Post by Solomon Graham on Apr 30, 2021 4:54:29 GMT -5
FWA: On The Road
Live from U of T Scarborough
April 30th, 2021
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The show opens, and in the ring sits a mysterious stool with a black cloth over it. Suddenly, “Skeleton Key” hits and Solomon Graham comes down to the ring in his street clothes. He smiles for the Scarborough crowd and waves to them. Upon reaching the ring, he climbs up the steps and wipes his feet on the apron before stepping into the ring. He calls for a mic and receives one.
“Scarborough… HOW ARE WE DOING TONIGHT, HUH?!?!?”
And the natives go wild.
“That’s fuckin’ awesome!! It’s been a while since we’ve been here, at U of T Scarborough. We did the first two SHW events here, and I could not be more grateful that we got the chance to come back here again, even if it’s just for one night only! Now… down to business. I have a special announcement to make here tonight, and it’ll go live on our YouTube channel! Can I get a volunteer from the audience to come and help me stream this?”
A bunch of fans, both male and female, start clamoring for the chance to get in the ring. Graham looks at them all, turning his head from left to right, milking the shit outta this… before eventually, he picks a young lad out from the crowd.
“You!!”
The lad picked is a fat guy with black hair and black rimmed glasses. He looks like he’d have a hard time getting into the ring… and it seems he does. Graham shakes this kid’s hand when he’s in the ring.
“Now… what’s your name?”
“Uhhh, Colin, sir!”
“Colin? Good to meet you! All I need you to do…”
Graham reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cellphone. He hands it to Colin (Lowe).
“...is hit “Stream” when I say. It’s YouTube.”
Colin (Lowe) nods.
“Okay!”
Graham smiles and Colin takes the phone, going into the YouTube app. Meanwhile, Graham turns to the crowd.
“Now, just remember… ARE WE LIVE?!?!?”
He points to the fans, and they all give a loud “YES!!! YES!!!!” in response. Never did you ever see a more in sync crowd/wrestling promotion connection. Eventually…
“Okay, and we are LIVE!!!”
“Okay!”
With that, Graham cuts a reveal promo. Here’s the result of that (please read, it's muy importante):
docs.google.com/document/d/17FqNUv7-MxRScHLsTanqyY4odvGgewouhLGkGsQzSrE/edit?usp=sharing
When the stream ends, Graham says…
“Hey, let's have a big round of applause for Colin, everybody!”
The natives go wild, and Colin blushes, before exiting the ring and returning to his seat. From there…
“But that’s not all I came out here for…”
Graham pauses, walking towards the ropes, leaning on the top rope as he speaks.
“My opponent tonight, Extreme Hardcore Wrestling Federation Jr. Heavyweight champion Cliff Maxwell, has betrayed our former friendship and attempted to make my life HELL!! And now, here tonight, I’m seeking revenge! Tonight, in a governed match, I will fight Cliff Maxwell for the EHWF Jr. Heavyweight championship!!!”
The fans go wild… and then…
“Majesty” hits and the good vibes are killed and reanimated as hateful vibes, the zombies of the vibe universe! Cliff Maxwell makes his way out, dressed in a fine suit with the scarf around his neck. He holds the EHWF Jr Heavyweight championship belt in his left arm as he makes his way down to the ring. Upon reaching the ring, he climbs up the ring steps, wipes his feet on the apron and talks trash to Graham, all the while. He enters the ring and snatches the mic away from Graham.
“You think you can go behind my back and get me in a title match? Huh? I AM the EHWF, I basically OWN the EHWF! You can’t just slip this past me! But fine… you want this title match? Looks like you’ve got it… but wait? You’ve got a Jr. Heavyweight title, too, don’t you? Why don’t you put yours on the line? Why do I have to put mine up?”
Sol takes the mic back.
“Because I'll be honest, I don’t even want the EWS Jr. Heavyweight belt anymore. You notice I neglect to take it with me anywhere? It’s because I fucking hate what it represents and I will never present garbage like EWS to MY audience, I VOW it!!!”
Big pop from the natives.
“You want the EWS Jr. belt because you know you could never lace my fucking boots and you’ve always wanted what I’ve had! But the EHWF belt? We both want it, we both need it and we’re both foaming at the mouth for the chance to have it. As such, we’re gonna kick each other's asses all over this university until one of us stops breathing!!!”
The natives go wild! Cliff sneers.
“Now… I’m as tough as a stubborn erection. I can take a licking, keep on ticking and that’s been evidenced by the kind of matches I’ve fought in. From being run down by highway traffic in FWA’s first Roadkill Match, to having my head bashed into solid steel in both the Trip To Oblivion match, to being electrocuted in the Electric Prison, I’ve survived a lot to make it to this point and to get my federation on the fuckin’ map! So, here’s a question I know you have no answer for… how much of all that have you survived?”
At that point, Cliff’s had enough, and he tries to SMACK Graham with the belt… but Graham ducks and clotheslines him right over the top rope!! In the process, Cliff dropped the belt, leaving it in the ring. Graham picks it up and holds it high above his head. He then brings it down and looks at it.
“Y’know… I think this looks right, me and this belt. I may very well hang onto it…”
“NO!!!! That belt is MY property, I invested exactly $25,000 into that and I will NOT have MY worth being DEVALUED because GARBAGE decided to lay hands upon MY property!!! Give it back or I’ll SUE you for everything you’ve got!!”
Graham looks at Cliff, before looking at the belt… and he then folds it up and calmly walks it over and hands it to Cliff… who goes to the back to get dressed.
“With that, folks… let’s get this party started, huh?!”
And the natives go wild!! From there, Graham’s music hits and he goes to the back to get changed.
“Man On The Moon” plays and AJC walks down to the ring with the belt. He wipes his feet and enters the ring, before getting on the mic and cutting a promo.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I look at each and every single one of you and all I see are a bunch of FAT, DISGUSTING PIGS!!!!”
He stops to let the fans boo him, and it builds to a chant of “YOU’RE A FUCK-HEAD!” *clap clap, clap clap clap* “YOU’RE A FUCK-HEAD!” *clap clap, clap clap clap*
“As a result… I have no choice… but to go on ahead and give you all… a HYGIENE LESSON!!!”
Booing from the fans. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little box. He holds it up.
“This, my Scarborough audience, is what we in Scientology call a Bar Of Soap. Say it with me, I’ll repeat it slowly… BAR. OF. SOAP.”
Booing from the fans.
“Now… what you do with this is you turn the water on and then, what you do is you wet the bar of soap under the water… and then you take the bar of soap and you wash your hands with it like this!”
He then does the motion of rubbing the soap in a circular pattern on his hands. The natives are getting restless and eventually, an angry fan (a young lady looking to be in her early 20s. Blonde and beautiful, looking like she just got out of her college class. She has a pair of black yoga pants on, a grey Deadpool tank top, a pair of Nike sandals, black rim glasses and a Toronto Blue Jays baseball cap. (In reality, student Georgia Whittmaier was planted in the audience to fight Coughman tonight). She enters the ring underneath the bottom rope and YANKS AJC around to face her, before SHOVING him to the ground and DEMANDING to fight him for the title! AJC laughs as he slowly pulls himself to his feet.
“You wanna tangle with ME? For MY Gender Nonspecific championship of the world?”
“YEAH! I DO!”
“Well then, sweetheart…”
AJC gets up to his feet.
“REF… ring the goddamn bell!”
DING DING DING
Opening Contest
Andrew Jefferson Coughman defends the Gender Nonspecific Championship of the World against a college student
This one is just all out bad grappling and hair pulling and stuff. Once again, it ends when AJC locks the young girl in the Neck Brace, and she’s immediately out.
DING DING DING
Winner (and STILL champion): Andrew Jefferson Coughman
AJC gets up and stomps down on her, kicking her neck as he gloats about his big win, stating that “I AM FROM HOLLYWOOD, I HAVE THE BRAINS…” ...but then, out from the back runs Jobber Joe, who slides into the ring and chases Coughman out of the ring to a big pop. He checks on the young girl and after he and the referee (Glenn Morgan) get her out of the ring and to the back to be checked on by medical staff, we go to our next segment
The stagehands get everything cleared up, and then, after sweeping up the ring...
