..::THE XHF NETWORK PRESENTS: RUMBLE 2021::..
Apr 25, 2021 12:56:56 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, ForeverKuroi, and 4 more like this
Post by Dave D-Flipz on Apr 25, 2021 12:56:56 GMT -5
The XHF Network Presents: The Rumble
April 25th, 2021
The Missouri Botanical Garden, St. Louis, Missouri
The scene broadcast to the XHF Network live feed begins with a shot of the entrance to the Missouri Botanical Garden. “Scene Six: Home” by Dream Theater begins to play in the background and the speakers that the XHF hastily set up in the garden. As the opening guitar chords evoke the atmosphere of the Far East, the camera drones lift off the ground and treat us to a visual spectacle as they take off in flight. The image seamlessly fade wipes into an aerial view over the hedge maze, which has been augmented with some actual maze elements and little sensors on the tops of the hedges. In the center is the gazebo and at the south exit is a literal finish line where the XHF Junior Heavyweight title sits in a glass display case.
He scene again fades into a view of the Climatron dome. The cameraman pushes open the doors and we see a black, environmentally safe carpet rolled out over the entrance, speakers on either side of the doors. Above is an ominous cage that buzzes with excitement. Next to that ominous container is a glass box with air holes with a commentary desk inside. Sitting in there is Super Sake Presents: Randy Angel of Off the Wagon and his commentary teammate Joey Hawke. They wave at the camera below as they set up a desk camera for their own benefit, getting their monitors all set up to show the feed so they can call the opening match.
Finally we see the drone cameras gliding over the stream and hitting the bridge, which is adorned with a crude Xtremetron on one side of it, speakers on the other side. Leading to the ring sitting on the tuffet of grass in the Japanese Seiwa-en Garden. A commentary table sits on one side, empty, the stream on the other two sides that don’t house the entrance ramp.
The scene fades into a video package as the heavy metal riffs of Home and the lyrics blast through the arena. Adrien Cochrane is seen in the X*Crown vault with his children … cutting to an image of the Adrien Cutter to Dylan and the pinfall that won him the honor. We flash cut to Dylan and Darlene Price battling in J-Rok, slugging it out. Cut to Eric Dane, Eddie D and Armand all beating down Death Trap. We cut to Copycat giving a tour of his cardboard house outside a Wendy’s in St. Louis. We cut to Terrian Bradshachrane in bed with his young girlfriend and IMMEDIATELY cut again to Aiden Merric and Tucker Bernard being arrested in front of their rolling hunter cabin on the highway.
The scene transitions with a flame and we see Misha Constantine standing tall over the fallen form of MAJESTY holding up the Fireside world title, cut again to Vodka Fizz partying with Jonnie Valentine, cut again to Anthony Caffrey talking to a treehouse as a large, white man peeks through the window and a single MEW is heard. Cut again to a Super Sake commercial with Quake and Randy Angel in costume giving sake to a teacher in a class of unruly children. We transition again to show the Canadian wilds, where a beefy looking hairball and his corgi companion are seen meditating, surrounded by dead small critters. Cut to a large man standing in a yard near a gravestone looking somber. We zoom in on his head and lightning crashes as the head spins and transitions into that signature black lizard mask with a big bad red X on it. Lightning crackles again and his mask mutates into the signature vantablack visage of the EVIL triple crown champion Lord Dominicus. He cackles maniacally as the scene behind him shows the ghostly image of a crashed airship.
Once again the screen shatters and changes and we get a scene at Yankee stadium with a group of Irishmen laughing as John Cavanagh steps through them and cracks his knuckles and neck. He steps towards the scene as it fades again and we see Keith Williams and Oxford Osland in the dressing area of the Botanical Gardens discussing strategy while Keith conditions his moustache with a smirk. Finally a flame billows up from the screen and we see Spike Kane standing amidst the fire with his eyes closed … they open and a glint appears in his right eye as the video shatters and we’re left with an image of the announcers at their desk looking down at Bonnie Jenkins sitting in the entryway to the Climatron holding a microphone.
Hawke: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Welcome to the 2021 XHF Rumble! We have a huge rumble match to determine the X*Crown Champion coming up to main event the night.
Randy: But first! *he sips from a flask of sake* We get to sit here above the action and call a Murder Hornet Hell match! Only in the XHF man!
Hawke: And to open the show we have what is likely only the second match in XHF history after the End of Days finale won by Bobby Barratt where escape from a maze is the name of the game.
Randy: Bloodied Fox defends his Junior Heavyweight title against Rin Kubo! Let’s get to the action!
The Dream Theater song finally ends as we hear a helicopter flying in. From the copter a rope ladder drops down and we see Rin Kubo climbing down, a sword in a scabbard strapped to her back. From the other side a rope unfolds out and down slides Bloodied Fox holding his arcane embroidered shield. They land near the gazebo and meet a referee already inside who reads them the rules since they can’t hear the announcers. He also clamps a collar around each competitor.
Randy: Both competitors will start in the gazebo for three minutes to wrestle for an advantage before being released into the maze.
Hawke: The first one to the exit can claim the title from its display case and walk out the champion.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the 2021 XHF Rumble. Our first match is a hedge maze escape for the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship!
“Choose Me” by BAND-MAID blares over the speakers as Rin Kubo steps up into the gazebo center and raises her arms to the drone cameras and gives a primal shout!
Bonnie Jenkins: First, the challenger. Representing J-ROK … from Kawasaki, Japan … at 5 feet 2 inches and 147 pounds … founding member of SKY Force … The Ronin … RIN KUBO!
The music changes to BFG Division 2020 by Mick Gordon as Bloodied Fox steps to the center of the gazebo and raises his shield to the sky!
Bonnie Jenkins: And her opponent, the current reigning XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, representing the AWF, at 5 feet and 9 inches tall and 195 pounds … fighting out of Reading, Bershire, England … The Bloody Rainmaker … BLOODIED FOX!
Randy: It’s go time baby! Sponsored by Super Sake! Drink more super sake responsibly!
Hawke: YOU are sponsored, the event is not, stop that or the FCC will kill us.
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship
Wrestling Race Match in the Hedge Maze
Bloodied Fox (c) vs Rin Kubo (J-ROK)
The bell rings and the two fighters circle each other in the gazebo. Fox strikes first with a quick left jab. Rin comes right back with a chop to the chest.
