Thursday Night Inferno, Episode #6 [March 4th]
Mar 4, 2021 22:59:18 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 6 more like this
Post by anthonycaffrey on Mar 4, 2021 22:59:18 GMT -5
The arena is dark, we see a single flame appear on stage. From its light we can see illuminated a gloved hand holding the flame. We can just make out the shadowy visage of the FIRESIDE World Heavyweight Champion, Esmur.
Esmur: So many times we are told, for every darkness, there is a light. The night is darkest before the dawn. And this is normally the truth. But there comes a time when that light fails to shine. And the fire is extinguished.
He slams his fist closed extinguishing the flame. Darkness sets in.
Esmur: In the end we all end up the same. But this is not the end times. More accurately this … is a beginning!
He snaps his fingers on the other hand and a spark ignites a flame in that hand, also gloved.
Esmur: Tonight, I stand here igniting the flame that burns through the night … welcoming you to the era of eternity. A few weeks ago I claimed this title ... and my reign will be a storied one which will elevate the company to new heights. And while it too will surely end … I intend to feed the flame for many weeks and months to come.
The lights in the arena go bright and we can see him in his robe and wearing his belt. Gebin walks out behind him with the FIRESIDE flame showing he never extinguished the actual flame and this was all for show. Esmur extinguishes the flame in his hand again and grabs the fire from Gebin.
Esmur: So tonight, count your privileges in this life. Take in the world around you. Breathe. Live in the moment. And find your inner fire. Stoke that flame and let it burn and consume all you do. Burn bright, and never with regrets. Let those who would be inspired take of that fire and spread it. Let those who would extinguish it … burn up and away. Welcome to the conflagration that is FIRESIDE’s Inferno. To all of you here tonight, all of you at home, and to our partner Mistess Discipline, and foes later tonight ... Embrace … the fire!
He lights the torch and the flame blocks him from view as we hear him laugh. As the flame drops to normal levels, the Nihilists are gone.
Wright: HEEELLLO FIRESIDE FAITHFUL! My name is Oliver Wright, alongside the ass-kicking and arm-breaking UnJoo Park, and we’d like to welcome you tonight to the Era of Eternity!
Park: Thanks Oliver! It’s a bold claim from our world champion, but he worked hard to get where he’s at now, so who’s to say if anyone can stop him?
Wright: We’ll see him in a six wrestler tag team match later in the evening, and we’ve also got our main event three-team no-disqualification match, where the winners will fight Team USA at Fuel for the Fire, but first, how about a gauntlet match?
Park: Mistress Discipline qualified for a SPARK Championship Match after winning last week’s five-way, and we’re about to find out who’ll be fighting her in three weeks!
Washington: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is our opening contest, and tonight, it’s a Gauntlet Match! Two competitors will start in the ring, and a pinfall or submission eliminates them from the match! Whoever’s the last wrestler standing will fight Mistress Discipline at Fuel for the FIRE for the SPARK Championship!
The crowd roars!
Washington: Introducing first, making her FIRESIDE debut, she is the J-ROK Straight Edge Champion, from Paris, Illinois, weighing in at 165 pounds, she is ZOOOOOOOOOOLLOOOOOOOOTHAAAAAAACCCCHHH!
“Cthulu” by Gunship begins playing as torches light the entranceway and aisle. “Zolothach” Tabitha Osborne walks out from the back with a wide grin as she takes in the boos from a crowd already familiar with her work.
Wright: The fans already giving “Zolotach” Tabi-
Park: DON’T SAY THAT! Do you value your limbs, Oliver? The last thing you say is her birth name. This is a dangerous, Cthulhu-worshipping monster of a woman who allegedly murdered her parents. She keeps a brain in a jar.
Wright: Thank you for saving my life there.
Park: No worries. I don’t need to do screen tests with new partners again.
She heads down to the ring with a sexy swagger, but her corpse-like appearance doesn’t inspire many catcalls. She rolls into the ring and leans in her corner, handing her championship off to the timekeeper.
Wright: She’s come to the States to advance her career further, and tonight’s a big opportunity. Win this Gauntlet Match, fight for the SPARK Championship, defend it three times, and you’ve got a shot at Esmur and the world title.
Park: Easier said than done, but if anyone could do it, it’s Zolothach.
Washington: Introducing her opponent, first, from Camden, New Jersey, from Camden, New Jersey, weighing in at 160 pounds, she is the South Jersey Southpaw, NIIICOOLLLEEE MARIIIIIINNOOOO!
“Going the Distance” by Bill Conti hits the speakers as the SJS makes her debut. She is dressed more for a boxing match, with an American hoodie, taped fists, and athletic shorts. Fans of her work on the independent scene and in boxing rings throughout the region greet her as she shadowboxes on her way down to the ring.
Wright: Nicole Marino is apparently known on the local fighting scene here in Philly, and the South Jersey Southpaw has a big opportunity to make a lasting impression.
Park: An accredited boxer and multi-time champion, let’s see how she does!
After shedding her hoodie, the match is on between Zolothach and the South Jersey Southpaw. Marino comes in hot, trying to fire off lefts and rights and clobber the bigger competitor, but Zolothach takes her legs out from under her with a running cannonball leg sweep. Marino manages to pull herself back up on the ropes, but quickly finds herself back on the mat as the result of a missile dropkick.
Wright: A fast start for Zolothach here!
Park: She’s hitting hard and fast, I’m not sure Marino knows what hit her!
Marino tries to mount some offense but gets knocked back to the mat with a Lou Thesz press. The boxer finds herself in trouble as Zolothach lays in punch after punch. As she rises back to her feet, the ring audio picks up her audible praise for Ctuhulu.
Zolothach: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nag fhtagn.
Wright: What the hell does that mean?
Park: I don’t really want to know!
Zolothach waits for her moment, climbing up to the top rope, before corkscrewing off of it and catching the South Jersey Southpaw with a corkscrew cutter!
Wright: Twist of Fate!
Park: That’s going to be it for Marino, thanks for coming!
Referee Chris Mardinly makes the count!
...ONE…
...TWO…
...THREE!
Washington: NICOLE MARINO HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Wright: A display of agility from Zolothach there!
Park: I don’t even think Marino touched her!
Drawing more disapproval from the crowd, Zolothach puts the boots to her opponent, driving her out of the ring and onto the floor. The crowd does not approve as Zolothach waits for her next victim.
Washington: Introducing next, from the High Seas, weighing in at 225 pounds, he is the Pirate of a New Age, he is Captain Conrad Calico!
Popular sea shanty “The Wellerman Comes” plays throughout the crowd as a large rope drops from the rafters. The crowd pops as the next thing they see is Captain Calico sliding down it with a scimitar trapped between his teeth. He lands and gives it a flourish before continuing down to the ring.
Wright: Quite the entrance from Mr. Calico!
Park: I like him, I’m not sure I like his chances!
Calico climbs up the ring apron and grabs the top rope, somersaulting his way over the rope and into the ring! He is immediately met with a brutal axe kick for his troubles!
Wright: Yo ho-oh no!
Park: Did you hear the sound of Zolothach’s foot making impact? Good Lord!
Zolothach scoops up Captain Calico and locks him up in a cobra clutch sleeper. He’s already not doing too well to fight back, but things get worse for him when he leaves his feet and is spun around by the powerful champion. The referee doesn’t even bother trying to raise his arm.
Washington: CAPTAIN CONRAD CALICO HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Wright: Someone should check him for a pulse!
Park: A scary showing of efficiency from Zolothach. This Gauntlet is quickly becoming Zolothach just having her way with the opposition.
Zolothach picks up Calico and throws him out of the ring, seemingly purposely trying to drop him on his head. The crowd boos as Zolothach stands tall once again.
Washington: Introducing next, he is the Social Media Specialist, from TikTok, weighing in at 195 pounds, you know him as Mang0L0ve, he is Spanky Gazpacho DW!
“The Box” by Roddy Rich plays on the speakers as the social media star doesn’t immediately enter.
Wright: I’ve got this guy lasting maybe two minutes, what about you?
Park: He’s got over 4.5 million views--
Wright: How do you know this? Are you following him?
Park: Listen, it’s been a long pandemic!