The O’Hoodlum brothers come down to the ring as “All The Small Things” plays them out. They jawjack with the fans and almost start a fuckin riot! They roll into the ring underneath the bottom rope and when they get to their feet, they wipe them on the canvas, leaving smears of dirt from their shoes on the mat, before getting into their corner.
“Into Hell Again” hits and out come Garrett and Miles Harrison, the duo of brothers known as the Hamilton Hitmen. They give each other a fist bump before making their way down to the ring. As they walk down the ramp, they crack their necks and adjust the tape on their wrists. Garrett and Miles both walk up the ring steps and wipe their feet before stepping into the ring. They walk towards the middle of the ring and each hold up two fingers (Garrett on his left, Miles on his right), forming the hand sign for peace, before getting into their corner and looking across at their opponents.
Upon checking Henry and Garrett who’ll start off the match, the referee (Mark Hill) calls for the match.
DING DING DING
Second Contest
Tag Team Division
The Hamilton Hitmen vs. The O’Hoodlums
This one is just a straight up squash, as Garrett and Miles just utterly obliterate the O’Hoodlums with catches, releases and suplexes galore! The match ends when Garrett tags Miles in, Miles goes to the second rope and they hit the Spike Piledriver on Henry O’Hoodlum for the pinfall.
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DING DING DING
Winners: The Hamilton Hitmen
The two brothers celebrate, as Henry O’Hoodlum gets carried out on a stretcher, his brother right beside him the entire way to the back. We then go to our next segment.
The music plays as Ai blows kisses and poses for the fans. She makes her way down to the ring giving high fives and handshakes to fans alike. She gets into the ring before slapping her butt and blowing a kiss one more time.
The Opening scattershot chugs of "Post-Truth" erupt to cheers and applause from the audience.
Emiko Suzuki appears from the back and raises her arms in the air as the song picks up energy.
She walks down to ringside waving at the crowd before sliding under the bottom rope and hoping to her feet and moving to her corner.
The official (Glenn Morgan) checks both women for foreign objects. When both come up clean, he signals for the bell.
DING DING DING
Third Contest
Women’s Division
Ai Moe vs. “Sugar Dragon” Emiko Suzuki
This contest is stiff as fuck (... *slap* STOP IT!!!!) and these two refuse to relent to the other! Kick for kick, strike for strike, catch for release for almost 20 minutes straight of these two just kicking each other’s asses, but it all comes to an end when Emiko gets Ai Moe to her feet and NAILS her with the Dream Weapon (Vertical suplex lifted and dropped into a double knee backbreaker) for the pin!
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DING DING DING
Winner: Emiko Suzuki
Post Match, Emiko helps Ai Moe to her feet and raises her hand for a hard fought match, and then bows. Once for Ai, and once for the audience, before heading to the back. Ai, though, needs some help as that Dream Weapon took a tremendous toll, it seems. Once both women are in the back, we go to our next segment.
On the big screen, Skeleskreem is shown standing backstage. He holds in his hand a piece of paper. It seems he’s prepared a statement of sorts. He reads aloud…
“Smelly Nelly and Pretty Boy Pete
Their wrestling styles stink worse than my FEET
If they keep going and do not retreat
Then I’ll have no choice but to bury them in sheet
Nelly and Pete will be totally beat
When they see what I have in store for them… yeet?
It will be more vicious than fans you may meet
At that damn dirty Meet and Greet
I have a secret, do I, Pete?
Pete, you too have a secret beat!
Tell one, tell all, I won’t repeat
Or else your life… won’t be complete”
At this point, he rolls up the piece of paper and puts it away in his jacket pocket. He pats the pocket a few times before speaking again.
“That is all… for now. NYYYYYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!!”
The footage ends. And then, no more than ten seconds later.
“Rip It Up” by Jet plays out Nelly Angel and Pete Patterson. They make their way down to the ring, acknowledging the fans. Nelly slides into the ring, and Pete climbs up onto the apron and wipes his feet before entering the ring. The two men then get into their corner and await their opponents.
“Shock Treatment” plays and Skeleskreem comes out… pulling a long leash with him. He YANKS the leash and out through the curtain, lumbers a HUGE Grizzly Bear! The fans scream and yell in shock as the bear moves down the ramp, and Nelly and Pete look as though they just shat themselves. Skeleskreem leads it down the ramp, and the fans screaming has seemingly frightened and irritated the big Grizzly, as it roars at the fans, causing them all to fucking scatter in fear. Skeleskreem calls for the mic and when he receives it…
“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my Tag Team partner for tonight… the FIRST FEMALE Wrestling Grizzly Bear, MAULER BEAR!!!!!!”
Skeleskreem leads Mauler up the ring apron, wipes his feet and enters the ring. He then removes the collar and (by proxy) the leash from the bear’s neck, and she waits on the apron while Skeleskreem talks trash to the legal man, Pete Patterson. The official (Mark Hill) checks both Skeleskreem (all the while nervously trying to get it over with to avoid the wrath of Mauler), before checking Pete Patterson. When both come up clean, he signals for the bell.
DING DING DING
Fourth Contest
Tag Team Division
The team of Nelly Angel and Pete Patterson vs. The team of Skeleskreem and Mauler Bear
This match is just one big ball of suspense, as it’s back and forth between the inexperienced Pete Patterson and the Precarious Poet, Skeleskreem. Skel tries to tag in his monstrous Grizzly Bear, but Pete manages to keep him in the ring. Whether it’s out of fear that the Mauler Bear will live up to her namesake, or it’s that he’s more advanced than the others in his class. The match comes to an end when Pete tags in Nelly and Nelly manages to keep Skeleskreem in the ring and he NAILS him with The Exclusive for the pinfall.
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DING DING DING
Winners: Nelly Angel and Pete Patterson
Nelly and Pete celebrate their win… but then, because the bell rings and the match is over, the big Grizzly enters an agitated state, develops a bad disposition and goes berserk. She chases Nelly and Pete to the back and when Skeleskreem is scooped up and swept to the back.
After a few minutes, El Barbaro comes out with almost zero fanfare. When he gets to the ring, he climbs up the ring apron, wipes his feet and enters the ring. He then waits for his opponent.
The low, growled-out vocalization of Alissa White-Gluz is the only warning that the audience gets before '...And Their Eulogies Sang Me To Sleep' rips into the sound system with a vengeance. There is no pomp nor circumstance as Taylor Geisler stalks her way out from behind the curtain, lips pulled into a sneer and hands reflexively opening and closing as her gaze locks on the ring. Sensing Taylor's hostility, the crowd is quick to rain boos down upon her as she makes her way to the ring, their hatred ignored. Geisler slides beneath the bottom rope and ascends to her feet, stalking her way over to her corner before turning around, hands taking hold of the ropes as she leans forward. A subconscious lick of her lips is hungrily done as her music fades. And El Barbaro shits himself…
The referee (Glenn Morgan) checks El Barbaro, who is frozen in fear, before trying to check Taylor, who doesn’t seem to cooperate and in fact, tries to bite the ref a few times. He manages to check her, before noping the fuck outta her business. He then calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
Fifth Contest
Taylor Geisler vs. El Barbaro
El Barbaro gets on his knees and BEGS Taylor not to hurt him. This obviously goes unheeded as she BOOTS him right in the face, before mounting him and just pummelling the poor guy to dust and he can do nothing but scream in agony and gurgles as his nose is bloodied and it seems the blood is going back down and to his throat. Eventually, the match is stopped when Taylor picks him up and NAILS Barbaro with Venan-Gone (Trapping her opponent's arms/shoulders if they're particularly tall, Taylor headbutts them in the face over and over and over again until they either submit and the ref forces her to let go... or they're knocked out cold, and the ref forces her to let go) and El Barbaro is declared unfit to continue.
