S2 EP 15 - "Four Corner Splash" 6/8/18
Nov 16, 2020 4:07:25 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer and mosler like this
Post by radu on Nov 16, 2020 4:07:25 GMT -5
SWAT Backyard presents
"Four Corner Splash"
6/8/18
from the Flanders Sports Arena
Ghent, Belgium
Backyard has really been pushing the boundaries of good taste this season, but THIS is the show that looks like it will finally have their plug pulled. The heavyweight title match is infamous. No DVDs exist, but I've been able to piece together most of the card through youtube clips.
U-10 Championship
"Simply Amazing" Spike Nelson <c> vs. Rickets Shaw
Before the match can get underway, Rajiv Khan races out of the back and assaults Rickets - mistaking him for Rick Shaw the rickshaw driver, as oppose to Rickets Shaw - the 9-year-old with weak bones. By the time Khan has realized his mistake, Spike picks up an easy win.
Winner: Spike Nelson
Rating: -***
Post-Match: Ricket's father, RICK, comes into the arena dragging Foster's BEER Man in his rickshaw. Foster's asks Rajiv Khan if he's found a new cab yet --- while the two are shooting the shit, RICK notices his son lying in a broken heap and demands answers. Never one to own up to his own mistakes, Spike Nelson blames Foster's Beer Man which sets up...
Rickets Revenge
"Medium Coolie" Rick Shaw & "Simply Amazing" Spike Nelson vs. "Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's BEER Man & Rajiv Khan
Having forgotten that he was supposed to beat up the kid, and feeling quite incensed, Spike Nelson is ON FIRE looking to help this stranger he's mistaken for his friend. Foster's tries to explain the situation, only to recieve a facewash. Spike Cutter gets 2.9. Forgetting about his quest for revenge, Spike starts breakdancing. Rajiv tags in, stopping the dance display with a moonsault for 2. Running knee after bouncing off the ropes gets 2.5. Rajiv Khan puts the Anzac Cup winner into the Scorn of Civilization, only to have Rick Shaw break it with a bulldog. Tag. Slingshot splash gets 2. Rapid fire fists send the cabbie around the ring. Double closeline. Shaw tries to tag out, only to find that Spike is distracted by a butterfly. Foster's in with a Boomer Smash. Follows up an Irish whip with a Vegemite Sandwich. Follows up with a second vegemite sandwich. Realizing his distraction has cost his partner, Spike pulls out a cellphone and uses the internet browser. What is he looking for, pornography? No. This is Spike Nelson, he's probably looking up skateboard tricks. Foster's Beer Man thinks that phone MIGHT have internet pornography on it though, so when Spike tosses the phone out of the ring, Foster's is quick to tag out and abandon the good fight. With Rajiv left on his own, Shaw & Nelson take the good fight to him. The double team is one-sided, until Zoran Sainovic comes out from under the ring and sprays Spike in the face with MOOSE MACE. Blinded the Under-10 champion falls out of the ring, leaving Rick Shaw alone to eat a mafia kick to the throat for a quick roll-up.
Winner: "Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's BEER Man & Rajiv Khan
Rating: * (Khan had just beaten up a child, and was portrayed as the good guy)
Post-Match: Rajiv Khan confronts Foster's BEER Man for abandoning him. Fosters apologizes... he has a crippling addiction to internet pornography. Khan starts to soften. "Hey, you've vowed to get me a new cab... the least I can do is vow to get your over your porn addiction." The super friends raise each other's arms to a mixed reaction, as Rick Shaw is still looking after his unconscious child. FBM tosses a Rick a cold Fosters, saying that its a rich source of Vitamen D which helps cure rickets. Khan, Beer Man, Shaw, and Shaw Jr all stand around the ring drinking Foster's Beer to the delight of all. ..........
In the aisle, Zoran Sainovic brutalizes his blinded archenemy, Spike Nelson - drawing out Vile "Vince" Viper, before VVV can school the old man attacking his grandson, The Industrial Man comes out to a massive pop. Getting in Viper's face, Balan DEMANDS that he cancels the heavyweight title match - stating that its inhumane to take advantage of Beelzebozo's alcoholism. Brushing off the robot's concerns, VVV brings up that the Samoan HIT Parade pinned Balan back at Anzac Cup GAIDEN, and the bucket of bolts will have his work cut out defending his own title. Before Balan can object to the unscheduled defence, Viper NAILS HIM with the Satan's strut...
