S2 EP 12 - "ANZAC CUP - The Rest of the Story", 5/9/18
Oct 30, 2020 1:18:51 GMT -5
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Post by radu on Oct 30, 2020 1:18:51 GMT -5
SWAT BACKYARD PRESENTS
ANZAC CUP "THE REST OF THE STORY"
FROM QUDOS BANK ARENA
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA
5/9/18
Looking forwards to a night of SWAT action at The Q, only to discover that the main SWAT show is going on later in the afternoon at the much smaller Rod Laver venue. Crikey.
Before the show starts there is a really annoying child who has found his way from the audience into the ring, and is running around like an idiot. The kid might be three. He eventually stumbles, crying as he scrapes his knee. Like sharks smelling blood in the water, this brings out the team of Better Than Sex.
SWAT U-10 Title
Spike Nelson <c> (w/Vile "Vince" Viper) vs. Etienne [3]
The Under 10 champion (a thirty something born on a leap year) quickly covers the small child 1... 2... 3!!! What a successful defence.
Winner: Spike Nelson
Rating: -***
Post-Match: "La Hire" Jean Pierre Celine jumps over the guardrail from the audience, livid that his son has been used as a prop on this horrible show. Not wanting to see any real action before the Anzac Cup, Viper and Spike beg off, running away while being chased by the irate frenchman.
Roxy vs. Bad Boy Briggs
The Fraternity come down with Bad Boy, yelling all manner of crude joke at Roxy's expense. The audience is firmly with the Frats on this; happy to watch Roxy move around in scantily clad outfits, but enjoying a sexist joke as much as the next man. It makes for an uncomfortable viewing dynamic. One of Spud Boy's yarns goes a bit too far, bringing out the feminist warrior in Roxy - who HIGH KICKS Bad Boy so hard in the mouth it takes a few teeth out. The academic pin on their bloody alpha male shocks the boys, who look ready for revenge.
Winner: Roxy
Rating: **
Post-Match: The Fraternity start to charge the ring - both FireRed Ninja & Flogging Dead Horses eating cartwheel kicks for their troubles, before the crowd POPS HARD for Daniel Collins coming out... before the Roxy attack can continue...
Daniel Collins vs Victoria Bitter Boy
VICTORIA BITTER BOY IS CONSIDERED A NATIONAL TREASURE. That said, Daniel Collins crushes him like a bug. A running elbow forces Victoria into the corner, setting up a tornado DDT - this gets a near fall, but Spud Boy distracts the referee. Roxy pulls Spud off the apron, sending him crashing through the spanish announce table... which is odd, because I didn't think SWAT B had a tv deal. The rest of the frat boys on the outside start to come after Roxy for this, but Daniel Collins takes them out with the Darkforce to the outside. Getting back into the ring, Collins breaks an inside cradle attempt by Victoria, before finishing things with the Phoenix Breaker.
Winner: Daniel Collins
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: The Frat boys lick their wounds - possibly on a dare, while Collins and Roxy exchange looks. You could cut the sexual tension with a spoon! I hope Timeless wins the Anzac for prioritizing it over appearing in Backyard.
International Title Match
"The Industrial Man" Attila Balan <c> vs. BRUNO
Two of SWAT's legit tough guys just throw power moves at each other. Bruno has been around SWAT so long, its rare to see him in a contender capacity these days, but based on his Backyard run has to be considered a legit threat to the title. He has been running strong all season feuding with the sketchy monster characters. Given Viper's hatred for the KGB, I can only assume that Bruno has been put in there to REALLY injure Balan before the Anzac Cup starts. After a good ten minutes of hard hitting action, HEATHERS and the Homage Army run in drawing a no contest.
Winner: No Contest
Rating: *** until the finish, which will make it *
Post-Match: I-Man and Bruno work together to clear house, both men having a hard time getting the TREE from Poltergeist off his feet before hitting a double closeline to send him over the top rope. BRUNO chases Heathers into the back, leaving Industrial man in the ring.
The Industrial Man announces that the MAIN SHOW is over at Rod Laver arena, but tickets are still available. The crowd starts leaving on mass, when Triple V comes out, getting into it with the robot. He still has more titles to defend! Attila Balan & Buster Friendly are focusing on winning the Anzac Cup, and realizing that Viper just wants to tire them out for the tournament, won't be jumping through the usual backyard hoops.
VVV: "That's too bad... because this afternoon you'll be defending the SSSWAT TWINSSSTAR TITLES in a GAUNTLET MATCH!"
IMAN: We are not going to let you exhaust us before the tournament starts.
VVV: Ssspike already wrestled tonight! I'm not asking anything from you I didn't ask from my own grandson... what a prima donna.
GAUNTLET for the SWAT Twinstar Titles
Match 1
Funny Business <c> vs. The *NEW* Arizona Assassins
Balan & Friendly stand on the apron debating whether or not they should be participating in this match. They are the sure fire bets to win the Anzac Cup, and this is OBVIOUSLY just Viper devising ways to weaken their chances. On the other hand they don't want to forfeit their current gold. The referee is giving them the world's slowest ten count to get down to the ring.
They agree to call it quits and go after the Anzac...
...Only Buster charges down to beat the count. I can't tell the Assassins apart, but apparently these ones are different than the ones Funny Business already defended the titles against 20 times. Buster does a good job of swinging his bag of tricks like a mace, while Balan watches everything from the apron, hoping to get the show over with quickly. Eventually Assassin #T7 hits a delirium trigger, and the masked men start to double team the hell out of the ACW champion. Seeing his partner in peril, I-Man charges down to the ring, closelines for everyone. Despite the onslaught, the Assassins keep switching with fresh masked members of their organization that are hiding under the ring. There must have been 10 minutes of Balan decapitating people. When Buster realizes that they're treating the area under the canvas like a clown car, he LOSES HIS SHIT, and finishes off Assassin #3910 with a clown shoe yakuza kick.
Winners: FUNNY BUSINESS
Rating: **
Post-Match: Watching the thirty assassins crawl out from under the ring, Balan suggests that the deck is really stacked against them, and no good can come from remaining in the contest. Buster agrees and the two start to exit the arena...