Marcus Washington puts his hand up to his earpiece. He leans into make an announcement.
Washington: As a result of a forfeit, Spanky Gazpacho DW HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Wright: Spanky with a good move for his career longevity, staying far away from Zolothach and this match!
Park: I’d be terrified too! We’ve seen two competitors absolutely destroyed so far!
Washington: Please welcome our final participant, from Raleigh, North Carolina, weighing in at 252 pounds, please give it up for the return of BUUUUCKKKYYY ‘TITANIUM’ KNNNNNNNIIIIGHTTTT!
The crowd cheers for the possible relief from the tough-talkin’, high-ridin’, wise-crackin’ street cowboy. He greets the fans with a “WELLLL HOOOOWWWWWWWWWW-----DYYYYYYYYY!” before making his way down to the ring.
Wright: One of FIRESIDE’s vets, we’ve seen Bucky fight in some tough battles, but tonight he’s got a mountain to climb in the form of Zolothach!
Park: She’s on a roll and absolutely decimating the competition. I would not blame him if he turned and ran as well.
Bucky stands in the ring, ready to take it to Zolothach. The final leg of the Gauntlet begins with the two locking up, but Zolothach pushes Bucky back and catches him with a hard enziguri! Bucky is left down on one knee, and Zolothach leaps up onto his shoulders and plants him hard into the mat with a shoulder spin ‘rana!
Wright: Attack the Mind! That might be it right there!
Park: I don’t think she’s done!
Adding injury to potential insult, Zolothach traps Bucky’s arm in a reverse crucifix, and then locks her legs around his neck to choke him out as well! Bucky is left with no choice but to immediately tap with the free hand!
Wright: The Stars Are Right! Bucky taps immediately!
Park: What a stomp from Zolothach!
Washington: HERE IS YOUR WINNER, FACING MISTRESS DISCIPLINE AT FUEL FOR THE FIRE FOR THE SPARK CHAMPIONSHIP, ZOLOOOOTHAAACHHHH!
Wright: Just an absolute annihilation tonight!
Park: She’s not let go of the hold, Oliver!
Zolothach keeps the hold applied, drawing jeers and criticism from the crowd as she looks to make BTK suffer. He taps out again before passing out in the hold, and it’s only then that she releases him. The crowd’s booing only gets louder as she has her hand raised by the referee.
Wright: The Iconic Terror of Illinois takes home a commanding victory tonight.
Park: I would hate to be Mistress Discipline right now!
The show cuts to a location in a backstage area. There is a barber chair set up in front of a mirror and, at the moment, a stylist is busily working on whoever is seated in the chair. The stylist steps away to reveal that it is Vodka Fizz in the chair. He admires the stylist's handiwork in an unseen mirror, then finally smiles.
Vodka: That's perfect, man. You know how long it's been since I got my hair done by somebody who knew how to follow directions?
The stylist chuckles, putting his hair styling tools back into a kit and then taking out a shaving kit.
Stylist: We're almost done, we just gotta shave off that creeper moustache.
Voddy looks startled, then rubs his fingers over the wispy, pathetic beginnings of a moustache.
Vodka: No dice, chief. I like the 'stache.
The stylist rolls his eyes theatrically, then plants a hand on his hip, pointing a razor at the still unseen mirror.
Stylist: V, it makes you look like a French pedophile.
Vodka: French? Ooh la la, me llamo Vodka Fizz.
Vodka pouts his lips and the stylist snorts back laughter.
Stylist: Voddy, that's Spanish.
Vodka: Menya zovut Vodka Fizz?
The stylist quirks an eyebrow.
Stylist: I think that was Russian?
Vodka: Chụ̄x k̄hxng c̄hạn khụ̄x Vodka Fizz.
The stylist raises both brows now, looking begrudgingly impressed.
Stylist: Ok, why do you know know Thai?
Voddy grins.
Vodka: That's a funny story. A couple of years ago I took part in this crazy wrestling event in Thailand. 'S called 'Khwām rùngrocn̒ h̄rụ̄x khwām tāy.' It meand 'Glory or Death,' and it's kinda like if you took one of those Bloodsport wrestling match rings and put it on a scaffold twenty feet above an empty swimming pool on an old cruise ship and then had people beat the crap out of each other. Only way to win is by knockout, submission, or ring out.
The stylist goggles at Voddy for a moment before speaking.
Stylist: What about that was a funny story?
Vodka: Oh, that was the part where I got bit by a tiger. I have it on video, I'll pull it up. It's hilarious.
The stylist sputters at Voddy's response while the wrestler pulls out his phone. A moment later, the sound of cheering can be heard from the unseen video, follwoing by shrieks of pain, which has Voddy in hysterics and the Stylist looking somewhere between enthralled and horrified.
Vodka: See? I told you I got that scar when a cougar tried to eat my ass.
The stylist doesn't respond, still enthralled by whatever is playing on the phone. Voddy shrugs and settles in to watch too.
Washington: The following contest is a non-title tag team match scheduled for One Fall! Introducing first, weighing in a combined 397 pounds, they are James Raymond and Jason Long, the NEW AGEEEE KILLLLERRRSSSS!
The heavy beats of "No Love" by Death Grips hits the speakers as the house lights shine down to the drumming beat over the speakers. Flashes of Jason Long and James Raymond with their respective singles championship gold appears on the Tron with each beat that passes. The crowd is already booing in disapproval.
Wright: The New Age Killers have faced criticism and loud, boisterous booing since coming into FIRESIDE, but you have to give them credit: they’re still here.
Park: Of course they’re still here. Jason Long collects championships like they’re cereal prizes, and James Raymond is on a constant mission to prove himself.
"How the trip
Never stops
On and on
It's beyond insane
Why I set
Myself up
In a raging sea of flames?"
The instrumental pours through the P.A. System as the lights come to life and flash down onto the stage, the New Age Killers logo filling the Tron as some of the fans within the arena bang their heads to the beat of the song. The house light spiraled around the arena as the Tron flashes the team work of both Jason Long and James Raymond as a team.
"You're fit ta learn the proper meaning of a beatdown
Madness chaos in the brain
Let my blood flow, make my blood flow through you mane
You got no business questioning a thang"
Once the lyrics hit the speakers, the curtain flies open and The New Age Killers slowly walkthrough, making their presence known with each step they take before stopping at the top of the ramp and looking out to the sold-out arena in front of them. Jason looks out to the crowd, James crouches down and brushes his hand along the steel floor below. Jason taps James on the shoulder as he rises up to his feet and they both look at one another, smiling before looking out to the crowd once more.
Wright: This might be a case where this Philly crowd doesn’t like either team tonight.
Park: Raymond and Long aren’t the best people in the world, calling for a public execution of FIRESIDE. Plus, Long’s hatred of Philadelphia is long, long noted.
Wright: I think the champs might have something to say about all of that.
Washington: And their opponents, at a combined weight tonight of 425 pounds, from Washington, D.C., and Portland, Oregon, they are the FIRESIDE Tag Team Champions, the team of President Curtis Kanyon and ‘Devilish’ Donny Deville, Team UUUUUUUUUUUUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
A mash up of Hideki Naganuma's "Teknopathetic" and Metallica's "Don't Tread on Me" plays. After a good amount of drums, Donny comes out of the back with a cartwheel into a a front flip and lands in the modern super hero pose looking out at the hostile, loudly booing crowd. Curtis emerges right behind him with a sledgehammer over his shoulder, and hoists it in the air when Donny hits the pose. A bunch of pyro in alternating red, white, and blue go off from the stage shooting into in succession away from the men as they are in pose.
Wright: The Unique Stud Alliance seemingly got away with one of the most despicable and viable acts we’ve seen in FIRESIDE, severely injuring our owner.
Park: I’m not saying they’re right, but Caffrey was in their business all the time. They’re two great former world champions and he was jealous of them. Donny is also a world-class Olympic athlete and Kanyon’s one of the greatest AXW Undisputed champions of all time. Let’s not forget Deville’s huge win over Jonnie Valentine, really cementing himself here in FIRESIDE.
Park: Yeah, but let’s also not forget the sledgehammer to Valentine’s face that helped make that victory happen.
