Team BANG! Bros: The Full Monty (CTA RP)
Jun 6, 2021 5:45:35 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Steve Awesome, and 3 more like this
Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Jun 6, 2021 5:45:35 GMT -5
(OOC: Full disclosure, the "quoted" segments were collabs by the whole team. That's why you may have seen some of them a few times. Read all the Team BANG! Bros to get every aspect of this epic crossover!)
**Fade in. Kanyon Estates. New Jersey.**
*Curtis Kanyon is standing in front of his mansion, looking at his phone. His wife and kids are standing next to him.*
: You’re really going to go live in a haunted prison?
: Hell yeah I am.
: That is so bad ass Dad.
: And you rounded up four teammates for this show?
: I did.
: I would love to be in it if I didn’t have to watch the kids.
: I could watch Pepito.
: No, no, it’s better this way for plot.
: I could watch myself!
: Ha ha, very funny. Now, you be good for Mama. My ride is here!
*The Bang Bus is here. Yes, that Bang Bus, if you don’t know what we’re talking about, then you’re probably innocent and most likely Kira. Anyway,it pulls up.*
: Whoa Dad how did you get… this thing that I am totally seeing for the first time?
*Esmerelda stares daggers at her first born. Pepito is giggling.*
: Ugh, boys!
: Now now honey, there’s a time in every boys life where he learns about these things. But that day is not today, because I’m running late!
: Hey bro-ham! I’m the driver on today’s adventure! The names Barry, but you can just call me “Bear.” Should be a good one! Whoa! Are you… bringing your own babe? You know, usually we just go--
: What? How dare you infer that about my wife!
: Sorry A-bro-ham, it’s just she’s a babe and I would totes love to watch you smash tha--
: Okay, that’s enough. I may start to rethink this product placement sponsorship.
: Zippin’ my lip broseph! Let’s rock and roll!
*Curtis turns to his wife.*
: Don’t worry, this is just an incredibly obvious synergy promotion, I would never “ride the van” with another lady without you.
: Ew, gross.
: What does that mean?
: We’ll tell you never.
: Love you all, gotta go!
*Curtis enters the van. Bear shuts the door and the camera swipes with it to a cut.*
**Cut. Dark Room. Whereabouts unknown.**
*Curtis Kanyon is sitting behind a table in a dark room with a lone light slightly swaying overhead.*
: In 2021, a crack commando unit was sent to prison
by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
These men--
*His assistant Vanessa leans into the light.*
: Sir, you did an A-Team parody for last year's CTA.
: I did? But this one is actually set in a prison, it’s way more perfect here.
: I know, but we didn’t know that a year ago.
: Argh, why do I always waist the good stuff on Rob Arnold? It must be that sexy accent. All right… just give me the files.
*Vanessa hands him some manilla envelopes and then goes back into the shadows.*
: All right, here’s the deal. I’ve curated the entire wrestling landscape to form the best damn team possible to win at Call to Arms. The first choice is probably the most obvious.
*Curtis opens a folder and plops it on the table, showing his tag partner Donny.*
: My partner, a man destined for greatness. With my guidance, he will be X*Crown champion one day. But for now, he’s a double tag team champion and therefore tied for the best tag team wrestler in all of XHF with myself. None other than Donny Deville.
*Cut to…*
*Donny is waiting in front of a local gym. In his hand is a duffle bag, presumably housing his wrestling gear and various toiletries. He’s got both of his tag team championships with him as well, the fireside one on his waist, the network title over his shoulder. He checks his phone and curses under his breath that whatever Donny’s waiting on is late. Just as he starts tapping on his screen and scrolling through numbers, a bus with an extremely loud exhaust pulls up.
Donny eyes up the vehicle noticing the custom lettering on the side and puts a hand over his face. Kanyon starts slapping the horn a few times and yells out to his partner.*
: READY TO GO TO JAIL DONNY BOY?
: You really love to go all out, huh?
: Son, when you’re the face of an entire country you can afford to take pleasure in some of the finer things in life.
: I mean flying first class sounds nice…
: That’s no fun! I’ve done that a million times. Besides, it doesn’t give us enough time to bond with our team!
: You never even told me who’s on it!!
*Kanyon laughs heartily.*
: You’ve never seen a single road trip movie? We’re going to make friends along the way!
*Donny shakes his head but climbs aboard, setting his bag down next to himself.*
*Back in the dark room, Curtis plops another file on top of Donny’s. He flips it open to reveal El Combatiente.*
: Then we have El Combatiente. A man who’s also the future of this industry. Constantly brushing with greatness, just needs a slight push to realize his greatness. Troubled by depression he was still able to do amazing things in SWAT, and I had a front row seat at his amazing performance in last year's CTA. Being on this team, I'm going to help him exercise his demons and get him the X*Crown shot he deserves.
*Cut to…*
*we see El Combatiente and Javier standing in front of the gym.. The camera view changes to behind the duo and the door swings open and Curtis Kanyon sits behind the wheel of the bus.*
: Hop in bitches. It is time to roll.
