CLIMAX ~ VVV vs BBB *Carnival Death Match
Nov 16, 2020 16:48:46 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer likes this
Post by radu on Nov 16, 2020 16:48:46 GMT -5
2018 Tanner Memorial
Carnival Death Match
Vile "Vince" Viper vs. "Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly
Jeremy Tucker: Well fans... our next match takes us out of the arena.
Andrew Fulton: That’s right, TripleV has challenged Beelzebozo to meet him at an abandoned carnival.
Jeremy Tucker: These two have had a long running rivalry to see who was the most malevolent, horrible...
Andrew Fulton: Motherfucker.
Jeremy Tucker: Language Andrew... as I was saying, to decide which was the most despicably cruel and crazy monster in the history of Syndicate Wrestling. For the past year, they have been at constant odds. Viper cost Beelzebozo both the royal rumble and Anzac Cup, while the clown denied Viper the ACW heavyweight title.
Andrew Fulton: Its INSANELY rare for TripleV to stick around a federation this long without a title, so you know that pissed him off to NO END.
Jeremy Tucker: In SWAT Europe, their general contempt got significantly more personal, as Viper seemingly ended the career of everyone favourite SWAT wrestler - and Buster’s best friend, The Industrial Man Attila Balan.
Andrew Fulton: If you thought Beelzebozo was unhinged before? I really wouldn’t want to be Viper tonight!
Jeremy Tucker: Their first encounter for the ACW title, and the Anzac Cup confrontation between Funny Business and Better Than Sex are considered SERIOUS match of the year contenders. Despite the unusual setting, this promises to be quite the...
Andrew Fulton: Snuff film.
Jeremy Tucker: Yeah. Parents, please send your children to bed, this promises to both be brutally ugly, and the greatest thing they will ever see. Its all downhill from here.
CARNIVAL FEED
The video feed cuts to the Sonoran desert.
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly staggers through the sand with a whisky bottle in his hand. He almost trips over another whisky bottle. Is he going in circles? The intense heat that comes with wearing a trenchcoat in this barren landscape allows the Atlantic Coast champion to get drunker faster. Science.
Beelzebozo: Balan...
Already incomprehensibly drunk, the red eyed clown curses as he notices the sun setting. Going to get cold soon. As the sky turns magenta, neon lights spark up in the horizon. Are those circus tents, or a mirage?
Brandon Young: You too?
Looking over, Beelzebozo finds himself standing next to Adrian Tanner Jr.’s childhood friend, Brandon Young, and the killer miniature robot, Soundy.
Brandon Young: It gets hard this time of year. Like... close to it.
Beelzebozo looks back down at his bottle of hooch. Some of the pills floating in it haven’t dissolved yet.
The tiny robot tugs on Brandon Young’s pant leg, gesturing towards the big tops ahead of them.
Brandon Young: My buddy here is taking me to a fair to get my mind off of it. Some people say he’s just a robot, but I wouldn’t trade him for the world.
Buster Friendly slowly nods, half listening but appreciating the sentiment. Recognizing a quiet drunk when they see one, Brandon and Soundy start heading towards the circus. Beelzebozo looks back down at his whisky bottle, then drops it into the sand.
Beelzebozo: Not going to drink myself to death... just yet.
Empowered with the healthy living that comes from embracing revenge, Buster Friendly starts to follow the remains of NextWave towards the menacing menagerie in the distance.
The camera follows after him... its a feel good moment, but its still going to take a few minutes to get over their, so lets set their stroll to some music.
#Risin' up, back on the street#
#Did my time, took my chances#
#Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet#
#Just a man and his will to survive#
#So many times, it happens too fast#
#You trade your passion for glory#
#Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past#
#You must fight just to keep them alive#
#It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight#
#Risin' up to the challenge of our rival#
#And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night#
#And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger#
#Face to face, out in the heat#
#Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry#
#They stack the odds 'till we take to the street#
#For the kill with the skill to survive#
#It's the eye of the tiger, it's the dream of the fight#
#Risin' up to the challenge of our rival#
#And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night#
#And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger#
#Risin' up, straight to the top#
#Had the guts, got the glory#
#Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop#
#Just a man and his will to survive#
#It's the eye of the tiger, it's the dream of the fight#
#Risin' up to the challenge of our rival#
#And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night#
#And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger#
#The eye of the tiger#
#The eye of the tig----------
Beelzebozo is PUMPED right the FUCK UP! Isn’t it great to be alive? He’s also arrived at the carnival. Look at those big neon letters.
Just look at them.
“Buster Friendly’s Circus”
He didn’t.
Beelzebozo’s eyes narrow in horror at the sign.
Oh YES he did!
Reaching into his secret pocket, Friendly pulls out a flask. This seems as good a night to die the thousand liver deaths as any.
The remains of NextWave have already wandered in.
Brandon Young: Thanks for the thought, Soundy, but this place seems pretty dead.
“Like what I’ve done with the place?”
The ringmaster steps out from behind a prize counter. Top hat, bright red coat with golden sequins and cartoonishly long coat tails. White gloves hiding brass knuckles. White shirt. Black snakeskin vest. Red bowtie. The devil of SWAT is dressed to impress.
Vile Vince Viper: Apparently Balan was building thisss eyesore for you when he had his little malfunction. Seems like the rest of Luchian Inc. weren’t as enamoured with justifying your existence as that russsty {Mongo Edit: Nah we don't say that anymore}, <pearly yellow> so I got the place for an INCREDIBLE STEAL. I bet you could have set up your whole Menagerie with substantial 401s... <shaking head> I guess this place was your DREAM...
The rest of the attractions all fire up. Ferris wheels spin, rollercoasters jet, and merry go rounds turn... happy music plays, its all quite sinister.
Vile Vince Viper <eyes narrow>: Welcome to your nightmare.
CARNIVAL DEATH MATCH
Letting out an inhuman shriek of rage, “Beelzebozo” Buster Friendly charges through the entrance and down the midway towards his archenemy as fast as possible given the big ass shoes.
Brandon Young: Um. Vile. This is kind of a painful day for us… and um, well, you kind of terrify us, so we’re just going to go.
Vile Vince Viper: Perish the thought Brandon. We need witnesses.
Brandon Young: What about the camer----
Before Young can finish his thought, Viper has thrown a fireball at the charging Beelzebozo, missing the clown by a wide range. No easy feat. Just as Buster Friendly dives at Viper, the fireball catches the camera right in the lens.
SIGNAL LOST
Static. The live feed cuts back to the announcer’s position at the arena.
Jeremy Tucker: We apologize for the interruption fans, we seem to be having some technical difficulties at the other site.
Andrew Fulton: He torched that camera on purpose!
Jeremy Tucker: Of course he did. Viper has been very vocal about this match not being the main event, likening it to Hogan vs Savage curtain jerking for the Brooklyn Brawler taking on Greg Gagne, Miz, Sable and Eva Marie.
Andrew Fulton: I don’t know who any of those people are.
Jeremy Tucker: Me neither, though we can all guess who they represent, and the situation sure has Viper steamed. So he’s obviously beating up cameraman hoping that we’ll run through the rest of the card while waiting for him to come back to air.
Andrew Fulton: That all sounds like something he’d do. Also like something we'd do...
Jeremy Tucker: But the jokes on him. Pesci is so committed to the contest of champions, that he ponied up for TWO camera operators. Take it away, Dave!
CARNIVAL FEED
A SECOND CAMERA shows the smoking remains of the first camera, and the unconscious videographer next to it. SWAT has thought of everything. So Viper hits it with a European upper cut!
SIGNAL LOST
Jeremy Tucker: MOTHER FUCKER!
Andrew Fulton: Language Jeremy!
Jeremy Tucker: Well, I guess its time for the Contest of champions... we should probably send all available camera operators to wander the Sonoran desert... the Arizona part... in search of this match. It was suppose to be the match of the year...
Andrew Fulton: It probably is, we just can’t watch it.
CARNIVAL FEED
The signal cuts back in again, to find Brandon Young cowering behind a hot dog stand, trying to stay out of sight. It should be noted that the image is now from a weird worm’s eye view, and Brandon is SUPER PISSED when he sees it pointed at him.