Donny springs forth and flips his way down the ramp, each one adding more twists than the last, finally landing perfectly. Curtis walks nonchalantly behind and gives Donny a thumbs up with his free hand at the finish. Donny jumps up to the apron and pulls the ropes down, using them to launch himself on top before moonsaulting off of them, again landing in that hero pose. As he does, Curtis rolls into the ring and climbs a turnbuckle, then points to the crowd with his hammer before hoisting it straight up into the air, and yells "BANG!"
Wright: One has to wonder if Kanyon’s going to be looking to turn that hammer in on James Raymond tonight.
Park: James Raymond is Kanyon’s kryptonite, Oliver. The two men have had wars, Raymond took the world championship from Kanyon, back in AXW, and really each time it’s been Raymond taking home the win.
Wright: Another chapter in their rivalry begins in just a few moments… and they’re both starting! Here we go!
The bell rings and we immediately launch into an unholy brawl between the former President of the United States and a man known for his ruthless aggression. They strike at each other with rabid punches, trying to land one that will open up their opponent to the rest of their offensive arsenal. Eventually Kanyon takes it in his own hands, or in this case, head, as he strikes Raymond right in the chest with a vicious headbutt, knocking down the man who once took his world championship.
Wright: A hard shot with that headbutt!
Park: Kanyon’s as hard-headed as they come.
Curtis Kanyon forgoes any type of ground game to instead focus on stomping a mudhole into Raymond. Raymond has to back himself up into the corner for any kind of reprieve, and even then it takes the referee’s count reaching three seconds for Kanyon to actually back off his opponent. Raymond pulls himself back up right as Kanyon charges in for a clothesline in the corner, and manages to scoot himself out of the way just in time for Kanyon to eat the turnbuckle. Jason Long has blind tagged himself into the match, and the two men fire unison superkicks into Kanyon’s chest while he’s still in their corner.
Wright: Double superkick! A duo shot from the 2020 J-ROK Sakura Tag League winners as the over-aggression of Kanyon costs him big.
Park: It feels like he’s a mile away from Deville now. He’s definitely not somewhere he wants to be.
James Raymond moves to the outside of the ring as Jason Long surveys his man before bouncing off the ropes and striking him with a shining wizard right to the back of the head. He covers!
...ONE…
...TW-Kanyon kicks out!
Long ignores a crowd that has seemingly decided to play no favorites as he climbs up to the second rope before launching himself backward and dropping a knee right in the face of Kanyon. James Raymond, more than happy to tag in while his long-time rival is down on the mat, does just that, becoming the legal man. Long and Raymond whip Kanyon into a corner and when he comes out, they nail him with a tandem suplex. Raymond makes the pin.
...ONE…
...TW-Kanyon kicks out!
Wright: We’re seeing a more focused pair tonight in the New Age Killers.
Park: They talked a lot of trash about the division, and so far are backing it up. The loss to Five and Divine last week may have been a wake-up call.
Raymond stomps on Curtis Kanyon’s hand and sits on his back to focus on manipulating Kanyon’s left hand. As he stretches the fingers, there is no cheering or rallying from the crowd as fans take pleasure in watching him suffer. He screams out in pain as his fingers are bent in the worst ways.
Wright: Every time I see fingers stretched this way I start getting sick.
Park: You wouldn’t have liked my career then! This is a great way to injure an opponent.
Kanyon manages to push off of Raymond with his free hand, sliding through his legs and back towards his corner. The tag is made and Deville takes a step off of the crawling Kanyon to nail Raymond with a flying spin kick! The kick knocks Raymond squarely back onto the mat. He gets up and swings a kick of his own, but Deville rolls under and into a handspring back elbow!
Wright: Quick as a cat, the FIRESIDE tag team champion has come in like a house of fire!
Park: This might be it right here!
...ONE…
...TWO…
...James Raymond kicks out!
Deville spots the top rope and straight up leaps onto it without even having to climb. He waits for James Raymond to make it back up to his feet, but Jason Long is in territory to stop him, coming in close. Deville boots him off the apron and to the floor before turning his attention back to Raymond. He leaps for the frog splash, but Raymond turns out of the way, and Deville tucks instead to roll back onto his feet in one motion! He wags his finger and strikes Raymond with a roundhouse kick before going for the cover!
Wright: Roundhouse kick from the Olympic champion!
Park: He caught him right on the chin with that!
...ONE…
...TWO…
...T-Jason Long somehow makes the save!
Wright: Long with speed of his own, I’m impressed with him getting back to his feet that quickly!
Park: Raymond needs to tag out in the worst way!
Deville wastes no time in getting back up to his feet. He turns himself for positioning, and then backflips into the double stomp, but Raymond avoids the stomp, then absolutely nails Deville with a big boot!
Wright: Hunter’s Mark! Not the usual way he hits it, but desperate times call for desperate measures!
Park: Long wants back in! Can Raymond make it?
The crowd has each picked their sides as both men are down in the center of the ring. They each begin the slow, agonizing crawl to their corners, with Raymond and Deville tagging out at nearly the same time! The crowd comes alive as Long pulls in his opponent for a ripcord discus lariat, but Kanyon ducks the lariat and plants him with a diamond cutter!
Wright: Kanyon Cutter! Kanyon Cutter!
Park: He got him! Goodnight Mr. Long!
...ONE…
...TWO…
...TH-NO!
Jason Long gets the shoulder up!
Park: So close! Another split second and this match would have been over!
Kanyon backs up into his corner. The crowd rises to their feet, booing louder and louder as they know what’s coming next.
Wright: President Curtis Kanyon is looking to BANG his opponent away right here!
Park: I don’t know if Jason knows where he is right now!
Kanyon charges forward, but Long leaps the BANG --- only for Kanyon to BANG the referee instead! Before Kanyon can fully register what’s happened, Long strikes with a punt kick!
Wright: Vanity Killer! Jason Long might’ve just put his lights out!
Park: But I think the referee’s lights might be out too!
Jason Long throws an arm over!
…
...
...
....
The referee’s still down! The crowd boos as Long is forced to move off the cover to check on referee Chris Mardinly!
Wright: We need a replacement out here!
Park: I don’t think we have one! I think Mardinly’s the only one we have!
Wright: Jason Long would have that match won but there’s no referee to count!
Jason Long shakes the referee in an attempt to bring him back to consciousness but there’s no real use. He bangs on the mat in frustration before looking at the downed Kanyon, fully prepared to give him another punt kick.
Wright: Long may not have caught all of that first kick, but if he hits a second, it indeed will be a public execution!
Park: Kanyon’s in a bad way here!
Long backs up into the corner, ready to hit the punt… only to be met with a sledgehammer right to the back of his head!
Wright: No! Damnit!
Park: Heavy is the head that gets blasted with a sledge!
The crowd fiercely boos as Jason Long collapses in a heap. ‘Devilish’ Donny Deville goes to take a mocking bow, but James Raymond is in to --- also get hit with the hammer! Raymond finds himself holding his face as Deville looks at the hammer like the smuggest of bastards.
Wright: I can’t believe this!
Park: This crowd is letting him have it!
Deville rolls outside of the ring and flips up the apron, looking for something. He spots a table and slides it out, quickly working to set it up on the outside of the ring. He comes back into the ring and checks on his partner, helping him back up, and when Kanyon gets an understanding of the plan, his eyes light up at the thought of inflicting serious harm on his rival. He begins backing into position.
Wright: Oh no, not again!
Park: This is one way to silence your detractors! This move put Anthony Caffrey on the shelf, and now look at what it’s about to do to James Raymond!
Wright: This isn’t right!
Deville places James Raymond on the apron as Kanyon backs up, readying himself for the BANG. The crowd’s booing changes as he gears up to charge, and Deville gives him the thumbs up. Someone hops the barricade and the booing quickly turns into loud cheers!
Wright: Wait-- who is that?
Park: IT’S JONNIE VALENTINE!
Valentine slides into the ring, and Kanyon goes for a clothesline, but Valentine ducks it and charges forward, driving Deville out of the ring with his Picture Perfect Dropkick! Deville goes crashing through the table!
Wright: There goes the neighborhood! Deville just went crashing through the wood there!
Park: Valentine has had enough of Team USA!
