Post by Jonnie Valentine on Nov 1, 2020 0:34:42 GMT -5
(Open up on HGTV's hit show King of the Castle with "Thankful" Jonnie Valentine and Kelly Thomas standing in the kitchen of a modest two bedroom in eastern Michigan)
Kelly Thomas: Hello, and welcome back to King of the Castle with me Kelly Thomas and my partner as always, "Thankful" Jonnie Valentine.
"Thankful" Jonnie Valentine: Great to be with you as always, Kelly. Now you know the drill. We take people with some heart breaking stories and turn their house into the castle they've always dreamed of...literally. I'd like you to meet Jake. Jake, step over here.
(An embarrassed and humble looking Jake walks into the frame)
Jake: (meekly waves) Hi guys.
Jonnie Valentine: Jake, tells us a little about yourself.
Jake: Well, I did two tours of Afghanistan...
Jonnie Valentine: Ah, yes. The Long War.
Jake: Uh, yeah. When I got back I married my high school sweetheart and adopted her three kids, one of whom lives with MS.
Jonnie Valentine: Tragic.
Jake: I guess. I mean, he's a great kid, he loves you.
Jonnie Valentine: (assuringly) I'm sure he does. (turns to Kelly) I'm huge with that crowd.
Jake: I was making good money at the lumberyard, but then the virus struck and I got laid off. My wife lost her job at the supermarket. She's been making some extra money teaching piano, but it's just not enough.
Jonnie Valentine: Well, I have some amazing news. (pause for effect) We are going to turn your home into the castle of your dreams!
Jake: Yeah, I know.
Jonnie Valentine: What?
Jake: Yeah, there's a big truck outside with the logo parked on my lawn. Plus everyone in the production crew is wearing a t-shirt with the show's name on it. Not to mention, I'm talking to the hosts of the show in my kitchen...
Jonnie Valentine: (talks over him) Boy, you can't sneak anything past ol' Jake here, must be that military training.
(Cut to Jonnie's voiceover as they show a montage of the demo work and then construction of the house)
"First we had to tear out all the walls, replacing them with stone and rebar. We hit a main gas line digging the moat in the front yard that delayed us a few days, and got us in some hot water with the local authorities. Also, several of the alligators for the moat died during shipping, but in reality, as long as it still floats...it's doing it's job. But still, we were up against the clock!"
(Cut to Jonnie in the still unfinished castle with Kelly Thomas)
Jonnie Valentine: I'm really worried. We've only got two hours left to finish this thing.
Kelly: Why?
Jonnie Valentine: Because that's the time limit we gave ourselves.
Kelly: I don't know, Jonnie. I don't think it's safe to let someone live here yet. Alot of this isn't even structurally sound...
Jonnie Valentine: (yelling at construction workers) LET'S GO!! A FAMILY OF FIVE, INCLUDING A SPECIAL NEEDS SON, WILL LIVE HERE IN TWO HOURS!!
(Construction worker on ladder gets startled, hitting his hammer on the wrong part of the ceiling and four heavy rocks fall, smashing to the ground almost hitting Kelly, who screams)
Jonnie Valentine: Watch yourself there, Kelly.
(Jonnie's voice over)
"Next it was time for the big reveal!"
(Jonnie's car screeches to the front of the property and slams on the brakes. Jonnie gets out of the front seat, goes around to the back and pulls Jake out of the car with a burlap sack over his head. He leads him out of the car onto the lawn with his family waiting)
Jonnie Valentine: Ok, you can't see right?
Jake: No, and to be honest, this sack is triggering my PTSD from when I was captured by Taliban forces....
Jonnie Valentine: Jiminy Christmas, Jake. We're not the Taliban, we're HGTV. It's totally different. For the most part. And (pulls burlap sack off his head) Ta-dah!!
Jake: Wow....
(Jake's house has been replaced with a miniature castle, with hissing alligators in the moat, complete with a drawbridge, a keep, and a motte)
Jake: I don't believe it. I mean, it kind of looks like a miniature golf park, but it's amazing. The drawbridge is great for my son's wheelchair. Are these alligators going to survive a Michigan winter?
Jonnie Valentine: Goodness no. You'll have to keep them inside until...when does it get warm here?
Jake's Wife: Like June?
Jonnie Valentine: There you go. Like June. You see? I can make everyone happy. (looks to the camera) You want to hear some happy people, wait till you hear that crowd, Miss Diss. The ring will shake under your feet. The chants will be deafening. It's not easy to remember your game plan when everything I do makes the building shake. Because this isn't fighting for my life in a haunted jail, this isn't the world's most complicated 10 man tag match that to this day I still don't understand. No, this is a wrestling match. Something I've won thousands of. I've won so many matches it's like breathing to me. You can go back to your library and watch me through the years, until you run out of formats they carry my matches on. Fireside needs star power, Miss Diss, and whoever gets the World Championship will be a trivia question after I quickly take it off of them. Philadelphia is my town. Hell, they're all my towns. But in a couple weeks, it'll be where I take my god given place as the number one contender and take this company to the next level.
Jake: Um...my daughter is getting kind of close to that pot up there?
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, yeah, I would grab her. That's the boiling oil.
Jake: Boiling oi-...for what?
Jonnie Valentine: For wha-...for your enemies. Hordes of marauders? (chuckles) I'm starting to get why we're still in Afghanistan, Jake.
Jake: (runs) Kelsey!!
Kelly Thomas: So join us next week where we take an elderly woman in Northern California who's house burned in the wildfires, and turn it into an impenetrable fortress of darkness. On King of the Castle!
