CLIMAX ~ Better Than Sex VS Funny Business, ANZAC CUP '18 R2
Oct 30, 2020 1:51:25 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer and mosler like this
Post by radu on Oct 30, 2020 1:51:25 GMT -5
JEREMY TUCKER We've reached the second round fans, which kicks off with a pairing that MANY thought would be the finals. In fact, I think we should just declare the winner of this match the Anzac Cup winners, and if they lose it to someone else later in the night so be it.
ANDREW FULTON: The last episode of ACW Turmoil ended with Beelzebozo being betrayed by his manager the Anonymoose - who was revealed to be the grandson of Vile "Vince" Viper, Spike Nelson. Viper and Nelson - Better Than Sex - then proceeded to beat the hell out of the ACW champion, before standing triumphant over the team they are about to meet, Funny Business. ....I don't know if I've said it yet in this broadcast Jeremy, but I'm really glad we only handle the big shows.
JEREMY TUCKER: Definitely bad blood spilling over from Atlantic Coast... and a rematch between the finalists of our 2018 royal rumble. That night Viper came out on top over Funny Business, but can he repeat it this evening?
ANDREW FULTON: Funny Business might have been the favorites to take this tournament, but after that first hellacious match against the KGB? Viper and Nelson are comparatively fresh.
JEREMY TUCKER: It should be noted that Viper FORCED Funny Business to defend their TWINSTAR tag titles 18 times earlier today at a Backyard event... so this is actually there TWENTIETH match of the day for Balan and Friendly.
ANDREW FULTON: Jesus.
JEREMY TUCKER: I don't know how they're still going.
ANDREW FULTON: I meant there still being backyard shows... but the fact that Funny Business can still go after wrestling nineteen times is also DAMN impressive. Are they even human?
JEREMY TUCKER: Well Balan is apparently a robot.
The opening to White Zombie's More Human Than Human starts to pump over the loud speakers, the house lights dimming as a woman moans loudly.
Frank Salazar: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest kicks off the SECOND ROUND of ANZAC ACTION!!!! Entering first...
The moaning quickly stops, a scratching sound cutting to the Teddybear's Cobrastyle, as white fireworks explode from the entranceway. As the house lights come up, there are a dozen exhibitionists in snake body paint on stage contorting around explicitly enough for the pay per view broadcaster to drop SWAT, but managing to cover all the naughty bits up so as to not get this segments designer in trouble. ...suck it.
Frank Salazar: ...christ. Um. Yeah. Please put your hands together in welcoming...
BETTER
THAN
SEX
WITH
VILE VINCE VIPER
AND
SIMPLY AMAZING SPIKE NELSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With the announcement of Better Than Sex, some orange fireworks explode, causing all the snake models to stop their lewd exchanges. Spike Nelson dives through the entrance curtains in sync with a second round of red fire works; while a subdued Vile "Vince" Viper calmly struts out in sync with the music. The snake models prance down the aisle, throwing flower petals at the feet of the greatest tag team of all time.
ANDREW FULTON: That... that was quite the entrance.
JEREMY TUCKER: Just wait for Buster Friendly, he gives a child in the audience a balloon animal then bursts it with his cigar. It's always surprising.
Frank Salazar: And their opponents... entering first...
The lights go out and the opening fanfare of "Entrance of the Gladiators" by Julis Fucik starts to play. After the introduction, before the famous melody can begin, there is the sound of a record scratching, then the maniacal laughter that only an evil clown can produce fills the air. The laughter ends abruptly and there is a second of awkward, uncomfortable silence before "Halloween" (Celldweller remix) cuts through the quiet.
Red lights illuminate the entranceway and their are noticeable fumbling motions behind the curtain before Beelzebozo finally emerges from the back.
His ill-fitting suit looking like he slept in it the last three days, porkpie hat perched precariously on top of his shock of red hair, and lit cigar in his mouth, the Clown From Hell stumbles down the aisle, cursing at women, spitting at men, and threatening to backhand little kids that try to touch him.
His ever-present Sack slung over one hunched shoulder, the bag of mischief bulging from the vile treasures within, Beelzebozo shambles down to the ring.
ANDREW FULTON: Here comes the Atlantic Coast champ----Viper charging at him with a chair! Not waiting for it to get to the ring!
JEREMY TUCKER: Given Viper and Friendly's preference for weapons, it makes sense to do the bulk of the blood letting before the match starts, they don't want to risk a disqualification! FRIENDLY DUCKS THE CHAIRSHOT, AND POUNCES ON VIPER - CHOKING THE OLD MAN OUT ON THE CONCRETE FLOOR!
ANDREW FULTON: Ramming Vile's head into the concrete as he does it, fortunately there are those flower petals to cushion the blow. ...they don't seem to be much of a cushion.
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike trying to come to his grandfather's aid, but Beelzebozo just kicks him off with a BIG ASS clown shoe! The ACW champ's hatred for the Devil of SWAT is... well... scary.
Moving into the danger zone again, Spike places a handcuff on one of Beelzebozo's hands. What the hell is this? Buster Friendly lets go of Viper to slug his former manager, only to have the old man reach up and twist the arm around - handcuffing Beelzebozo's hands behind his back.
ANDREW FULTON: Viper coughing up blood from that vicious assault, but he's managed to handcuff the champion. The Industrial Man had better get out here fast!
Vile "Vince" Viper kicks Buster Friendly off of him, before pulling an iPhone out of his breast pocket. Spike Nelson tries to kick away at Buster, but mostly keeps his distance, as even without arms the clown can still use his teeth to chow on moose. "Strict Machine" by Goldfrapp starts to pump over the PA system.
JEREMY TUCKER: Viper with an iPhone, tries to grab Friendly's head, but Beelzebozo takes a chunk of flesh out of that claw with those rotting teeth of his. Viper with a Satanic strut!!! Here comes Attila Balan out of the back... hurry Balan!!!
ANDREW FULTON: Triple V cueing up... wait he wouldn't... Viper playing a Psychotic Goth promo on his phone, and Spike Nelson duct taping the phone to Beelzebozo's face-----FORCING HIM TO WATCH IT!
Beelzebozo: SWEET JESUS - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Attila Balan catching up with the action takes Viper down with a lariat! The force sending the king of snakes 180 degrees through the air before crashing down on the concrete. Flower petals everywhere!
ANDREW FULTON: Buster Friendly is biting his lip, trying to chew his own face off to get rid of that phone!
JEREMY TUCKER: Balan kicking Viper in the ribs to make sure he's down, then turning to help Buster... but here comes Spike Nelson, springboarding off the guardrail to hurricanrana I-Man onto the concrete!
Beelzebozo: You're killing me!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Beelzebozo stumbling around blindly, ramming his head into the guardrails and floor in an effort to break that iPhone. He doesn't care if the glass from the screen cutd his corneas into a fine paste, he welcomes it! Spike Nelson looks genuinely concerned for his former charge...
Beelzebozo: I QUIT! I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!
ANDREW FULTON: Buster Friendly is tapping out... but the match hasn't started yet! If Better Than Sex had pulled this dangerous stunt inside the ring, they'd be advancing already!
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike Nelson is really conflicted about torturing Friendly this badly...
Vile "Vince" Viper: Hey Spike, we should see how many times we can kick Balan in the crotch in a row before his entrance music endsss!
Strict machine is still playing, and Spike Nelson is easily distracted. Completely forgetting about his friend Buster who recently tried to take his own life after watching MUCH LESS Psychotic Goth action than he is now, Spike gleefully starts kicking away.
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
ANDREW FULTON: It's a good thing the International Champion is made out of metal, or that would DEFINITELY leave a mark.
