Post by Jonnie Valentine on Dec 20, 2020 20:18:44 GMT -5
("The Million Loonie Man" Jonnie Valentine walks into the Door FiftyFive bar. It's nine o'clock on a Saturday. The regular crowd shuffles in. There's an old man standing next to Jonnie, making love to his tonic and gin)
"The Million Loonie Man" Jonnie Valentine: Excuse me? Can you stop that? It's a little gross.
Old Man: Don't try and stop our love! You wish you had what we have!
(Old Man zips up and storms off with his drink)
Jonnie Valentine: (sighs) He's right.
Bartender: Hello there. The name is John. What can I do ya for?
Jonnie Valentine: Yes, I would like a Shirley Temple?
Bartender: Sorry, it's a little loud in here, did you say a Shirley Temple?
Jonnie Valentine: Yes.
Bartender: Is that uh, 7-Up and cherry juice?
Jonnie Valentine: (uncomfortable) Sure is. It's for my...daughter.
Bartender: (relieved) Oh, ok. Sure. You...(stops) You brought your daughter to a bar?
Jonnie Valentine: I did, I did. She loves the fried chicken poutine.
Bartender: Oh sure. Sure. Wh-...Where is she?
Jonnie Valentine: She's meeting me here.
Bartender: Your daughter is meeting you, at a bar, at nine o'clock at night?
Jonnie Valentine: And she'll be thirsty so...
Bartender: Right away.
(Bartender starts fixing the Shirley Temple. Jonnie looks to the right of him, where a guy is writing in a notebook. The man notices him)
Real Estate Novelist: Wow, Jonnie Valentine?? I can't believe you're here!
Jonnie Valentine: Yeah, I'm just in town for that fourway. But this fourway I'm doing on New Year's isn't going to be easy. I'm the smallest guy in this match. Nemo is a battle tested veteran who can put your lights out when he drops you on your head with the John 11:35 pole shift. He thinks he's wrestled someone smarter than me, but that would be damn near impossible. That guy would be operating on the astral plane; not wrapping his wrists in tape. What's that you're writing?
Real Estate Novelist: It's a novel.
Jonnie Valentine: Wow! What's it about?
Real Estate Novelist: Real Estate. Wanna hear some of it? "Kevin was shaking. They had fought before, but never like this. Now she was lying at the bottom of the marble staircase into the spacious family toom with abundant natural lighting. Their home had become a crime scene, which was unfortunate because it was ideally located to schools and shopping. The living room has a media nook and pass-through to the kitchen...
(Bartender sets down Jonnie's Shirley Temple)
Jonnie Valentine: Sounds amazing. Can't wait to read it. (slurps the soda)
Bartender: Isn't that for your daughter?
Jonnie Valentine: Yeah, I don't know where she is, I'm starting to get a little worried, can I get another?
(Bartender sighs and goes to refill his drink. A guy in a Canadian navy uniform taps Jonnie on the shoulder)
Davey: Hey, aren't you The Million Loonie Man?
Jonnie Valentine: I sure am.
Davey: Me and my fellow seamen bought a ticket to your big main event in Mississauga.
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, that's amazing to hear. You know, I get all the money, the fame, the free narcotics, but you...you guys are the real heroes.
Davey: Wow, that's...that's really great to hear Mr. Valentine.
Jonnie Valentine: Then you'll love this. (takes a slurp of his soadie) This guy right here. (points at Davey) Is what I do all of this for.
Entire Bar: AWWWW....
Jonnie Valentine: (puts his arm around Davey) Did you know Joe Ghaven is the second Iron Bear I've wrestled this year after James Fierce? I mean, what are the odds, am I right? The guy is gigantic, nearly seven feet tall, probably the biggest guy I've ever faced. He's a former Florida Champion, wrestling in front of gators and anti-maskers with a bad cough.
Bartender: You know, Jonnie. I saw Pixar's Pac-man, The Motion Picture and it changed my life. Can I give you my headshot? I know I could be a movie star, if I could get out of this place.
Jonnie Valentine: Errr...can I get a Rob Roy?
Bartender: (blood drains out of his face) You mean a Cherry Coke?
Jonnie Valentine: (points to his side) It's for his wife.
Real Estate Novelist: (sighs) I never had time for one one those.
Jonnie Valentine: Rounding them out is Shawn Kutter. An ex-con with a beard that's got chip crumbs in it, who shouldn't have even gotten a visa to work here. You have to wonder who Gus Arnold bribed to get him over the border? Don't be surprised if someone makes a phone call, and he no-shows the event because he's stuck in customs on the phone with the US Consulate. But even if all three of them make it to The Powerade Centre, Jonnie Valentine is going to be the name of that pain in your arm every morning. The guy you think of when you go to the orthopedic specialists. And the reason you have to take a couple of percocets to get through the day from now on. NPW wants to be in the Jonnie Valentine business, and that starts by beating the mid-card all in one night. After the three of you are blown up exchanging the five wrestling moves you know combined, The Million Loonie Man will swoop in and pick you apart. You know it, I know it, dogs know it...
Waitress: (looks up from practicing politics) Hey everybody! It's the Tuba Man!
(Davey, The Real Estate Novelist, and even the stoned businessman push past Jonnie to get a front row seat for local Mississauga tuba legend, Reggie "Cheeks" Rambone)
Reggie "Cheeks" Rambone: When am I gonna get a new microphone? This one smells like a beer!
(Crowd laughs. Reggie starts tooting on his tuba while the crowd sings along)
Crowd: (all together, swaying from side to side) Sing us the song,
You're the Tuba Man!