DING DING DING
Winner: Taylor Geisler
But Taylor won’t relent, and she continues to beat the living FUCK outta Barbaro, before the referee has to intervene… but then, when tensions reach a boiling point…
A lightning bolt strikes the corner, and who would appear before our very eyes sitting on the ring apron…
“Good job, my dearest Taylor…”
At the sound of her name, almost like she’s been slightly pulled out of a trance, she turns around… and she sees exactly what we see. Jeffrey Shaw perched upon the turnbuckle. Not even the pad, but the ring post itself, his mouth stretched so far back into a grin that would put the Cheshire Cat to shame.
“I expect nothing less when we dance, dearest… GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE!!!!”
Taylor’s expression sours as Jeffrey’s sinister laughter fills the arena. She yells out and lunges for him… but before she gets anywhere near the turnbuckle, lightning strikes Shaw’s body and like that, he’s gone!
“HAHAHA!!! WHERE DID I GO, TAYLOR?!?! You can hear me… but you can’t SEE ME!!!! Is it all part of your twisted psyche... or is everyone else witnessing the MADNESS before them?! You'll never know!!! HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!”
As Shaw continues to laugh, Taylor’s frustration only grows and she lets out another scream… before turning her anger back on poor El Barbaro, picking him back up and once again traps him and NAILS him with several more headbutts, which the referee tries to step in and stop, but she doesn’t stop and (perhaps) can’t stop! Eventually, security comes down, with a group of EMTs. The security team gets fucking levelled and eventually, Taylor leaves and as she stalks back up the ramp, her eyes dart in the directions of various fans and when they do, those fans take the fuck off out of fear. The EMTs check on Barbaro and it looks like he’s gonna need a stay in the hospital. Once they get him out and the stagehands come out and clean up all the blood and saliva (from Taylor), we go to our next segment.
Out first comes the Special Guest Official, Jobber Joe, decked out in a ref shirt and striped tights, different from his normal pink and white ones… to a surprisingly big pop. It seems as though after that terrifying blood bath, the fans are delighted to see someone nice. Joe gives a nervous smile before waving to da people… and as he does so, that son of a bitch Andrew Jefferson Coughman comes out and pants’s him, revealing that he is not wearing underpants. AJC laughs, but Jobber Joe takes offense. He pulls his tights back up and grabs AJC, before dragging him down to the ring, throwing him in, sliding in himself and just punching AJC’s lights out!
He then winds up and... CHARGING UPPERCUT!!!! HE GETS IT AND AJC IS SENT FLYING INTO THE CROWD, WHERE HE GETS THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM BY THE GUY WHO LOOKS TO BE THE BOYFRIEND OF THAT STUDENT FROM EARLIER (in reality, it’s Georgia’s brother). Joe then prepares to ref this match.
“Everything You Know Is Wrong” hits and Skitzo! comes out onto the stage. He waves to the natives, and they go berzerk for the resident jobber. He makes his way down to the ring, and upon reaching ringside, he rolls into the ring. Skitzo! gets on the middle rope and waves to the audience, before stepping down and getting into his corner.
The nice tunes of the ukele begin to play over the speakers as the words of the song blare out over the uppity tune. The filthy scumbag loser we all hate comes out grasping his body pillow tightly. He comes out to the stage and looks around, slightly scared, slightly aroused. He makes his way down the ramp and into the ring, hearing a chorus of boos as he goes to his corner.
Joe then checks both Skitzo! and current YouTube champ, The Weeb, before holding up the YouTube championship belt. He then signals to the Timekeeper to call for the bell.
DING DING DING
Sixth Contest
Skitzo! vs. Weeaboo Jones
Special Referee: Jobber Joe
FWA YouTube championship
This one is just a fucking yarder’s paradise. Sloppy, lacking in psychology, and Jobber Joe is actually far more entertaining with his facial expressions and refereeing skills. The match comes to an end when Skitzo! nails The Weeb with the Butterfly DDT, and Jobber Joe goes to count it…
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3----NO!!!! Andrew Jefferson Coughman is back on his feet and he grabs Jobber Joe’s foot, dragging him out of the ring and just SLAPPING the PISS outta Jobber Joe, before throwing him into the solid steel barricade, knocking him out! He then takes the ref shirt off of Jobber Joe, puts it on himself and gets into the ring. Skitzo! confronts AJC… who SHOVES him, and The Weeb rolls him up, grabbing a handful of tights! On top of that…
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AJC pulls a fast count, and calls for the bell!
DING DING DING
The natives are restless, as AJC raises the hand of Weeaboo Jones. They nearly riot when Solomon Graham comes through the curtain, microphone in hand.
“WAIT JUST A GODDAMN MINUTE!!!! Coughman… you were not the official in this match, Jobber Joe was, and YOU took him out!! Not only that, but you laid hands on one of the competitors and assisted the other in his victory! Therefore, I have no choice but to rule your decision… as NULL AND VOID and to award the victory to Skitzo! via disqualification!!!!”
The natives pop big time and AJC has a conniption fit! Meanwhile, The Weeb looks distraught.
“While I’m at it, I have another call to make, since it seems our official is currently unable to make it… but I’m sure he’d agree.”
Graham clears his throat.
“At FWA’s Second Anniversary Event, Skitzo! WILL get his championship rematch against Weeaboo Jones! And for your troubles, Coughman, you’ll have to defend that “Gender Nonspecific championship of the World”... against an opponent of MY choice!!!”
The natives go wild again! “NOOOOOOO!!!!!!” AJC yells. “NOOOOOOOO!!!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!” AJC jumps around angrily. Weeaboo Jones looks fucking destroyed. He’s gotta defend against Skitzo! again. AJC, in a fit of rage… grabs the Weeb and SLAPS that Neck Brace (Dragon Sleeper) on him, making him pass out in a matter of exactly 60 seconds.
The natives grow restless again, but at this point, Jobber Joe has gotten back to his feet despite his apparent traumas, and he gets into the ring, stomping on AJC, before fighting off with him to the back much to the delight of the fans. Skitzo sits on the ring apron, distraught that he couldn’t win the belt tonight… but hopeful that he’ll capture it next time he fights The Weeb. He then gets off the apron, goes to the back, slapping the hands of the natives on the way. Eventually the stagehands come out and take the Weeb to the back, and we go to our next segment.
“Why Am I Like This?” plays and Alexandria Hernandez comes out. The former American Nightmare female representative fancies herself FWA Women’s championship material, as on her way down to the ring, she motions around her waist to where the championship would go. She slowly climbs the ring steps before stepping into the ring through the middle and bottom ropes. She then gets into her corner and awaits the champ.
“T-Shirt” by The Beaches hits and the lights in the arena go dark. Fog emanates from the entrance curtain and the entrance curtain bellows in the wind, as we see the figure of a large woman standing in a red light. She has one hand on her hip, and one arm flexing her muscles. When the music reaches such a point, she turns around and the lights come back up, with a BLINDING White Light, as she holds up four fingers on each hand and smiles at the crowd. This is Selena Firehouse, wife of Solomon Graham and female wrestling extraordinaire.
She makes her way down to the ring, the fans screaming her name. She high-fives the fans on the way to the ring. When she gets to the ring, she climbs up the ring steps, before wiping her feet. She then steps between the middle and bottom ropes. She then walks to the middle of the ring, before doing the same pose she did on the stage (one arm on her hip, other flexing her muscles) and smiling for the crowd.
The referee (Paige Mansfield) checks both women, both of them coming up clean. She then calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
Seventh Contest
FWA Women's championship
Selena Firehouse vs. Alexandria Hernandez
This one is a fucking slugfest brawl (as Selena’s matches tend to be), but of course, Alex manages to get her heat when she can, whether it’s by cheating, jawjacking with the fans or just by being such a C U Next Tuesday. The match ends when Selena NAILS Alex with the Butt Bop (Rear View), and it backs Hernandez into the ropes… but on the rebound, Selena leaps onto the middle rope and launches herself, NAILING Alex with The Bounds! (Middle Rope Springboard Crossbody), holding her down for the pin!
