S2 EP 13 - "Tijuana Wrestling Bibles" 5/25/18
Nov 16, 2020 3:16:45 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer and mosler like this
Post by radu on Nov 16, 2020 3:16:45 GMT -5
SWAT BACKYARD
"Tijuana Wrestling Bible"
Plaza Monumental de Tijuana
Tijuana, Baja California, Mexico
REPORT BY PAZ
The show starts with the TRON showing Beelzebozo at a local bar, where he's getting his pre-drink on for tonight's main event!
U-10 Title
"Simply Amazing" Spike Nelson vs. El Spikito
The idiot grandson mistakes one of the mini-estella for one of the children he's been terrorizing, picking a fight he cannot win. Nelson bumps hard for El Spikito, who is half the champion's size... and Nelson is a small champion to begin with. Spikito almost gets the three count with a spinning head scissors that leaves Spike wondering if anyone got the number of that truck? VILE VINCE VIPER CHARGES OUT OF THE BACK AS SPIKITO hits a mini-Space Flying Tiger Drop. Just when it looks like we have a new U-10 champion, VVV breaks up the pin with a steel chair. The referee is too afraid to say anything, as VVV pulls Spike on top for the three count.
Winner: SPIKE NELSON
Rating: * - it beat Spike defending against youths, but it still took the future Anzac Cup champions to handicap a mini for the win.
Post-Match: JEAN PIERRE CELINE appears on the TRON sneaking a bottle of red wine into his young son, because Hospitals don't allow wine, and he's french. Noticing the camera, JPC tells VVV that he is a dead man walking for robbing his child of its innocence. The kid really put it away. Watching this from the ring, Viper cowers behind his grandson, but when Spike calls the old man on it, VVV says "I'm watching your back" which Spike believes. Idiot.
BRUNO vs. Chupacabra Dave (w/Heathers)
Like 99% of Chupacabra Dave's offensive involves sucking goats, and since BRUNO is not a goat, Dave has the teeth kicked down his throat in short order.
Winner: BRUNO
Rating: SQUASH
Post-Match: HEATHERS tries to put the golden scarab from Cronos onto BRUNO's arm - only for him to toss her out of the ring.
Foster's BEER MAN (w/Rajiv Khan) vs. Corona Amigo
Foster's has put his beers reputation on the line against the Corona mascot, in an effort to win The Amigo's sick Italika wheels for his friend Khan. I don't know what kind of fares he thinks he'll be able to pick up on the motorcycle. Total clash of styles, as Foster's rugged brawling and Amigo's daredevil highflying go as well together as Corona and my palette. Eventually ZORK Nontext steals the motorcycle! As Rajiv Khan attempts to stop him, ZORK defends himself with an ELEVEN BLADE! Seeing his friend being attacked with a sharp object, Foster's comes out for the save - getting counted out in the process.
Winner: Corona Amigo
Rating: *1/2
Post-Match: As the announcers declare that Fosters is garbage and everyone should drink Corona, Rajiv realizes his friend has once again let him down and starts ranting at him. As the two argue in the aisle, ZORK cycles off to glory!
Bad Boy Briggs vs. Herbicide vs. Dandy de Terciopelo vs. Clavo Oxidado
A lot of spirited high flying by three of the competitors were not enough to get Triple B into the lucha spirit. Walking away from a tope con hilo, Briggs took Terciopelo out with a HARDLINE closeline.
Winner: Bad Boy Briggs
Rating: *
Post-Match: Briggs pulled off Clavo's mask like he had won it.
Zoran Sainovic vs. HEFE Hernandez
HEFE is the promoter of Atletismo Premier Mexico. There are many rumours that APM are going to become the new SWAT Mexico region, an he provided the local talent for the evening's card. It would make sense to keep him happy, and you on't want the curmudgeonly knife wielding manager anywhere near the APM head. The match goes as well as expected, with HEFE trying to play the local hero and Sainovic having none of it. Chain wrestling doesn't suit Zoran's 50s Memphis style, so after some awkward armdrags - The Mad Scientist uses some brass knuckles to break HEFE's leg.
Winner: HEFE Hernandez by DQ
Rating: -***
Post-Match: Hefe is stretchered out, effectively ending any shot of a SWAT Mexico. Aztec Dracula comes out of the back attempting to quell a riot, but as the APW stars are incensed what was suppose to be the tag action of the evening soon turns into a trios match.
Zoran Sainovic & The Samoan HIT Parade
VS.