International Title Match
"Industrial Man" Attila Balan <c> vs. DJ Tooki (w/The BEEF)
I-Man is blinded and crawling around the ring, while DJ Tooki doesn't want to take advantage of the situation, counting Balan as a friend. Up on the aisle, The Luau Mafia attack BEEF. From the stage, VVV tells Tooki "IF YOU DON'T TAKE OUT THAT RUST BUCKET, THEY'LL TAKE IT OUT ON YOUR PARTNER!" TC2000 and Icepick-T hold BEEF up like a rod while Magnum LM & Master Higgins limbo under him with sharp hats. Hoping to save Beef, a conflicted DJ Tooki nails the CHECK IT for 1.5. Smooth Walker gets 2.5. Hustle Flow gets 2.9. Another Smooth Walker send Balan over the top rope to the floor. At around the 8 count, Tooki slingshots out to the floor with a double knee. Shoulderblocking Balan into the ringpost, Tooki goes for the repeater Samoan Spike - Iman busted wide open. On the seventh spike, Balan ducks, letting Tooki drive his hand into guardrail. Grabbing the injured hand, Balan armdrags him into the steel steps, before the two big men start brawling around on the outside. Ducking a mechanized closeline, Tooki SAMOAN DROPS Balan onto the concrete floor. A second Samoan Drop sees Balan coughing up motor oil. A smoothwalker sends Balan through the timekeeper's table. The referee declares the match a double count out, but VVV insists that it continues. Tooki Samoan Drops Balan into the steel steps before throwing him back into the ring. COMINGATCHA gets reversed into a bodyslam. 2. Bleuler Overdrive sets Tooki down for 2.9. Mechanized Closeline gets 2.99999999 but Tooki continues to rally despite Balan taking his head off. Unaware of Beef's predicament, Balan brushes off a Smooth Walker attempt and nails a DATA Purge for 3.
Winner: "The Industrial Man" Attila Balan
Rating: **3/4
Post-Match: A beaten Tooki directs Balan's attention to the entranceway just as The Luau Mafia throw BEEF off the entrance ramp to the floor. Outraged, Balan charges towards the Mafia who brawl with him to the back.
Falls Count Anywhere
Bad Boy Briggs vs. Arthur Gillard
This is the most fragmented match with dozens of twenty second clips. Presumably it was prerecorded, used to promote the event, an the footage was cut throughout the show to cover the passage of time? Its just Briggs and a local working getting into fistfights at various landmarks from the Ghent City Centre to Gravensten. It's too choppy to rate, but what remains does look inspired; eventually Briggs makes a cover.
Winner: Bad Boy Briggs
Rating: JIP
Post-Match: Briggs throws Gillard off St. Michael's bridge.
Debut
"New York Ninja" Nick Carlin vs FlatEarth WARRIOR (w/FlatEarthers)
Test of strength is won by the Warrior, who fires Calin into the ropes, following up with a closeline which is turned into tiger spin arm drag. Warrior sits up into a rolling kuppo kick. Senton splash gets a 1 count before Warrior powers out. Following through the momentum, Carlin comes out of the corner with a shotgun corner dropkick, which gets 2 before Flatearther #2 gets up on the apron to distract the referee. Carlin knocks Flatearther #2 to the floor with a pelekick. The distraction lets WARRIOR get back in control who blindsides Carlin with a knee to the back. A series of double axehandle chops take Carlin down to his knees. Warrior charges into the ropes then rebounds for a BLE only for Carlin to backdrop him over the top rope. Warrior lands hard on the apron - extremely uncomfortable around edges due to his questionable sense of geography. A standing dropkick knocks Warrior from the apron to the floor - he screams like he fell off the face of the earth. Flatearthers #1 & 2 check on their fallen comrade, only for Carlin to wipe all three men out with a slingshot moonsault to the outside. Carlin throws Warrior back in, before rolling under a leg lariat from Flatearther #1. The crowd pops hard as the New York Ninja drills #1 with a backslide driver on the floor. In the ring, Warrior distracts the referee while on the outside #2 chokes Carlin from behind. A few elbows to the ribs loosens the choke, allowing Carlin to jump into the guardrail and backflip out of it. #2 tries to follow-up only to eat a butterfly kick. As the referee gets to an 8 count, Carlin judo throws Flatearther #2 into the prone #1, before sliding back into the ring. Carlin rolls out of the way of a big elbow, and another one. Goes for a standing dropkick, only to have Warrior side step it. Warrior goes for another big elbow, only to again miss. As Warrior sits up, Carlin snaps off a running front dropkick for 2. Carlin starts to go for the Rocke-Feller Locke, only for Warrior to get into the ropes. Carlin tries to hiptoss him out of them, only for the bigger man to put on the breaks and decapitate him with a closeline. Big elbow gets 2. A botched LTE gets 2.5. Warrior tries to repeat the LTE spot, only for Carlin to wiggle out. Rolling Savate kick is barely dodged. Flatearther #2 holds Carlin's foot from the outside, keeping him from dodging double kneestrike. Warrior grabs Carlin by the throat to go for a Raging Chokeslam only for the New York Ninja to wrap his legs around the outstretched arm for flying crossarm breaker. Warrior taps immediately.