(Theme music plays as Jonnie and Kelly wave goodbye. The credits roll over them)
Kelly Thomas: Hello, and welcome back to King of the Castle with me Kelly Thomas and my partner as always, "Thankful" Jonnie Valentine.
"Thankful" Jonnie Valentine: Great to be with you as always, Kelly. Now you know the drill. We take people with some heart breaking stories and turn their house into the castle they've always dreamed of...literally. I'd like you to meet Jake. Jake, step over here.
(An embarrassed and humble looking Jake walks into the frame)
Jake: (meekly waves) Hi guys.
Jonnie Valentine: Jake, tells us a little about yourself.
Jake: Well, I did two tours of Afghanistan...
Jonnie Valentine: Ah, yes. The Long War.
Jake: Uh, yeah. When I got back I married my high school sweetheart and adopted her three kids, one of whom lives with MS.
Jonnie Valentine: Tragic.
Jake: I guess. I mean, he's a great kid, he loves you.
Jonnie Valentine: (assuringly) I'm sure he does. (turns to Kelly) I'm huge with that crowd.
Jake: I was making good money at the lumberyard, but then the virus struck and I got laid off. My wife lost her job at the supermarket. She's been making some extra money teaching piano, but it's just not enough.
Jonnie Valentine: Well, I have some amazing news. (pause for effect) We are going to turn your home into the castle of your dreams!
Jake: Yeah, I know.
Jonnie Valentine: What?
Jake: Yeah, there's a big truck outside with the logo parked on my lawn. Plus everyone in the production crew is wearing a t-shirt with the show's name on it. Not to mention, I'm talking to the hosts of the show in my kitchen...
Jonnie Valentine: (talks over him) Boy, you can't sneak anything past ol' Jake here, must be that military training.
(Cut to Jonnie's voiceover as they show a montage of the demo work and then construction of the house)
"First we had to tear out all the walls, replacing them with stone and rebar. We hit a main gas line digging the moat in the front yard that delayed us a few days, and got us in some hot water with the local authorities. Also, several of the alligators for the moat died during shipping, but in reality, as long as it still floats...it's doing it's job. But still, we were up against the clock!"
(Cut to Jonnie in the still unfinished castle with Kelly Thomas)
Jonnie Valentine: I'm really worried. We've only got two hours left to finish this thing.
Kelly: Why?
Jonnie Valentine: Because that's the time limit we gave ourselves.
Kelly: I don't know, Jonnie. I don't think it's safe to let someone live here yet. Alot of this isn't even structurally sound...
Jonnie Valentine: (yelling at construction workers) LET'S GO!! A FAMILY OF FIVE, INCLUDING A SPECIAL NEEDS SON, WILL LIVE HERE IN TWO HOURS!!
(Construction worker on ladder gets startled, hitting his hammer on the wrong part of the ceiling and four heavy rocks fall, smashing to the ground almost hitting Kelly, who screams)
Jonnie Valentine: Watch yourself there, Kelly.
(Jonnie's voice over)
"Next it was time for the big reveal!"
(Jonnie's car screeches to the front of the property and slams on the brakes. Jonnie gets out of the front seat, goes around to the back and pulls Jake out of the car with a burlap sack over his head. He leads him out of the car onto the lawn with his family waiting)
Jonnie Valentine: Ok, you can't see right?
Jake: No, and to be honest, this sack is triggering my PTSD from when I was captured by Taliban forces....
Jonnie Valentine: Jiminy Christmas, Jake. We're not the Taliban, we're HGTV. It's totally different. For the most part. And (pulls burlap sack off his head) Ta-dah!!
Jake: Wow....
(Jake's house has been replaced with a miniature castle, with hissing alligators in the moat, complete with a drawbridge, a keep, and a motte)
Jake: I don't believe it. I mean, it kind of looks like a miniature golf park, but it's amazing. The drawbridge is great for my son's wheelchair. Are these alligators going to survive a Michigan winter?
Jonnie Valentine: Goodness no. You'll have to keep them inside until...when does it get warm here?
Jake's Wife: Like June?
Jonnie Valentine: There you go. Like June. You see? I can make everyone happy. (looks to the camera) You want to hear some happy people, wait till you hear that crowd, Miss Diss. The ring will shake under your feet. The chants will be deafening. It's not easy to remember your game plan when everything I do makes the building shake. Because this isn't fighting for my life in a haunted jail, this isn't the world's most complicated 10 man tag match that to this day I still don't understand. No, this is a wrestling match. Something I've won thousands of. I've won so many matches it's like breathing to me. You can go back to your library and watch me through the years, until you run out of formats they carry my matches on. Fireside needs star power, Miss Diss, and whoever gets the World Championship will be a trivia question after I quickly take it off of them. Philadelphia is my town. Hell, they're all my towns. But in a couple weeks, it'll be where I take my god given place as the number one contender and take this company to the next level.
Jake: Um...my daughter is getting kind of close to that pot up there?
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, yeah, I would grab her. That's the boiling oil.
Jake: Boiling oi-...for what?
Jonnie Valentine: For wha-...for your enemies. Hordes of marauders? (chuckles) I'm starting to get why we're still in Afghanistan, Jake.
Jake: (runs) Kelsey!!
Kelly Thomas: So join us next week where we take an elderly woman in Northern California who's house burned in the wildfires, and turn it into an impenetrable fortress of darkness. On King of the Castle!
(Theme music plays as Jonnie and Kelly wave goodbye. The credits roll over them)
