Post by gmaybury on Feb 17, 2021 16:51:48 GMT -5
And now, a special segment. We go to Wales...
(We cut to a garden, with a shed. There's two chairs. One is filled by a gentleman holding a microphone. His suit is cheap, his hair is greasy, and his moustache just looks pervy)
Interviewer: In a change from your normal programming, I'm Barri Bollocks, from Welsh Television. And I'm here in Ruabon in North Wales for a sitdown interview to speak to one man, about his past few years. And here he is now
Offscreen: Christ, not yet pal!
Barri: It's been a strange time in..erm.. Ruabon isn't it? But here he
Offscreen: NOT YET!
Barri: The weather this week has ranged from cold, rainy, to chilly and snowy. I've also always been a massive fan of the films of...
Offscreen: Aye, ready
Barri: I'm here in Ruabon in North Wales for a sitdown interview to speak to one man, about his past few years. And here he is now. Former Welsh Rugby International and Professional Wrestler in them places that aren't Wales – Gaz Maybury
(Gaz Maybury stumbles into view wearing a poor suit and fumbling with his fly with his right hand, and carrying a bag with his left. He sits down, after giving a shifty look towards the shed)
Gaz: Alright cariad.
(Gaz reaches into his bag and brings out a can of poor quality lager, which he opens)
Barri: So, Gareth. You were a man of means. Of wealth. The man who once paid 12 women dressed inappropiately to build you a Tennis Court in Florida in 2001.
Gaz: Mate, let's swerve that one, I'm after a job here pal.
Barri: Ah yes, that job. You've been a man of many jobs haven't you. Pub landlord, milkman, but three jobs that stand out more than most.
COUGH COUGH
(Gaz looks towards the shed)
Gaz: Yes.I'd imagine you're talking about my decorated past as a Rugby player for Llanelli, Wales, and the British Lions. My Wrestling career as well over in North America brought me some plaudits. All I want as I get a few years older is a bit of respect, and respite.
Barri: Your career on the rugby pitch was seen as one of the finest 5 year bursts of all time. To score your final try against South Africa in 2001 with a torn ACL is something still talked about to this day. Were you in pain?
Gaz: Well, yeah.
Barri: Then, you entered wrestling. You were an international superstar, although many say you never reached your potential. From a life on the Rugby pitch where your potential was stripped away from you, to the wrestling ring where people say you drank it and smoked it away.
Gaz: Alright pal, no need
Barri: And now you're approaching fifty, out of shape, out of money, and there's reasons for that....
COUGH COUGH
Barri: Of course, you've some financial issues. children you've never met, assault of a journalist.
Gaz: I was a rum bugger when I was younger, few legal problems and things we won't go into, but now I'm moving to Canada, it's a chance to start afresh. To leave all that daftness, and gimmickry behind. A mature outlook, for a mature man. I'd love to make it up to everyone I've done wrong, and not just because of the impending court cases. I'd just like to think I've done righ...
COUGH COUGH
(Gaz looks towards the shed)
Gaz: (angrily whispers towards it) You're fine pal. You're fine. Fucks sakes
COUGH COUGH
Gaz: I can't hear anything Barri. Nor can you, keep interviewing. But yeah, I'm trying to reinven...
BANG
(smoke raises. The shed explodes. All four walls fall, leaving an obese old man covered in soot)
Old Man: I Say, I say.
Gaz: awww, for fu.....
(Yes, it's former coronation street character which Gaz bought the rights to 20 years ago Fat Fred Elliot. The finest wrestling mind of all time, but a boil and a plague on the arse of Gaz)
Fred: I say, Gaz, I say. I've been in that shed reading your pornography, reading your pornography I have, and I've heard nowt less shite, nowt less shite in my life. Hiding me away, hiding me away I say, like.... Well like the dirty pamphlets in that wooden abode. What I say, and say it I do, is that you stop, I say stop, trying to be this posh tie wearing bastard. I've just burned down this shed we've both, I say both, been living in. Let's go to that Canada. Christ on a bike, I say, christ on a bike. 12 years ago you've have not even let me sleep, I say let me sleep in the same shed as you in a garden you pretend to own. Get your bollocks, I say, get your bollocks back. Let's go to Canada. Let's at least buy a bigger, bigger I say, shed.
Gaz: Fred. I've never let you speak for me in 20 years. Why didn't I sooner? I'm still taking the money for the appearance, but fair play to you Fred you egg built baldy great sod. Let's do it. Let's go to NPW! Let's make our wet dreams come true! Oi, Barri the irrelevant interviewer – haven't got a quid for a bus to the airport have you pal?
