Post by Jonnie Valentine on Feb 14, 2021 0:37:21 GMT -5
Gord Miller: Welcome back fans, I'm Gord Miller along with the legendary center Ray Ferraro, and the Leafs are up one to nothing.
(Shot expands to see "The Canadian Heart Throb" Jonnie Valentine step into frame)
Gord Miller: We have a treat as former Great White North Wrestling Canadian Provincial Champion "The Canadian Heart Throb" Jonnie Valentine is joining us for the second period. Jonnie, great to see you again.
Jonnie Valentine: Great to be back, Gord. Ray, huge fan.
Ray Ferraro: Likewise.
Gord Miller: Zach Hyman with a centering pass to Auston Matthews but it is blocked by Darnell Nurse!
Jonnie Valentine: Hello Nurse!
Ray Ferraro: (chuckles) Jonnie, you recently had a falling out with your partner Shawn Kutter...
(tinkling sound)
Ray Ferraro: What was the problem and what lead to such a violent break up?
Jonnie Valentine: Look, Ray. You know about teammates, and accountability, and the truth is if you ever asked me where Shawn Kutter was at any given moment I'd have a better chance of telling you the last time Scott Steel passed a wellness test. I never knew where the kid was, and he never had time to train, and when you want to be the best team in Canada you have to...I'm sorry, what is that noise? Are you...are you peeing your pants, Ray?
Ray Ferraro: Sure am!
Jonnie Valentine: But...why?
Ray Ferraro: Little peek behind the curtain, Jon Jon. All great announcers pee their pants. We're up here, drinking water, for what can be 6 hours with pre-game and post-game. There's no time for bathroom breaks, so we just go. That's why we always wear black pants, isn't that right, Gord?
Gord Miller: That's right, Ray.
Ray Ferraro: Now Jonnie, you have this big match coming up at the show named after you, Vicious Valentine in Mississauga, Ontario against Nemo, Nemo's a big guy, not afraid of the rough stuff, and is the leader of the Church of Oblivion. You've wrestled before in a fourway dance, but now you have each other one on one. What did you learn from that last encounter you could use in this one?
Jonnie Valentine: (unnerved) Well. As you said, I have wrestled him before and noticed some things. Things I'm not going to broadcast on Hockey Night in Canada, but let's say he's as green as gooseshit and still has the tag on his boots...
Gord Miller: You finished with that beer bottle?
Jonnie Valentine: Huh? Uh, no, but you can have it.
Gord Miller: Thanks.
Jonnie Valentine: Now, I've wasted alot of time holding Shawn Kutter's hand. I wasted alot of time telling him what time to get to a building and where to put your bag. Time I could have...
Gord Miller: (pissing in a beer bottle) Ahhhh....
Jonnie Valentine: Time I could have dedicated to winning my Canadian Provincial title back. First I had to wrestle those stiffs Desolation from The Church of Oblivion and now they put Neo in my way. Look kid. I'm sure you're dark and spooky, and Mrs. Nemo probably thinks she has a bad ass on her hands, but in pro wrestling, especially these days, you're a Canadian dime a dozen.
Ray Ferraro: That could buy a whole stack of flapjacks!
(tinkling)
Jonnie Valentine: Are you still peeing?
Ray Ferraro: Never stopped, baby!
Jonnie Valentine: Do the directors and producers get to pee their pants?
Ray Ferraro: No, they're imprisoned by the chains of society. The silent contract we make as a civilization. While they suffer in dry pants, we fly, free like birds.
Jonnie Valentine: I wondered why the floor was grated. At Vicious Valentine's, the show Gus Arnold named after me, Neo is looking to make his mark in my business, but he's going to have to get the next one, Ray. Nemo should just take his bird out to dinner after the show, something with beans on toast, and forget all about the horrible match he just had. It'll be hard though because your stitches will still be fresh.
Gord Miller: (sips on his 64 ounce Big Gulp) Jake Muzzin with a pass to John Tavares, blistering slap shot and SCORE!!!
(Horn in Scotiabank Arena goes off and all the Maple Leafs come in for some hugging)
Gord Miller: Maples Leafs up two to zero, and Tavares is one goal away from a hat trick. Jonnie, thanks for coming in again.
Jonnie Valentine: It's been eye opening, Gord.