Beelzebozo: FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Buster Friendly blindly charging down the aisle, stepping on Attila Balan's crotch in the process of running face first into the corner post. He may have knocked himself out. Spike Nelson using the guardrail to hit a moonsault on Balan, while Viper stomps on the International champion's throat. The crowd is not liking this at all.
ANDREW FULTON: They were angry at Balan for beating Soutter earlier, but Viper has made a SWAT career out of doing far worse to the Australian hero. Better Than Sex getting pelted with beer bottles... but just treating this like a fan's bring the weapons match - smashing the glass over The Industrial Man.
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike's attention going back to the sobbing Buster Friendly. I... I have to say... I understand that Friendly had a traumatic feud that explains his current overreaction, but Psychotic Goth is one of our finest wrestlers.
To distract Spike from wanting to help the clown prince of chaos, VVV lifts up Attila Balan, encouraging his grandson to hit the old man's finisher. Bonding, yay!
ANDREW FULTON: Viper has Balan in a full nelson - and here comes Spike with the Satan's Stru--------------Balan leaning forwards pulls Viper into that swaggering eye gouge!
JEREMY TUCKER: That didn't look like Spike even hit the eyes, but Viper is selling it like death for his grandson! The first paternal thing he has EVER done, leading one to wonder if its not just to cover up the weaknesses of having an eye gouge for a finisher. But right now Viper seems more agonized than Beelzebozo...
ANDREW FULTON: Not that he is doing Spike any favors, as Balan takes the kid down with a short arm closeline!
JEREMY TUCKER: The International champion body slamming Spike spine first into the guardrail, before knocking him off it with a double axe handle chop! Viper clearly seeing Spike getting roughed up, NO SELLS his own finisher, charging in to the rescue!
*MASSIVE POP!!!*
JEREMY TUCKER: Attila Balan catching Viper with a SPINEBUSTER ONTO SPIKE! Nelson has been crushed like a bug!
ANDREW FULTON: Better Than Sex left in a pile...
*MASSIVE POP!!!*
JEREMY TUCKER: Attila Balan RIPPING A SLAB OF CONCRETE OUT OF THE FLOOR, and further pinning Better Than Sex to the floor! Spike looks dead.
Beelzebozo: ...the... horror... the... HORROR...
JEREMY TUCKER: Unable to ignore his partner's pleas for assistance, Attila Balan leaving the wreckage to check on Beelzebozo.
Buster Friendly is a bloody mess, his face swollen and bruised, not from the KGB match as much as from bashing it into guardrails trying to break the phone attached to his eyes. A plant in the audience hands Balan the CLAMPS OF DEATH.
ANDREW FULTON: Are those tinfoil covered cardboard...?
JEREMY TUCKER: The robot collecting his metal hands from the audience, USING THEM TO BREAK BEELZEBOZO'S HANDCUFFS!!!
ANDREW FULTON: He'd better hurry, here come Better Than Sex.
Brushing "concrete" off, Viper and Nelson limp up the aisle to the ring - only they try not to limp, as they are hard men who have mastered the art of NO SELLING.
JEREMY TUCKER: Simply Amazing and the King of Snakes trying not to acknowledge the fact that they've had part of the building dropped on them, but they aren't fooling anyone. That had to hurt.
ANDREW FULTON: Balan using those clamps to tear the duct tape off of the ACW champ's face... trying to gently remove the iPhone even as Beelzebozo attempts to claw out his own eyes.
Realizing they won't catch Funny Business in time, Viper and Spike slide into the ring instead. Outside, Balan pulls the iPhone off of Buster Friendly's face - tossing it away. The phone promptly explodes, choosing to take its own life after the horrors it has witnessed.
JEREMY TUCKER: Thank goodness! Attila Balan has rescued his partner...
ANDREW FULTON: Who's been reduced to a quivering mass... his brain turned to jello!
JEREMY TUCKER: And looking up to the ring, finds Better Than Sex w/Vile "Vince" Viper and Spike Nelson - striking a causal pose like they're waiting for him to start the match. Smiling like the cat who caught the canary. This is shaping up to be a handicap match. For the Atlantic Coast champion, the lights are on but there is nobody home.
ANDREW FULTON: Balan is forced to leave his partner - who is drooling on the apron like a vegetable - and take on these dangerous men in a handicap setting. Of course that means that the match is officially underway!
DING~! DING~~!! DING~~~!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Double dropkick to the crotch! Double fishhook. Eww. Balan gasping for air, while referee Horace Gold insists that one of the BTS members leaves the ring. Spike Nelson officially starting things off, and is THROWN halfway across the ring!
Catching himself with the ropes, Simply Amazing seems a little taken aback at the ease with which Balan threw him. Let's try that again.
ANDREW FULTON: Nelson charging in again, but Balan shoves him off, and almost sends the kid flying out of the ring!
JEREMY TUCKER: Third times a char---Spike had to grab the top rope to stay in there after that toss.
*WHISTLE*
From under the ring, VVV has produced a box of Popeye Sweet Crunch cereal! Spike Nelson slaps his hands together in in sheer bliss at this secret weapon! Christmas comes early! Except Vile still owes him a Christmas gift from 1989. An ecstatic Spike turns to point out his good fortune to The Industrial Man, only to realize the machine is moving in for the kill. Desperately needing the cereal to compete with the robot's steel strength, Spike darts over to his corner.
Spike Nelson: Will it have the same magical properties without milk, Grandpa?
Vile "Vince" Viper: Sure Spike. When they test these on rats, I don't think they worry about presentation or making it a well-balanced breakfast. Probably don't even give them a bowl.
Spike Nelson: They LET them use their hands?! Lucky rats.
Spike Nelson rolls out of the corner, narrowly missing an avalanche by The Industrial Man. Realizing that time is of the essence, Simply Amazing rips open the ancient box! With Balan hot on his heels, Spike Nelson runs around the ring, rolling, weaving, and sidestepping as he desperately forces down the dusty cereal.
ANDREW FULTON: This was supposed to be the most epic encounter of the tournament...
JEREMY TUCKER: It is. Spike accidentally inhaling some of the fistfuls of cereal he's shoved into his mouth, and choking on them! He's still desperately trying to run away from The Industrial Man but he's turning blue...
ANDREW FULTON: SPEAR!!!!!!!!!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Balan hitting Spike with such force he almost knocked him out of his damn boots... but he also forced him to cough up that questionable cereal, so he may have saved Spike's life... just in time for a cover...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANDREW FULTON: Spike kicks out, but that may have just been a convulsion from choking again. Pretty sure it wasn't a conscious attempt to keep the match going. He ate that whole box of cereal. Spike Nelson is already a winner in Spike Nelson's mind.
JEREMY TUCKER: Apparently after Better Than Sex broke up at the end of the 2009 Frank Marano Jr memorial, Spike took a sabbatical from wrestling to become a competitive eater.
ANDREW FULTON: Made America great again?
JEREMY TUCKER: Taking that sport seriously, Spike opted to compete on the Korean national team.
ANDREW FULTON: What a sell out. Balan going for the Parallel Computing, but Viper from the apron blinds him with white powder. Probably cocaine. He is obscenely generous with that stuff. Balan having a face full of cocaine should give Spike a chance to breath... uh... digest.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
*MASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIVE POP*
Spike Nelson jumps up to his feet, his forearms have swollen up to three times their normal size.
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike Nelson suffering from some form of extreme edema as a result of consuming that expired cereal.
ANDREW FULTON: But you wouldn't know he was having a serious medical reaction from looking at him... um... from looking at his face. Kid's smiling like he won the lottery.
