"He Knows if You've Been Bad or....EVIL!"
Dec 4, 2020 20:18:49 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz, SWAT Team, and 5 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Dec 4, 2020 20:18:49 GMT -5
*As the muted sounds of Chuck Berry’s “Run Run Rudolph” plays over the speakers, we find one LORD OF ALL THAT IS DARK AND EVIL finally making his way to the front of a line largely populated by children in what appears to be a local shopping mall. As Lord Dominicus is waved toward the fat stand-in for a magical being he pulls out a small notepad.*
Elf: Sorry man, there’s age limit
*A jolly voice interrupts the pointed-ear accountant*
Santa: HO HO HO! No let him through!
*Dominicus raises his nose at the skinny guardsman who tried to stop him as he saunters to Jolly Old Saint Nick. Though you’ve seen this scene many times in your own lives something seems…off. For one, one of the Christmas trees seems to be…shaking? Vibrating? Doing complex math? It’s hard to say. Flanking Santa Claus is a couple of corgis and a large rat(?)- all dressed as reindeer. One of the corgis barks at Dominicus*
LD: Who knew Santa had a twisted side…
*…Dominicus remarks to himself*
Santa: HO HO HO! WELCOME YOUNG CHILD!
*The dark lord looks around him to make sure there are no children around.*
LD: Look, Santa, I don’t want to concern you, but your tree is rather...muscular.
*Saint Nicolas leans off of his throne of white and holds the side of his hand to his mouth so that neither the elf nor tree can see what he says*
Santa: I don’t want to talk about it.
*He returns to a more normal stance as they get down to business.*
Santa: And what would you like for Christmas this year, lad?
LD: …Is this some sort of a joke? I came to find out how much coal you’re giving me.
Santa: Coal? Why would I give you coal?
LD: I think we both know why, I’ve been especially evil this year, so get to it Bowl-Full-of-Jelly- how much coal am I going to re-gift to the homeless shelter?
Santa: None, lad! You’re on the nice list!
*There’s a moment of silence.*
LD: …WHAT?
Santa: Yes, Lord Dominicus right? You’re on the nice list!
LD: There’s got to be some sort of clerical error
*Santa reaches into a pocket and produces a physical list. He puts on some reading glasses and begins to review.*
Santa: Alright, let’s see here….nope, nice list. This year you defended equality, encouraged friendship, gave gifts to your opponents, and have been stabilizing force in your company after Eric Dane, Gordon Carlson, and Alex Turner screwed everything up.
LD: Well…well yeah, BUT- BUT I DID THOSE FOR EVIL REASONS!
*He puts his own notepad away and starts counting off the “evil” deeds on his fingers for the old fat man with a white beared*
LD: Defending equality? I did that to pick a fight with Turner, call out his stupid fans AND raise my own stock value in the company!
*He raises a second finger.*
LD: I encouraged EVIL friendship, the kind that ends with backstabbing after minutes to decades of closely working together but in a mutually understood way so nobody feels bad about it.
*Third finger goes up defiantly*
LD: I gave corgis to my opponents! They are vicious mongrels that’ll tear your heart out if you let them! I mean, you should know, you have two- and some sort of screechy rat right next to you!
Santa: They aren’t mine.
LD: It doesn’t matter! The goal was for the corgis to act as a distraction and wear my opponents down before the match!
*Before Santa can interrupt a fourth finger goes up.*
LD: And stability!? Ok, ok- so Carlson, Dane, and Turner screwed everything up. But I’m called LORD Dominicus for a reason, fat man, I’m supposed to lead. But it’s like….EVIL leadership!
Santa: ….I don’t buy it, all of those were good deeds. And you also said you’d re-gift coal to a homeless shelter, giving them coal is also a good deed.
LD: WHAT!? No! It’s evil! Nobody likes coal!
Santa: But they can burn it to stay warm.
LD: THEN WHY DO YOU GIVE IT TO BAD PEOPLE!?
Santa: To warm their hearts.
LD: So….so you’re saying I’m not on the naughty list?
Santa: Nope, nice all the way.
LD: WELL I’LL SHOW YOU! I’ll cheat even harder than ever to win the North American Double Crown Championship in the Lethal Lottery Royal Rumble!
*Mr. Claus nods as he goes over the list in his hand.*
Santa: According to this, keeping Brad Swann, John Cavanagh, Eric Dane, or Alex Turner away from the title still counts as a nice deed.
*Now it’s LD that’s shaking as he makes a fist.*
LD: BUT I’LL BE CHEATING TO DO IT!
Santa: So? I’m Santa, not God.
*The rage/frustration has reached its peak.*
LD: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*Dominicus screams in Santa’s face, then from his jacket pocket produces yet another corgi puppy.*
LD: OH YEAH!? WELL HERE’S A CORGI!
*The elder of the earth, who is more timeless than Alex Turner will ever be, reaches over and takes the dog happily.*
Santa: HO HO HO! What an adorable little animal! I shall name him Dasher after one of my sturdiest reindeer!
*He happily holds the adorable and friendly puppy up as it squirms. The parents and children in attendance applaud the kindly man in the black mask*
LD: STOP! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT!
*Santa puts the corgi down and it happily rolls and plays with what are presumably litter-mates as the crowd swoons.*
LD: NO! NO DANG IT! I’M LORD DOMINICUS! I AM THE VANTA-BLACK OF EVIL! STOP CHEERING FOR ME! I’LL SHOW YOU! I’LL BECOME THE GREATEST CHAMPION NPW HAS EVER HAD AND I’LL DO IT AS DIRTY..LY AS I CAN!
*A parent calls out from the crowd.*
Parent: Yeah, you go Big LD! You show ‘em that it doesn’t matter how bad you look, you can still have a good heart!
