S2 EP11 - "WEST Coast Quake" 4/28/18 Inglewood, California
Oct 30, 2020 1:08:21 GMT -5
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WEST COAST QUAKE
The Forum
Inglewood, California
4/28/18
Show starts with TripleV greeting the crowd. Viper says that since the Xtreme West Coast territory was so incredibly badly conceived that it was cancelled after a single show, he has decided that BACKYARD will take over the territory to give The West a taste of real SWAT Action.
Keeping in the mean spirit of all these shows, the ring has been fitted with a motion base / shaking floor, so that it is in a constant state of violent thrusts. This simulates and mocks California fears of the big one, while further handicapping the performers who stumble and miss twice as many moves as usual. Tonight is going to suck.
BRUNO vs. Whomping Willow (w/Heathers)
Chapter 21 in the ongoing KGB Enforcer vs. Monster army sees both big men refusing to sell and basically trading tackles for ten minutes. The crowd really likes Bruno, so they cheer despite any questionable workrate... eventually ending when Bruno is attacking by what looks like the SKELETON of the dead Aztec Dracula! The lights go out. When they return, the skeleton is gone, but Farmer Vincent & Frankenberry are assaulting Bruno with pitchforks (!).
Winner: BRUNO by DQ
Rating: *1/2
Post-Match: A badly beaten Bruno is held down Vincent & Frankenberry while Heathers attempts to put a NEW Freddie Kruger mask on him to make BRUNO the Jackie Earle Haley Freddie that no one liked. Forced to join the monster army as another questionable monstrosity --- before Heathers can get it over, BRUNO is saved by Rajiv Khan & Foster's Beer Man.
Rajiv Khan & Foster's Beer Man vs. Farmer Vincent (Motel Hell) & Frankenberry (General Mills)
A wild tag match that sees the faces dominating the cannibalistic farmer and pudgy pink breakfast cereal. Frankenberry eventually grabs the NEW Nightmare mask from Heathers, turning into Freddieberry. The pink jackie earl wannabe uses his razor sharp marshmellow hand to tear Foster's Beer Man in half - making crude sex jokes to the camera throughout the butchery. On the outside, OLMEC CAPTAIN NEMO takes back the submarine that Rajiv stole during the Birthday Bash. Desperate for any form of transportation to make money with, Khan starts to chase after the prehispanic jules verne amalgamation, only to see how much trouble Foster's BEER Man is in, and decides to help his frienemy. Irish whipping Vincent into Freddieberry to knock the "new star" out of the ring, Rajiv tags himself in, and proceeds to nail Farmer Vincent with a Lou Thesz press followed by a top rope leg drop for the 3 count.
Winners: Rajiv Khan & Foster's Beer Man
Rating: **
Post-Match: FreddieBerry starts to make a comeback, when a recovered Bruno chases him out. The three men standing triumphant in the middle of the ring while Heathers vows revenge for the Monster HOMAGE army. Foster's Beer Man looks quite pleased with himself, until he sees how upset Rajiv is. He lost his submarine. Realizing how much Rajiv has suffered for the loss of his cab, Foster's VOWS that he won't rest until he gets his friend a new set of wheels. He also vows that Bruno will help. Bruno is standing there cursing at Heathers, but doesn't seem to realizing he's being signed up. Heads will roll.
ANZAC CUP SHOWCASE QUALIFIER
SAMOAN HIT PARADE vs. HOLY WEAPONS
The Holy Weapons come down to the ring in a procession with incense, and look like a cross between the Spanish Inquisition and cenobites from Hellraiser. Praying for the heathens in the crowd set them up as the antagonists in this encounter. Apparently the winners will take on the winners of a match later in the show at the big Anzac Cup PPV. The Samoan HIT Parade are fun loving DJs, and while I normally hate these gimmicks, there also both MASSIVE so what can you say? Despite normally no selling for EVERYONE, the two large Samoans bump like crazy for the smaller Testament & Sacrifice, whose stiff palm strikes look devastating. I know the guys in the second match are more over, but this is a MUCH BETTER contest than anything the showcase can offer. The finish sees the Weapons go for the HOLY CROSSBODY, when DJ Tooki manages to backflip to avoid it - which shouldn't be physically possible, while BEEF catches Sacrifice coming off the top with a high angled heel kick for the 3 count.
Winner: Samoan Hit Parade
Rating: ***1/2
Post-Match: The scary looking religious characters seem depressed, so DJ TOOKI starts to pump christian rock over his boom box. Everyone parties.
Venice Beach Brawl
Bad Boy Briggs vs HANG Ten
A falls count anywhere match between Triple B & The Surfer Bro looks surprisingly brutal, unfortunately the camera man completely ignores them, focusing on scantily clad swimmers for the better part of twenty minutes. When he occasionally checks back in on the action, they are REALLY trying. The match ends when BBB threatens to break a surf board if Ten doesn't submit. The bro does.
Winner: Bad Boy Briggs
Post-Match: BBB breaks the board anyway. This draws the ire of a number of Surfers, who Briggs happily punches away at. By the time we return to the arena, the ropes are covered in barbwire.
Barbwire Match
Sirius Man & ELEPHANT'S HEAD vs. ZZ TOPS (ZORK Nontext & Zoran Sainovic - who did not agree to the name)
At an earlier Backyard show, Zork Nontext managed to maim former Backyard great Elephant's Head, while simultaneously stealing Sirius Man's belt. Sirius has been chasing Zork, and even managed to coax his old nemesis out of retirement for this blowoff brawl. There is no way to tell what Zork is thinking. Zoran has nothing to do with any of this, but has been added to the match because he wants to see how Nontext operates, looking for some code he can include in The Industrial Man's programming. Zork comes down to the ring on his riding mower, which quickly gets caught in the barbwire. What promises to be quite the climax, quickly frustrates everyone as Elephant's Head turns on Sirius Man stomping a hole in him. As the beating gets more ugly, Zork - who is basically chaotic neutral, gives up on the attack, preferring to try and free his cool ride. Sainovic mostly takes notes, but has a broken enough moral compass to join in occasionally. As the referee throws out the match, Elephant's Head rips off his own trunk and throws it into the stuck mower, glad to be rid of it. Grabbing a microphone, Elephant explains that during the first season, he had his hopes and dreams dashed by a deadend feud with this ridiculous loser (sirius), and seeing Sirius Man as a champion makes him physically ill. XWCW Backyard Superstar LEFT TENTACLE runs in for the save - jumping in the way as Elephant's Head attempts to GORE Sirius. The Tusk breaks off after stabbing Tentacle in the stomach. Hitting both men with multiple RAGING STAMPEDES, Elephants Head leaves both of them in a pool of blood.