Brandon Young: Put that thing down Soundy... and stop filming me, I don’t want them to know where I am.
Spike Nelson: Hey Brandon!
Brandon Young: AH!
The BETTER half of Better Than Sex stands over the hot dog stand. A terrified Brandon Young looks like he may have pissed himself, only to breath a sigh of relief at Simply Amazing’s friendly mug.
Spike Nelson: Hi Soundy. Hey Brandon, what are you doing here bud?
Brandon Young: Hiding from your grandfather.
Spike Nelson: He’d be really hurt to hear you say that.
Brandon Young: He kayfabe killed me like seven times in Backyard, and LEGALLY twice. Just keep your voice down, I haven’t seen him in awhile.
Vile Vince Viper: Oh he’s up there.
Soundy zooms out slightly to find that Vile Vince Viper has been two feet away from this conversation the entire time. The king of snakes is currently looking at the Ferris Wheel, which a devastatingly drunk Beelzebozo is climbing.
Speaking of liquid courage, it might be his empty bladder, but Brandon Young decides to man up, throwing himself between cameraman Soundy and the king of snakes.
Brandon Young: Please don’t break him Vile... he’s all I’ve got left.
Vile Vince Viper <checking watch>: Don’t worry, by this point the contest of champions will have ended, or everyone will have killed themselves from boredom. So your diminutive robot is safe.
Spike Nelson: So can we get some cotton candy now, Grandpa? <turning to Brandon with a smile> We’re going to eat it until we’re ready to explode! This is going to be the best Spike-Grandfather Fun Day EVER!
Vile Vince Viper: Here he comesss.
With self-loathing abandon, Beelzebozo throws himself off the Ferris wheel, diving at the king of snakes with a suicidal elbow drop!
Soaring fifty feet through the air!
When you’re this shit faced drunk, you have a hard time with things like depth, so he may not have realized how far he was flying.
...Or which of the three Viper’s he should be aiming at.
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#CRASH#
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Beelzebozo DESTROYS the cotton candy machine ten feet to Viper’s right.
Spike Nelson: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Vile Vince Viper: Making Spike cry? This just got persssonal.
The scarlet serpent starts to lift the unconscious Beelzebozo out of the broken cotton candy machine, only to kneelift him back down into the glass. Grabbing a fistful of greasy hair covered in fluffy pink powdered sugar, VVV rubs the clown’s face into the glass, carving it up, before dragging him out.
Brandon Young: He looks like he’s had enough.
Vile Vince Viper: We’ve ONLY. JUSSST. BEGUN.
Barely lifting him, Viper drags Beelzebozo along the rough pavement by the hair, pulling the large man over to the prize stand that he’d started at. It looks a little beat up from some earlier off screen action, but the glass case is intact.
Vile Vince Viper: So I don’t know if you know this Brandon... but I sort of won a haunted house match last year that entitled me to all of Tanner’s shit. I lossst most of it to a fire, but I did come across a number of valuable minerals... including this little number.
Ramming Beelzebozo’s head into the glass case, again and again, soon turns the white face paint pink... and shatters the glass, to reveal...
The Syndicate Wrestling And Tradition WORLD Heavyweight Title
VVV continues to ram Beelzebozo’s face into sharp corners of the box while cutting a promo. With every word Viper utters, he smashes Friendly’s face for emphasis.
Vile Vince Viper: Turn in your tickets to WIN fabulous prizes! Golden ticketsss? HA! You win one of those at the Halloween Cup, Beelzley? We don’t accept counterfeit crap for our valuable bobblesss! At Buster Friendly’s Carnival - you need to play games to win tickets. We don’t just hand them all away! You have been the ONE THING standing between me and TOTAL DOMINATION... so while the rest of the SSSWAT clowns fight for golden tickets... tonight... you and me... this is for the WORLD TITLE!!!!!!!!!
Leaving Beelzebozo’s mangled corpse in the glass, Vile runs his blood covered white gloves through his air, trying to compose himself.
Vile Vince Viper: So want to play a game? Ssshall I guess your weight?
Beelzebozo: Nah... let me guess... yours...
Vile seems amused that the bloody husk is regaining consciousness, and game.
Beelzebozo: A few pounds less by the minute.
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Pulling a butterfly knife out of his sleeve, Beelzebozo runs it across Viper’s midsection, cutting the bottom half of his vest off, and leaving a ten inch scar across the albino’s now exposed gut.
MONSTER POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The audience pops hard! But when they realize they’re just Brandon and Soundy, they get very quiet and very scared.
Viper starts to retaliate, only to clutch his stomach, trying to keep the torn skin from ripping back further. Blood starts to pour onto the midway.
Beelzebozo: How about a high striker.
TripleV turns just as Beelzebozo NAILS him square in the nuts with a GIANT HAMMER. The force causes the old man to double over, and throw up water. Never a good sign. As Old Scratch assumes the position, Beelzebozo nails him in the back with the hammer! The force causes Vile to collapse onto a strength tester.
Strength Tester: 3!
The puck goes up to 3, but they can do better than that. This isn’t Amazons. Spike Nelson tries to help his grandfather off the bottom of the level, only to jump back at the next hammer swing. Coming down hard on Viper’s back around the area where the tester connects, the puck is sent straight up to the top.
DING!
Strength Tester: 10!
Beelzebozo: Lets get this match started...
DING! DING! DING!
That was cruel.
While Beelzebozo struggles to pull a bottle of vodka out of his trenchcoat, Spike Nelson tries to help his grandfather up. VVV looks like he’s broken a few ribs.
Spike Nelson: I know you don’t need help grandpa but...
Vile looks ready to strangle Spike, happily taking any edge he can get. Another hammer shot, sees Spike duck, and Viper knocked into a whack a mole game.
The impact starts up the game, with plastic moles shooting out of holes, catching Viper in the eye a few times as he desperately tries to pass out on top of it.
A mole pops up two inches from Viper’s nose. Its smiling.
#SMASH#
A massive hammer shot narrowly misses Viper, taking out the mole, and a large piece of the table.
Wide eyed with fear, Viper wakes up fast.
Vile Vince Viper: Two can play at that game.
Forcing himself upright, Viper grabs the giant mallet from the whack a mole game!
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Brandon Young: Duelling Rubber Hammers!
A vicious Beelzebozo giant hammer shot cuts the novelty mallet in two. Desperate, Vile pulls out the next thing he can find to sword fight with.
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Brandon Young: DUELLING GIANT HAMMER VERSUS PLASTIC MOLE NOVELTY ITEM!
What? Vile sees he’s pulled out one of the animatronic moles just as has it batted out of his hand, and probably has his hand broken. Another hammer shot sends a now bloody Viper stumbling back into the hotdog stand.
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Brandon Young: DUELLING GIANT HAMMER VERSUS WEINERS!
His fingers might be bent in all the wrong directions, but your king of snakes has enough function in his mangled digits to hold a fistful of hotdogs he thought was a weapon.
#SMACK#
Yeah, that hand is busted.
Looking for something else to throw, Viper settles on a tub of boiling hot HOT DOG water.
Beelzebozo lets out another inhuman scream, as he tries to block the water with his trenchcoat. Still manages to catch him in the arm, and splash his face a little. Dropping the giant hammer in agony, Beelzebozo rips the steaming coat off his back. The blisters have already started forming on his neck, as he turns around for the...
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Spike Nelson: SATAN’S STRUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brandon Young: BUT VIPER’S FINGERS ARE SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE THEY DON’T CATCH THE EYES!
Grabbing Viper’s messed up hand, Beelzebozo pulls it down towards his own neck, rubbing it in the boiling water that’s peeling off his skin. The blood has a cooling effect on the clown’s third degree burns, while its still hot enough to scald the old man.
Brandon Young: Friendly trying to pull Vile’s arm out of the socket and eventually hiptosses him over into the... oh no!
Spike Nelson: Frog Bog is the best game of all time!!!
Brandon Young: Said nobody ever.
Crushing the king of snakes neck with his size 32 clown shoe, Beelzebozo keeps the old man’s head under the water.
As the bubbles start to lessen, Buster takes another drink from his trusty flask, then poors some out for his dead robotic homie... only to catch it in his hand and drink that too, because he has a serious drinking problem.