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DING DING DING
Winner: Selena Firehouse
Selena celebrates with the championship belt once again… but then, from the back comes Summer Page who is wielding something… IT’S A WOOD BOARD!!!! She slides into the ring and THWACKS Selena with the board, before picking up the championship belt and holding it above her head. She then throws it down at Selena’s feet and exits the ring. Security and EMTs come down once again to help Alex and Selena to the back. Once they’re in the back, we go to our next segment.
Jake Travis and Zen, the team known as High Score, make their way down to the ring as “How To Play (Melee)” plays them out. They’re exciting and the fans are into it. They slap the hands of the fans on their way to the ring, before they hop up onto the ring apron, wipe their feet and step into the ring. They then stretch out all their muscles and get into their corner. Zen steps out onto the apron and they await their opponents.
“DNA” by Joyner Lucas hits and The Apex Marvels hit the ring, running down and sliding into the ring. They look across at their opponents as the fans get rowdy, jeering and booing them. The Marvels pose in the middle of the ring, evil grins on their faces as they do. They then get into their corner and look across at their opponents. Donald steps to the outside, leaving Ian in the ring. Ian doesn’t seem to understand it, but Donald says “you’ll be fine. We are genetically superior to them, now show them why!”
From there, the official (Edgar Brown) checks both of the legal men. They both come up clean and he calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
Eighth Contest
Tag Team Division
The Apex Marvels vs. High Score
This one is relatively high impact, all things considered. Ian Dream gets most of the time in the ring, as he’s younger and fresher and he gets to show off what he knows, all the while his father is barking orders from the ring apron, telling him what to do. For some part of the match, Jake Travis and Zen split the ring and keep Ian in while his father is itching to get in there and fuck these two up.
Zen tries to end the match with the Crop Duster (Brainbuster) but Ian Dream gets out of it, makes the Tag and Donald Dream comes in. The intensity is insane. The fans know it, High Score knows it, and Donald Dream knows it. Dream just beats Zen all over the goddamn ring, beating the living FUCK out of him, before he tags Ian in and they NAIL Gorilla Warfare (Double Underhook DDT by Donald Dream assisted by Ian Dream).
Donald then SMACKS Jake Travis off the apron and follows him to the outside before getting heat on him, while Ian Dream picks up the pinfall.
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DING DING DING
Winners: The Apex Marvels
Post Match, The Dreams continue to get heat on the members of High Score, Donald and Ian trying to hit their respective finishers… but then, out from the back, the cavalry makes the save in the form of The Hamilton Hitmen! They hit the ring, but The Apex Marvels take a powder before they can get to ‘em! From there, The Hitmen help High Score to their feet and to the back, which allows us to go to our main event.
“Skeleton Key” plays over the PA system and we hear these words open the song...
"In another life, another place... there was a shadow without a face.
I could see... the survivors, were few...
Memories to which I cling, things I do and songs I sing...
They all... bring me back, to you..."
Then, after the intro ends and we hit the chorus, out from the curtain comes Solomon Graham, to nothing but cheers and applause. We see that Solomon has a roll of white hockey tape in his left hand, but soon he transfers the roll of tape to the other hand, before slowly raising it high in the air (to a massive pop, of course). He puts his hands on his hips before smirking and shaking his head in disbelief. After all he’s been through, all the grief and turmoil, and especially those devastating losses… the fans remain loyal to him. He then proceeds to take a strip of tape from the roll and wrap his right wrist up in tape.
After wrapping it in about five layers of tape, he then turns it diagonally and proceeds to also wrap his knuckles in tape as well, all the while slowly and methodically walking towards the ring. He then bites the tape in two, wrapping the strip still connected to the roll back on and wrapping the strip attached to him around the knuckle, before driving his right hand directly into his open left hand and walking to the ring, on the way stopping to play to the fans, letting them know that they are “ENTIRELY too quiet!!” before pumping them up.
Once we hear some noise from them, he yells once again: “C’MON, I CAN’T FUCKIN’ HEAR YA!!!!” at which point the roof blows off the place. He then climbs the ring steps onto the apron, before wiping his feet. He then steps into the ring, gets into his corner and stares across at his opponent.
We see two guys come out and roll out a red carpet. Then, Ghost’s “Majesty” plays, and everyone boos, knowing what comes next. Out comes Cliff Maxwell, who is wearing his trademark scarf, shades and the EHWF Jr. Heavyweight championship around his waist. We see that he is not only surrounded by pretty girls but we also see that the Paparazzi is following him. He makes his way down to the ring, going for high fives from the fans, but pulls away at the last minute, causing hatred from the fans. He climbs the ring steps, wipes his feet on the ring apron and steps through the ropes. He then climbs the turnbuckle and does the universally known gesture for “Up Yours!!” before jumping off the turnbuckle, spinning in mid air, landing feet first and facing the turnbuckle opposite him and leaning against the turnbuckle he just jumped from.
He removes the belt from his waist before handing it off to the ref… but he holds on, before warning the referee.
“Old man, this belt is more important than your whole life! If I find as much as a SCRATCH on this belt, I’ll SUE you for everything you’ve got, you understand me?!”
The natives boo, but Edgar is terrified and so he nods and is extra careful with it. He brings it to Solomon, who pats the belt with his right hand. Cliff loses his mind.
“DON’T YOU LET HIM TOUCH THAT!!!! His hands are FILTHY, they are NOT to touch MY BELT!!!!”
Graham looks, annoyed at Cliff’s outburst… but relents, holding up his hands. Edgar then holds the belt up for the fans to see, before calling for the bell and handing it off to the timekeeper.
DING DING DING
Main Event Contest
EHWF Jr. Heavyweight championship
Solomon Graham vs. Cliff Maxwell
This one is just a straightforward wrestling match. They open with the lockup and Cliff shines Graham up like a brand new penny. He puts a cape on the man ‘cause let’s face it, Graham is basically the Jr. Heavyweight Superman! Then, as Graham is about to finish the job, Cliff CHEATS like the criminal he is, and he gets some heat on him! Cliff chokes him, beats him, does whatever he can to break the Scarborough native’s spirit and send the natives home pissy! You can bet that when Cliff is done with him, Graham’s gonna be crying for his mama!
Then, as Cliff goes for it, the finisher he’s now dubbed the Magnum Opus, that dread Million Dollar Dream, Graham reverses it and now, the worm is turned! Graham blows his comeback! Smack after smack, and the natives are going wild! Graham hits him with nine BEAUTIFUL Elbow Strikes, before doing a discus turn and NAILING a tenth, and he goes for the pin…
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But NO!!!! Cliff gets his foot on the ropes!
Graham gets up, sure that it was three, but Edgar says “No! It was two! He got his foot on the ropes!” At this point, Cliff is slowly getting to his feet, that slimy, grEASY, snivelling SNAKE. He seizes the opportunity and he shoves Graham right into the senior citizen referee, and he goes down! Cliff then reaches into his trunks and he pulls out a pair of brass knucks! He turns and goes to strike Graham with ‘em, but Graham blocks and counters with a smack across the face, but he snatches the knucks as Cliff flies back into the corner! He stumbles forward and Graham snatches him up, ready to punch him with the knucks! At this moment, Edgar is getting up, but Graham doesn’t see it! As Edgar’s head turns up to see what’s happening, Cliff PUNTS Graham right between the legs and Graham goes down! Edgar, having seen what just happened, calls for a disqualification and orders that the bell be rung!
DING DING DING
Winner: Solomon Graham by disqualification
But it ain’t over! The animosity between these two is now at an all time high, as Cliff continues to stomp down on poor Graham, taking the belt and grinding it in Graham’s face, saying…
“THIS is as close as you’re EVER gonna get to this belt! You are NOT a champion!! You are NOT the face of a company!! All you are is GARBAGE!!! YOU HEAR ME?!?! GARBAGE!!!!”
At that moment, the cavalry makes the save in the form of Eddie Evans… but Cliff takes a powder before Eddie can get to him, and high tails it to the back before the natives riot. Eddie checks on his friend, before helping him to his feet. He raises his hand for a match well fought, and the fans cheer for Solomon! The two then make their way to the back as the show comes to a close, and the fans begin to make their exit from the room.
