S2 EP 10 - VVV Birthday Spectacular - 4/14/18 - Toronto, ON
Oct 30, 2020 0:53:12 GMT -5
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Post by radu on Oct 30, 2020 0:53:12 GMT -5
SWAT BACKYARD PRESENTS
THE VVV BIRTHDAY SPECTACULAR
AIR CANADA CENTRE
FROM TORONTO, ON, CANADA
REPORT BY Jeff Springfield
I was never a big fan of TripleV. He has a reputation up here like The original Sheik or Tiger Singh, ultra violent mad foreign devil - so massive draw. I always found his matches boring as hell, and heard too many rumours of him taking liberties with younger performers to ever want to support his ego-trips. That said, for his many decades in the business he DOES have a lot of friends; and with posters promising the likes of "The Walking Contradiction" Sabbath, Flaming Bob Muretic, My Man Marduk, Jester Chad Allen, The Shroud Anthony Alred, and Rex Overlord making appearances, even Viper couldn't screw it up.
U-10 Championship
Sadako <c> vs. Tom Thumb on Steroids
I stand corrected. The only thing more offensive than having a belt that can only be contested by children, is passing off little people as children. Our opener sees the little girl from the Ring climb out of TV and then use here amazing "psychic powers" to manipulate Thumb's body into bumping into everything at ringside. He doesn't move that fast. It must be a good twenty minutes of him running into guardrails before finally just falling down in the middle of the ring for the easy cover.
Winner: Sadako
Rating: -***
BRUNO, Rajiv Khan, MAD Max Nolan & "Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's BEER Man vs. Olmec Captain Nemo, Frankenberry "Beelzebozo" Rosie Obliging & Whomping Willow (w/HEATHERS)
This is chapter 87 in the ongoing "Sole KGB representative versus Monster Army" battle. When we last saw Bruno in SWAT B he seemingly murdered his arch rival, Aztec Dracula. In the power vacuum that followed, Heathers emerged as the newest leader of the movie monster faction... I'm guessing Viper hasn't actually seen the movie, Heathers. See is joined by another tree creature, this time the Whomping Willow from Potter. Bruno has collected a rag tag crew which includes everyone's favourite cabbie, Rajiv Khan and the Baby Eating Dingos. Nolan & BEER Man actually being a regular tag team helps to cover up the oil & water nature of this collection. The monster guys barely work together, and the only consistency is both Bruno and Whomping refusing to sell for anyone. The end sees Frankenberry turning a Nolan "Green Ants Dream" sleeper into a General Mill Special, only for BRUNO to power bomb both men with Nolan on top for the three count.
Winners: BRUNO, Rajiv Khan, MAD Max Nolan & "CPA" Foster's Beer Man
Rating: *
Post-Match: Whomping Willow attacks Bruno from behind, with Heathers poisoning the big man. In the ensuing scuffle, Rajiv makes off with Olmec Captain Nemo's submarine... attempting to secure fares with it.
SWAT ULTIMATE Championship
Sirius Man <c> vs. Spud Boy (w/Teen Old Man Jenkins)
The dog faced luchador is one of the few Backyard performers that could actually appear in a real promotion, like SWAT Southern States... is that still a thing? He's taking on Viper's nephew, who like the rest of the Frat Boys, is basically worthless. Spud Boy is accompanied by an incredibly old man wearing an Overwatch Tee - who looks a lot like Uncle Son of Sam with a sadder gimmick. Match is fast paced with Sirius hitting all his key moves, only to have Spud Boy repeatedly saved by the old man. Eventually ZORK NONTEXT comes out on his lawnmower, almost costing Sirius the match. This draws out the artist formerly known as ELEPHANT'S HEAD who doesn't work for Backyard anymore, but still makes the save for his old rival. The ELEPHANT isn't much, but as our first surprise guest of the night, I'll take it. With Elephant running off Zork, Sirius is able to counter a HOT POTATO into a Dog Star Driver.
Winner: Sirius Man
Rating: **
Post-Match: ZORK NONTEXT speeds off - still holding the Ultimate belt - chased by Sirius & Elephant. They're trying to turn Zork heel, but he's still the most over guy on the roster, and giving him a riding mower isn't going to change that. A few of the frat boys come out of the back, forcing a KEG down Spud Boy's throat to revive him. The Fraternity then proceed to hit on women at ringside for a grotesquely long time.