*The two look at each other and then Javier climbs up the stairs and into the bus and El Combatiente follows slowly. He takes the first step onto the bus and goes to grab the handrail, but stops and looks at it.*
: ¿Qué es esta sustancia crustía en el carril aquí?
(What is this crusty substance on the rail here?)
: No toques eso.
(Do not touch that.)
*The camera switches to inside the van and we see Javier and El Combatiente take their seats. Kanyon turns to the two and smiles.*
: Bienvenido al equipo.
(Welcome to the team)
: Gracias. Estoy feliz de formar parte de este equipo, y estar montando en una pieza de la película estadounidense, es un honor. Entiendo que este bus mismo se ha utilizado en películas que se han visto millones de veces.
(Thank you. I am happy to be a part of this team, and to be riding in a piece of American movie memorabilia, is such an honor. I understand this very bus has been used in movies that have been viewed millions of times.)
: Prueba miles de millones de veces, pero no tocaría nada. Correa y vámpate.
(Try billions of times, but I wouldn’t touch anything. Strap up and let’s roll.)
*Back at the dark room, Curtis slaps down a folder that appears to have the edges burned. He opens it and brushes away some ash to reveal a picture and stat sheet of none other than Spike Kane.*
: This one… let's just say I needed to pull some very classified strings to make this deal. Spike Kane. An almost brother-in-law of mine. He had a historic feud with my brother that led to him losing the XHF title. But at a time when the XHF was full of mega stars, he led the pack. Damn was he good. And he came back at the Rumble and showed he could still go. He's on the precipice of another great run, and as a man who just did the same this year myself, I knew I could get him there. So I made a deal…
*Cut to…*
*The bus’ radio comes to life and begins to play “Highway to Hell” as, in what seems like a flash the BANG! Bus is engulfed in flames, around each and every window before pulling to a stop. The doors swing open and Kanyon cocks his head to the side.*
: You?
: You…...want a ride?
*Spike shakes his head and sighs, the memory of losing the XHF Title to the other Kanyon flashing into his head.*
: ….sure.
*For a second Spike looks around hesitating, weighing up whether he preferred the hellscape he was already on, or the one he was about to step into. He reaches out for the hand rail and recoils at the look on Kanyon’s face. Spike nods with a grim realization as he steps onto the bus and begins to look for a seat.*
: Well, welcome to the team!
: Whatever.
*Back in the dark room, you get the drill by now.*
: And then there is the final piece of the puzzle. A man who’s been a champion everywhere he goes. A fellow in arms from the nCw days. He’s cocky as hell, but damnit, he backs it up. And he’s got abs for days, my goodness would you look at those cum gutters...
: *From off screen.* Ewww.
: Anyway, most people are thrown off by thinking he’s a Hollywood sleezebag, but I understand the shill as much as he does. And while our hygiene and body shapes may be diametrically opposed, we’ve actually got a lot more in common than you’d think. And not only that, he was part of the winning team last year. You can’t get any better of a teammate than this guy.
*Curtis slides a last file onto the table and opens it up to reveal an autographed 8x10 of Steve Awesome that reads “To my favorite president, I totally voted for you. Love, Steve Awesome.” Cut to...*
*Steve Awesome steps into the Bang Bus and looks around in absolute bewilderment*
: WOW! Kanyon, you really outdid yourself here! This bus is fantastic!
*Steve turns and faces the camera that’s filming him.*
(Talking head interview)
Steve Awesome
Face of any Franchise he decides.
Steve Awesome: I was lying. This bus is a dump. I bet Kanyon cheaped out on this thing!
*Kanyon just looks at Steve like, dude wtf!? Since he heard everything since Steve never moved. They stare at each other awkwardly before Steve shuffled along to the back to find a seat.*
: Hey dickhead.
*Back to the room of eternal darkness.*
: This is my band of brothers. We will go off into the breach my friends. We will show no mercy. We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist, and should we win today the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday…
: *Still off screen* uh, sir…
: ...but is the day when the world declared in one voice; We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight. We’re going to live on. We’re going--
: Sir! You’re quoting Independence Day again. This event isn’t even in July.
: Oh sorry, it’s just my favorite presidential speech.
: I know sir, you used multiple times during your somehow non-fiction presidency.
: That’s why you’re here, to keep me on track. Thanks. Okay, Here’s the deal. I came back at the last CTA seemingly out of the blue in the middle of running for re-election. Rob Arnold wanted me to help him get back to the promised land. And I wanted to come back for those sweet sweet “you still got it” chants. And also to warn people about Murder Hornets. Well, we got eliminated in the first round. Not for lack of trying, we had a knock down drag out war in that first round, and lost to the eventual winners. But I didn’t get to stand in front of those fans for three rounds and soak in the adulation. I didn’t get my moment in the sun that I needed to feel fulfilled. So I came back this year, and in less than six months, I’m already a double champion. I’ve proven I still got it. And at the Rumble, I proved that Murder Hornets are dicks. So I’m not here for the adulation, I’m not here to give a warning. I’m here to conquer, and to lead the XHF to a better tomorrow. I’ve formed the ultimate team, we’re going all the way, and then one of us will be the X*Crown champion. Now, on with the show!