Randy: WOO!
Hawke: You aren’t Johnny Styler, cut that out.
Fox sends a chop right back. Kubo follows with a forearm strike. Fox hits a European Uppercut. Rin sends one of her own. Soon the two are trading vicious uppercuts back and forth. Finally Rib grabs Fox by his beard and pulls him in with a savage headbutt. Fox stumbles to his butt holding his forehead. Rin just smiles at him and hits a standing dropkick to the face. Fox rolls backwards and uses the bench of the gazebo to stand up holding his head. Rin kips up and hits a running headbutt which collapses Fox to a seat on the bench. She leaps up onto the bench to continue the assault but Fox slides forward off the bench and pulls out her legs sending her crashing chest first onto the railing around the gazebo. Fox somersaults to the middle of the gazebo and pulls the shield from his back and throws it like a Frisbee where it catches Rin off the shoulder blades arching her back in agony. Fox has his hand out but the shield doesn’t come back to him. He looks disappointed and sighs.
Hawke: Did … did he think the Esoteric Order of Driving somehow enchanted his shield to be like Captain America’s?
Randy: WOULDN’T YOU?
Hawke: No …
Randy: And that’s why you’re boring Jojo. *gulps sake from a double sized wine goblet*
Rin slowly turns to him with a look of WTF on her face. Fox shrugs and kicks the shield up into his hand and clobbers her in the gut with it. Rin leaps onto the bench to avoid a second shot then leaps off with a double foot stomp onto the shield crushing Fox beneath it. He stashes the shield on his back again and the two of them grapple. Fox arm drags Rin who slides right down the stairs and to the grass below. Fox sprints out and leaps off the gazebo floor but Rin catches him midair with a monkey flip sending him sprawling into the soft grass.
Randy: Fox has to be anxious to finally defend a singles title successfully.
Hawke: He certainly had that on his mind when he was fighting MYOJIN for the title. It’s going to take more than just his wrestling skill and endurance this time though.
Fox scrambles to his feet and Rin charges in with another dropkick. Fox kips up immediately and hits a dropkick of his own. Both fighters kip up and grapple. A they struggle they begin to stumble away from the gazebo to one of the outlets into the maze. A buzzer sounds over the loudspeaker signaling they can now move into the maze. Fox plants a kick into the gut of Rin and plants her with a DDT to break the grapple. He hits a standing double foot stomp as he moves into the exit. He looks around, surveying the pathways. He bolts left. Rin slowly begins to get to her hands and knees. We switch to the aerial drone cam and see Fox walking down a path. He cuts right, dead end. He snaps his fingers in annoyance. He turns and goes back and this time takes the left path. It cuts left again. He goes right … dead end. He scratches his head. Rin is slowly to her feet and looks around but can’t find Fox.
Hawke:Now the games begin. The competitors need to escape but it’s a maze. And they have to worry about their opponent.
Randy: I’d need a stiff drink to handle this. *Drinks from a skull shaped vodka bottle*
Hawke: You need a stiff drink to handle having a stiff drink.
Randy: You’re not wrong! *nip from his flask*
Rin turns to an exit to her left, to the left of the one Fox left through. She hears footsteps. Fox sprints out of that exit finding himself back at the gazebo! BURNING SWORD! Rin comes from his side and absolutely annihilates him with the lariat! Fox crumples to the grass holding his neck and turtling under his shield. Rin thinks about attacking but decides to find a correct exit. She circles to the third of five exits from the gazebo area. The Ronin begins to make her way out to the north. She comes to a fork and goes left. She peeks around another corner and sees a dead end. Quickly she doubles back and goes right. At the next fork she goes left. She follows this path and ignores an offshoot to the left, knowing that leads back towards the center. She goes straight at a four way intersection. The path turns and she is met by a charging Fox! He hits a shotgun dropkick! Rin stumbles and gets tangled in the hedges. As she fights to get out, she gets all kinds of nicks and scratches from the trees as Fox lays punches into her gut to try and suck the air from her lungs.
Randy: It’s like that Rush song! There is unrest in the forest! Trouble with the trees!
Hawke: You aren’t drunk enough yet. Those are hedges. Trees is too close to that.
Fox pulls her from the hedge and hits a powerslam. She manages to roll him into a school boy. This does nothing to win the match but slow Fox down. He kicks out and gets to his feet. He rains stomps down. Rin catches the foot and torques him to the ground. She rolls on top of him and locks in a Boston Crab!
Hawke: Hard to find your way out if you can’t walk.
Randy: *BURRRRRP* Yeah! Break his spine!
Hawke: Hmm … quite …
Fox yelps in pain.
Randy: *HIC* I guess that’s what the Fox says.
Hawke:… Really?
Fox grabs hold of the hedges and pulls himself into them underneath the branches. As they poke Rin in the back she releases the hold. Fox pulls himself up on the branches and Rin tries a headbutt but Fox ducks and she pokes her eyes on the branches. As she stumbles Fox climbs the hedge and then backflips off with a moonsault. Fox looks satisfied and goes deeper into the maze the way Rin came from. Rin claws her way forward. Fox finds the same dead end on the right path of the four way intersection so he goes the opposite way. This time he finds a spiral. It leads him into a dead end with a water fountain to regain some fluids. Fox takes a drink and looks satisfied. Kubo claws down a left turn and finds a stone monolith. She looks up at it. Some crows attack her. She kips up and runs back the way she came. And exits the very spot Fox ENTERED the maze in. Fox returns to the path and continues to the spot where Rin ignored a turn off and takes it. Rin stumbles through the gazebo and down the final pathway from the center spoke.
Randy:The competitors sure look confused.
Hawke:Wouldn’t you be?
Randy: *Drinking from a sake bottle* I’m always confused Joey.