Brandon Young: A clown shoe thrust kick sends Viper further back into the pond, and Buster Friendly is loading up that lever.
Spike Nelson: WATCH OUT GRANDPA!!!
Brandon Young: Buster firing plastic frogs at lily ponds, mostly catching Viper in the face. No, that frog caught his hand... kind of a dick move. Vile looks like a drowned rat, broken hand, broken ribs, and just getting buried under those toy frogs!
Spike Nelson: Buster has Jedi accuracy skills! He’s like some sort of drunken master when it comes to Frog Bog.
Brandon Young: I’m surprised you’re not helping Vile double team Friendly.
Spike Nelson: Grandpa wanted to keep this one on one. He was telling me that sometimes a man has to stand on his own two-
Vile Vince Viper: SPIKE HELP ME!
Spike Nelson: ...I’ve got to go.
Viper looks ready to cry as Beelzebozo sends another frog straight into his mouth. Before Friendly can let the stream of frogs assault the already bruised or broken ribs of the ancient one, Spike Nelson catches him in the back with a turntable.
Spike Nelson: Time to have a rap battle... oh.
Sadly the turntable falls into frog bog.
Spinning around, Beelzebozo barely acknowledges the turntable shot, as he sucker punches Simply Amazing, then knocks him away with a Clown Shoe Yakuza kick.
Brandon Young: This might be the best frog bog death match I’ve ever seen. Certainly in the top five! Viper trying to get out of the stupid game, but Beelzebozo keeps knocking him back in. Friendly also keeping Spike Nelson at bay with some vicious right hooks. He’s holding his own against both members of Better Than Sex, but why not, with his double vision, that drunk has been fighting two people all night!
Soundy: Beep.
Viper blinds Beelzebozo with a fistful of circus peanuts, the grittiest substance known to man. This opens a window for Spike to hit a shining wizard. Better Than Sex take turns kicking the clown with their human sized boots.
Brandon Young: Cheap shot puts Buster back on the defensive. Spike Nelson not showing his usual heart as he joins his grandfather in stomping a hole in Friendly.
Soundy: Beep.
Brandon Young: True. Vile trying to get Nelson enthusiastic about this gang beating, bulldogs Beelzebozo into the one thing that no self respecting Jersey Boy can ignore.
Spike Nelson: SCOOCHAMUNGAGOUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soundy: Beep.
Brandon Young: Viper tying the clown’s shoe laces to the lane edges so that Beelzebozo is spread eagle on a-
Spike Nelson: SKEE BALL! God’s sport!
Brandon Young: Spike Nelson’s Jersey is showing. Simply Amazing throwing a skee ball down the lane...
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Vile Vince Viper: Great throw Spike!
Spike Nelson: Thanks Grandpa!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: RIGHT IN THE DICK! SON OF...
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson starts to waver.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Is this the right thing to do?
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Beelzebozo starts trying to undo his shoelaces to free himself, as Spike has a personal crisis...
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson: Grandpa, I’m not sure I should be helping like this.
Beelzebozo: YOU JUST FIGURED THAT OUT!? MY TESTICLES ARE SWELLING TO THE SIZE OF FUCKING SKEE BA------ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Vile Vince Viper: But Spike <holding up a bunch of tickets> look at how many ticketsss you’ve picked up! You could be the world champion before me! A winner is you!
Girls like winners! Spike throws another skee ball, which hits Buster Friendly square in his elephant sized – formerly mouse sized – junk... but Simply Amazing’s heart isn’t in it.
Spike Nelson: I’m starting to get a tummy ache.
Is Spike growing a conscience? He’s watched the Grinch that Stole Christmas so many times, this could be the only way to develop one.
Vile Vince Viper: It sounds more like an ulcer, no doubt worried... NOT because you were doing anything bad, but just thinking about what that ssscary drunk was doing to your poor grandfather.
Spike Nelson: Oh.
Vile Vince Viper: Now throw another skee ball. Lets stop this parasite from unleashing more bastards on the world.
Bastards. Another touchy subject in the Nelson house. Before Viper can wax over his social faux pas with some more hilarious genital mutilation, a shoeless Beelzebozo takes Better Than Sex out with a double closeline.
Brandon Young: Beelzebozo freeing himself from that skee ball lane, taking out Better Than Sex! Spike Nelson rolling away, lost in a moral dilemma – which leaves Viper to take the clown’s bow legged wraith!
Soundy: Beep.
Brandon Young: You said it!
Beelzebozo: You want a prize! Try this!
Reaching up at one of the gambling booths, Beelzebozo rips off a cheaply made Korean stuffed purple dolphin. He slams it over VVV’s head. Vile doesn’t sell for stuffed animals, so Beelzebozo makes sure to stand on his broken fingers while using the toy.
Spike Nelson: I’m coming Grandpa...
Simply Amazing tries to interject himself again, only to eat a stuffed animal shot, which he sells like death!
Vile Vince Viper: NO SSSELL IT, SPIKE!
Spike Nelson: I’m trying Grandpa!
It might be the ulcer bleeding out, but Spike curls up in a fetal position and starts shaking violently.
Beelzebozo: Don’t you ever shut up.
Pulling the dolphin’s head off, Beelzebozo pulls out a fistful of stuffing, and shoves it down Viper’s gullet. Then another fistful! Viper starts to roll around, choking violently.
Brandon Young: Buster Friendly trying to suffocate Viper with that cheap toy stuffing! Vile is turning red, and he’s an albino by the way!
Grabbing a bowling pin from one of the games of chance, Beelzebozo decides to beat Viper out of their misery. The old man rolls with each shot, trying to pull the garbage out of his mouth, or create an air hole. Finally one of the bowling pin shots, sends him crashing into the merry-go-round.
MERRY-GO-ROUND DEATH MATCH
Brandon Young: Beelzebozo beating Viper onto that merry-go-round, and decides to follow up... nope... Friendly’s equilibrium in his current state wants NO PART of that moving platform.
Soundy: Beep.
Brandon Young: He’s ready to finish Vile off, but wants to wait for the corpse to circle back around.
Holding his balls in pain with one hand, while raising the bowling pin like a baseball bat with the other, Buster Friendly waits for the merry go round to bring Viper back for the death kill.
The old man can barely defend himself, but he does have a lighter. If he can’t dig the blockage out, he’s going to have to burn it out...
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Vile Vince Viper: YOGA FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Igniting the stuffing, Viper blows a huge fire ball at Beelzebozo!
Brandon Young: Buster Friendly ON FIRE!!! And Viper catching his breath, looking to the games of chance for more props!!! Here it is - an air gun!
No sooner has Buster Friendly rolled the fire out, then VVV is shooting him with an air gun. That tickles.
PFFT!
PFFT!
PFFT!
Rather than going for real damage, Viper starts to herd Beelzebozo towards another ride. Everytime that Beelzebozo tries to no sell the gunshots, he takes another to the groin... which is hard to protect at its current size.
Brandon Young: Viper sending Beelzebozo over towards the rollercoaster. Spike Nelson is sitting on it, currently staring off into space.
Vile Vince Viper: What’s a carnival without rides? You too!
Brandon Young: I’m not comfortable with roller coasters... those things are death traps.
Vile Vince Viper <infamous scowl>: I wasn’t asking.
Firing at their feet, Viper herds Brandon and Soundy onto the rollercoaster as well.
Out of ammo.
Vile Vince Viper: Oh.
Vile tries to swing the gun like a club, only for Beelzebozo to spear into him another cart. Brandon starts to get up to leave, but the neck rests come down, firmly strapping him and Spike into the ride. Soundy is too short, and the active participants brawling like lunatics.
ROLLERCOASTER DEATH MATCH
Brandon Young <covering eyes>: I CAN’T WATCH!!!
The rollercoaster slowly starts to rise up above the carnival grounds. From the third compartment, Beelzebozo and Viper trade shots - but the state of Viper’s left hand definitely gives Buster the edge. Its all VVV can do to work a few low blows in to keep it from being completely one sided.
Brandon Young: TELL ME WHEN ITS OVER!!!
Soundy: Beep.
Beelzebozo tries to hiptoss Viper off the ride, but the old man puts the breaks on, and thumbs him in the throat.