Kanyon and Valentine share a moment where they lock eyes as Kanyon looks like he’s just seen a ghost. Valentine shakes his head yeah and Kanyon immediately goes for the hammer, but Valentine stomps down on his left hand!
Wright: That’s the same hand Raymond was working on earlier!
Park: Valentine’s going to break a lot more than fingers if he gets his hands on that hammer!
Valentine grabs the hammer and holds it up as if it’s Mjölnir itself, and the fans launch into cheers as he prepares to strike Kanyon with it. He brandishes the hammer as Kanyon puts up his hands to defend himself, but the referee gets between the two of them, putting an end to the potential violence!
Wright: What-- aww, the referee’s back up! I’m sure I’m not the only one who wanted to see Valentine fully exact his revenge!
Park: And now Valentine’s getting ejected, but this crazy match is still going!
Valentine tries to yell and argue with the referee, but he’s lucky to not have gotten the New Age Killers disqualified as he’s been ejected. Kanyon treats him to a less than presidential middle finger and leans into the ropes, waving him goodbye as a tag is made.
Wright: Kanyon looks pleased with himself, and I don’t think this is over between him and Valentine!
Park: Deville’s going to want another piece of Valentine too, having just gone through the table!
James Raymond comes in from behind, grabbing Kanyon and planting him in the center of the ring with a bridging wheelbarrow high angle german suplex!
Wright: Lost Cause! Lost Cause!
Park: Raymond got the tag and Kanyon never saw it!
...ONE…
...TWO…
...THREE!
Washington: Here are your winners, earning themselves a future FIRESIDE Tag Team Championship match, Jason Long and James Raymond, the NNNNEWWWWW AGEEEE KILLLERRRSSSS!
Wright: James Raymond continues his streak against the former President! What a match!
Park: Both sides will inevitably point to the shenanigans here, but both sides had this match nearly won before the ref went down. Perhaps most importantly, the New Age Killers have garnered themselves a future tag team championship match.
Wright: That is a statement victory for them. The Vanity Killer is as dangerous as any kick on this roster, and the Lost Cause got them the three count. It’s going to be hard to stop these outsiders from staking their claim.
Park: That’s the beauty of the Open Door Policy. Any team can come through at any time.
The booing seems to have lessened as James Raymond and Jason Long -- who has a cut above his eye from the sledgehammer shot -- have their arms raised in victory. They exchange a hard fought, exhausted fist bump as they celebrate the win. The camera moves to another angle, capturing ‘Devilish’ Donny Deville laying in the remains of the broken table at ringside.
Wright: Karma came back and bit Team USA right in the ass tonight.
Park: If karma’s named Jonnie Valentine, sure-- but don’t forget Valentine snuck up on our champions and assaulted them. I’d be interested to see what they do in a match.
Wright: What has gotten into you?
Washington: Introducing first, from Hamburg, Germany, weighing in at 195 pounds, he is the #1 contender to the FIRESIDE World Championship, OTTTTTOOOOOOOO RIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTEEERRRRRRRR!
The opening riff begins to play as lights flicker off and on. We pan across the venue as the song continues. The opening words begin as we see Otto come out from the back. He walks up to the stage before pausing and surveying the venue. He walks down the ring with his hands behind his back, walking around the ring as the chaotic instrumentals blare over the speaker. He walks up the steps and onto the apron before wiping his feet and entering the holy land. He takes a step into the middle of the ring before pointing up a finger to the sky and mouthing something in German.
Wright: The German Ring General looks to weaken his opposition heading into Fuel for the Fire.
Park: You know Ritter would love nothing more than to injure Esmur before their big match.
Washington: And his partner...
Rio Grande by Mezcaleros plays over the sound system as you hear the revs of the motorcycle as you see Daku ride out of the curtain and stops his Suzuki Harley style motorcycle that's got blue and black colours with his motorcycle club, ‘The Cutting Blades’ name with a spider with knives all over it. Daku does his typical knife cut symbol with the fans booing him as he then continues to ride down to the ramp with flames coming out the side of the stage. He goes around once on his Suzuki bike before he stops it right on the right outside of the ramp and turns the engine off with placing his jacket onto it.
Washington: From Hamamatsu, Japan, he is The Knife of Motorcycles, weighing in at 245 pounds, he is DAKKKUUUU SUUUUZUUUUKIII!
Daku slides into the ring and closes his eyes to show his necklace of a knife and a motorcycle on it and does his cutthroat signal before spreading his arms. Daku then opens his eyes and takes off his necklace and drops it on the floor as Daku holds onto the ropes, eyeing up his opponent and ignoring the jeering crowd. He doesn't make eye contact with Ritter.
Wright: Someone who would love that type of injury even more though is Daku Suzuki, who's on-deck for his world championship match after Supremacy.
Park: He's a fierce combatant, but we'll see what happens because Suzuki and Ritter might not be on the same page, especially with Suzuki beating him and punching his ticket last Inferno.
The overdriven guitar and haunting vocals of Opeth’s “Reverie/Harlequin Forest” kick in, cueing the arena lights to dim until only a single spotlight remains directed on the entrance curtain.
Wright: And there's Lucas Nix, who perhaps would be the most interested in an Esmur injury, with that Combustion briefcase in tow. If Esmur goes down tonight, we could see a new world champion before the night's over.
Park: This is the first time these two will share the same space, and man, Nix is a big, big man.
Wright: A big, big man who came up short against Mistress Discipline in last Inferno's five-way for the Spark Championship contendership.
Park: It's like you want to see this table get smashed to pieces, Oliver.
Washington: And their opponents... first, from Raleigh, North Carolina, weighing in at 200 pounds, she is MISTRESSSSSSSSSS DISSSSSSSSCIPPPPLINEEEE!
"The Planets Op. 32: IV. Jupiter- Bringer of Jollity" by Gustav Holst begins to play on the arena speakers. The lights dim slightly and a spotlight appears on the stage. Mistress Discipline steps onto the stage and adjusts the high collar and neckline of her trademark blue blouse. She marches to the ring with a purpose and without glasses because she wears contacts into the ring so she can see. She rolls into the ring and adjusts her trademark hair buns. She steps into the corner and begins stretching her arms while awaiting her opponent (she will not be bending over).
Wright: Mistress Discipline got back on the right track last week with that five-way, pinning Vodka Fizz to earn a shot at becoming the inaugural SPARK Champion at Fuel for the Fire.
Park: It takes three defenses of that championship to get a shot at the world title, so tonight she might be teaming with someone she'll see on the opposite of the ring soon enough.
Wright: We'll have to see what happens with that -- in the meantime, you know that Zolothach will be watching this match with full focus, ready to take on Discipline in three weeks.
Park: And to think we get paid to watch a match like that!
Washington: Introducing first… weighing in at a combined weight of 397 pounds, they are Gebin and the FIRESIDE World Champion Esumr, you know them as the NIHILISTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Washington: And their partner, from Krakow, Poland, weighing at 291 pounds, he holds the Combustion briefcase, he is the ‘Outcast’, he is LUUUUUUCAAASSSS NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXXX!
Into the trees
Past meadow grounds
And further away from my home
Baying behind me
I hear the hounds
Flock's chasing to find me alone
The overdriven guitar and haunting vocals of Opeth’s “Reverie/Harlequin Forest” kick in, cueing the arena lights to dim until only a single spotlight remains directed on the entrance curtain.
The imposing figure of Lucas Nix steps out into the light, his enormous frame clad in leather and fur, giving him the appearance of a menacing Gothic giant. He slowly makes his way down the aisle, his face twisted into a derisive sneer that leaves no doubt that this is a man full of rage and hate.
A trail of sickness
Leading to me
If I am haunted
Then you will see
Nix climbs the steps to the ring as the music tells a tale eerily similar to his own. He stands alone as he always has done, looking out upon a world that he feels has turned its back on him; he pauses as he lets his anger swell, his sneer giving way to a look of cruel determination, then steps silently over the top rope, ready to release his fury on his opponent.
Wright: And there's Lucas Nix, who perhaps would be the most interested in an Esmur injury, with that Combustion briefcase in tow. If Esmur goes down tonight, we could see a new world champion before the night's over.
Park: This is the first time these two will share the same space, and man, Nix is a big, big man.
