Post by radu on Nov 16, 2020 16:33:57 GMT -5
SWAT BACKYARD
SEASON 2 FINALE
7/24/18
Sapporo Dome
Sapporo, Japan
This is Kenichi - and the good folks at SWAT have decided to throw their big season ending climax at the Sapporo Dome, home of the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters. Go Ham Fighters!
The show began outside the arena...
Winner Gets A Car
Kogyu Ryo, LEFT Tentacle, "Obscene Octopus" Taka Kitano, KOWL, Hawk, Snake Eyes, "Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's Beer Man, "Scarlet Bullet" Shinji Murakami, Karl Simmons, "Exploder" Richard Givens, Rajiv Khan, Sadako, Huayco, The Public Domain Players, Heaven's Pool Clean, Toji "The Gambler" Hoshino, Media Connection, Deadwood Dick Jones, Hippo Haboob, CowTipper Gore, Cat Scratch Fever, Carlton Draught Dude, "Fucker" Chris Templeton, Herbicide, Hardcore Hero, "Shatterproof" Hitoshi Ito, Hello Chiro, Human Guinea Pig
All the wrestlers have their hands on a 2018 Toyota Avalon, with the last person to have a hand on the vehicle winning it. Normally this type of contest rewards stamina and patience, but in a wrestling context, the guys just start hammering on each other. A well placed elbow by Deadwood Dick Jones makes Rajiv Khan the first person eliminated. Finally given a chance to secure new wheels, Khan is beside himself at having lost out on this opportunity for closure. Foster's Beer Man VOWS to win this thing. Obscene Octopus chases the bulk of the competitors away in the first few minutes, chasing them with garden sheers, repeatedly stabbing FBM who holds his ground. Sapporo's own wrestling mascot, Sapporo Sweets comes out and starts offering the boys free products, this eliminates even more of the hardcore alcoholics. You can tell it eats Foster's up to hear sales pitches for a rival beer, but he keeps his hands firmly on the car. Toji The Gambler gives Deadwood Dick a hot tip on a race, that the seasoned equestrian can't pass up. Sucker. Scarlet Bullet unloads some itching powder that takes out LEFT Tentacle, but also himself. Hiroshi Ito lets off an explosive device, maiming many of the guys in the course of playing chicken. Leaving the Hardcore Hero and FBM as the final two. Both worried about itching, they decide to maintain contact by standing on the roof. Realizing that their weight is denting the hell out of the Avalon, the longitme friends decide to finish things quicker, and start exchanging punches. This seems to damage the roof even more, as they dance around the limited space like boxers. FBM finally comes out on top, caving in the front window with a well placed release overhead belly-to-belly suplex that sends Hero flying.
Winner: "Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's Beer Man
Rating: **
Post-Match: The fans give a standing ovation for the lesser lager mascot, for all the abuse his body took to win his friend a car. Talk about heroic bloodshed. Even though the Avalon now looks as banged up as Khan's cab after FBM destroyed it at New Years Nightmare, but Khan seems appreciative.
FBM: "Well cobber, I guess you'll be heading back to yer day job."
Rajiv Khan: "Not yet my friend, you helped me, so I will not rest until we get you over your crippling porn addiction."
FBM: "No worries."
Enter the Ninja
"New York Ninja" Nick Carlin vs. Original FireRed Ninja
Throughout the summer SWAT Backyard sensation Nick Carlin has been dogged by the enigmatic Original FireRed Ninja. Is there enough room in the backyard for two stereotypical shadow warriors? The live audience was extremely disappointed to find this broadcast on the tron instead of live. The screen is almost completely black, only for a few dozen candles that form a pentagram. Nick Carlin enters the middle of candles, only to have OG miss him with some ninja stars. Carlin then starts throwing his own ninja stars - neither man has the best accuracy, but they SLOWLY extinguish all of the candles. When the room is almost in total darkness, Carlin takes out the OG ninja with his Rocke-Feller Lock... only to discover its a mannequin. Using this distraction to his advantage, Original FireRed Ninja nails Carlin with the "Eat Shotei And Die!" OG goes to extinguish the last candle in victory, only to have Carlin take him down with his Ranhei roll + calf crippler. Original FireRed Ninja yields to the superior ninja skills of the new york stand-up comedian.
Winner: "New York Ninja" Nick Carlin
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: The bedroom door swings open to reveal Spud Boy. As the lights come on, we realize that this mystical spot is a small bedroom with walls covered in Sho Kosugi posters.
Spud Boy: Yo Red you coming bro? Roxy is about to dance!
The previous match took place in a dorm at Omega Gamma Pi, as The Original FireRed Ninja is a proud member of the fraternity.
Original FireRed Ninja: Yo grasshopper, lets hit the keg bro. Its all that Victoria Bitter shit, but its free.
