The Season of Giving

[Mongo the Destroyer]

*The camera opens on Lord Dominicus, the dark lord of NPW, seated cross-legged in a sea of light brown yippy fluff. He has a box of dog collars next to him and is applying handwritten tags to them. He grabs one of the puppies.*

LD: Ah yes, you’ll do. You seem vanilla enough for Van Zandt.

*He puts the collar on the puppy and lets it skitter away. Then he focuses on the camera watching him from above.*

LD: Hello there! I know, this looks like a very dangerous position to be in so close to the Lethal Lottery Royal Rumble that’ll continue my reign as NPW’s ONLY Singles Champion by winning the North American Double Crown title. But I have become one with the mighty beast that is the corgi so I have no fear. But, as I studied this fearsome canine for inspiration in new techniques to crush NPW’s lesser talent I was struck by a very DEVIOUS NOTION…

*He does the thinking pose that adorns some of the hotter selling t-shirts on NPW’s website*

LD: You see, I, being the hardened and indomitable force that I am- am able to withstand the SHEER BRUTALITY of nature’s most wicked animal, the corgi. But my opponents are not. So in the “spirit of giving”…

*Yes, he does air quotes*

LD: …that come with this season I developed the MOST EVIL OF PLANS. You see, I’ll send corgis to my enemies so that they will be RUN RAGGED by these puppies before the match and will be too tired to properly face me. Then I’ll just be able to gently push each of my opponents out of the ring, exerting the least amount of effort. You see, that’s how evil genius works. There is one exception though….

*Dominicus grabs a sleeping puppy from off the ground. The puppy sleepily looks around, but absolutely lacks the same sort of effervescence of most of the other corgis.*

LD: Yes, you are docile enough. You see, I have heard tales that some fools have enjoyed looking upon these ferocious beasts, unaware of the dangers they present. But this one likely has the enjoyable aspects in greater numbers than the murder-death-kill ones. This one is for Gus Arnold. Old men love dogs, and if he gets a friendly one he might be more inclined to give me a better entrance number in the rumble match.

*He puts the puppy on his lap, where it immediately resumes its slumber, then affixes the collar with “To Gus Arnold” written on it. Dominicus then releases it back into the wild…next to him where it again falls asleep. So docile.*

LD: But only he gets one not full of the normal corgi bloodlust. Oh, and Eric Dane.

*Dominicus grabs a tiny tiny OH IT’S SO SMALL AND FLUFFY little dog from the pack.*

LD: You see, Dane, you’re getting this embarrassment to its breed because of your cute attempts to be the “Big Dog” here when you’ve got nothing to show for it. I mean, really, what do you have? A partner who’s actually worthwhile, sure. But yourself? How’s your career trajectory been? Mr. “I’ve been around the block almost as much as my mom” keeps acting like he’s the uncrowned champ but when he actually had a title match he somehow managed not only to lose but for EVERYONE IN THE MATCH to lose. Meanwhile I walked in on that same night, did what I said I’d do by capturing the NPW North American Cruiserweight Championship, and have been the ONLY SINGLES CHAMPION in NPW ever since. Your attempt at self-validation through the looking down of others is adorable since you are….pretty much in the same boat of them all.

OH SO TINY CORGI: Yip! Yip!

LD: Yes, this one will suit you fine as it is obnoxiously talkative.

*He sets the puppy down, now excited because IT RECEIVED A TINY AMOUNT OF ATTENTION AND HAS TAKEN THAT TO MEAN SOMETHING runs around Dominicus while he talk/writes.*

LD: To Eric Dane, from Lord Dominicus.

*Dominicus attaches the collar to the puppy; it suddenly thinks it’s a big deal for getting all that attention. We can see the already tagged Dylan Black and John Cavanagh puppies not giving a crap about this noisy little animal, even as it yips at them.*

LD: But that’s not the only special delivery. You see, some of the dogs in this fight can’t learn new tricks. Some can’t keep up with the new style of doing things as the wrestling world moves on. Yes, I’m talking about “Antiquated” Alex Turner. For him I have this big girl

*Dominicus strains to lean enough to grab the hind legs of the biggest dog there, possibly the mother of some of these puppies, and slowly (but playfully and not meanly) drag it over to him.*

LD: Yes, this is not a puppy, this is just a dog. A full-grown ruthless killer of a wolf-offshoot.

*It happily nuzzles LD*

LD: An old dog for an old dog. No need to learn new tricks, just endure each other’s pre-set ways. Turner’s sexism for this poor girl, and BRUTAL BLOODY VIOLENCE for the even poorer Alex Turner.

*He affixes the “To Alex Turner” tag to the dog’s collar then shoves it away*

LD: I think that about cov….

*Dominicus stares in confusion as the camera gets a better angle on one of the puppies. The puppy is currently on its back, with its legs in the air, walking on….nothing. Lord Dominicus reaches over and rights the puppy, who immediately returns to being upside-down. It wags its little tail, content to be what it is.

LD: Ahh….yes.

*Lord Dominicus reaches over to the collar/tag box, one left. He takes it out and writes, “To Scott Steel” on it before affixing it to the puppy*

LD: There we go, I think that’s all of them. This plan is genius. Everyone will be so tired from having to fend off these WILD CORGIS that they’ll be like kittens come Rumble time. Oh Dominicus, you’ve outdone yourself this time. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*He laughs the laugh only an evil villain can do while some of the puppies get excited and bark/howl along with him.*


OOC: YES THAT’S RIGHT! I’ve just given everyone in the Lethal Lottery Royal Rumble match a puppy! Oh also Gus Arnold. You can use them or not use them at your leisure- they’re yours now!