Al Soomse Memorial Cup
Tag Team Battle Royal
Participants: Funny Business, Samoan HIT Parade, Daniel Collins, ROXY, Deadwood Dick Jones, CowTipper Gore, The Luau Mafia, Dexter Hailstromberg U.P.S., Dinosaur Bones, Media Collection, Arizona Assassins Guild, Cat Scratch Fever, Feral Boy, Sacrifice, The Hardcore Hero, The FlatEarthers, Heaven's Pool Cleaner, Horse Boxer Black Stallion, Human Guinea Pig, JOLT Cola Lad, Mr. Intensity, Midnight COOL, Pinocchio, Singing Pentagram, ZORK Nontext, Super FlyBoy, The Public Domain Players, JUNIOR (It's Alive), Farmer Vincent, GNUE, Bad Boy Briggs, FireRed Ninja, Flogging Dead Horses, GIANT BOOT, TESTAMENT, "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes, Zoran Sainovic, Super Hypercane, Huayco, Dylan Black (ed. NOT RELATED), Original Human Torch, Snide Etch E Sketch, TREE From Poltergeist, Cooper Cordial, Faux Business, Wolf Hansen, Kaola Kid, Handy Andy, Beaver's Tail, Multicultural Phil, RCMPimping, Miss Maple, Sarnia Curling Association, Poutine Mask, Common Loon, Living Inukshuk, Totem Pole Position, Hippo Haboob, The Joes, and Zombie ATSBSHWSOOBSCCBFATTSO
...A good 70+ men come down to the ring for a tag team battle royal in memory of the late tag specialist Al Soomse. The rules involve both members of a team being eliminated even if only one of them is thrown over the top rope. This is hopeless confusing as I can only identify a handful of them as teams, and there is nothing to suggest any of them know who they're tagging with. There are too many bodies in the ring to actually follow the action, and a dozen of them are local workers who really, REALLY suck.
The scene is set seconds after the bell sounds as RCMPing tosses out Pam from the Sarnia Curling Association only for ring announcer Lucerio Villaini to announce: "The Team of RCMPing & Pam - The Hog Line Mounties have been eliminated!" So even the regular teams like the Curling club might not be safe. It keeps up at that pace for awhile, with the UnNatural Disasters (Wolf Hansen & DVD of Mean Girls), NEW UnNatural Disasters (Hippo Haboob & Super Hypercane), Cheap Local Workforce (Poutine Mask & Miss Maple), and Animal Planet Players (Catch Scratch Fever & Beaver's Tail) going out before everyone has even clued in that they might be eliminating their own partners. As the unpredictable element is revealed, most of the guys start to slow down, with the exception of Daniel Collins who continues to throw people out like he'd rather have nothing to do with the match than spend another hour working it. Collins is on fire, taking out another 15 teams, while ignoring his own safety. He ends up looking super human compared the rest. The other TOO GOOD FOR BACKYARD participants are Funny Business, but within minutes of the bell sounding Zoran Sainovic and Buster Friendly have picked up their wild brawl from the hospital, and before Attila Balan can interfere he's caught up defending himself against most of the monster characters looking for an international title shot. With the announcement of the elimination of Flogging Dead Horses & Horse Boxing Black Stallion as The Marguerite Henry Book Club, it becomes clear that their makeshift teams have some common thread. Despite the threat of elimination, Roxy takes out Victoria Bitter Boy with a high kick, because the Frat Boys are really annoying. At this point the wrestlers mostly just lean their opponents against the ropes, while trying to figure out what they have in common. The crowd ENJOYS THEMSELVES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE NIGHT when Collins and Balan start to go at it. TC 2000 starts to get between the two, when Collins spins around chopping him in the throat, then hip tossing him into Roxy. Roxy and TC fall to floor, leading to Villaini to announce that the teams of Man Made Men (TC 2000 & Pinocchio) and Roxy and the REAL Man (Roxy & Daniel Collins) were eliminated. Collins did not look pleased about eliminating himself, and Roxy was quite vocal at him picking on her. The team name can't sit well with Timeless Alex Turner. If Turner doesn't get his ACW contract back, there is a good chance we'll be seeing that feud from hell continuing in the 'yard.
Beelzebozo and Zoran Sainovic's vicious exchanges finally come to an end as Dinosaur Bones helps Beelzebozo toss the mad scientist out. Villaini announces that the team of Luchian Inc. - Sainovic and Balan - have been eliminated. Beelzebozo is fit to be tied when he discovers that Funny Business wasn't in the rumble as themselves, and rather than blame Viper for this rib, he attacks Dinosaur Bones for eliminating Sainovic. Bones goes into his tail sweeps trying to trip Beelzebozo, who jumps over it a few times, before feeling sick to his stomach. Getting angry for feeling nauseous, Buster Friendly dives into Dinosaur Bones trying to choke him. The two start rolling around the canvas throwing punches.