Shrugging, "New York Ninja" Nick Carlin and Original FireRed Ninja decide to join the rest of the Fraternity for the party. A repulsed looking Roxy is locked in a small cage, where she's expected to dance having lost a match at Interesting Times. Bad Boy and the Bombastic Brothers are in the middle of hazing new pledges: FlatEarther #2, Tom Thumb on steroids, and the Public Access Players. Victoria Bitter Boy is front and centre, dressed as Hugh Heffner, complete with old man wig, which he thinks makes him look sophisticated. Before the humiliation can begin, the doorbell rings. Potential pledge Short Circuit Protagonist gets kicked in the junk for his troubles.
FratHouse Death Match
Daniel Collins charges in swinging a chair. Whether its out of guilt for Roxy's loss, or a sense of revenge, the Dark Phoenix goes wild. Never one to abide by stipulations, Roxy throws open the cage door, kicking Victoria Bitter Boy in the mouth. Not taking the situation too seriously, Nick Carlin dives off the balcony with a tope con hilo which takes out Flogging Dead Horses and a couch. Roxy keeps doing shots in between high kicking people's brains out. There aren't that many brains, but its still impressive. Daniel Collins throws JOLT Cola Lad through a window... a few seconds later, JOLT Cola Lad comes crashing back in as "Timeless" Alex Turner makes his own entrances. The bitter rivals exchange a glance, before focusing on the frat boys and their five to one odds. Helping the situation is that most of the fraternity is too drunk to care who they're fighting with, and a few fight amongst themselves. Spud Boy is more concerned with using the pledges as human shields. Super Fly Boy is sent through some load burying pillars, which causes a number of bedrooms to collapse into the main hall. Not content with this rescue mission, Roxy decides to win the match by forcing Victoria Bitter Boy to drink all the alcohol remaining in the frat house. Its all his brand, because he gets it free. He's crying after the first keg. Vomiting follows.
Winners: ROXY, Daniel Collins, "Timeless" Alex Turner, a very drunk Bad Boy Briggs & "New York Ninja" Nick Carlin
Rating: **3/4 - this was a crazy brawl between 30 people, that was only let down by the fact that we'd seen something similar in the car match, so the placement was sketchy, and it was all done on a tron! We're here to see these matches live!
Backstage, Sirius Man congratulates LEFT Tentacle on winning the ACW heavyweight title off of Beelzebozo. Even if the federation is defunct, and the governing body won't acknowledge it, and Psychotic Goth held it at one point, its still a huge accomplishment. LEFT thanks him, but wants Sirius to keep it down, the clown might want revenge.
Sirius Man: Its the season finale, when is he going to get a chance?
VVV does his usual raffle to decide the random opponents for the TWINSTAR tag titles... even though he killed Industrial Man, its important that he forces Beelzebozo to wrestle to an exhausting degree to improve the king of snakes chances at the Jackson/Packer Memorial. The first name drawn is... LEFT Tentacle. Imagine that.
VVV: And his partner will be... oh... the machine ran out of namesss. Well find someone LEFT, because one on one you're as good as dead.
Bruno & The HOLY Weapons vs. Team HOMAGE (Tree from Evil Dead, Freddie Berry, Farmer Brown) w/Heathers & Sadako
Despite the monster gimmicks, they just let the six men work. Bruno has spent the season crushing the Homage Army, but in these multiman matches it keeps the speed up. While Holy Weapons can drag anything to three stars, which is what they're doing here. The only downside is some silliness on the outside that sees Sadako use her psychic powers to freeze Bruno, allowing Heathers to extract some blood for a ritual. Despite this distraction, the action is still fast and furious, with TESTAMENT putting Farmer Brown down with an OPEN PALM.
Winners: Bruno & Holy Weapons
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: Heathers uses Bruno's blood at ringside, to bring AZTEC Dracula back to life! Realizing that the season is ending, Bruno decides he's had enough of this shit.
Casket Match
Bruno vs. AZTEC Dracula
Only having just come back to life, Aztec seems a little slower than usual, but he seems to hold a grudge against Bruno MURDERING him at the Midwest Explosion. Still at ringside, The Holy Weapons keep most of the monster Homages out of the ring, letting Bruno go to work. A gorilla press sends Aztec crashing into the coffin, but before Bruno can close the lid, Aztec hits him with a swarm of bats (plastic). Dracula pulls Bruno's throat down across the top rope, then uses a forearm shot to knock him over into the coffin. Aztec almost closes the lid, but Bruno powers out of it, backdropping him onto the concrete floor. Bruno drops a knee, then spears Aztec into the steps. Tosses him into guardrail a few times, before planting him in the casket with a sidewalk slam. While the Holy Powers smack the hell out of GNUE & Uncle Son of Sam, Heathers sneaks by and scratches Bruno's eyes. Bruno tosses her off, but the damage is done. Aztec Dracula locks on the cursed bite, and drags Bruno back into the coffin, letting go to close the lid.