Live from U of T Scarborough
April 30th, 2021
_______________________________________________________________________
The show opens, and in the ring sits a mysterious stool with a black cloth over it. Suddenly, “Skeleton Key” hits and Solomon Graham comes down to the ring in his street clothes. He smiles for the Scarborough crowd and waves to them. Upon reaching the ring, he climbs up the steps and wipes his feet on the apron before stepping into the ring. He calls for a mic and receives one.
“Scarborough… HOW ARE WE DOING TONIGHT, HUH?!?!?”
And the natives go wild.
“That’s fuckin’ awesome!! It’s been a while since we’ve been here, at U of T Scarborough. We did the first two SHW events here, and I could not be more grateful that we got the chance to come back here again, even if it’s just for one night only! Now… down to business. I have a special announcement to make here tonight, and it’ll go live on our YouTube channel! Can I get a volunteer from the audience to come and help me stream this?”
A bunch of fans, both male and female, start clamoring for the chance to get in the ring. Graham looks at them all, turning his head from left to right, milking the shit outta this… before eventually, he picks a young lad out from the crowd.
“You!!”
The lad picked is a fat guy with black hair and black rimmed glasses. He looks like he’d have a hard time getting into the ring… and it seems he does. Graham shakes this kid’s hand when he’s in the ring.
“Now… what’s your name?”
“Uhhh, Colin, sir!”
“Colin? Good to meet you! All I need you to do…”
Graham reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cellphone. He hands it to Colin (Lowe).
“...is hit “Stream” when I say. It’s YouTube.”
Colin (Lowe) nods.
“Okay!”
Graham smiles and Colin takes the phone, going into the YouTube app. Meanwhile, Graham turns to the crowd.
“Now, just remember… ARE WE LIVE?!?!?”
He points to the fans, and they all give a loud “YES!!! YES!!!!” in response. Never did you ever see a more in sync crowd/wrestling promotion connection. Eventually…
“Okay, and we are LIVE!!!”
“Okay!”
With that, Graham cuts a reveal promo. Here’s the result of that (please read, it's muy importante):
docs.google.com/document/d/17FqNUv7-MxRScHLsTanqyY4odvGgewouhLGkGsQzSrE/edit?usp=sharing
When the stream ends, Graham says…
“Hey, let's have a big round of applause for Colin, everybody!”
The natives go wild, and Colin blushes, before exiting the ring and returning to his seat. From there…
“But that’s not all I came out here for…”
Graham pauses, walking towards the ropes, leaning on the top rope as he speaks.
“My opponent tonight, Extreme Hardcore Wrestling Federation Jr. Heavyweight champion Cliff Maxwell, has betrayed our former friendship and attempted to make my life HELL!! And now, here tonight, I’m seeking revenge! Tonight, in a governed match, I will fight Cliff Maxwell for the EHWF Jr. Heavyweight championship!!!”
The fans go wild… and then…
“Majesty” hits and the good vibes are killed and reanimated as hateful vibes, the zombies of the vibe universe! Cliff Maxwell makes his way out, dressed in a fine suit with the scarf around his neck. He holds the EHWF Jr Heavyweight championship belt in his left arm as he makes his way down to the ring. Upon reaching the ring, he climbs up the ring steps, wipes his feet on the apron and talks trash to Graham, all the while. He enters the ring and snatches the mic away from Graham.
“You think you can go behind my back and get me in a title match? Huh? I AM the EHWF, I basically OWN the EHWF! You can’t just slip this past me! But fine… you want this title match? Looks like you’ve got it… but wait? You’ve got a Jr. Heavyweight title, too, don’t you? Why don’t you put yours on the line? Why do I have to put mine up?”
Sol takes the mic back.
“Because I'll be honest, I don’t even want the EWS Jr. Heavyweight belt anymore. You notice I neglect to take it with me anywhere? It’s because I fucking hate what it represents and I will never present garbage like EWS to MY audience, I VOW it!!!”
Big pop from the natives.
“You want the EWS Jr. belt because you know you could never lace my fucking boots and you’ve always wanted what I’ve had! But the EHWF belt? We both want it, we both need it and we’re both foaming at the mouth for the chance to have it. As such, we’re gonna kick each other's asses all over this university until one of us stops breathing!!!”
The natives go wild! Cliff sneers.
“Now… I’m as tough as a stubborn erection. I can take a licking, keep on ticking and that’s been evidenced by the kind of matches I’ve fought in. From being run down by highway traffic in FWA’s first Roadkill Match, to having my head bashed into solid steel in both the Trip To Oblivion match, to being electrocuted in the Electric Prison, I’ve survived a lot to make it to this point and to get my federation on the fuckin’ map! So, here’s a question I know you have no answer for… how much of all that have you survived?”
At that point, Cliff’s had enough, and he tries to SMACK Graham with the belt… but Graham ducks and clotheslines him right over the top rope!! In the process, Cliff dropped the belt, leaving it in the ring. Graham picks it up and holds it high above his head. He then brings it down and looks at it.
“Y’know… I think this looks right, me and this belt. I may very well hang onto it…”
“NO!!!! That belt is MY property, I invested exactly $25,000 into that and I will NOT have MY worth being DEVALUED because GARBAGE decided to lay hands upon MY property!!! Give it back or I’ll SUE you for everything you’ve got!!”
Graham looks at Cliff, before looking at the belt… and he then folds it up and calmly walks it over and hands it to Cliff… who goes to the back to get dressed.
“With that, folks… let’s get this party started, huh?!”
And the natives go wild!! From there, Graham’s music hits and he goes to the back to get changed.
“Man On The Moon” plays and AJC walks down to the ring with the belt. He wipes his feet and enters the ring, before getting on the mic and cutting a promo.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I look at each and every single one of you and all I see are a bunch of FAT, DISGUSTING PIGS!!!!”
He stops to let the fans boo him, and it builds to a chant of “YOU’RE A FUCK-HEAD!” *clap clap, clap clap clap* “YOU’RE A FUCK-HEAD!” *clap clap, clap clap clap*
“As a result… I have no choice… but to go on ahead and give you all… a HYGIENE LESSON!!!”
Booing from the fans. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little box. He holds it up.
“This, my Scarborough audience, is what we in Scientology call a Bar Of Soap. Say it with me, I’ll repeat it slowly… BAR. OF. SOAP.”
Booing from the fans.
“Now… what you do with this is you turn the water on and then, what you do is you wet the bar of soap under the water… and then you take the bar of soap and you wash your hands with it like this!”
He then does the motion of rubbing the soap in a circular pattern on his hands. The natives are getting restless and eventually, an angry fan (a young lady looking to be in her early 20s. Blonde and beautiful, looking like she just got out of her college class. She has a pair of black yoga pants on, a grey Deadpool tank top, a pair of Nike sandals, black rim glasses and a Toronto Blue Jays baseball cap. (In reality, student Georgia Whittmaier was planted in the audience to fight Coughman tonight). She enters the ring underneath the bottom rope and YANKS AJC around to face her, before SHOVING him to the ground and DEMANDING to fight him for the title! AJC laughs as he slowly pulls himself to his feet.
“You wanna tangle with ME? For MY Gender Nonspecific championship of the world?”
“YEAH! I DO!”
“Well then, sweetheart…”
AJC gets up to his feet.
“REF… ring the goddamn bell!”
DING DING DING
Opening Contest
Andrew Jefferson Coughman defends the Gender Nonspecific Championship of the World against a college student
This one is just all out bad grappling and hair pulling and stuff. Once again, it ends when AJC locks the young girl in the Neck Brace, and she’s immediately out.
DING DING DING
Winner (and STILL champion): Andrew Jefferson Coughman
AJC gets up and stomps down on her, kicking her neck as he gloats about his big win, stating that “I AM FROM HOLLYWOOD, I HAVE THE BRAINS…” ...but then, out from the back runs Jobber Joe, who slides into the ring and chases Coughman out of the ring to a big pop. He checks on the young girl and after he and the referee (Glenn Morgan) get her out of the ring and to the back to be checked on by medical staff, we go to our next segment
The stagehands get everything cleared up, and then, after sweeping up the ring...