El Hijo de AZTEC Dracula, Niño Huracán & Amante de los Espaguetis
Early in the match, Zoran nails the Hurricane Kid with piledriver on the ring apron - drawing another stretcher and teasing a riot. The HIT Parade seem extremely uncomfortable working with Zoran. Even as they try to work face, it's still a handicap match. A breakdance by BEEF KOs Espaguetis, at which point it becomes three on one. Aztec takes a pair of scissors to the forehead, but still continues on, soaking the canvas in blood. Even though its Zoran cheating and doing most of the weapon work, at one point Aztec just goes to town on Tooki. The two have a brutal exchange. Zoran eventually wakes Espaguetis up with smelling salts to lock on the Interrogation '94 for the submission.
Winners: Samoan HIT Parade & Zoran Sainovic
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: To stop the fans from burning the building down, Beef trips Zoran with his boom box, while Tooki kicks the scientist out of the ring. Zoran looks betrayed, and is foaming at the mouth as security escort him away. The Samoans, Hijo, & Espaguetis show mutual respect in the ring, trying to dance like they didn't just watch a region burn up.
ULTIMATE TITLE MATCH
Mascara Contra Mascara
Sirius Man <c> vs. ASTAROTH
Astaroth is the greatest tag wrestler in the history of the IGA, who bares a passing resemblance to one of the characters from the video game Soul Calibur II. VVV has been trying to tease Astaroth about it until he commits suicide, but thus far no luck. Sirius Man has held the Ultimate Title since the start of the season, but the belt was stolen by kleptomaniac ZORK Nontext... and just when it looked like Sirius was going to reclaim it, he was betrayed by his closest friend, ELEPHANT'S HEAD, leading the physical belt to go to the one guy that Sirius really can't beat. The title will be put on the line against the belt, but to really make Sirius' night suck, they have made it a mask versus mask match. Things go south IMMEDIATELY, when Astaroth KOs Sirius in the opening seconds then drags him on top for 3.
Winner: Sirius Man
Rating: DUD
Post-Match: Astaroth leaves the ULTIMATE BELT with Sirius, celebrating that he has finally lost his stupid mask and can go back to not looking like a video game character of the early 00s. Yes! VVV comes out of the back and says he won't honour such a fixed fight and Astaroth will STILL SEEK the cursed sword (burn). Livid, Astaroth charges after VVV who initially drags out Spike Nelson "to watch his back" before fleeing the rampaging tag specialist.
Sirius Man is out in the ring, reunited with the crown jewel of the SWAT promotion... with him out, ZORK Nontext peddles down the aisle on a stolen 120 cc Italika... managing to run over Sirius Man on his way to snatching the title. Waking up as his stomach is crushed by the back tire, Sirius reaches up to grab the belt... only to get TUSKED by Elephant's Head.
ULTIMATE TITLE
Mascara Contra Mascara
Sirius Man <c> vs. ELEPHANT'S HEAD
The Dog Faced Luchador is already coughing up blood from the start as the Elephant's Head repeated TUSKS his bruised ribs. A RAMPAGE into the corner tears one of the eye sockets from Sirius' mask. These two had an incredibly heated feud during the first season of Backyard, and even though its been close to a decade, they know each other incredibly well. As a result all of Sirius attempts at the Dog Star Shooter and Dog Star Driver are easily countered. Heavily damaged before the match even started, the bulk of the contest is the champion taking a KING SIZED BEATING from the much larger Elephant. Sirius tries to fight back with small packages and inside cradles for flash pins, but these just anger the larger man who goes to work with his razor sharp tusks. These two men are more defined by their masks than any other performer in backyard, its hard to cheer against either; but with so many near falls its hard not to expect Elephant to take it. Eventually Elephant tries to GORE Sirius again with those razor sharp tusks, only for Sirius to sidestep it - Elephant's TUSK gets stuck in the corner turnbuckle, and before he can free himself, Sirius pulls off a DOG DAYS sleeper which Elephant can't defend against.
Winner: Sirius Man
Rating: ***1/2
Post-match: Elephant unmasks in the ring, while Sirius Man looks sorry for his former rival, and sad at his still missing title.
LIQUID COURAGE IRON MAN
ACW Heavyweight Title
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly <c>
vs.