Winner: AZTEC Dracula
Rating: **
Post Match: The crowd dies as Bruno is finally beaten by Team HOMAGE. Aztec Dracula seems pleased with himself... until the lid smashes off the coffin. On fire, Bruno tosses Heathers into the casket, before she can get out, she's joined by Sadako. Not selling that psychic shit this time. Gnue, USoS, Freddie Berry and the Tree from Poltergeist are all tossed into the casket. Aztec Dracula flees, as Bruno crushes them all down into the casket, stomping the broken lid on top. The crowd eats it up.
Backstage, LEFT Tentacle tells senior road agent Lucerio Villiani that his tag partner is going to be the TREE from Polter----god damn it. Gurneys start wheeling Team Homage through the backstage area. One of the ambulances has Hardcore Hero sitting in it... LEFT asks him, and Hero agrees, only to have a paramedic step in stating that he needs 79 stitches in the back of the head. Foiled again.
TAR PIT Match
Dinosaur Bones vs. Knockoff Industrial Man
The main draw of the recent Europe tour was Attila Balan defending the international title against Bill Stokes. After the two's forth encounter, it looked like Stokes would have to call it a career. His Extinction Connection tag partner, The Dread Lord Dinosaur Bones, was set for revenge. Unfortunately, before their feud could flourish, Attila Balan was destroyed by Vile Vince VIper. Desperately needing closure, the giant in the dinosaur onesy has decided to take out his aggression on the fake I-Man. This is a tar pit match... a pool has been set up at ringside filled with tar, and the loser is the one that gets thrown in. Fake I-Man comes in strong with all the signature spots, but BONES doesn't sell for anybody. Biting the imitation robot on the head, Bones flings him around a few times before picking up the win in his patented match.
Winner: Dinosaur Bones
Rating: *1/2
Post-Match: Dinosaur Bones grabs a microphone and dedicates the match to his tag partner, before promising to kill everyone in the crowd, because he is an undead dinosaur, and its in his nature.
20 Minute Spot Light Match
Arizona Assassins vs. Samoan HIT Parade
The Samoans have the size & hearts of all SWAT fans, so the Assassins bring the numbers. When it first becomes obvious that this is going to be 6 on 2 around the four minute mark, the audience registers a 7 on the meter. We immediately curse ourselves for giving the Assassins such a huge pop. We try to fix it for the wonderful Samoans, but there are so many Assassins in the ring, there's always someone doing something to take credit away from DJ Tooki's smooth flow! Finally at around the 17 minute mark, Tooki & The BEEF decide to do a word for word impression of the Kool Moe Dee / Busy Bee battle - syncing up their samoan drops with every insult. This scores an 8.3 which is enough to take it.
Winners: Samoan HIT Parade
Rating: ***1/2
Post-Match: The winners of the FratHouse Death match (even Bad Boy) come out of the back and dance with the Samoans in the ring, to give the show as close as it can have to a happy ending.
ULTIMATE Title Match
Sirius Man vs. ZORK Nontext
With his endearing kleptomania, ZORK Nontext got by with a slap on the wrists for stealing the SWAT Ultimate belt MONTHS AGO. The breakout star of the season, Sirius Man has defended that title for almost a year, easily eclipsing the previous four champion's combined records. Without the strap, he has had to work twice as hard to prove his merit. Tonight, Sirius Man and ZORK will finally combine the title with the belt. At least thats the hope, but after an absolutely epic build, ZORK immediately uses his eleven blade to draw the dq.
Winner: Sirius Man by DQ
Rating: DUD
Post-Match: Zork continues to stab Sirius like he was a GNUE, only stopping to pose with the belt like he just won it. Sirius is a bloody mess. However as Zork turns to leave in his stolen mini cooper, Sirius tackles him from behind.
STREET FIGHT
ULTIMATE TITLE
Sirius Man vs. Zork Nontext
The two men brawl down the aisle, with Zork "discovering treasure" of the watches of fans that try to pat Sirius on the back... but having just enough presence of mind to keep the belt away from the heavily bleeding luchador. The two continue to brawl until they have disappeared from the arena...
Backstage, LEFT Tentacle thanks Lucerio Villaini for giving him the TWINSTAR title shot this evening, but since Beelzebozo might still be mad about the ACW title, he thinks he'll pass.
Lucerio Villaini: LEFT... I'd love to help, but this is our season finale - the last show before Vile ends Beelzebozo's career at The 2018 Memorial show! ...and the last chance weaken him before that match. <writing a name down on a napkin> You want to survive the night? I'd suggest asking this guy REALLY nicely.