*Fade out.*
*The Bang Bus finally arrives at the prison. The door slides open and Steve Awesome’s camera crew practically falls out due to how crammed everyone was. The rest of the crew climb out of the bus.*
: *GASP!* Oh man, fresh air, finally! The only thing worse than a van full of sex musk is one that’s also full of gaffer B.O.
: Lo que necesito eran mis fosas nasales
: Surprisingly worse than sulfur and brimstone.
: Eh, I’m used to the smell.
: Which one?
: Anyway, what’s the plan gents? Did we get the penthouse sweet?
: Nope. We got cell block six! The most haunted of all the blocks! You see, there’s a mystery afoot! That’s why, in collaboration with Bang Bus and WB which secretly owns them, as I’m sure you are aware everything is owned by the bunny or the mouse, we’re also team building with a real life escape room type Scooby Doo mystery! Show ‘em Bear!
*Bear, the Bang Bus driver, comes out of the car and slaps a large “Mystery Machine” magnet on the side of the bus. So it now reads “The Bang Bus Mystery Machine.”
: I call dibs on Freddy since I’m the leader and I look great with an ascot.
: Ooo! I’m Daphne because I’m the sexy one.
: I should be Scrappy because everyone hates me.
: You’ll be Scooby for obvious reasons.
: El Combatiente will be Shaggy, because he likes...snacks...yes snacks.
*Javier winks. Combatiente looks confused as to what is going on. Donny looks around counting.*
: Wait a minute! Does that make me Velma? I don’t want to be Velma! That’s not cool. I don’t like this game.
: Yeah, whatever Velma.
: Ha ha ha! What playful team banter. I love it! Come on guys, let's go inside!
*Everyone except Donny seems to be excited now that Javier has explained to El Combatiente what is going on.*
: I should have just stayed home today.
*Curtis and Steve are walking alongside each other.*
: So if you're Daphne, are we supposed to run off together somewhere and… you know…
: Uh….
: Because I promised my wife no freaky stuff without her.
: Oh… in that case… yeah… I guess we can’t do whatever that is you are inferring.
: Okay. Not that I don’t want to, just that I can’t.
: Honestly, it’s fine. I promise.
: Sir, do you want this in the show.
: No, definitely cut it.
Steve Awesome
Cum Gutters for Days
Steve: I’m not entirely sure what he was talking about. I have a vague idea, but I did not want to follow up on that with any questions.
Curtis Kanyon
Former President
Curtis: What? Everybody knows Daphne and Fred bone any chance they get. I just didn’t want him to feel let down. I’d take one for the team, y’know, if I could.
: Well, I’m just going to walk faster now and separate from you for no reason.
: Okay, sorry again.
*El Combatiente and Javier walk up.*
: So, sir, what exactly is the plan here?
: Please, you can call me Curtis. We’re going to go inside and find out where we’re staying for our team quarters. Then do some team building ghost hunting. Then we’re going to talk team strategy. Wouldn’t make sense to do it before team building.
: Eso es bastante sabio de tu parte.
(That is actually pretty wise of you.)
: Bueno, sí, especialista en equipos de etiqueta aquí. De todos modos, ¿qué esperas sacar de esto?
(Well yeah, tag team specialist here. Anyway, what are you hoping to get out of this?)
: La oportunidad por el título de X * Crown, por supuesto.
(The X*Crown title shot of course.)
: ¡Jaja! Contundente y al grano, me gusta. ¿Alguien te ha dicho alguna vez que me recuerdas a La Parka?
(Ha ha! Blunt and to the point, I like it. Has anyone ever told you, you remind me of La Parka?)
: No, no lo veo.
(No, I don’t see it.)
: Sí, su discurso estaba un poco roto, como una doble traducción. Y ser luchador y todo eso. No digo que todos los luchadores sean iguales, solo que ... ya sabes ... vuelas mucho mejor ... y todas las demás luchas también. Es decir ... quiero decir ... eres mucho mejor que La Parka.
(Yeah, his speech was kinda broken, sorta like double translated. And being a luchador and all. Not saying all luchadors are the same, just that… you know… you high fly much better… and all the other wrestling too. That is to say… I mean… You’re much better than La Parka.)
*El Combatiente is looking a bit upset.*
: Excuse me Curtis, I think we will refrain from talking to you until the team building if that’s okay.
*They both walk ahead.*
: Guys, wait! Lo siento. Okay, well, I bet I could at least get buddy buddy with my almost brother-in-law Spike Kane. Hey Spike!
*Spike lifts up his hoodie and enters the building, seemingly ignoring the former president. Something darts across the doorway after Spike enters.*
: Rude. Wait… was that a cat?
*Curtis and the rest of the team enter the facility as we fade.*
*Walking the halls, Team BANG! Bros is looking around at the creepy surroundings. The hallway is dark except for some dim lights along the top of the hall. Captain Curtis has a flashlight in hand, looking at the map. He then points the light up and we see a sign that reads “Cell Block Six.” The door slowly creeks open.*
Mystery Man: Come in… come in…
*The team enters. Kanyon’s light flits around and he finds a light switch. He flips it on, and we see who the mystery man is!