The O’Hoodlum brothers come down to the ring as “All The Small Things” plays them out. They jawjack with the fans and almost start a fuckin riot! They roll into the ring underneath the bottom rope and when they get to their feet, they wipe them on the canvas, leaving smears of dirt from their shoes on the mat, before getting into their corner.
“Into Hell Again” hits and out come Garrett and Miles Harrison, the duo of brothers known as the Hamilton Hitmen. They give each other a fist bump before making their way down to the ring. As they walk down the ramp, they crack their necks and adjust the tape on their wrists. Garrett and Miles both walk up the ring steps and wipe their feet before stepping into the ring. They walk towards the middle of the ring and each hold up two fingers (Garrett on his left, Miles on his right), forming the hand sign for peace, before getting into their corner and looking across at their opponents.
Upon checking Henry and Garrett who’ll start off the match, the referee (Mark Hill) calls for the match.
DING DING DING
Second Contest
Tag Team Division
The Hamilton Hitmen vs. The O’Hoodlums
This one is just a straight up squash, as Garrett and Miles just utterly obliterate the O’Hoodlums with catches, releases and suplexes galore! The match ends when Garrett tags Miles in, Miles goes to the second rope and they hit the Spike Piledriver on Henry O’Hoodlum for the pinfall.
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DING DING DING
Winners: The Hamilton Hitmen
The two brothers celebrate, as Henry O’Hoodlum gets carried out on a stretcher, his brother right beside him the entire way to the back. We then go to our next segment.
The music plays as Ai blows kisses and poses for the fans. She makes her way down to the ring giving high fives and handshakes to fans alike. She gets into the ring before slapping her butt and blowing a kiss one more time.
The Opening scattershot chugs of "Post-Truth" erupt to cheers and applause from the audience.
Emiko Suzuki appears from the back and raises her arms in the air as the song picks up energy.
She walks down to ringside waving at the crowd before sliding under the bottom rope and hoping to her feet and moving to her corner.
The official (Glenn Morgan) checks both women for foreign objects. When both come up clean, he signals for the bell.
DING DING DING
Third Contest
Women’s Division
Ai Moe vs. “Sugar Dragon” Emiko Suzuki
This contest is stiff as fuck (... *slap* STOP IT!!!!) and these two refuse to relent to the other! Kick for kick, strike for strike, catch for release for almost 20 minutes straight of these two just kicking each other’s asses, but it all comes to an end when Emiko gets Ai Moe to her feet and NAILS her with the Dream Weapon (Vertical suplex lifted and dropped into a double knee backbreaker) for the pin!
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DING DING DING
Winner: Emiko Suzuki
Post Match, Emiko helps Ai Moe to her feet and raises her hand for a hard fought match, and then bows. Once for Ai, and once for the audience, before heading to the back. Ai, though, needs some help as that Dream Weapon took a tremendous toll, it seems. Once both women are in the back, we go to our next segment.
On the big screen, Skeleskreem is shown standing backstage. He holds in his hand a piece of paper. It seems he’s prepared a statement of sorts. He reads aloud…
“Smelly Nelly and Pretty Boy Pete
Their wrestling styles stink worse than my FEET
If they keep going and do not retreat
Then I’ll have no choice but to bury them in sheet
Nelly and Pete will be totally beat
When they see what I have in store for them… yeet?
It will be more vicious than fans you may meet
At that damn dirty Meet and Greet
I have a secret, do I, Pete?
Pete, you too have a secret beat!
Tell one, tell all, I won’t repeat
Or else your life… won’t be complete”
At this point, he rolls up the piece of paper and puts it away in his jacket pocket. He pats the pocket a few times before speaking again.
“That is all… for now. NYYYYYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!!”
The footage ends. And then, no more than ten seconds later.
“Rip It Up” by Jet plays out Nelly Angel and Pete Patterson. They make their way down to the ring, acknowledging the fans. Nelly slides into the ring, and Pete climbs up onto the apron and wipes his feet before entering the ring. The two men then get into their corner and await their opponents.
“Shock Treatment” plays and Skeleskreem comes out… pulling a long leash with him. He YANKS the leash and out through the curtain, lumbers a HUGE Grizzly Bear! The fans scream and yell in shock as the bear moves down the ramp, and Nelly and Pete look as though they just shat themselves. Skeleskreem leads it down the ramp, and the fans screaming has seemingly frightened and irritated the big Grizzly, as it roars at the fans, causing them all to fucking scatter in fear. Skeleskreem calls for the mic and when he receives it…
“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my Tag Team partner for tonight… the FIRST FEMALE Wrestling Grizzly Bear, MAULER BEAR!!!!!!”
Skeleskreem leads Mauler up the ring apron, wipes his feet and enters the ring. He then removes the collar and (by proxy) the leash from the bear’s neck, and she waits on the apron while Skeleskreem talks trash to the legal man, Pete Patterson. The official (Mark Hill) checks both Skeleskreem (all the while nervously trying to get it over with to avoid the wrath of Mauler), before checking Pete Patterson. When both come up clean, he signals for the bell.
DING DING DING
Fourth Contest
Tag Team Division
The team of Nelly Angel and Pete Patterson vs. The team of Skeleskreem and Mauler Bear
This match is just one big ball of suspense, as it’s back and forth between the inexperienced Pete Patterson and the Precarious Poet, Skeleskreem. Skel tries to tag in his monstrous Grizzly Bear, but Pete manages to keep him in the ring. Whether it’s out of fear that the Mauler Bear will live up to her namesake, or it’s that he’s more advanced than the others in his class. The match comes to an end when Pete tags in Nelly and Nelly manages to keep Skeleskreem in the ring and he NAILS him with The Exclusive for the pinfall.
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DING DING DING
Winners: Nelly Angel and Pete Patterson
Nelly and Pete celebrate their win… but then, because the bell rings and the match is over, the big Grizzly enters an agitated state, develops a bad disposition and goes berserk. She chases Nelly and Pete to the back and when Skeleskreem is scooped up and swept to the back.
After a few minutes, El Barbaro comes out with almost zero fanfare. When he gets to the ring, he climbs up the ring apron, wipes his feet and enters the ring. He then waits for his opponent.
The low, growled-out vocalization of Alissa White-Gluz is the only warning that the audience gets before '...And Their Eulogies Sang Me To Sleep' rips into the sound system with a vengeance. There is no pomp nor circumstance as Taylor Geisler stalks her way out from behind the curtain, lips pulled into a sneer and hands reflexively opening and closing as her gaze locks on the ring. Sensing Taylor's hostility, the crowd is quick to rain boos down upon her as she makes her way to the ring, their hatred ignored. Geisler slides beneath the bottom rope and ascends to her feet, stalking her way over to her corner before turning around, hands taking hold of the ropes as she leans forward. A subconscious lick of her lips is hungrily done as her music fades. And El Barbaro shits himself…
The referee (Glenn Morgan) checks El Barbaro, who is frozen in fear, before trying to check Taylor, who doesn’t seem to cooperate and in fact, tries to bite the ref a few times. He manages to check her, before noping the fuck outta her business. He then calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
Fifth Contest
Taylor Geisler vs. El Barbaro
El Barbaro gets on his knees and BEGS Taylor not to hurt him. This obviously goes unheeded as she BOOTS him right in the face, before mounting him and just pummelling the poor guy to dust and he can do nothing but scream in agony and gurgles as his nose is bloodied and it seems the blood is going back down and to his throat. Eventually, the match is stopped when Taylor picks him up and NAILS Barbaro with Venan-Gone (Trapping her opponent's arms/shoulders if they're particularly tall, Taylor headbutts them in the face over and over and over again until they either submit and the ref forces her to let go... or they're knocked out cold, and the ref forces her to let go) and El Barbaro is declared unfit to continue.