Winner: NO CONTEST
Rating: -
Post-Match: When the two men come too, Sirius Man checks on his downed friend, then remembers the championship belt. Did Zork have it with him? The referee explains that Zork lost it in a card game earlier in the night. Sirius seems mortified. Who did he lose it to?
ASTAROTH steps out from the back curtain with the ULTIMATE TITLE BELT! We all pop hard, but Sirius Man looks deeply upset at this change of targets.
The tron shows an ANZAC CUP promo in which VVV decides that his grandson was born on a leap day, and doing the math on the number of brithdays that Spike Nelson would have celebrated, realizes he's only 7. So the 28-year-old is legally allowed to compete for the Under 10 title.
U-10 Championship
Sadako <c> vs. "Simply Amazing" Spike Nelson (w/Vile "Vince" Viper)
VVV comes out with his grandson, like the ADULT MALE needs help beating up a small girl. The promo suggested that this was an easy way to get Nelson some gold to show SWAT that he could be trusted as a champion... beating up a small child. Anonymoose was one of the few SWAT Backyard guys I really liked, but since taking his mask off, Nelson is a total douche for going along with this.
The bell rings and Sadako immediately uses her "psychic powers" to cause Nelson to run around ringside throwing himself into steel steps after steel steps. He's actually taking quite the beating. VVV stops him on the sixth shoulder block to the steps, "what the hell are you doing?!" Nelson explains that the little girl is using her mind to manipulate him, then busts himself open repeatedly head butting the guardrail before reentering the ring. Vile demands that he "NO SELL IT!!!" But Spike is too susceptible to the powers of imagination, and is completely at the mercy of this Japanese ghost. He doesn't even remember watching the video seven days earlier, but knows that he's dead. Spike executes a series of botched tope con hilos - each one going higher than the last, and all ending with him landing squarely on his neck.
LIVID. Viper picks up the steel steps and BELTS Sadako over the head with them, knocking her out cold. Grabbing the unconscious Spike by the trunks, Vile drags him on top of the small child and spits at the referee to count it. 1. 2. 3.
Winner and *NEW* U-10 champion: "Simply Amazing" Spike Nelson
Rating: -***
Post-Match: All the Backyard boys come out of the back to give Spike a HERO'S WELCOME for finally ending Sadako's reign of terror, showing solidarity in a unanimous congratulations of his achievement. ...Except they don't. As Anonymoose he kind of ragged on them pretty hard, also the horrible boss just handed him a belt, also he did so beating up a little girl. Rather than the good will mentioned above, a number of unemployed shakespeare in the park players dressed as the Backyard workers (because apparently they are a step below backyard workers) do the cheering instead. Because Spike always saw them through his Moose mask, and is a little slow, he can't tell the difference. Othello Hardcore Hero and Regal Feral Boy hoist Spike up on their shoulders while the boys chant hip hip hurrah!
MIXED TAG
Daniel Collins & ROXY vs. Victory Bitter Boy & The Sexy Beast Casey
It looks more like a mixed tag match than it sounds, as I'm pretty sure The Sexy Beast Casey is actually an incredibly muscular dude. The idea is that Bitter Boy wants the audience to drink Victoria Bitter pale ale until Casey looks like a woman. Classy Vic. My friend Carl informs me it took him 17 bottles of the "Pride of Ringwood" to get there. Collins and Roxy do not look happy about being paired up with one another. Fortunately Alex Turner isn't there, as I'd imagine he's even less pleased.
Collins starts things off for the uneasy alliance to end Australian Beer promotion, with a running elbow that almost knocks Victoria Bitter Boy's teeth out. A second running elbow takes Casey off the corner. An impact DDT knocks the Boy out cold, as Collins locks on a standing texas cloverleaf. It takes a few moments for Bitter Boy to come to his senses, but when he does, he's screaming like a little girl. SBC reaches over the ropes to break the hold with an eye gouge. Shaking it off, Collins shoves "her" off the apron, then takes Boy over with a leg drag... holding on, Collins leg drags him into the corner hard. A snap suplex gets 2, before Collins reluctantly tags in Roxy. Roxy enters with a ridiculously high leg drop / splits which get a 2 count. Not liking their Frat brother's chances, Spud Boy, Fly Boy, and JOLT Cola Lad come out of the back to make themselves useful... this mostly involves making cat calls at Roxy. These distract her enough for Bitter to try for a small package for 1, then quickly tag in The Sexy Beast. Roxy hits her with THE BITCH SLAP. No sold. The HAIR PULL. No sold. The TLC GYPSY PREWEDDING SHUFFLE. No sold. Sexy Beast is monstrously tough. Roxy eats a closeline, but gets her foot in the ropes to break a pin attempt at 2. Victoria Bitter Boy hands out beers in the audience so that everyone can experience the cat fight going on in the ring. Casey throws Roxy around like a rag doll, before a hitting a pump handle suplex for 2. Victoria Bitter Boy tags in and tries to go for some suggestive submission holds, but is not as immune to the BITCH SLAP as his partner. BITCH SLAP! The furious onslaught that Roxy throws at him has Bitter Boy screaming like Goofy. Roxy almost finishes it with the Roxicanrana when Spud Boy jumps up on the apron, distracting the referee. Daniel Collins uses a jumping elbow to send Spud crashing into the guardrail, before tagging in. Fearing Collins (fearing Roxy too... generally afraid of life), Victoria Bitter Boy races to tag out to The Sexy Beast. While the referee isn't looking, Spud Boy NAILS Roxy with a chair. When the referee goes to check, JOLT Cola Lad throws white powder in Collins face. Victoria Bitter Boy chokes the former International champion against the bottom rope, while the rest of the Fraternity plead their own innocence to the referee. Out of the back come The Samoan Hit Parade, who consider themselves Daniel Collins best friends - even though they, like the rest of backyard - are more of a nuisance for him. The SHP start brawling with the Frat Boys on the outside, letting the stars focus on the task at hand. Collins takes Bitter Boy down with a jumping elbow, Sexy Beast attempts to make the save, only to be unable to no sell Roxy's NOT AFRAID TO USE MY NAILS... which look like they could take out an eye. Wiping powder from his eyes, Collins pulls Bitter Boy into the Phoenix Breaker - while Roxy dives onto everyone brawling on the outside, taking them down with a "Roxy con hilo." The pin is academic.