Wright: A big, big man who came up short against Mistress Discipline in last Inferno's five-way for the Spark Championship contendership.
Park: It's like you want to see this table get smashed to pieces, Oliver.
Washington: And their opponents... first, from Raleigh, North Carolina, weighing in at 200 pounds, she is MISTRESSSSSSSSSS DISSSSSSSSCIPPPPLINEEEE!
"The Planets Op. 32: IV. Jupiter- Bringer of Jollity" by Gustav Holst begins to play on the arena speakers. The lights dim slightly and a spotlight appears on the stage. Mistress Discipline steps onto the stage and adjusts the high collar and neckline of her trademark blue blouse. She marches to the ring with a purpose and without glasses because she wears contacts into the ring so she can see. She rolls into the ring and adjusts her trademark hair buns. She steps into the corner and begins stretching her arms while awaiting her opponent (she will not be bending over).
Wright: Mistress Discipline got back on the right track last week with that five-way, pinning Vodka Fizz to earn a shot at becoming the inaugural SPARK Champion at Fuel for the Fire.
Park: It takes three defenses of that championship to get a shot at the world title, so tonight she might be teaming with someone she'll see on the opposite of the ring soon enough.
Wright: We'll have to see what happens with that -- in the meantime, you know that Zolothach will be watching this match with full focus, ready to take on Discipline in three weeks.
Park: And to think we get paid to watch a match like that!
Washington: Introducing first… weighing in at a combined weight of 397 pounds, they are Gebin and the FIRESIDE World Champion Esumr, you know them as the NIHILISTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
The arena dims down to pitch blackness. Two male voices are heard saying, “EMBRACE … ETERNITY”.
The new video package for the reborn Nihilists plays on the XtremeTron. "Saviour of Nothing" by Disturbed begins to play and a single light brown spotlight illuminates the stage. On the stage stands Gebin, hair flowing, wearing his light up Covid Mask and illuminated battle gloves. He raises his hands and the columns of LED light illuminate the stage in purple. Stepping into the brown spotlight walks Esmur complete with his luchador mask. He steps up and stares into the ring before looking out at the Fireside faithful. He is wearing a robe that is adorned with religious iconography from pretty much every religion, the symbols are all drawn on fire for emphasis. He pulls his robe off into his arms and tosses it at his feet as a column of red light illuminates it. This reveals his Fireside World Championship which he pats as he begins to move.
Wright: The crowd's giving Esmur and Gebin a loud reception, but Esmur has to feel like he's walking into a potential disaster tonight.
Park: Stealer's Wheel sung about clowns to the left of you, and jokers to the right -- here it's contenders as far as the eye can see. All of his opponents, and potentially his tag team partner in Discipline, are all ready to stake their claim.
Wright: It's lonely at the top, UnJoo. Unless you're Esmur, in which case you've got your right hand man in Gebin.
Finally, he pulls off his mask revealing his face and his trim brown hair and goatee. Gebin follows him and catches the mask as he tosses it. The two men mean business as they quickly walk to the ring and slide under the bottom rope. The push to their feet and step to the center of the ring as the spotlight turns slowly follows them to the ring. The two men remain back to back facing the two sides of the crowd left and right of the entryway. The song and lights fade back to normal as Esmur hands the timekeeper his Fireside World Championship belt and the men get ready to wrestle.
Wright: Here we go, looks like we have Gebin of the Nihilists and the FIRESIDE #1 contender, Otto Ritter, starting this match.
Park: Let’s see if Gebin can inflict some punishment on his partner’s challenger.
The bell rings and the match is on with “Das Blitzkind” and the Nihilist circling up, looking or an opportunity to get in any kind of an opening strike. Eventually Otto Ritter stops the circling and offers a hand for a test of strength, which Gebin obliges only to get flipped head over heels courtesy of a cheeky monkey flip! Gebin smacks down on the apron and makes it back up to his feet but quickly finds himself eating repeated european uppercuts. Ritter takes Gebin’s arm and traps it in an armbar before looking over to his one-time associates, dragging Gebin along with him back into his corner.
Wright: Otto Ritter looking to beat his beliefs about wrestling into Gebin early, now looking for a tag.
Park: Maybe we’ll see some unity on the side of the challengers tonight?
Never one to resist the urge to beat upon a weakened man, Lucas Nix decides to slap Ritter’s shoulder and tag himself into the match. Ritter backs Gebin into a corner which leaves him wide open for a devastating big boot that can be felt throughout the ring! Gebin crumples into a heap and Nix takes the time to step on his head a few times to add to the punishment before finally going down to his knees for a cover.
...ONE…
...T-Kickout!
Wright: Lucas Nix just manhandling Gebin here.
Park: It’s not been a great start for Gebin, that’s for sure. He definitely needs some kind of offense to get into his corner.
Lucas Nix lifts up Gebin and wraps a hand around his throat. He goes to lift Gebin up for the chokeslam, but Gebin manages to find himself on top of Nix’s shoulders instead! Nix holds him up in a powerbomb position as Gebin tries to flip him for a hurricanrana, but Nix won’t go! Gebin fires off lefts and rights to stumble the big man, and finally manages to soften him up enough to get him to at least release the powerbomb. With Nix down on his knees, Gebin goes up for a sunset flip, but the big man instead launches him into the ropes!
Wright: The power of Lucas Nix!
Park: Check out that airtime! Not what you want if you’re Gebin!
A frustrated Lucas Nix has no time to continue his assault as Daku Suzuki tags himself into the match by smacking his back. The two men share glares before Suzuki goes for a cover.
...ONE…
...TW-Kickout!
Daku Suzuki pulls up Gebin and teases him by looking like he’s going to whip Gebin towards Esmur and Mistress Discipline’s outstretched hands before instead lifting him up for a shoulderbreaker. The crowd cheers for Gebin as he manages to wiggle himself out the back and deliver a springboard kick to buy himself some time as both men go down! Gebin realizes this is his chance and begins crawling towards his corner!
Wright: Can Gebin get to the corner and get the tag?
Park: Daku’s going to be kicking himself if he blows the early advantage for his team!
Suzuki gets back up but his smile quickly turns into a look of strong disapproval as Gebin has dove across the ring to strike the hand of… Mistress Discipline! Discipline comes in like a house of fire, slapping Suzuki senseless with repeated strikes of her hand. She sets him up for an old school piledriver, but the motorcycle specialist has none of it, pulling himself out of her grasp. He delivers a hard throat thrust to break up her momentum before grabbing her from behind and sending her shoulder first into the ringpost.
Wright: Discipline came in ready to go, but Suzuki was there to stop her!
Park: That kind of ringpost action can separate and sprain a shoulder!
Suzuki keeps up the aggression by climbing the top rope and stepping on Discipline’s shoulder while she’s still against the ringpost! The referee counts!
...ONE…
...TWO…
...THREE…
...FOUR…
Daku Suzuki finally lets go, landing on the outside!
Wright: That looked painful!
Park: Suzuki’s the type of guy who will do whatever it takes to pick up a win, you shouldn’t be surprised.
Suzuki takes a trip around the ring, taking his sweet time getting back inside. He spots Esmur and the future challenger and the champion have words. Suzuki responds to Esmur’s calls to action by ripping him off the apron, and Esmur’s head smacks the apron upon landing!
Wright: Hey! You can’t do that!
Park: Esmur should have kept his mouth shut!
Wright: Daku started it!
Suzuki holds his arm up for the crowd to bask in his greatness. The crowd responds by loudly booing him, which doesn’t amuse him all too much. He gets back into the ring and continues to work Discipline’s shoulder, this time successfully hitting the shoulderbreaker to full effect. The crowd boos as he looks to work her neck and shoulders further by locking her into a butterfly prison lock.
Wright: You know this hold better than I do, UnJoo!
Park: It’s a butterfly prison lock, and the way Daku has it locked in, there may be no escape.
Wright: We are seeing some absolute dominance from the challenging team tonight.
Park: They’re challengers, and certainly not a team. They just are all hungry to send a message to Esmur and inflict punishment on any possible allies.