MAIN EVENT
Steel Cage Match
Better Than Sex vs. Non-Contract Players
Fearing that NOTHING could embarrass SWAT or make Backyard look like the criminally insane brand, Viper finally threw a hail Mary in the creation of the U-10 championship... a belt that could only be defended against people under 10, and thanks to a loop hole, he HANDED IT to his leap year born grandson. This cheap heat magnet backfired. Amongst Spike's first defences was accidentally against the son of 2nd generation VVV, Jean Pierre Celine - who has been kicking Viper's ass for the rest of the season, even as the king of snakes continues to dominate SWAT. Nelson's nemesis Zoran Sainovic then escalated his vendetta by orchestrating the return of FIRST SWAT ULTIMATE champion "RSO" Frank Wilkes as a ringer to take away the U-10 title. Making things more complicated is that Wilkes & Celine were the hottest tag team in both IGA & SPW, as the Non-Contract Players - where they even BEAT ANTHONY ALRED AND JOHNNY PAIN! The NCPs reunite for one night only to take on the BTS. What unfolds? Between Viper's forearms, Celine's savate kicks, Wilkes stretching, and Spike's inability to no sell or take things seriously... is a 40 minute blood bath without equal. Words can't describe how EPIC this encounter was. Its like if Captain America and Bucky took on Batroc the Leaper and Crossbones in a forty minute cage match... and Vile Vince Viper IS Captain America. For all the gore there was a real story, with Spike having to pick up the slack for his aging grandfather against the enraged fan favorites, only for Viper to do some horrifically sick move or cheating that chipped away at Spike's innocence. Finish saw Viper steal a win off of RSO, because BTS can't lose - but after the bell was rung, the fan favorites continued to tear the house down, with BTS having to flee to the outside.
Winners: Better Than Sex
Rating: *****
Post-Match: Celine poses for the fans with his son Etienne, while Wilkes sets fire to the U-10 belt in the middle of the ring.
The Tron then showed footage of camera operators outside just as mild mannered salary men run in fear from a batting centre.
Batting Practice Cage
ULTIMATE TITLE
Sirius Man <c> vs. ZORK Nontext
The camera catches up with the champion inside the cage, where Sirius uses baseball bats to ward off Zork's eleven blade attacks. Eventually ZORK gets distracted "Searching for treasure" and comes across several Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters - and always wanting to own his own baseball team tries to collect them all. Taking advantage of this momentary lapse in sanity, Sirius Man retrieves the belt!
SIRIUS MAN IS YOUR ULTIMATE CHAMPION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A baseball hits the strap.
Who is manning the pitching machine? ASTAROTH.
The Ultimate Champion faints.
TWINSTAR Titles
Beelzebozo vs. LEFT Tentacle & ???
Joining LEFT Tentacle is Zoran Sainovic. Sainovic tells Beelzebozo that while he enjoyed kicking Buster Friendly's ass HERE and HERE, Attila Balan always made him hold back. Well the Boss isn't around to protect Buster anymore! ...because Viper killed him. As if on cue, the house lights go out and INDUSTRIAL MAN 2.0 makes his way out of the back, top of the line, fresh out of the factory, and ready to reform Funny Business!!!
TWINSTAR Titles
Funny Business <c> vs. LEFT Tentacle & Zoran Sainovic
Zoran's fear soon turns to sadistic glee, as I-Man 2.0 blindsides the former ACW heavyweight champion. Who do you think programmed it? LEFT Tentacle is stunned as I-Man 2.0 and Zoran Sainovic take turns stiffing the hell out of Buster Friendly. They even use sickles. Buster is a bleeding mess, and this EVIL Balan... who is kind of like the Arnold Terminator in Salvation, actually has a hose built into his arm to blast the clown with Kentucky bourbon. Confronted by the craven image of his dead friend, Beelzebozo looks ready to murder Sainovic, but I-Man 2.0 keeps him down. The beating is so one sided and disgusting, that the audience actually starts feeling for the clown. Not able to stomach anymore, LEFT Tentacle uses an EVERYONE DIES GIANT SWING to knock I-Man out of the ring using Zoran. Tentacle is then on fire, doing his belt to keep Buster from getting permanently injured. Looking like roadkill but finding a second wind, Buster puts aside his hatred of LEFT Tentacle long enough to set Zoran Sainovic on fire. For all the syringes Friendly and the mad scientist stick each other with, you'd think they were having their third hospital brawl. Eventually Buster breaks I-Man 2's jaw with a super man punch, then hits a senton splash. LEFT Tentacle knocks Zoran off the top rope with a SUCKER PUNCH, into the waiting arms of Buster who locks in a whisky lullaby. Zoran would rather ingest cyanide than quit, but the extra body helps to pin down I-man.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: ****1/2
Post-Match: LEFT Tentacle helps "Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly hoping that they can leave the unpleasantness of the Intervention Death Match in the past. Apparently not. Friendly sets Sainovic & I-Man 2.0 on fire, then chases LEFT Tentacle out of the arena with a pair of hedge clippers! LEFT Tentacle jumps into Rajiv Khan's cab, and the two drive off into the second season of SWAT on a warm and fuzzy feeling.
I sure do hope Beelzebozo beats Viper at the 2018 Memorial Show.
HIGH RECOMMENDATION!