JEREMY TUCKER: Convinced that corn flour, sugar, brown sugar, and partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil are as good for you as cartoon spinach, Spike Nelson is calling on The Industrial Man for a TEST OF STRENGTH!
ANDREW FULTON: Balan finally getting the powder out of his eyes, doesn't look too happy or buzzed, and I believe he's literally going to rip the bloated arms off that man-child's body.
Vile "Vince" Viper gives Spike the thumbs up.
JEREMY TUCKER: Criminally irresponsible for Viper to put his grandson in this position, but even if the kid is legally {Mongo Edit: Nah we don't say that anymore}, he's a lot sharper than the bulk of our first round participants.
ANDREW FULTON: The Anzac Cup is really turning into the Special Olympics this year. There's the lock-up, and Balan immediately gets the advantage - no - Viper from behind with a razor sharp claw to the kidney!
JEREMY TUCKER: Balan almost blacking out from the pain, which is just what Spike needs to WIN THE TEST OF STRENGTH! Nelson backing Balan into their corner - and Viper choking I-Man from the apron while Spike celebrates like he's the strongest man alive.
SPIKE NELSON <trying to flex his medical emergency>: I AM THE STRONGEST MAN ALIVE!!!
ANDREW FULTON: Viper holding Balan in place as Spike goes to town with a series of grotesquely enlarged Popeye forearm shots. The two men wearing Balan down... now Spike charges in with a pele kick!
JEREMY TUCKER: Balan staggering out of the corner, and Spike off the ropes with a SPRINGBOARD DROPKICK!!! And there's the hook of the leg!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANDREW FULTON: Balan throwing Spike off of him... while Viper tags himself in off the midair-flying Spike.
JEREMY TUCKER: Before Balan can get up, there's a thumb to the throat. Vile peppering down forearm smashes. Spike off the top with a somersault legdrop!!! But its Viper with the cover...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANDREW FULTON: Balan grabs a handful of ropes, so Nelson off the top AGAIN with stomp to the arm! Yup. That'll do it.
JEREMY TUCKER: Balan looks like his arm is broken. While the referee tries to get Spike out, Viper claws the Industrial Man's face, before planting him in the center of the ring with a Tiger Driver. Kneedrop to the back. Now locking on a sharpshooter. Balan nowhere near the ropes, and can't count on Beelzebozo for assistance, as his partner seems to have slipped into a coma...
ANDREW FULTON: From the devastating effects of watching a Psychot---
JEREMY TUCKER: Yes, leave the reason out of it. Referee Horace Gold asking if Balan gives up, but I think Viper will have to break his spine before The Industrial Man gives in!
ANDREW FULTON: That can be arranged.
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike Nelson coming off the top with a summersault kneedrop into Balan's exposed back. Viper hanging onto that sharpshooter, and here comes Nelson with the camel clutch! Just trying to break Balan in half! Gold giving Spike a five count to get out of there.
ANDREW FULTON: Spike exits as Viper lets go of the sharpshooter, only to immediately put on a Boston crab!
JEREMY TUCKER: And having beaten the five count, Spike races back in to throw on a crossface chickenwing! There is Gold with the five count again... 1... 2... 3... 4... Spike gets back out.
ANDREW FULTON: Yeah, because we can't have actual tag moves in our tag tournament.
JEREMY TUCKER: Viper positioning Balan back into their corner with a butterfly suplex, and standing on his throat as he tags Spike back in. Spike comes off the top with a senton... the two men scoop him up for... DOUBLE RELEASE TEXTBOOK SUPLEX!!!!!!!!!
Both men lift Balan up in the air for a standard textbook suplex, then just release it, casually walking away as he falls awkwardly to the canvas. The jeers are massive.
ANDREW FULTON: That was wonderful! Viper out, and Spike calling for the JERSEY DEVIL SPIKE!!! The Industrial Man has taken a lot of abuse, effectively wrestling this contest by himself, and you have to believe that this will put the champions out of the contest.
JEREMY TUCKER: SPIKE GOING UP TOP------------ AND HERE IT IS!!!!!!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
ANDREW FULTON: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: JUST AS SPIKE WAS ABOUT TO HIT THE JERSEY DEVIL - BUSTER FRIENDLY RAN IN, WITH A CLOWN SHOE THRUST KICK TO THE HEAD OF THE MIDAIR SPIKE!!! SPIKE'S JAW COULD BE BROKEN!!!
ANDREW FULTON: HIS JAW IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE POPEYE'S TOO!
JEREMY TUCKER: Viper charging in, but Beelzebozo taking him down with a drop toehold INTO his grandson! Viper jumping back up - and AGAIN taking a toehold that sends him crashing into Spike! The Clown Prince of Chaos mounting the DEVIL of SWAT, and just peppering down with brutal right hands!
ANDREW FULTON: Between making Funny Business wrestle seventeen matches in a row earlier today, right before the tournament started, and turning this into a handicap match with that torturous phone spot, Viper tried to scheme his way to victory - but he's facing the full fury of Friendly! All the nefarious plots in the world aren't going to save him from this beating!
JEREMY TUCKER: Viper a bloody mess, while Gold tries to get the illegal men out of there.
ANDREW FULTON: A barely there Industrial Man managing to get an arm over the legal Spike... HERE WE GO!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike managing to kickout! Though that might have just been his prone body bouncing off the canvas from the force of Viper's head being driven into the mat.
ANDREW FULTON: Viper so covered in blood hes slippery, managing to slither away!
JEREMY TUCKER: NO! Beelzebozo catches him by the snakeskin coat - he's not through with the cheap heat machine! Viper scrambling to get out of there... in such a hurry he leaves half his jacket with Friendly while falling face first on the floor.
ANDREW FULTON: Beelzebozo trying to follow the old man out, but stops to avoid a face full of that deadly black venom.
JEREMY TUCKER: Viper Grabbing a barbwire laced baseball bat out from under the ring to protect himself, while Beelzebozo turns to check on his partner.
ANDREW FULTON: Buster Friendly helping Balan to the corner... for all the epic wars these two have had in SWAT over the past six months, its easy to forget that they were the backyard tag champions that entire time.
JEREMY TUCKER: Only losing for the very first time today, after defeating forty men over the period of three hours. It doesn't look like their will be a second loss this evening, as Friendly tags himself in.
ANDREW FULTON: Buster the legal man, coming face to face with his former manager...
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike offering a handshake... and tasting a hand buzzer for his attempt at good sportsmanship.
Beelzebozo laughs at the former Anonymoose. There is a first time for everything.
JEREMY TUCKER: Now Spike reaching into his boot and pulling out... another iPhone! Beelzebozo looks terrified!
Spike Nelson laughs, made you flinch!
JEREMY TUCKER: A furious Beelzebozo slaps the iPhone out of Spike's hand, pulling him into a side headlock... and he's STILL wearing that hand buzzer.
ANDREW FULTON: Spike shoves him into the ropes, and both men roll back, but Nelson reverses out of that headlock, and shoves Buster's loaded hand into the clown's back!
Beelzebozo howls like goofy.
JEREMY TUCKER: After tasting his own prop-----Buster with a bicycle kick of his own - which really shouldn't work, except that his clown shoes give his reach an extra two feet. The force knocks Spike back into the ropes. Throwing away the hand buzzer, Beelzebozo charges in with a...
ANDREW FULTON: *KNEESLAPPER*
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
JEREMY TUCKER: But the Backyard U-10 champion catches him with the SWEET SHIN MUSIC! Spike still took the bulk of that knee to the groin, but what can you do.