Fox finds a bunch of branches and vines strewn on the ground on his path. Rin finds a vine as well. Both competitors pick it up and Fox pulls. Rin stumbles forward. She looks miffed and pulls hard back. Fox stumbles into a wall of thorns. Blood now seeping from tiny wounds, he slowly pulls the vine through the wall and curls it around his arms to keep the slack out. Rin is slowly pulled towards the hedges. Fox snaps the vine like a rope and it lashes up and hits Rin in the nose. She grabs her face and the vine falls limp. Fox climbs the thorny hegdes being careful to avoid the thorns. He steps on top of the hedge and looks at Rin. He smirks … and as he steps in the middle of the top of the hedge he spasms hard and falls off back the way he came jerking in unnatural ways. Rin looks confused.
Bonnie Jenkins: The tops of the hedges have been fitted with invisible electric fence lines. Both competitors are fitted with shock collars. Any attempt to cheat by leaping the hedges will result in shocks.
Fox mouths “NOW SHE TELLS US?” He convulses among the branches. Rin smiles. She pulls out her sword and slices into the branches … and immediately gets the shock of a lifetime.
Bonnie Jenkins: This also applies to trying to go THROUGH the electric fence lines.
Randy: Mongo spared no expense … and he doesn’t trust them.
Hawke: Yeah I don’t blame him. Sure Fox wanted an aerial attack but from up there they can see the whole maze. It makes sense!
Seemingly incensed at hearing Mongo made sense… even though they can’t hear the announcers, both competitors come to their feet and decide to just try and find the exit. Fox wanders and finds a split. He turns left and finds a shrine to Mongo the Destroyer. He looks at it and doesn’t know what to do. He slowly backs away. As he turns he hears Rin sprinting at him from the right hand path and gets his shield up just in time as a sword clangs off of it.
Hawke: SHE JUST NEARLY CUT HIM IN HALF LIKE A MORTAL KOMBAT CHARACTER!
Randy: Friendship!
Hawke: … You have bad friends.
Rin begins to swing the sword wildly as Fox manages to parry the blows with the shield. A war cry echoes throughout the maze as Rin tries to jab the sword into Fox. He manages to direct it under his arm and smashes the shield into Rin’s face. He then uses the rim to hit her in the throat. She stumbles back and drops the sword. Fox puts down the shield and hits a fox trap suplex onto the shield. Fox glare at the prone body of Rin and grabs her sword. He laughs as he walks away.
Randy: Oh you never steal a Ronin’s sword Joey.
Hawke: How do you know?
Randy: Do you know how many ninjas and samurai I’ve fought? … in my mind? Also I live in Japan. Drink Super Sake more! Responsibly!
Fox walks back the way Rin came from and finds a branching path. He peeks to the right and sees the disposed of vine from earlier. He nods. He goes left. As he walks he is stopped by a pair of squirrels playing in the maze. They run around him and climb on him as he tries to get them off without hurting them. One of the squirrels decides to find where Fox hides his nuts. Not liking this idea, Fox sprints to a fountain in the center of a circular outcrop and leaps inside. The squirrels run off. Fox sighs and climbs out of the water. Rustling is heard as some sparrows fly out of the hedges near him. Fox suddenly is on high alert. Rin comes leaping off the hedges like Spider-woman and tackles him into the water. She laughs as she holds his head down in the drink.
Hawke:She’s gonna drown him!
Randy: Foxes breathe underwater Jojo. That’s why in Sonic only Sonic dies underwater not Tails!
Hawke:… WHERE DID YOU LEARN THIS CRAP?
Rin sees the sword on his back … in the water. She immediately flies into a rage and whips him out of the water.
Rin Kubo: MY SWORD! HOW DARE YOU!? IT WILL RUST! GAIJIN! BAKA!
She barrels into Fox and begins slamming his head off the ground. Fox shoves her off. She dives at him but he hits a drop toe hold slamming her head into the marble of the fountain. She seems out of it as blood trickles from her busted nose and mouth. Fox turns to slowly walk away. He surveys the two remaining paths out of the area and tries to figure out which one leads out. He has lost his sense of direction with all the fighting. He looks down one path that branches off to the right in two paths. The other path bends to the left without splitting. He suddenly hears someone spit behind him. He turns and swings the sword! CLANG!
Randy: RIN HAD HIS SHIELD THE WHOLE TIME!
Hawke: I saw her grab it from the entrance to the rotunda before she followed Fox just now. She must have left it there when she climbed the hedges earlier.
CLANG CLANG! She parries the sword twice more before using the shield to launch it out of Fox’s hands. The shield finds itself buried in the guts of Fox. Doubled over, he instinctively fires a question mark kick and knocks the shield into the air. It clatters to the ground next to them as Rin kicks him in the gut again and hits him with a brutal Rin Factor! Fox slowly reaches his hand for his shield but in a callback to last year’s rumble, he again finds his hand impaled on a bladed implement as Rin jams her sword’s tip through his left hand, luckily missing the bones. Fox howls in agony as blood sprays from the wound.
Hawke: OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL!?
Randy: *vomits …. On Joey’s lap* Oh I was not ready for that. *drinks an entire can of Bastard Brew beer*
Fox is shouting obscenities at Rin who laughs. Fox looks around for a way out. Rin leaves his hand pinned to the ground and turns to grab the shield. She turns and goes to slam the shield into his throat but Fox kicks up and knocks the shield into her face. She falls to the grass dazed as the foliage stains with red spray splatter. Fox manages to get the sword out of his hand and hurls it over the hedges so it can’t be used again. He then turtles up holding his hand in agony. He slowly pulls something out of his tights … it’s a gauze wrap. He begins to bandage his hand so he can continue. Rin slowly approaches the fountain. She climbs up the structure.
Hawke:What is she up to?
Randy:I don’t know!
Rin leaps from the fountain with a falling elbow drop to the back of the distracted Fox. He again cries out. She stomps on his injured hand causing the gauze to stain red even faster. She hooks his left arm and head and lifts him for the Worst Flight wing but Fox manages to spin out of it. Still with his left arm in her hands he pulls her in with the ripcord superman palm strike!
Randy: BLOODY RAINMAKER!
Hawke: Rin is seeing stars.
