Dominicus and the Ebony Stones Filler Episode: Glue
Feb 12, 2021 21:04:25 GMT -5
SWAT Team, edwarddubin0604, and 4 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Feb 12, 2021 21:04:25 GMT -5
*No adventures today, the camera opens on a straight shot of the NPW North American Cruiserweight Champion Lord Dominicus sitting at a table with a variety of props in front of him. His status as champion is highlighted by the title itself sitting prominently in the shot off to the side.*
LD: Hello there you PITIFUL PEONS who look up to your shining LORD OF ALL DARNKESS! I’m here to give you a visual lesson on what you have to look forward to at the Vicious Valentine’s show. As you may or may not know- though you should be ashamed if you do not- your co-main event, perhaps some might call it the REAL main event, will feature myself, Joseph Mack, Scott Steel, and some people who I really don’t care about in a six man tag team match!
*He holds up six fingers*
LD: Most of you are probably used to normal tag matches. Those are easy. You and a partner work together to overcome two schlubs. Normal. Take me and Dinosaur Bones for example…
*Dominicus reaches under the table and pulls out two normal house-sized dumbbells and pumps a little plastic-coated iron.*
LD: Two guys come –oof- together to –ugh- show their prowess and overcome. And overcome we did against one of the most famous tag-teams in the XHF Network, the Nihilists. You guys probably didn’t see that because everyone’s eyes are on NPW since, y’know, I’m usually here. But a trios match- as six-men are often called is a whole other ball game. Because as you can see…
*He looks at the dumbbells*
LD: …I only have two arms. So we need to find a way to add a third to this, and that third person is possibly the most important of the group- the glue. Because if your glue is good, then instead of three separate personalities, you have one amazing unit. Let’s take the Syndicate as an example. You’ve got some boring wheat bread like Dane and a wild animal like Scott Steel.
*Dominicus brings front and center to the table a slice of bread and a possum plushie.*
LD: Now if you’re a normal person it seems pretty obvious what would happen here. Dane would be all like…
*He cups the bread in his hand like a mouth*
Boring Wheat Bread Dane: Now look here servile animal! I am really smart and think I know everything about wrestling. So allow me to explain how this really basic concept like merch works. When a performer is popular the people in the crowd we call “fans” blah blah blah anyway Lord Dominicus sells more than me but I’m somehow a better prospect than him?
LD: After several hours of this and about five naps for our happy possum here, Steel would do what all animals do, eat the boring bread.
Happy Possum Steel: YUMMYBREAD!
*Dominicus, deep in this recreation shoves the HPS into the BWBD to show him “eating” his partner.*
LD: Clearly this doesn’t work. Enter Jesse Jamester. You see, Jamester is animalistic enough to entreat Steel’s sensibilities but also lame enough to put up with whatever Dane was talking about last time he opened his mouth. A sycophant and a beast- not an easy combo to have. He provides the glue for this combo. Let’s uh…let’s go with tacky glue, as it’s called.
*The DARK LORD OF NPW produces a squeezy tube of tacky glue and applies it lavishly to the bread and then affixes said bread to the happy possum plushie. The bread sticks…well enough, it’s sort of sliding but we’ll pretend that’s not happening just like Dane pretends he completely controls every aspect of his stable.*
LD: See! Perfect! What would they do without Jamester? But things get a little more complicated with my side of the match. You see, as some sort of sick joke, rock hard totally-in-shape and awesome Lord Dominicus has been partnered up with a real piece of…. Anyway one of my partners is “Antiquated” Alex Turner.
*He holds up the LD dumbbell and grabs in his other hand a poop emoji plushie.*
LD: Clearly you can see the problem; these two things are neither magnetic, nor particularly inclined to stick together naturally- because Turner is a douchebag and we all know it. That means that there’s a lot of pressure on our glue- Mack, to hold us together.
Timeless Poop Plushie: WoMANs are dumb, lulz
Dominicus Dumbbell: Shut up old man, get off my lawn!
LD: Oh no! What will we do?
*Lord Dominicus reaches under the table and then produces a paint can with “INDUSTRIAL GLUE, BE HELLA CAREFUL” written on it and sets it on the table. He then picks up a paintbrush.*
LD: Ok, so we’ll just take Joseph Mack- no pressure Mack (tons of pressure)- and apply you liberally to myself and Turner.
*He uses a paintbrush to do this.*
LD: And then we put two hated enemies together and…
*They stick together, duh.*
LD: Voila! A team that is ready for a trios match!
*LD lets go of the Dominicus dumbbell to show the strength of the glue while giving a thumbs up. That was a bad idea. Timeless can’t carry this match and he certainly can’t carry a friggin exercising weight! The dumbbell immediately drops…..right onto the can of industrial glue. It goes everywhere. Oh no.*
LD: Oh no.
*He tries to drop the poop plushie; it’s stuck to his hand. He tries to rub said poop plushie off on the table; it picks up more of the random objects. He tries to dislodge all of this with his other hand. Now both are stuck together. Wow, Joseph Mack is really effective, right?*
LD: Don’t worry, I have a plan.
*His plan is to use his head to split his hands, it doesn’t work- but doesn’t get stuck, which is good. He breathes a sigh of relief there and sets his stuck-together hands down.*
LD: Ok, I’m going to get something to wash this glue off.