Winners: Daniel Collins & Roxy
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: Roxy and Collins actually work surprisingly well together. I hope there is no dvd of this show, because Alex Turner will travel back in time and prevent early life from emerging from the primordial ooze if he sees how much chemistry the two have. With the Fraternity licking their wounds, The Samoan Hit Parade enter the ring to play some tunes and party with their boy. Wanting no part of it, Collins bails. This leaves Roxy who happily parties with the Samoans, the three drink some Victoria Bitter beer only to do a triple spit take because they can't stand the taste of it.
MAIN EVENT
ANZAC CUP SHOWCASE QUALIFIER
FUNNY BUSINESS vs. EXTINCTION CONNECTION
The lawyers of Attila Balan explain to VVV that Funny Business are entered in the Anzac tournament, and have NO INTENTION of representing SWATB in an extra match that takes their attention away from the main tournament, and is only being used to weaken them against Better than Sex in the second round. This is all true. Lucerio Villaini announces that Extinction Connection have beaten Attila Balan & Buster Friendly by forfeit. The crowd are pretty steamed at missing out on the ACW & International champions wrestling... which was frankly the only reason to go to a SWAT (//files.jcink.net/html/emoticons/cool.gif show.
Winners: Extinction Connection (forfeit)
Post-Match: Dinosaur Bones eats the lawyer! In between streamers flying out of the Dread Lords' mouth like gore, they manage to perfectly tableau the Jurassic Park scene (sans toilet) to a massive pop from the crowd. Bill Stokes does some lasso tricks he thinks will appeal to us. It won't.
Out of the back stomp "Beelzebozo" Cooper Cordial & KNOCKOFF Industrial Man, who say its total bullshit that these freaks are getting the PPV pay day "Just because Stokes looks like he's going to keel over any minute" ...which leads to...
ANZAC CUP SHOWCASE QUALIFIER
Extinction Connection vs. Faux Business
Bill Stokes plays Ricky Morton to Fake Beelz and Fake Iman... who have plastic championship belts like their betters. KNOCKOFF holds Stokes in the corner while FAKE BEELZ hits a GIANT CLOWN SHOE BIG BOOT, followed by a GIANT CLOWN SHOE YAKUZA KICK, then a GIANT CLOWN SHOE double stomp, followed by a series of GIANT CLOWN SHOE thrust kicks, a GIANT CLOWN SHOE baseball slide to the groin, and TAG. The force of a double team ROBOT punch into GIANT CLOWN SHOE bicycle kick almost has enough force to send Stokes flying into a hot tag, but Beelz cuts him off before it can be made. KNOCKOFF with a ROBOTIC ARM elbow drop, then a ROBOTIC ARM lariat, ROBOTIC ARM spinning elbow, ROBOTIC ARM across the chest for a cover of 2, ROBOTIC ARM around the neck breaker. Tag. GIANT CLOWN SHOE kick to the crotch for 2.9. Tag. ROBOTIC ARM closeline. ROBOTIC ARM sleeper hold - but Stokes counters with a COWBOY ace breaker. Fake Beelz tags himself in! Then crawls over for a COWBOY HOT TAG. Crowd pops the hard way (...we're all bleeding) as Dinosaur Bones enters with a flurry of rapid fire punches to both members of Faux Business that would be SO MUCH cooler if he wasn't using his tiny T-rex arms with no reach. After TINY T-REX ARM round housing righting both men around for awhile, The Dread Lord school boys Fake Beelz with his tail before nailing a TINY T-REX ARM standing SWANDIVE HEADBUTT that is more like a FROG SPLASH because of the size of the costume, for the 3 count.
Winners: EXTINCTION CONNECTION
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: Lucerio Villaini makes a big deal about Dinosaur Bones beating Beelzebozo TWICE in one night... not making the distinction of one win being by forfeit and the other being against a fake. Villaini feels strongly that Dinosaur Bones should be the #1 contender to the ACW Heavyweight title, but knows that Stefan Slain's contender system is a point system based on who his friend's were a year ago instead of real mer--------------STEFAN SLAIN ENTERS THROUGH THE CROWD!
Impromptu Ass Kicking
Stefan Slain vs. Lucerio Villaini
The elderly mafia stereotype takes some stiff shots to the jaw before finally rolling out of the ring and running off. Slain has his own choice words Backyard, and Villaini's insistence on having the ACW title frequently make appearances at this outlaw region. While Slain runs the company down, the referee counts out the senior road agent.
Winner: Stefan Slain by CO
Rating: N/A
Post-Match: The camera follows a raging Lucerio Villaini through the back, where he finds LEFT Tentacle catching up with his only friend - Sirius Man. Villaini tells the former Xtreme West Coast worker that if he wants to get his contract back with Backyard, he can get it by beating Stefan Slain.