Match 2
Funny Business <c> vs. Extinction Connection
The second tag team is Dinosaur Bones and Bill Stokes, who are going to be AWESOME at the real ANZAC Cup. Hearing Bones name mentioned, Buster continues to rage out like a performer with substantially more muscles. Apparently Beelzebozo has traumatic memories around the time Barney became popular, and children's parties exclusively featured purple dinosaurs, leaving thousands of birthday clowns destitute. Also VVV has been claiming that Bones beat Beelzebozo to justify title matches. The robot tries to appeal to the clown's sense of reason, but thinks that even attempting it might be the result of a virus. Before I-Man can stop him, Beelzebozo is chopping the shit out of Dinosaur Bones, who returns them with his tiny T-rex arms. Friendly tries to go for the knee slapper, but Tumbleweed ties him up with a lasso. While Buster is trying to free himself, The Dread Lord Dinosaur Bones BITES HIM IN HALF!!! Despite the fact that this is mostly red streamers to mime evisceration, Friendly is actually bleeding rather profusely. Dinosaur Bones continues to dominate the champ with SHARP tail strikes, before a vicious swipe sends Buster to a protective tag. I-man comes in, and his metal frame makes Dinosaurs' sharp teeth useless. The CLAMPS come out, only to have the Skeleton rip out of the Dinosaur costume. Despite I-Man's strength, Bill Stokes is able to cut off the ring, with the numbers letting the two get the better of the robot. A six-shooter ALMOST picks up the win. Beelzebozo uses a staple gun to patch up his midsection, then goes after Dinosaur Bones again - the two brawling on the floor. In a one on one situation, Balan shakes off a western lariat, and then finishes the old cowboy off with a BUELLER OVERDRIVE.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: ***
Post-Match: Beelzebozo and Dinosaur Bones continue to brawl around ringside, as officials try to pull them apart--- since the next stage of the gauntlet has already begun.
Match 3
Funny Business <c> vs. Bombastic Bros
Our Bombastic Bros are Super Fly Boy and JOLT Cola Lad being managed by Spud Boy. The fraternity members hit fast, doing a lot of high spots with chairs - taking I-man apart while Beelzebozo is still occupied with Dinosaur Bones. By the time the officials are able to break them apart, and Buster Friendly makes his way back, I-Man makes his own save - INDUSTRIAL POLLUTION sends JOLT Cola Lad into the sixth row of the audience! INDUSTRIAL POLLUTION sends the MUCH LARGER Spud Boy crashing after him. Super Fly Boy goes up top, and is caught for the space skyscraper drop for the three count.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: Balan and Friendly exchange words, trying to get back on the same page where their interrupted by some Canadians----
Match 4
Funny Business <c> vs. The Hog Line Mounties
More frustrated than anything, I-Man tosses one, while Beelzebozo gets a quick win with the Knock 'em Dead!
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: SQUASH
Match 5
Funny Business <c> vs. The Hired Help
The champions try to get a breather, but are immediately jumped by Handy Andy and Heaven's Pool Cleaner. Despite only being thrown together based on their working class gimmicks, Andy & Cleaner have a similar look, and throw their weight around nicely. This was a surprisingly spirited tag team match, with the champions starting to show fatigue, while Hired Help's manager HERBICIDE distracts the referee enough to really drag the match out. The staples in Beelzebozo's stomach rip out, and he starts bleeding again for what ends up being a very long encounter. Eventually Beelzebozo grabs Herbicide's hedge clippers and stabs Pool Cleaner with them for a three count.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: **1/4
Post-Match: Beelzebozo starts to use super glue to patch himself up, Balan is bleeding as well, though covers himself in enough motor oil to rock kayfabe.
Match 6
Funny Business vs. The Terrors of Transport
The Terrors come in on Deadwood Dick's horse drawn carriage. I-man LAUNCHES an exhausted Beelzebozo at the carriage, with Friendly taking out Dick Jones and Rajiv Khan with a double closeline. Khan falls to the floor, while Buster continues to assault Deadwood. The Industrial Man brings Rajiv Khan into the ring, putting the boots to him before getting a near fall with a Mechanized closeline. Outside, Friendly BACKDROPS Deadwood onto the carriage which spooks the horses. As the carriage runs off, Beelzebozo whips Jones into the steps a few times. In the ring, Khan comes back with a running knee off the ropes, then hits a moonsault for a 2 count. A top rope legdrop almost gets 3. Seeing his ride getting beat on the outside, Khan then charges through the ropes with a suicide dive that drives Beelzebozo into the guardrail. Deadwood & Khan nail THE DRIVE BY on the concrete floor. Beelzebozo is laid out on a table by Deadwood, as Khan hits a 450 splash off the top rope through it. Beelzebozo looks dead. They toss the clown into the ring, then go to work on I-Man with multiple ON THE METERS ---- and I swear that the International Champion looks dead. The third on the meter gets a near fall, so they start to go for a DRIVE BY in the ring... only as they get I-Man, Beelzebozo manages to put Deadwood in the Whisky Lullaby... all three men come crashing to the floor, with Jones choked out in quick order.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: **
Post-Match: That was a much closer contest than it had any right to be. As we approach the hour mark, the champions are starting to look completely spent. How many more tag teams are in this gauntlet?
Match 7
Funny Business <c> vs. The Kelly Gang vs. Team SHOW ME
The nondescript midwest workers seem like the weakest link, which is also apparently to the hometown favourites in the Kelly Gang. Even though its a three-way-dance, most of the contest is Funny Business desperately trying to keep the Kangaroo Killer Shaw from pinning one of the Show Me brothers. This is another lengthy grind, just exhausting the champions. Eventually Mouse Spider Mask hits a Senton bomb on Anderson, only to have Buster pulls his mask off. While Mouse Spider tries to recover his face, Buster leans in a Super Punch for the three count.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: *1/2 - it was energetic, but way too much time for guys as one dimensional as the Kellys and ME.
Match 8
Funny Business <c> vs. UnNatural Disasters vs. Public Domain Players vs. Media Collection
The four-way-dance turns into a six on two handicap match, with each champion getting triple teamed. I-Man attempts to use throws to bump opposite teams into one another to sow seeds of contention, but these groups have definitely been given orders to work together. Its mostly strikes, and not pretty. Eventually I-man covers up Beelzebozo, taking a massive beating so the clown can find an opportunity. Grabbing Public Domain Tarzan by the ankle, Buster Friendly starts swinging the lapsed literary copyright around by the leg. Using Tarzan as a club, Friendly manages to beat back the competition. A completely battered I-Man then takes out Super Hacayan with an Industrial Music Shuffle.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: * (ULTRA VIOLENT lengthy beating but no substance)
Post-Match: The officials cart off the challengers, while the champions stare face up at the lights, barely able to breath.
Match 9
Funny Business <c> vs. R & B Express
Rufus R. Jones & Lamont Washington pick up the prone Beelzebozo and hit him with The SHAFT... which almost gets a 3 count, only for the barely breathing I-man to break the pin, again, on his back. Lamont Washington then pulls I-Man into a SCREAM BLACKULA SCREAM... the guy next to me is VERY knowledgeable about these moves names. This almost gets a 3 count. Funny Business is just DEAD. Jones then goes up top for The Superfly, but I-man pulls Washington into it, then pulls him down into a small package for three.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: SQUASH
Post-Match: Waiting for the next team to attack them, I-Man plugs his charger into a near by electrical socket to HULK UP... while Buster tries to use Rufus for a blood a transfusion.