Fox takes a minute to catch his breath and climbs the hedges. He then leaps off with a frog splash to the downed Rin. He bounces off holding his stomach and knees in pain. Rin looks to be out of it. Fox slowly crawls to the fountain. He stripes the gauze and washes his hand, staining the fountain red. He then walks to the hedges and pulls off one of the vines. He wraps his hand in the vine. He squeezes it in a test. As it is to his liking he exits the path to the left. He slowly stumbles his way forward and … there it is … an opening. He’s found the path out! He laughs and starts to walk there. Suddenly he is hit in the back by his own shield which bounces off and up to the top of the hedges. He falls to the ground in pain. Rin slowly claws her way towards him, face a crimson mask. Fox keeps crawling to the exit. Getting to her feet, Rin makes gains on him. She grabs him by the foot and pulls him back a few feet before slamming the foot into the ground with a DDT.
Hawke: This one isn’t over yet!
Randy: No but it sure is violent!
Rin stomps on his knees a few times before walking past him. Out of instinct, Fox lunges out and grabs her legs. She drags him a few feet before he is able to torque her to the grass. He hooks in an angle lock but Rin rolls over and kicks him in the face. She rolls free and grabs the hedges. She pulls to her feet and walks towards the exit. Fox finds his second wind and kips up, stumbling on his wobbly legs. He sprints and tackles her from behind. They roll around trying to get the advantage, slowly moving towards the finish line. Rin locks in a front chancery. Fox manages to get to his knees and hit a kneeling Northern Lights Suplex. Rin releases him and they flop to the grass. Fox this time pulls to his feet and Rin immediately latches on to his arm and bites the injured hand.
Randy: GROSS!
Hawke: That can’t be sanitary.
Again reduced to howling in pain, Fox brings up a knee to the face. He hits a few Kawada kicks. Rin is down. Fox turns and she again grabs his ankle. Sighing, Fox pulls her up to a wobbly standing base. He hooks her arm and shoves her back. He holds the hand and yanks her in but his hand is the hurt one and he loses his grip and she is able to collapse to her knees and avoid the palm strike. She in return spins with a vicious Burning Sword lariat!
Hawke: Once again both fighters are down. This maze is going to need some serious sterilization.
Randy: Ah let nature take its course Joey.
Between the damage he’s taken here, the sword to the hand, the shield to the throat, and the lingering shoulder damage from his fight with MYOJIN, Fox looks spent. He is down and not moving. Rin begins to slowly inch to the exit. She stops crawling and breathes heavily. She tries to push to her hands and knees. Fox rolls over and grabs her foot. She kicks his hands off and spits blood. She looks up at the title and smiles. Suddenly Fox is on top of her and the Hangman’s Clutch II is in deep!
Randy: LAMENT CONFIGURATION!
Hawke: Rin is fading fast!
Rin continues to drag Fox towards the exit. She is pulling less each gasp. Finally with fingertips millimeters from the finish line she drops to the grass. She sputters more blood and passes out. Fox keeps the hold in for five more seconds to be sure. He releases her and rolls off. He takes his time to stand up and slowly step through the finish line tape and reach into the glass case, freeing his prize.
Bonnie Jenkins: Your winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion … AWF’s Own Vulpine Scavenger … BLOODIED FOX!
Randy: FOX RETAINS! He did it!
Hawke: And his reward is a date with Destiny IN Destiny against Jason Long. A man who MAY walk out of here tag team champion AND X*Crown champion if destiny allies with him.
Fox stumbles to the grass with a smile on his face. He is met by Brandon Harding who hands him his shield. Harding holds his fiancé in a standing position as Fox raises the title high over his head!
We move from the action to….the XHF Network owner, Mongo the Destroyer? …Flying? He appears to be suspended above the Missouri Botanical Gardens, with the Climatron easily identifiable in the background.
Mongo: Hello XHF Network fans! For those of you who don’t recognize me easy, I’m Mongo the Destroyer- the owner of the XHF Network. I’m currently here on a lift above tonight’s proceedings.
He chuckles to himself.
Mongo: You know, we were considering using this lift for the commentary crew, but there were questions about how safe it would be.
The lift suddenly jerks up and into the camera frame as Mongo white knuckles the railings on it and looks down.
Mongo: HEY! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!? WHO ARE YOU!? ARE YOU ONE OF ZIKO’S!?
There’s a pause.
Mongo: Mayfield? Oh well he’s far more competent, you keep it up but be a little careful.
The head of the Network shakes his head and then tries to brush it off with a smile to the camera.
Mongo: 2021 may not have that exciting of a ring to it, and I know we’re all still suffering through a variety of issues worldwide- but this year is special to me. You see, twenty years ago as of July, the Xtreme Hardcore Federation first opened its doors. From there things only grew- especially after I bought the company a few months later. In fact, this is technically our twentieth anniversary of the first Rumble- in December but still.
He waves through that
Mongo: But July of 2021 will be marking our twentieth anniversary. Yes, we’ve had a few ups, downs, and extended periods of dormancy- but the spirit of the XHF still runs through a lot of people’s veins. The Xtreme vision is still very much alive!
A firework fills the sky in the shape of an X
Mongo: So I’d like to formally announce that for the XHF Network’s Twentieth Anniversary-
A giant firework “20” lights up over the gardens
Mongo: -We are holding a special month-long celebration in July! In addition to the normal programming, almost all of the XHF Network-branded companies will be holding shows using original XHF show names! I’ll let those companies release their schedules and announcements as such but the shows will be big, and very exciting! And of course Night of Champions will be another spectacular show!
He gestures behind him as a few fireworks fire.
Mongo: So get ready XHF Network! It’s our 20th, and we’re going all out! Anyway, back to the show!
Hawke: What we have coming up next is a match Tim Burton and Freddy Krueger couldn’t dream up. No, this Murder Hornet Hell Match in the Climatron!
Angel: (burp) I’m allergic to bees.
Hawke: Well it’s a good thing they are hornets, and that the XHF Network put us in a glass box inside the Climatron. Suspended above the action with a bird’s eye view!
Angel: What if we need to use the bathroom?
Hawke: Hold it I suppose… Anyway, this next one is about to begin. Let’s lay it out for the viewers at home. A ring has been set up inside the Climatron, and there will be three teams competing for the covenant XHF Tag Team Titles!
Angel: I do not envy the referee’s job tonight. Six hosses fighting it out, murder hornets, and plants that can kill you *Burp*. Nope, I’d take an STD before I took that job.
Hawke: I’m sure you would. Anyway, the referee does have the unfortunate position of being in the Climatron to count the pinfall or call it due to a submission. These only count inside the ring.