Holding his crotch in agony, Spike Nelson starts to stagger around, while a few feet away Beelzebozo limps around with his pained ankle.
JEREMY FULTON: The two men slowly shuffling towards each other... Beelzebozo with his SUPERMAN PUNCH!!!!!!!! WHILE SPIKE GOES FOR A SUPERKICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOTH CONNECT!
ANDREW FULTON: Spike stumbles back into the ropes, then falls forwards onto Buster for the pin...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Buster shoves Spike off of him, not having had proper time to celebrate his super man punch. Now goes back to celebrating it - but Nelson pulls him into an inside cradle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-----------------------------------------------------------------
ANDREW FULTON: BIG KICKOUT! And Buster immediately takes Spike down with a short arm closeline... the impact of a rolling kneedrop rolls Simply Amazing over, exposing the back for...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
JEREMY TUCKER: WHISKY LULLABY!!!!!!!
ANDREW FULTON: INDUSTRIAL MAN ENTERING THE RING TO CUT VIPER OFF! MAKING SURE THAT VIPER CAN'T MAKE THE SAVE AS SPIKE IS BEING CHOKED WORSE THAN HE DID EARLIER ON THAT CEREAL!!!! THIS IS IT JEREMY!
JEREMY TUCKER: WHISKY LULLABY - AND SPIKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING WITH NOWHERE TO GO!!! ALL VIPER CAN DO IS CURSE FUNNY BUSINESS FROM THE OUTSIDE!!!!
Vile "Vince" Viper: Losssssssssssse something?
TripleV throws a fireball up in the air to get Funny Business attention. He calmly holds up a yellowed envelope.
ANDREW FULTON: What is he playing at?
JEREMY TUCKER: Viper with a microphone from the apron, holding up an envelope. I don't know what it is, but Beelzebozo just let go of the whisky lullaby, and is charging towards him.
VVV shoots another fireball up in the air, this one EXTREMELY close to the ancient letter.
Vile "Vince" Viper: ...Not so fassst. Just because you were careless enough to lose this, doesn't mean I'll do the same.
A camera close-up reveals Buster's name written on the old letter.
JEREMY TUCKER: Our producers have informed me, that THAT is a letter to Buster from his father, never opened, that was stolen from clown prince of chaos' bag of tricks during the Helloween Cup finals by backyard sleaze ZORK Nontext. Everyone involved was hoping that loose plot thread would never come back, but here we are...
Vile Vince Viper: You want it... prove it... <pointing at Balan> take him offline.
*MASSIVE JEERS*
JEREMY TUCKER: UNBELIEVABLE!
ANDREW FULTON: Looks like Viper still has one scheme left up his sleeve.
JEREMY TUCKER: Beelzebozo refusing to attack his partner, spitting at Viper to burn it...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
JEREMY TUCKER: SO ATTILA BALAN SLUGS BUSTER! The Industrial Man knows how important that letter is to his partner, forcing Friendly to act out Viper's malevolent will! What a wonderful mechanical man who is a friend to all but hates nature!!!
Marketing.
ANDREW FULTON: Spike Nelson rolling out of the ring, and Viper cackling like a hyena, as Funny Business EXPLODES!!!!!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Their Helloween Cup match was the 2017 match of the year, but every time these two cross paths its absolute insanity. Beelzebozo goes for the PUNCH LINE, but Industrial Man counters it into an ipponzei - they know each other so well... and... wait...
*THUD*
JEREMY TUCKER: I hope you're happy with yourself.
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Immensely.
JEREMY TUCKER: Fans we've been joined on commentary by one of the participants, Triple V.
*THUD*
JEREMY TUCKER: Not you too...
SPIKE NELSON: I didn't want to be left out.
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Pay no notice to him Spike, Tucker here is just jealous that we're setting a new standard in awesomeness for wrestling commentary, just as we've revolutionized tagging.
ANDREW FULTON: Getting other people to wrestle your matches for you is definitely a step in the right direction.
JEREMY TUCKER: ATTILA BALAN GOES FOR THE UPLOAD ERROR, BUT BEELZEBOZO MANAGES TO TURN IT INTO---
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Please Jeremy, WE'VE got this.
JEREMY TUCKER: ...
ANDREW FULTON: ...
SPIKE NELSON: ...
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Besides if those moronic bores Team Fairtex can do color commentary, completely looking past their REAL competition to scout the FreakAngels, when they're DEFINITELY going down in the next round, why can't me and Spike do the same in our own match?
JEREMY TUCKER: But aren't you going to call the match?
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: We'll give it the proper ressspect. Spike?
SPIKE NELSON: SCARAMOUCHE!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT!
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: I sure did. He fell harder than SSSWAT did that time they put their faith in Noodle Incident to do right by the fed after being pushed to the fucking moon. Ssspeaking of which... that is some seething negativity right there! Trolling made easssy. Its like Eric Dane is the living embodiment of the babysitters club, trying to give guys eating disorders with a steady stream of that old high school drama slash hate combined with pithy observation humour... ssso his opponents will be too weak from bulimia to put up a real fight. Actually... that's not half bad... Spike make a note of it.
SPIKE NELSON: I'm already there! That cereal isn't sitting too well.
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: NOT US! WE SHOULD ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO PUKE!
ANDREW FULTON: Eric Dane would say you already are.
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Et tu, Andy?
JEREMY TUCKER: Are you going to show your victims in the ring, the respect they deserve by at least describing the brutal exchanges that you have demanded, these two are really killing each other in there. This is OFF THE CHARTS. So will you call it, or are you going to sit there and take jabs at the other teams?
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: The people have eyes. Hell it's the 2018 match of the year in the ring right now. We all know it. But do people know that all of the Ssshootfighter'sss offssspring have a touch of the downsss? Don't let their idiot savant knowledge of moves that don't connect to each other fool you, they aren't to be bred with, even if one of them claims to be SSSWAT'sss handsomest face... but does little else to promote his raging ego, because he'sss ssshallow and one dimensional but not in a way that supports the claim. Where was I? OH yeah! The fans don't need me to call the action! We can all see CSK in the centre of the ring, pounding away at Blood Brother number two's ass with a passion that suggests we might be looking at the next member of KGB! CSK with a reach around... countered with what we will politely refer to as a hip attack... CSK not deterred tries to reach around again...
JEREMY TUCKER: CSK is not in this match.
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Then who is THAT guy?
JEREMY TUCKER: INDUSTRIAL MAN... who you're currently in a match against...
VILE "VINCE" VIEPR: Everything I learned about color commentating I learned from Team Fairtex. I mean, I think The Family all look alike, but you shouldn't say it...
JEREMY TUCKER: Even if your not going to call it properly, and turn it into some sort of homoerotic fantasy, at least get the names right.
*CONTINUOUS HUGE REACTIONS FOR THE MOTY GOING ON IN THE RING THAT IS TOTALLY BEING IGNORED ON COMMENTARY*
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: The people know who is in there. They can sssee what's going on in the ring... that is... unless they're blind, which would be hilarious. Blind people are funny. So instead I'm going to focus on telling everyone how gay Brocode is.
JEREMY TUCKER: Beelzebozo with a---
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: BROCODE IS SO GAY!
ANDREW FULTON: How gay are they, Vile?
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: BROCODE IS SO GAY THAT TURNERS' BEARD ROXY ONCE----
SPIKE NELSON: CHIMICHONGA WHAT A MOVE!
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Good call, Spike!
JEREMY TUCKER: HMPH.