A shoulderblock almost knocks Beelzebozo backwards. They’re a good sixty feet up in the air. Friendly teases falling out, only to grab Viper by the throat.
The old man pulls them both back in.
This thing sure is high.
Brandon Young: I’m going to be sick!
While being choked, Vile tries to force his broken hand into a devil hand gesture for the satan’s strut.
Then they reach the top.
Before Vile can hit his patented eye gouge, the rollercoaster starts to barrel down at 120 miles per hour. Not strapped in, both men go tumbling up from the third cart to the sixth one.
Beelzebozo tries to kick Viper off, only to have his leg bitten.
Both men are trying to hang on for dear life while throwing whatever punches and kicks they can at each other.
There’s a loop.
They somehow hang on.
Then there’s a second loop.
The two men, and robot holding a camera, go airborne.
Ever the showman, Beelzebozo tries to make it look like he’s hitting Viper with a Superman punch. Its hard to tell if the punch hits, before both men go plummeting into the fun house roof.
Spike Nelson: GRANDPA!!!
Brandon Young: WHAT AM I MISSING?!
The roof breaks.
SIGNAL LOST
...
CARNIVAL FEED
When Soundy gets back up, the three men have fallen through the roof into a house of mirrors.
Beelzebozo slowly rises to his feet, only to be confronted by a few dozen images of his burnt, scared face.
Vile Vince Viper fortunately managed to break his fall... With a mirror that’s currently sticking out of his shoulder.
Both men inspect their surroundings, mostly ugly images of themselves starring back at them.
Something doesn’t feel right about this set-up.
Vile Vince Viper: I didn’t even know this place had a house of mirrorsss. You’d think they’d have to declare that with a bill of sale...
#SMASH#
Beelzebozo punches a mirror with Vipers reflection on it. His hand is cut to ribbons by the broken glass.
Spike Nelson: Grandpa, are you alright?!
Having found a way off the roller coaster, Spike Nelson and Brandon Young stare down from the hole in the ceiling.
Brandon Young: You there, Soundy?
Soundy: Beep.
Spike Nelson: Hang on, I’ll find a way down.
Vile Vince Viper: Don’t Spike, thisss place...
“Welcome.”
The few hundred mirrors light up with a hologram of Attila Balan.
Beelzebozo: heh.
AB : Buster. If your optical recepticals are reviewing this information, than this unit is no longer functioning to analyze your further developments into the best Buster Friendly you can become. It also means that you have achieved this state of effeiency without Luchian Inc.’s further assistance. Congratulations. This unit’s probability simulator had 0% doubt that it would occur.
Vile Vince Viper: DON’T COME DOWN HERE SPIKE!!!
#THUD#
Spike Nelson: I’ll save you grandpa.
Jumping down, Spike now finds himself faced with hundreds of mirrors, some featuring him, others Vile, others Beelzebozo, mostly Balan.
Spike Nelson: This is just like on Dagobah.
AB : This unit’s cerebral cortex recognized that you could only reach that final evolution by yourself, Buster. If this unit’s central processing unit allowed for feelings, it would miss you a great deal. All known data suggests that humanoids like yourself require closure. It was also this unit’s larger design that you would have a final challenge where you could understand how much you have changed and grown since our experiment first started. It is Luchian Inc.’s hope that the following test will provide both for you.
Vile Vince Viper: SPIKE LOOK FOR AN EXIT!
AB : Standing before you is a reflection of Beelzebozo. Or is it Buster Friendly? To better yourself, you must embrace yourself. Recognize the flaws, but do not be defined by them. There are new paths available to you. This circus is not a gift, recognize your own worth, and that you have earned it. The path is up to you.
A red light starts to flash.
AB : A three-minute timer has been set. If you fail to reach the exit of this house of mirrors before that countdown ends, you will be trapped in here. At that point, a Hell’s Bouncer promo will be played on loop, reflected in these five hundred mirrors. A soul stripping experience this unit would not wish on its worst enemy, let alone its best friend. The door will be open in six hours, but our research and development team finds it will feel like a hundred years, and render any victims quivering organ sacks void of any psyche.
Viper and Spike start desperately running around corners, feeling out reflective glass as they look for an exit. A calmer Beelzebozo stares at the image of his friend.
AB : Should your memory banks hold any thoughts of this unit, it is Luchian’s hope that you will step on flowers, they are revolting. You can do this Buster. You always could. Goodbye my friend.
The hologram cuts out.
A desperate VVV starts to spit black venom at mirrors, attempting to mark off the reflections to clear a path. The reflections of black just make it harder.
Vile Vince Viper: That stupid fucking robot.
Seeing a reflection of Viper running towards him, Beelzebozo puts his hand through one of the mirrors. #CRASH#
Viper’s reflection looks startled, only for another mirror to bite the dust. #CRASH#
Beelzebozo then turns to his own reflection, and punches through it too.
Wrapping his good arm in his ringmaster coat for protection, Viper starts to charge through sheets of glasses. His broken hand dripping blood behind him. The coat protects a little, but is cut to ribbons in seconds. The flying glass nicks his face.
Spike Nelson has somehow managed to get stuck to one of the mirrors covered in black venom.
Having given up his shoes at the skee ball lanes, Beelzebozo stomps bowlegged through broken glass, looking more like John McClane by the second.
Brandon Young: To the left Soundy, nah, your other left!
Brandon’s less than helpful advice is soon drowned out as the two men smash mirror after mirror. Some looking like their nemesis, others looking like themselves. It’s hard to say which they hit harder.
Beelzebozo goes to knock out another Viper reflection, only to catch the real on on the chin.
Spitting up blood, Viper stomps on Beelzebozo’s foot, grinding the glass in.
Fighting through the pain, Beelzebozo lifts Viper up in the air, spearing him through four rows of mirrors. Without the coat on, the glass makes quick work of VVV’s back.
Putting the breaks on, Viper manages to lock on a headlock, and twist Beelzebozo through two other mirrors.
Grabbing large shards of glass from the floor, Buster and Viper start to have knife fights, pushing one another through mirrors when not actively stabbing at each other.
The floors are dripping with gore, with neither man showing any sense of stopping.
Soundy attempts to pull Spike Nelson off of his tar soaked mirror, only to break it, revealing an exit.
One minute.
As the knife fight starts to escalate further, Soundy abandons the action, taking the mirror outside.
Spike Nelson: Over here!
45 seconds.
Taking a shard of glass to the throat, VVV pulls Friendly into a bearhug and starts headbutting glass down into Friendly’s face. He’s starting to resemble jigsaw.
Jumping forwards Beelzebozo throws himself and Viper through another mirror. Both men roll around in pain.
20 seconds.
Noticing the exit, all three men make a break for it. Beelzebozo has bloody stubs for feet, elephant testicles, and was too drunk to walk to begin with. Spike Nelson can only shift side to side because most of his body has been glued to mirror by his grandfather’s horrible black venom... and Viper is old. Its quite a race.
10 seconds.
Viper rushes path both men to the exit.
8 seconds.
Beelzebozo can barely stand on his feet.
5 seconds.
Beelzebozo grabs Spike Nelson...
4
3
2
...and throws him out before the gate closes.
As the door swings shut, the hole in the ceiling allows you to hear a promo cueing up, and the silent acceptance of a slow and agonizing death.
Unsure of what just happen, Spike manages to break the mirror he’s attached to, as he falls down on his knees. Grabbing the door, Spike desperate tries to pull it up. Use all of his strength. Only to drop to his knees, waiting for the horrible end of his rapping rival.
The former NextWave member climbs down the side of the Fun House to join the camera operator.
Brandon Young: You thought this was going to get my mind off of it?!
Soundy: Beep.
Brandon Young: ...robots.
Having immediately cleared out, Vile Vince Viper smiles to the heavens that he has once again cheated death, and vanquished the only man who could beat him. Cackling like an insensitive field, Viper grabs Soundy by the neck and drags the camera operator over to the prize table.
Vile Vince Viper: There you have it...
Reaching into the table, Viper pulls out his SWAT World title, holding it up for the camera.
Vile Vince Viper: WAS THERE EVER ANY DOUBT? Ha! Follow THAT, motherfuckers!