: Bill Cosby!?
: Bill Cosby!?
: Papá fantasma!?
: You’re dead?
: Well, not really, actually, I’m more sort of, just, not really-
: No I’m pretty sure I read that he died…
: Nope! I’m very much alive.
: Dude, you’ve gotta show me that drink trick you do.
*Spike joins the team as he stares daggers at Cosby.*
: Yeah, I’ve seen your room in hell. If I were you I’d try and stay alive as long as possible. Oof.
: You’re supposed to be dead too!
(Talking head interview)
Steve Awesome
Probably your Dad.
Steve Awesome: Spike died. The wake was good at least.
: Oh my god, fuck this shit. See you fuckers at the Scooby bullshit later.
*Steve looks from the camera crew, to Spike as he walks off, back to Kanyon, and then Donnie, Javier and El Combatiente*
: Something I said?
: Listen boys, you’re not my type, I won’t hurt you. I’m actually here to help. Trying to get some time off for good behaviour, what better way then helping the former President. Listen, there are strange things afoot.
: I didn’t know you were a foot guy.
: More of a butt man. Anyway, tonight you will be visited by a ghost. He’s not the bad guy. I mean, he is because he’s stuck here haunting the place, but not the evil you’re here for. But he will show you the way.
: Why don’t you jus-- you know what, I want nothing to do with you, why am I going along with this.
*Donny also walks away.*
: You know, sometimes you need to separate the man from the artwork… but you’re a fucking monster.
*Curtis leaves.*
: Uh, yeah. I cannot believe I ate your pudding pops.
: Me gustas mejor cuando eres Kennan Thompson.
(I like you better when you are Kennan Thompson.)
*Javier pulls El Combatiente away.*
: You know, us celebrities have to stick together.
*The camera man filming Steve for the reality show speaks up.*
: Um, sir, you know we can’t show him on cameras or else he’ll get your show cancelled and banned.
: In that case, later asshole!
*With everyone seemingly gone their separate ways, Curtis is sitting alone in a cell with a window looking out at the Movie Theater.*
: You know, before we left, I know I said that I was back to conquer and lead XHF to a better tomorrow. Part of making XHF better is destroying the cancers. And right there, right there is a cancer, and I’m the chemo.
*We see someone running around the outside of the Movie Theater, screaming about a “Mauler Man” But he’s a little too far away to see clearly.*
: Team Fireside is in there. I made my intentions quite clear heading into the Rumble. I’m here to destroy Anthony Caffrey. Donny and I took the XHF tag team titles from him. I’m also holding his precious Fireside tag team title. I know it’s a tough balance. I bring a lot of eyes to whatever I do. I bring a lot of ratings. A rising tide raises all ships as they say. I show up, I put Fireside on the map for things other than self-nepotism. Fireside finally gains the X*Crown. Every match on the cards have been fire, no pun intended. I’m not saying I’m the sole reason, but I am saying that they’re all doing better because they have me to look up to and see what’s actually possible. But, I need to keep a balance. So far, that balance was just always putting Caffrey through tables, which was euphoric. But now, he had to deal with some murder hornets and he’s probably too scared of me because he realized my potential. So what’s the next step to keep balance? Make sure Team Fireside doesn’t win CTA. And the best way to do that is to create a superior team like I’ve done. I told you, I study great warriors, I know what the hell I’m doing here.
*Curtis just shakes his head as the crazy guy seems to be taking swings at the air before heading back inside.*
: Look at that. So, I want Fireside to succeed just enough. And I want it to happen while Caffrey keeps not being able to enjoy it. And when he’s finally healed and he’s learned to avoid all the tables, I want to take it all away. Burn Fireside to the ground and pee pee on the ashes right in front of him. That is my goal. And they really think they’re going to win? They have the double tag champs in their organization, and they don’t even ask us to join their tag team for a tag team tournament? And does Caffrey want to support his people, pfft, no. He’d rather team with some halfwits from FWA and…
*Curtis gags a little.*
: ...AWF. Ugh. So I want to ruin any Firesiders chance to walk out a winner, except for Donny and myself. I could talk smack about the KGB, but that’s more Combatiente’s deal. I could rip into the Amazons, but I don’t want to get cancelled. I could talk about the Galactic Sex Pirates, but I can’t do any freaky stuff without the misses present. There’s so many teams. So much talent. But my team’s got the legacy, the present, and the future all wrapped up in one. Team BANG! Bros is going the distance this year. I will soak in my chants from the crowd and continue to revel in my revenge. And since it’s elimination style, so many people are going to feel… the… BANG!
*Curtis points at the camera.*
: Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to prepare for some team building.
*Curtis gets up and starts to grab some boxes. Fade out.*
*Later that night, the team is back together in Cell Block Six.*
: Okay guys, I’ve got a box of ghost hunting equipment, and a box of jumpsuits.
: Jumpsuits?