SEASON 2 FINALE
7/24/18
Sapporo Dome
Sapporo, Japan
This is Kenichi - and the good folks at SWAT have decided to throw their big season ending climax at the Sapporo Dome, home of the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters. Go Ham Fighters!
The show began outside the arena...
Winner Gets A Car
Kogyu Ryo, LEFT Tentacle, "Obscene Octopus" Taka Kitano, KOWL, Hawk, Snake Eyes, "Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's Beer Man, "Scarlet Bullet" Shinji Murakami, Karl Simmons, "Exploder" Richard Givens, Rajiv Khan, Sadako, Huayco, The Public Domain Players, Heaven's Pool Clean, Toji "The Gambler" Hoshino, Media Connection, Deadwood Dick Jones, Hippo Haboob, CowTipper Gore, Cat Scratch Fever, Carlton Draught Dude, "Fucker" Chris Templeton, Herbicide, Hardcore Hero, "Shatterproof" Hitoshi Ito, Hello Chiro, Human Guinea Pig
All the wrestlers have their hands on a 2018 Toyota Avalon, with the last person to have a hand on the vehicle winning it. Normally this type of contest rewards stamina and patience, but in a wrestling context, the guys just start hammering on each other. A well placed elbow by Deadwood Dick Jones makes Rajiv Khan the first person eliminated. Finally given a chance to secure new wheels, Khan is beside himself at having lost out on this opportunity for closure. Foster's Beer Man VOWS to win this thing. Obscene Octopus chases the bulk of the competitors away in the first few minutes, chasing them with garden sheers, repeatedly stabbing FBM who holds his ground. Sapporo's own wrestling mascot, Sapporo Sweets comes out and starts offering the boys free products, this eliminates even more of the hardcore alcoholics. You can tell it eats Foster's up to hear sales pitches for a rival beer, but he keeps his hands firmly on the car. Toji The Gambler gives Deadwood Dick a hot tip on a race, that the seasoned equestrian can't pass up. Sucker. Scarlet Bullet unloads some itching powder that takes out LEFT Tentacle, but also himself. Hiroshi Ito lets off an explosive device, maiming many of the guys in the course of playing chicken. Leaving the Hardcore Hero and FBM as the final two. Both worried about itching, they decide to maintain contact by standing on the roof. Realizing that their weight is denting the hell out of the Avalon, the longitme friends decide to finish things quicker, and start exchanging punches. This seems to damage the roof even more, as they dance around the limited space like boxers. FBM finally comes out on top, caving in the front window with a well placed release overhead belly-to-belly suplex that sends Hero flying.
Winner: "Crippling Porn Addiction" Foster's Beer Man
Rating: **
Post-Match: The fans give a standing ovation for the lesser lager mascot, for all the abuse his body took to win his friend a car. Talk about heroic bloodshed. Even though the Avalon now looks as banged up as Khan's cab after FBM destroyed it at New Years Nightmare, but Khan seems appreciative.
FBM: "Well cobber, I guess you'll be heading back to yer day job."
Rajiv Khan: "Not yet my friend, you helped me, so I will not rest until we get you over your crippling porn addiction."
FBM: "No worries."
Enter the Ninja
"New York Ninja" Nick Carlin vs. Original FireRed Ninja
Throughout the summer SWAT Backyard sensation Nick Carlin has been dogged by the enigmatic Original FireRed Ninja. Is there enough room in the backyard for two stereotypical shadow warriors? The live audience was extremely disappointed to find this broadcast on the tron instead of live. The screen is almost completely black, only for a few dozen candles that form a pentagram. Nick Carlin enters the middle of candles, only to have OG miss him with some ninja stars. Carlin then starts throwing his own ninja stars - neither man has the best accuracy, but they SLOWLY extinguish all of the candles. When the room is almost in total darkness, Carlin takes out the OG ninja with his Rocke-Feller Lock... only to discover its a mannequin. Using this distraction to his advantage, Original FireRed Ninja nails Carlin with the "Eat Shotei And Die!" OG goes to extinguish the last candle in victory, only to have Carlin take him down with his Ranhei roll + calf crippler. Original FireRed Ninja yields to the superior ninja skills of the new york stand-up comedian.
Winner: "New York Ninja" Nick Carlin
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: The bedroom door swings open to reveal Spud Boy. As the lights come on, we realize that this mystical spot is a small bedroom with walls covered in Sho Kosugi posters.
Spud Boy: Yo Red you coming bro? Roxy is about to dance!
The previous match took place in a dorm at Omega Gamma Pi, as The Original FireRed Ninja is a proud member of the fraternity.
Original FireRed Ninja: Yo grasshopper, lets hit the keg bro. Its all that Victoria Bitter shit, but its free.