DING DING DING
Winner: Taylor Geisler
But Taylor won’t relent, and she continues to beat the living FUCK outta Barbaro, before the referee has to intervene… but then, when tensions reach a boiling point…
A lightning bolt strikes the corner, and who would appear before our very eyes sitting on the ring apron…
“Good job, my dearest Taylor…”
At the sound of her name, almost like she’s been slightly pulled out of a trance, she turns around… and she sees exactly what we see. Jeffrey Shaw perched upon the turnbuckle. Not even the pad, but the ring post itself, his mouth stretched so far back into a grin that would put the Cheshire Cat to shame.
“I expect nothing less when we dance, dearest… GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE!!!!”
Taylor’s expression sours as Jeffrey’s sinister laughter fills the arena. She yells out and lunges for him… but before she gets anywhere near the turnbuckle, lightning strikes Shaw’s body and like that, he’s gone!
“HAHAHA!!! WHERE DID I GO, TAYLOR?!?! You can hear me… but you can’t SEE ME!!!! Is it all part of your twisted psyche... or is everyone else witnessing the MADNESS before them?! You'll never know!!! HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!”
As Shaw continues to laugh, Taylor’s frustration only grows and she lets out another scream… before turning her anger back on poor El Barbaro, picking him back up and once again traps him and NAILS him with several more headbutts, which the referee tries to step in and stop, but she doesn’t stop and (perhaps) can’t stop! Eventually, security comes down, with a group of EMTs. The security team gets fucking levelled and eventually, Taylor leaves and as she stalks back up the ramp, her eyes dart in the directions of various fans and when they do, those fans take the fuck off out of fear. The EMTs check on Barbaro and it looks like he’s gonna need a stay in the hospital. Once they get him out and the stagehands come out and clean up all the blood and saliva (from Taylor), we go to our next segment.
Out first comes the Special Guest Official, Jobber Joe, decked out in a ref shirt and striped tights, different from his normal pink and white ones… to a surprisingly big pop. It seems as though after that terrifying blood bath, the fans are delighted to see someone nice. Joe gives a nervous smile before waving to da people… and as he does so, that son of a bitch Andrew Jefferson Coughman comes out and pants’s him, revealing that he is not wearing underpants. AJC laughs, but Jobber Joe takes offense. He pulls his tights back up and grabs AJC, before dragging him down to the ring, throwing him in, sliding in himself and just punching AJC’s lights out!
He then winds up and... CHARGING UPPERCUT!!!! HE GETS IT AND AJC IS SENT FLYING INTO THE CROWD, WHERE HE GETS THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM BY THE GUY WHO LOOKS TO BE THE BOYFRIEND OF THAT STUDENT FROM EARLIER (in reality, it’s Georgia’s brother). Joe then prepares to ref this match.
“Everything You Know Is Wrong” hits and Skitzo! comes out onto the stage. He waves to the natives, and they go berzerk for the resident jobber. He makes his way down to the ring, and upon reaching ringside, he rolls into the ring. Skitzo! gets on the middle rope and waves to the audience, before stepping down and getting into his corner.
The nice tunes of the ukele begin to play over the speakers as the words of the song blare out over the uppity tune. The filthy scumbag loser we all hate comes out grasping his body pillow tightly. He comes out to the stage and looks around, slightly scared, slightly aroused. He makes his way down the ramp and into the ring, hearing a chorus of boos as he goes to his corner.
Joe then checks both Skitzo! and current YouTube champ, The Weeb, before holding up the YouTube championship belt. He then signals to the Timekeeper to call for the bell.
DING DING DING
Sixth Contest
Skitzo! vs. Weeaboo Jones
Special Referee: Jobber Joe
FWA YouTube championship
This one is just a fucking yarder’s paradise. Sloppy, lacking in psychology, and Jobber Joe is actually far more entertaining with his facial expressions and refereeing skills. The match comes to an end when Skitzo! nails The Weeb with the Butterfly DDT, and Jobber Joe goes to count it…
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3----NO!!!! Andrew Jefferson Coughman is back on his feet and he grabs Jobber Joe’s foot, dragging him out of the ring and just SLAPPING the PISS outta Jobber Joe, before throwing him into the solid steel barricade, knocking him out! He then takes the ref shirt off of Jobber Joe, puts it on himself and gets into the ring. Skitzo! confronts AJC… who SHOVES him, and The Weeb rolls him up, grabbing a handful of tights! On top of that…
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AJC pulls a fast count, and calls for the bell!
DING DING DING
The natives are restless, as AJC raises the hand of Weeaboo Jones. They nearly riot when Solomon Graham comes through the curtain, microphone in hand.
“WAIT JUST A GODDAMN MINUTE!!!! Coughman… you were not the official in this match, Jobber Joe was, and YOU took him out!! Not only that, but you laid hands on one of the competitors and assisted the other in his victory! Therefore, I have no choice but to rule your decision… as NULL AND VOID and to award the victory to Skitzo! via disqualification!!!!”
The natives pop big time and AJC has a conniption fit! Meanwhile, The Weeb looks distraught.
“While I’m at it, I have another call to make, since it seems our official is currently unable to make it… but I’m sure he’d agree.”
Graham clears his throat.
“At FWA’s Second Anniversary Event, Skitzo! WILL get his championship rematch against Weeaboo Jones! And for your troubles, Coughman, you’ll have to defend that “Gender Nonspecific championship of the World”... against an opponent of MY choice!!!”
The natives go wild again! “NOOOOOOO!!!!!!” AJC yells. “NOOOOOOOO!!!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!” AJC jumps around angrily. Weeaboo Jones looks fucking destroyed. He’s gotta defend against Skitzo! again. AJC, in a fit of rage… grabs the Weeb and SLAPS that Neck Brace (Dragon Sleeper) on him, making him pass out in a matter of exactly 60 seconds.
The natives grow restless again, but at this point, Jobber Joe has gotten back to his feet despite his apparent traumas, and he gets into the ring, stomping on AJC, before fighting off with him to the back much to the delight of the fans. Skitzo sits on the ring apron, distraught that he couldn’t win the belt tonight… but hopeful that he’ll capture it next time he fights The Weeb. He then gets off the apron, goes to the back, slapping the hands of the natives on the way. Eventually the stagehands come out and take the Weeb to the back, and we go to our next segment.
“Why Am I Like This?” plays and Alexandria Hernandez comes out. The former American Nightmare female representative fancies herself FWA Women’s championship material, as on her way down to the ring, she motions around her waist to where the championship would go. She slowly climbs the ring steps before stepping into the ring through the middle and bottom ropes. She then gets into her corner and awaits the champ.
“T-Shirt” by The Beaches hits and the lights in the arena go dark. Fog emanates from the entrance curtain and the entrance curtain bellows in the wind, as we see the figure of a large woman standing in a red light. She has one hand on her hip, and one arm flexing her muscles. When the music reaches such a point, she turns around and the lights come back up, with a BLINDING White Light, as she holds up four fingers on each hand and smiles at the crowd. This is Selena Firehouse, wife of Solomon Graham and female wrestling extraordinaire.
She makes her way down to the ring, the fans screaming her name. She high-fives the fans on the way to the ring. When she gets to the ring, she climbs up the ring steps, before wiping her feet. She then steps between the middle and bottom ropes. She then walks to the middle of the ring, before doing the same pose she did on the stage (one arm on her hip, other flexing her muscles) and smiling for the crowd.
The referee (Paige Mansfield) checks both women, both of them coming up clean. She then calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
Seventh Contest
FWA Women's championship
Selena Firehouse vs. Alexandria Hernandez
This one is a fucking slugfest brawl (as Selena’s matches tend to be), but of course, Alex manages to get her heat when she can, whether it’s by cheating, jawjacking with the fans or just by being such a C U Next Tuesday. The match ends when Selena NAILS Alex with the Butt Bop (Rear View), and it backs Hernandez into the ropes… but on the rebound, Selena leaps onto the middle rope and launches herself, NAILING Alex with The Bounds! (Middle Rope Springboard Crossbody), holding her down for the pin!