: We’re in prison, have to look the part! But don’t worry, we’re not using that shitty orange kind. No, I had my guys redesign it for us! Check it out!
*Curtis pulls out American style red, white, and blue prison jumpsuit with stars and the like so as not to confuse it with other red white and blue flags.*
: I’m not American.
: Neither is El Combatiente.
: I didn’t vote for you.
*Off in the distance, we hear…*
Mystery: Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz
: This is all besides the point. This is for team unity. We need to ge-- wait, you didn’t vote for me?
: Sooo… ghost finding equipment, eh?
*Donny quickly changes the subject by grabbing an EMF recorder and pointing it around the room.*
: Tomaré un fluctuante de temperatura
: He’ll take a temperature fluctuator.
: I’d prefer not to see anymore demons, thank you.
*Getting slightly louder.*
Mystery: Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz
: Listen guys, lets just do some team building friendly ghost hunting.
: Yeah, sure, that’s the fun part. That’s what I’m here for. And winning an X*Crown shot of course.
: Does anyone else hear something?
: Estaba a punto de decir ...
*It’s getting louder now…*
Mystery: Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz
: I hear it too!
: Everyone follow Velma!
*Donny’s EMF reader is starting to pick up a signal, so he starts heading toward it. The rest of the gang follows.*
Mystery: He had it comin'
He had it comin'
He only had himself to blame!
: He’s a good singer.
: We’re getting closer.
: I’m excited!
: I’m just coming along to see how scared Javier gets.
: I-i-i-i’m not that s-s-scared.
*We see a floating spirit at the end of the hall! Singing this song from the great play “Chicago.” As the camera zooms in, the face is clear. It’s Jeffrey Epstein!*
: If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the saaame!
: Really!? Another dueschebag!?
*Steve Awesome looks back at his camera crew.*
: Hey guys, I know you have the ability to get definitive proof of ghosts existing on film, but definitely do not film this guy because he’s also going to get us cancelled.
: Jeffrey Epstein’s Ghost!? What the hell are you doing here?
: Just hanging around.
*A cat ghost drummer appears and performs a rim shot, then fades away.*
: Okay this is getting ridiculous.
: I’m so glad you all could make it! There are terrible things going on in this Prison! There is an evil monster ruining everything!
: ¡Creo que estoy viendo un monstruo malvado ahora mismo!
: He says he thinks he’s seeing an evil monster right now! And I agree!
: No! It’s the Executioner! He’s been coming after me and all the other stand up, completely innocent, misunderstood, ghosts! I’m just an actual real nice guy if you get to know me and-
: Get to the point you creep!
: ...He’s keeping us from crossing over! It’s terrible. You guys have to help us! Please! You are our only hope.
*Epstein looks on with his sleazy, yet hopeful eyes. Most of the gang looks real apprehensive.*
: Plus, if you don’t help, it might slip out that one of you has actually been to my island before and the rest of you could be associated with that.
*Everyone immediately turns and glares at Steve Awesome.*
: WHAT!? Why does everyone immediately assume it’s me!?
*Everyone still just glares and judges Awesome.*
: Come on guys. He’s lying! I was never at his island!
*He gulps.*
: But let's help him though.
*Before anyone could react a giant explosion happens and suddenly there is a big red monster with a metal mask wielding a giant staff.*
: It’s the Executioner!
: Let’s kick his ass!
: No, he’s too powerful! He’ll turn you into a ghost and keep you here forever.
: No way, we can ta--
*The Executioner shoots a blast of light from his staff and nearly hits the ghost of Epstein. Epstein leaps into Steve’s arms in fear as chunks of concrete fly in all directions!*
: Dude stop! I don’t even know you!!
*Steve throws him down onto the ground.*
: I haven’t seen anything like that in hell! Run bitches!
*The Executioner roars and gives chase as everybody runs.*
*We see Curtis and Donny run out of the cellblock and turn the corner.*
: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
: What was that man!?
: I don’t know!
: What do you mean you don’t know? Tell me this is part of the team building exercise!
: It is not! I didn’t hire a freaky thing like that!
*We hear The Executioner roar in the distance. Curtis and Donny continue to move, heading into the kitchen area.*
: Shitballs.
: Also, Jeffrey Epstein? Really? Of all the holograms you could have used? Why couldn’t it have been Tupac?
: That would have been dope. But no, I didn’t do that either! This place is haunted! But I didn’t think it was evil monster Resident Evil type haunted! And not the cool giant chick with the badonkadonk kind.
: This is so nuts.
: I know right!?
: Bear, what are you doing here?
: Well Angelina Bro-lie, I was waiting in the mystery van and I got hungry, so I came for some snackage.
*Bear starts eating from a can of beans.*
: Ew. Man, this place could use some D.I.C.K.
: Righteous, this guy knows what’s up.
: Bear, we need to be quiet right now. There’s a monster after us.
: Oh, okay Bro-ton Torpedo.
: Dude, that’s getting kind of annoy--
*Suddenly, Bear is stabbed from behind with The Executioner’s staff!*
: Not… cool… bro… bro… Siwa…
: The “bro” thing was super played out. Also, RUN DONNY!