Shrugging, "New York Ninja" Nick Carlin and Original FireRed Ninja decide to join the rest of the Fraternity for the party. A repulsed looking Roxy is locked in a small cage, where she's expected to dance having lost a match at Interesting Times. Bad Boy and the Bombastic Brothers are in the middle of hazing new pledges: FlatEarther #2, Tom Thumb on steroids, and the Public Access Players. Victoria Bitter Boy is front and centre, dressed as Hugh Heffner, complete with old man wig, which he thinks makes him look sophisticated. Before the humiliation can begin, the doorbell rings. Potential pledge Short Circuit Protagonist gets kicked in the junk for his troubles.
FratHouse Death Match
Daniel Collins charges in swinging a chair. Whether its out of guilt for Roxy's loss, or a sense of revenge, the Dark Phoenix goes wild. Never one to abide by stipulations, Roxy throws open the cage door, kicking Victoria Bitter Boy in the mouth. Not taking the situation too seriously, Nick Carlin dives off the balcony with a tope con hilo which takes out Flogging Dead Horses and a couch. Roxy keeps doing shots in between high kicking people's brains out. There aren't that many brains, but its still impressive. Daniel Collins throws JOLT Cola Lad through a window... a few seconds later, JOLT Cola Lad comes crashing back in as "Timeless" Alex Turner makes his own entrances. The bitter rivals exchange a glance, before focusing on the frat boys and their five to one odds. Helping the situation is that most of the fraternity is too drunk to care who they're fighting with, and a few fight amongst themselves. Spud Boy is more concerned with using the pledges as human shields. Super Fly Boy is sent through some load burying pillars, which causes a number of bedrooms to collapse into the main hall. Not content with this rescue mission, Roxy decides to win the match by forcing Victoria Bitter Boy to drink all the alcohol remaining in the frat house. Its all his brand, because he gets it free. He's crying after the first keg. Vomiting follows.
Winners: ROXY, Daniel Collins, "Timeless" Alex Turner, a very drunk Bad Boy Briggs & "New York Ninja" Nick Carlin
Rating: **3/4 - this was a crazy brawl between 30 people, that was only let down by the fact that we'd seen something similar in the car match, so the placement was sketchy, and it was all done on a tron! We're here to see these matches live!
Backstage, Sirius Man congratulates LEFT Tentacle on winning the ACW heavyweight title off of Beelzebozo. Even if the federation is defunct, and the governing body won't acknowledge it, and Psychotic Goth held it at one point, its still a huge accomplishment. LEFT thanks him, but wants Sirius to keep it down, the clown might want revenge.
Sirius Man: Its the season finale, when is he going to get a chance?
VVV does his usual raffle to decide the random opponents for the TWINSTAR tag titles... even though he killed Industrial Man, its important that he forces Beelzebozo to wrestle to an exhausting degree to improve the king of snakes chances at the Jackson/Packer Memorial. The first name drawn is... LEFT Tentacle. Imagine that.
VVV: And his partner will be... oh... the machine ran out of namesss. Well find someone LEFT, because one on one you're as good as dead.
Bruno & The HOLY Weapons vs. Team HOMAGE (Tree from Evil Dead, Freddie Berry, Farmer Brown) w/Heathers & Sadako
Despite the monster gimmicks, they just let the six men work. Bruno has spent the season crushing the Homage Army, but in these multiman matches it keeps the speed up. While Holy Weapons can drag anything to three stars, which is what they're doing here. The only downside is some silliness on the outside that sees Sadako use her psychic powers to freeze Bruno, allowing Heathers to extract some blood for a ritual. Despite this distraction, the action is still fast and furious, with TESTAMENT putting Farmer Brown down with an OPEN PALM.
Winners: Bruno & Holy Weapons
Rating: **1/2
Post-Match: Heathers uses Bruno's blood at ringside, to bring AZTEC Dracula back to life! Realizing that the season is ending, Bruno decides he's had enough of this shit.
Casket Match
Bruno vs. AZTEC Dracula
Only having just come back to life, Aztec seems a little slower than usual, but he seems to hold a grudge against Bruno MURDERING him at the Midwest Explosion. Still at ringside, The Holy Weapons keep most of the monster Homages out of the ring, letting Bruno go to work. A gorilla press sends Aztec crashing into the coffin, but before Bruno can close the lid, Aztec hits him with a swarm of bats (plastic). Dracula pulls Bruno's throat down across the top rope, then uses a forearm shot to knock him over into the coffin. Aztec almost closes the lid, but Bruno powers out of it, backdropping him onto the concrete floor. Bruno drops a knee, then spears Aztec into the steps. Tosses him into guardrail a few times, before planting him in the casket with a sidewalk slam. While the Holy Powers smack the hell out of GNUE & Uncle Son of Sam, Heathers sneaks by and scratches Bruno's eyes. Bruno tosses her off, but the damage is done. Aztec Dracula locks on the cursed bite, and drags Bruno back into the coffin, letting go to close the lid.