Match 10
Funny Business <c> vs. The FlatEarthers
I don't know how that blood transfusion worked, but Funny Business seems to have found their second wind. One of the better rounded teams on the Backyard roster, the FlatEarthers BRING IT, for a back and forth encounter that actually feels like a technical display, except for the fact that the champs look like hamburger. There is a real feeling that this is the climax of the gauntlet, as Funny Business finish strong with an incredibly spiked piledriver on the FlatEarth Warrior.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: ***
Post-Match: The champions celebrate in the ring, as the crowd lose their shit for this magnificent performance....... then die.
Match 11
Funny Business <c> vs. Luau Mafia
Getting frustrated with the endless array of Backyard tag teams - which make me really think that SWAT should just give up on tag teams and leave it to this region - Funny Business decide to meet the Mafia halfway down the aisle. A wild brawl ensues with Balan & Friendly tossing Magnum LM & TC 2000 all over the ringside area; even stiffing their manager Master Higgins with one of his ludicrous pineapple weapons. When the Mafia look as bruised as the champions, Iman throws TC 2000 into the ring, and Buster finishes him off with The Punchline.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: **3/4
Post-Match: Master Higgins throws a boomerang at the champions, but it comes back at him!
Match 12
Funny Business vs. The HOLY WEAPONS
You would think the opening benediction sequence, in which the Weapons pray for the crowds soul would give the champions a breather, but at this point, every minute counts. Entering the second hour of the gauntlet, Funny Business are once again starting to waiver. I-Man and TESTAMENT start things off with a test of strength, which I-Man would normally win hands down; but his titanium frame is overpowered by the hooded religious figure. An OPEN WAY palm strike gets a 2 count. A Nirvana Connection almost makes it 3. TESTAMENT works over the square of I-Man's back, eventually jack knife powerbombing him into the corner post, before tagging in SACRIFICE. Balan tries to shake off the smaller Weapon, make a fast tag out, only to get dragged into a series of chain wrestling sequences. The final flurries of counter moves sees SACRIFICE tag TESTAMENT back in, who promptly levels Balan with a CROSS TO BEAR. 2.9. Double dropkick. Double elbow. SACRIFICE tags back in, and locks in THE CONFESSIONAL, but Buster Friendly breaks it up. After dismantling the machine for a good ten minutes, Balan is able to counter a Signs of the Vigilant into a neck breaker, then makes a hot tag. Buster comes in strong with a flurry of low blows, before falling victim to a series of devastating LAST RITES elbow smashes. The champions are just getting destroyed. I'd heard good things about the Holy Weapons, but them praying for my soul kind of rubbed me the wrong way, so I can't say anything positive about them. Just when it looks like Holy Weapons are going to be the new champions, Balan breaks up an attempt at the HOLY ORDERS with a CMW Special; putting Buster on top for a cover, while EATING a series of TESTAMENT open way palm strikes to protect the cover.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: ****
Post-Match: The Holy Weapons attempt to go through their post match ritual, lighting incense and chanting in latin; but the referees try to get them out of their quickly. There can't be anyone left back there to drag out... the crowd are none to pleased with Viper's douche British ringers.
Match 13
Funny Business <c> vs. The Dirty Rotten Gentlemen
The Gentlemen can beat Funny Business when they're fresh, but after almost three hours of a nonstop beating? This isn't even sporting. "Handsome" Henry Auster finds a series of ways to choke Beelzebozo, while striking poses that distract the referee. Henry's fanbase The Love Sick Dummies, toss him different weapons; which he uses to carve a pound of flesh while his partner "The Perfect Gentlemen" Edgar Caspian distracts the ref. Having enough of this, Attila Balan goes after Caspian out on the floor, only for Edgar to use his valet Reena as a human shield, then pose for the camera: "That's no way to treat a lady!" Massive heel heat. I-Man looks troubled by the hit his public image will take having manhandled a female humanoid. He becomes so upset that steam starts shooting out of his ears. In the ring, Beelzebozo manages to get a left jab in, and upset his gorgeous looks are going to be ruined, Henry tags out to Caspian. The Perfect Gentlemen takes Beelzebozo apart with complex technical moves, even managing to counter as Friendly attempts to spit diseased blood at him. Caspian works the arm hard, stretching it, and generally weakening it to give Viper an easy target on the OTHER show of the day. Turtle Press gets 2. Beautiful Manners hits - but before it can get a three count, Attila Balan hits the ring... dressed as a pirate.
The crowd lose their shit for CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.
Using his sword to clear the ring, the robot that now thinks he's a pirate proceeds to shake down the referee, taking Skip Tracy's gold tooth and some cuffings his dead mother gave him. Arrr. Wrapping his titanium leg in a massive wooden case that looks like a bloated peg, Captain of Industry pins Henry to the canvas - so that he's under the bottom rope suspended halfway out of the ring like a plank... then forces Caspian to walk him. Henry: "NOT THE FACE!" After using his sword to force Caspian to stand on Henry's face, Captain of Industry knocks the gentlemen to the outside - pulling Henry back in with a Long John Silver Bullet! Caspian then drags the Captain out under the ring. Inside, the first mate hits a banana cream pie to the face for the 3 count.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: ***1/2 - CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY 4 LIFE
Post-Match: Captain of Industry decides to enlist both men into his crew, they don't seem to pleased with that, but he does have a musket. (!) Breaking out the rum, Captain of Industry starts to drink with the crowd. Normally Buster Friendly would be concerned about his tag team partner's schizophrenic break - but can't say no to free rum. The festivities only conclude when the Captain notices that someone has made off with his wooden leg.
Match 14
Funny Business <c> vs. ZZ Top
Not far from The Captain is ZORK Nontext who has discovered the peg in one of his fantastic adventures. God only knows what door this wooden shaft will open. Enraged the Captain of Industry starts to chase after the text adventure, only to be jumped by his manager & Zork's partner, Zoran Sainovic. The Mad scientist of Luchian Inc. starts to cross wires in the back of Attila Balan's mainframe. Not wanting the free rum train to end, Buster Friendly races to his partner's aid. Also these two absolutely hate each other. The action eventually returns to ringside with Zork & Attila and Buster & Zoran squaring off. Zoran cuts away at Buster's already gore drenched midsection with a sickle........... they don't seem to be calling DQs in these matches to make them drag out longer........ hitting a major artery buys Zoran enough time away from the clown to finish fixing Balan. The Captain of Industry starts to go for the plank again... only to let Zork drop to the floor. Zoran seems to have fixed the virus, returning The Industrial Man just in time to eat a mechanical closeline.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: ** (short match, all the Zoran/Beelz is ***** though)
Post-Match: A battered Attila Balan thanks Zoran for the quick save, only to have Buster Friendly knock the older man out of the ring with a balloon sledgehammer. Both men are barely standing, but that sledgehammer might be all it takes.