*Donny and Curtis high tail it out of their and run back toward cell block six. Fade.*
*The BANG! Bros are all reconvene in the hallway of cell block six.*
: Guys! Guys! What the hell was that!? That ain’t no ghost!
: That’s a monster. A-a-a freak of nature!
: A demon, I’m sure of it.
: Idunno, looked familiar to me.
: ¡Un diablo del infierno del nivel nueve!
: Maybe even the tenth level!
: Okay, what do we do? Do we zap it with proton packs?
: They didn’t send us proton packs.
: What kind of ghost hunting equipment box doesn’t come with proton packs!?
: Well, forget it now, he’s back!
*Spike points down the hall, and The Executioner is lumbering down the hall. He stops and points his staff at them!*
: Run bitches!
*A Monkees-esque knock off type song, (so as not to pay royalties) begins to play as the group runs away again. We cut to a shot looking down the hallway with multiple doors on both sides. They turn into the first doorway on the right. The Executioner follows. The BANG! Bros then run out of a different door on the right, straight across to a door on the left. The Executioner runs out after them. The BANG! Bros then run out of a different door on the left and cut diagonal through a different door on the right. A gaggle of ghost cats come out from the same door and go straight across. The Executioner emerges from the same door on the right, then looks around, and goes up through yet another door. Bill Cosby emerges from the right holding a Jello pudding cup. He then walks across into a door on the left. Curtis and Donny emerge from a door close to the camera and look around. They seem at ease. But then The Executioner emerges from the door furthest from the camera and screams at them. They then run back through a door. Spike and Steve Awesome and his camera crew then emerge from another door. They try to open a door across the hall, but it seems locked. It then swings open and Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost emerges, waving them to come in. Spike and Steve look disgusted and go back the way they came. The Executioner then comes out of a door and charges across the way into another door. Javier and El Combatiente then emerge from the same door and charge into the door The Executioner ran into. Then Curtis, Donny, Spike, Steve, Combatiente, and Javier each emerge from a different door and all run into each other in the middle of the hallway! They all fall to the floor.*
: Ow! What in the Scooby-Doo was that?
: That was nuts.
: Where’s my camera crew?
: Why did I leave hell for this?
: Why did I leave home for this?
: Necesitamos buscar refugio y hacer un plan de juego.
: He says we need to seek shelter and make a game plan.
*Spike Kane is petting a ghost cat.*
: I agree.
: More than that, we need to set a trap! I’ve got an idea!
: Excellent Velma! Let’s get somewhere safe and hear it.
: I AM NOT VELMA!
: Ja, es absolutamente Velma.
*The Executioner emerges from a door with Steve Awesome’s camera crew in tow.*
: Guys, what the fuck?
: I gots no idea how we got ova heer!
*The Executioner realizes he’s being followed and takes a swipe at the crew, who all manage to somehow dodge the monster. They follow the BANG! Bros as they all run down the hall and out of camera view as The Executioner roars in frustration.*
*Team BANG! Bros enters the public restroom and Steve Awesome barricades the door with the trash can, but it doesn’t look like it will help much.*
: Okay gang! This wasn’t the team building I had in mind. But I think it’s the team building we need! I’ll be the first to admit, I may have ruffled some feathers… but aside from Donny, we’re not normally a team anyway. I’d like to think we have mutual respect for one another. And I would like to hope that when all is said and done, we’re standing at the end of Call to Arms with our hands raised. And in a perfect world, we then go on to win our qualifiers because we’re bad ass, and then beat the shit out of each other in the X*Crown match that each and every one of us would have a viable and completely believable chance of winning. But that whole chain of events starts tonight. Fuck team AWF. Fuck team NPW. Fuck team Sky Force. But not literally because we don’t want to be cancelled. After tonight, we are going to be the best, most well oiled unit, because we’re going to take out tHe ExEcUtIoNeR. And we’re going to do it together! We’re going to stop that monster like no monster has been stopped before! We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist, and should we win today the 4th of-- damnit, I’m doing the speech again.
: To be fair, it’s a great speech.
: I hear it all the time.
: Calm down Velma. I don’t love it, but Fred’s right, we need to band together, at least until CTA is over. I don’t plan on going back to hell without the X*Crown.
: See, my almost brother-in-law gets it!
: Uh… what?
: You know, my brother Chris, R.I.P., and Freya almost… you know…
: A, kidnapping. B, Stockholme syndrome that your brother didn’t reciprocate for obvious reasons. C, turned out she wasn’t really my sister, it’s complicated. D, I saw your br-- you know what, nevermind D.
: Wow, it saddens me we are no longer family adjacent. But that doesn’t change the fact that we’re going to be boss ass bitch tag team partners!
: ¡Sí! ¡Seremos las perras más mandonas!
(Yes! We will be the bossiest of bitches!)
: Why would you say that, cursing is not good for our brand.
: Lo siento, estaba atrapado en el momento.
(Sorry, I was caught up in the moment.)
: What’s the plan Curtis?