DINOSAUR BONES (w/Bill Stokes)
To set up the title match, Lucerio Villaini has claimed that Dinosaur Bones beat the champion on two separate occasions. Of course, the first victory was a forfeit from a tag match that Funny Business was unaware of, while the second win came from Bones pinning one of Friendly's ripoffs. That said, BONES is the CLEAR favourite with the crowd, who appreciates his double masks. This was called a "Liquid Courage" Iron Man match... the two men will wrestle for an hour, with the person with the most pins getting the title. The trick is, that every time a person is pinned they have to drink a bottle of 110 proof Mezcal.
Friendly starts things off by using his bag of tricks - which immediately draws a DQ. 1-0 for the challenger. You can get DQed in this fed? While DINOSAUR BONES shakes off the vicious sack attack, Beelzebozo downs his first bottle of Mezcal. He's barely finished drinking when a nasty tail swipe to the gut causes Friendly to spit up half his punishment. He doesn't like that at all. The two have a wild brawl around ringside, ending in a double countout. 2-1 for the challenger. The loss forces them both to down a bottle, fortunately since DINOSAUR's mouth is pantomime, he is basically pouring it down his suit rather than actually drink it. Beelzebozo has no such props... but is an alcoholic. Beelzebozo tumble rolls away from a bite attack, leaving only turnbuckle; then charges in with a rolling kneedrop to the back. A belly-to-back suplex sets the dinosaur up for a KNEE SLAPPER which gets 3. 2-2. Beelzebozo looks incredibly jealous as The Dread Lord knocks back another one. Pulling out a machete from his bag of tricks, Beelzebozo chops a quarter of the giant stuffed head off drawing another DQ on purpose. 3-2 for Bones. Quickly finishing off his third Mezcal, Beelzebozo stabs his giant stuffed opponent again looking for another bottle of stuff, only of the referee to become a little more lenient. Looks like if Buster wants to drink more he's going to have to go about this the hard way. Double DDT. Swinging Neckbreaker. A series of fist drops that take WAY more out of Buster than they do Bones, finally set up a KNOCK 'EM DEAD - with Buster trying to pull Dinosaur Bones on top of him, only he's too drunk and accidentally makes the pin. 3-3. Bones sucks down another Mescal, but looks like he's in serious discomfort like this one actually went in his real mouth. Buster tries to go for another belly-to-back suplex but is too drunk to walk at this point, and is going about the ring on his knees. The Dread Lord easily takes him down with a T-Rex Bomb for the 3 count. 4-3. This bottle of mezcal allows Buster Friendly to hulk back up to his feet, where he proceeds to tell the referee what a great guy he is. TRIASSIC CHOKE gets another knockout win. 5-3. Buster Friendly tells the referee he's an asshole for calling that, just the worst. The referee tries to give him another bottle of mezcal. Fuck you. no. i know what they want. not doing it for AN ASSHOLE. I can't stay mad at you. The belligerent slurring Beelzebozo starts to drink his fifth bottle, when a poorly timed TAIL SWIPE shatters the bottle. Beelzebozo attempts to lick his punishment off the canvas cutting himself in the process, before getting VIOLENTLY ANGRY with his best friend Dinosaur Bones for being a dick. Hitting a couple of clown car crashes without meaning it, and almost breaking his own neck tripping during two of them. Finally happy with one of the clown car crashes, Beelzebozo picks up another win. 5-4. As Dinosaur Bones is still filling his costume more than his stomach up with that powerful booze, Buster Friendly tries to do his balloon popping entrance for a little girl in the crowd, only to miss completely and toss his cigar into D. BONES suit. There is a sudden fireball as the liquor pooling inside the Dinosaur costume combusts. DINOSAUR BONES is a flaming mess, while Buster Friendly takes off his clown shoes, and looks at his feet for awhile. Trying to take his coat off, Buster falls backwards into another senton bomb for 3. 5-5. Forgetting who the match is against, Buster tries to wrestle Bill Stokes for awhile, but eventually Stokes and the referee help him back into the ring. Ripping out of his flaming dinosaur skin, D. BONES hits Buster with a series of double axe-handle chops before nailing the DREAD BREAKER. Meteor Crash picks up a convincing 3 count. 6-5. Beelzebozo looks apprehensive of drinking another bottle of Mescal, but he's so damned thirsty. He starts coughing up blood and choking as he finishes off this one. We are into the final five minutes with the challenger up one. Beelzebozo tries to take a nap, so Dinosaur Bones wraps his legs into the DREADLOCK! Beelzebozo is agonized, but also too numb to feel his legs being broken. Grabbing the flaming dinosaur tail, Buster Friendly tries to throw it back at Bones to break the hold, only to lose control of his motor functions and drop it on himself. The flames on Beelzebozo's back getting too hot, Dinosaur Bones lets go of his cloverleaf variation, and starts to go for a SCALED JUSTICE only to get pulled into the Whisky Lullaby. Bones struggles to get free, but for all his sharp elbows to Buster's ribs, its a mystery if the clown prince of chaos is even lucid. 6-6. The referee forces Dinosaur Bones to drink his first real bottle of the contest, which he seems to find entirely too strong / revolting. Beelzebozo tries to crawl over to the stash of Mezcal bottles remaining, only to start throwing up pools of gore and alcohol all over the ring. Dinosaur Bones hits a MISSING LINK, but before he can get the three count, the bell rings.