Winner: AZTEC Dracula
Rating: **
Post Match: The crowd dies as Bruno is finally beaten by Team HOMAGE. Aztec Dracula seems pleased with himself... until the lid smashes off the coffin. On fire, Bruno tosses Heathers into the casket, before she can get out, she's joined by Sadako. Not selling that psychic shit this time. Gnue, USoS, Freddie Berry and the Tree from Poltergeist are all tossed into the casket. Aztec Dracula flees, as Bruno crushes them all down into the casket, stomping the broken lid on top. The crowd eats it up.
Backstage, LEFT Tentacle tells senior road agent Lucerio Villiani that his tag partner is going to be the TREE from Polter----god damn it. Gurneys start wheeling Team Homage through the backstage area. One of the ambulances has Hardcore Hero sitting in it... LEFT asks him, and Hero agrees, only to have a paramedic step in stating that he needs 79 stitches in the back of the head. Foiled again.
TAR PIT Match
Dinosaur Bones vs. Knockoff Industrial Man
The main draw of the recent Europe tour was Attila Balan defending the international title against Bill Stokes. After the two's forth encounter, it looked like Stokes would have to call it a career. His Extinction Connection tag partner, The Dread Lord Dinosaur Bones, was set for revenge. Unfortunately, before their feud could flourish, Attila Balan was destroyed by Vile Vince VIper. Desperately needing closure, the giant in the dinosaur onesy has decided to take out his aggression on the fake I-Man. This is a tar pit match... a pool has been set up at ringside filled with tar, and the loser is the one that gets thrown in. Fake I-Man comes in strong with all the signature spots, but BONES doesn't sell for anybody. Biting the imitation robot on the head, Bones flings him around a few times before picking up the win in his patented match.
Winner: Dinosaur Bones
Rating: *1/2
Post-Match: Dinosaur Bones grabs a microphone and dedicates the match to his tag partner, before promising to kill everyone in the crowd, because he is an undead dinosaur, and its in his nature.
20 Minute Spot Light Match
Arizona Assassins vs. Samoan HIT Parade
The Samoans have the size & hearts of all SWAT fans, so the Assassins bring the numbers. When it first becomes obvious that this is going to be 6 on 2 around the four minute mark, the audience registers a 7 on the meter. We immediately curse ourselves for giving the Assassins such a huge pop. We try to fix it for the wonderful Samoans, but there are so many Assassins in the ring, there's always someone doing something to take credit away from DJ Tooki's smooth flow! Finally at around the 17 minute mark, Tooki & The BEEF decide to do a word for word impression of the Kool Moe Dee / Busy Bee battle - syncing up their samoan drops with every insult. This scores an 8.3 which is enough to take it.
Winners: Samoan HIT Parade
Rating: ***1/2
Post-Match: The winners of the FratHouse Death match (even Bad Boy) come out of the back and dance with the Samoans in the ring, to give the show as close as it can have to a happy ending.
ULTIMATE Title Match
Sirius Man vs. ZORK Nontext
With his endearing kleptomania, ZORK Nontext got by with a slap on the wrists for stealing the SWAT Ultimate belt MONTHS AGO. The breakout star of the season, Sirius Man has defended that title for almost a year, easily eclipsing the previous four champion's combined records. Without the strap, he has had to work twice as hard to prove his merit. Tonight, Sirius Man and ZORK will finally combine the title with the belt. At least thats the hope, but after an absolutely epic build, ZORK immediately uses his eleven blade to draw the dq.
Winner: Sirius Man by DQ
Rating: DUD
Post-Match: Zork continues to stab Sirius like he was a GNUE, only stopping to pose with the belt like he just won it. Sirius is a bloody mess. However as Zork turns to leave in his stolen mini cooper, Sirius tackles him from behind.
STREET FIGHT
ULTIMATE TITLE
Sirius Man vs. Zork Nontext
The two men brawl down the aisle, with Zork "discovering treasure" of the watches of fans that try to pat Sirius on the back... but having just enough presence of mind to keep the belt away from the heavily bleeding luchador. The two continue to brawl until they have disappeared from the arena...
Backstage, LEFT Tentacle thanks Lucerio Villaini for giving him the TWINSTAR title shot this evening, but since Beelzebozo might still be mad about the ACW title, he thinks he'll pass.
Lucerio Villaini: LEFT... I'd love to help, but this is our season finale - the last show before Vile ends Beelzebozo's career at The 2018 Memorial show! ...and the last chance weaken him before that match. <writing a name down on a napkin> You want to survive the night? I'd suggest asking this guy REALLY nicely.