The Devil of SWAT spits blood at the camera. Through the crimson red you can still see his silhouette posing with Adrian Tanner’s world title.
Jeremy Tucker: Well fans... our next match takes us out of the arena.
Andrew Fulton: That’s right, TripleV has challenged Beelzebozo to meet him at an abandoned carnival.
Jeremy Tucker: These two have had a long running rivalry to see who was the most malevolent, horrible...
Andrew Fulton: Motherfucker.
Jeremy Tucker: Language Andrew... as I was saying, to decide which was the most despicably cruel and crazy monster in the history of Syndicate Wrestling. For the past year, they have been at constant odds. Viper cost Beelzebozo both the royal rumble and Anzac Cup, while the clown denied Viper the ACW heavyweight title.
Andrew Fulton: Its INSANELY rare for TripleV to stick around a federation this long without a title, so you know that pissed him off to NO END.
Jeremy Tucker: In SWAT Europe, their general contempt got significantly more personal, as Viper seemingly ended the career of everyone favourite SWAT wrestler - and Buster’s best friend, The Industrial Man Attila Balan.
Andrew Fulton: If you thought Beelzebozo was unhinged before? I really wouldn’t want to be Viper tonight!
Jeremy Tucker: Their first encounter for the ACW title, and the Anzac Cup confrontation between Funny Business and Better Than Sex are considered SERIOUS match of the year contenders. Despite the unusual setting, this promises to be quite the...
Andrew Fulton: Snuff film.
Jeremy Tucker: Yeah. Parents, please send your children to bed, this promises to both be brutally ugly, and the greatest thing they will ever see. Its all downhill from here.
CARNIVAL FEED
The video feed cuts to the Sonoran desert.
"Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly staggers through the sand with a whisky bottle in his hand. He almost trips over another whisky bottle. Is he going in circles? The intense heat that comes with wearing a trenchcoat in this barren landscape allows the Atlantic Coast champion to get drunker faster. Science.
Beelzebozo: Balan...
Already incomprehensibly drunk, the red eyed clown curses as he notices the sun setting. Going to get cold soon. As the sky turns magenta, neon lights spark up in the horizon. Are those circus tents, or a mirage?
Brandon Young: You too?
Looking over, Beelzebozo finds himself standing next to Adrian Tanner Jr.’s childhood friend, Brandon Young, and the killer miniature robot, Soundy.
Brandon Young: It gets hard this time of year. Like... close to it.
Beelzebozo looks back down at his bottle of hooch. Some of the pills floating in it haven’t dissolved yet.
The tiny robot tugs on Brandon Young’s pant leg, gesturing towards the big tops ahead of them.
Brandon Young: My buddy here is taking me to a fair to get my mind off of it. Some people say he’s just a robot, but I wouldn’t trade him for the world.
Buster Friendly slowly nods, half listening but appreciating the sentiment. Recognizing a quiet drunk when they see one, Brandon and Soundy start heading towards the circus. Beelzebozo looks back down at his whisky bottle, then drops it into the sand.
Beelzebozo: Not going to drink myself to death... just yet.
Empowered with the healthy living that comes from embracing revenge, Buster Friendly starts to follow the remains of NextWave towards the menacing menagerie in the distance.
The camera follows after him... its a feel good moment, but its still going to take a few minutes to get over their, so lets set their stroll to some music.
#Risin' up, back on the street#
#Did my time, took my chances#
#Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet#
#Just a man and his will to survive#
#So many times, it happens too fast#
#You trade your passion for glory#
#Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past#
#You must fight just to keep them alive#
#It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight#
#Risin' up to the challenge of our rival#
#And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night#
#And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger#
#Face to face, out in the heat#
#Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry#
#They stack the odds 'till we take to the street#
#For the kill with the skill to survive#
#It's the eye of the tiger, it's the dream of the fight#
#Risin' up to the challenge of our rival#
#And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night#
#And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger#
#Risin' up, straight to the top#
#Had the guts, got the glory#
#Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop#
#Just a man and his will to survive#
#It's the eye of the tiger, it's the dream of the fight#
#Risin' up to the challenge of our rival#
#And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night#
#And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger#
#The eye of the tiger#
#The eye of the tig----------
Beelzebozo is PUMPED right the FUCK UP! Isn’t it great to be alive? He’s also arrived at the carnival. Look at those big neon letters.
Just look at them.
“Buster Friendly’s Circus”
He didn’t.
Beelzebozo’s eyes narrow in horror at the sign.
Oh YES he did!
Reaching into his secret pocket, Friendly pulls out a flask. This seems as good a night to die the thousand liver deaths as any.
The remains of NextWave have already wandered in.
Brandon Young: Thanks for the thought, Soundy, but this place seems pretty dead.
“Like what I’ve done with the place?”
The ringmaster steps out from behind a prize counter. Top hat, bright red coat with golden sequins and cartoonishly long coat tails. White gloves hiding brass knuckles. White shirt. Black snakeskin vest. Red bowtie. The devil of SWAT is dressed to impress.
Vile Vince Viper: Apparently Balan was building thisss eyesore for you when he had his little malfunction. Seems like the rest of Luchian Inc. weren’t as enamoured with justifying your existence as that russsty {Mongo Edit: Nah we don't say that anymore}, <pearly yellow> so I got the place for an INCREDIBLE STEAL. I bet you could have set up your whole Menagerie with substantial 401s... <shaking head> I guess this place was your DREAM...
The rest of the attractions all fire up. Ferris wheels spin, rollercoasters jet, and merry go rounds turn... happy music plays, its all quite sinister.
Vile Vince Viper <eyes narrow>: Welcome to your nightmare.
CARNIVAL DEATH MATCH
Letting out an inhuman shriek of rage, “Beelzebozo” Buster Friendly charges through the entrance and down the midway towards his archenemy as fast as possible given the big ass shoes.
Brandon Young: Um. Vile. This is kind of a painful day for us… and um, well, you kind of terrify us, so we’re just going to go.
Vile Vince Viper: Perish the thought Brandon. We need witnesses.
Brandon Young: What about the camer----
Before Young can finish his thought, Viper has thrown a fireball at the charging Beelzebozo, missing the clown by a wide range. No easy feat. Just as Buster Friendly dives at Viper, the fireball catches the camera right in the lens.
SIGNAL LOST
Static. The live feed cuts back to the announcer’s position at the arena.
Jeremy Tucker: We apologize for the interruption fans, we seem to be having some technical difficulties at the other site.
Andrew Fulton: He torched that camera on purpose!
Jeremy Tucker: Of course he did. Viper has been very vocal about this match not being the main event, likening it to Hogan vs Savage curtain jerking for the Brooklyn Brawler taking on Greg Gagne, Miz, Sable and Eva Marie.
Andrew Fulton: I don’t know who any of those people are.
Jeremy Tucker: Me neither, though we can all guess who they represent, and the situation sure has Viper steamed. So he’s obviously beating up cameraman hoping that we’ll run through the rest of the card while waiting for him to come back to air.
Andrew Fulton: That all sounds like something he’d do. Also like something we'd do...
Jeremy Tucker: But the jokes on him. Pesci is so committed to the contest of champions, that he ponied up for TWO camera operators. Take it away, Dave!
CARNIVAL FEED
A SECOND CAMERA shows the smoking remains of the first camera, and the unconscious videographer next to it. SWAT has thought of everything. So Viper hits it with a European upper cut!
SIGNAL LOST
Jeremy Tucker: MOTHER FUCKER!
Andrew Fulton: Language Jeremy!
Jeremy Tucker: Well, I guess its time for the Contest of champions... we should probably send all available camera operators to wander the Sonoran desert... the Arizona part... in search of this match. It was suppose to be the match of the year...
Andrew Fulton: It probably is, we just can’t watch it.
CARNIVAL FEED
The signal cuts back in again, to find Brandon Young cowering behind a hot dog stand, trying to stay out of sight. It should be noted that the image is now from a weird worm’s eye view, and Brandon is SUPER PISSED when he sees it pointed at him.
Brandon Young: Put that thing down Soundy... and stop filming me, I don’t want them to know where I am.
Spike Nelson: Hey Brandon!
Brandon Young: AH!