Match 15
Funny Business <c> vs. The LOST SOULS
The Lost Souls are IGA tag legends Moloch & Astaroth. Astaroth has been making a series of guest appearances as an unstoppable monster this season in SWAT Backyard, effectively becoming the region's boogie man. His partner is more mean spirited. The champs are dead on their feet and don't stand a chance, but there is a steely resolve in their eyes to see this through. Balan comes by that naturally. The Lost Souls go to town on Funny Business with some Michigan levels of STIFF shit. Much neck dropping. Beelzebozo looks like he's broken his at one point, which forces Balan to pick up the punching bag slack. No pitfalls are attempted, they just take them apart. After twenty minutes of this vicious beating, ANTHONY ALRED stands up in the audience and gives the Lost Souls a thumbs up. Moloch & Astaroth exchange glances before falling to the canvas, and dragging their opponents on top of them!
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: **** until the finish **1/2
Post-Match: The Lost Souls jump back up and leave the ring. Funny Business are unconscious. A fixed wrestling match. Now I've seen everything.
Match 16
Funny Business <c> vs. The Baby Eating Dingos
Crowd on FIRE for the team of Foster's Beer Man and MAD MAX Nolan. The feeling is that ANYONE could beat Funny Business at this point, and while we LOVE Attila Balan, and grudgingly respect the heart that Beelzebozo has shown tonight... if anyone was going to beat them we're glad its the local boys! Fosters hands out free beer. Nice one, mate. Since the Lost Souls did all the work, the pin should be academic. Yet as our boys enter the ring, Balan hits a double ace breaker before collapsing from fluid loss. The impact of the ace breaker sends Nolan crashing onto Beelzebozo, which almost gets a 3 count, but Buster manages to get a shoulder up. Half pinned to the canvas, and blinded by the blood, Buster is working on sheer instinct when he pulls an arm around Nolan for the whisky sleeper. Foster's Beer Man goes to make the save, but Balan grabs his foot to hold him back.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: DUD
Post-match: The crowd boo the Babe Eaters losing for a few seconds, but with all that poppycock beer pandering, it was their match to lose. There is eventually a slow clap for the champions who've made it through this hellacious nigh-----
The BEEF: WAAAAAAASSSSSSSSUP?!
Match 17
Funny Business <c> vs. The Samoan HIT Parade
The lengthy Samoan entrance - set to the tune of the Humpty Dance out of DJ Tooki's boom box, give the champions a few moments to catch their breath. The BEEF starts things off with a Wild Samoan Splash, but as he drives I-Man into the corner, Beelzebozo hits a clown shoe spinheel kick from the apron... BEEF falls over with I-Man crashing on top of him for a 2 count. I-Man puts BEEF into an STF, but DJ Tooki breaks it up with a spinning leg drop. BEEF tags out, and Tooki comes in with a springboard diving headset for 2. Uranage sets up a COMINGATCHA which almost gets 3, before Buster Friendly breaks it with an elbowsmash. The BEEF knocks Buster out of the ring with a hip attack. Double neck breaker. Tooki goes for a SMOOTH Walker, but Balan lands on his feet - knocking Tooki down with a standing sidekick, before tagging out. Buster starts to go for the CLOWN CAR CRASH on DJ, but BEEF charges in, so Buster sidesteps a splash, then irish whips BEEF into DJ - hitting the Clown Car Crash on both of them. I-man uses a headlock to drag BEEF out of the ring, while Buster hits The Punchline on the legal man for 2.9. Buster then goes for the whisky lullaby, but DJ Tooki sentons him for a 2 count. SMOOTH Walker hits for 2.999999. The BEEF distracts the referee with a series of well timed WAAAAAASUPS while Tooki takes the battered Beelzebozo apart with repeater Samoan spikes. Quick tag. BEEF nails DA HITS. 2.99999999. REPLAY DA HITS. Quick Tag. Tooki grabs Beelzebozo's leg, yanking back on a Stump Puller. Beelzebozo looks ready to give up, but passes out from the pain. I-Man saves his partner with a mechanized closeline to the back of Tooki's head. Grabbing the unconscious Beelzebozo and dragging him to the corner to tag himself in. By the time I-Man has rejoined the action, BEEF has charged him with a HOOTIE HOO for 2. I-Man fights back with CWM Special, but Tooki makes the save. INDUSTRIAL POLLUTION sends Tooki to the floor, as Balan hits BEEF with a DATA SYNCHRONIZATION! This almost gets the three count. Balan then locks on the PROGRESS LOCK and the match is as good as over. While the referee is checking on BEEF to see if he can interpret "wasssup" as "I quit," from the outside Tooki NAILS Attila with the boom blaster. Metal pieces fly everywhere. The crowd dies. BEEF slowly recovers, making a pinfall for 2.999---hand in the ropes! Major pop! They're still in this! STRAIGHT UP hits for another near fall! Was UP attempt is then countered into an inside cradle which gets 2 before DJ Tooki breaks it up with a Hustle Flow. The BEEF nails a WORD TO YOUR MOTHER for 2, then tags Tooki back in. RAISE THE ROOF gets 2.999999. A SPIKED RAISE THE ROOF gets 2.99999999999999999999. I-man is non-functioning as DJ TOOKI drills him with the CHECK IT. A barely conscious Beelzebozo tries to crawl in to make the save, but he's too damned exhausted. 3!
Winners and NEW TWINSTAR CHAMPIONS: The Samoan HIT Parade
Rating: ****
Post-Match: Paramedics check on Funny Business, while the Samoan HIT Parade invite all the audience to celebrate with them. Drinks magically appear. The Boom Box is no longer broken, and rocking hard. A huge celebration. SHP call their best friend Daniel Collins to come out of the back and join their wild party, but Daniel Collins doesn't play that game.
Match 18
Samoan HIT Parade <c> vs. Team HOMAGE
Freddieberry and TREE come out of the back as the next challengers, but there are two many HIT Parade marks celebrating in the aisle for them to get down to the ring. The match seems to get thrown out, but its nice to know that the gauntlet was suppose to continue and not just screw over Funny Business...... which is certainly how it played out.
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly has been hooked up to oxygen, as Funny Business are both stretchered out. The bulk of the crowd that aren't being distracted by hard liquor and 90s rap give the two men a standing ovation. It was an incredibly effort. SWAT's premier tag team finally being given their first loss since becoming a team... and it only took 40 men to do it.
With the REAL Anzac Cup starting in 3 hours, it will be interesting to see what the International and ACW champions still have left in the tank.
...As the stretchers get up to the entrance way, Better Than Sex decide to assault their main competition with chairs. Insult to injury.