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: I like how Fierce was so disssgusssted with Sssoutter he left him to die, but even KNOWING that, neither of them wanted to team with CSSSK instead. "Id rather ssshoot myssself in the foot teaming with the giant Australian douche than be seen near CSK." How sad is Chr----------NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANDREW FULTON: The last episode of ACW Turmoil ended with Beelzebozo being betrayed by his manager the Anonymoose - who was revealed to be the grandson of Vile "Vince" Viper, Spike Nelson. Viper and Nelson - Better Than Sex - then proceeded to beat the hell out of the ACW champion, before standing triumphant over the team they are about to meet, Funny Business. ....I don't know if I've said it yet in this broadcast Jeremy, but I'm really glad we only handle the big shows.
JEREMY TUCKER: Definitely bad blood spilling over from Atlantic Coast... and a rematch between the finalists of our 2018 royal rumble. That night Viper came out on top over Funny Business, but can he repeat it this evening?
ANDREW FULTON: Funny Business might have been the favorites to take this tournament, but after that first hellacious match against the KGB? Viper and Nelson are comparatively fresh.
JEREMY TUCKER: It should be noted that Viper FORCED Funny Business to defend their TWINSTAR tag titles 18 times earlier today at a Backyard event... so this is actually there TWENTIETH match of the day for Balan and Friendly.
ANDREW FULTON: Jesus.
JEREMY TUCKER: I don't know how they're still going.
ANDREW FULTON: I meant there still being backyard shows... but the fact that Funny Business can still go after wrestling nineteen times is also DAMN impressive. Are they even human?
JEREMY TUCKER: Well Balan is apparently a robot.
The opening to White Zombie's More Human Than Human starts to pump over the loud speakers, the house lights dimming as a woman moans loudly.
Frank Salazar: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest kicks off the SECOND ROUND of ANZAC ACTION!!!! Entering first...
The moaning quickly stops, a scratching sound cutting to the Teddybear's Cobrastyle, as white fireworks explode from the entranceway. As the house lights come up, there are a dozen exhibitionists in snake body paint on stage contorting around explicitly enough for the pay per view broadcaster to drop SWAT, but managing to cover all the naughty bits up so as to not get this segments designer in trouble. ...suck it.
Frank Salazar: ...christ. Um. Yeah. Please put your hands together in welcoming...
BETTER
THAN
SEX
WITH
VILE VINCE VIPER
AND
SIMPLY AMAZING SPIKE NELSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With the announcement of Better Than Sex, some orange fireworks explode, causing all the snake models to stop their lewd exchanges. Spike Nelson dives through the entrance curtains in sync with a second round of red fire works; while a subdued Vile "Vince" Viper calmly struts out in sync with the music. The snake models prance down the aisle, throwing flower petals at the feet of the greatest tag team of all time.
ANDREW FULTON: That... that was quite the entrance.
JEREMY TUCKER: Just wait for Buster Friendly, he gives a child in the audience a balloon animal then bursts it with his cigar. It's always surprising.
Frank Salazar: And their opponents... entering first...
The lights go out and the opening fanfare of "Entrance of the Gladiators" by Julis Fucik starts to play. After the introduction, before the famous melody can begin, there is the sound of a record scratching, then the maniacal laughter that only an evil clown can produce fills the air. The laughter ends abruptly and there is a second of awkward, uncomfortable silence before "Halloween" (Celldweller remix) cuts through the quiet.
Red lights illuminate the entranceway and their are noticeable fumbling motions behind the curtain before Beelzebozo finally emerges from the back.
His ill-fitting suit looking like he slept in it the last three days, porkpie hat perched precariously on top of his shock of red hair, and lit cigar in his mouth, the Clown From Hell stumbles down the aisle, cursing at women, spitting at men, and threatening to backhand little kids that try to touch him.
His ever-present Sack slung over one hunched shoulder, the bag of mischief bulging from the vile treasures within, Beelzebozo shambles down to the ring.
ANDREW FULTON: Here comes the Atlantic Coast champ----Viper charging at him with a chair! Not waiting for it to get to the ring!
JEREMY TUCKER: Given Viper and Friendly's preference for weapons, it makes sense to do the bulk of the blood letting before the match starts, they don't want to risk a disqualification! FRIENDLY DUCKS THE CHAIRSHOT, AND POUNCES ON VIPER - CHOKING THE OLD MAN OUT ON THE CONCRETE FLOOR!
ANDREW FULTON: Ramming Vile's head into the concrete as he does it, fortunately there are those flower petals to cushion the blow. ...they don't seem to be much of a cushion.
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike trying to come to his grandfather's aid, but Beelzebozo just kicks him off with a BIG ASS clown shoe! The ACW champ's hatred for the Devil of SWAT is... well... scary.
Moving into the danger zone again, Spike places a handcuff on one of Beelzebozo's hands. What the hell is this? Buster Friendly lets go of Viper to slug his former manager, only to have the old man reach up and twist the arm around - handcuffing Beelzebozo's hands behind his back.
ANDREW FULTON: Viper coughing up blood from that vicious assault, but he's managed to handcuff the champion. The Industrial Man had better get out here fast!
Vile "Vince" Viper kicks Buster Friendly off of him, before pulling an iPhone out of his breast pocket. Spike Nelson tries to kick away at Buster, but mostly keeps his distance, as even without arms the clown can still use his teeth to chow on moose. "Strict Machine" by Goldfrapp starts to pump over the PA system.
JEREMY TUCKER: Viper with an iPhone, tries to grab Friendly's head, but Beelzebozo takes a chunk of flesh out of that claw with those rotting teeth of his. Viper with a Satanic strut!!! Here comes Attila Balan out of the back... hurry Balan!!!
ANDREW FULTON: Triple V cueing up... wait he wouldn't... Viper playing a Psychotic Goth promo on his phone, and Spike Nelson duct taping the phone to Beelzebozo's face-----FORCING HIM TO WATCH IT!
Beelzebozo: SWEET JESUS - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Attila Balan catching up with the action takes Viper down with a lariat! The force sending the king of snakes 180 degrees through the air before crashing down on the concrete. Flower petals everywhere!
ANDREW FULTON: Buster Friendly is biting his lip, trying to chew his own face off to get rid of that phone!
JEREMY TUCKER: Balan kicking Viper in the ribs to make sure he's down, then turning to help Buster... but here comes Spike Nelson, springboarding off the guardrail to hurricanrana I-Man onto the concrete!
Beelzebozo: You're killing me!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Beelzebozo stumbling around blindly, ramming his head into the guardrails and floor in an effort to break that iPhone. He doesn't care if the glass from the screen cutd his corneas into a fine paste, he welcomes it! Spike Nelson looks genuinely concerned for his former charge...
Beelzebozo: I QUIT! I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!
ANDREW FULTON: Buster Friendly is tapping out... but the match hasn't started yet! If Better Than Sex had pulled this dangerous stunt inside the ring, they'd be advancing already!
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike Nelson is really conflicted about torturing Friendly this badly...
Vile "Vince" Viper: Hey Spike, we should see how many times we can kick Balan in the crotch in a row before his entrance music endsss!
Strict machine is still playing, and Spike Nelson is easily distracted. Completely forgetting about his friend Buster who recently tried to take his own life after watching MUCH LESS Psychotic Goth action than he is now, Spike gleefully starts kicking away.
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
ANDREW FULTON: It's a good thing the International Champion is made out of metal, or that would DEFINITELY leave a mark.
Beelzebozo: FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Buster Friendly blindly charging down the aisle, stepping on Attila Balan's crotch in the process of running face first into the corner post. He may have knocked himself out. Spike Nelson using the guardrail to hit a moonsault on Balan, while Viper stomps on the International champion's throat. The crowd is not liking this at all.