The remaining stars definitely seem traumatized at the thought of eliminating one another. Torture for both them and us watching it.
DJ Tooki & The BEEF finish off the remaining members of The Luau Mafia, Handy Andy, Heaven's Pool Cleaner, Bad Boy, and Hardcore Hero. Dinosaur Bones uses his streamer shooting chomp on Beelzebozo's hands, only Beelzebozo starts using the streamers to choke the dinosaur out. The BEEF sends Cooper Cordial crashing to the floor, which eliminates fellow clown Beelzebozo. Buster Friendly is still trying to murder Bones, as security drag him out of the ring.
When the dust clears, the remaining four participants are...
DJ Tooki, The BEEF, DINOSAUR BONES, and "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes
As security are trying to break up Beelzebozo & Dinosaur Bones, The Samoan HIT Parade double team the hell out of Bill Stokes. The old cowboy eats two doomsday devices, and a double superfly splash. There stomping Stokes into a fine paste by the time Bones joins the fray. There is no love loss between Bones & Stokes, but for sheer survival, The Dinosaur charges into the Parade. The Samoans aren't light on their feet, but look like cruisers jumping and sidestepping various tail swipes and bite attempts. Eventually Stokes is able to get back into it, and it turns into a real tag match. There is great chemistry between the four, but the crowd is DEAD from the previous exhausting over the top hour. The finish sees Stokes get nailed by DJ Tooki with a Stereo PUMP, then at which point the Parade start to take Dinosaur Bones up for a double Samoan Drop, when Bones BITES Beef, knocking him out of the ring. Apparently BEEF was paired up with Stokes as some sort of cattle drive joke, leading to the odd man being eliminated.
WINNERS: DJ TOOKI & Dinosaur Bones
Rating: For the whole thing? The Collins super human eliminate everyone bit, Sainovic/Beelzebozo, and final leg were all ***... but there is an extra hour of filler crushing any joy from the match, so lets call it *.
Post-Match: The BEEF congratulates TOOKI on a well earned victory, while Dinosaur Bones raises Bill Stokes arm in the air defiantly.
A video over the tron sees Vile "Vince" Viper sitting back with a drink on a beach in a much warmer location. The king of snakes thanks all the fans for celebrating his birthday. He apologizes for not being there personally, but you couldn't pay him to work Toronto. He also appreciates the wrestlers volunteering their time for the show, which allowed him to pick up a new rolex.
Best Birthday Ever.
...what a shit show.
THE VVV BIRTHDAY SPECTACULAR
AIR CANADA CENTRE
FROM TORONTO, ON, CANADA
REPORT BY Jeff Springfield
I was never a big fan of TripleV. He has a reputation up here like The original Sheik or Tiger Singh, ultra violent mad foreign devil - so massive draw. I always found his matches boring as hell, and heard too many rumours of him taking liberties with younger performers to ever want to support his ego-trips. That said, for his many decades in the business he DOES have a lot of friends; and with posters promising the likes of "The Walking Contradiction" Sabbath, Flaming Bob Muretic, My Man Marduk, Jester Chad Allen, The Shroud Anthony Alred, and Rex Overlord making appearances, even Viper couldn't screw it up.
U-10 Championship
Sadako <c> vs. Tom Thumb on Steroids
I stand corrected. The only thing more offensive than having a belt that can only be contested by children, is passing off little people as children. Our opener sees the little girl from the Ring climb out of TV and then use here amazing "psychic powers" to manipulate Thumb's body into bumping into everything at ringside. He doesn't move that fast. It must be a good twenty minutes of him running into guardrails before finally just falling down in the middle of the ring for the easy cover.
Winner: Sadako
Rating: -***
BRUNO, Rajiv Khan, MAD Max Nolan & "Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's BEER Man vs. Olmec Captain Nemo, Frankenberry "Beelzebozo" Rosie Obliging & Whomping Willow (w/HEATHERS)
This is chapter 87 in the ongoing "Sole KGB representative versus Monster Army" battle. When we last saw Bruno in SWAT B he seemingly murdered his arch rival, Aztec Dracula. In the power vacuum that followed, Heathers emerged as the newest leader of the movie monster faction... I'm guessing Viper hasn't actually seen the movie, Heathers. See is joined by another tree creature, this time the Whomping Willow from Potter. Bruno has collected a rag tag crew which includes everyone's favourite cabbie, Rajiv Khan and the Baby Eating Dingos. Nolan & BEER Man actually being a regular tag team helps to cover up the oil & water nature of this collection. The monster guys barely work together, and the only consistency is both Bruno and Whomping refusing to sell for anyone. The end sees Frankenberry turning a Nolan "Green Ants Dream" sleeper into a General Mill Special, only for BRUNO to power bomb both men with Nolan on top for the three count.
