Jonnie Valentine's (Belated) Canadian Thanksgiving Special
Nov 14, 2020 20:51:01 GMT -5
bloodiedfox, Justin, and 2 more like this
Post by Jonnie Valentine on Nov 14, 2020 20:51:01 GMT -5
("Keep On Rocking In The Free World" by Neil Young plays as the graphic "CBC Presents The Jonnie Valentine's (Belated) Canadian Thanksgiving Special" fades onto the screen. The shot then fades to Jonnie sitting by a crackling fireplace at his "palatial estate" in front of a live studio audience, sipping from his mug that reads "I'm Not Perfect, But I'm Canadian Which Is Pretty Much The Same Thing")
"The Canadian Tom Hanks" Jonnie Valentine: Oh, hello. Boy, it sure is cold outside isn't it? But us Canadians are used to that, eh? Why don't you sit over here by the fire and warm up.
(warms his hands over the fire)
Jonnie Valentine: Ah. You feel that? That's Pure Canadian seasoned birch. The only kind of firewood I use. Can I offer you something? (holds up mug) Maple syrup? Greg, my assistant is still putting the finishing touches on our exquisite meal, but he's provided these wonderful apéritifs to start with. Let's see, we have Canadian bacon wrapped scallops. Tiny waffle and egg sliders. Some Montreal smoked meats.
(Animated history lesson begins. The English stick figures are wearing beefeater hats and the French are wearing berets)
Now, as you know, Canadian Thanksgiving is the day the World celebrates when the English, starving and at their wits end, were shown by their French neighbors how to make poutine. The English were no longer hungry.
(English stick figures celebrate)
English: Jolly good!
"How can we repay you?" asked the English. "Huh, huh, huh" said the French. "You see, ve are also starving, because zee bears have eaten all our beavers. And now zee bears live in our homes, and zay make our wives cook zem salmon. And zay are so picky about how zee salmon is cooked, zat zay eat our wives if zey do not cook it to zare specific instructions." Then all the French cried.
(The French stick figures have tears come out of their heads)
French: WAHHH!!
"Chin up, stiff upper lip." The English said, who had never experienced emotions before. "We will go talk to these bears, and see if we cannot come to an understanding." So the French took the English to Quebec, where the bears had set up a Utopian society with minority protections for beavers and a thriving economy based on honey as a currency. "Be nice to French people!" The English demanded. The bears replied. "We have tried, but their wives are terrible cooks. The salmon is dry and unseasoned, plus all they want is sex. They never ask us about our day or try to tap into our innermost feelings..." But it was a trap. As the English distracted the bears by pretending to care about their emotions, the French launched a surprise attack, using their musketeer swords to chase the bears back into the woods, where God intended.
(The French and English sit at a long rectangular table, clinking beer steins)
So every year, we celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving, the day the English and French bonded together to overthrow bear tyranny.
(The doorbell rings and we return to Jonnie Valentine's home)
Jonnie Valentine: Ah! Who could that be?
(Jonnie Valentine gets up and answers the door. Standing in the snow in scarfs are Michael Bublé and Deadmau5. The studio audience gives a huge ovation for the pair)
Jonnie Valentine: Why, it's Canadian music legends Michael Bublé and Deadmau5! So good of you to come.
Michael Bublé: You know I would never miss a Belated Canadian Thanksgiving with you! This is the day we celebrate Michael J Fox winning the 1988 Emmy Award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series.
Jonnie Valentine: Of course, Come on in!
(Michael Bublé and Deadmau5 come in and hang their scarfs on the coat rack)
Deadmau5: (makes kazoo noises for communication)
Michael Bublé: Deadmau5 says he's sorry he didn't bring his turn tables.
Jonnie Valentine: That's OK, I'm sure we...
Deadmau5: (makes kazoo noises for communication)
Michael Bublé: Deadmau5 says he's just kidding. He brought a U-Haul with all of his equipment. He just needs two hours to set up the lighting equipment.
Jonnie Valentine: Well, what are you waiting for?
Deadmau5: (makes kazoo noises that sound like "OK!")
(Deadmau5 runs through the door and bangs into Jason Priestly)
Jason Priestly: Am I late?
(Jason looks to the camera and gets a long pop from the studio audience)
Jonnie Valentine: Jason Priest....
