar. Screaming in agony, Icepick grabs the ropes. Slowly getting up, Collins nails a series of elbow shots building up to a running elbow. Magnum tags himself in, and charges in with a PLUS SIZED PLUNGE only for Collins to duck it and roll him up for another 2 count. Collins tries to crank on a boston crab only for it to get victory rolled over for 2. PLUS SIZED PLUNGE connects for a 2 count. PARADISEPLEX almost gets 3. T.C. tags himself in with a gutwrench suplex. Then irish whips him HARD into the corner, only for Collins to absorb it. T.C. charges in, but gets ROCKED by an enziguri. A hip attack keeps Icepick from entering the ring, at which point Collins turns with another enziguri that knocks Magnum off the apron. Grabbing Icepick who is hanging halfway through the ropes, Collins TORNADO DDTS him down onto T.C. Master Higgins starts to climb up on the apron, but Collins charges across the ring, knocking him to the concrete with a Running Elbow. All three men finally on the same page, The Samoan Hit Parade cut off Magnum and Icepick as Collins NAILS the larger T.C. 2000 with a Phoenix Breaker for the 3.
Winners: Daniel Collins & The Samoan Hit Parade
Rating: ****
Post-Match: Crowd explodes. It was basically a handicap match, but Collins managed to keep everyone engaged, and not exposed. Simultaneously having the best match in Backyard history, while damning it for being the best match in its history. Which may have been Viper's plan all along, he's kind of a dick. As the heels regroup on the outside, DJ Tooki & The BEEF start to dance around the middle of the ring, trying to get Collins to join them in celebrating. Good luck with that.
Up by the entrance, Roxy and Viper are joined by Dean Jones who tells them that the Hawaii Hideaway has been saved. Everyone puts on lais and starts drinking as Jazzy Jeff's Summertime continues to play... I really have to get out of here.
Mild Recommendation. Check out the ME on youtube, also I could watch the International/ACW title match on loop. Everything else was filler designed to remind us of an embarrassing made for tv teen movie that is better left forgotten. Damn you Backyard, and thank you for acknowledging the 50th state.