Despite the reason for the match, this is the first Backyard show thats recommended.
-Jocko
ANZAC CUP "THE REST OF THE STORY"
FROM QUDOS BANK ARENA
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA
5/9/18
Looking forwards to a night of SWAT action at The Q, only to discover that the main SWAT show is going on later in the afternoon at the much smaller Rod Laver venue. Crikey.
Before the show starts there is a really annoying child who has found his way from the audience into the ring, and is running around like an idiot. The kid might be three. He eventually stumbles, crying as he scrapes his knee. Like sharks smelling blood in the water, this brings out the team of Better Than Sex.
SWAT U-10 Title
Spike Nelson <c> (w/Vile "Vince" Viper) vs. Etienne [3]
The Under 10 champion (a thirty something born on a leap year) quickly covers the small child 1... 2... 3!!! What a successful defence.
Winner: Spike Nelson
Rating: -***
Post-Match: "La Hire" Jean Pierre Celine jumps over the guardrail from the audience, livid that his son has been used as a prop on this horrible show. Not wanting to see any real action before the Anzac Cup, Viper and Spike beg off, running away while being chased by the irate frenchman.
Roxy vs. Bad Boy Briggs
The Fraternity come down with Bad Boy, yelling all manner of crude joke at Roxy's expense. The audience is firmly with the Frats on this; happy to watch Roxy move around in scantily clad outfits, but enjoying a sexist joke as much as the next man. It makes for an uncomfortable viewing dynamic. One of Spud Boy's yarns goes a bit too far, bringing out the feminist warrior in Roxy - who HIGH KICKS Bad Boy so hard in the mouth it takes a few teeth out. The academic pin on their bloody alpha male shocks the boys, who look ready for revenge.
Winner: Roxy
Rating: **
Post-Match: The Fraternity start to charge the ring - both FireRed Ninja & Flogging Dead Horses eating cartwheel kicks for their troubles, before the crowd POPS HARD for Daniel Collins coming out... before the Roxy attack can continue...
Daniel Collins vs Victoria Bitter Boy
VICTORIA BITTER BOY IS CONSIDERED A NATIONAL TREASURE. That said, Daniel Collins crushes him like a bug. A running elbow forces Victoria into the corner, setting up a tornado DDT - this gets a near fall, but Spud Boy distracts the referee. Roxy pulls Spud off the apron, sending him crashing through the spanish announce table... which is odd, because I didn't think SWAT B had a tv deal. The rest of the frat boys on the outside start to come after Roxy for this, but Daniel Collins takes them out with the Darkforce to the outside. Getting back into the ring, Collins breaks an inside cradle attempt by Victoria, before finishing things with the Phoenix Breaker.
Winner: Daniel Collins
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: The Frat boys lick their wounds - possibly on a dare, while Collins and Roxy exchange looks. You could cut the sexual tension with a spoon! I hope Timeless wins the Anzac for prioritizing it over appearing in Backyard.
International Title Match
"The Industrial Man" Attila Balan <c> vs. BRUNO
Two of SWAT's legit tough guys just throw power moves at each other. Bruno has been around SWAT so long, its rare to see him in a contender capacity these days, but based on his Backyard run has to be considered a legit threat to the title. He has been running strong all season feuding with the sketchy monster characters. Given Viper's hatred for the KGB, I can only assume that Bruno has been put in there to REALLY injure Balan before the Anzac Cup starts. After a good ten minutes of hard hitting action, HEATHERS and the Homage Army run in drawing a no contest.
Winner: No Contest
Rating: *** until the finish, which will make it *
Post-Match: I-Man and Bruno work together to clear house, both men having a hard time getting the TREE from Poltergeist off his feet before hitting a double closeline to send him over the top rope. BRUNO chases Heathers into the back, leaving Industrial man in the ring.
The Industrial Man announces that the MAIN SHOW is over at Rod Laver arena, but tickets are still available. The crowd starts leaving on mass, when Triple V comes out, getting into it with the robot. He still has more titles to defend! Attila Balan & Buster Friendly are focusing on winning the Anzac Cup, and realizing that Viper just wants to tire them out for the tournament, won't be jumping through the usual backyard hoops.
VVV: "That's too bad... because this afternoon you'll be defending the SSSWAT TWINSSSTAR TITLES in a GAUNTLET MATCH!"
IMAN: We are not going to let you exhaust us before the tournament starts.
VVV: Ssspike already wrestled tonight! I'm not asking anything from you I didn't ask from my own grandson... what a prima donna.
GAUNTLET for the SWAT Twinstar Titles
Match 1
Funny Business <c> vs. The *NEW* Arizona Assassins
Balan & Friendly stand on the apron debating whether or not they should be participating in this match. They are the sure fire bets to win the Anzac Cup, and this is OBVIOUSLY just Viper devising ways to weaken their chances. On the other hand they don't want to forfeit their current gold. The referee is giving them the world's slowest ten count to get down to the ring.
They agree to call it quits and go after the Anzac...
...Only Buster charges down to beat the count. I can't tell the Assassins apart, but apparently these ones are different than the ones Funny Business already defended the titles against 20 times. Buster does a good job of swinging his bag of tricks like a mace, while Balan watches everything from the apron, hoping to get the show over with quickly. Eventually Assassin #T7 hits a delirium trigger, and the masked men start to double team the hell out of the ACW champion. Seeing his partner in peril, I-Man charges down to the ring, closelines for everyone. Despite the onslaught, the Assassins keep switching with fresh masked members of their organization that are hiding under the ring. There must have been 10 minutes of Balan decapitating people. When Buster realizes that they're treating the area under the canvas like a clown car, he LOSES HIS SHIT, and finishes off Assassin #3910 with a clown shoe yakuza kick.
Winners: FUNNY BUSINESS
Rating: **
Post-Match: Watching the thirty assassins crawl out from under the ring, Balan suggests that the deck is really stacked against them, and no good can come from remaining in the contest. Buster agrees and the two start to exit the arena...
