Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Mar 22, 2017 10:08:51 GMT -5
*We open once again in the dark room with a white screen. Soon Nelly Angel, XHF Interviewer and Media Extraordinaire, walks in front of the screen and begins to speak into the camera.*
Nelly: In the summer of 2010, during a heated rivalry that was escalating to hilarious heights, I suddenly disappeared from the face of the wrestling world.
*On the screen behind Nelly is a picture of him, then a question mark spirals onto the image.*
Nelly: Where did I go, and what happened to bring me back? These were questions that have lingered ever since then and have continued now with the launch of the XHF Network. The answer is….I was kidnapped!
*The image changes to video of several large men in black hauling a potato sack; the contents of which seem to be moving!*
Nelly: Although the kidnapping is still under investigation, I have my suspicions on who was the mastermind behind it. But that’s not our focus today. You see, several days later, my brother, Randy Angel-
*The kidnap footage changes to an image of a drunken Randy Angel passed out in the middle of a table in what appears to be a sushi restaurant while people are fleeing the scene in terror for unknown reasons. There’s a label on the photo, it says, “STOCK PHOTO.”*
Nelly: -woke up from another bender only to realize I hadn’t been home in days. He eventually found me just in time, as the building I was being held in was due for destruction on that very day.
*The stock photo switches to a still of Randy helping a beaten and tired Nelly from an old building as it explodes in the background.*
Nelly: The incident awoke something inside of Randy. Something deep down that he hadn’t felt in many years.
*The image zooms in on Randy’s face, an awakening written across it (figuratively speaking).*
Nelly: Today we pull back the curtain once again and look into the….The XHF Dark Ages!
*Nelly backs up and the camera begins to zoom in on the image screen, which now shows the door opening inside of the shared apartment of Dos Angeles (Nelly and Randy…also a large clown man but we don’t talk about that in the XHF). Nelly’s voice comes over to narrate one last time.*
Nelly: I was released from the hospital a few days after I was found. Randy brought me home- well, I drove; for obvious reasons. But you know what I mean…
*We’re now inside the video via the magic of sweet editing and the audio picks up as Nelly and Randy walk into the apartment.*
Randy: Nell, I am so sorry.
Nelly: Dude, calm down, it wasn’t your fault. How was I supposed to know I’d end up kidnapped and trapped in an abandoned building due for being blown up. –Which by the way is really weird, why would the local government not implode or simply knock it down? I mean-
*Randy silences his brother by placing a hand on his shoulder.*
Randy: No, this was my fault. I couldn’t protect you. What kind of terrible big brother am I if I can’t even keep you safe?
*Nelly pushes Randy’s hand away.*
Nelly: What are you talking about? It was a freak kidnapping.
Randy: A frea…see, this is the problem; you’re too naïve. People don’t just get kidnapped randomly.
Nelly: Um, yeah they do. Isn’t that what all the crime dramas are about?
Randy: I need to be able to protect you, not just mooch off of your success. And that starts right now!
*Randy walks into the kitchen area right by the door, grabs a bottle of clear liquid and drops it into the garbage. Nelly is shocked.*
Nelly: You’re quitting drinking?!
Randy: Whoa there cowboy, baby steps. Vodka is gross and doesn’t Popeye me very well.
Nelly: What?
Randy: Nell, I’ve been drinking for years. If alcohol were Popeye, I’d be spinach.
Nelly: That…that doesn’t make any sense.
Randy: Well, I’m still four sheets to the wind, lemme go down a sheet and then we’ll try again.
*Randy walks back into the kitchen area and comes out with a bottle of cheap whiskey. He takes a slug of it.*
Randy: As I was saying, I’m gonna protect you from now on, I swear.
*The camera fades out as Randy pounds hard liquor in front of his confused brother.*
*The camera opens as the rockin’ awesome guitar of Lit’s “My Own Worst Enemy” blasts. We see early morning light coming into a filthy room covered in bottles, cans, socks, a blow up doll, what might be a large animal that is hopefully just sleeping, suits strewn abou…anyway it’s really gross. A sleepy hand falls down on an alarm clock (we can’t hear anything because the music is all-encompassing).*
*The camera cuts to Randy Angel in the kitchen; he pours a glass full of brown liquor, and then adds in a couple raw eggs on top. He looks nervously at the glass, then raises it up as though giving a toast and knocks it back.*
*He immediately retches…through the entire chorus.*
*We cut to a very surprising scene. Randy appears to be at the gym. We can see him from the waist up and he looks into the distance like weightlifters do when they’re concentrating in movies and television shows. He lifts up his left arm, which holds a dumbbell. Then he lowers it. He then lifts up his right arm, which holds a flask, he drinks from it.*
*The camera switches to the brothers Angel working out in a dusty ring (looks like Kongo’s Gym). There are a lot of quick cuts as they go through stretches, crutches, pull-ups, push-ups etc. Suddenly the music cuts as we see an exhausted Randy leaning into a turnbuckle chest-first, sobbing (which is now audible).*
Randy: Hh…hh…uh…Nell, I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I just can’t do it anymore. Just give me the gun and we’ll end it now.