LD: THAT’S NOT THE MESSAGE I WANT TO CONVEY AT ALL!
*The crowd cheers for Dominicus as he sullenly stomps off, defeated by the strongest opponent of them all- Christmas Cheer. Fade to DARK SUPER BLACK!*
Elf: Sorry man, there’s age limit
*A jolly voice interrupts the pointed-ear accountant*
Santa: HO HO HO! No let him through!
*Dominicus raises his nose at the skinny guardsman who tried to stop him as he saunters to Jolly Old Saint Nick. Though you’ve seen this scene many times in your own lives something seems…off. For one, one of the Christmas trees seems to be…shaking? Vibrating? Doing complex math? It’s hard to say. Flanking Santa Claus is a couple of corgis and a large rat(?)- all dressed as reindeer. One of the corgis barks at Dominicus*
LD: Who knew Santa had a twisted side…
*…Dominicus remarks to himself*
Santa: HO HO HO! WELCOME YOUNG CHILD!
*The dark lord looks around him to make sure there are no children around.*
LD: Look, Santa, I don’t want to concern you, but your tree is rather...muscular.
*Saint Nicolas leans off of his throne of white and holds the side of his hand to his mouth so that neither the elf nor tree can see what he says*
Santa: I don’t want to talk about it.
*He returns to a more normal stance as they get down to business.*
Santa: And what would you like for Christmas this year, lad?
LD: …Is this some sort of a joke? I came to find out how much coal you’re giving me.
Santa: Coal? Why would I give you coal?
LD: I think we both know why, I’ve been especially evil this year, so get to it Bowl-Full-of-Jelly- how much coal am I going to re-gift to the homeless shelter?
Santa: None, lad! You’re on the nice list!
*There’s a moment of silence.*
LD: …WHAT?
Santa: Yes, Lord Dominicus right? You’re on the nice list!
LD: There’s got to be some sort of clerical error
*Santa reaches into a pocket and produces a physical list. He puts on some reading glasses and begins to review.*
Santa: Alright, let’s see here….nope, nice list. This year you defended equality, encouraged friendship, gave gifts to your opponents, and have been stabilizing force in your company after Eric Dane, Gordon Carlson, and Alex Turner screwed everything up.
LD: Well…well yeah, BUT- BUT I DID THOSE FOR EVIL REASONS!
*He puts his own notepad away and starts counting off the “evil” deeds on his fingers for the old fat man with a white beared*
LD: Defending equality? I did that to pick a fight with Turner, call out his stupid fans AND raise my own stock value in the company!
*He raises a second finger.*
LD: I encouraged EVIL friendship, the kind that ends with backstabbing after minutes to decades of closely working together but in a mutually understood way so nobody feels bad about it.
*Third finger goes up defiantly*
LD: I gave corgis to my opponents! They are vicious mongrels that’ll tear your heart out if you let them! I mean, you should know, you have two- and some sort of screechy rat right next to you!
Santa: They aren’t mine.
LD: It doesn’t matter! The goal was for the corgis to act as a distraction and wear my opponents down before the match!
*Before Santa can interrupt a fourth finger goes up.*
LD: And stability!? Ok, ok- so Carlson, Dane, and Turner screwed everything up. But I’m called LORD Dominicus for a reason, fat man, I’m supposed to lead. But it’s like….EVIL leadership!
Santa: ….I don’t buy it, all of those were good deeds. And you also said you’d re-gift coal to a homeless shelter, giving them coal is also a good deed.
LD: WHAT!? No! It’s evil! Nobody likes coal!
Santa: But they can burn it to stay warm.
LD: THEN WHY DO YOU GIVE IT TO BAD PEOPLE!?
Santa: To warm their hearts.
LD: So….so you’re saying I’m not on the naughty list?
Santa: Nope, nice all the way.
LD: WELL I’LL SHOW YOU! I’ll cheat even harder than ever to win the North American Double Crown Championship in the Lethal Lottery Royal Rumble!
*Mr. Claus nods as he goes over the list in his hand.*
Santa: According to this, keeping Brad Swann, John Cavanagh, Eric Dane, or Alex Turner away from the title still counts as a nice deed.
*Now it’s LD that’s shaking as he makes a fist.*
LD: BUT I’LL BE CHEATING TO DO IT!
Santa: So? I’m Santa, not God.
*The rage/frustration has reached its peak.*
LD: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*Dominicus screams in Santa’s face, then from his jacket pocket produces yet another corgi puppy.*
LD: OH YEAH!? WELL HERE’S A CORGI!
*The elder of the earth, who is more timeless than Alex Turner will ever be, reaches over and takes the dog happily.*
Santa: HO HO HO! What an adorable little animal! I shall name him Dasher after one of my sturdiest reindeer!
*He happily holds the adorable and friendly puppy up as it squirms. The parents and children in attendance applaud the kindly man in the black mask*
LD: STOP! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT!
*Santa puts the corgi down and it happily rolls and plays with what are presumably litter-mates as the crowd swoons.*
LD: NO! NO DANG IT! I’M LORD DOMINICUS! I AM THE VANTA-BLACK OF EVIL! STOP CHEERING FOR ME! I’LL SHOW YOU! I’LL BECOME THE GREATEST CHAMPION NPW HAS EVER HAD AND I’LL DO IT AS DIRTY..LY AS I CAN!
*A parent calls out from the crowd.*
Parent: Yeah, you go Big LD! You show ‘em that it doesn’t matter how bad you look, you can still have a good heart!
LD: THAT’S NOT THE MESSAGE I WANT TO CONVEY AT ALL!
*The crowd cheers for Dominicus as he sullenly stomps off, defeated by the strongest opponent of them all- Christmas Cheer. Fade to DARK SUPER BLACK!*