The BETTER half of Better Than Sex stands over the hot dog stand. A terrified Brandon Young looks like he may have pissed himself, only to breath a sigh of relief at Simply Amazing’s friendly mug.
Spike Nelson: Hi Soundy. Hey Brandon, what are you doing here bud?
Brandon Young: Hiding from your grandfather.
Spike Nelson: He’d be really hurt to hear you say that.
Brandon Young: He kayfabe killed me like seven times in Backyard, and LEGALLY twice. Just keep your voice down, I haven’t seen him in awhile.
Vile Vince Viper: Oh he’s up there.
Soundy zooms out slightly to find that Vile Vince Viper has been two feet away from this conversation the entire time. The king of snakes is currently looking at the Ferris Wheel, which a devastatingly drunk Beelzebozo is climbing.
Speaking of liquid courage, it might be his empty bladder, but Brandon Young decides to man up, throwing himself between cameraman Soundy and the king of snakes.
Brandon Young: Please don’t break him Vile... he’s all I’ve got left.
Vile Vince Viper <checking watch>: Don’t worry, by this point the contest of champions will have ended, or everyone will have killed themselves from boredom. So your diminutive robot is safe.
Spike Nelson: So can we get some cotton candy now, Grandpa? <turning to Brandon with a smile> We’re going to eat it until we’re ready to explode! This is going to be the best Spike-Grandfather Fun Day EVER!
Vile Vince Viper: Here he comesss.
With self-loathing abandon, Beelzebozo throws himself off the Ferris wheel, diving at the king of snakes with a suicidal elbow drop!
Soaring fifty feet through the air!
When you’re this shit faced drunk, you have a hard time with things like depth, so he may not have realized how far he was flying.
...Or which of the three Viper’s he should be aiming at.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
#CRASH#
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Beelzebozo DESTROYS the cotton candy machine ten feet to Viper’s right.
Spike Nelson: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Vile Vince Viper: Making Spike cry? This just got persssonal.
The scarlet serpent starts to lift the unconscious Beelzebozo out of the broken cotton candy machine, only to kneelift him back down into the glass. Grabbing a fistful of greasy hair covered in fluffy pink powdered sugar, VVV rubs the clown’s face into the glass, carving it up, before dragging him out.
Brandon Young: He looks like he’s had enough.
Vile Vince Viper: We’ve ONLY. JUSSST. BEGUN.
Barely lifting him, Viper drags Beelzebozo along the rough pavement by the hair, pulling the large man over to the prize stand that he’d started at. It looks a little beat up from some earlier off screen action, but the glass case is intact.
Vile Vince Viper: So I don’t know if you know this Brandon... but I sort of won a haunted house match last year that entitled me to all of Tanner’s shit. I lossst most of it to a fire, but I did come across a number of valuable minerals... including this little number.
Ramming Beelzebozo’s head into the glass case, again and again, soon turns the white face paint pink... and shatters the glass, to reveal...
The Syndicate Wrestling And Tradition WORLD Heavyweight Title
VVV continues to ram Beelzebozo’s face into sharp corners of the box while cutting a promo. With every word Viper utters, he smashes Friendly’s face for emphasis.
Vile Vince Viper: Turn in your tickets to WIN fabulous prizes! Golden ticketsss? HA! You win one of those at the Halloween Cup, Beelzley? We don’t accept counterfeit crap for our valuable bobblesss! At Buster Friendly’s Carnival - you need to play games to win tickets. We don’t just hand them all away! You have been the ONE THING standing between me and TOTAL DOMINATION... so while the rest of the SSSWAT clowns fight for golden tickets... tonight... you and me... this is for the WORLD TITLE!!!!!!!!!
Leaving Beelzebozo’s mangled corpse in the glass, Vile runs his blood covered white gloves through his air, trying to compose himself.
Vile Vince Viper: So want to play a game? Ssshall I guess your weight?
Beelzebozo: Nah... let me guess... yours...
Vile seems amused that the bloody husk is regaining consciousness, and game.
Beelzebozo: A few pounds less by the minute.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Pulling a butterfly knife out of his sleeve, Beelzebozo runs it across Viper’s midsection, cutting the bottom half of his vest off, and leaving a ten inch scar across the albino’s now exposed gut.
MONSTER POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The audience pops hard! But when they realize they’re just Brandon and Soundy, they get very quiet and very scared.
Viper starts to retaliate, only to clutch his stomach, trying to keep the torn skin from ripping back further. Blood starts to pour onto the midway.
Beelzebozo: How about a high striker.
TripleV turns just as Beelzebozo NAILS him square in the nuts with a GIANT HAMMER. The force causes the old man to double over, and throw up water. Never a good sign. As Old Scratch assumes the position, Beelzebozo nails him in the back with the hammer! The force causes Vile to collapse onto a strength tester.
Strength Tester: 3!
The puck goes up to 3, but they can do better than that. This isn’t Amazons. Spike Nelson tries to help his grandfather off the bottom of the level, only to jump back at the next hammer swing. Coming down hard on Viper’s back around the area where the tester connects, the puck is sent straight up to the top.
DING!
Strength Tester: 10!
Beelzebozo: Lets get this match started...
DING! DING! DING!
That was cruel.
While Beelzebozo struggles to pull a bottle of vodka out of his trenchcoat, Spike Nelson tries to help his grandfather up. VVV looks like he’s broken a few ribs.
Spike Nelson: I know you don’t need help grandpa but...
Vile looks ready to strangle Spike, happily taking any edge he can get. Another hammer shot, sees Spike duck, and Viper knocked into a whack a mole game.
The impact starts up the game, with plastic moles shooting out of holes, catching Viper in the eye a few times as he desperately tries to pass out on top of it.
A mole pops up two inches from Viper’s nose. Its smiling.
#SMASH#
A massive hammer shot narrowly misses Viper, taking out the mole, and a large piece of the table.
Wide eyed with fear, Viper wakes up fast.
Vile Vince Viper: Two can play at that game.
Forcing himself upright, Viper grabs the giant mallet from the whack a mole game!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Brandon Young: Duelling Rubber Hammers!
A vicious Beelzebozo giant hammer shot cuts the novelty mallet in two. Desperate, Vile pulls out the next thing he can find to sword fight with.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Brandon Young: DUELLING GIANT HAMMER VERSUS PLASTIC MOLE NOVELTY ITEM!
What? Vile sees he’s pulled out one of the animatronic moles just as has it batted out of his hand, and probably has his hand broken. Another hammer shot sends a now bloody Viper stumbling back into the hotdog stand.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Brandon Young: DUELLING GIANT HAMMER VERSUS WEINERS!
His fingers might be bent in all the wrong directions, but your king of snakes has enough function in his mangled digits to hold a fistful of hotdogs he thought was a weapon.
#SMACK#
Yeah, that hand is busted.
Looking for something else to throw, Viper settles on a tub of boiling hot HOT DOG water.
Beelzebozo lets out another inhuman scream, as he tries to block the water with his trenchcoat. Still manages to catch him in the arm, and splash his face a little. Dropping the giant hammer in agony, Beelzebozo rips the steaming coat off his back. The blisters have already started forming on his neck, as he turns around for the...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Spike Nelson: SATAN’S STRUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brandon Young: BUT VIPER’S FINGERS ARE SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE THEY DON’T CATCH THE EYES!
Grabbing Viper’s messed up hand, Beelzebozo pulls it down towards his own neck, rubbing it in the boiling water that’s peeling off his skin. The blood has a cooling effect on the clown’s third degree burns, while its still hot enough to scald the old man.
Brandon Young: Friendly trying to pull Vile’s arm out of the socket and eventually hiptosses him over into the... oh no!
Spike Nelson: Frog Bog is the best game of all time!!!
Brandon Young: Said nobody ever.
Crushing the king of snakes neck with his size 32 clown shoe, Beelzebozo keeps the old man’s head under the water.
As the bubbles start to lessen, Buster takes another drink from his trusty flask, then poors some out for his dead robotic homie... only to catch it in his hand and drink that too, because he has a serious drinking problem.
Brandon Young: A clown shoe thrust kick sends Viper further back into the pond, and Buster Friendly is loading up that lever.
Spike Nelson: WATCH OUT GRANDPA!!!