ANDREW FULTON: They were angry at Balan for beating Soutter earlier, but Viper has made a SWAT career out of doing far worse to the Australian hero. Better Than Sex getting pelted with beer bottles... but just treating this like a fan's bring the weapons match - smashing the glass over The Industrial Man.
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike's attention going back to the sobbing Buster Friendly. I... I have to say... I understand that Friendly had a traumatic feud that explains his current overreaction, but Psychotic Goth is one of our finest wrestlers.
To distract Spike from wanting to help the clown prince of chaos, VVV lifts up Attila Balan, encouraging his grandson to hit the old man's finisher. Bonding, yay!
ANDREW FULTON: Viper has Balan in a full nelson - and here comes Spike with the Satan's Stru--------------Balan leaning forwards pulls Viper into that swaggering eye gouge!
JEREMY TUCKER: That didn't look like Spike even hit the eyes, but Viper is selling it like death for his grandson! The first paternal thing he has EVER done, leading one to wonder if its not just to cover up the weaknesses of having an eye gouge for a finisher. But right now Viper seems more agonized than Beelzebozo...
ANDREW FULTON: Not that he is doing Spike any favors, as Balan takes the kid down with a short arm closeline!
JEREMY TUCKER: The International champion body slamming Spike spine first into the guardrail, before knocking him off it with a double axe handle chop! Viper clearly seeing Spike getting roughed up, NO SELLS his own finisher, charging in to the rescue!
*MASSIVE POP!!!*
JEREMY TUCKER: Attila Balan catching Viper with a SPINEBUSTER ONTO SPIKE! Nelson has been crushed like a bug!
ANDREW FULTON: Better Than Sex left in a pile...
*MASSIVE POP!!!*
JEREMY TUCKER: Attila Balan RIPPING A SLAB OF CONCRETE OUT OF THE FLOOR, and further pinning Better Than Sex to the floor! Spike looks dead.
Beelzebozo: ...the... horror... the... HORROR...
JEREMY TUCKER: Unable to ignore his partner's pleas for assistance, Attila Balan leaving the wreckage to check on Beelzebozo.
Buster Friendly is a bloody mess, his face swollen and bruised, not from the KGB match as much as from bashing it into guardrails trying to break the phone attached to his eyes. A plant in the audience hands Balan the CLAMPS OF DEATH.
ANDREW FULTON: Are those tinfoil covered cardboard...?
JEREMY TUCKER: The robot collecting his metal hands from the audience, USING THEM TO BREAK BEELZEBOZO'S HANDCUFFS!!!
ANDREW FULTON: He'd better hurry, here come Better Than Sex.
Brushing "concrete" off, Viper and Nelson limp up the aisle to the ring - only they try not to limp, as they are hard men who have mastered the art of NO SELLING.
JEREMY TUCKER: Simply Amazing and the King of Snakes trying not to acknowledge the fact that they've had part of the building dropped on them, but they aren't fooling anyone. That had to hurt.
ANDREW FULTON: Balan using those clamps to tear the duct tape off of the ACW champ's face... trying to gently remove the iPhone even as Beelzebozo attempts to claw out his own eyes.
Realizing they won't catch Funny Business in time, Viper and Spike slide into the ring instead. Outside, Balan pulls the iPhone off of Buster Friendly's face - tossing it away. The phone promptly explodes, choosing to take its own life after the horrors it has witnessed.
JEREMY TUCKER: Thank goodness! Attila Balan has rescued his partner...
ANDREW FULTON: Who's been reduced to a quivering mass... his brain turned to jello!
JEREMY TUCKER: And looking up to the ring, finds Better Than Sex w/Vile "Vince" Viper and Spike Nelson - striking a causal pose like they're waiting for him to start the match. Smiling like the cat who caught the canary. This is shaping up to be a handicap match. For the Atlantic Coast champion, the lights are on but there is nobody home.
ANDREW FULTON: Balan is forced to leave his partner - who is drooling on the apron like a vegetable - and take on these dangerous men in a handicap setting. Of course that means that the match is officially underway!
DING~! DING~~!! DING~~~!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Double dropkick to the crotch! Double fishhook. Eww. Balan gasping for air, while referee Horace Gold insists that one of the BTS members leaves the ring. Spike Nelson officially starting things off, and is THROWN halfway across the ring!
Catching himself with the ropes, Simply Amazing seems a little taken aback at the ease with which Balan threw him. Let's try that again.
ANDREW FULTON: Nelson charging in again, but Balan shoves him off, and almost sends the kid flying out of the ring!
JEREMY TUCKER: Third times a char---Spike had to grab the top rope to stay in there after that toss.
*WHISTLE*
From under the ring, VVV has produced a box of Popeye Sweet Crunch cereal! Spike Nelson slaps his hands together in in sheer bliss at this secret weapon! Christmas comes early! Except Vile still owes him a Christmas gift from 1989. An ecstatic Spike turns to point out his good fortune to The Industrial Man, only to realize the machine is moving in for the kill. Desperately needing the cereal to compete with the robot's steel strength, Spike darts over to his corner.
Spike Nelson: Will it have the same magical properties without milk, Grandpa?
Vile "Vince" Viper: Sure Spike. When they test these on rats, I don't think they worry about presentation or making it a well-balanced breakfast. Probably don't even give them a bowl.
Spike Nelson: They LET them use their hands?! Lucky rats.
Spike Nelson rolls out of the corner, narrowly missing an avalanche by The Industrial Man. Realizing that time is of the essence, Simply Amazing rips open the ancient box! With Balan hot on his heels, Spike Nelson runs around the ring, rolling, weaving, and sidestepping as he desperately forces down the dusty cereal.
ANDREW FULTON: This was supposed to be the most epic encounter of the tournament...
JEREMY TUCKER: It is. Spike accidentally inhaling some of the fistfuls of cereal he's shoved into his mouth, and choking on them! He's still desperately trying to run away from The Industrial Man but he's turning blue...
ANDREW FULTON: SPEAR!!!!!!!!!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Balan hitting Spike with such force he almost knocked him out of his damn boots... but he also forced him to cough up that questionable cereal, so he may have saved Spike's life... just in time for a cover...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANDREW FULTON: Spike kicks out, but that may have just been a convulsion from choking again. Pretty sure it wasn't a conscious attempt to keep the match going. He ate that whole box of cereal. Spike Nelson is already a winner in Spike Nelson's mind.
JEREMY TUCKER: Apparently after Better Than Sex broke up at the end of the 2009 Frank Marano Jr memorial, Spike took a sabbatical from wrestling to become a competitive eater.
ANDREW FULTON: Made America great again?
JEREMY TUCKER: Taking that sport seriously, Spike opted to compete on the Korean national team.
ANDREW FULTON: What a sell out. Balan going for the Parallel Computing, but Viper from the apron blinds him with white powder. Probably cocaine. He is obscenely generous with that stuff. Balan having a face full of cocaine should give Spike a chance to breath... uh... digest.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
*MASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIVE POP*
Spike Nelson jumps up to his feet, his forearms have swollen up to three times their normal size.
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike Nelson suffering from some form of extreme edema as a result of consuming that expired cereal.
ANDREW FULTON: But you wouldn't know he was having a serious medical reaction from looking at him... um... from looking at his face. Kid's smiling like he won the lottery.
JEREMY TUCKER: Convinced that corn flour, sugar, brown sugar, and partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil are as good for you as cartoon spinach, Spike Nelson is calling on The Industrial Man for a TEST OF STRENGTH!