(Audience is still applauding. Jonnie and Jason stand awkwardly waiting for the applause to die down. Finally it does and Jonnie starts again)
Jonnie Valentine: Jason Priestly, from Beverly Hills 90210! What have you been doing??
Jason Priestly: Nothing!
(Audience laughs)
Jonnie Valentine: (laughs) No, but seriously. What have you been up to?
Jason Priestly: Nothing!
(Audience gives a polite laugh)
Jonnie Valentine: Right, right. So...what's been going on, man?
Jason Priestly: Nothing. (dejected) Nothing, man. It's...it's pretty bleak out there. This is...this is really all I got. I was so glad when you called cause I heard you were going to go with Michael Cera and I got so scared...
Jonnie Valentine: (touches his shoulder) It's OK, man. It's ok. Go get a cup of syrup.
Jason Priestly: (exhales) Thanks, man, yeah I gotta get some syrup.
(Jonnie goes to close the door and Keifer Sutherland puts his foot in the door. He's got a cigarette hanging from his lip)
Keifer Sutherland: Hey!
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, hey Keifer.
Keifer Sutherland: I brought some Mooseheads but I wound up drinking em all in the car. There was traffic on the bridge.
Jason Priestly: Really? I just came over the bridge and...
Keifer Sutherland: (flicks cigarette at Jason Priestly's eye) Hey! Luke Perry! No one asked you.
Jonnie Valentine: Guys, guys. Let's not do this again. Keifer, thank you, it's the thought that counts.
Keifer Sutherland: (burps) Yeah whatever, So are we gonna eat or what? I'm starving. The hotel I'm living at didn't have the continental breakfast today because the manager's in labor.
(Greg, The Assistant wheelies through the door carrying a roasted turkey)
Greg, The Assistant: I hope everyone is hungry!
(Everyone goes to sit at the table. Power drills are heard in the background as Deadmau5 assembles his lighting rigs)
Jonnie Valentine: Greg, this all looks lovely.
Michael Bublé: Jonnie, your wife didn't come?
Jonnie Valentine: Nah, she hates wrestling promos. I can relate. Have you ever sat through Eric Dane's? He jerks himself off so much you need a tissue to wipe the screen off afterwards. Poor guy. He's been Canadian Woody so long he's gotten jealous and scared when I Buzz Lightyear my way into his company. But don't worry Woody. Andy will still play with you from time to time, ya one armed loser. It's just now he's got the sauce. And no one puts down the sauce to play with the same old-same old.
Jason Priestly: But if your the Canadian Tom Hanks...
Jonnie Valentine: Eat your stuffing and quit mixing my metaphors, Dylan. (back to the camera) We were a great tag team you and I, Eric. For seven glorious minutes, we ruled the Canadian tag team scene. We both knew what the other was thinking. Of course, you were usually thinking, "How have I wrestled this long and only learned three moves?" or "God, why does my beard look like a broom fucked my face?" Together, we could have ruled this Winter Kingdom. With you taking a beating and me making the hot tag, we would be awash in all the denim and flannel this nation has to offer. But you couldn't stand that you've been replaced, could you, Cowboy? So you needed tricks and Dusty finishes to protect your precious little spot, but now you and me have a date in Mississauga, Ontario. No, not the date you usually have where your tinder date walks in to the coffee shop, sees you, walks right back out and texts that she's having car trouble. No, even more humiliating. You're going to find out why the ring shakes when they announce my name. You're gonna find out why I have so many belts my wife tries to sell them at garage sales. You're going to find out why you're time as Canada's Better Than Nothing is up, and why the Canadian Tom Hanks is gonna be the first face on the NPW open. Forks? You think I don't fork people? Don't try and hook a hooker, kid. I'll fork you till you beg the ref to pat me down next time.
Michael Bublé: Fork?
Jonnie Valentine: (takes a fork) Oh, thank you.
Keifer Sutherland: (raises his Labatt's) A toast.
(Everyone raises their glass)
Keifer Sutherland: (slurs) To the reason of Canadian Thanksgiving. The Edmonton Oilers winning the Cup in 85!
Everyone: To the Oilers!