Winner: DRAW (6-6)
Rating: -***
Post-Match: Beelzebozo gets stretched out by concerned paramedics, while the audience applaud Dinosaur Bones efforts - so close to becoming champion.
TWINSTAR TITLES
Funny Business <c> vs. HOLY WEAPONS
With Beelzebozo strapped to a gurney and leaving a steady stream of sick on his way up the aisle, its up to Attila Balan alone to defend the TWINSTAR TITLES. They took on the Holy Weapons during the Gauntlet and got schooled. They may have wrestled thirteen other teams first, but there were two of them. The crowd go wild for the International Champion. I-Man wrestles smart and aggressively, avoiding double team, while hitting both member of the Weapons hard. There are a number of near falls, but the back and forth contest soon ends as TESTAMENT hits one of his devestating Divine Palm Strikes to the back of Balan's head for a 2.9. From that point on its a vicious double team, with Balan only barely holding on against the two. This would be a much better match if they weren't trying to avoid the upper left corner where the pool of sick used to be. As the get close to another time limit draw, Balan manages to take SACRIFICE out with an UPLOAD ERROR, before finishing TESTAMENT off with the Bleuler overdrive for a flash fall.
Winner: FUNNY BUSINESS
Rating: ***
Post-Match: Nuts and bolts falling out of the machine, I-Man is helped to the back by the Luchian Inc. pit crew to a standing ovation.
The Sirius match and the final tag were good, but if this is the best SWAT has to offer, I'd take a hard pass.
-PAZ
"Tijuana Wrestling Bible"
Plaza Monumental de Tijuana
Tijuana, Baja California, Mexico
REPORT BY PAZ
The show starts with the TRON showing Beelzebozo at a local bar, where he's getting his pre-drink on for tonight's main event!
U-10 Title
"Simply Amazing" Spike Nelson vs. El Spikito
The idiot grandson mistakes one of the mini-estella for one of the children he's been terrorizing, picking a fight he cannot win. Nelson bumps hard for El Spikito, who is half the champion's size... and Nelson is a small champion to begin with. Spikito almost gets the three count with a spinning head scissors that leaves Spike wondering if anyone got the number of that truck? VILE VINCE VIPER CHARGES OUT OF THE BACK AS SPIKITO hits a mini-Space Flying Tiger Drop. Just when it looks like we have a new U-10 champion, VVV breaks up the pin with a steel chair. The referee is too afraid to say anything, as VVV pulls Spike on top for the three count.
Winner: SPIKE NELSON
Rating: * - it beat Spike defending against youths, but it still took the future Anzac Cup champions to handicap a mini for the win.
Post-Match: JEAN PIERRE CELINE appears on the TRON sneaking a bottle of red wine into his young son, because Hospitals don't allow wine, and he's french. Noticing the camera, JPC tells VVV that he is a dead man walking for robbing his child of its innocence. The kid really put it away. Watching this from the ring, Viper cowers behind his grandson, but when Spike calls the old man on it, VVV says "I'm watching your back" which Spike believes. Idiot.
BRUNO vs. Chupacabra Dave (w/Heathers)
Like 99% of Chupacabra Dave's offensive involves sucking goats, and since BRUNO is not a goat, Dave has the teeth kicked down his throat in short order.
Winner: BRUNO
Rating: SQUASH
Post-Match: HEATHERS tries to put the golden scarab from Cronos onto BRUNO's arm - only for him to toss her out of the ring.