Match 2
Funny Business <c> vs. Extinction Connection
The second tag team is Dinosaur Bones and Bill Stokes, who are going to be AWESOME at the real ANZAC Cup. Hearing Bones name mentioned, Buster continues to rage out like a performer with substantially more muscles. Apparently Beelzebozo has traumatic memories around the time Barney became popular, and children's parties exclusively featured purple dinosaurs, leaving thousands of birthday clowns destitute. Also VVV has been claiming that Bones beat Beelzebozo to justify title matches. The robot tries to appeal to the clown's sense of reason, but thinks that even attempting it might be the result of a virus. Before I-Man can stop him, Beelzebozo is chopping the shit out of Dinosaur Bones, who returns them with his tiny T-rex arms. Friendly tries to go for the knee slapper, but Tumbleweed ties him up with a lasso. While Buster is trying to free himself, The Dread Lord Dinosaur Bones BITES HIM IN HALF!!! Despite the fact that this is mostly red streamers to mime evisceration, Friendly is actually bleeding rather profusely. Dinosaur Bones continues to dominate the champ with SHARP tail strikes, before a vicious swipe sends Buster to a protective tag. I-man comes in, and his metal frame makes Dinosaurs' sharp teeth useless. The CLAMPS come out, only to have the Skeleton rip out of the Dinosaur costume. Despite I-Man's strength, Bill Stokes is able to cut off the ring, with the numbers letting the two get the better of the robot. A six-shooter ALMOST picks up the win. Beelzebozo uses a staple gun to patch up his midsection, then goes after Dinosaur Bones again - the two brawling on the floor. In a one on one situation, Balan shakes off a western lariat, and then finishes the old cowboy off with a BUELLER OVERDRIVE.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: ***
Post-Match: Beelzebozo and Dinosaur Bones continue to brawl around ringside, as officials try to pull them apart--- since the next stage of the gauntlet has already begun.
Match 3
Funny Business <c> vs. Bombastic Bros
Our Bombastic Bros are Super Fly Boy and JOLT Cola Lad being managed by Spud Boy. The fraternity members hit fast, doing a lot of high spots with chairs - taking I-man apart while Beelzebozo is still occupied with Dinosaur Bones. By the time the officials are able to break them apart, and Buster Friendly makes his way back, I-Man makes his own save - INDUSTRIAL POLLUTION sends JOLT Cola Lad into the sixth row of the audience! INDUSTRIAL POLLUTION sends the MUCH LARGER Spud Boy crashing after him. Super Fly Boy goes up top, and is caught for the space skyscraper drop for the three count.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: Balan and Friendly exchange words, trying to get back on the same page where their interrupted by some Canadians----
Match 4
Funny Business <c> vs. The Hog Line Mounties
More frustrated than anything, I-Man tosses one, while Beelzebozo gets a quick win with the Knock 'em Dead!
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: SQUASH
Match 5
Funny Business <c> vs. The Hired Help
The champions try to get a breather, but are immediately jumped by Handy Andy and Heaven's Pool Cleaner. Despite only being thrown together based on their working class gimmicks, Andy & Cleaner have a similar look, and throw their weight around nicely. This was a surprisingly spirited tag team match, with the champions starting to show fatigue, while Hired Help's manager HERBICIDE distracts the referee enough to really drag the match out. The staples in Beelzebozo's stomach rip out, and he starts bleeding again for what ends up being a very long encounter. Eventually Beelzebozo grabs Herbicide's hedge clippers and stabs Pool Cleaner with them for a three count.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: **1/4
Post-Match: Beelzebozo starts to use super glue to patch himself up, Balan is bleeding as well, though covers himself in enough motor oil to rock kayfabe.
Match 6
Funny Business vs. The Terrors of Transport
The Terrors come in on Deadwood Dick's horse drawn carriage. I-man LAUNCHES an exhausted Beelzebozo at the carriage, with Friendly taking out Dick Jones and Rajiv Khan with a double closeline. Khan falls to the floor, while Buster continues to assault Deadwood. The Industrial Man brings Rajiv Khan into the ring, putting the boots to him before getting a near fall with a Mechanized closeline. Outside, Friendly BACKDROPS Deadwood onto the carriage which spooks the horses. As the carriage runs off, Beelzebozo whips Jones into the steps a few times. In the ring, Khan comes back with a running knee off the ropes, then hits a moonsault for a 2 count. A top rope legdrop almost gets 3. Seeing his ride getting beat on the outside, Khan then charges through the ropes with a suicide dive that drives Beelzebozo into the guardrail. Deadwood & Khan nail THE DRIVE BY on the concrete floor. Beelzebozo is laid out on a table by Deadwood, as Khan hits a 450 splash off the top rope through it. Beelzebozo looks dead. They toss the clown into the ring, then go to work on I-Man with multiple ON THE METERS ---- and I swear that the International Champion looks dead. The third on the meter gets a near fall, so they start to go for a DRIVE BY in the ring... only as they get I-Man, Beelzebozo manages to put Deadwood in the Whisky Lullaby... all three men come crashing to the floor, with Jones choked out in quick order.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: **
Post-Match: That was a much closer contest than it had any right to be. As we approach the hour mark, the champions are starting to look completely spent. How many more tag teams are in this gauntlet?
Match 7
Funny Business <c> vs. The Kelly Gang vs. Team SHOW ME
The nondescript midwest workers seem like the weakest link, which is also apparently to the hometown favourites in the Kelly Gang. Even though its a three-way-dance, most of the contest is Funny Business desperately trying to keep the Kangaroo Killer Shaw from pinning one of the Show Me brothers. This is another lengthy grind, just exhausting the champions. Eventually Mouse Spider Mask hits a Senton bomb on Anderson, only to have Buster pulls his mask off. While Mouse Spider tries to recover his face, Buster leans in a Super Punch for the three count.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: *1/2 - it was energetic, but way too much time for guys as one dimensional as the Kellys and ME.
Match 8
Funny Business <c> vs. UnNatural Disasters vs. Public Domain Players vs. Media Collection
The four-way-dance turns into a six on two handicap match, with each champion getting triple teamed. I-Man attempts to use throws to bump opposite teams into one another to sow seeds of contention, but these groups have definitely been given orders to work together. Its mostly strikes, and not pretty. Eventually I-man covers up Beelzebozo, taking a massive beating so the clown can find an opportunity. Grabbing Public Domain Tarzan by the ankle, Buster Friendly starts swinging the lapsed literary copyright around by the leg. Using Tarzan as a club, Friendly manages to beat back the competition. A completely battered I-Man then takes out Super Hacayan with an Industrial Music Shuffle.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: * (ULTRA VIOLENT lengthy beating but no substance)
Post-Match: The officials cart off the challengers, while the champions stare face up at the lights, barely able to breath.
Match 9
Funny Business <c> vs. R & B Express
Rufus R. Jones & Lamont Washington pick up the prone Beelzebozo and hit him with The SHAFT... which almost gets a 3 count, only for the barely breathing I-man to break the pin, again, on his back. Lamont Washington then pulls I-Man into a SCREAM BLACKULA SCREAM... the guy next to me is VERY knowledgeable about these moves names. This almost gets a 3 count. Funny Business is just DEAD. Jones then goes up top for The Superfly, but I-man pulls Washington into it, then pulls him down into a small package for three.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: SQUASH
Post-Match: Waiting for the next team to attack them, I-Man plugs his charger into a near by electrical socket to HULK UP... while Buster tries to use Rufus for a blood a transfusion.