(They all clink glasses, and then Deadmau5 drops the beat. Holograms, laser shows, and pulsating lights illuminate as Deadmau5 plays his number one song "Canadian Thanksgiving (Tom Green's Birthday)" as the studio audience dances)
"This has been The CBC Presents The Jonnie Valentine's (Belated) Canadian Thanksgiving Special! Coming up, Bizarre Rants And Painting with Nude Jim Carrey, already in progress"
(Cuts to a naked Jim Carrey tossing paint on a canvas on an easel, he periodically does his Grinch face)
Jim Carrey: And this represents my herpes, and all the people that tried to enrich themselves from it!!
"The Canadian Tom Hanks" Jonnie Valentine: Oh, hello. Boy, it sure is cold outside isn't it? But us Canadians are used to that, eh? Why don't you sit over here by the fire and warm up.
(warms his hands over the fire)
Jonnie Valentine: Ah. You feel that? That's Pure Canadian seasoned birch. The only kind of firewood I use. Can I offer you something? (holds up mug) Maple syrup? Greg, my assistant is still putting the finishing touches on our exquisite meal, but he's provided these wonderful apéritifs to start with. Let's see, we have Canadian bacon wrapped scallops. Tiny waffle and egg sliders. Some Montreal smoked meats.
(Animated history lesson begins. The English stick figures are wearing beefeater hats and the French are wearing berets)
Now, as you know, Canadian Thanksgiving is the day the World celebrates when the English, starving and at their wits end, were shown by their French neighbors how to make poutine. The English were no longer hungry.
(English stick figures celebrate)
English: Jolly good!
"How can we repay you?" asked the English. "Huh, huh, huh" said the French. "You see, ve are also starving, because zee bears have eaten all our beavers. And now zee bears live in our homes, and zay make our wives cook zem salmon. And zay are so picky about how zee salmon is cooked, zat zay eat our wives if zey do not cook it to zare specific instructions." Then all the French cried.
(The French stick figures have tears come out of their heads)
French: WAHHH!!
"Chin up, stiff upper lip." The English said, who had never experienced emotions before. "We will go talk to these bears, and see if we cannot come to an understanding." So the French took the English to Quebec, where the bears had set up a Utopian society with minority protections for beavers and a thriving economy based on honey as a currency. "Be nice to French people!" The English demanded. The bears replied. "We have tried, but their wives are terrible cooks. The salmon is dry and unseasoned, plus all they want is sex. They never ask us about our day or try to tap into our innermost feelings..." But it was a trap. As the English distracted the bears by pretending to care about their emotions, the French launched a surprise attack, using their musketeer swords to chase the bears back into the woods, where God intended.
(The French and English sit at a long rectangular table, clinking beer steins)
So every year, we celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving, the day the English and French bonded together to overthrow bear tyranny.
(The doorbell rings and we return to Jonnie Valentine's home)
Jonnie Valentine: Ah! Who could that be?
(Jonnie Valentine gets up and answers the door. Standing in the snow in scarfs are Michael Bublé and Deadmau5. The studio audience gives a huge ovation for the pair)
Jonnie Valentine: Why, it's Canadian music legends Michael Bublé and Deadmau5! So good of you to come.
Michael Bublé: You know I would never miss a Belated Canadian Thanksgiving with you! This is the day we celebrate Michael J Fox winning the 1988 Emmy Award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series.
Jonnie Valentine: Of course, Come on in!
(Michael Bublé and Deadmau5 come in and hang their scarfs on the coat rack)
Deadmau5: (makes kazoo noises for communication)
Michael Bublé: Deadmau5 says he's sorry he didn't bring his turn tables.
Jonnie Valentine: That's OK, I'm sure we...
Deadmau5: (makes kazoo noises for communication)
Michael Bublé: Deadmau5 says he's just kidding. He brought a U-Haul with all of his equipment. He just needs two hours to set up the lighting equipment.
Jonnie Valentine: Well, what are you waiting for?
Deadmau5: (makes kazoo noises that sound like "OK!")
(Deadmau5 runs through the door and bangs into Jason Priestly)
Jason Priestly: Am I late?
(Jason looks to the camera and gets a long pop from the studio audience)
Jonnie Valentine: Jason Priest....
(Audience is still applauding. Jonnie and Jason stand awkwardly waiting for the applause to die down. Finally it does and Jonnie starts again)
Jonnie Valentine: Jason Priestly, from Beverly Hills 90210! What have you been doing??
Jason Priestly: Nothing!
(Audience laughs)
Jonnie Valentine: (laughs) No, but seriously. What have you been up to?
Jason Priestly: Nothing!