*Curtis looks around the room. Then looks at Steve Awesome, who's checking his hair in the camera lens. Curtis keeps staring at him until Steve turns around and notices.*
St: What’s going on?
: I think I’ve got it! Okay gang, here’s what we’re going to do!
*The audio fades out and the camera zooms out as it starts to fade. Fade out.*
*The BANG! Bros are set up in the back end of cell block six. They have an oversized box set up being held up on one side with a stick and a string. Curtis helps Steve Awesome crawl under the box.*
: Why do I have to be the bait again?
: Monsters love damsels in distress. And you’re our Daphne.
: I don’t know…
: And you’re the prettiest one of all of us.
: Awwww… thank you so much. I guess you’re right.
: ¿Debería quitarme la máscara? Soy mucho mas guapa.
*Curtis then helps Steve’s crew also get under the box. In the next cell over is the other members of the BANG! Bros.*
: You know this won’t work on a demon.
: It’s the only thing we got. I don’t even know why we have an absurdly large box, but we do.
: Vine aquí para ganar oro, no para morir con un montón de idiotas.
(I came here to win gold, not to die with a bunch of idiots.)
: No se preocupe, me aseguraré de empujar a todos los demás frente a usted. Con suerte, el demonio los tomará como sacrificio y nos dejará en paz.
(Don't worry, I will make sure to push everyone else in front of you. Hopefully the demon will take them as sacrifice and leave us be.)
: All right, it’s ready, what are you two talking about?
: That El Combatiente has the utmost confidence in this plan.
*Curtis gives EC a thumbs up. EC looks confused.*
Steve Awesome
Thinking Inside the Box
Steve Awesome: You know, this wasn’t the first time I played a damsel in distress. The Executioner won’t know what hit ‘em.
*The rest of the gang is watching eagerly, awaiting The Executioner to take the bait. So much so, they don’t see The Executioner standing behind them!*
: This is so great! This is totally going to work.
: Come on monster.
*Javier looks back and sees The Executioner. He starts tapping on El Combatiente’s shoulder, who just tries to shoo him away as he watches the box. The Executioner looks menacing as he quietly moves closer, slowly raising his staff. Combatiente finally turns around.*
: Ay, chihuahua!
*Everyone turns around to see The Executioner! They quickly back out of the cell.*
: Squeeeeeee!
*Steve kicks the stick and the box drops over him and his crew.
As The Executioner points his staff at each of the team, ...well, and Steve and his crew’s box, a rumbling sound can be heard, almost like that of several motorbikes. Suddenly a sea of ghost cats begins to storm the cell block coming from every direction, being led by the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein. They immediately head towards Spike, and surround him and the team, before what must be close to a thousand ghost cats storm The Executioner and knock him to the ground.*
: That was like some Lord of the Rings shit, stop mixing up the genres Spike!
: They literally followed me from hell, what am I supposed to do? Say no?
*The Executioner stands up and roars as he tries to swipe at the ghost cats. Spike, Donny, Curtis, and El Combatiente stand ready to fight The Executioner. Behind The Executioner, Steve Awesome is standing on top of the giant box with his film crew.*
: The Executioner! Looks like you’re… the pick of the litter!
*Steve grabs his camera man and tosses him off the box onto The Executioner! The villain appears to be unable to get out from underneath the portly man.
: What? I wasn’t going to touch that freak.
*Steve Awesome and the rest of his crew climb down as the rest of the BANG! Bros approach the monster.*
: Vile beast! Your days of keeping the ghosts trapped in this prison are over! Hold on, something doesn’t feel right here.
*Curtis grabs at The Executioners face and pulls back to reveal it was a mask! Underneath is… Martha Stewart?*
: What the heck are you doing here?
: I wanted to keep the ghosts here in order to lower the value of the prison stock market so I could make a quick buck, and have a place to host a spooky Halloween party. There will be plenty of home made snacks and...
: Wait a minute, I think that’s another mask!
*Donny yanks the mask away to reveal...Laurie Loughlin!*
: Fine, it was me. I was just trying to keep the ghosts here to drive the price down so I could flip the prison for money to bribe more colleges for my kids. I just can’t stop!
: I know Laurie Loughlin, and you are no Laurie Loughlin!
*Steve Awesome pulls at the hair to reveal it was another mask! It’s Bill Cosby.*
: Crew, don’t show his face!
: I’m still layin' on top of him sirs.
: Great!
: I just wanted a place to be alone. Do you know how bad they bully me in prison? With the rapin’ and the teasin’ and the fistin’ in my pudding pop!
: We all know where this joke is going.
*Spike pulls at the face to reveal a skull.*
: Greg? What are you doing up here?
: Not much man, glad to see you got out.
: Espera ... ¿es una etiqueta que sobresale de tu cuello. ¡Espera un segundo!
(Wait… is that a tag sticking out of your neck. Hold on a second!)
*El Combatiente grabs at The Executioner’s face and yanks, revealing it was a mask! It’s revealed to be none other than “Not Mongo” under the hood!*
: “Not Mongo” what are you doing here?