Angel: So what about the Murder Hornets?
Hawke: According to the rules, the Murder Hornets will be released at the 30 minute mark, should the match go that long. The referee has been instructed that knock outs due to the murder hornets is not to result in a match stoppage.
Angel: Oooh we get to see people suffer tonight!
Hawke: Yes, the medieval times of XHF are upon us once more! Let’s take it down to Bonnie Jenkins!
Panning around the Climatron, we see a lush beautiful garden with trees, small bridges arching over the ponds, and various stone paths throughout. For the occasion, the XHF spared no expense in providing an eco-friendly black rug that lead from the entrance to the ring. Nestled in the dab center straight ahead of the only set of giant doors to the climatron, was the XHF ring. Taking his rightful spot inside, the announcer lifts the microphone to begin the introduction.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is scheduled for one fall and is for the XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! Introducing first, the challengers, weighing in at a combined 425 pounds, they are Curtis Kanyon and Donny Deville, TEAM U.S.A!
A mash up of Hideki Naganuma's "Teknopathetic" and Metallica's "Don't Tread on Me" plays. After a good amount of drums, Donny comes through the doors with a cartwheel into a front flip and lands in the modern superhero pose looking out at the forest inside. Curtis emerges right behind him with a sledgehammer over his shoulder, and hoists it in the air when Donny hits the pose. Due to restrictions the Climatron refused to allow pyros. Donny springing forth and flips his way down the carpet, each one adding more twists than the last, finally landing perfectly. Curtis walks nonchalantly behind and gives Donny a thumbs up with his free hand at the finish. Donny jumps up to the apron and pulls the ropes down, using them to launch himself on top before moonsaulting off of them, again landing in that hero pose. As he does, Curtis rolls into the ring and climbs a turnbuckle, then points to the crowd with his hammer before hoisting it straight up into the air, and yells "BANG!"
Hawke: This is a solid strange dynamic in Team U.S.A., Curtis Kanyon being the President and Donny Deville. Fireside representation is strong here tonight, as these men take to the ring to prove they’re worthy of XHF Tag Team gold!
Angel: I love the gear, and is that a mustache? Daaaamn, he looks like a Stud!
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing the next challengers, weighing in at a combined weight of 397 pounds, hailing from J-ROK, they are James Raymond and Jason Long, THE NEW AGE KILLERS!
The heavy beats of "No Love" by Death Grips hits the speakers as the house lights shine down to the drumming beat over the speakers. Flashes of Jason Long and James Raymond with their respective singles championship gold appears on a hanging projector screen above the entrance of the Climatron.
"How the trip
Never stops
On and on
It's beyond insane
Why I set
Myself up
In a raging sea of flames?"
Never stops
On and on
It's beyond insane
Why I set
Myself up
In a raging sea of flames?"
The instrumental pours through the Climatron sound system as the lights come to life and flash down onto the stage, the New Age Killers logo filling the projector screen. The house light spiraled around the climatron as the projector screen flashes the team work of both Jason Long and James Raymond as a team.
"You're fit ta learn the proper meaning of a beatdown
Madness chaos in the brain
Let my blood flow, make my blood flow through you mane
You got no business questioning a thang"
Madness chaos in the brain
Let my blood flow, make my blood flow through you mane
You got no business questioning a thang"
Once the lyrics hit the speakers, the entrance doors slide open and The New Age Killers slowly walk through, making their presence known with each step they take before stopping at the start of the lush greenery of the Climatron, they were no longer in Kansas. Jason looks out to the plants, James crouches down and brushes his hand along the flowers near the rug on the Climatron floor below. Jason taps James on the shoulder as he rises up to his feet and they both look at one another, smiling before looking out to the ring once more where Team U.S.A stood waiting.
“Never not on it, leanin' so hard you're ashamed
You can't dismiss this sick transmission huffs your brain
Exhale your will and forget I ever knew you
Fuck do you do?
Fuck a man wit hips for hulu”
You can't dismiss this sick transmission huffs your brain
Exhale your will and forget I ever knew you
Fuck do you do?
Fuck a man wit hips for hulu”
They soon fist bump and make their way down to the ring, sliding under the bottom rope and leaping up onto the turnbuckles, on opposite sides of one another, as they stand there and soak in the Climatron’s presence. They both drop down from the ropes and stand in their respected corner, waiting for the Champions to enter the Climatron next. Staring down their opponents across the ring with a dead serious look to their eyes. Jason Long and Curtis Kanyon look on at one another with a serious gaze as the Announcer steps back to the center of the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: And the final competitors are the CURRENT XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, weighing in at over 540 pounds, they hail from Fireside and CAR respectfully, Anthony Caffrey and Subject #42, SUBJECT TO CHANGE!
“Hall Of The Mountain King” by Apocalyptica sounds over the Climatron system. The massive vehicle used in CAR by Tiny's Titans comes roaring up to the Climatron doors, engine revving, sending vibrations through the Climatron doors, swaying the plants and trees inside. The driver known only as Clark mans the wheel in while Anthony Caffrey and Subject #42 ride in from the gunner positions, hanging onto the machine with one hand and raising their championships with the other. They observe the Climatron’s size as they hop off, and the crowdless atmosphere, as they begin to work their way down the rug towards the ring.
Hawke: The Philadelphia native is far from home!
Angel: He sure is, and he brought the Tin man with him.
Hawke: Don’t let him hear you say that. Subject #42 was able to throw Scott Steel around like a sack of potatoes. I can only imagine what he could do to you.
Subject to Change enter the ring with authority, not shying away from their opponents who take to the opposite side of the ring in respective corners. Holding the XHF Tag Team title gold up, Subject #42 and Anthony Caffrey show off what they have earned and are willing to defend in the tag title division. The XHF referee lays out the rules to all individuals, as the ring announcer makes his way out of the Climatron and the doors are locked behind him. The sliding doors are put on a mechanism that will not release until the match has concluded.
Angel: This is it! XHF Tag Teams all in the ring, and the Climatron secured. We are ready to rumble folks!
Hawke: This is unlike anything the XHF has seen before. A forest of fuckery and a ring in the smack dab center of it.
Angel: Who do you have your money on Hawke?