Gord Miller: We'll be right back with the rest of the second period with the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Edmonton Oilers.
(Shot expands to see "The Canadian Heart Throb" Jonnie Valentine step into frame)
Gord Miller: We have a treat as former Great White North Wrestling Canadian Provincial Champion "The Canadian Heart Throb" Jonnie Valentine is joining us for the second period. Jonnie, great to see you again.
Jonnie Valentine: Great to be back, Gord. Ray, huge fan.
Ray Ferraro: Likewise.
Gord Miller: Zach Hyman with a centering pass to Auston Matthews but it is blocked by Darnell Nurse!
Jonnie Valentine: Hello Nurse!
Ray Ferraro: (chuckles) Jonnie, you recently had a falling out with your partner Shawn Kutter...
(tinkling sound)
Ray Ferraro: What was the problem and what lead to such a violent break up?
Jonnie Valentine: Look, Ray. You know about teammates, and accountability, and the truth is if you ever asked me where Shawn Kutter was at any given moment I'd have a better chance of telling you the last time Scott Steel passed a wellness test. I never knew where the kid was, and he never had time to train, and when you want to be the best team in Canada you have to...I'm sorry, what is that noise? Are you...are you peeing your pants, Ray?
Ray Ferraro: Sure am!
Jonnie Valentine: But...why?
Ray Ferraro: Little peek behind the curtain, Jon Jon. All great announcers pee their pants. We're up here, drinking water, for what can be 6 hours with pre-game and post-game. There's no time for bathroom breaks, so we just go. That's why we always wear black pants, isn't that right, Gord?
Gord Miller: That's right, Ray.
Ray Ferraro: Now Jonnie, you have this big match coming up at the show named after you, Vicious Valentine in Mississauga, Ontario against Nemo, Nemo's a big guy, not afraid of the rough stuff, and is the leader of the Church of Oblivion. You've wrestled before in a fourway dance, but now you have each other one on one. What did you learn from that last encounter you could use in this one?
Jonnie Valentine: (unnerved) Well. As you said, I have wrestled him before and noticed some things. Things I'm not going to broadcast on Hockey Night in Canada, but let's say he's as green as gooseshit and still has the tag on his boots...
Gord Miller: You finished with that beer bottle?
Jonnie Valentine: Huh? Uh, no, but you can have it.
Gord Miller: Thanks.
Jonnie Valentine: Now, I've wasted alot of time holding Shawn Kutter's hand. I wasted alot of time telling him what time to get to a building and where to put your bag. Time I could have...
Gord Miller: (pissing in a beer bottle) Ahhhh....
Jonnie Valentine: Time I could have dedicated to winning my Canadian Provincial title back. First I had to wrestle those stiffs Desolation from The Church of Oblivion and now they put Neo in my way. Look kid. I'm sure you're dark and spooky, and Mrs. Nemo probably thinks she has a bad ass on her hands, but in pro wrestling, especially these days, you're a Canadian dime a dozen.
Ray Ferraro: That could buy a whole stack of flapjacks!
(tinkling)
Jonnie Valentine: Are you still peeing?
Ray Ferraro: Never stopped, baby!
Jonnie Valentine: Do the directors and producers get to pee their pants?
Ray Ferraro: No, they're imprisoned by the chains of society. The silent contract we make as a civilization. While they suffer in dry pants, we fly, free like birds.
Jonnie Valentine: I wondered why the floor was grated. At Vicious Valentine's, the show Gus Arnold named after me, Neo is looking to make his mark in my business, but he's going to have to get the next one, Ray. Nemo should just take his bird out to dinner after the show, something with beans on toast, and forget all about the horrible match he just had. It'll be hard though because your stitches will still be fresh.
Gord Miller: (sips on his 64 ounce Big Gulp) Jake Muzzin with a pass to John Tavares, blistering slap shot and SCORE!!!
(Horn in Scotiabank Arena goes off and all the Maple Leafs come in for some hugging)
Gord Miller: Maples Leafs up two to zero, and Tavares is one goal away from a hat trick. Jonnie, thanks for coming in again.
Jonnie Valentine: It's been eye opening, Gord.
Gord Miller: We'll be right back with the rest of the second period with the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Edmonton Oilers.