Mistress Discipline stomps the mat in frustration as she looks for her way out of the hold. Referee Chris Mardinly begins asking her if she wants to submit but she just shakes her head no in a continuous motion. Suzuki wrenches on the hold further as she realizes the way out is to get back to a standing motion. The crowd begin cheering for her as the stomps become finding her footing and she rises back to her feet. She strikes Suzuki’s gut once, then again, before Suzuki breaks the hold preemptively to try to club her back down to her feet, but Discipline rings his bell with the Final Bell!
Wright: Final Bell! Mistress got him!
Park: This could be it!
...ONE…
...TW-
Otto Ritter makes the save with a falling uppercut!
Wright: Ritter rejects that motion!
Park: This might be about to break down!
Discipline gets up to look at her attacker, but walks straight into a running knee strike that transitions into an axe kick!
Wright: Donnerndes Dröhnen der Bombardierung!
Park: I don’t know what that means, but I know that it looked like it hurt!
Ritter stands over Discipline only to be met a running claymore kick from Gebin!
Wright: Lights Out from Gebin!
Park: Ritter doesn’t know what hit him!
Gebin barely gets back to his feet before being forcibly spun around and slammed hard with a black hole slam!
Wright: Downfall!
Park: We’re seeing everyone break each other in half, but we haven’t seen any action from the champion!
Nix points at Esmur and demands that he get in the ring, and slowly but surely, the crowd begins to come unglued as Esmur parts the ropes and steps inside the ring. Just as the two men are about to lock up, however, referee Chris Mardinly intervenes, strongly encouraging Nix to leave the ring or otherwise be disqualified. Nix’s intimidating glare buys him a few seconds to get out of the ring, but he decides to take Mistress with him! He grab her by the hair and pulls her out of the ring with it, heading for the announce table!
Wright: No! Stay away from us here!
Park: Nix has a handful of Disciplne’s hair and is nearly ripping it out of her damn head!
Nix grabs Discipline and wraps a hand around her throat, not even bothering to remove the table coverings. He lifts her up for the slam, but finds himself going over the table, courtesy of a running Clarity from Esmur!
Wright: The champ makes the save!
Park: Right in time, too! Our table might survive an Inferno!
Referee Chris Mardinly’s count continues to climb, forcing Discipline back into the ring without much of a moment to recover! Daku catches her before she can even get back into the ring and looks to plant her with a spike DDT, but Discipline wrestles her way out of the hold, only to get caught in an Iron Claw slam!
Wright: Throttle Cutter Slam!
Park: Daku Suzuki shows that cunning of his and might be on his way to a three count right here!
Before Suzuki can cover Discipline, Otto Ritter tags himself in! Daku Suzuki is not amused by the contender cutting in front of him!
Wright: Ritter gets ahead of Suzuki once again!
Park: He doesn’t seem too happy about that!
There is a communication breakdown as Ritter speaks in his native German, essentially shooing Suzuki out of the ring. Suzuki does not stand for being belittled and decides to leave the ring… and the apron… and get on his motorcycle! He revs the engine as Ritter comes to understand that Daku Suzuki is leaving the match!
Wright: What’s he doing?
Park: Suzuki’s had enough and he’s headed for the exit!
Wright: But there’s a match still going on!
Park: This is smart by him! It’s not a title match, he’s already earned his shot at the world champion! If anything, maybe his two potential opponents will tear each other apart!
The crowd boos Suzuki leaving and a distracted Ritter misses the tag as Esmur finds himself in this match. The camera pans to Nix, who is profusely bleeding from the nose, but he shoves down Dr. Lagari and heads back towards the ring.
Wright: Whoah! Look at the big man’s nose!
Park: That’s got to be a broken nose -- no wonder he wants to get his hands on Esmur!
Wright: That doesn’t justify shoving down an official though!
Ritter looks for the running knee strike but gets met with a springboard roundhouse for his troubles! Before Ritter can even make another move, he finds himself locked in Esmur’s version of the Koji Clutch!
Wright: Sensory Deprivation!
Park: Ritter might find himself passing out in this hold if he’s not careful, but he’s trapped in the center of the ring!
Lucas Nix hits the ring to make the save, only to have his massive size used against him with a drop toe hold from Discipline! She locks the still very bloody Nix in her Koji Clutch!
Wright: The Detention!
Park: Esmur and Discipline have mutual submissions applied in the center of the ring, and there’s no Suzuki in sight!
Ritter looks for his way out of the hold but is deeply struggling to find the ropes! He reaches out to grab the rope, but can’t do it! He moves back with his foot, but his feet aren’t anywhere near the ropes! He reaches out one more time… and then his arm completely drops! His eyes decide to stop working as he hunches forward, and the referee calls for the bell!
Washington: Ladies and gentlemen, your winners by stoppage, Mistress Discipline, Gebin, and EEEEEEESSSSSSMMMMUUUUUUUURRR!
Wright: Otto Ritter is on dream street three weeks away from his big world championship match against the man who relocated him there!
Park: I bet he wishes he didn’t piss off Suzuki now!
Discipline and Esmur release their holds. Gebin comes back into the ring to celebrate the pair as the referee raises their arms. Esmur is handed his world championship, which Discipline eyes as he wraps it around his shoulder.
Wright: Could this be a preview of things to come, with Discipline gunning for Esmur’s FIRESIDE World Championship?
Park: Maybe so, but not if Zolothach, Otto Ritter himself, Daku Suzuki, or Lucas Nix have anything to say about it!
Dr. Lagari slides back into the ring with bandages and rags, doing his best to clean up Nix.
Wright: Esmur might have shattered Nix’s nose!
Park: I wish him best of luck in his recovery, that looks nasty.
Wright: Yes, but certainly a way to keep his nose out of Esmur’s business at Fuel for the Fire!
Washington: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is your Main Event! This three team match will be fought under Tornado Rules, with no disqualifications! Whichever teams wins will go on to fight Team USA, the Unique Stud Alliance, ‘Devilish’ Donny Deville and President Curtis Kanyon at Fuel for the Fire!
Wright: Big stakes for this contest here. All three teams have already qualified for future tag team matches, but only one can fight the champs at Fuel for the Fire.
Park: This should be a human car crash of a match, and I’m excited for it!
Washington: Please welcome, Greg the Assistant!
Jonnie Valentine’s personal assistant now gets his own pop. He takes a second to soak it in before waving to the camera and getting going.
Greg the Assistant takes the house microphone from Marcus Washington. He speaks with his deep announcer voice.
Greg the Assistant: Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to Fireside Thursday Night Inferno! Regardless of its place on the card, this is Your Main Event Of The Evening. It is scheduled for One Fall! Your referee argues with women in Twitter replies because it's the only way he can lash out at his crippling fear of rejection.
Referee Chris Mardinly starts jawing with Greg. Something about Rose in Star Wars while Greg ignores him.
Wright: It has not been a good night for Mardinly---
Park: Man, his Star Wars opinions are brutal!
Greg The Assistant: Introducing first, Jonnie Valentine's personal poet, Lanny Poffo!
The audience gives Lanny Poffo the pop of the night! Poffo courtesies and takes the microphone. He reads his poem off of an index card taped to the back of a frisbee.
Lanny Poffo: Imagine being there
For the debut of the best team in the biz
Well dream no more, because you're here
For Jonnie and The Fizz
This will be a historic night
So save your ticket, but I must digress
With no further ado let's discuss the men
Who oppose The Hot Tag Express
Lord Dominicus is a baddie
But to fans he is a bore
That's why he switched it up
And teamed with an inflated dinosaur
Then we have Johnny 5
And the insufferable Misha Constantine
He says those lines outside are for him
But clearly they're for the vaccine
So that leaves it to the Hot Tag Express
Who have the skill and the desire
They will be the winners and face
The champs at Fuel For The Fire!
The Philadelphia fans cheer and Lanny spins the frisbee out into the audience.
Wright: They call themselves the Hot Tag Express, but man Jonnie and the Fizz is a great name too!
Park: I’ll admit I am also a sucker for Poffo’s poetry corner there.