Hawke: I see the champions with the advantage. They have the biggest man in this match in Subject #42, and Anthony Caffrey is no slouch, a former X*Crown champion, a true technician of the sport.
Angel: That may be the best investigative journalism I have ever heard from you Hawke. Yes, the Champions certainly appear game ready here tonight. I won’t count out the challengers. All these teams are familiar with one another. Team U.S.A. and The New Age Killers both have a chip on their shoulders to prove they are the best tag team in XHF.
XHF Tag-Team Championships
Murder Hornet Hell Match in the Climatron
Subject to Change (c) vs Team USA vs The New Age Killers
The match starts abruptly with The New Age Killers going straight after Subject to Change, while Team U.S.A. go for Anthony Caffrey! Rushed and attacked 2-on-1 each, the current champions are pushed into opposite turnbuckles and beat on with punches, kicks, and forearms. Anthony gets pushed to the bottom turnbuckle, while Subject #42 shoves both men out of the corner showing his strength. Subject goes for a double clothesline, but The New Age Killers duck his swinging arms, rebounds off the ropes and double dropkicks Subject. Staggering, the big man doesn’t leave his feet. The New Age Killers look at one another and run at the ropes again, returning with another set of dropkicks! Subject #42 staggers back towards the ropes.
Angel: Subject #42 looking like an oak tree about to fall!
Hawke: The New Age Killers had a game plan to isolate the big man early and they are executing!
Angel: (burp) Timber!
Announcers echoing what they thought was the removal of Subject 42 from the ring, but he grabs both of The New Age Killers and they all go over the top rope together to the outside of the ring with the double clothesline attack!
Angel: That outside is not forgiving in this setting. Nothing but a dirt ground around that ring.
Hawke: Sure is Angel. The Climatron offers a fresh clean air, but their is a thousand ways to be hurt inside it’s structure.
Angel: Whoever set up this match wanted these men to suffer.
Anthony Caffrey is lifted up by Curtis Kanyon as Donny Deville goes to the top rope waiting for Curtis to put Caffrey on his shoulders. Curtis goes behind and squats down, placing Caffrey on his shoulders, but Caffrey reverses it and drops off the shoulders behind Kanyon & shoves Kanyon into Deville launching him off the apron! Kanyon turns around to be met with a hard right jab that keeps him in the corner. Irish whip from Caffrey, and Kanyon heads to the opposite turnbuckle only to be met with a running clothesline! Caffrey takes an arm, twists, and uses his foot to bend Kanyon to a knee. A hard kick to the chest, and Caffrey locks on an arm bar and wrenches back as he places his free leg on the back of the calf of Kanyon to keep him grounded.
Hawke: This is what we expected from the Fireside owner, his bag of holds is deep, and picking apart his opponent has always been his forte.
Angel: But look on the outside! Raymond and Long are battling Subject into the wild life!
Hawke: I imagine none of these teams want to let this one get to 30 minutes and see those Murder Hornets.
Angel: (burp) Hell no!
Hawke: Subject throws Raymond into a tree like he was a dart!
Subject 42 takes James Raymond by the neck and hoists him up on his shoulder - lawn darting him into a nearby tree! The leaves shake and fall from the tree on impact, as Raymond falls limp at its roots. Subject rages with a mighty battle cry. RAAAGH! Jason Long hits the big man with a branch to the back of his knees! Subject heels over holding his leg, as Jason continues the lashing until the branch breaks over Subject’s back. Subject takes a forearm to back as Jason eyes up around him his next move. Heading into the lush bushes, Jason disappears and gives Subject time to regather himself.
Angel: Where did he go?
Hawke: Jason Long has disappeared from our view here and Subject is now blindly swiping through the bushes.
Angel: He’s a human weed whacker, look at him mowing a path! Hope Mongo paid extra for insurance, he’s going to need it. (burp)
Hawke: Raymond James is back up and sneaking towards Subject!
Angel: Is that really the smartest move? One on one he doesn’t stand a chance.
Hawke: Distraction maybe? Jason Long!
Leaping from the nearby tree we see Jason Long appear. He lands a crossbody on an unexpecting Subject #42 and the two men roll to the ground. Raymond begins stomping Subject #42 giving Jason time to get back up. Jason motions to Raymond and the two rush Subject #42 and shoulder tackle him through the brush and into a swamp pond!
Hawke: Oh that doesn’t look hygienic.
Angel: Reminds me of a pool of puke.
Hawke: We’re aware of your drinking problem Angel. But look at Subject! What a menacing look as he emerges from the Swamp.
Angel: Swamp Thing!
The New Age Killers try to attack Subject 42 with punches in the Swamp but he turns around, displaying the green algae running over his shoulders, a lily pad stuck to his back, and black muk running down his face. Grabbing the team by there necks, Subject 42 lifts them out of the water and slams them down into the swamp! Instead of letting go though, he continues to hold them there.
Hawke: I think he’s trying to drown New Age Killers!
Angel: (burp) Is that legal?
Hawke: It’s morally wrong, but in this match anything goes!
Subject keeps his arms engulfed in the swamp, holding the New Age Killers down for maybe 10 seconds before his eyes become the size of golf balls. All of a sudden Jason Long and Raymond emerged from the swamp as Subject #42 leans over holding himself. The two men went low with a double kick to the family jewels! They gasp for breath as Subject sinks into the swamp. Back to the ring the camera pans and we see Anthony Caffrey getting thrown out of the ring by Kanyon and Deville. Team U.S.A. had gotten the advantage on Caffrey finally, and they were taking him up a walkway towards the waterfall area. Kanyon delivers clubbing blows to Caffrey’s back every few steps. Elevated up the left side of the Climatron, the three men trade blows. Caffrey taking more than giving, but still hanging in there. Deville goes behind Caffrey and hooks his arms. Kanyon focuses on the midsection of Caffrey treating it like a punching bag!
Angel: Can you pass me that?
Hawke: Seriously? Do you not see what Team U.S.A. is about to do to the Fireside owner!?
Angel: Huh? Oh yeah that doesn’t look like a good time.