MAIN EVENT
FOR A CONTRACT WITH BACKYARD
STEFAN SLAIN vs. LEFT TENTACLE
Slain has yet to exit the ring because of the security trying to rough him up before he can re-enter the audience when LEFT Tentacle comes out of the back. LEFT explains that he hasn't eaten since he signed with XWCW, hasn't seen an ACW booking since that region was absorbed in. LEFT is essentially in limbo, and that Backyard is dangling the carrot of a contract over his head, with the unpleasant consequence that he would have to assault the ONE MAN who can give him a SWAT alternative. LEFT Tentacle is going down to the ring to take on Slain, not because he's being manipulated with the offer of a contract, but because he loves to wrestle.
The "earthquake" shaking ring is going overtime. Slain & Tentacle lock-up, only for Slain to bury a knee in his gut. Short arm closeline. Rolling elbow gets 1. Flipping Ace Crusher attempt gets reversed into a hard toss into the corner. L.T. charges in with a splash, but Slain sidesteps it, then comes off the ropes with a running kneelift. Slain starts to go for a flying closeline, but the shaking ring makes him waste a minute steadying himself, and Tentacle catches him up top for a super ipponzei - which gets 2. A series of SLAPS! (elbows) gets a 1.5. Tentacle starts to go for the SLIMEY CLUTCH, but the shaking ring allows Slain to slip out. The ACW owner nails a belly to back release suplex, and Tentacle lands hard on whereever the kid's head inside is. Corkscrew elbow gets 2.3. Double underhook DDT gets 2.8! Slain kicks away at Tentacle, before nailing the CRUEL INTENTIONS for 2.9999999!!! The crowd is popping hard for Tentacle's ability to hang on. Slain starts to go for the SHATTERED LIFE - which he is literally doing to Tentacle - but between the neck breaker and STF, Tentacle manages a SUCKER PUNCH. Coming back, Tentacle pulls Slain into a Akkorokamui Grasp which looks locked in enough to pull off the win, but the shaking ring sends the two into the ropes, forcing a referee break. Tentacle tries to repeat the Akkorokamui Grasp, but Slain headbutts out of it. Slain again goes for the Shattered Life, but as he's starting the swinging neck breaker, Tentacle shifts it into the LOWER DEPTHS! The crowd is alive for a 2 count... desperately hoping that Tentacle can win his livelihood back. A spinning sideslam gets 2. Tentacle starts to go for the Constrictor, but Slain rakes the face to avoid it. Tentacle then charges a recovering Slain with the URSULA KICK, only for Slain to leapfrog it - leaving LT to ram shoulder fist into the post. Slain pulls him off the metal with a small package for 2. A dragon sleeper knocks the former XWCW out in the corner, setting up HALLUCINATIONS. While the crowd was quite appreciative of both men's efforts, the moment that Slain brings a chair into play, we're all firmly against him. HALLUCINATIONS hits for a 2.9!!!! The chair seems to have reopened the damage from earlier, is Tentacle's green costume is darkening from a pretty heavy stream of blood. Slain stomps on Tentacle's GUT, forcing him to shoot INK! up in the air... which falls back down on the Appendage Assassin. What a dick move. Placing the chair on tentacle, Slain goes back up top for a FROG SPLASH that gets 2.99999999999999!!! Hardcore Hero, Human Guinea Pig, Feral Boy, and Foster's Beer Man start to watch it from the stage - as the Backyard crew that had turned on Tentacle seem to come out to show their support of his return. Flipping ace crusher onto the chair HITS this time for another near fall, and Tentacle's outfit is a much darker shade of green based on the amount he's bleeding. Inverted Figure Four lets Tentacle writhe around in agony, further bleeding out - but there is no quit in the former Panar Leopard Express member. Slain then hits THE DIAGNOSIS which such force that it tears half the Tentacle costume off... the area beneath is bloody, and makes the costume look realistic... which is disturbing. The referee repeatedly asks Tentacle if he'll give up to Slain's brutal chickenwing crossface only to be refused, the violent motion of the ring allowing him to eventually get a leg into the ropes. Slain calls for the POWER OUTAGE, but before he can hit it, Tentacle manages to turn it into THE LOWER DEPTHS... but doesn't have the strength to follow up for a pin. Slain is the first to his feet and starts to go for the Emerald Erosion but LT avoids it with another SUCKER PUNCH. This time the URSULA KICK hits, but a weak Tentacle is slow to make a cover and only gets 1.5. Repeated throat thrusts get Slain into position for an axe bomber. 2. LUSCA Driver HITS FOR A 2.55555! Getting pumped, Tentacle goes for a second Lusca Driver but all the blood sees him slip off Slain before they can impact. Slain attempts a FREE REIGN out of nowhere, but is caught with a JUMP SCARE beforehand for 2. CTHULU CLUTCH gets 2.999999999999!!! So close! The crowd goes wild as Tentacle promises his SLIMY CLUTCH... which would definitely win back his contract, only the ring starts shaking violently again (it is now shaking apart), and Slain manages to wiggle out. Slain turns a KRAKEN CLUTCH attempt into an Argentinian Backbreaker... but the disgustingly shaking ring causes him to fall, hitting an accidental Power Outage. If you called it the Power Outage he would probably take offence, but it was damn close to it, with the impact causing the suspect structure to collapse. The bloody husk of LEFT Tentacle is lodged through the canvas, and god only knows where his shoulder blades are, but Slain's unconscious pin attempt still gets counted for three.
Winner: STEFAN SLAIN
Rating: ***
Post-Match: The crowd is dejected by Tentacle's failure to secure a backyard contract, but hope for comp ACW tickets so let Slain exit through them. The few boys that came out, join paramedics in checking on the downed Tentacle. The two former Backyard workers put on a hell of a match, even if the finish was kind of feel bad.
In conclusion... this is probably the best SWAT Backyard ever produced, largely because Viper seemed to only be interested in the U-10 horror show and that stupid ring gimmick, leaving Lucerio Villaini to book the rest. It was still awful, but track down the final bout.
