Jonnie Valentine Can Be The Bigger Man Here, Not Literally
Nov 21, 2020 21:02:29 GMT -5
Venom 🕷, SWAT Team, and 4 more like this
Post by Jonnie Valentine on Nov 21, 2020 21:02:29 GMT -5
Fade to the NPW locker room where "The Canadian Tom Hanks" Jonnie Valentine paces nervously behind NPW announcer and Ottawa Provincial Pancake Eating Champion Blake Samuels.
Blake Samuels: Good evening ladies and gentleman. I was asked by "The Canadian Tom Hanks" Jonnie Valentine for this interview to address what we just saw by Scott Steel. Jonnie?
"The Canadian Tom Hanks" Jonnie Valentine: Thank you, Blake. I just want to thank the good people of Canada, the crown jewel of the UK, in my humble opinion, for granting me this time to talk to them. I know they have to get up early to hunt moose so I'll make this brief. Look, Scotty, Bubby, baby. I think we got off on the wrong wrasslin boot here. Me...friend. Ok? Me like Scotty. Me wish I had big muscles like you. If you think I'm mad about you powerbombing me, I'm not. It allowed me to get that much closer to being the Canadian hero you all so richly deserve. Water under the bridge. No harm, no foul.
Blake Samuels: It was no harm?
Jonnie Valentine: Are you kidding me? It was a lot of harm. You ever get powerbombed by that guy? It's like falling backwards off a building. But hey, I'm tough Scotty. What's another back surgery? We've got great health coverage here. And for what I'm paying Gus Arnold, it better be...
Blake Samuels: Health care is free here.
Jonnie Valentine: What?
Blake Samuels: Yeah, we all get free health care.
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, then what am I...doesn't matter. Look Scott, we're both adults here. Whatever I've done to anger you, I am sorry. And to the fans at home, that means I'm (Canadian pronunciation) sworry.
Blake Samuels: Ah, now I get it. For a second there I was like "He's what?"
Jonnie Valentine: Scott you don't need to flip over any more of those good people's buses. They've got to get to work! So that they can make money to buy my t-shirts, action figures, and for the Jonnie Lover in your life, this weighted blanket with my face on it.
(Jonnie produces the blanket, with his smiling face on it)
Blake Samuels: Oooh, snazzy.
Jonnie Valentine: Thank you, we at JonTech corrected the flaws in other blankets such as excessive heat, bunching, fabric quality, washing, durability, sizing, and weight. The results were amazing, and in less than two years we have sold over 100,000 weighted blankets with thousands of reviews and a 4.8 star average rating. We invite you to experience the JonTech difference today, you won't be disappointed. Here, take that home to your wife.
Blake Samuels: Are you pulling my leg?
Jonnie Valentine: No, here. (hands him the blanket) We can settle up after the holidays. (back to the camera) So Scott, I know you probably haven't heard much of this because they turn TVs down at gyms but please, find someone your own size to pick on. Like a light pole.
Blake Samuels: Jonnie Valentine, clearly terrified like the rest of us, by Scott Steel. We'll see his response. (rubs his face on the blanket) Ooh, is this goose down?
Blake Samuels: Good evening ladies and gentleman. I was asked by "The Canadian Tom Hanks" Jonnie Valentine for this interview to address what we just saw by Scott Steel. Jonnie?
"The Canadian Tom Hanks" Jonnie Valentine: Thank you, Blake. I just want to thank the good people of Canada, the crown jewel of the UK, in my humble opinion, for granting me this time to talk to them. I know they have to get up early to hunt moose so I'll make this brief. Look, Scotty, Bubby, baby. I think we got off on the wrong wrasslin boot here. Me...friend. Ok? Me like Scotty. Me wish I had big muscles like you. If you think I'm mad about you powerbombing me, I'm not. It allowed me to get that much closer to being the Canadian hero you all so richly deserve. Water under the bridge. No harm, no foul.
Blake Samuels: It was no harm?
Jonnie Valentine: Are you kidding me? It was a lot of harm. You ever get powerbombed by that guy? It's like falling backwards off a building. But hey, I'm tough Scotty. What's another back surgery? We've got great health coverage here. And for what I'm paying Gus Arnold, it better be...
Blake Samuels: Health care is free here.
Jonnie Valentine: What?
Blake Samuels: Yeah, we all get free health care.
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, then what am I...doesn't matter. Look Scott, we're both adults here. Whatever I've done to anger you, I am sorry. And to the fans at home, that means I'm (Canadian pronunciation) sworry.
Blake Samuels: Ah, now I get it. For a second there I was like "He's what?"
Jonnie Valentine: Scott you don't need to flip over any more of those good people's buses. They've got to get to work! So that they can make money to buy my t-shirts, action figures, and for the Jonnie Lover in your life, this weighted blanket with my face on it.
(Jonnie produces the blanket, with his smiling face on it)
Blake Samuels: Oooh, snazzy.
Jonnie Valentine: Thank you, we at JonTech corrected the flaws in other blankets such as excessive heat, bunching, fabric quality, washing, durability, sizing, and weight. The results were amazing, and in less than two years we have sold over 100,000 weighted blankets with thousands of reviews and a 4.8 star average rating. We invite you to experience the JonTech difference today, you won't be disappointed. Here, take that home to your wife.
Blake Samuels: Are you pulling my leg?
Jonnie Valentine: No, here. (hands him the blanket) We can settle up after the holidays. (back to the camera) So Scott, I know you probably haven't heard much of this because they turn TVs down at gyms but please, find someone your own size to pick on. Like a light pole.
Blake Samuels: Jonnie Valentine, clearly terrified like the rest of us, by Scott Steel. We'll see his response. (rubs his face on the blanket) Ooh, is this goose down?