Winner: "New York Ninja" Nick Carlin
Rating: ***
Post-Match: The FlatEarthers attack, only for Carlin to disappear in a cloud of smoke. ...Well, he kind of walks slowly out of the cloud, leaving the earthers to cough. On his way out - Carlin almost trips on a ninja star sticking out of the canvas... The Original Red Ninja has taken notice.
In the back, Beelzebozo is watching Stand By Me while eating raw eggs. A beaten Industrial Man begs his friend to rethink tonight's defense, but Buster informs him that "a man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do..."
SWAT ULTIMATE Title
Sirius Man <c> vs. Roxy
While most of the matches exist in their entirety on youtube, but I can only find clips of this one. JIP. Roxy doesn't believe that Sirius is champion because he doesn't have the belt. JIP. Sirius insists that he IS a champion, but that Zork Nontext stole it. JIP. Trading near falls with a chain sequence of various roll ups.
JIP. Alex Turner doesn't know why Roxy is wasting her time wrestling jobbers, Sirius excited explains his standing in the company, but Roxy thinks its a line. JIP. Sirius locks on a bearhug, only for Turner to pull his legs out, letting Roxy fall on top for a near fall. JIP. Roxy has Sirius in a figure-four. In the background, ZORK Nontext poses with fans for autographs with the belt - Sirius tries to point this out but Roxy won't pay attention, too busy trying to win the title. JIP. On the floor, Sirius starts to set Alex Turner up for a Dog Star Driver, only for Roxy to dive on both of them with a flying crossbody block. JIP. Furious that Zork got away, Sirius Man sets Roxy up for the Shooting Dog Star only for the bell to ring.
Winner: DRAW (time limit)
Rating: Impossible to say.
Post-Match: Sirius Man looks depressed, so Roxy and Alex Turner steal a plastic belt from a child in the audience to cheer him up. Now he can continue to pretend to be champion. Sirius melts down: "I'M NOT PRETENDING!!!"
MAIN EVENT
ACW Heavyweight Title
Four Corners Match
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly <c> vs. "The Dread Lord" DINOSAUR BONES
These two have spent the last month battling each other in a series of "Happy Hour" matches. Hour-long iron man matches with a drinking element attached to each pinfall - they have all seen known alcoholic Beelzebozo succumb to alcohol poisoning. In an effort to finally one-up the obscene overbooking of the more traditional SWAT regions, Viper has raised the stakes for this climactic encounter.
FOUR CORNERS OF VOMIT. To win you have to throw up on all four ring posts. ...yes. And if you get interrupted you need to start over again from the top. ...yes.
I am only reviewing this so you don't have to watch it.