-Alfie Johnson
The Forum
Inglewood, California
4/28/18
Show starts with TripleV greeting the crowd. Viper says that since the Xtreme West Coast territory was so incredibly badly conceived that it was cancelled after a single show, he has decided that BACKYARD will take over the territory to give The West a taste of real SWAT Action.
Keeping in the mean spirit of all these shows, the ring has been fitted with a motion base / shaking floor, so that it is in a constant state of violent thrusts. This simulates and mocks California fears of the big one, while further handicapping the performers who stumble and miss twice as many moves as usual. Tonight is going to suck.
BRUNO vs. Whomping Willow (w/Heathers)
Chapter 21 in the ongoing KGB Enforcer vs. Monster army sees both big men refusing to sell and basically trading tackles for ten minutes. The crowd really likes Bruno, so they cheer despite any questionable workrate... eventually ending when Bruno is attacking by what looks like the SKELETON of the dead Aztec Dracula! The lights go out. When they return, the skeleton is gone, but Farmer Vincent & Frankenberry are assaulting Bruno with pitchforks (!).
Winner: BRUNO by DQ
Rating: *1/2
Post-Match: A badly beaten Bruno is held down Vincent & Frankenberry while Heathers attempts to put a NEW Freddie Kruger mask on him to make BRUNO the Jackie Earle Haley Freddie that no one liked. Forced to join the monster army as another questionable monstrosity --- before Heathers can get it over, BRUNO is saved by Rajiv Khan & Foster's Beer Man.
Rajiv Khan & Foster's Beer Man vs. Farmer Vincent (Motel Hell) & Frankenberry (General Mills)
A wild tag match that sees the faces dominating the cannibalistic farmer and pudgy pink breakfast cereal. Frankenberry eventually grabs the NEW Nightmare mask from Heathers, turning into Freddieberry. The pink jackie earl wannabe uses his razor sharp marshmellow hand to tear Foster's Beer Man in half - making crude sex jokes to the camera throughout the butchery. On the outside, OLMEC CAPTAIN NEMO takes back the submarine that Rajiv stole during the Birthday Bash. Desperate for any form of transportation to make money with, Khan starts to chase after the prehispanic jules verne amalgamation, only to see how much trouble Foster's BEER Man is in, and decides to help his frienemy. Irish whipping Vincent into Freddieberry to knock the "new star" out of the ring, Rajiv tags himself in, and proceeds to nail Farmer Vincent with a Lou Thesz press followed by a top rope leg drop for the 3 count.
Winners: Rajiv Khan & Foster's Beer Man
Rating: **
Post-Match: FreddieBerry starts to make a comeback, when a recovered Bruno chases him out. The three men standing triumphant in the middle of the ring while Heathers vows revenge for the Monster HOMAGE army. Foster's Beer Man looks quite pleased with himself, until he sees how upset Rajiv is. He lost his submarine. Realizing how much Rajiv has suffered for the loss of his cab, Foster's VOWS that he won't rest until he gets his friend a new set of wheels. He also vows that Bruno will help. Bruno is standing there cursing at Heathers, but doesn't seem to realizing he's being signed up. Heads will roll.
ANZAC CUP SHOWCASE QUALIFIER
SAMOAN HIT PARADE vs. HOLY WEAPONS
The Holy Weapons come down to the ring in a procession with incense, and look like a cross between the Spanish Inquisition and cenobites from Hellraiser. Praying for the heathens in the crowd set them up as the antagonists in this encounter. Apparently the winners will take on the winners of a match later in the show at the big Anzac Cup PPV. The Samoan HIT Parade are fun loving DJs, and while I normally hate these gimmicks, there also both MASSIVE so what can you say? Despite normally no selling for EVERYONE, the two large Samoans bump like crazy for the smaller Testament & Sacrifice, whose stiff palm strikes look devastating. I know the guys in the second match are more over, but this is a MUCH BETTER contest than anything the showcase can offer. The finish sees the Weapons go for the HOLY CROSSBODY, when DJ Tooki manages to backflip to avoid it - which shouldn't be physically possible, while BEEF catches Sacrifice coming off the top with a high angled heel kick for the 3 count.
Winner: Samoan Hit Parade
Rating: ***1/2
Post-Match: The scary looking religious characters seem depressed, so DJ TOOKI starts to pump christian rock over his boom box. Everyone parties.
Venice Beach Brawl
Bad Boy Briggs vs HANG Ten
A falls count anywhere match between Triple B & The Surfer Bro looks surprisingly brutal, unfortunately the camera man completely ignores them, focusing on scantily clad swimmers for the better part of twenty minutes. When he occasionally checks back in on the action, they are REALLY trying. The match ends when BBB threatens to break a surf board if Ten doesn't submit. The bro does.
Winner: Bad Boy Briggs
Post-Match: BBB breaks the board anyway. This draws the ire of a number of Surfers, who Briggs happily punches away at. By the time we return to the arena, the ropes are covered in barbwire.
Barbwire Match
Sirius Man & ELEPHANT'S HEAD vs. ZZ TOPS (ZORK Nontext & Zoran Sainovic - who did not agree to the name)
At an earlier Backyard show, Zork Nontext managed to maim former Backyard great Elephant's Head, while simultaneously stealing Sirius Man's belt. Sirius has been chasing Zork, and even managed to coax his old nemesis out of retirement for this blowoff brawl. There is no way to tell what Zork is thinking. Zoran has nothing to do with any of this, but has been added to the match because he wants to see how Nontext operates, looking for some code he can include in The Industrial Man's programming. Zork comes down to the ring on his riding mower, which quickly gets caught in the barbwire. What promises to be quite the climax, quickly frustrates everyone as Elephant's Head turns on Sirius Man stomping a hole in him. As the beating gets more ugly, Zork - who is basically chaotic neutral, gives up on the attack, preferring to try and free his cool ride. Sainovic mostly takes notes, but has a broken enough moral compass to join in occasionally. As the referee throws out the match, Elephant's Head rips off his own trunk and throws it into the stuck mower, glad to be rid of it. Grabbing a microphone, Elephant explains that during the first season, he had his hopes and dreams dashed by a deadend feud with this ridiculous loser (sirius), and seeing Sirius Man as a champion makes him physically ill. XWCW Backyard Superstar LEFT TENTACLE runs in for the save - jumping in the way as Elephant's Head attempts to GORE Sirius. The Tusk breaks off after stabbing Tentacle in the stomach. Hitting both men with multiple RAGING STAMPEDES, Elephants Head leaves both of them in a pool of blood.