Then "What's Going On" by 4 Non Blondes plays and the crowd jumps to their feet. "MDMHey" Jonnie Valentine and Vodka Fizz run drives out on stage in a golf cart retrofitted with huge speakers that are playing the 4 Non Blondes. Vodka Fizz is dressed in a full-length white fur coat, white shutter glasses, and anover-the-top white top hat. Jonnie is dressed in a teal satin jacket with "MDMHey" written in cursive on the back. They drives the golf cart down the ramp, as Vodka Fizz toasts fans with a yard-long cocktail flask hung around his neck full of some florescent liquid he drinks from as he drives down the ramp. When they get to ringside, Jonnie gets out and does a full 360 around ringside, slapping all the fans hands. Vodka Fizz drapes the fur coat over the seat of the golf cart and removes the top hat, keeping the shades on. he climbs up on the apron, turning to face the crowd and chugging the remnants of his large drink, finally striking a pose and spraying a mouthful of whatever it is up into the air and letting it rain over him. He grins and winks at the camera, Jonnie gets on the apron and leads the fans in a singalong for the chorus.
Audience (waving their arms from side to side): And I said, Heyyyy
Heyyyyyy
I said Hey, what's going on?
And I said, Heyyyy
Heyyyyyy
I said Hey, what's going on?
The crowd cheers and then Jonnie Valentine vaults into the ring, and does the double guns. Vodka Fizz rolls backwards over the ropes into the ring.
Greg the Assistant: First, hailing from The City Where Your Mother Lost Her Virginity At Spring Break, Daytona Beach, Florida; He Stands 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 220; He's Not Sloppy Drunk, He's Whisky Neat; The Man Who Sent John Mulaney To Rehab; Fresh Off Of His Legal Victory From Suing Party City For Gimmick Infringement, He Is Shaken Not Stirred...He Is VODKA FIZZ!!
Philadelphia cheers wildly while Vodka Fizz pumps them up.
Wright: Vodka Fizz has been one of the hardest fighters in FIRESIDE, but on the wrong end of the stick more than a few times! Can tonight be his night to turn it all around?
Park: If he can last longer than this entrance, maybe so!
Greg The Assistant: And from The Home of Gary Oldman, Palm Springs, California; He stands 5 feet 10 inches tall, and weighs 234 pounds; He is the former SWAT World Heavyweight Champion, He's Kind Of A Big Deal, He Is Sexy When He Feels Like It, He Is Wrestling's Most Hated Babyface...'MDMHey" JONNIE VALENTINE!!! Together They Are THE HOT TAG EXPRESS!!!
Fireside fans let out a loud pop as The Hot Tag Express bathe in their love.
Wright: Jonnie Valentine earlier tonight decided to wake up and choose violence, going for payback against the Unique Stud Alliance!
Park: You mean attacking Deville and Kanyon! He sent poor Deville through a table there!
Wright: He stopped them from assaulting Raymond just like they assaulted him a few weeks ago. This team is making their debut tonight, but have already qualified for a shot as Caffrey punished Team USA by granting them the opportunity.
Park: And that’s why he’s at home recovering and Marcus is going to be in charge!
Washington: And their opponents… first, weighing a combined 400 pounds, from New York, New York, they are Misha Constantine and Johnny Five, FIIIIVEEE AND DIIIIIIIVIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNEEEEE!
The lights cut out and an ominous drumbeat begins to pound. As it crescendos, pyro erupts and a spotlight hits on Misha Contantine and Johnny Five, as a mash up of 'I Got 5 On It' and 'In The Name Of God' hits the speakers.
I got 5 on it!!!
Flames!!!
In the age of Hell!!!
In the age of fire!!!
They head down the ramp, Five gleefully flexing and jawing with fans, as Misha is laser focused on the ring
Grab your 40, let's get keyed!!!
War!!!
In the name of God!!!
In the holy empire!!!
Both men slide into the ring, Johnny posing on the turnbuckles as Misha kips up in the center of the ring, ignoring the audience studiously.
Wright: The former FIRESIDE World Champion and his rookie bodyguard Johnny Five had one of the hardest paths here, pinning the New Age Killers to advance to tonight’s match.
Park: Misha said about the Hot Tag Express that sympathy for the undeserving only leads to tragedy for oneself. Is he feeling slighted by their presence in this match?
Wright: Maybe so, and an extra motivated Misha is a bad sign for everyone else involved.
Washington: And their opponents… weighing a combined 500 pounds, they are the team of Dinosaur Bones and Lord Dominicus, the HOOOOUSEEEEEEEEEEEE OF LOOOOOOOOORRDSSS!
“Bear Song” by Green Jello, an aggressive metal song, begins to play over the arena speakers. Oliver Wright keeps sturdy, fully prepared for the big screaming AH that comes in Dinosaur Bones’ entrances.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wright: It didn’t get me this time!
Park: Good! Now just do that every week.
The song changes to “Walk the Dinosaur” by George Clinton as Lord Dominicus emerges from the back, riding his noble gigantic partner down the ramp to cheers from the crowd. Dinosaur Bones moves with an impressive speed for literally carrying a man as if he were a toddler, getting down to the ring in short order. Dominicus dismounts and the two exchange last-minute strategy, with Dinosaur Bones deciding to start.
Wright: The NPW North American Cruiserweight Champion and Dinosaur Bones had to get through our world champion and his partner to get here, and now they’re one step away from adding more gold to Bad to the Bone!
Park: This should be a chaotic match! Here we go!
The bell rings and the three teams don’t even remotely try to contest a standard wrestling match as every man exits and works on acquiring weapons, much to the approval of the rocking crowd. Valentine and Fizz have moved towards the golf cart they rode in on for the weapons stored on it, and Bones and Dominicus have flipped up one of the sides of the apron. A corgi runs out and runs up the ramp!
Wright: What in the world?
Park: I guess that’s a weapon that won’t be used tonight!
Dominicus and Bones exchange a mutual look of displeasure before picking up a crowbar and a stop sign respectively. They both share a look of confusion about the stop sign being under a professional wrestling ring before deciding against thinking too hard about it. What also stops their line of questioning is a steel chair that drills Dominicus in the side of the head, courtesy of Misha Constantine. Before Bones can mount much of a defense, Misha throws another at him as well, knocking down both members of the House of Lords!
Wright: Misha’s on the warpath early!
Park: I would give up my seat to Johnny Five too!
It becomes clear that Johnny Five is literally bullying members of the FIRESIDE crowd out of their seats to acquire these chairs. It almost becomes an assembly line as Misha just keeps trying to lay chair after chair into his opponents. Valentine and Fizz have given these two a wide berth to work, unwilling to get brained by the steel structures. They pop open glass bottles of beer and have themselves a drink by the cart.
Wright: That’s a grand total of eight chairs!
Park: Well thanks for coming, House of Lords! Yikes!
With the chairs fully out of the way, Jonnie Valentine and Vodka Fizz move in with their now empty glass bottles, avoiding another incoming chair and throwing their bottles at Misha. Valentine’s bottle just barely sails over him, but Fizz’s bottle strikes him right at the shoulder, shattering on impact and immediately opening him up. He begins to bleed as he falls to the ground.
Wright: Clean up on aisle five! Watch your feet on the broken glass!
Park: That glass immediately cut up Misha! That’s not good for him at all!
Misha grabs at his shoulder while Johnny Five quickly realizes he has entered into a one-on-two situation. He arms himself with the first weapon he can find, which in this case happens to be the ring bell, but Vodka Fizz manages to deflect the potential blow by using the stop sign he stole off of Dinosaur Bones like a shield! Jonnie Valentine looks to make short work of Five and charges, leaping up for the Picture Perfect Dropkick, but Five dodges out of the way, causing Valentine to go crashing through a section of the barricade!
Wright: Whoah! Valentine lands hard on the outside as his dropkick misses the mark!
Park: Broken glass, broken barricades, and this match has only just started!
Johnny Five takes advantage of a distracted Vodka Fizz to look under the apron. He spots a a kendo stick and grabs it to defend himself, lighting up Fizz! Fizz does a full 180 before falling down to the floor, and Five then goes to town with the stick, swinging shot after shot into his back!
Wright: Five giving Fizz a shellacking with that kendo stick!
Park: He’s incredible!