Dinosaur Bones is a giant pantomime dinosaur - and has a hose sticking out of his fake mouth that shoots water. Pumping his right arm to set off the hose, Bones effortlessly sprays the first - second - third - Beelzebozo gets the belt up to protect the fourth post - then rams it into Bones' face, knocking the dinosaur silly. Pulling out his bag of tricks, Friendly beats Dinosaur black and blue with the heavy sack before reaching in and pulling out some Ovaltine. That'll do it. Beelzebozo nails the first post, then the second, before Dinosaur takes him down with a tail sweep. Stomps a hole in him. Standing on Beelzebozo's throat, Bones starts pumping that arm again - one - two -as he reaches the third, Beelzebozo low blows him with a frying pan. Frying Pan shot to the head is no sold because it might not hit the real head inside the costume, so Beelzebozo keeps trying and trying. With every shot, empty beer cans fall out of Beelzebozo's trench coat... belgian brands - the locals must be very proud. Having beaten Bones into submission, Beelzebozo staggers back over to the third turnbuckle only for the referee to tell him he needs to start over again from the top. Really. Buster gets sick on the first turnbuckle... then heads to the second... he seems pretty dehydrated, and has nothing left in him. Reaching into his bag, Beelzebozo starts to down a bottle of tequila, alternating with another Ovaltine. Sitting up, Bones starts pumping his arm again to spray water at the first, then second, then third... before Beelzebozo reaches down the beasts throat and yanks out the tubes. Beelzebozo hits the first - at this point I finally decide to jump ahead. Fast forward to the fourth post and Dinosaur Bones pulls Friendly off of it with a belly-to-back suplex. Bones tries to shoot again, only to find his fake vomit apparatus broken, and the thought of not cheating to be too revolting. To weak to stand, Beelzebozo asks what the hold up is. When Bones registers his disgust, Beelzebozo calls him a pussy... and starts watching a Psychotic Goth promo on his phone. That starts the dry heaving. The video makes Beelzebozo physically sick, but nothing comes out. Paramedics race down as the clown seems ready to collapse, but his fighting spirit keeps him crawling to the post, fingers down his throat. One post. The second post. Dinosaur Bones just shakes his head in disgust and walks away. The match isn't over. Beelzebozo crawls halfway to the third post before dying.
Winner: Draw
Rating: -*********
Post-Match: Paramedics check the ring to make death official when VVV comes out saying that the people deserve a REAL match.
ACW Heavyweight Title
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly <c> vs. Vile "Vince" Viper
VVV steps around the pools of sick. These people are disgusting. Putting a handkerchief on the corpse' chest, so he can gingerly stand on Friendly for the pinfall. One. Two. Jean Pierre Celine shoves Viper off Beelzebozo into the puddle around post one. Covered, Viper tries to jump away, only for Celine to yank the old man's coat off, shoving him back into it. Rolling out of the ring covered in sick, Viper looks like he wants to commit suicide. But he loves life too much to let Celine get his hands on him. VVV runs down the aisle to the back, slipping in the sick on his shoes, while being chased by the irate Frenchman. The referee makes a ten count.
Winner: Beelzebozo by countout
Rating: -***
Post-Match: Paramedics look uncomfortable, but still try to save Beelzebozo's life.
In conclusion... someone needs to buy the Backyard library and burn it.
"Four Corner Splash"
6/8/18
from the Flanders Sports Arena
Ghent, Belgium
Backyard has really been pushing the boundaries of good taste this season, but THIS is the show that looks like it will finally have their plug pulled. The heavyweight title match is infamous. No DVDs exist, but I've been able to piece together most of the card through youtube clips.
U-10 Championship
"Simply Amazing" Spike Nelson <c> vs. Rickets Shaw
Before the match can get underway, Rajiv Khan races out of the back and assaults Rickets - mistaking him for Rick Shaw the rickshaw driver, as oppose to Rickets Shaw - the 9-year-old with weak bones. By the time Khan has realized his mistake, Spike picks up an easy win.
Winner: Spike Nelson
Rating: -***
Post-Match: Ricket's father, RICK, comes into the arena dragging Foster's BEER Man in his rickshaw. Foster's asks Rajiv Khan if he's found a new cab yet --- while the two are shooting the shit, RICK notices his son lying in a broken heap and demands answers. Never one to own up to his own mistakes, Spike Nelson blames Foster's Beer Man which sets up...
Rickets Revenge
"Medium Coolie" Rick Shaw & "Simply Amazing" Spike Nelson vs. "Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's BEER Man & Rajiv Khan
Having forgotten that he was supposed to beat up the kid, and feeling quite incensed, Spike Nelson is ON FIRE looking to help this stranger he's mistaken for his friend. Foster's tries to explain the situation, only to recieve a facewash. Spike Cutter gets 2.9. Forgetting about his quest for revenge, Spike starts breakdancing. Rajiv tags in, stopping the dance display with a moonsault for 2. Running knee after bouncing off the ropes gets 2.5. Rajiv Khan puts the Anzac Cup winner into the Scorn of Civilization, only to have Rick Shaw break it with a bulldog. Tag. Slingshot splash gets 2. Rapid fire fists send the cabbie around the ring. Double closeline. Shaw tries to tag out, only to find that Spike is distracted by a butterfly. Foster's in with a Boomer Smash. Follows up an Irish whip with a Vegemite Sandwich. Follows up with a second vegemite sandwich. Realizing his distraction has cost his partner, Spike pulls out a cellphone and uses the internet browser. What is he looking for, pornography? No. This is Spike Nelson, he's probably looking up skateboard tricks. Foster's Beer Man thinks that phone MIGHT have internet pornography on it though, so when Spike tosses the phone out of the ring, Foster's is quick to tag out and abandon the good fight. With Rajiv left on his own, Shaw & Nelson take the good fight to him. The double team is one-sided, until Zoran Sainovic comes out from under the ring and sprays Spike in the face with MOOSE MACE. Blinded the Under-10 champion falls out of the ring, leaving Rick Shaw alone to eat a mafia kick to the throat for a quick roll-up.