Winner: NO CONTEST
Rating: -
Post-Match: When the two men come too, Sirius Man checks on his downed friend, then remembers the championship belt. Did Zork have it with him? The referee explains that Zork lost it in a card game earlier in the night. Sirius seems mortified. Who did he lose it to?
ASTAROTH steps out from the back curtain with the ULTIMATE TITLE BELT! We all pop hard, but Sirius Man looks deeply upset at this change of targets.
The tron shows an ANZAC CUP promo in which VVV decides that his grandson was born on a leap day, and doing the math on the number of brithdays that Spike Nelson would have celebrated, realizes he's only 7. So the 28-year-old is legally allowed to compete for the Under 10 title.
U-10 Championship
Sadako <c> vs. "Simply Amazing" Spike Nelson (w/Vile "Vince" Viper)
VVV comes out with his grandson, like the ADULT MALE needs help beating up a small girl. The promo suggested that this was an easy way to get Nelson some gold to show SWAT that he could be trusted as a champion... beating up a small child. Anonymoose was one of the few SWAT Backyard guys I really liked, but since taking his mask off, Nelson is a total douche for going along with this.
The bell rings and Sadako immediately uses her "psychic powers" to cause Nelson to run around ringside throwing himself into steel steps after steel steps. He's actually taking quite the beating. VVV stops him on the sixth shoulder block to the steps, "what the hell are you doing?!" Nelson explains that the little girl is using her mind to manipulate him, then busts himself open repeatedly head butting the guardrail before reentering the ring. Vile demands that he "NO SELL IT!!!" But Spike is too susceptible to the powers of imagination, and is completely at the mercy of this Japanese ghost. He doesn't even remember watching the video seven days earlier, but knows that he's dead. Spike executes a series of botched tope con hilos - each one going higher than the last, and all ending with him landing squarely on his neck.
LIVID. Viper picks up the steel steps and BELTS Sadako over the head with them, knocking her out cold. Grabbing the unconscious Spike by the trunks, Vile drags him on top of the small child and spits at the referee to count it. 1. 2. 3.
Winner and *NEW* U-10 champion: "Simply Amazing" Spike Nelson
Rating: -***
Post-Match: All the Backyard boys come out of the back to give Spike a HERO'S WELCOME for finally ending Sadako's reign of terror, showing solidarity in a unanimous congratulations of his achievement. ...Except they don't. As Anonymoose he kind of ragged on them pretty hard, also the horrible boss just handed him a belt, also he did so beating up a little girl. Rather than the good will mentioned above, a number of unemployed shakespeare in the park players dressed as the Backyard workers (because apparently they are a step below backyard workers) do the cheering instead. Because Spike always saw them through his Moose mask, and is a little slow, he can't tell the difference. Othello Hardcore Hero and Regal Feral Boy hoist Spike up on their shoulders while the boys chant hip hip hurrah!
MIXED TAG
Daniel Collins & ROXY vs. Victory Bitter Boy & The Sexy Beast Casey
It looks more like a mixed tag match than it sounds, as I'm pretty sure The Sexy Beast Casey is actually an incredibly muscular dude. The idea is that Bitter Boy wants the audience to drink Victoria Bitter pale ale until Casey looks like a woman. Classy Vic. My friend Carl informs me it took him 17 bottles of the "Pride of Ringwood" to get there. Collins and Roxy do not look happy about being paired up with one another. Fortunately Alex Turner isn't there, as I'd imagine he's even less pleased.
Collins starts things off for the uneasy alliance to end Australian Beer promotion, with a running elbow that almost knocks Victoria Bitter Boy's teeth out. A second running elbow takes Casey off the corner. An impact DDT knocks the Boy out cold, as Collins locks on a standing texas cloverleaf. It takes a few moments for Bitter Boy to come to his senses, but when he does, he's screaming like a little girl. SBC reaches over the ropes to break the hold with an eye gouge. Shaking it off, Collins shoves "her" off the apron, then takes Boy over with a leg drag... holding on, Collins leg drags him into the corner hard. A snap suplex gets 2, before Collins reluctantly tags in Roxy. Roxy enters with a ridiculously high leg drop / splits which get a 2 count. Not liking their Frat brother's chances, Spud Boy, Fly Boy, and JOLT Cola Lad come out of the back to make themselves useful... this mostly involves making cat calls at Roxy. These distract her enough for Bitter to try for a small package for 1, then quickly tag in The Sexy Beast. Roxy hits her with THE BITCH SLAP. No sold. The HAIR PULL. No sold. The TLC GYPSY PREWEDDING SHUFFLE. No sold. Sexy Beast is monstrously tough. Roxy eats a closeline, but gets her foot in the ropes to break a pin attempt at 2. Victoria Bitter Boy hands out beers in the audience so that everyone can experience the cat fight going on in the ring. Casey throws Roxy around like a rag doll, before a hitting a pump handle suplex for 2. Victoria Bitter Boy tags in and tries to go for some suggestive submission holds, but is not as immune to the BITCH SLAP as his partner. BITCH SLAP! The furious onslaught that Roxy throws at him has Bitter Boy screaming like Goofy. Roxy almost finishes it with the Roxicanrana when Spud Boy jumps up on the apron, distracting the referee. Daniel Collins uses a jumping elbow to send Spud crashing into the guardrail, before tagging in. Fearing Collins (fearing Roxy too... generally afraid of life), Victoria Bitter Boy races to tag out to The Sexy Beast. While the referee isn't looking, Spud Boy NAILS Roxy with a chair. When the referee goes to check, JOLT Cola Lad throws white powder in Collins face. Victoria Bitter Boy chokes the former International champion against the bottom rope, while the rest of the Fraternity plead their own innocence to the referee. Out of the back come The Samoan Hit Parade, who consider themselves Daniel Collins best friends - even though they, like the rest of backyard - are more of a nuisance for him. The SHP start brawling with the Frat Boys on the outside, letting the stars focus on the task at hand. Collins takes Bitter Boy down with a jumping elbow, Sexy Beast attempts to make the save, only to be unable to no sell Roxy's NOT AFRAID TO USE MY NAILS... which look like they could take out an eye. Wiping powder from his eyes, Collins pulls Bitter Boy into the Phoenix Breaker - while Roxy dives onto everyone brawling on the outside, taking them down with a "Roxy con hilo." The pin is academic.
