Everyone's Got A Price, For The Million Loonie Man
Dec 10, 2020 6:16:25 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 2 more like this
Post by Jonnie Valentine on Dec 10, 2020 6:16:25 GMT -5
(Open on the grand opening of "The Million Loonie Man" Jonnie Valentine's marijuana dispensary "Goodnight Irene" in Medicine Hat, Alberta)
"Million Loonie Man" Jonnie Valentine: I'm so nervous.
(Employee Tyler is waiting at the front door)
Tyler: You ready?
Jonnie Valentine: (takes a deep breath) Ok, Go ahead.
(Tyler unlocks the door and Goodnight Irene's first customer walks in)
Jonnie Valentine: Hello, and welcome to Good Night Irene.
Customer: Yes, I'd like some weed, please.
Jonnie Valentine: (patronizingly chuckles) Of course you do. But we have all kinds, we have indica, sativa, hybrid, wax, shatter...
Customer: Oh, that's fine. Just some weed is fine.
Jonnie Valentine: Absolutely. So I have "Chocolate Brownie Sundae", I have "Section 9", I have ...
Customer: (interrupts) That first one sounds fine.
(Jonnie Valentine nods and starts pulling nugs of weed out of a glass jar with chopsticks)
Jonnie Valentine: So did you see I was in the Lethal Lottery for the NPW North American Double Crown?
Customer: (looking at his phone) I didn't.
Jonnie Valentine: Yup. I'm the ninth guy to enter, so that's pretty good. By the time I get in there, everyone will be more blown up than Scott Steel after his entrance. So here you go.
Customer: Great, so how much do I owe you?
Jonnie Valentine: Did you want any edibles?
Customer: No, I just wanted some weed.
Jonnie Valentine: I hear ya. I tell you what I just wanted? To break Eric Dane's arm like Maverick did. And I came very close in Mississauga, but he rolled me up and...wait, can I interest you in any pre-rolls? They're three for $20.
Customer: Look man, I...I'm on my lunch break.
Jonnie Valentine: And I totally get that. Let me get your total real quick. But real quick, you know what I also get?
Customer: No, I don't get what you also get.
Jonnie Valentine: I get why Dylan Black is scared of me. But he doesn't have to worry. I'm an attraction. I'm who Gus Arnold brings in to goose attendance. No worries. Pressure is off now. I'm going to bring in the gate and then when I win the North American Double Crown, I'm gonna make sure the boys all share in the big house, and we can pretend Dylan Black had something to do with it.
Customer: Great. Is this going to take a lot longer or...?
Jonnie Valentine: Absolutely not, it's super quick and easy here at Three Second Tan, and...you know what? I have a confession to make.
Customer: I really can't...
Jonnie Valentine: (interrupts) A dream match of mine has always been Lord Dominicus. I've watched that guy for years and been a huge fan of his work. But you know who's also good?
Customer: No?
Jonnie Valentine: Me. I've been in more battle royals than I have Denny's and believe me, that's saying something. I've had to testify in three different murder trials that happened in those parking lots. I still have to remember to show up for the Grand Slam Slasher's parole hearings every six years. Or is it four? I should really check on that.
Customer: No that guy's out. Three people are missing.
Jonnie Valentine: Yeesh. But the point is, I've forgotten more about battle royals than every one in that match knows put together. Now, Maverick. I've already beaten him once in Mississauga. And now he thinks I'm no problemo when I am all problemo. You see, the Pound For Pound Bout Machine is going to get sent over the top by the Human Dropkick Machine, no matter what if it means me becoming the new NPW North American Double Crown Champion. Finally...do you want to enter a drawing to win a lunch with me?
Customer: Sure, I guess.
Jonnie Valentine: Good. You win, I'm starving. (puts his arm around customer) Where are we going?
(Jonnie walks customer out the door)
"Million Loonie Man" Jonnie Valentine: I'm so nervous.
(Employee Tyler is waiting at the front door)
Tyler: You ready?
Jonnie Valentine: (takes a deep breath) Ok, Go ahead.
(Tyler unlocks the door and Goodnight Irene's first customer walks in)
Jonnie Valentine: Hello, and welcome to Good Night Irene.
Customer: Yes, I'd like some weed, please.
Jonnie Valentine: (patronizingly chuckles) Of course you do. But we have all kinds, we have indica, sativa, hybrid, wax, shatter...
Customer: Oh, that's fine. Just some weed is fine.
Jonnie Valentine: Absolutely. So I have "Chocolate Brownie Sundae", I have "Section 9", I have ...
Customer: (interrupts) That first one sounds fine.
(Jonnie Valentine nods and starts pulling nugs of weed out of a glass jar with chopsticks)
Jonnie Valentine: So did you see I was in the Lethal Lottery for the NPW North American Double Crown?
Customer: (looking at his phone) I didn't.
Jonnie Valentine: Yup. I'm the ninth guy to enter, so that's pretty good. By the time I get in there, everyone will be more blown up than Scott Steel after his entrance. So here you go.
Customer: Great, so how much do I owe you?
Jonnie Valentine: Did you want any edibles?
Customer: No, I just wanted some weed.
Jonnie Valentine: I hear ya. I tell you what I just wanted? To break Eric Dane's arm like Maverick did. And I came very close in Mississauga, but he rolled me up and...wait, can I interest you in any pre-rolls? They're three for $20.
Customer: Look man, I...I'm on my lunch break.
Jonnie Valentine: And I totally get that. Let me get your total real quick. But real quick, you know what I also get?
Customer: No, I don't get what you also get.
Jonnie Valentine: I get why Dylan Black is scared of me. But he doesn't have to worry. I'm an attraction. I'm who Gus Arnold brings in to goose attendance. No worries. Pressure is off now. I'm going to bring in the gate and then when I win the North American Double Crown, I'm gonna make sure the boys all share in the big house, and we can pretend Dylan Black had something to do with it.
Customer: Great. Is this going to take a lot longer or...?
Jonnie Valentine: Absolutely not, it's super quick and easy here at Three Second Tan, and...you know what? I have a confession to make.
Customer: I really can't...
Jonnie Valentine: (interrupts) A dream match of mine has always been Lord Dominicus. I've watched that guy for years and been a huge fan of his work. But you know who's also good?
Customer: No?
Jonnie Valentine: Me. I've been in more battle royals than I have Denny's and believe me, that's saying something. I've had to testify in three different murder trials that happened in those parking lots. I still have to remember to show up for the Grand Slam Slasher's parole hearings every six years. Or is it four? I should really check on that.
Customer: No that guy's out. Three people are missing.
Jonnie Valentine: Yeesh. But the point is, I've forgotten more about battle royals than every one in that match knows put together. Now, Maverick. I've already beaten him once in Mississauga. And now he thinks I'm no problemo when I am all problemo. You see, the Pound For Pound Bout Machine is going to get sent over the top by the Human Dropkick Machine, no matter what if it means me becoming the new NPW North American Double Crown Champion. Finally...do you want to enter a drawing to win a lunch with me?
Customer: Sure, I guess.
Jonnie Valentine: Good. You win, I'm starving. (puts his arm around customer) Where are we going?
(Jonnie walks customer out the door)