Referencing the duo of Team U.S.A. looking over the edge of the waterfall to the pond below. Kanyon motions to Deville to get ready, as he grabs Caffrey by the arm to whip him towards the falls. Slingshot! Caffrey flies at Deville who lowers his shoulder to back drop Caffrey! Front dropkick from Caffrey! Deville flies off the cliffside edge and plunges into the pond below! A splash follows as Kanyon looks on with shocked eyes!
Hawke: Deville takes the plunge!
Angel: (burp) Geronimo!
Caffrey climbs to his feet and Kanyon wastes no time hitting The Bang! On him! Folding Caffrey in half with the gore, Kanyon flexes his muscles as he rises up hovering over Caffrey. Pulling him back up to his feet. Kanyon looks over the edge of the cliff to the waterfall and sees Deville has rolled out of the pond alive. A smile crosses Kanyon’s face as he shoves Caffrey’s head between his knees and hoists him up in a powerbomb!
Hawke: Oh no!
Angel: What? People pay for this ride and here Kanyon is giving it out for free.
Hawke: Kanyon just ran and powerbombed Caffrey off the cliff!
Kanyon runs forward and tosses Caffrey, but Anthony is reluctant to let that be the end result and uses his legs to wrap the neck of Kanyon! Both men go flying off the ledge, a hurricarana reversal into the pond below! The camera catches the two men plunge in and the bubbles rise as the waterfall continues flowing over where they landed. Cutting back to the swamp area, the New Age Killers have pulled themselves out of the mucky waters. Raymond James heads towards a section of hanging vine trees that are on the way back to the ring near a walkway. Jason Long is seen grabbing another branch from a tree and breaking it off in preparation of the next person he needs to beat on. Sliding out of the swamp on the far end is Subject 42, who has all the makings of the next horror icon the Swamp Thing attached to him now. The colossus gets to his feet and looks enraged by the New Age Killers antics.
Hawke: It’s almost as though The New Age Killers have something planned here for Subject #42.
Angel: What could they do now? They’ve already made him a Swamp Thing. He also looks like he’s about to unleash that new power on them!
Not wrong about that comment, we see Subject #42 tears a small tree out of the ground, roots hanging from its base as he tosses it over his shoulder and heads towards the walkway where he sees Raymond. A whistle is heard that draws Subject’s attention, and he turns to see Jason Long behind a flock of hanging vines. Subject rushes in at him, maneuvering the tree to a baseball bat position, he swings it at Jason Long but the vines stop the tree from colliding. Long smiles as his plan appears to be working, and Subject drops the tree that is now hung up in the vines and pursues Jason through the thick of the trees. From behind Raymond takes the branch Jason left behind and smashes it over the back of Subject’s head, forcing him into the vines to get tangled up. Jason comes back to Subject and the New Age Killers begin using the vines to tie up Subject from the trees!
Hawke: Are they seriously tying this man down?
Angel: Genius! That’s how you take care of the Swamp Thing!
Hawke: His name is Subject #42, but yes, you are right Angel, he is strung up the trees and looks to be stuck.
Raymond and Long high five and leave one half of the XHF Tag Team Champions hanging from his arms from the trees. They appear happy with their handy work. The New Age Killers trek back through the Climatron towards the ring area. Deville has already made his way back to the ring, while Kanyon and Caffrey appear at different sides of the pond crawling out. Soaked head to toe, both men look spent from the fall into the pond just a bit ago. Caffrey rolls over on his back spitting out water. Kanyon rips off his shirt and slaps his chest, looking for his partner, but not seeing him anywhere near. Kanyon shakes it off and heads towards the ring, which he can spot from the center dome piece above. Like the north star always brought you home, the Climatron setup was designed with the ring in the dead center.
Hawke: We have everyone but the champions either in the ring or headed there now! This could spell the end of Subject to Change’s championship reign!
Angel: Don’t say that! Caffrey is just catching his breath. Subject is hanging out. They aren’t out of it until the fat lady sings!
Hawke: Well don’t invite your mom here then-
As the words leave Hawke’s lips we see Deville get smashed from behind by Jason Long and Raymond James. Donny is sent into the apron and then rolled under the bottom rope. The two-on-one fight was still the game plan for the New Age Killers, and rightfully so, it had worked up until now. Deville gets slung off the ropes, back drop move by Raymond, Long catches him with two knees to the back on his descent! Deville looks to be handicapped after the execution of the move, laying motionless on the canvas. Jason Long goes for the cover as Raymond scouts the one side of the ring. 1! 2! 3--Pulled from the ring by Kanyon! Jason Long’s foot gets yanked by the President, who clubs him over the head with a closed fist and elbows him in the face. Saving the match by mere centimeters, Kanyon goes to slide in the ring but Raymond isn’t having it and stomps on him.
BUZZZ! BUZZZ! BUZZZZZZZZ!
A red light goes off above them and all the men stop to see the glass ceiling in the center of the Climatron open up to unleash the Murder Hornets! The 30 minute time limit had lapsed and the reality of the situation was dawning on all the men near the ring.
Hawke: Oh my Lord!
Angel: What in the Mongo is happening here?
Hawke: The Murder Hornets are buzzing like a pissed off girlfriend.
Angel: How would you know what that’s like? Aren’t you single? (Burp)
Hawke: I've been married for over 30 years thank you very much
Kanyon wastes no time, throwing Jason Long into the steel post and sliding into the ring. James Raymond kicks him in the head as he does. Hooking him with a DDT, Raymond plants Kanyon’s head into the canvas with an impact DDT! Going to hook him for the cover, Raymond seizes the opportunity. 1! 2! 3--Donny Deville with the save! A crashing elbow on Raymond. Deville climbs up to his feet and begins to slug the rising James Raymond. From above the murder hornets strike and we see both men lit up like christmas trees on their shoulders and arms! Caffrey appears at ringside, his eyes witnessing both men dropping to the canvas, Deville hanging on by staying on one knee. Caffrey looks for his partner Subject but doesn’t see him anywhere. Jason Long appears from the side and tackles Caffrey into a nearby bush! Kanyon crouches in the corner as the Murder Hornets are seen moving from the ring to the bushes that Caffrey and Jason appear in. Caffrey is seen yelling at Long that they need to move, but it’s too late! Both men are stung by the hornets!
Hawke: We knew these men all knew what they signed up for, but I think right now they are regretting it!