Winner: "Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's BEER Man & Rajiv Khan
Rating: * (Khan had just beaten up a child, and was portrayed as the good guy)
Post-Match: Rajiv Khan confronts Foster's BEER Man for abandoning him. Fosters apologizes... he has a crippling addiction to internet pornography. Khan starts to soften. "Hey, you've vowed to get me a new cab... the least I can do is vow to get your over your porn addiction." The super friends raise each other's arms to a mixed reaction, as Rick Shaw is still looking after his unconscious child. FBM tosses a Rick a cold Fosters, saying that its a rich source of Vitamen D which helps cure rickets. Khan, Beer Man, Shaw, and Shaw Jr all stand around the ring drinking Foster's Beer to the delight of all. ..........
In the aisle, Zoran Sainovic brutalizes his blinded archenemy, Spike Nelson - drawing out Vile "Vince" Viper, before VVV can school the old man attacking his grandson, The Industrial Man comes out to a massive pop. Getting in Viper's face, Balan DEMANDS that he cancels the heavyweight title match - stating that its inhumane to take advantage of Beelzebozo's alcoholism. Brushing off the robot's concerns, VVV brings up that the Samoan HIT Parade pinned Balan back at Anzac Cup GAIDEN, and the bucket of bolts will have his work cut out defending his own title. Before Balan can object to the unscheduled defence, Viper NAILS HIM with the Satan's strut...
International Title Match
"Industrial Man" Attila Balan <c> vs. DJ Tooki (w/The BEEF)
I-Man is blinded and crawling around the ring, while DJ Tooki doesn't want to take advantage of the situation, counting Balan as a friend. Up on the aisle, The Luau Mafia attack BEEF. From the stage, VVV tells Tooki "IF YOU DON'T TAKE OUT THAT RUST BUCKET, THEY'LL TAKE IT OUT ON YOUR PARTNER!" TC2000 and Icepick-T hold BEEF up like a rod while Magnum LM & Master Higgins limbo under him with sharp hats. Hoping to save Beef, a conflicted DJ Tooki nails the CHECK IT for 1.5. Smooth Walker gets 2.5. Hustle Flow gets 2.9. Another Smooth Walker send Balan over the top rope to the floor. At around the 8 count, Tooki slingshots out to the floor with a double knee. Shoulderblocking Balan into the ringpost, Tooki goes for the repeater Samoan Spike - Iman busted wide open. On the seventh spike, Balan ducks, letting Tooki drive his hand into guardrail. Grabbing the injured hand, Balan armdrags him into the steel steps, before the two big men start brawling around on the outside. Ducking a mechanized closeline, Tooki SAMOAN DROPS Balan onto the concrete floor. A second Samoan Drop sees Balan coughing up motor oil. A smoothwalker sends Balan through the timekeeper's table. The referee declares the match a double count out, but VVV insists that it continues. Tooki Samoan Drops Balan into the steel steps before throwing him back into the ring. COMINGATCHA gets reversed into a bodyslam. 2. Bleuler Overdrive sets Tooki down for 2.9. Mechanized Closeline gets 2.99999999 but Tooki continues to rally despite Balan taking his head off. Unaware of Beef's predicament, Balan brushes off a Smooth Walker attempt and nails a DATA Purge for 3.
Winner: "The Industrial Man" Attila Balan
Rating: **3/4
Post-Match: A beaten Tooki directs Balan's attention to the entranceway just as The Luau Mafia throw BEEF off the entrance ramp to the floor. Outraged, Balan charges towards the Mafia who brawl with him to the back.