Foster's BEER MAN (w/Rajiv Khan) vs. Corona Amigo
Foster's has put his beers reputation on the line against the Corona mascot, in an effort to win The Amigo's sick Italika wheels for his friend Khan. I don't know what kind of fares he thinks he'll be able to pick up on the motorcycle. Total clash of styles, as Foster's rugged brawling and Amigo's daredevil highflying go as well together as Corona and my palette. Eventually ZORK Nontext steals the motorcycle! As Rajiv Khan attempts to stop him, ZORK defends himself with an ELEVEN BLADE! Seeing his friend being attacked with a sharp object, Foster's comes out for the save - getting counted out in the process.
Winner: Corona Amigo
Rating: *1/2
Post-Match: As the announcers declare that Fosters is garbage and everyone should drink Corona, Rajiv realizes his friend has once again let him down and starts ranting at him. As the two argue in the aisle, ZORK cycles off to glory!
Bad Boy Briggs vs. Herbicide vs. Dandy de Terciopelo vs. Clavo Oxidado
A lot of spirited high flying by three of the competitors were not enough to get Triple B into the lucha spirit. Walking away from a tope con hilo, Briggs took Terciopelo out with a HARDLINE closeline.
Winner: Bad Boy Briggs
Rating: *
Post-Match: Briggs pulled off Clavo's mask like he had won it.
Zoran Sainovic vs. HEFE Hernandez
HEFE is the promoter of Atletismo Premier Mexico. There are many rumours that APM are going to become the new SWAT Mexico region, an he provided the local talent for the evening's card. It would make sense to keep him happy, and you on't want the curmudgeonly knife wielding manager anywhere near the APM head. The match goes as well as expected, with HEFE trying to play the local hero and Sainovic having none of it. Chain wrestling doesn't suit Zoran's 50s Memphis style, so after some awkward armdrags - The Mad Scientist uses some brass knuckles to break HEFE's leg.
Winner: HEFE Hernandez by DQ
Rating: -***
Post-Match: Hefe is stretchered out, effectively ending any shot of a SWAT Mexico. Aztec Dracula comes out of the back attempting to quell a riot, but as the APW stars are incensed what was suppose to be the tag action of the evening soon turns into a trios match.
Zoran Sainovic & The Samoan HIT Parade
VS.
El Hijo de AZTEC Dracula, Niño Huracán & Amante de los Espaguetis
Early in the match, Zoran nails the Hurricane Kid with piledriver on the ring apron - drawing another stretcher and teasing a riot. The HIT Parade seem extremely uncomfortable working with Zoran. Even as they try to work face, it's still a handicap match. A breakdance by BEEF KOs Espaguetis, at which point it becomes three on one. Aztec takes a pair of scissors to the forehead, but still continues on, soaking the canvas in blood. Even though its Zoran cheating and doing most of the weapon work, at one point Aztec just goes to town on Tooki. The two have a brutal exchange. Zoran eventually wakes Espaguetis up with smelling salts to lock on the Interrogation '94 for the submission.
Winners: Samoan HIT Parade & Zoran Sainovic
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: To stop the fans from burning the building down, Beef trips Zoran with his boom box, while Tooki kicks the scientist out of the ring. Zoran looks betrayed, and is foaming at the mouth as security escort him away. The Samoans, Hijo, & Espaguetis show mutual respect in the ring, trying to dance like they didn't just watch a region burn up.
ULTIMATE TITLE MATCH
Mascara Contra Mascara
Sirius Man <c> vs. ASTAROTH
Astaroth is the greatest tag wrestler in the history of the IGA, who bares a passing resemblance to one of the characters from the video game Soul Calibur II. VVV has been trying to tease Astaroth about it until he commits suicide, but thus far no luck. Sirius Man has held the Ultimate Title since the start of the season, but the belt was stolen by kleptomaniac ZORK Nontext... and just when it looked like Sirius was going to reclaim it, he was betrayed by his closest friend, ELEPHANT'S HEAD, leading the physical belt to go to the one guy that Sirius really can't beat. The title will be put on the line against the belt, but to really make Sirius' night suck, they have made it a mask versus mask match. Things go south IMMEDIATELY, when Astaroth KOs Sirius in the opening seconds then drags him on top for 3.
Winner: Sirius Man
Rating: DUD
Post-Match: Astaroth leaves the ULTIMATE BELT with Sirius, celebrating that he has finally lost his stupid mask and can go back to not looking like a video game character of the early 00s. Yes! VVV comes out of the back and says he won't honour such a fixed fight and Astaroth will STILL SEEK the cursed sword (burn). Livid, Astaroth charges after VVV who initially drags out Spike Nelson "to watch his back" before fleeing the rampaging tag specialist.