Winners: Daniel Collins & Roxy
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: Roxy and Collins actually work surprisingly well together. I hope there is no dvd of this show, because Alex Turner will travel back in time and prevent early life from emerging from the primordial ooze if he sees how much chemistry the two have. With the Fraternity licking their wounds, The Samoan Hit Parade enter the ring to play some tunes and party with their boy. Wanting no part of it, Collins bails. This leaves Roxy who happily parties with the Samoans, the three drink some Victoria Bitter beer only to do a triple spit take because they can't stand the taste of it.
MAIN EVENT
ANZAC CUP SHOWCASE QUALIFIER
FUNNY BUSINESS vs. EXTINCTION CONNECTION
The lawyers of Attila Balan explain to VVV that Funny Business are entered in the Anzac tournament, and have NO INTENTION of representing SWATB in an extra match that takes their attention away from the main tournament, and is only being used to weaken them against Better than Sex in the second round. This is all true. Lucerio Villaini announces that Extinction Connection have beaten Attila Balan & Buster Friendly by forfeit. The crowd are pretty steamed at missing out on the ACW & International champions wrestling... which was frankly the only reason to go to a SWAT (//files.jcink.net/html/emoticons/cool.gif show.
Winners: Extinction Connection (forfeit)
Post-Match: Dinosaur Bones eats the lawyer! In between streamers flying out of the Dread Lords' mouth like gore, they manage to perfectly tableau the Jurassic Park scene (sans toilet) to a massive pop from the crowd. Bill Stokes does some lasso tricks he thinks will appeal to us. It won't.
Out of the back stomp "Beelzebozo" Cooper Cordial & KNOCKOFF Industrial Man, who say its total bullshit that these freaks are getting the PPV pay day "Just because Stokes looks like he's going to keel over any minute" ...which leads to...
ANZAC CUP SHOWCASE QUALIFIER
Extinction Connection vs. Faux Business
Bill Stokes plays Ricky Morton to Fake Beelz and Fake Iman... who have plastic championship belts like their betters. KNOCKOFF holds Stokes in the corner while FAKE BEELZ hits a GIANT CLOWN SHOE BIG BOOT, followed by a GIANT CLOWN SHOE YAKUZA KICK, then a GIANT CLOWN SHOE double stomp, followed by a series of GIANT CLOWN SHOE thrust kicks, a GIANT CLOWN SHOE baseball slide to the groin, and TAG. The force of a double team ROBOT punch into GIANT CLOWN SHOE bicycle kick almost has enough force to send Stokes flying into a hot tag, but Beelz cuts him off before it can be made. KNOCKOFF with a ROBOTIC ARM elbow drop, then a ROBOTIC ARM lariat, ROBOTIC ARM spinning elbow, ROBOTIC ARM across the chest for a cover of 2, ROBOTIC ARM around the neck breaker. Tag. GIANT CLOWN SHOE kick to the crotch for 2.9. Tag. ROBOTIC ARM closeline. ROBOTIC ARM sleeper hold - but Stokes counters with a COWBOY ace breaker. Fake Beelz tags himself in! Then crawls over for a COWBOY HOT TAG. Crowd pops the hard way (...we're all bleeding) as Dinosaur Bones enters with a flurry of rapid fire punches to both members of Faux Business that would be SO MUCH cooler if he wasn't using his tiny T-rex arms with no reach. After TINY T-REX ARM round housing righting both men around for awhile, The Dread Lord school boys Fake Beelz with his tail before nailing a TINY T-REX ARM standing SWANDIVE HEADBUTT that is more like a FROG SPLASH because of the size of the costume, for the 3 count.
Winners: EXTINCTION CONNECTION
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: Lucerio Villaini makes a big deal about Dinosaur Bones beating Beelzebozo TWICE in one night... not making the distinction of one win being by forfeit and the other being against a fake. Villaini feels strongly that Dinosaur Bones should be the #1 contender to the ACW Heavyweight title, but knows that Stefan Slain's contender system is a point system based on who his friend's were a year ago instead of real mer--------------STEFAN SLAIN ENTERS THROUGH THE CROWD!
Impromptu Ass Kicking
Stefan Slain vs. Lucerio Villaini
The elderly mafia stereotype takes some stiff shots to the jaw before finally rolling out of the ring and running off. Slain has his own choice words Backyard, and Villaini's insistence on having the ACW title frequently make appearances at this outlaw region. While Slain runs the company down, the referee counts out the senior road agent.
Winner: Stefan Slain by CO
Rating: N/A
Post-Match: The camera follows a raging Lucerio Villaini through the back, where he finds LEFT Tentacle catching up with his only friend - Sirius Man. Villaini tells the former Xtreme West Coast worker that if he wants to get his contract back with Backyard, he can get it by beating Stefan Slain.