Falls Count Anywhere
Bad Boy Briggs vs. Arthur Gillard
This is the most fragmented match with dozens of twenty second clips. Presumably it was prerecorded, used to promote the event, an the footage was cut throughout the show to cover the passage of time? Its just Briggs and a local working getting into fistfights at various landmarks from the Ghent City Centre to Gravensten. It's too choppy to rate, but what remains does look inspired; eventually Briggs makes a cover.
Winner: Bad Boy Briggs
Rating: JIP
Post-Match: Briggs throws Gillard off St. Michael's bridge.
Debut
"New York Ninja" Nick Carlin vs FlatEarth WARRIOR (w/FlatEarthers)
Test of strength is won by the Warrior, who fires Calin into the ropes, following up with a closeline which is turned into tiger spin arm drag. Warrior sits up into a rolling kuppo kick. Senton splash gets a 1 count before Warrior powers out. Following through the momentum, Carlin comes out of the corner with a shotgun corner dropkick, which gets 2 before Flatearther #2 gets up on the apron to distract the referee. Carlin knocks Flatearther #2 to the floor with a pelekick. The distraction lets WARRIOR get back in control who blindsides Carlin with a knee to the back. A series of double axehandle chops take Carlin down to his knees. Warrior charges into the ropes then rebounds for a BLE only for Carlin to backdrop him over the top rope. Warrior lands hard on the apron - extremely uncomfortable around edges due to his questionable sense of geography. A standing dropkick knocks Warrior from the apron to the floor - he screams like he fell off the face of the earth. Flatearthers #1 & 2 check on their fallen comrade, only for Carlin to wipe all three men out with a slingshot moonsault to the outside. Carlin throws Warrior back in, before rolling under a leg lariat from Flatearther #1. The crowd pops hard as the New York Ninja drills #1 with a backslide driver on the floor. In the ring, Warrior distracts the referee while on the outside #2 chokes Carlin from behind. A few elbows to the ribs loosens the choke, allowing Carlin to jump into the guardrail and backflip out of it. #2 tries to follow-up only to eat a butterfly kick. As the referee gets to an 8 count, Carlin judo throws Flatearther #2 into the prone #1, before sliding back into the ring. Carlin rolls out of the way of a big elbow, and another one. Goes for a standing dropkick, only to have Warrior side step it. Warrior goes for another big elbow, only to again miss. As Warrior sits up, Carlin snaps off a running front dropkick for 2. Carlin starts to go for the Rocke-Feller Locke, only for Warrior to get into the ropes. Carlin tries to hiptoss him out of them, only for the bigger man to put on the breaks and decapitate him with a closeline. Big elbow gets 2. A botched LTE gets 2.5. Warrior tries to repeat the LTE spot, only for Carlin to wiggle out. Rolling Savate kick is barely dodged. Flatearther #2 holds Carlin's foot from the outside, keeping him from dodging double kneestrike. Warrior grabs Carlin by the throat to go for a Raging Chokeslam only for the New York Ninja to wrap his legs around the outstretched arm for flying crossarm breaker. Warrior taps immediately.
Winner: "New York Ninja" Nick Carlin
Rating: ***
Post-Match: The FlatEarthers attack, only for Carlin to disappear in a cloud of smoke. ...Well, he kind of walks slowly out of the cloud, leaving the earthers to cough. On his way out - Carlin almost trips on a ninja star sticking out of the canvas... The Original Red Ninja has taken notice.
In the back, Beelzebozo is watching Stand By Me while eating raw eggs. A beaten Industrial Man begs his friend to rethink tonight's defense, but Buster informs him that "a man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do..."
SWAT ULTIMATE Title
Sirius Man <c> vs. Roxy
While most of the matches exist in their entirety on youtube, but I can only find clips of this one. JIP. Roxy doesn't believe that Sirius is champion because he doesn't have the belt. JIP. Sirius insists that he IS a champion, but that Zork Nontext stole it. JIP. Trading near falls with a chain sequence of various roll ups.
JIP. Alex Turner doesn't know why Roxy is wasting her time wrestling jobbers, Sirius excited explains his standing in the company, but Roxy thinks its a line. JIP. Sirius locks on a bearhug, only for Turner to pull his legs out, letting Roxy fall on top for a near fall. JIP. Roxy has Sirius in a figure-four. In the background, ZORK Nontext poses with fans for autographs with the belt - Sirius tries to point this out but Roxy won't pay attention, too busy trying to win the title. JIP. On the floor, Sirius starts to set Alex Turner up for a Dog Star Driver, only for Roxy to dive on both of them with a flying crossbody block. JIP. Furious that Zork got away, Sirius Man sets Roxy up for the Shooting Dog Star only for the bell to ring.