MAIN EVENT
Steel Cage Match
Better Than Sex vs. Non-Contract Players
Fearing that NOTHING could embarrass SWAT or make Backyard look like the criminally insane brand, Viper finally threw a hail Mary in the creation of the U-10 championship... a belt that could only be defended against people under 10, and thanks to a loop hole, he HANDED IT to his leap year born grandson. This cheap heat magnet backfired. Amongst Spike's first defences was accidentally against the son of 2nd generation VVV, Jean Pierre Celine - who has been kicking Viper's ass for the rest of the season, even as the king of snakes continues to dominate SWAT. Nelson's nemesis Zoran Sainovic then escalated his vendetta by orchestrating the return of FIRST SWAT ULTIMATE champion "RSO" Frank Wilkes as a ringer to take away the U-10 title. Making things more complicated is that Wilkes & Celine were the hottest tag team in both IGA & SPW, as the Non-Contract Players - where they even BEAT ANTHONY ALRED AND JOHNNY PAIN! The NCPs reunite for one night only to take on the BTS. What unfolds? Between Viper's forearms, Celine's savate kicks, Wilkes stretching, and Spike's inability to no sell or take things seriously... is a 40 minute blood bath without equal. Words can't describe how EPIC this encounter was. Its like if Captain America and Bucky took on Batroc the Leaper and Crossbones in a forty minute cage match... and Vile Vince Viper IS Captain America. For all the gore there was a real story, with Spike having to pick up the slack for his aging grandfather against the enraged fan favorites, only for Viper to do some horrifically sick move or cheating that chipped away at Spike's innocence. Finish saw Viper steal a win off of RSO, because BTS can't lose - but after the bell was rung, the fan favorites continued to tear the house down, with BTS having to flee to the outside.
Winners: Better Than Sex
Rating: *****
Post-Match: Celine poses for the fans with his son Etienne, while Wilkes sets fire to the U-10 belt in the middle of the ring.
The Tron then showed footage of camera operators outside just as mild mannered salary men run in fear from a batting centre.
Batting Practice Cage
ULTIMATE TITLE
Sirius Man <c> vs. ZORK Nontext
The camera catches up with the champion inside the cage, where Sirius uses baseball bats to ward off Zork's eleven blade attacks. Eventually ZORK gets distracted "Searching for treasure" and comes across several Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters - and always wanting to own his own baseball team tries to collect them all. Taking advantage of this momentary lapse in sanity, Sirius Man retrieves the belt!
SIRIUS MAN IS YOUR ULTIMATE CHAMPION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A baseball hits the strap.
Who is manning the pitching machine? ASTAROTH.
The Ultimate Champion faints.
TWINSTAR Titles
Beelzebozo vs. LEFT Tentacle & ???
Joining LEFT Tentacle is Zoran Sainovic. Sainovic tells Beelzebozo that while he enjoyed kicking Buster Friendly's ass HERE and HERE, Attila Balan always made him hold back. Well the Boss isn't around to protect Buster anymore! ...because Viper killed him. As if on cue, the house lights go out and INDUSTRIAL MAN 2.0 makes his way out of the back, top of the line, fresh out of the factory, and ready to reform Funny Business!!!
TWINSTAR Titles
Funny Business <c> vs. LEFT Tentacle & Zoran Sainovic
Zoran's fear soon turns to sadistic glee, as I-Man 2.0 blindsides the former ACW heavyweight champion. Who do you think programmed it? LEFT Tentacle is stunned as I-Man 2.0 and Zoran Sainovic take turns stiffing the hell out of Buster Friendly. They even use sickles. Buster is a bleeding mess, and this EVIL Balan... who is kind of like the Arnold Terminator in Salvation, actually has a hose built into his arm to blast the clown with Kentucky bourbon. Confronted by the craven image of his dead friend, Beelzebozo looks ready to murder Sainovic, but I-Man 2.0 keeps him down. The beating is so one sided and disgusting, that the audience actually starts feeling for the clown. Not able to stomach anymore, LEFT Tentacle uses an EVERYONE DIES GIANT SWING to knock I-Man out of the ring using Zoran. Tentacle is then on fire, doing his belt to keep Buster from getting permanently injured. Looking like roadkill but finding a second wind, Buster puts aside his hatred of LEFT Tentacle long enough to set Zoran Sainovic on fire. For all the syringes Friendly and the mad scientist stick each other with, you'd think they were having their third hospital brawl. Eventually Buster breaks I-Man 2's jaw with a super man punch, then hits a senton splash. LEFT Tentacle knocks Zoran off the top rope with a SUCKER PUNCH, into the waiting arms of Buster who locks in a whisky lullaby. Zoran would rather ingest cyanide than quit, but the extra body helps to pin down I-man.
Winner: Funny Business
Rating: ****1/2
Post-Match: LEFT Tentacle helps "Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly hoping that they can leave the unpleasantness of the Intervention Death Match in the past. Apparently not. Friendly sets Sainovic & I-Man 2.0 on fire, then chases LEFT Tentacle out of the arena with a pair of hedge clippers! LEFT Tentacle jumps into Rajiv Khan's cab, and the two drive off into the second season of SWAT on a warm and fuzzy feeling.
I sure do hope Beelzebozo beats Viper at the 2018 Memorial Show.
HIGH RECOMMENDATION!