Five’s reign of terror comes to an abrupt end as his kendo stick breaks over the back of Vodka Fizz. He throws the splintered stick to the side and looks to grab Fizz, but finds himself immediately caught in the grasp of Lord Dominicus! Dominicus looks to run up the side of the barricade and hit a version of the Demon’s Invert, but Five frees himself by sending Dominicus into the waiting arms of Constantine! Constantine runs up the steps to begin the DeityDT, but Dominicus shoves him forward, bouncing his head off the ringpost!
Wright: Lord Dominicus may have just knocked Misha silly there!
Park: No DeityDT for Misha tonight! Five might have to break out the smelling salts!
Before Domincus can do much celebrating, though, Johnny Five finishes the job, scooping up NPW’s champion and slamming him into the steel steps with a spinebuster!
Wright: Ow! A devastating spinebuster!
Park: At the rate these teams are going, there might not be a pair left to challenge Team USA in three weeks!
The man gearing up to stop Johnny Five is no man, but a monster: Dinosaur Bones has somehow managed to sneak up behind Five despite being a ginormous creature. Bones taps Five on the shoulder and Five spins around. Johnny’s eyes immediately light up at the idea of suplexing a dinosaur, and he tries to wrap his arms around Dinosaur Bones for a german suplex, but Bones bites him! Red streamers shoot out of Bones’ mouth as Johnny goes down on the outside!
Wright: Dinosaur Bones doesn’t seem to need weapons; he is a weapon all on his own!
Park: I’m not sure if his tail would pass through airport security, but I agree with you!
For the first time in this match, someone spends longer than five seconds in the ring as Johnny Five is sent back inside. Dinosaur Bones hooks one of his legs and pins him!
...ONE…
...TWO…
...Five kicks out!
Dinosaur Bones shakes his head and looks to build on his momentum, waiting for Five to make it back up to his feet. Five does so, but is quickly knocked back to the matt as Bones is jumping up and down to tremor and shake the ring. This jumping continues until Bones spots Jonnie Valentine coming in with a crowbar to stop him, but Bones manages to swing his tail around and knock Valentine over. Vodka Fizz ducks a swinging tail and bounces off the ropes for his handspring stunner known as Uno Mas, but Bones strikes him down with the +1 Air Fist out of nowhere!
Wright: Whoah! Bones just hyperextended his arm to smack Fizz out of the sky!
Park: I’ve never seen that before! Maybe he’s got more reach than we originally thought!
Misha Constantine looks to jump Bones, but as he looks to do so, he’s pulled off the apron and to the floor by a returning Jonnie Valentine. Valentine takes a few seconds to jaw at Misha, only to have his attack on Bones intercepted by a flying clothesline from Dominicus! The House of Lords take their moment to celebrate, but the former world champion reenters the ring as well!
Wright: All six competitors have torn each other apart at rapid speeds in the name of being first in line for the title shot!
Park: That’s how much those tag team championships mean to each team!
Misha prepares to move in for an attack but suddenly, Lord Dominicus conjures a whistle from seemingly out of nowhere. All six men are standing in the ring as Dominicus blows the whistle! The noise is deeply unpleasant, but not as unpleasant at the thought of being hit by Dinosaur Bones’ spinning tail! Bones begins to slowly spin, and the rest of the participants in the match, including Dominicus himself, realize it’s time for some exercise!
Wright: It’s gym class during this FIRESIDE main event! Who can leap the highest?
Park: Oh God, what a way to find out if you have hops or not!
The first casualty at the lower possible height is none other than Johnny Five, who gets smacked in the shins by Bones’ tail and goes down. As Bones moves through the crew, he begins to go faster and elevate himself more. Misha Constantine displays his aerial abilities by easily clearing the tail, then his brilliance by dodging his way into the turnbuckles while Bones continues to spin himself out. Vodka Fizz is not so lucky, and Dominicus also gets knocked over! Both men fall out of the ring after the impact!
Wright: Dinosaur Bones is an unstoppable force right now!
Park: I’m sure his tag team partner wishes he had some level of self control!
The last one standing in this game of jumping the tail is Jonnie Valentine, who is living up the opportunity to show off to the fans how high he can get. It takes a chest-level tail shot for Valentine to not only duck under Bones, but then quickly catch him for a legendary inside cradle!
Wright: Inside cradle! This move has won Valentine many matches and championships!
Park: Did he get him?!
...ONE…
...TWO…
...Johnny Five makes the save!
Wright: Five saves the moment for himself and Misha!
Park: These guys have to run out of stamina eventually!
Five is still down by the ropes and stuck in a crawling position, leaving Misha enough of a platform to launch himself over the ropes, crashing down on Lord Dominicus with a shooting star senton!
Wright: Irae Dei! Fizz managed to get himself out of the way, but Dominicus took the full blast of that finishing move!
Park: How is Misha still going?
Misha rolls back to his feet and grabs one of the chairs from earlier, sliding it back into the ring. Bones moves forward to stop him from advancing, but Misha is too quick, striking into his gut with the steel chair. Bones goes down into an immediate heap and Misha gets a devilish look in his eyes, moving him into the corner. He places the chair in front of Bones’ face and ascends an opposing turnbuckle, preparing himself to make the leap.
Wright: No… where’s he going… he’s not about to leap across the ring, is he?
Park: We’re about to Chase the Devil, courtesy of the Self Made God!
Misha Constantine leaps forward with a somersault kick, only to be met by JONNIE VALENTINE’S PICTURE PERFECT DROPKICK IN MID-AIR! CONSTANTINE IS KNOCKED TO THE FLOOR AS THE CROWD ROARS WITH ‘HOLY SHIT’ CHANTS!
Wright: CHASE THE-- PICTURE PERFECT DROPKICK! WOW!
Park: Misha just got kicked into three Thursdays from now! What a hell of a leap from both men, but Valentine cut him off dead in his tracks!
Valentine makes it back to his feet and soaks in the loud cheers of the crowd celebrating the impressive manuever. Constantine is down on the outside and not moving. Valentine doesn’t celebrate for too much longer as he kicks the chair away from Bones and reaches into his tights for something. He pulls it out, and thankfully he pulls out something we can describe on camera.
Wright: What was he packing?
Park: It’s… it’s a fork!
Valentine waves around the fork, showing it off before getting ready to stab Dinosaur Bones with it. He moves closer and Five interrupts, causing Valentine to swat at him! Five quickly identifies the eating utensil and doesn’t want to get stabbed by something he could find at the kitchen table, so he takes the chair and pulls a Misha, throwing it at Valentine! Valentine is knocked backwards and Five lifts him up for the Burning Hammer, but Fizz frees his partner by connecting with the Uno Mas!
Wright: Uno Mas! Nice teamwork from the pair as Fizz saves his longtime wrestling idol!
Park: It’s a match made in Party City!
The two men work in unison to throw Johnny Five out of the ring. Dinosaur Bones has other plans then to be the victim of the pair, charging forward, but the two men stop him with unison gut kicks and then manage to get the heavyweight up and down with a tandem suplex! Vodka Fizz begins looking for the Mind Eraser, ready to put Bones away!
Wright: Can Fizz finally do it?
Park: He’s so close!
As he’s about to put Bones away, Lord Dominicus hops back on the apron and tries to get back in the ring, but Valentine stabs his body with the fork, instantly drawing blood! Dominicus falls to the floor as Vodka Fizz delivers the inverted double underhook facebuster!
Wright: Mind Eraser! Mind Eraser!
Park: Are Fizz and Valentine going to Fuel for the Fire? Here’s the cover!
...ONE…
...TWO…
...THREE!
Washington: Here is your winner, fighting Team USA for the FIRESIDE Tag Team Championships at Fuel for the Fire, Jonnie Valentine and Vodka Fizz, the HOOOOOTTT TAAAAAAAAAGGG EXPRESSSSSSSSSSSS!
Wright: Yes! Fizz and Valentine get it done!
Park: Oh man, that had to have been the worst team to have won it if you’re Kanyon and Deville!
Wright: They’ll get their hands on each other soon enough! Fuel for the Fire is in three weeks, ladies and gentlemen! Set your calendars for March 25th! My name is Oliver Wright, that’s UnJoo Park, thanks for watching!
A somehow bloody Jonnie Valentine and an elated Vodka Fizz celebrate together and mime tag team championship gold around their waists as the show goes off the air.