Winner: DRAW (time limit)
Rating: Impossible to say.
Post-Match: Sirius Man looks depressed, so Roxy and Alex Turner steal a plastic belt from a child in the audience to cheer him up. Now he can continue to pretend to be champion. Sirius melts down: "I'M NOT PRETENDING!!!"
MAIN EVENT
ACW Heavyweight Title
Four Corners Match
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly <c> vs. "The Dread Lord" DINOSAUR BONES
These two have spent the last month battling each other in a series of "Happy Hour" matches. Hour-long iron man matches with a drinking element attached to each pinfall - they have all seen known alcoholic Beelzebozo succumb to alcohol poisoning. In an effort to finally one-up the obscene overbooking of the more traditional SWAT regions, Viper has raised the stakes for this climactic encounter.
FOUR CORNERS OF VOMIT. To win you have to throw up on all four ring posts. ...yes. And if you get interrupted you need to start over again from the top. ...yes.
I am only reviewing this so you don't have to watch it.
Dinosaur Bones is a giant pantomime dinosaur - and has a hose sticking out of his fake mouth that shoots water. Pumping his right arm to set off the hose, Bones effortlessly sprays the first - second - third - Beelzebozo gets the belt up to protect the fourth post - then rams it into Bones' face, knocking the dinosaur silly. Pulling out his bag of tricks, Friendly beats Dinosaur black and blue with the heavy sack before reaching in and pulling out some Ovaltine. That'll do it. Beelzebozo nails the first post, then the second, before Dinosaur takes him down with a tail sweep. Stomps a hole in him. Standing on Beelzebozo's throat, Bones starts pumping that arm again - one - two -as he reaches the third, Beelzebozo low blows him with a frying pan. Frying Pan shot to the head is no sold because it might not hit the real head inside the costume, so Beelzebozo keeps trying and trying. With every shot, empty beer cans fall out of Beelzebozo's trench coat... belgian brands - the locals must be very proud. Having beaten Bones into submission, Beelzebozo staggers back over to the third turnbuckle only for the referee to tell him he needs to start over again from the top. Really. Buster gets sick on the first turnbuckle... then heads to the second... he seems pretty dehydrated, and has nothing left in him. Reaching into his bag, Beelzebozo starts to down a bottle of tequila, alternating with another Ovaltine. Sitting up, Bones starts pumping his arm again to spray water at the first, then second, then third... before Beelzebozo reaches down the beasts throat and yanks out the tubes. Beelzebozo hits the first - at this point I finally decide to jump ahead. Fast forward to the fourth post and Dinosaur Bones pulls Friendly off of it with a belly-to-back suplex. Bones tries to shoot again, only to find his fake vomit apparatus broken, and the thought of not cheating to be too revolting. To weak to stand, Beelzebozo asks what the hold up is. When Bones registers his disgust, Beelzebozo calls him a pussy... and starts watching a Psychotic Goth promo on his phone. That starts the dry heaving. The video makes Beelzebozo physically sick, but nothing comes out. Paramedics race down as the clown seems ready to collapse, but his fighting spirit keeps him crawling to the post, fingers down his throat. One post. The second post. Dinosaur Bones just shakes his head in disgust and walks away. The match isn't over. Beelzebozo crawls halfway to the third post before dying.
Winner: Draw
Rating: -*********
Post-Match: Paramedics check the ring to make death official when VVV comes out saying that the people deserve a REAL match.
ACW Heavyweight Title
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly <c> vs. Vile "Vince" Viper
VVV steps around the pools of sick. These people are disgusting. Putting a handkerchief on the corpse' chest, so he can gingerly stand on Friendly for the pinfall. One. Two. Jean Pierre Celine shoves Viper off Beelzebozo into the puddle around post one. Covered, Viper tries to jump away, only for Celine to yank the old man's coat off, shoving him back into it. Rolling out of the ring covered in sick, Viper looks like he wants to commit suicide. But he loves life too much to let Celine get his hands on him. VVV runs down the aisle to the back, slipping in the sick on his shoes, while being chased by the irate Frenchman. The referee makes a ten count.
Winner: Beelzebozo by countout
Rating: -***
Post-Match: Paramedics look uncomfortable, but still try to save Beelzebozo's life.
In conclusion... someone needs to buy the Backyard library and burn it.