*He stand- nope, correction, he tries to stand up, is stuck to the table, falls face first into the table, and appears to also be stuck there.*
LD: BLAST YOU, ALEX TURNER!
*The camera fades as the production staff run to get help*
LD: Hello there you PITIFUL PEONS who look up to your shining LORD OF ALL DARNKESS! I’m here to give you a visual lesson on what you have to look forward to at the Vicious Valentine’s show. As you may or may not know- though you should be ashamed if you do not- your co-main event, perhaps some might call it the REAL main event, will feature myself, Joseph Mack, Scott Steel, and some people who I really don’t care about in a six man tag team match!
*He holds up six fingers*
LD: Most of you are probably used to normal tag matches. Those are easy. You and a partner work together to overcome two schlubs. Normal. Take me and Dinosaur Bones for example…
*Dominicus reaches under the table and pulls out two normal house-sized dumbbells and pumps a little plastic-coated iron.*
LD: Two guys come –oof- together to –ugh- show their prowess and overcome. And overcome we did against one of the most famous tag-teams in the XHF Network, the Nihilists. You guys probably didn’t see that because everyone’s eyes are on NPW since, y’know, I’m usually here. But a trios match- as six-men are often called is a whole other ball game. Because as you can see…
*He looks at the dumbbells*
LD: …I only have two arms. So we need to find a way to add a third to this, and that third person is possibly the most important of the group- the glue. Because if your glue is good, then instead of three separate personalities, you have one amazing unit. Let’s take the Syndicate as an example. You’ve got some boring wheat bread like Dane and a wild animal like Scott Steel.
*Dominicus brings front and center to the table a slice of bread and a possum plushie.*
LD: Now if you’re a normal person it seems pretty obvious what would happen here. Dane would be all like…
*He cups the bread in his hand like a mouth*
Boring Wheat Bread Dane: Now look here servile animal! I am really smart and think I know everything about wrestling. So allow me to explain how this really basic concept like merch works. When a performer is popular the people in the crowd we call “fans” blah blah blah anyway Lord Dominicus sells more than me but I’m somehow a better prospect than him?
LD: After several hours of this and about five naps for our happy possum here, Steel would do what all animals do, eat the boring bread.
Happy Possum Steel: YUMMYBREAD!
*Dominicus, deep in this recreation shoves the HPS into the BWBD to show him “eating” his partner.*
LD: Clearly this doesn’t work. Enter Jesse Jamester. You see, Jamester is animalistic enough to entreat Steel’s sensibilities but also lame enough to put up with whatever Dane was talking about last time he opened his mouth. A sycophant and a beast- not an easy combo to have. He provides the glue for this combo. Let’s uh…let’s go with tacky glue, as it’s called.
*The DARK LORD OF NPW produces a squeezy tube of tacky glue and applies it lavishly to the bread and then affixes said bread to the happy possum plushie. The bread sticks…well enough, it’s sort of sliding but we’ll pretend that’s not happening just like Dane pretends he completely controls every aspect of his stable.*
LD: See! Perfect! What would they do without Jamester? But things get a little more complicated with my side of the match. You see, as some sort of sick joke, rock hard totally-in-shape and awesome Lord Dominicus has been partnered up with a real piece of…. Anyway one of my partners is “Antiquated” Alex Turner.
*He holds up the LD dumbbell and grabs in his other hand a poop emoji plushie.*
LD: Clearly you can see the problem; these two things are neither magnetic, nor particularly inclined to stick together naturally- because Turner is a douchebag and we all know it. That means that there’s a lot of pressure on our glue- Mack, to hold us together.
Timeless Poop Plushie: WoMANs are dumb, lulz
Dominicus Dumbbell: Shut up old man, get off my lawn!
LD: Oh no! What will we do?
*Lord Dominicus reaches under the table and then produces a paint can with “INDUSTRIAL GLUE, BE HELLA CAREFUL” written on it and sets it on the table. He then picks up a paintbrush.*
LD: Ok, so we’ll just take Joseph Mack- no pressure Mack (tons of pressure)- and apply you liberally to myself and Turner.
*He uses a paintbrush to do this.*
LD: And then we put two hated enemies together and…
*They stick together, duh.*
LD: Voila! A team that is ready for a trios match!
*LD lets go of the Dominicus dumbbell to show the strength of the glue while giving a thumbs up. That was a bad idea. Timeless can’t carry this match and he certainly can’t carry a friggin exercising weight! The dumbbell immediately drops…..right onto the can of industrial glue. It goes everywhere. Oh no.*
LD: Oh no.
*He tries to drop the poop plushie; it’s stuck to his hand. He tries to rub said poop plushie off on the table; it picks up more of the random objects. He tries to dislodge all of this with his other hand. Now both are stuck together. Wow, Joseph Mack is really effective, right?*
LD: Don’t worry, I have a plan.
*His plan is to use his head to split his hands, it doesn’t work- but doesn’t get stuck, which is good. He breathes a sigh of relief there and sets his stuck-together hands down.*
LD: Ok, I’m going to get something to wash this glue off.
*He stand- nope, correction, he tries to stand up, is stuck to the table, falls face first into the table, and appears to also be stuck there.*
LD: BLAST YOU, ALEX TURNER!
*The camera fades as the production staff run to get help*