Brandon Young: Buster firing plastic frogs at lily ponds, mostly catching Viper in the face. No, that frog caught his hand... kind of a dick move. Vile looks like a drowned rat, broken hand, broken ribs, and just getting buried under those toy frogs!
Spike Nelson: Buster has Jedi accuracy skills! He’s like some sort of drunken master when it comes to Frog Bog.
Brandon Young: I’m surprised you’re not helping Vile double team Friendly.
Spike Nelson: Grandpa wanted to keep this one on one. He was telling me that sometimes a man has to stand on his own two-
Vile Vince Viper: SPIKE HELP ME!
Spike Nelson: ...I’ve got to go.
Viper looks ready to cry as Beelzebozo sends another frog straight into his mouth. Before Friendly can let the stream of frogs assault the already bruised or broken ribs of the ancient one, Spike Nelson catches him in the back with a turntable.
Spike Nelson: Time to have a rap battle... oh.
Sadly the turntable falls into frog bog.
Spinning around, Beelzebozo barely acknowledges the turntable shot, as he sucker punches Simply Amazing, then knocks him away with a Clown Shoe Yakuza kick.
Brandon Young: This might be the best frog bog death match I’ve ever seen. Certainly in the top five! Viper trying to get out of the stupid game, but Beelzebozo keeps knocking him back in. Friendly also keeping Spike Nelson at bay with some vicious right hooks. He’s holding his own against both members of Better Than Sex, but why not, with his double vision, that drunk has been fighting two people all night!
Soundy: Beep.
Viper blinds Beelzebozo with a fistful of circus peanuts, the grittiest substance known to man. This opens a window for Spike to hit a shining wizard. Better Than Sex take turns kicking the clown with their human sized boots.
Brandon Young: Cheap shot puts Buster back on the defensive. Spike Nelson not showing his usual heart as he joins his grandfather in stomping a hole in Friendly.
Soundy: Beep.
Brandon Young: True. Vile trying to get Nelson enthusiastic about this gang beating, bulldogs Beelzebozo into the one thing that no self respecting Jersey Boy can ignore.
Spike Nelson: SCOOCHAMUNGAGOUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soundy: Beep.
Brandon Young: Viper tying the clown’s shoe laces to the lane edges so that Beelzebozo is spread eagle on a-
Spike Nelson: SKEE BALL! God’s sport!
Brandon Young: Spike Nelson’s Jersey is showing. Simply Amazing throwing a skee ball down the lane...
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Vile Vince Viper: Great throw Spike!
Spike Nelson: Thanks Grandpa!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: RIGHT IN THE DICK! SON OF...
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson throws a skee ball.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson starts to waver.
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Is this the right thing to do?
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Beelzebozo starts trying to undo his shoelaces to free himself, as Spike has a personal crisis...
Beelzebozo: ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Spike Nelson: Grandpa, I’m not sure I should be helping like this.
Beelzebozo: YOU JUST FIGURED THAT OUT!? MY TESTICLES ARE SWELLING TO THE SIZE OF FUCKING SKEE BA------ARGH! MY CROTCH!
Vile Vince Viper: But Spike <holding up a bunch of tickets> look at how many ticketsss you’ve picked up! You could be the world champion before me! A winner is you!
Girls like winners! Spike throws another skee ball, which hits Buster Friendly square in his elephant sized – formerly mouse sized – junk... but Simply Amazing’s heart isn’t in it.
Spike Nelson: I’m starting to get a tummy ache.
Is Spike growing a conscience? He’s watched the Grinch that Stole Christmas so many times, this could be the only way to develop one.
Vile Vince Viper: It sounds more like an ulcer, no doubt worried... NOT because you were doing anything bad, but just thinking about what that ssscary drunk was doing to your poor grandfather.
Spike Nelson: Oh.
Vile Vince Viper: Now throw another skee ball. Lets stop this parasite from unleashing more bastards on the world.
Bastards. Another touchy subject in the Nelson house. Before Viper can wax over his social faux pas with some more hilarious genital mutilation, a shoeless Beelzebozo takes Better Than Sex out with a double closeline.
Brandon Young: Beelzebozo freeing himself from that skee ball lane, taking out Better Than Sex! Spike Nelson rolling away, lost in a moral dilemma – which leaves Viper to take the clown’s bow legged wraith!
Soundy: Beep.
Brandon Young: You said it!
Beelzebozo: You want a prize! Try this!
Reaching up at one of the gambling booths, Beelzebozo rips off a cheaply made Korean stuffed purple dolphin. He slams it over VVV’s head. Vile doesn’t sell for stuffed animals, so Beelzebozo makes sure to stand on his broken fingers while using the toy.
Spike Nelson: I’m coming Grandpa...
Simply Amazing tries to interject himself again, only to eat a stuffed animal shot, which he sells like death!
Vile Vince Viper: NO SSSELL IT, SPIKE!
Spike Nelson: I’m trying Grandpa!
It might be the ulcer bleeding out, but Spike curls up in a fetal position and starts shaking violently.
Beelzebozo: Don’t you ever shut up.
Pulling the dolphin’s head off, Beelzebozo pulls out a fistful of stuffing, and shoves it down Viper’s gullet. Then another fistful! Viper starts to roll around, choking violently.
Brandon Young: Buster Friendly trying to suffocate Viper with that cheap toy stuffing! Vile is turning red, and he’s an albino by the way!
Grabbing a bowling pin from one of the games of chance, Beelzebozo decides to beat Viper out of their misery. The old man rolls with each shot, trying to pull the garbage out of his mouth, or create an air hole. Finally one of the bowling pin shots, sends him crashing into the merry-go-round.
MERRY-GO-ROUND DEATH MATCH
Brandon Young: Beelzebozo beating Viper onto that merry-go-round, and decides to follow up... nope... Friendly’s equilibrium in his current state wants NO PART of that moving platform.
Soundy: Beep.
Brandon Young: He’s ready to finish Vile off, but wants to wait for the corpse to circle back around.
Holding his balls in pain with one hand, while raising the bowling pin like a baseball bat with the other, Buster Friendly waits for the merry go round to bring Viper back for the death kill.
The old man can barely defend himself, but he does have a lighter. If he can’t dig the blockage out, he’s going to have to burn it out...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Vile Vince Viper: YOGA FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Igniting the stuffing, Viper blows a huge fire ball at Beelzebozo!
Brandon Young: Buster Friendly ON FIRE!!! And Viper catching his breath, looking to the games of chance for more props!!! Here it is - an air gun!
No sooner has Buster Friendly rolled the fire out, then VVV is shooting him with an air gun. That tickles.
PFFT!
PFFT!
PFFT!
Rather than going for real damage, Viper starts to herd Beelzebozo towards another ride. Everytime that Beelzebozo tries to no sell the gunshots, he takes another to the groin... which is hard to protect at its current size.
Brandon Young: Viper sending Beelzebozo over towards the rollercoaster. Spike Nelson is sitting on it, currently staring off into space.
Vile Vince Viper: What’s a carnival without rides? You too!
Brandon Young: I’m not comfortable with roller coasters... those things are death traps.
Vile Vince Viper <infamous scowl>: I wasn’t asking.
Firing at their feet, Viper herds Brandon and Soundy onto the rollercoaster as well.
Out of ammo.
Vile Vince Viper: Oh.
Vile tries to swing the gun like a club, only for Beelzebozo to spear into him another cart. Brandon starts to get up to leave, but the neck rests come down, firmly strapping him and Spike into the ride. Soundy is too short, and the active participants brawling like lunatics.
ROLLERCOASTER DEATH MATCH
Brandon Young <covering eyes>: I CAN’T WATCH!!!
The rollercoaster slowly starts to rise up above the carnival grounds. From the third compartment, Beelzebozo and Viper trade shots - but the state of Viper’s left hand definitely gives Buster the edge. Its all VVV can do to work a few low blows in to keep it from being completely one sided.
Brandon Young: TELL ME WHEN ITS OVER!!!
Soundy: Beep.
Beelzebozo tries to hiptoss Viper off the ride, but the old man puts the breaks on, and thumbs him in the throat.
A shoulderblock almost knocks Beelzebozo backwards. They’re a good sixty feet up in the air. Friendly teases falling out, only to grab Viper by the throat.