Winners: BRUNO, Rajiv Khan, MAD Max Nolan & "CPA" Foster's Beer Man
Rating: *
Post-Match: Whomping Willow attacks Bruno from behind, with Heathers poisoning the big man. In the ensuing scuffle, Rajiv makes off with Olmec Captain Nemo's submarine... attempting to secure fares with it.
SWAT ULTIMATE Championship
Sirius Man <c> vs. Spud Boy (w/Teen Old Man Jenkins)
The dog faced luchador is one of the few Backyard performers that could actually appear in a real promotion, like SWAT Southern States... is that still a thing? He's taking on Viper's nephew, who like the rest of the Frat Boys, is basically worthless. Spud Boy is accompanied by an incredibly old man wearing an Overwatch Tee - who looks a lot like Uncle Son of Sam with a sadder gimmick. Match is fast paced with Sirius hitting all his key moves, only to have Spud Boy repeatedly saved by the old man. Eventually ZORK NONTEXT comes out on his lawnmower, almost costing Sirius the match. This draws out the artist formerly known as ELEPHANT'S HEAD who doesn't work for Backyard anymore, but still makes the save for his old rival. The ELEPHANT isn't much, but as our first surprise guest of the night, I'll take it. With Elephant running off Zork, Sirius is able to counter a HOT POTATO into a Dog Star Driver.
Winner: Sirius Man
Rating: **
Post-Match: ZORK NONTEXT speeds off - still holding the Ultimate belt - chased by Sirius & Elephant. They're trying to turn Zork heel, but he's still the most over guy on the roster, and giving him a riding mower isn't going to change that. A few of the frat boys come out of the back, forcing a KEG down Spud Boy's throat to revive him. The Fraternity then proceed to hit on women at ringside for a grotesquely long time.
Al Soomse Memorial Cup
Tag Team Battle Royal
Participants: Funny Business, Samoan HIT Parade, Daniel Collins, ROXY, Deadwood Dick Jones, CowTipper Gore, The Luau Mafia, Dexter Hailstromberg U.P.S., Dinosaur Bones, Media Collection, Arizona Assassins Guild, Cat Scratch Fever, Feral Boy, Sacrifice, The Hardcore Hero, The FlatEarthers, Heaven's Pool Cleaner, Horse Boxer Black Stallion, Human Guinea Pig, JOLT Cola Lad, Mr. Intensity, Midnight COOL, Pinocchio, Singing Pentagram, ZORK Nontext, Super FlyBoy, The Public Domain Players, JUNIOR (It's Alive), Farmer Vincent, GNUE, Bad Boy Briggs, FireRed Ninja, Flogging Dead Horses, GIANT BOOT, TESTAMENT, "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes, Zoran Sainovic, Super Hypercane, Huayco, Dylan Black (ed. NOT RELATED), Original Human Torch, Snide Etch E Sketch, TREE From Poltergeist, Cooper Cordial, Faux Business, Wolf Hansen, Kaola Kid, Handy Andy, Beaver's Tail, Multicultural Phil, RCMPimping, Miss Maple, Sarnia Curling Association, Poutine Mask, Common Loon, Living Inukshuk, Totem Pole Position, Hippo Haboob, The Joes, and Zombie ATSBSHWSOOBSCCBFATTSO
...A good 70+ men come down to the ring for a tag team battle royal in memory of the late tag specialist Al Soomse. The rules involve both members of a team being eliminated even if only one of them is thrown over the top rope. This is hopeless confusing as I can only identify a handful of them as teams, and there is nothing to suggest any of them know who they're tagging with. There are too many bodies in the ring to actually follow the action, and a dozen of them are local workers who really, REALLY suck.