Nelly: *Off-camera* If that’s how you’re gonna be, fine.
*Randy is handed a hand gun. In very dramatic fashion he turns around and looks at the gun. Falling back into the turnbuckle for support, a defeated Randy raises the gun to his mouth.*
Randy: No…no more….
*He pulls the trigger! And liquid squirts into his mouth! He seems very refreshed as life returns to him and he regains his strength. Randy cradles the gun with love.*
Randy: Oh alcohol squirt gun, you understand me. Only you really know me.
*He rubs the gun on his face as the music blasts back.*
*We see a lot of quick cuts of Nelly and Randy training. There’s car-chasing, bench-pressing, high flying (and falling), wrestling holds, the whole works.*
*As the music fades out the camera slowly pans from the ceiling down onto a new, buffer and ready to actually wrestle Randy Angel; he’s almost a totally different person except for his voice (and, um, “demons”).*
*We zoom out a bit to see Nelly looking very impressed.*
Randy: Now I can really protect you.
*He takes a drink of what appears to be a bloody Mary with two raw eggs floating in it. The two then turn to the camera and give a big thumbs up as we fade to white and zoom back out to the dark room with Nelly Angel.*
Nelly: And so Randy Angel was reborn as…himself…but, um, with muscles, and some actual in-ring training. He may not be perfect, and he’s probably drunk right now; but at least he’s doing it with massive guns!
*Randy Angel comes out from off screen and poses with his muscles.*
Randy: Who needs ‘roid rage when you’ve got… BARLEY POWER! Fermentation….oooh yeah!
Nelly: Ok, ok, that’s enough.
*Randy seemingly slides off camera as Nelly regains his composure.*
Nelly: Thank you for watching, and until next time; stay tuned for more….XHF Dark Ages!
*The camera finally fades to black.*
Nelly: In the summer of 2010, during a heated rivalry that was escalating to hilarious heights, I suddenly disappeared from the face of the wrestling world.
*On the screen behind Nelly is a picture of him, then a question mark spirals onto the image.*
Nelly: Where did I go, and what happened to bring me back? These were questions that have lingered ever since then and have continued now with the launch of the XHF Network. The answer is….I was kidnapped!
*The image changes to video of several large men in black hauling a potato sack; the contents of which seem to be moving!*
Nelly: Although the kidnapping is still under investigation, I have my suspicions on who was the mastermind behind it. But that’s not our focus today. You see, several days later, my brother, Randy Angel-
*The kidnap footage changes to an image of a drunken Randy Angel passed out in the middle of a table in what appears to be a sushi restaurant while people are fleeing the scene in terror for unknown reasons. There’s a label on the photo, it says, “STOCK PHOTO.”*
Nelly: -woke up from another bender only to realize I hadn’t been home in days. He eventually found me just in time, as the building I was being held in was due for destruction on that very day.
*The stock photo switches to a still of Randy helping a beaten and tired Nelly from an old building as it explodes in the background.*
Nelly: The incident awoke something inside of Randy. Something deep down that he hadn’t felt in many years.
*The image zooms in on Randy’s face, an awakening written across it (figuratively speaking).*
Nelly: Today we pull back the curtain once again and look into the….The XHF Dark Ages!
*Nelly backs up and the camera begins to zoom in on the image screen, which now shows the door opening inside of the shared apartment of Dos Angeles (Nelly and Randy…also a large clown man but we don’t talk about that in the XHF). Nelly’s voice comes over to narrate one last time.*
Nelly: I was released from the hospital a few days after I was found. Randy brought me home- well, I drove; for obvious reasons. But you know what I mean…
*We’re now inside the video via the magic of sweet editing and the audio picks up as Nelly and Randy walk into the apartment.*
Randy: Nell, I am so sorry.
Nelly: Dude, calm down, it wasn’t your fault. How was I supposed to know I’d end up kidnapped and trapped in an abandoned building due for being blown up. –Which by the way is really weird, why would the local government not implode or simply knock it down? I mean-
*Randy silences his brother by placing a hand on his shoulder.*
Randy: No, this was my fault. I couldn’t protect you. What kind of terrible big brother am I if I can’t even keep you safe?
*Nelly pushes Randy’s hand away.*
Nelly: What are you talking about? It was a freak kidnapping.
Randy: A frea…see, this is the problem; you’re too naïve. People don’t just get kidnapped randomly.
Nelly: Um, yeah they do. Isn’t that what all the crime dramas are about?
Randy: I need to be able to protect you, not just mooch off of your success. And that starts right now!