Sirius Man is out in the ring, reunited with the crown jewel of the SWAT promotion... with him out, ZORK Nontext peddles down the aisle on a stolen 120 cc Italika... managing to run over Sirius Man on his way to snatching the title. Waking up as his stomach is crushed by the back tire, Sirius reaches up to grab the belt... only to get TUSKED by Elephant's Head.
ULTIMATE TITLE
Mascara Contra Mascara
Sirius Man <c> vs. ELEPHANT'S HEAD
The Dog Faced Luchador is already coughing up blood from the start as the Elephant's Head repeated TUSKS his bruised ribs. A RAMPAGE into the corner tears one of the eye sockets from Sirius' mask. These two had an incredibly heated feud during the first season of Backyard, and even though its been close to a decade, they know each other incredibly well. As a result all of Sirius attempts at the Dog Star Shooter and Dog Star Driver are easily countered. Heavily damaged before the match even started, the bulk of the contest is the champion taking a KING SIZED BEATING from the much larger Elephant. Sirius tries to fight back with small packages and inside cradles for flash pins, but these just anger the larger man who goes to work with his razor sharp tusks. These two men are more defined by their masks than any other performer in backyard, its hard to cheer against either; but with so many near falls its hard not to expect Elephant to take it. Eventually Elephant tries to GORE Sirius again with those razor sharp tusks, only for Sirius to sidestep it - Elephant's TUSK gets stuck in the corner turnbuckle, and before he can free himself, Sirius pulls off a DOG DAYS sleeper which Elephant can't defend against.
Winner: Sirius Man
Rating: ***1/2
Post-match: Elephant unmasks in the ring, while Sirius Man looks sorry for his former rival, and sad at his still missing title.
LIQUID COURAGE IRON MAN
ACW Heavyweight Title
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly <c>
vs.
DINOSAUR BONES (w/Bill Stokes)
To set up the title match, Lucerio Villaini has claimed that Dinosaur Bones beat the champion on two separate occasions. Of course, the first victory was a forfeit from a tag match that Funny Business was unaware of, while the second win came from Bones pinning one of Friendly's ripoffs. That said, BONES is the CLEAR favourite with the crowd, who appreciates his double masks. This was called a "Liquid Courage" Iron Man match... the two men will wrestle for an hour, with the person with the most pins getting the title. The trick is, that every time a person is pinned they have to drink a bottle of 110 proof Mezcal.
Friendly starts things off by using his bag of tricks - which immediately draws a DQ. 1-0 for the challenger. You can get DQed in this fed? While DINOSAUR BONES shakes off the vicious sack attack, Beelzebozo downs his first bottle of Mezcal. He's barely finished drinking when a nasty tail swipe to the gut causes Friendly to spit up half his punishment. He doesn't like that at all. The two have a wild brawl around ringside, ending in a double countout. 2-1 for the challenger. The loss forces them both to down a bottle, fortunately since DINOSAUR's mouth is pantomime, he is basically pouring it down his suit rather than actually drink it. Beelzebozo has no such props... but is an alcoholic. Beelzebozo tumble rolls away from a bite attack, leaving only turnbuckle; then charges in with a rolling kneedrop to the back. A belly-to-back suplex sets the dinosaur up for a KNEE SLAPPER which gets 3. 2-2. Beelzebozo looks incredibly jealous as The Dread Lord knocks back another one. Pulling out a machete from his bag of tricks, Beelzebozo chops a quarter of the giant stuffed head off drawing another DQ on purpose. 3-2 for Bones. Quickly finishing off his third Mezcal, Beelzebozo stabs his giant stuffed opponent again looking for another bottle of stuff, only of the referee to become a little more lenient. Looks like if Buster wants to drink more he's going to have to go about this the hard way. Double DDT. Swinging Neckbreaker. A series of fist drops that take WAY more out of Buster than they do Bones, finally set up a KNOCK 'EM DEAD - with Buster trying to pull Dinosaur Bones on top of him, only he's too drunk and accidentally makes the pin. 3-3. Bones sucks down another Mescal, but looks like he's in serious discomfort like this one actually went in his real mouth. Buster tries to go for another belly-to-back suplex but is too drunk to walk at this point, and is going about the ring on his knees. The Dread Lord easily takes him down with a T-Rex Bomb for the 3 count. 