(We cut to a garden, with a shed. There's two chairs. One is filled by a gentleman holding a microphone. His suit is cheap, his hair is greasy, and his moustache just looks pervy)
Interviewer: In a change from your normal programming, I'm Barri Bollocks, from Welsh Television. And I'm here in Ruabon in North Wales for a sitdown interview to speak to one man, about his past few years. And here he is now
Offscreen: Christ, not yet pal!
Barri: It's been a strange time in..erm.. Ruabon isn't it? But here he
Offscreen: NOT YET!
Barri: The weather this week has ranged from cold, rainy, to chilly and snowy. I've also always been a massive fan of the films of...
Offscreen: Aye, ready
Barri: I'm here in Ruabon in North Wales for a sitdown interview to speak to one man, about his past few years. And here he is now. Former Welsh Rugby International and Professional Wrestler in them places that aren't Wales – Gaz Maybury
(Gaz Maybury stumbles into view wearing a poor suit and fumbling with his fly with his right hand, and carrying a bag with his left. He sits down, after giving a shifty look towards the shed)
Gaz: Alright cariad.
(Gaz reaches into his bag and brings out a can of poor quality lager, which he opens)
Barri: So, Gareth. You were a man of means. Of wealth. The man who once paid 12 women dressed inappropiately to build you a Tennis Court in Florida in 2001.
Gaz: Mate, let's swerve that one, I'm after a job here pal.
Barri: Ah yes, that job. You've been a man of many jobs haven't you. Pub landlord, milkman, but three jobs that stand out more than most.
COUGH COUGH
(Gaz looks towards the shed)
Gaz: Yes.I'd imagine you're talking about my decorated past as a Rugby player for Llanelli, Wales, and the British Lions. My Wrestling career as well over in North America brought me some plaudits. All I want as I get a few years older is a bit of respect, and respite.
Barri: Your career on the rugby pitch was seen as one of the finest 5 year bursts of all time. To score your final try against South Africa in 2001 with a torn ACL is something still talked about to this day. Were you in pain?
Gaz: Well, yeah.
Barri: Then, you entered wrestling. You were an international superstar, although many say you never reached your potential. From a life on the Rugby pitch where your potential was stripped away from you, to the wrestling ring where people say you drank it and smoked it away.
Gaz: Alright pal, no need
Barri: And now you're approaching fifty, out of shape, out of money, and there's reasons for that....
COUGH COUGH
Barri: Of course, you've some financial issues. children you've never met, assault of a journalist.
Gaz: I was a rum bugger when I was younger, few legal problems and things we won't go into, but now I'm moving to Canada, it's a chance to start afresh. To leave all that daftness, and gimmickry behind. A mature outlook, for a mature man. I'd love to make it up to everyone I've done wrong, and not just because of the impending court cases. I'd just like to think I've done righ...
COUGH COUGH
(Gaz looks towards the shed)
Gaz: (angrily whispers towards it) You're fine pal. You're fine. Fucks sakes
COUGH COUGH
Gaz: I can't hear anything Barri. Nor can you, keep interviewing. But yeah, I'm trying to reinven...
BANG
(smoke raises. The shed explodes. All four walls fall, leaving an obese old man covered in soot)
Old Man: I Say, I say.
Gaz: awww, for fu.....
(Yes, it's former coronation street character which Gaz bought the rights to 20 years ago Fat Fred Elliot. The finest wrestling mind of all time, but a boil and a plague on the arse of Gaz)
Fred: I say, Gaz, I say. I've been in that shed reading your pornography, reading your pornography I have, and I've heard nowt less shite, nowt less shite in my life. Hiding me away, hiding me away I say, like.... Well like the dirty pamphlets in that wooden abode. What I say, and say it I do, is that you stop, I say stop, trying to be this posh tie wearing bastard. I've just burned down this shed we've both, I say both, been living in. Let's go to that Canada. Christ on a bike, I say, christ on a bike. 12 years ago you've have not even let me sleep, I say let me sleep in the same shed as you in a garden you pretend to own. Get your bollocks, I say, get your bollocks back. Let's go to Canada. Let's at least buy a bigger, bigger I say, shed.
Gaz: Fred. I've never let you speak for me in 20 years. Why didn't I sooner? I'm still taking the money for the appearance, but fair play to you Fred you egg built baldy great sod. Let's do it. Let's go to NPW! Let's make our wet dreams come true! Oi, Barri the irrelevant interviewer – haven't got a quid for a bus to the airport have you pal?