Nightmares of the Rumble (Pt.5)

[Jesse Jamester]

“Welcome to a very Merry Nightmare Christmas!”


Opening up to reveal a horrific Christmas scene, with presents wrapped in printed out wrestler’s faces and company logos. All of which were placed around a pine tree wrapped in lights and barbwire with foreign objects hanging from it such as base ball bats, trash can lids, nunchucks, kendo sticks, a steel chair, brass knuckles, and the famous 2x4 piece of wood. The mammoth tree reached the ceiling, where it had an ‘XHF’ logo for the star.

Panning out, we see Jesse Jamester sitting in a high regal chair sporting a black and white Santa suit. Wearing his patented lizard mask and a black beard that extends over his jawline rather than the white jolly one we normally see with Santa’s getup. Jesse is decked in his own take on the jolly festive fabled character, with of course, his own dark twist.

A fireplace behind the tree is home to some logs that crackle and burn, as Jesse sits with a bag next to him, a big red sack, with the top open. His hands folded, as the Canadian Nightmare rests comfortable upright, looking as though he was about to read to us.

Jesse Jamester: Thank you for joining me for this festive occasion! No, your eyes do not deceive you, this is Christmas in April! Why wait for December, when all the XHF is in attendance to see the Rumble now? I took this opportunity to decorate and put together this fun little shin-dig for you all to receive some gifts from yours truly! 

A hearty goofy smile moves the fake beard but is hardly visible beneath the mask.

Jesse Jamester: First and foremost, this is a Nightmare Christmas edition, so for all those preaching for Jesus, you’re looking at him!

Pointing to one self, Jesse winks.

Jesse Jamester: It’s a known fact, I don’t do anything for the religious folk, and that doesn’t change today. If you are easily offended, or have a knack for having your butt hurt by someone making a joke - hit the X and leave the video! That’s your warning kiddos, get off my channel before you parents catch you and send you off to Catholic school.

Reaching into the bag, Jesse Jamester pauses and holds up a finger.

Jesse Jamester: I almost forgot! A very Merry Special Nightmare Christmas to Mongo of the XHF! We want to thank you for all your support this past what, one thousand years, you ole’ dinosaur you! What the XHF doesn’t know is Mongo is the step-father of the XHF, so don’t get stuck in anything guys, he will help you in ways you won’t enjoy. (shivers) What do we have for Mongo in the bag?

Reaching in he pulls an oddly shaped present out, no larger than a forearm, and begins to shake it.

Jesse Jamester: I don’t hear anything broken, so I’ll do the honors of unwrapping this for you Mongo - let the XHF see what they got you with all their subscription fees!

Ripping the packaging off, we see a Tupperware container.

Jesse Jamester: Oh, it’s a fruit cake! Looks like they really know you Mr. Mongo!  I’ll make sure to keep this one in the basement for you, so it stays preserved until the XHF Rumble.

As he flips the fruitcake over it shows on the bottom a hashtag #FuckMongo written on it. Reaching back into the giant red sack, Jesse pulls out another present.

Jesse Jamester: This one is addressed to Kira, oh, it sounds like someone didn’t use bubble wrap.

Shaking the present, a sound of glass or nails is heard sliding around inside. Opening up the gift, Jesse holds the box out to reveal to the camera a box full of thumbtacks.

Jesse Jamester: We went all out for you this year Kira! Looks like you can begin to pin those English note cards to the bulletin board and get with the 21st century on learning how to read and write in a language everyone understands! If that doesn’t work, there's plenty of other useful purposes for these shiny thumbtacks. Just ask Caffrey, he’s got a history of being one of these in someone’s ass!

Tossing the box to the left, we hear the tacks pour out onto the floor as Jesse reaches into the bag for another present. Out comes a long rectangular box, with the name “Riley Richards” on it.

Jesse Jamester: Oh, Mr. Richards, it looks like you’ve been extra nice this year! This appears to be, yes, yes it is!

Shoving the now unwrapped box to reveal a set of bronze knee braces that look like they’d been made in the medieval times.

Jesse Jamester: For third place in life, the award for weak knees goes to Riley Richards! Come on up, and get the much needed support you need Richy Rich! We know how much time you spend on your knees. (winks)

Reaching back into the bag, Jesse pulls out another smaller box, this one addressed to “Adrien Cochrane.” Talking as he begins to open it, Jesse looks at it with a snarl.

Jesse Jamester: Not that Adrien deserves a gift, no, that little elf deserves a boot in his ass! But here we are, being festive and giving-

The box opens and out falls a trophy, with ‘Participation Award’ and ‘Adrien Cochrane' on white tape on the bottom.

Jesse Jamester: Looks like your Rumble award came early Adrien! I’ll hold on to this for you until the show, so I can give it to you personally, man to boy - okaaaay.

A big smile on Jesse's face as his blue eyes linger on the tree. Reaching into the bag once more, Jesse shakes the bag and realized it was empty.

Jesse Jamester: Oh, it looks like we are all out in the sack of Nightmares. However, I didn’t forget the rest of you (looking over at the heinous abomination of a tree with presents around it). I have something special for you all, give me a moment to grab it.

Standing up from the chair, Jesse walks out of the shot to the left. The festive holiday music playing in the background begins to feel ominous, as the Nut Cracker begins to play. As though tuned to the light source that follows, the Nut Cracker picks up with the noise - and in walks Jesse Jamester holding a ‘Not-A-Flamethrower’ made by the Boring Company.

Sputtering the trigger, Jesse sees the Not-A-Flamethrower spurt out a small flame, and is happy with this action. Pointing the massive potato-gun looking object towards the tree, he clenches the trigger, and the flame engulfs the tree, setting it a blaze in moments! The whole room brightens with the introduction of fire to a full grown pine tree, and with it, the items on the tree begin to fall down to the presents below, spreading the fire.

Letting off the trigger, he watches as the tree rolls into a blaze, and walks towards the camera, the fire to his back.

Jesse Jamester: Christmas is synonymous with greed! And all of the XHF has been placed on the naughty list this year for being greedy. From the top to the bottom, you have all cried of your wants and needs, what you deserve, are entitled to, and it shows your lack of respect for earning anything in your lousy lives!

Setting the Not-A-Flamethrower down at his feet, Jesse looks back at the participation trophy for Adrien and grabs it off the chair. Fire rolls from the presents to his bag, setting the chair ablaze just as he turns his back to it again.

Jesse Jamester: What you all deserve is a dose of reality. A dose of the disgust your ancestors would have if they saw the shape of you all! The XHF Rumble use to stand for something, a moment where the collective companies here would fight it out with honor and respect, and find out just exactly WHO was the very best! Now it’s just a disgrace participation trophy event, where everyone who doesn’t win, will sit and bitch about why or how they got the short straw. Make no bones about it fellas, there is one winner come April 25th, and you’re looking at him! Santa Jamester is coming to town, and I’m ready to burn it all to the ground!

Laughing as he steps back, feet away from the flames.

Jesse Jamester: Ho Ho Ho! Merry nightmares to all!

Picking the flamethrower up, he blasts a flame straight at the camera, causing the feed to die.