(Audience gives a polite laugh)
Jonnie Valentine: Right, right. So...what's been going on, man?
Jason Priestly: Nothing. (dejected) Nothing, man. It's...it's pretty bleak out there. This is...this is really all I got. I was so glad when you called cause I heard you were going to go with Michael Cera and I got so scared...
Jonnie Valentine: (touches his shoulder) It's OK, man. It's ok. Go get a cup of syrup.
Jason Priestly: (exhales) Thanks, man, yeah I gotta get some syrup.
(Jonnie goes to close the door and Keifer Sutherland puts his foot in the door. He's got a cigarette hanging from his lip)
Keifer Sutherland: Hey!
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, hey Keifer.
Keifer Sutherland: I brought some Mooseheads but I wound up drinking em all in the car. There was traffic on the bridge.
Jason Priestly: Really? I just came over the bridge and...
Keifer Sutherland: (flicks cigarette at Jason Priestly's eye) Hey! Luke Perry! No one asked you.
Jonnie Valentine: Guys, guys. Let's not do this again. Keifer, thank you, it's the thought that counts.
Keifer Sutherland: (burps) Yeah whatever, So are we gonna eat or what? I'm starving. The hotel I'm living at didn't have the continental breakfast today because the manager's in labor.
(Greg, The Assistant wheelies through the door carrying a roasted turkey)
Greg, The Assistant: I hope everyone is hungry!
(Everyone goes to sit at the table. Power drills are heard in the background as Deadmau5 assembles his lighting rigs)
Jonnie Valentine: Greg, this all looks lovely.
Michael Bublé: Jonnie, your wife didn't come?
Jonnie Valentine: Nah, she hates wrestling promos. I can relate. Have you ever sat through Eric Dane's? He jerks himself off so much you need a tissue to wipe the screen off afterwards. Poor guy. He's been Canadian Woody so long he's gotten jealous and scared when I Buzz Lightyear my way into his company. But don't worry Woody. Andy will still play with you from time to time, ya one armed loser. It's just now he's got the sauce. And no one puts down the sauce to play with the same old-same old.
Jason Priestly: But if your the Canadian Tom Hanks...
Jonnie Valentine: Eat your stuffing and quit mixing my metaphors, Dylan. (back to the camera) We were a great tag team you and I, Eric. For seven glorious minutes, we ruled the Canadian tag team scene. We both knew what the other was thinking. Of course, you were usually thinking, "How have I wrestled this long and only learned three moves?" or "God, why does my beard look like a broom fucked my face?" Together, we could have ruled this Winter Kingdom. With you taking a beating and me making the hot tag, we would be awash in all the denim and flannel this nation has to offer. But you couldn't stand that you've been replaced, could you, Cowboy? So you needed tricks and Dusty finishes to protect your precious little spot, but now you and me have a date in Mississauga, Ontario. No, not the date you usually have where your tinder date walks in to the coffee shop, sees you, walks right back out and texts that she's having car trouble. No, even more humiliating. You're going to find out why the ring shakes when they announce my name. You're gonna find out why I have so many belts my wife tries to sell them at garage sales. You're going to find out why you're time as Canada's Better Than Nothing is up, and why the Canadian Tom Hanks is gonna be the first face on the NPW open. Forks? You think I don't fork people? Don't try and hook a hooker, kid. I'll fork you till you beg the ref to pat me down next time.
Michael Bublé: Fork?
Jonnie Valentine: (takes a fork) Oh, thank you.
Keifer Sutherland: (raises his Labatt's) A toast.
(Everyone raises their glass)
Keifer Sutherland: (slurs) To the reason of Canadian Thanksgiving. The Edmonton Oilers winning the Cup in 85!
Everyone: To the Oilers!
(They all clink glasses, and then Deadmau5 drops the beat. Holograms, laser shows, and pulsating lights illuminate as Deadmau5 plays his number one song "Canadian Thanksgiving (Tom Green's Birthday)" as the studio audience dances)
"This has been The CBC Presents The Jonnie Valentine's (Belated) Canadian Thanksgiving Special! Coming up, Bizarre Rants And Painting with Nude Jim Carrey, already in progress"
(Cuts to a naked Jim Carrey tossing paint on a canvas on an easel, he periodically does his Grinch face)
Jim Carrey: And this represents my herpes, and all the people that tried to enrich themselves from it!!