MAIN EVENT
FOR A CONTRACT WITH BACKYARD
STEFAN SLAIN vs. LEFT TENTACLE
Slain has yet to exit the ring because of the security trying to rough him up before he can re-enter the audience when LEFT Tentacle comes out of the back. LEFT explains that he hasn't eaten since he signed with XWCW, hasn't seen an ACW booking since that region was absorbed in. LEFT is essentially in limbo, and that Backyard is dangling the carrot of a contract over his head, with the unpleasant consequence that he would have to assault the ONE MAN who can give him a SWAT alternative. LEFT Tentacle is going down to the ring to take on Slain, not because he's being manipulated with the offer of a contract, but because he loves to wrestle.
The "earthquake" shaking ring is going overtime. Slain & Tentacle lock-up, only for Slain to bury a knee in his gut. Short arm closeline. Rolling elbow gets 1. Flipping Ace Crusher attempt gets reversed into a hard toss into the corner. L.T. charges in with a splash, but Slain sidesteps it, then comes off the ropes with a running kneelift. Slain starts to go for a flying closeline, but the shaking ring makes him waste a minute steadying himself, and Tentacle catches him up top for a super ipponzei - which gets 2. A series of SLAPS! (elbows) gets a 1.5. Tentacle starts to go for the SLIMEY CLUTCH, but the shaking ring allows Slain to slip out. The ACW owner nails a belly to back release suplex, and Tentacle lands hard on whereever the kid's head inside is. Corkscrew elbow gets 2.3. Double underhook DDT gets 2.8! Slain kicks away at Tentacle, before nailing the CRUEL INTENTIONS for 2.9999999!!! The crowd is popping hard for Tentacle's ability to hang on. Slain starts to go for the SHATTERED LIFE - which he is literally doing to Tentacle - but between the neck breaker and STF, Tentacle manages a SUCKER PUNCH. Coming back, Tentacle pulls Slain into a Akkorokamui Grasp which looks locked in enough to pull off the win, but the shaking ring sends the two into the ropes, forcing a referee break. Tentacle tries to repeat the Akkorokamui Grasp, but Slain headbutts out of it. Slain again goes for the Shattered Life, but as he's starting the swinging neck breaker, Tentacle shifts it into the LOWER DEPTHS! The crowd is alive for a 2 count... desperately hoping that Tentacle can win his livelihood back. A spinning sideslam gets 2. Tentacle starts to go for the Constrictor, but Slain rakes the face to avoid it. Tentacle then charges a recovering Slain with the URSULA KICK, only for Slain to leapfrog it - leaving LT to ram shoulder fist into the post. Slain pulls him off the metal with a small package for 2. A dragon sleeper knocks the former XWCW out in the corner, setting up HALLUCINATIONS. While the crowd was quite appreciative of both men's efforts, the moment that Slain brings a chair into play, we're all firmly against him. HALLUCINATIONS hits for a 2.9!!!! The chair seems to have reopened the damage from earlier, is Tentacle's green costume is darkening from a pretty heavy stream of blood. Slain stomps on Tentacle's GUT, forcing him to shoot INK! up in the air... which falls back down on the Appendage Assassin. What a dick move. Placing the chair on tentacle, Slain goes back up top for a FROG SPLASH that gets 2.99999999999999!!! Hardcore Hero, Human Guinea Pig, Feral Boy, and Foster's Beer Man start to watch it from the stage - as the Backyard crew that had turned on Tentacle seem to come out to show their support of his return. Flipping ace crusher onto the chair HITS this time for another near fall, and Tentacle's outfit is a much darker shade of green based on the amount he's bleeding. Inverted Figure Four lets Tentacle writhe around in agony, further bleeding out - but there is no quit in the former Panar Leopard Express member. Slain then hits THE DIAGNOSIS which such force that it tears half the Tentacle costume off... the area beneath is bloody, and makes the costume look realistic... which is disturbing. The referee repeatedly asks Tentacle if he'll give up to Slain's brutal chickenwing crossface only to be refused, the violent motion of the ring allowing him to eventually get a leg into the ropes. Slain calls for the POWER OUTAGE, but before he can hit it, Tentacle manages to turn it into THE LOWER DEPTHS... but doesn't have the strength to follow up for a pin. Slain is the first to his feet and starts to go for the Emerald Erosion but LT avoids it with another SUCKER PUNCH. This time the URSULA KICK hits, but a weak Tentacle is slow to make a cover and only gets 1.5. Repeated throat thrusts get Slain into position for an axe bomber. 2. LUSCA Driver HITS FOR A 2.55555! Getting pumped, Tentacle goes for a second Lusca Driver but all the blood sees him slip off Slain before they can impact. Slain attempts a FREE REIGN out of nowhere, but is caught with a JUMP SCARE beforehand for 2. CTHULU CLUTCH gets 2.999999999999!!! So close! The crowd goes wild as Tentacle promises his SLIMY CLUTCH... which would definitely win back his contract, only the ring starts shaking violently again (it is now shaking apart), and Slain manages to wiggle out. Slain turns a KRAKEN CLUTCH attempt into an Argentinian Backbreaker... but the disgustingly shaking ring causes him to fall, hitting an accidental Power Outage. If you called it the Power Outage he would probably take offence, but it was damn close to it, with the impact causing the suspect structure to collapse. The bloody husk of LEFT Tentacle is lodged through the canvas, and god only knows where his shoulder blades are, but Slain's unconscious pin attempt still gets counted for three.
Winner: STEFAN SLAIN
Rating: ***
Post-Match: The crowd is dejected by Tentacle's failure to secure a backyard contract, but hope for comp ACW tickets so let Slain exit through them. The few boys that came out, join paramedics in checking on the downed Tentacle. The two former Backyard workers put on a hell of a match, even if the finish was kind of feel bad.
In conclusion... this is probably the best SWAT Backyard ever produced, largely because Viper seemed to only be interested in the U-10 horror show and that stupid ring gimmick, leaving Lucerio Villaini to book the rest. It was still awful, but track down the final bout.
-Alfie Johnson