Angel: Better them than me!
Hawke: Oh I agree. I don’t see how they are going to make it to the Rumble following this.
James Raymond tries to get up, but his shoulders hang limp as he does. As though paraylzed from his shoulders to his waist. He’s yelling at the referee who abandoned the ring when the Hornets attacked, that he can’t feel anything.
Angel: I read that is a side effect of their sting.
Hawke: Temporary paralysis? That’s one hell of a side effect!
Angel: Don’t quote me, I don’t know who gave me this pamphlet.
Hawke: (snatches it) This is the Climatron’s guide pamphlet you idiot!
From the moss covered trees emerges the other half of the XHF Tag Team Champions, vines hanging from him, hornets stinging him, but still moving towards the ring is Subject #42. Raymond sees this and can’t help but shake his head, as his arms dangle at his side. The World Breaker! Out of nowhere by President Kanyon on James Raymond! Subject tries to run quicker, but his left leg is dragging limbs and appears to be swollen from a sting. He edges closer to the ring as the referee slides in and makes the count for Curtis Kanyon on James Raymond. 1! 2! 3! Subject goes to slide in to break up the count but gets caught on the ropes from all the vines and debris he is dragging. Curtis Kanyon drops the leg as the referee signals for the bell!
Hawke: I can’t believe it!
Angel: Subject to Change just lost their belts without getting pinned! Robbed!
Hawke: They knew the risk when they signed up. What an effort by everyone here tonight!
Kanyon rolls out of the ring and sees Deville near the apron. He goes to his partner, but is cautious as the Murder Hornets are buzzing near by. Kanyon grabs Deville by the leg and pulls him from the apron, hoisting him up by using his arm under his armpit. Seeing the welts of stings he took.
Bonnie Jenkins: Winners of the match and NEEEEEW XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, the team of Curtis Kanyon and Donny Deville, the Unique Stud Alliance!
Jason Long on the other side of the ring is sitting up against a tree, eyes glazed over, and in an enormous amount of pain. Caffrey rolls from the bushes looking the same way, both men unable to stand up. The Climatron hums with a noise, and as it does, the Murder Hornets begin to glide up into the air towards the ceiling again. The glass sliding sector opens up and the hornets return to where they were.
Hawke: They listen!? Who engineered these hornets!
Angel: Probably Mongo, he’s one sick son-of-a-bitch.
Hawke: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been the Climatron XHF Tag Team Championship match! What a match it was! We saw the Climatron get used and abused, and new Team Team Champions emerge here tonight.
Angel: (burp) Men have been stung, broken, bruised, and about drowned here tonight. I hope if you have kids, you realize you’re a bad parent for letting them watch this!
Hawke: Don’t mind my partner’s ramblings. I think it’s safe to say we need, no scratch that, we want to get as far away as possible from these hornets!
We open up on a long hallway with a red carpet. We get a very presidential feel with a podium in front of a blank backdrop. The sound of a door opening is followed by the snapping of camera flashes as Magnus walks out onto stage. He has a bright and shiny new metal arm and an eye patch over his left eye. He takes his place behind the podium and shuffles some papers around in front of him before looking ahead into the main camera.
Magnus: Hello and thank you all for taking this time to let me present you all with the state of GUNS.
As soon as the word Guns comes out of the mouth of Magnus the background changes from blank to the picture of Goldbear growling that we see in the image above.
Magnus: As you all know the gym in Atlanta that was owned by Venom and used as the headquarters was lost in a robot bear explosion. The building was not the only thing lost. We also lost the lives of GUNS founders Venom and James Mueller was well as our Tag Team Champions the Borgs. RIP to my homies.
Magnus takes a moment and wipes a tear from his eye before shuffling the papers some more and continuing.
Magnus: In their deaths the Borgs, Venom and Mueller left me in charge of GUNS and set it up for me to be able to continue it after their deaths. As you may have already heard from Venom’s son El Rey the insurance for the gym was left to me and since the Borgs and James both lacked heirs I was also their beneficiary as well. Now I could have taken that money and ran away to some island nation and lived a good life just me and Beef as a real life odd couple, but instead we have chosen to reinvest and keep the dream alive. That is why tonight I am here to announce that this summer Gun Show season 3 will open with the opening of GUNS Arena.
The back drop again changes with the word GUNS and a sketch of the new arena takes the place of Goldbear. Cameras again click like crazy capturing the first look at the images of the new arena.
Magnus: Guns season 3 will begin with an extravaganza to celebrate the 20th birthday of the Xtreme Hardcore Federation. That, though, will just be the first GUNS event. The arena will open with a performance by the legend Sir Paul McCartney in June. For some reason he likes to open every arena.
Magnus shrugs and shuffles the papers around some more. He clears his throat and continues.
Magnus: GUNS Arena will feature many areas dedicated to our fallen founders including the James Mueller Bar and Grill and the Venom court room because you never know when you’ll need quick justice. We are in talks with many judges on who will preside over the new court room, but our front runner is Judge Mills Lane who at 83 is ready to come out of retirement and grab some of that fame he had in the late 90’s and early 00’s. The GUNS founders aren’t the only ones who will be honored as Season 3 begins. With the death of the Borgs the GUNS Tag Team Championships are vacant and so over the next couple months there will be a four team tournament to determine the next championship team. The tournament with be called the “Into the Afterward Tournament” and will feature four of the teams who went two-on-two with the Borgs in season 2 of the Gun Show. The two teams who make it to the final will face off at the Birthday Show and we will crown the second ever GUNS Tag Team Champions. The teams involved will now appear behind me.
The backdrop again changes at the end of his sentence and it reads the following teams: Youthful Affluence, Unchallenged Epoch, Contemporary Twenty Four Hours, and Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon. Again the clicks of cameras can be heard over-and-over.
Magnus: So in conclusion GUNS will live on with the opening of GUNS Arena this summer with the first event being the 20th anniversary of the Xtreme Hardcore Federation. Thank you for coming. Any questions will be answered via the GUNS PR Department.
Magnus points with his thumb off camera. We quickly cut and see BEEF standing wearing a shirt the reads “P.R.”
Magnus: Again, thank you for coming and enjoy the XHF Network’s Rumble.
Magnus exits as cameras click again and we cut away.