ANDREW FULTON: Balan finally getting the powder out of his eyes, doesn't look too happy or buzzed, and I believe he's literally going to rip the bloated arms off that man-child's body.
Vile "Vince" Viper gives Spike the thumbs up.
JEREMY TUCKER: Criminally irresponsible for Viper to put his grandson in this position, but even if the kid is legally {Mongo Edit: Nah we don't say that anymore}, he's a lot sharper than the bulk of our first round participants.
ANDREW FULTON: The Anzac Cup is really turning into the Special Olympics this year. There's the lock-up, and Balan immediately gets the advantage - no - Viper from behind with a razor sharp claw to the kidney!
JEREMY TUCKER: Balan almost blacking out from the pain, which is just what Spike needs to WIN THE TEST OF STRENGTH! Nelson backing Balan into their corner - and Viper choking I-Man from the apron while Spike celebrates like he's the strongest man alive.
SPIKE NELSON <trying to flex his medical emergency>: I AM THE STRONGEST MAN ALIVE!!!
ANDREW FULTON: Viper holding Balan in place as Spike goes to town with a series of grotesquely enlarged Popeye forearm shots. The two men wearing Balan down... now Spike charges in with a pele kick!
JEREMY TUCKER: Balan staggering out of the corner, and Spike off the ropes with a SPRINGBOARD DROPKICK!!! And there's the hook of the leg!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANDREW FULTON: Balan throwing Spike off of him... while Viper tags himself in off the midair-flying Spike.
JEREMY TUCKER: Before Balan can get up, there's a thumb to the throat. Vile peppering down forearm smashes. Spike off the top with a somersault legdrop!!! But its Viper with the cover...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANDREW FULTON: Balan grabs a handful of ropes, so Nelson off the top AGAIN with stomp to the arm! Yup. That'll do it.
JEREMY TUCKER: Balan looks like his arm is broken. While the referee tries to get Spike out, Viper claws the Industrial Man's face, before planting him in the center of the ring with a Tiger Driver. Kneedrop to the back. Now locking on a sharpshooter. Balan nowhere near the ropes, and can't count on Beelzebozo for assistance, as his partner seems to have slipped into a coma...
ANDREW FULTON: From the devastating effects of watching a Psychot---
JEREMY TUCKER: Yes, leave the reason out of it. Referee Horace Gold asking if Balan gives up, but I think Viper will have to break his spine before The Industrial Man gives in!
ANDREW FULTON: That can be arranged.
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike Nelson coming off the top with a summersault kneedrop into Balan's exposed back. Viper hanging onto that sharpshooter, and here comes Nelson with the camel clutch! Just trying to break Balan in half! Gold giving Spike a five count to get out of there.
ANDREW FULTON: Spike exits as Viper lets go of the sharpshooter, only to immediately put on a Boston crab!
JEREMY TUCKER: And having beaten the five count, Spike races back in to throw on a crossface chickenwing! There is Gold with the five count again... 1... 2... 3... 4... Spike gets back out.
ANDREW FULTON: Yeah, because we can't have actual tag moves in our tag tournament.
JEREMY TUCKER: Viper positioning Balan back into their corner with a butterfly suplex, and standing on his throat as he tags Spike back in. Spike comes off the top with a senton... the two men scoop him up for... DOUBLE RELEASE TEXTBOOK SUPLEX!!!!!!!!!
Both men lift Balan up in the air for a standard textbook suplex, then just release it, casually walking away as he falls awkwardly to the canvas. The jeers are massive.
ANDREW FULTON: That was wonderful! Viper out, and Spike calling for the JERSEY DEVIL SPIKE!!! The Industrial Man has taken a lot of abuse, effectively wrestling this contest by himself, and you have to believe that this will put the champions out of the contest.
JEREMY TUCKER: SPIKE GOING UP TOP------------ AND HERE IT IS!!!!!!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
ANDREW FULTON: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: JUST AS SPIKE WAS ABOUT TO HIT THE JERSEY DEVIL - BUSTER FRIENDLY RAN IN, WITH A CLOWN SHOE THRUST KICK TO THE HEAD OF THE MIDAIR SPIKE!!! SPIKE'S JAW COULD BE BROKEN!!!
ANDREW FULTON: HIS JAW IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE POPEYE'S TOO!
JEREMY TUCKER: Viper charging in, but Beelzebozo taking him down with a drop toehold INTO his grandson! Viper jumping back up - and AGAIN taking a toehold that sends him crashing into Spike! The Clown Prince of Chaos mounting the DEVIL of SWAT, and just peppering down with brutal right hands!
ANDREW FULTON: Between making Funny Business wrestle seventeen matches in a row earlier today, right before the tournament started, and turning this into a handicap match with that torturous phone spot, Viper tried to scheme his way to victory - but he's facing the full fury of Friendly! All the nefarious plots in the world aren't going to save him from this beating!
JEREMY TUCKER: Viper a bloody mess, while Gold tries to get the illegal men out of there.
ANDREW FULTON: A barely there Industrial Man managing to get an arm over the legal Spike... HERE WE GO!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike managing to kickout! Though that might have just been his prone body bouncing off the canvas from the force of Viper's head being driven into the mat.
ANDREW FULTON: Viper so covered in blood hes slippery, managing to slither away!
JEREMY TUCKER: NO! Beelzebozo catches him by the snakeskin coat - he's not through with the cheap heat machine! Viper scrambling to get out of there... in such a hurry he leaves half his jacket with Friendly while falling face first on the floor.
ANDREW FULTON: Beelzebozo trying to follow the old man out, but stops to avoid a face full of that deadly black venom.
JEREMY TUCKER: Viper Grabbing a barbwire laced baseball bat out from under the ring to protect himself, while Beelzebozo turns to check on his partner.
ANDREW FULTON: Buster Friendly helping Balan to the corner... for all the epic wars these two have had in SWAT over the past six months, its easy to forget that they were the backyard tag champions that entire time.
JEREMY TUCKER: Only losing for the very first time today, after defeating forty men over the period of three hours. It doesn't look like their will be a second loss this evening, as Friendly tags himself in.
ANDREW FULTON: Buster the legal man, coming face to face with his former manager...
JEREMY TUCKER: Spike offering a handshake... and tasting a hand buzzer for his attempt at good sportsmanship.
Beelzebozo laughs at the former Anonymoose. There is a first time for everything.
JEREMY TUCKER: Now Spike reaching into his boot and pulling out... another iPhone! Beelzebozo looks terrified!
Spike Nelson laughs, made you flinch!
JEREMY TUCKER: A furious Beelzebozo slaps the iPhone out of Spike's hand, pulling him into a side headlock... and he's STILL wearing that hand buzzer.
ANDREW FULTON: Spike shoves him into the ropes, and both men roll back, but Nelson reverses out of that headlock, and shoves Buster's loaded hand into the clown's back!
Beelzebozo howls like goofy.
JEREMY TUCKER: After tasting his own prop-----Buster with a bicycle kick of his own - which really shouldn't work, except that his clown shoes give his reach an extra two feet. The force knocks Spike back into the ropes. Throwing away the hand buzzer, Beelzebozo charges in with a...
ANDREW FULTON: *KNEESLAPPER*
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
JEREMY TUCKER: But the Backyard U-10 champion catches him with the SWEET SHIN MUSIC! Spike still took the bulk of that knee to the groin, but what can you do.
Holding his crotch in agony, Spike Nelson starts to stagger around, while a few feet away Beelzebozo limps around with his pained ankle.