The scene is set seconds after the bell sounds as RCMPing tosses out Pam from the Sarnia Curling Association only for ring announcer Lucerio Villaini to announce: "The Team of RCMPing & Pam - The Hog Line Mounties have been eliminated!" So even the regular teams like the Curling club might not be safe. It keeps up at that pace for awhile, with the UnNatural Disasters (Wolf Hansen & DVD of Mean Girls), NEW UnNatural Disasters (Hippo Haboob & Super Hypercane), Cheap Local Workforce (Poutine Mask & Miss Maple), and Animal Planet Players (Catch Scratch Fever & Beaver's Tail) going out before everyone has even clued in that they might be eliminating their own partners. As the unpredictable element is revealed, most of the guys start to slow down, with the exception of Daniel Collins who continues to throw people out like he'd rather have nothing to do with the match than spend another hour working it. Collins is on fire, taking out another 15 teams, while ignoring his own safety. He ends up looking super human compared the rest. The other TOO GOOD FOR BACKYARD participants are Funny Business, but within minutes of the bell sounding Zoran Sainovic and Buster Friendly have picked up their wild brawl from the hospital, and before Attila Balan can interfere he's caught up defending himself against most of the monster characters looking for an international title shot. With the announcement of the elimination of Flogging Dead Horses & Horse Boxing Black Stallion as The Marguerite Henry Book Club, it becomes clear that their makeshift teams have some common thread. Despite the threat of elimination, Roxy takes out Victoria Bitter Boy with a high kick, because the Frat Boys are really annoying. At this point the wrestlers mostly just lean their opponents against the ropes, while trying to figure out what they have in common. The crowd ENJOYS THEMSELVES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE NIGHT when Collins and Balan start to go at it. TC 2000 starts to get between the two, when Collins spins around chopping him in the throat, then hip tossing him into Roxy. Roxy and TC fall to floor, leading to Villaini to announce that the teams of Man Made Men (TC 2000 & Pinocchio) and Roxy and the REAL Man (Roxy & Daniel Collins) were eliminated. Collins did not look pleased about eliminating himself, and Roxy was quite vocal at him picking on her. The team name can't sit well with Timeless Alex Turner. If Turner doesn't get his ACW contract back, there is a good chance we'll be seeing that feud from hell continuing in the 'yard.
Beelzebozo and Zoran Sainovic's vicious exchanges finally come to an end as Dinosaur Bones helps Beelzebozo toss the mad scientist out. Villaini announces that the team of Luchian Inc. - Sainovic and Balan - have been eliminated. Beelzebozo is fit to be tied when he discovers that Funny Business wasn't in the rumble as themselves, and rather than blame Viper for this rib, he attacks Dinosaur Bones for eliminating Sainovic. Bones goes into his tail sweeps trying to trip Beelzebozo, who jumps over it a few times, before feeling sick to his stomach. Getting angry for feeling nauseous, Buster Friendly dives into Dinosaur Bones trying to choke him. The two start rolling around the canvas throwing punches.
The remaining stars definitely seem traumatized at the thought of eliminating one another. Torture for both them and us watching it.
DJ Tooki & The BEEF finish off the remaining members of The Luau Mafia, Handy Andy, Heaven's Pool Cleaner, Bad Boy, and Hardcore Hero. Dinosaur Bones uses his streamer shooting chomp on Beelzebozo's hands, only Beelzebozo starts using the streamers to choke the dinosaur out. The BEEF sends Cooper Cordial crashing to the floor, which eliminates fellow clown Beelzebozo. Buster Friendly is still trying to murder Bones, as security drag him out of the ring.
When the dust clears, the remaining four participants are...
DJ Tooki, The BEEF, DINOSAUR BONES, and "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes
As security are trying to break up Beelzebozo & Dinosaur Bones, The Samoan HIT Parade double team the hell out of Bill Stokes. The old cowboy eats two doomsday devices, and a double superfly splash. There stomping Stokes into a fine paste by the time Bones joins the fray. There is no love loss between Bones & Stokes, but for sheer survival, The Dinosaur charges into the Parade. The Samoans aren't light on their feet, but look like cruisers jumping and sidestepping various tail swipes and bite attempts. Eventually Stokes is able to get back into it, and it turns into a real tag match. There is great chemistry between the four, but the crowd is DEAD from the previous exhausting over the top hour. The finish sees Stokes get nailed by DJ Tooki with a Stereo PUMP, then at which point the Parade start to take Dinosaur Bones up for a double Samoan Drop, when Bones BITES Beef, knocking him out of the ring. Apparently BEEF was paired up with Stokes as some sort of cattle drive joke, leading to the odd man being eliminated.
WINNERS: DJ TOOKI & Dinosaur Bones
Rating: For the whole thing? The Collins super human eliminate everyone bit, Sainovic/Beelzebozo, and final leg were all ***... but there is an extra hour of filler crushing any joy from the match, so lets call it *.
Post-Match: The BEEF congratulates TOOKI on a well earned victory, while Dinosaur Bones raises Bill Stokes arm in the air defiantly.
A video over the tron sees Vile "Vince" Viper sitting back with a drink on a beach in a much warmer location. The king of snakes thanks all the fans for celebrating his birthday. He apologizes for not being there personally, but you couldn't pay him to work Toronto. He also appreciates the wrestlers volunteering their time for the show, which allowed him to pick up a new rolex.
Best Birthday Ever.
...what a shit show.