The old man pulls them both back in.
This thing sure is high.
Brandon Young: I’m going to be sick!
While being choked, Vile tries to force his broken hand into a devil hand gesture for the satan’s strut.
Then they reach the top.
Before Vile can hit his patented eye gouge, the rollercoaster starts to barrel down at 120 miles per hour. Not strapped in, both men go tumbling up from the third cart to the sixth one.
Beelzebozo tries to kick Viper off, only to have his leg bitten.
Both men are trying to hang on for dear life while throwing whatever punches and kicks they can at each other.
There’s a loop.
They somehow hang on.
Then there’s a second loop.
The two men, and robot holding a camera, go airborne.
Ever the showman, Beelzebozo tries to make it look like he’s hitting Viper with a Superman punch. Its hard to tell if the punch hits, before both men go plummeting into the fun house roof.
Spike Nelson: GRANDPA!!!
Brandon Young: WHAT AM I MISSING?!
The roof breaks.
SIGNAL LOST
...
CARNIVAL FEED
When Soundy gets back up, the three men have fallen through the roof into a house of mirrors.
Beelzebozo slowly rises to his feet, only to be confronted by a few dozen images of his burnt, scared face.
Vile Vince Viper fortunately managed to break his fall... With a mirror that’s currently sticking out of his shoulder.
Both men inspect their surroundings, mostly ugly images of themselves starring back at them.
Something doesn’t feel right about this set-up.
Vile Vince Viper: I didn’t even know this place had a house of mirrorsss. You’d think they’d have to declare that with a bill of sale...
#SMASH#
Beelzebozo punches a mirror with Vipers reflection on it. His hand is cut to ribbons by the broken glass.
Spike Nelson: Grandpa, are you alright?!
Having found a way off the roller coaster, Spike Nelson and Brandon Young stare down from the hole in the ceiling.
Brandon Young: You there, Soundy?
Soundy: Beep.
Spike Nelson: Hang on, I’ll find a way down.
Vile Vince Viper: Don’t Spike, thisss place...
“Welcome.”
The few hundred mirrors light up with a hologram of Attila Balan.
Beelzebozo: heh.
AB : Buster. If your optical recepticals are reviewing this information, than this unit is no longer functioning to analyze your further developments into the best Buster Friendly you can become. It also means that you have achieved this state of effeiency without Luchian Inc.’s further assistance. Congratulations. This unit’s probability simulator had 0% doubt that it would occur.
Vile Vince Viper: DON’T COME DOWN HERE SPIKE!!!
#THUD#
Spike Nelson: I’ll save you grandpa.
Jumping down, Spike now finds himself faced with hundreds of mirrors, some featuring him, others Vile, others Beelzebozo, mostly Balan.
Spike Nelson: This is just like on Dagobah.
AB : This unit’s cerebral cortex recognized that you could only reach that final evolution by yourself, Buster. If this unit’s central processing unit allowed for feelings, it would miss you a great deal. All known data suggests that humanoids like yourself require closure. It was also this unit’s larger design that you would have a final challenge where you could understand how much you have changed and grown since our experiment first started. It is Luchian Inc.’s hope that the following test will provide both for you.
Vile Vince Viper: SPIKE LOOK FOR AN EXIT!
AB : Standing before you is a reflection of Beelzebozo. Or is it Buster Friendly? To better yourself, you must embrace yourself. Recognize the flaws, but do not be defined by them. There are new paths available to you. This circus is not a gift, recognize your own worth, and that you have earned it. The path is up to you.
A red light starts to flash.
AB : A three-minute timer has been set. If you fail to reach the exit of this house of mirrors before that countdown ends, you will be trapped in here. At that point, a Hell’s Bouncer promo will be played on loop, reflected in these five hundred mirrors. A soul stripping experience this unit would not wish on its worst enemy, let alone its best friend. The door will be open in six hours, but our research and development team finds it will feel like a hundred years, and render any victims quivering organ sacks void of any psyche.
Viper and Spike start desperately running around corners, feeling out reflective glass as they look for an exit. A calmer Beelzebozo stares at the image of his friend.
AB : Should your memory banks hold any thoughts of this unit, it is Luchian’s hope that you will step on flowers, they are revolting. You can do this Buster. You always could. Goodbye my friend.
The hologram cuts out.
A desperate VVV starts to spit black venom at mirrors, attempting to mark off the reflections to clear a path. The reflections of black just make it harder.
Vile Vince Viper: That stupid fucking robot.
Seeing a reflection of Viper running towards him, Beelzebozo puts his hand through one of the mirrors. #CRASH#
Viper’s reflection looks startled, only for another mirror to bite the dust. #CRASH#
Beelzebozo then turns to his own reflection, and punches through it too.
Wrapping his good arm in his ringmaster coat for protection, Viper starts to charge through sheets of glasses. His broken hand dripping blood behind him. The coat protects a little, but is cut to ribbons in seconds. The flying glass nicks his face.
Spike Nelson has somehow managed to get stuck to one of the mirrors covered in black venom.
Having given up his shoes at the skee ball lanes, Beelzebozo stomps bowlegged through broken glass, looking more like John McClane by the second.
Brandon Young: To the left Soundy, nah, your other left!
Brandon’s less than helpful advice is soon drowned out as the two men smash mirror after mirror. Some looking like their nemesis, others looking like themselves. It’s hard to say which they hit harder.
Beelzebozo goes to knock out another Viper reflection, only to catch the real on on the chin.
Spitting up blood, Viper stomps on Beelzebozo’s foot, grinding the glass in.
Fighting through the pain, Beelzebozo lifts Viper up in the air, spearing him through four rows of mirrors. Without the coat on, the glass makes quick work of VVV’s back.
Putting the breaks on, Viper manages to lock on a headlock, and twist Beelzebozo through two other mirrors.
Grabbing large shards of glass from the floor, Buster and Viper start to have knife fights, pushing one another through mirrors when not actively stabbing at each other.
The floors are dripping with gore, with neither man showing any sense of stopping.
Soundy attempts to pull Spike Nelson off of his tar soaked mirror, only to break it, revealing an exit.
One minute.
As the knife fight starts to escalate further, Soundy abandons the action, taking the mirror outside.
Spike Nelson: Over here!
45 seconds.
Taking a shard of glass to the throat, VVV pulls Friendly into a bearhug and starts headbutting glass down into Friendly’s face. He’s starting to resemble jigsaw.
Jumping forwards Beelzebozo throws himself and Viper through another mirror. Both men roll around in pain.
20 seconds.
Noticing the exit, all three men make a break for it. Beelzebozo has bloody stubs for feet, elephant testicles, and was too drunk to walk to begin with. Spike Nelson can only shift side to side because most of his body has been glued to mirror by his grandfather’s horrible black venom... and Viper is old. Its quite a race.
10 seconds.
Viper rushes path both men to the exit.
8 seconds.
Beelzebozo can barely stand on his feet.
5 seconds.
Beelzebozo grabs Spike Nelson...
4
3
2
...and throws him out before the gate closes.
As the door swings shut, the hole in the ceiling allows you to hear a promo cueing up, and the silent acceptance of a slow and agonizing death.
Unsure of what just happen, Spike manages to break the mirror he’s attached to, as he falls down on his knees. Grabbing the door, Spike desperate tries to pull it up. Use all of his strength. Only to drop to his knees, waiting for the horrible end of his rapping rival.
The former NextWave member climbs down the side of the Fun House to join the camera operator.
Brandon Young: You thought this was going to get my mind off of it?!
Soundy: Beep.
Brandon Young: ...robots.
Having immediately cleared out, Vile Vince Viper smiles to the heavens that he has once again cheated death, and vanquished the only man who could beat him. Cackling like an insensitive field, Viper grabs Soundy by the neck and drags the camera operator over to the prize table.
Vile Vince Viper: There you have it...
Reaching into the table, Viper pulls out his SWAT World title, holding it up for the camera.
Vile Vince Viper: WAS THERE EVER ANY DOUBT? Ha! Follow THAT, motherfuckers!
The Devil of SWAT spits blood at the camera. Through the crimson red you can still see his silhouette posing with Adrian Tanner’s world title.