Sing us a song, tonight
Cause we're all in the mood for a tuba song
And you got us feelin alright
La-la-la de-de da
La-la de-de da da-da
"The Million Loonie Man" Jonnie Valentine: Excuse me? Can you stop that? It's a little gross.
Old Man: Don't try and stop our love! You wish you had what we have!
(Old Man zips up and storms off with his drink)
Jonnie Valentine: (sighs) He's right.
Bartender: Hello there. The name is John. What can I do ya for?
Jonnie Valentine: Yes, I would like a Shirley Temple?
Bartender: Sorry, it's a little loud in here, did you say a Shirley Temple?
Jonnie Valentine: Yes.
Bartender: Is that uh, 7-Up and cherry juice?
Jonnie Valentine: (uncomfortable) Sure is. It's for my...daughter.
Bartender: (relieved) Oh, ok. Sure. You...(stops) You brought your daughter to a bar?
Jonnie Valentine: I did, I did. She loves the fried chicken poutine.
Bartender: Oh sure. Sure. Wh-...Where is she?
Jonnie Valentine: She's meeting me here.
Bartender: Your daughter is meeting you, at a bar, at nine o'clock at night?
Jonnie Valentine: And she'll be thirsty so...
Bartender: Right away.
(Bartender starts fixing the Shirley Temple. Jonnie looks to the right of him, where a guy is writing in a notebook. The man notices him)
Real Estate Novelist: Wow, Jonnie Valentine?? I can't believe you're here!
Jonnie Valentine: Yeah, I'm just in town for that fourway. But this fourway I'm doing on New Year's isn't going to be easy. I'm the smallest guy in this match. Nemo is a battle tested veteran who can put your lights out when he drops you on your head with the John 11:35 pole shift. He thinks he's wrestled someone smarter than me, but that would be damn near impossible. That guy would be operating on the astral plane; not wrapping his wrists in tape. What's that you're writing?
Real Estate Novelist: It's a novel.
Jonnie Valentine: Wow! What's it about?
Real Estate Novelist: Real Estate. Wanna hear some of it? "Kevin was shaking. They had fought before, but never like this. Now she was lying at the bottom of the marble staircase into the spacious family toom with abundant natural lighting. Their home had become a crime scene, which was unfortunate because it was ideally located to schools and shopping. The living room has a media nook and pass-through to the kitchen...
(Bartender sets down Jonnie's Shirley Temple)
Jonnie Valentine: Sounds amazing. Can't wait to read it. (slurps the soda)
Bartender: Isn't that for your daughter?
Jonnie Valentine: Yeah, I don't know where she is, I'm starting to get a little worried, can I get another?
(Bartender sighs and goes to refill his drink. A guy in a Canadian navy uniform taps Jonnie on the shoulder)
Davey: Hey, aren't you The Million Loonie Man?
Jonnie Valentine: I sure am.
Davey: Me and my fellow seamen bought a ticket to your big main event in Mississauga.
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, that's amazing to hear. You know, I get all the money, the fame, the free narcotics, but you...you guys are the real heroes.
Davey: Wow, that's...that's really great to hear Mr. Valentine.
Jonnie Valentine: Then you'll love this. (takes a slurp of his soadie) This guy right here. (points at Davey) Is what I do all of this for.
Entire Bar: AWWWW....
Jonnie Valentine: (puts his arm around Davey) Did you know Joe Ghaven is the second Iron Bear I've wrestled this year after James Fierce? I mean, what are the odds, am I right? The guy is gigantic, nearly seven feet tall, probably the biggest guy I've ever faced. He's a former Florida Champion, wrestling in front of gators and anti-maskers with a bad cough.
Bartender: You know, Jonnie. I saw Pixar's Pac-man, The Motion Picture and it changed my life. Can I give you my headshot? I know I could be a movie star, if I could get out of this place.
Jonnie Valentine: Errr...can I get a Rob Roy?
Bartender: (blood drains out of his face) You mean a Cherry Coke?
Jonnie Valentine: (points to his side) It's for his wife.
Real Estate Novelist: (sighs) I never had time for one one those.
Jonnie Valentine: Rounding them out is Shawn Kutter. An ex-con with a beard that's got chip crumbs in it, who shouldn't have even gotten a visa to work here. You have to wonder who Gus Arnold bribed to get him over the border? Don't be surprised if someone makes a phone call, and he no-shows the event because he's stuck in customs on the phone with the US Consulate. But even if all three of them make it to The Powerade Centre, Jonnie Valentine is going to be the name of that pain in your arm every morning. The guy you think of when you go to the orthopedic specialists. And the reason you have to take a couple of percocets to get through the day from now on. NPW wants to be in the Jonnie Valentine business, and that starts by beating the mid-card all in one night. After the three of you are blown up exchanging the five wrestling moves you know combined, The Million Loonie Man will swoop in and pick you apart. You know it, I know it, dogs know it...
Waitress: (looks up from practicing politics) Hey everybody! It's the Tuba Man!
(Davey, The Real Estate Novelist, and even the stoned businessman push past Jonnie to get a front row seat for local Mississauga tuba legend, Reggie "Cheeks" Rambone)
Reggie "Cheeks" Rambone: When am I gonna get a new microphone? This one smells like a beer!
(Crowd laughs. Reggie starts tooting on his tuba while the crowd sings along)
Crowd: (all together, swaying from side to side) Sing us the song,
You're the Tuba Man!
Sing us a song, tonight
Cause we're all in the mood for a tuba song
And you got us feelin alright
La-la-la de-de da
La-la de-de da da-da