Match 10
Funny Business <c> vs. The FlatEarthers
I don't know how that blood transfusion worked, but Funny Business seems to have found their second wind. One of the better rounded teams on the Backyard roster, the FlatEarthers BRING IT, for a back and forth encounter that actually feels like a technical display, except for the fact that the champs look like hamburger. There is a real feeling that this is the climax of the gauntlet, as Funny Business finish strong with an incredibly spiked piledriver on the FlatEarth Warrior.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: ***
Post-Match: The champions celebrate in the ring, as the crowd lose their shit for this magnificent performance....... then die.
Match 11
Funny Business <c> vs. Luau Mafia
Getting frustrated with the endless array of Backyard tag teams - which make me really think that SWAT should just give up on tag teams and leave it to this region - Funny Business decide to meet the Mafia halfway down the aisle. A wild brawl ensues with Balan & Friendly tossing Magnum LM & TC 2000 all over the ringside area; even stiffing their manager Master Higgins with one of his ludicrous pineapple weapons. When the Mafia look as bruised as the champions, Iman throws TC 2000 into the ring, and Buster finishes him off with The Punchline.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: **3/4
Post-Match: Master Higgins throws a boomerang at the champions, but it comes back at him!
Match 12
Funny Business vs. The HOLY WEAPONS
You would think the opening benediction sequence, in which the Weapons pray for the crowds soul would give the champions a breather, but at this point, every minute counts. Entering the second hour of the gauntlet, Funny Business are once again starting to waiver. I-Man and TESTAMENT start things off with a test of strength, which I-Man would normally win hands down; but his titanium frame is overpowered by the hooded religious figure. An OPEN WAY palm strike gets a 2 count. A Nirvana Connection almost makes it 3. TESTAMENT works over the square of I-Man's back, eventually jack knife powerbombing him into the corner post, before tagging in SACRIFICE. Balan tries to shake off the smaller Weapon, make a fast tag out, only to get dragged into a series of chain wrestling sequences. The final flurries of counter moves sees SACRIFICE tag TESTAMENT back in, who promptly levels Balan with a CROSS TO BEAR. 2.9. Double dropkick. Double elbow. SACRIFICE tags back in, and locks in THE CONFESSIONAL, but Buster Friendly breaks it up. After dismantling the machine for a good ten minutes, Balan is able to counter a Signs of the Vigilant into a neck breaker, then makes a hot tag. Buster comes in strong with a flurry of low blows, before falling victim to a series of devastating LAST RITES elbow smashes. The champions are just getting destroyed. I'd heard good things about the Holy Weapons, but them praying for my soul kind of rubbed me the wrong way, so I can't say anything positive about them. Just when it looks like Holy Weapons are going to be the new champions, Balan breaks up an attempt at the HOLY ORDERS with a CMW Special; putting Buster on top for a cover, while EATING a series of TESTAMENT open way palm strikes to protect the cover.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: ****
Post-Match: The Holy Weapons attempt to go through their post match ritual, lighting incense and chanting in latin; but the referees try to get them out of their quickly. There can't be anyone left back there to drag out... the crowd are none to pleased with Viper's douche British ringers.
Match 13
Funny Business <c> vs. The Dirty Rotten Gentlemen
The Gentlemen can beat Funny Business when they're fresh, but after almost three hours of a nonstop beating? This isn't even sporting. "Handsome" Henry Auster finds a series of ways to choke Beelzebozo, while striking poses that distract the referee. Henry's fanbase The Love Sick Dummies, toss him different weapons; which he uses to carve a pound of flesh while his partner "The Perfect Gentlemen" Edgar Caspian distracts the ref. Having enough of this, Attila Balan goes after Caspian out on the floor, only for Edgar to use his valet Reena as a human shield, then pose for the camera: "That's no way to treat a lady!" Massive heel heat. I-Man looks troubled by the hit his public image will take having manhandled a female humanoid. He becomes so upset that steam starts shooting out of his ears. In the ring, Beelzebozo manages to get a left jab in, and upset his gorgeous looks are going to be ruined, Henry tags out to Caspian. The Perfect Gentlemen takes Beelzebozo apart with complex technical moves, even managing to counter as Friendly attempts to spit diseased blood at him. Caspian works the arm hard, stretching it, and generally weakening it to give Viper an easy target on the OTHER show of the day. Turtle Press gets 2. Beautiful Manners hits - but before it can get a three count, Attila Balan hits the ring... dressed as a pirate.
The crowd lose their shit for CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.
Using his sword to clear the ring, the robot that now thinks he's a pirate proceeds to shake down the referee, taking Skip Tracy's gold tooth and some cuffings his dead mother gave him. Arrr. Wrapping his titanium leg in a massive wooden case that looks like a bloated peg, Captain of Industry pins Henry to the canvas - so that he's under the bottom rope suspended halfway out of the ring like a plank... then forces Caspian to walk him. Henry: "NOT THE FACE!" After using his sword to force Caspian to stand on Henry's face, Captain of Industry knocks the gentlemen to the outside - pulling Henry back in with a Long John Silver Bullet! Caspian then drags the Captain out under the ring. Inside, the first mate hits a banana cream pie to the face for the 3 count.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: ***1/2 - CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY 4 LIFE
Post-Match: Captain of Industry decides to enlist both men into his crew, they don't seem to pleased with that, but he does have a musket. (!) Breaking out the rum, Captain of Industry starts to drink with the crowd. Normally Buster Friendly would be concerned about his tag team partner's schizophrenic break - but can't say no to free rum. The festivities only conclude when the Captain notices that someone has made off with his wooden leg.
Match 14
Funny Business <c> vs. ZZ Top
Not far from The Captain is ZORK Nontext who has discovered the peg in one of his fantastic adventures. God only knows what door this wooden shaft will open. Enraged the Captain of Industry starts to chase after the text adventure, only to be jumped by his manager & Zork's partner, Zoran Sainovic. The Mad scientist of Luchian Inc. starts to cross wires in the back of Attila Balan's mainframe. Not wanting the free rum train to end, Buster Friendly races to his partner's aid. Also these two absolutely hate each other. The action eventually returns to ringside with Zork & Attila and Buster & Zoran squaring off. Zoran cuts away at Buster's already gore drenched midsection with a sickle........... they don't seem to be calling DQs in these matches to make them drag out longer........ hitting a major artery buys Zoran enough time away from the clown to finish fixing Balan. The Captain of Industry starts to go for the plank again... only to let Zork drop to the floor. Zoran seems to have fixed the virus, returning The Industrial Man just in time to eat a mechanical closeline.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: ** (short match, all the Zoran/Beelz is ***** though)
Post-Match: A battered Attila Balan thanks Zoran for the quick save, only to have Buster Friendly knock the older man out of the ring with a balloon sledgehammer. Both men are barely standing, but that sledgehammer might be all it takes.