*Randy walks into the kitchen area right by the door, grabs a bottle of clear liquid and drops it into the garbage. Nelly is shocked.*
Nelly: You’re quitting drinking?!
Randy: Whoa there cowboy, baby steps. Vodka is gross and doesn’t Popeye me very well.
Nelly: What?
Randy: Nell, I’ve been drinking for years. If alcohol were Popeye, I’d be spinach.
Nelly: That…that doesn’t make any sense.
Randy: Well, I’m still four sheets to the wind, lemme go down a sheet and then we’ll try again.
*Randy walks back into the kitchen area and comes out with a bottle of cheap whiskey. He takes a slug of it.*
Randy: As I was saying, I’m gonna protect you from now on, I swear.
*The camera fades out as Randy pounds hard liquor in front of his confused brother.*
*The camera opens as the rockin’ awesome guitar of Lit’s “My Own Worst Enemy” blasts. We see early morning light coming into a filthy room covered in bottles, cans, socks, a blow up doll, what might be a large animal that is hopefully just sleeping, suits strewn abou…anyway it’s really gross. A sleepy hand falls down on an alarm clock (we can’t hear anything because the music is all-encompassing).*
“Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?
I didn't mean to call you that
I can't remember what was said or what you threw at me
Please tell me...”
I didn't mean to call you that
I can't remember what was said or what you threw at me
Please tell me...”
*The camera cuts to Randy Angel in the kitchen; he pours a glass full of brown liquor, and then adds in a couple raw eggs on top. He looks nervously at the glass, then raises it up as though giving a toast and knocks it back.*
“Please tell me whyyyyy my car is in the front yard,
And I'm sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night
And you're gone, gone”
And I'm sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night
And you're gone, gone”
*He immediately retches…through the entire chorus.*
“It's no surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy
'Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me
The smoke alarm is going off, and there's a cigarette
Still burning…”
I am my own worst enemy
'Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me
The smoke alarm is going off, and there's a cigarette
Still burning…”
*We cut to a very surprising scene. Randy appears to be at the gym. We can see him from the waist up and he looks into the distance like weightlifters do when they’re concentrating in movies and television shows. He lifts up his left arm, which holds a dumbbell. Then he lowers it. He then lifts up his right arm, which holds a flask, he drinks from it.*
“Please tell me whyyyyy my car is in the front yard
And I'm sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night
And you're gone, gone”
And I'm sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night
And you're gone, gone”
*The camera switches to the brothers Angel working out in a dusty ring (looks like Kongo’s Gym). There are a lot of quick cuts as they go through stretches, crutches, pull-ups, push-ups etc. Suddenly the music cuts as we see an exhausted Randy leaning into a turnbuckle chest-first, sobbing (which is now audible).*
Randy: Hh…hh…uh…Nell, I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I just can’t do it anymore. Just give me the gun and we’ll end it now.
Nelly: *Off-camera* If that’s how you’re gonna be, fine.
*Randy is handed a hand gun. In very dramatic fashion he turns around and looks at the gun. Falling back into the turnbuckle for support, a defeated Randy raises the gun to his mouth.*
Randy: No…no more….
*He pulls the trigger! And liquid squirts into his mouth! He seems very refreshed as life returns to him and he regains his strength. Randy cradles the gun with love.*
Randy: Oh alcohol squirt gun, you understand me. Only you really know me.
*He rubs the gun on his face as the music blasts back.*
“Please tell me whyyyy my car is in the front yard
And I'm sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night”
And I'm sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night”
*We see a lot of quick cuts of Nelly and Randy training. There’s car-chasing, bench-pressing, high flying (and falling), wrestling holds, the whole works.*
“It's no surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy
'Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me
Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?
I didn't mean to call you that”
I am my own worst enemy
'Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me
Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?
I didn't mean to call you that”
*As the music fades out the camera slowly pans from the ceiling down onto a new, buffer and ready to actually wrestle Randy Angel; he’s almost a totally different person except for his voice (and, um, “demons”).*
*We zoom out a bit to see Nelly looking very impressed.*
Randy: Now I can really protect you.
*He takes a drink of what appears to be a bloody Mary with two raw eggs floating in it. The two then turn to the camera and give a big thumbs up as we fade to white and zoom back out to the dark room with Nelly Angel.*
Nelly: And so Randy Angel was reborn as…himself…but, um, with muscles, and some actual in-ring training. He may not be perfect, and he’s probably drunk right now; but at least he’s doing it with massive guns!
*Randy Angel comes out from off screen and poses with his muscles.*
Randy: Who needs ‘roid rage when you’ve got… BARLEY POWER! Fermentation….oooh yeah!
Nelly: Ok, ok, that’s enough.
*Randy seemingly slides off camera as Nelly regains his composure.*
Nelly: Thank you for watching, and until next time; stay tuned for more….XHF Dark Ages!
*The camera finally fades to black.*