JEREMY FULTON: The two men slowly shuffling towards each other... Beelzebozo with his SUPERMAN PUNCH!!!!!!!! WHILE SPIKE GOES FOR A SUPERKICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOTH CONNECT!
ANDREW FULTON: Spike stumbles back into the ropes, then falls forwards onto Buster for the pin...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Buster shoves Spike off of him, not having had proper time to celebrate his super man punch. Now goes back to celebrating it - but Nelson pulls him into an inside cradle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-----------------------------------------------------------------
ANDREW FULTON: BIG KICKOUT! And Buster immediately takes Spike down with a short arm closeline... the impact of a rolling kneedrop rolls Simply Amazing over, exposing the back for...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
JEREMY TUCKER: WHISKY LULLABY!!!!!!!
ANDREW FULTON: INDUSTRIAL MAN ENTERING THE RING TO CUT VIPER OFF! MAKING SURE THAT VIPER CAN'T MAKE THE SAVE AS SPIKE IS BEING CHOKED WORSE THAN HE DID EARLIER ON THAT CEREAL!!!! THIS IS IT JEREMY!
JEREMY TUCKER: WHISKY LULLABY - AND SPIKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING WITH NOWHERE TO GO!!! ALL VIPER CAN DO IS CURSE FUNNY BUSINESS FROM THE OUTSIDE!!!!
Vile "Vince" Viper: Losssssssssssse something?
TripleV throws a fireball up in the air to get Funny Business attention. He calmly holds up a yellowed envelope.
ANDREW FULTON: What is he playing at?
JEREMY TUCKER: Viper with a microphone from the apron, holding up an envelope. I don't know what it is, but Beelzebozo just let go of the whisky lullaby, and is charging towards him.
VVV shoots another fireball up in the air, this one EXTREMELY close to the ancient letter.
Vile "Vince" Viper: ...Not so fassst. Just because you were careless enough to lose this, doesn't mean I'll do the same.
A camera close-up reveals Buster's name written on the old letter.
JEREMY TUCKER: Our producers have informed me, that THAT is a letter to Buster from his father, never opened, that was stolen from clown prince of chaos' bag of tricks during the Helloween Cup finals by backyard sleaze ZORK Nontext. Everyone involved was hoping that loose plot thread would never come back, but here we are...
Vile Vince Viper: You want it... prove it... <pointing at Balan> take him offline.
*MASSIVE JEERS*
JEREMY TUCKER: UNBELIEVABLE!
ANDREW FULTON: Looks like Viper still has one scheme left up his sleeve.
JEREMY TUCKER: Beelzebozo refusing to attack his partner, spitting at Viper to burn it...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
JEREMY TUCKER: SO ATTILA BALAN SLUGS BUSTER! The Industrial Man knows how important that letter is to his partner, forcing Friendly to act out Viper's malevolent will! What a wonderful mechanical man who is a friend to all but hates nature!!!
Marketing.
ANDREW FULTON: Spike Nelson rolling out of the ring, and Viper cackling like a hyena, as Funny Business EXPLODES!!!!!!!
JEREMY TUCKER: Their Helloween Cup match was the 2017 match of the year, but every time these two cross paths its absolute insanity. Beelzebozo goes for the PUNCH LINE, but Industrial Man counters it into an ipponzei - they know each other so well... and... wait...
*THUD*
JEREMY TUCKER: I hope you're happy with yourself.
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Immensely.
JEREMY TUCKER: Fans we've been joined on commentary by one of the participants, Triple V.
*THUD*
JEREMY TUCKER: Not you too...
SPIKE NELSON: I didn't want to be left out.
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Pay no notice to him Spike, Tucker here is just jealous that we're setting a new standard in awesomeness for wrestling commentary, just as we've revolutionized tagging.
ANDREW FULTON: Getting other people to wrestle your matches for you is definitely a step in the right direction.
JEREMY TUCKER: ATTILA BALAN GOES FOR THE UPLOAD ERROR, BUT BEELZEBOZO MANAGES TO TURN IT INTO---
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Please Jeremy, WE'VE got this.
JEREMY TUCKER: ...
ANDREW FULTON: ...
SPIKE NELSON: ...
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Besides if those moronic bores Team Fairtex can do color commentary, completely looking past their REAL competition to scout the FreakAngels, when they're DEFINITELY going down in the next round, why can't me and Spike do the same in our own match?
JEREMY TUCKER: But aren't you going to call the match?
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: We'll give it the proper ressspect. Spike?
SPIKE NELSON: SCARAMOUCHE!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT!
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: I sure did. He fell harder than SSSWAT did that time they put their faith in Noodle Incident to do right by the fed after being pushed to the fucking moon. Ssspeaking of which... that is some seething negativity right there! Trolling made easssy. Its like Eric Dane is the living embodiment of the babysitters club, trying to give guys eating disorders with a steady stream of that old high school drama slash hate combined with pithy observation humour... ssso his opponents will be too weak from bulimia to put up a real fight. Actually... that's not half bad... Spike make a note of it.
SPIKE NELSON: I'm already there! That cereal isn't sitting too well.
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: NOT US! WE SHOULD ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO PUKE!
ANDREW FULTON: Eric Dane would say you already are.
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Et tu, Andy?
JEREMY TUCKER: Are you going to show your victims in the ring, the respect they deserve by at least describing the brutal exchanges that you have demanded, these two are really killing each other in there. This is OFF THE CHARTS. So will you call it, or are you going to sit there and take jabs at the other teams?
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: The people have eyes. Hell it's the 2018 match of the year in the ring right now. We all know it. But do people know that all of the Ssshootfighter'sss offssspring have a touch of the downsss? Don't let their idiot savant knowledge of moves that don't connect to each other fool you, they aren't to be bred with, even if one of them claims to be SSSWAT'sss handsomest face... but does little else to promote his raging ego, because he'sss ssshallow and one dimensional but not in a way that supports the claim. Where was I? OH yeah! The fans don't need me to call the action! We can all see CSK in the centre of the ring, pounding away at Blood Brother number two's ass with a passion that suggests we might be looking at the next member of KGB! CSK with a reach around... countered with what we will politely refer to as a hip attack... CSK not deterred tries to reach around again...
JEREMY TUCKER: CSK is not in this match.
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Then who is THAT guy?
JEREMY TUCKER: INDUSTRIAL MAN... who you're currently in a match against...
VILE "VINCE" VIEPR: Everything I learned about color commentating I learned from Team Fairtex. I mean, I think The Family all look alike, but you shouldn't say it...
JEREMY TUCKER: Even if your not going to call it properly, and turn it into some sort of homoerotic fantasy, at least get the names right.
*CONTINUOUS HUGE REACTIONS FOR THE MOTY GOING ON IN THE RING THAT IS TOTALLY BEING IGNORED ON COMMENTARY*
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: The people know who is in there. They can sssee what's going on in the ring... that is... unless they're blind, which would be hilarious. Blind people are funny. So instead I'm going to focus on telling everyone how gay Brocode is.
JEREMY TUCKER: Beelzebozo with a---
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: BROCODE IS SO GAY!
ANDREW FULTON: How gay are they, Vile?
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: BROCODE IS SO GAY THAT TURNERS' BEARD ROXY ONCE----
SPIKE NELSON: CHIMICHONGA WHAT A MOVE!
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Good call, Spike!
JEREMY TUCKER: HMPH.
VILE "VINCE" VIPER: I like how Fierce was so disssgusssted with Sssoutter he left him to die, but even KNOWING that, neither of them wanted to team with CSSSK instead. "Id rather ssshoot myssself in the foot teaming with the giant Australian douche than be seen near CSK." How sad is Chr----------NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!