4-3. This bottle of mezcal allows Buster Friendly to hulk back up to his feet, where he proceeds to tell the referee what a great guy he is. TRIASSIC CHOKE gets another knockout win. 5-3. Buster Friendly tells the referee he's an asshole for calling that, just the worst. The referee tries to give him another bottle of mezcal. Fuck you. no. i know what they want. not doing it for AN ASSHOLE. I can't stay mad at you. The belligerent slurring Beelzebozo starts to drink his fifth bottle, when a poorly timed TAIL SWIPE shatters the bottle. Beelzebozo attempts to lick his punishment off the canvas cutting himself in the process, before getting VIOLENTLY ANGRY with his best friend Dinosaur Bones for being a dick. Hitting a couple of clown car crashes without meaning it, and almost breaking his own neck tripping during two of them. Finally happy with one of the clown car crashes, Beelzebozo picks up another win. 5-4. As Dinosaur Bones is still filling his costume more than his stomach up with that powerful booze, Buster Friendly tries to do his balloon popping entrance for a little girl in the crowd, only to miss completely and toss his cigar into D. BONES suit. There is a sudden fireball as the liquor pooling inside the Dinosaur costume combusts. DINOSAUR BONES is a flaming mess, while Buster Friendly takes off his clown shoes, and looks at his feet for awhile. Trying to take his coat off, Buster falls backwards into another senton bomb for 3. 5-5. Forgetting who the match is against, Buster tries to wrestle Bill Stokes for awhile, but eventually Stokes and the referee help him back into the ring. Ripping out of his flaming dinosaur skin, D. BONES hits Buster with a series of double axe-handle chops before nailing the DREAD BREAKER. Meteor Crash picks up a convincing 3 count. 6-5. Beelzebozo looks apprehensive of drinking another bottle of Mescal, but he's so damned thirsty. He starts coughing up blood and choking as he finishes off this one. We are into the final five minutes with the challenger up one. Beelzebozo tries to take a nap, so Dinosaur Bones wraps his legs into the DREADLOCK! Beelzebozo is agonized, but also too numb to feel his legs being broken. Grabbing the flaming dinosaur tail, Buster Friendly tries to throw it back at Bones to break the hold, only to lose control of his motor functions and drop it on himself. The flames on Beelzebozo's back getting too hot, Dinosaur Bones lets go of his cloverleaf variation, and starts to go for a SCALED JUSTICE only to get pulled into the Whisky Lullaby. Bones struggles to get free, but for all his sharp elbows to Buster's ribs, its a mystery if the clown prince of chaos is even lucid. 6-6. The referee forces Dinosaur Bones to drink his first real bottle of the contest, which he seems to find entirely too strong / revolting. Beelzebozo tries to crawl over to the stash of Mezcal bottles remaining, only to start throwing up pools of gore and alcohol all over the ring. Dinosaur Bones hits a MISSING LINK, but before he can get the three count, the bell rings.
Winner: DRAW (6-6)
Rating: -***
Post-Match: Beelzebozo gets stretched out by concerned paramedics, while the audience applaud Dinosaur Bones efforts - so close to becoming champion.
TWINSTAR TITLES
Funny Business <c> vs. HOLY WEAPONS
With Beelzebozo strapped to a gurney and leaving a steady stream of sick on his way up the aisle, its up to Attila Balan alone to defend the TWINSTAR TITLES. They took on the Holy Weapons during the Gauntlet and got schooled. They may have wrestled thirteen other teams first, but there were two of them. The crowd go wild for the International Champion. I-Man wrestles smart and aggressively, avoiding double team, while hitting both member of the Weapons hard. There are a number of near falls, but the back and forth contest soon ends as TESTAMENT hits one of his devestating Divine Palm Strikes to the back of Balan's head for a 2.9. From that point on its a vicious double team, with Balan only barely holding on against the two. This would be a much better match if they weren't trying to avoid the upper left corner where the pool of sick used to be. As the get close to another time limit draw, Balan manages to take SACRIFICE out with an UPLOAD ERROR, before finishing TESTAMENT off with the Bleuler overdrive for a flash fall.
Winner: FUNNY BUSINESS
Rating: ***
Post-Match: Nuts and bolts falling out of the machine, I-Man is helped to the back by the Luchian Inc. pit crew to a standing ovation.
The Sirius match and the final tag were good, but if this is the best SWAT has to offer, I'd take a hard pass.
-PAZ