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Post by John Cavanagh on Apr 5, 2021 5:27:15 GMT -5
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Post by Oh-Oh on Apr 5, 2021 6:04:28 GMT -5
I’m really enjoying the story. The colours help the reader know who’s voice it is. I’m curious to see what happens when the detective gets involved. This has a ‘sinner’ type feel to it.
I like how you’re giving John the promo in the midst of the story. In the first one, the famous authors and their views on war was a nice touch.
Now that we know there are two street gangs about to tussle? I’m curious as to how that’ll shake out. The way you described CC through the eyes of the Kings/Detective early in the 2nd was top notch. You didn’t hand it to us on a silver platter - but it’s clear both sides of the law are aware of what Hells Kitchen is all about.
I know in NPW and 1000 words makes it challenging for a story like this, so it would appear as though you’re utilizing the opportunity to add layers upon layers to John, Trigger and Andy.
You’re headed in the right direction. I believe you’re one of the favs to win this thing. Keep it up.
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Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Apr 5, 2021 6:06:15 GMT -5
First off I’ve been really excited to see you break out with this stuff!
So I haven’t been reading live as much on the discord- but I did cover your first promo somewhat there. Anyway I’ll give you some fresh takes.
RP 1: So right away it was clear you’re setting up a larger story...at the same time though there was no logical connection within the rp between the story and promo. This was made clear in the second rp how they connect though. I only bring it up because Mav did the same thing in his opening promo for the Rumble last year with his secondary guy and was relentlessly mocked for it. He never continued the story, lol
The promo itself was an interesting read- maybe a little wordy- but I though it introduced Cav well as the thinking man’s criminal scumbag
RP 2: Ok so as noted above, you tied the story and promo parts together, and you did it well. The guy from the first got wacked and the Celtic Club don’t know yet. Now it’s a story I’m interested in
Everything together is long, and at times it feels long. John has the gift of gab and it shows, lol
That said, the promo section of this was excellent. You talked about some of the presumed major players and showed that you’ve been reading their promos.
All in all I’ve enjoyed your first foray into the global sector (even if the promos take me a long time to read) and I’m excited to see where this leads!
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Post by John Cavanagh on Apr 5, 2021 7:25:52 GMT -5
Thank you guys, the feedback is appreciated. Do you guys think I’d be better suited chunking the RPs into smaller RPs for an easier read? I just tend to let my brain loose and don’t stop until my brain is “alright bruh, that’s enough” lol
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Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Apr 5, 2021 7:29:33 GMT -5
I dunno, even though they're long I'm not sure where I'd split the two you've done so far, lol. So that might have to be how it is
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SWAT Team
.::XHF Superstar::.
The Promise Land
Posts: 2,416
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Post by SWAT Team on Apr 6, 2021 2:31:15 GMT -5
Celtic Club are Legit
Split how you feel they should be not how you think others would want.
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Post by John Cavanagh on Apr 6, 2021 20:11:47 GMT -5
Celtic Club are Legit Split how you feel they should be not how you think others would want. Thanks man!
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