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DING DING DING
Winner: Selena Firehouse
Selena celebrates with the championship belt once again… but then, from the back comes Summer Page who is wielding something… IT’S A WOOD BOARD!!!! She slides into the ring and THWACKS Selena with the board, before picking up the championship belt and holding it above her head. She then throws it down at Selena’s feet and exits the ring. Security and EMTs come down once again to help Alex and Selena to the back. Once they’re in the back, we go to our next segment.
Jake Travis and Zen, the team known as High Score, make their way down to the ring as “How To Play (Melee)” plays them out. They’re exciting and the fans are into it. They slap the hands of the fans on their way to the ring, before they hop up onto the ring apron, wipe their feet and step into the ring. They then stretch out all their muscles and get into their corner. Zen steps out onto the apron and they await their opponents.
“DNA” by Joyner Lucas hits and The Apex Marvels hit the ring, running down and sliding into the ring. They look across at their opponents as the fans get rowdy, jeering and booing them. The Marvels pose in the middle of the ring, evil grins on their faces as they do. They then get into their corner and look across at their opponents. Donald steps to the outside, leaving Ian in the ring. Ian doesn’t seem to understand it, but Donald says “you’ll be fine. We are genetically superior to them, now show them why!”
From there, the official (Edgar Brown) checks both of the legal men. They both come up clean and he calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
Eighth Contest
Tag Team Division
The Apex Marvels vs. High Score
This one is relatively high impact, all things considered. Ian Dream gets most of the time in the ring, as he’s younger and fresher and he gets to show off what he knows, all the while his father is barking orders from the ring apron, telling him what to do. For some part of the match, Jake Travis and Zen split the ring and keep Ian in while his father is itching to get in there and fuck these two up.
Zen tries to end the match with the Crop Duster (Brainbuster) but Ian Dream gets out of it, makes the Tag and Donald Dream comes in. The intensity is insane. The fans know it, High Score knows it, and Donald Dream knows it. Dream just beats Zen all over the goddamn ring, beating the living FUCK out of him, before he tags Ian in and they NAIL Gorilla Warfare (Double Underhook DDT by Donald Dream assisted by Ian Dream).
Donald then SMACKS Jake Travis off the apron and follows him to the outside before getting heat on him, while Ian Dream picks up the pinfall.
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DING DING DING
Winners: The Apex Marvels
Post Match, The Dreams continue to get heat on the members of High Score, Donald and Ian trying to hit their respective finishers… but then, out from the back, the cavalry makes the save in the form of The Hamilton Hitmen! They hit the ring, but The Apex Marvels take a powder before they can get to ‘em! From there, The Hitmen help High Score to their feet and to the back, which allows us to go to our main event.
“Skeleton Key” plays over the PA system and we hear these words open the song...
"In another life, another place... there was a shadow without a face.
I could see... the survivors, were few...
Memories to which I cling, things I do and songs I sing...
They all... bring me back, to you..."
Then, after the intro ends and we hit the chorus, out from the curtain comes Solomon Graham, to nothing but cheers and applause. We see that Solomon has a roll of white hockey tape in his left hand, but soon he transfers the roll of tape to the other hand, before slowly raising it high in the air (to a massive pop, of course). He puts his hands on his hips before smirking and shaking his head in disbelief. After all he’s been through, all the grief and turmoil, and especially those devastating losses… the fans remain loyal to him. He then proceeds to take a strip of tape from the roll and wrap his right wrist up in tape.
After wrapping it in about five layers of tape, he then turns it diagonally and proceeds to also wrap his knuckles in tape as well, all the while slowly and methodically walking towards the ring. He then bites the tape in two, wrapping the strip still connected to the roll back on and wrapping the strip attached to him around the knuckle, before driving his right hand directly into his open left hand and walking to the ring, on the way stopping to play to the fans, letting them know that they are “ENTIRELY too quiet!!” before pumping them up.
Once we hear some noise from them, he yells once again: “C’MON, I CAN’T FUCKIN’ HEAR YA!!!!” at which point the roof blows off the place. He then climbs the ring steps onto the apron, before wiping his feet. He then steps into the ring, gets into his corner and stares across at his opponent.
We see two guys come out and roll out a red carpet. Then, Ghost’s “Majesty” plays, and everyone boos, knowing what comes next. Out comes Cliff Maxwell, who is wearing his trademark scarf, shades and the EHWF Jr. Heavyweight championship around his waist. We see that he is not only surrounded by pretty girls but we also see that the Paparazzi is following him. He makes his way down to the ring, going for high fives from the fans, but pulls away at the last minute, causing hatred from the fans. He climbs the ring steps, wipes his feet on the ring apron and steps through the ropes. He then climbs the turnbuckle and does the universally known gesture for “Up Yours!!” before jumping off the turnbuckle, spinning in mid air, landing feet first and facing the turnbuckle opposite him and leaning against the turnbuckle he just jumped from.
He removes the belt from his waist before handing it off to the ref… but he holds on, before warning the referee.
“Old man, this belt is more important than your whole life! If I find as much as a SCRATCH on this belt, I’ll SUE you for everything you’ve got, you understand me?!”
The natives boo, but Edgar is terrified and so he nods and is extra careful with it. He brings it to Solomon, who pats the belt with his right hand. Cliff loses his mind.
“DON’T YOU LET HIM TOUCH THAT!!!! His hands are FILTHY, they are NOT to touch MY BELT!!!!”
Graham looks, annoyed at Cliff’s outburst… but relents, holding up his hands. Edgar then holds the belt up for the fans to see, before calling for the bell and handing it off to the timekeeper.
DING DING DING
Main Event Contest
EHWF Jr. Heavyweight championship
Solomon Graham vs. Cliff Maxwell
This one is just a straightforward wrestling match. They open with the lockup and Cliff shines Graham up like a brand new penny. He puts a cape on the man ‘cause let’s face it, Graham is basically the Jr. Heavyweight Superman! Then, as Graham is about to finish the job, Cliff CHEATS like the criminal he is, and he gets some heat on him! Cliff chokes him, beats him, does whatever he can to break the Scarborough native’s spirit and send the natives home pissy! You can bet that when Cliff is done with him, Graham’s gonna be crying for his mama!
Then, as Cliff goes for it, the finisher he’s now dubbed the Magnum Opus, that dread Million Dollar Dream, Graham reverses it and now, the worm is turned! Graham blows his comeback! Smack after smack, and the natives are going wild! Graham hits him with nine BEAUTIFUL Elbow Strikes, before doing a discus turn and NAILING a tenth, and he goes for the pin…
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But NO!!!! Cliff gets his foot on the ropes!
Graham gets up, sure that it was three, but Edgar says “No! It was two! He got his foot on the ropes!” At this point, Cliff is slowly getting to his feet, that slimy, grEASY, snivelling SNAKE. He seizes the opportunity and he shoves Graham right into the senior citizen referee, and he goes down! Cliff then reaches into his trunks and he pulls out a pair of brass knucks! He turns and goes to strike Graham with ‘em, but Graham blocks and counters with a smack across the face, but he snatches the knucks as Cliff flies back into the corner! He stumbles forward and Graham snatches him up, ready to punch him with the knucks! At this moment, Edgar is getting up, but Graham doesn’t see it! As Edgar’s head turns up to see what’s happening, Cliff PUNTS Graham right between the legs and Graham goes down! Edgar, having seen what just happened, calls for a disqualification and orders that the bell be rung!
DING DING DING
Winner: Solomon Graham by disqualification
But it ain’t over! The animosity between these two is now at an all time high, as Cliff continues to stomp down on poor Graham, taking the belt and grinding it in Graham’s face, saying…
“THIS is as close as you’re EVER gonna get to this belt! You are NOT a champion!! You are NOT the face of a company!! All you are is GARBAGE!!! YOU HEAR ME?!?! GARBAGE!!!!”
At that moment, the cavalry makes the save in the form of Eddie Evans… but Cliff takes a powder before Eddie can get to him, and high tails it to the back before the natives riot. Eddie checks on his friend, before helping him to his feet. He raises his hand for a match well fought, and the fans cheer for Solomon! The two then make their way to the back as the show comes to a close, and the fans begin to make their exit from the room.