Match 15
Funny Business <c> vs. The LOST SOULS
The Lost Souls are IGA tag legends Moloch & Astaroth. Astaroth has been making a series of guest appearances as an unstoppable monster this season in SWAT Backyard, effectively becoming the region's boogie man. His partner is more mean spirited. The champs are dead on their feet and don't stand a chance, but there is a steely resolve in their eyes to see this through. Balan comes by that naturally. The Lost Souls go to town on Funny Business with some Michigan levels of STIFF shit. Much neck dropping. Beelzebozo looks like he's broken his at one point, which forces Balan to pick up the punching bag slack. No pitfalls are attempted, they just take them apart. After twenty minutes of this vicious beating, ANTHONY ALRED stands up in the audience and gives the Lost Souls a thumbs up. Moloch & Astaroth exchange glances before falling to the canvas, and dragging their opponents on top of them!
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: **** until the finish **1/2
Post-Match: The Lost Souls jump back up and leave the ring. Funny Business are unconscious. A fixed wrestling match. Now I've seen everything.
Match 16
Funny Business <c> vs. The Baby Eating Dingos
Crowd on FIRE for the team of Foster's Beer Man and MAD MAX Nolan. The feeling is that ANYONE could beat Funny Business at this point, and while we LOVE Attila Balan, and grudgingly respect the heart that Beelzebozo has shown tonight... if anyone was going to beat them we're glad its the local boys! Fosters hands out free beer. Nice one, mate. Since the Lost Souls did all the work, the pin should be academic. Yet as our boys enter the ring, Balan hits a double ace breaker before collapsing from fluid loss. The impact of the ace breaker sends Nolan crashing onto Beelzebozo, which almost gets a 3 count, but Buster manages to get a shoulder up. Half pinned to the canvas, and blinded by the blood, Buster is working on sheer instinct when he pulls an arm around Nolan for the whisky sleeper. Foster's Beer Man goes to make the save, but Balan grabs his foot to hold him back.
Winners: Funny Business
Rating: DUD
Post-match: The crowd boo the Babe Eaters losing for a few seconds, but with all that poppycock beer pandering, it was their match to lose. There is eventually a slow clap for the champions who've made it through this hellacious nigh-----
The BEEF: WAAAAAAASSSSSSSSUP?!
Match 17
Funny Business <c> vs. The Samoan HIT Parade
The lengthy Samoan entrance - set to the tune of the Humpty Dance out of DJ Tooki's boom box, give the champions a few moments to catch their breath. The BEEF starts things off with a Wild Samoan Splash, but as he drives I-Man into the corner, Beelzebozo hits a clown shoe spinheel kick from the apron... BEEF falls over with I-Man crashing on top of him for a 2 count. I-Man puts BEEF into an STF, but DJ Tooki breaks it up with a spinning leg drop. BEEF tags out, and Tooki comes in with a springboard diving headset for 2. Uranage sets up a COMINGATCHA which almost gets 3, before Buster Friendly breaks it with an elbowsmash. The BEEF knocks Buster out of the ring with a hip attack. Double neck breaker. Tooki goes for a SMOOTH Walker, but Balan lands on his feet - knocking Tooki down with a standing sidekick, before tagging out. Buster starts to go for the CLOWN CAR CRASH on DJ, but BEEF charges in, so Buster sidesteps a splash, then irish whips BEEF into DJ - hitting the Clown Car Crash on both of them. I-man uses a headlock to drag BEEF out of the ring, while Buster hits The Punchline on the legal man for 2.9. Buster then goes for the whisky lullaby, but DJ Tooki sentons him for a 2 count. SMOOTH Walker hits for 2.999999. The BEEF distracts the referee with a series of well timed WAAAAAASUPS while Tooki takes the battered Beelzebozo apart with repeater Samoan spikes. Quick tag. BEEF nails DA HITS. 2.99999999. REPLAY DA HITS. Quick Tag. Tooki grabs Beelzebozo's leg, yanking back on a Stump Puller. Beelzebozo looks ready to give up, but passes out from the pain. I-Man saves his partner with a mechanized closeline to the back of Tooki's head. Grabbing the unconscious Beelzebozo and dragging him to the corner to tag himself in. By the time I-Man has rejoined the action, BEEF has charged him with a HOOTIE HOO for 2. I-Man fights back with CWM Special, but Tooki makes the save. INDUSTRIAL POLLUTION sends Tooki to the floor, as Balan hits BEEF with a DATA SYNCHRONIZATION! This almost gets the three count. Balan then locks on the PROGRESS LOCK and the match is as good as over. While the referee is checking on BEEF to see if he can interpret "wasssup" as "I quit," from the outside Tooki NAILS Attila with the boom blaster. Metal pieces fly everywhere. The crowd dies. BEEF slowly recovers, making a pinfall for 2.999---hand in the ropes! Major pop! They're still in this! STRAIGHT UP hits for another near fall! Was UP attempt is then countered into an inside cradle which gets 2 before DJ Tooki breaks it up with a Hustle Flow. The BEEF nails a WORD TO YOUR MOTHER for 2, then tags Tooki back in. RAISE THE ROOF gets 2.999999. A SPIKED RAISE THE ROOF gets 2.99999999999999999999. I-man is non-functioning as DJ TOOKI drills him with the CHECK IT. A barely conscious Beelzebozo tries to crawl in to make the save, but he's too damned exhausted. 3!
Winners and NEW TWINSTAR CHAMPIONS: The Samoan HIT Parade
Rating: ****
Post-Match: Paramedics check on Funny Business, while the Samoan HIT Parade invite all the audience to celebrate with them. Drinks magically appear. The Boom Box is no longer broken, and rocking hard. A huge celebration. SHP call their best friend Daniel Collins to come out of the back and join their wild party, but Daniel Collins doesn't play that game.
Match 18
Samoan HIT Parade <c> vs. Team HOMAGE
Freddieberry and TREE come out of the back as the next challengers, but there are two many HIT Parade marks celebrating in the aisle for them to get down to the ring. The match seems to get thrown out, but its nice to know that the gauntlet was suppose to continue and not just screw over Funny Business...... which is certainly how it played out.
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly has been hooked up to oxygen, as Funny Business are both stretchered out. The bulk of the crowd that aren't being distracted by hard liquor and 90s rap give the two men a standing ovation. It was an incredibly effort. SWAT's premier tag team finally being given their first loss since becoming a team... and it only took 40 men to do it.
With the REAL Anzac Cup starting in 3 hours, it will be interesting to see what the International and ACW champions still have left in the tank.
...As the stretchers get up to the entrance way, Better Than Sex decide to assault their main competition with chairs. Insult to injury.
Despite the reason for the match, this is the first Backyard show thats recommended.
-Jocko