: Yes, I was keeping the ghosts here to drive down the price, so I could buy the prison on the cheap and make it my next Network dedicated arena! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!
: Okay, this is a little too obvious.
*Curtis pulls off the mask to reveal Magnus!*
: Okay, I’m just going to keep pulling.
: No no no! Guys, it’s really me!
: What the heck are you doing here?
: I just wanted to plug GUNS Season 3, starting this July, only on the XHF Network.
Everybody: MAGNUS!
*Everybody chuckles and we freeze frame!*
THE END
*Credits Roll*
Post-Credits:
*The ghost of Jeffrey Epstein is scene floating around the kitchen, looking into the cabinets without opening the doors.*
: Man, there's never anything good here.
*He keeps rummaging around until he happens to float over the body of Bear, the Bang Bus driver.*
: Oh hello… what’s this? Hmmm, I wonder?
*Epstein floats down into Bear’s body. After a few seconds of silence, Bear sits up and his eyes quickly opens as he takes a deep breath.*
: Oh yes… this will do nicely. Mwua ha ha ha ha!
*Fade out.*
**Fade in. Kanyon Estates. New Jersey.**
*Curtis Kanyon is standing in front of his mansion, looking at his phone. His wife and kids are standing next to him.*
: You’re really going to go live in a haunted prison?
: Hell yeah I am.
: That is so bad ass Dad.
: And you rounded up four teammates for this show?
: I did.
: I would love to be in it if I didn’t have to watch the kids.
: I could watch Pepito.
: No, no, it’s better this way for plot.
: I could watch myself!
: Ha ha, very funny. Now, you be good for Mama. My ride is here!
*The Bang Bus is here. Yes, that Bang Bus, if you don’t know what we’re talking about, then you’re probably innocent and most likely Kira. Anyway,it pulls up.*
: Whoa Dad how did you get… this thing that I am totally seeing for the first time?
*Esmerelda stares daggers at her first born. Pepito is giggling.*
: Ugh, boys!
: Now now honey, there’s a time in every boys life where he learns about these things. But that day is not today, because I’m running late!
: Hey bro-ham! I’m the driver on today’s adventure! The names Barry, but you can just call me “Bear.” Should be a good one! Whoa! Are you… bringing your own babe? You know, usually we just go--
: What? How dare you infer that about my wife!
: Sorry A-bro-ham, it’s just she’s a babe and I would totes love to watch you smash tha--
: Okay, that’s enough. I may start to rethink this product placement sponsorship.
: Zippin’ my lip broseph! Let’s rock and roll!
*Curtis turns to his wife.*
: Don’t worry, this is just an incredibly obvious synergy promotion, I would never “ride the van” with another lady without you.
: Ew, gross.
: What does that mean?
: We’ll tell you never.
: Love you all, gotta go!
*Curtis enters the van. Bear shuts the door and the camera swipes with it to a cut.*
**Cut. Dark Room. Whereabouts unknown.**
*Curtis Kanyon is sitting behind a table in a dark room with a lone light slightly swaying overhead.*
: In 2021, a crack commando unit was sent to prison
by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
These men--
*His assistant Vanessa leans into the light.*
: Sir, you did an A-Team parody for last year's CTA.
: I did? But this one is actually set in a prison, it’s way more perfect here.
: I know, but we didn’t know that a year ago.
: Argh, why do I always waist the good stuff on Rob Arnold? It must be that sexy accent. All right… just give me the files.
*Vanessa hands him some manilla envelopes and then goes back into the shadows.*
: All right, here’s the deal. I’ve curated the entire wrestling landscape to form the best damn team possible to win at Call to Arms. The first choice is probably the most obvious.
*Curtis opens a folder and plops it on the table, showing his tag partner Donny.*
: My partner, a man destined for greatness. With my guidance, he will be X*Crown champion one day. But for now, he’s a double tag team champion and therefore tied for the best tag team wrestler in all of XHF with myself. None other than Donny Deville.
*Cut to…*
*Donny is waiting in front of a local gym. In his hand is a duffle bag, presumably housing his wrestling gear and various toiletries. He’s got both of his tag team championships with him as well, the fireside one on his waist, the network title over his shoulder. He checks his phone and curses under his breath that whatever Donny’s waiting on is late. Just as he starts tapping on his screen and scrolling through numbers, a bus with an extremely loud exhaust pulls up.
Donny eyes up the vehicle noticing the custom lettering on the side and puts a hand over his face. Kanyon starts slapping the horn a few times and yells out to his partner.*
: READY TO GO TO JAIL DONNY BOY?
: You really love to go all out, huh?
: Son, when you’re the face of an entire country you can afford to take pleasure in some of the finer things in life.
: I mean flying first class sounds nice…
: That’s no fun! I’ve done that a million times. Besides, it doesn’t give us enough time to bond with our team!
: You never even told me who’s on it!!
*Kanyon laughs heartily.*
: You’ve never seen a single road trip movie? We’re going to make friends along the way!
*Donny shakes his head but climbs aboard, setting his bag down next to himself.*
*Back in the dark room, Curtis plops another file on top of Donny’s. He flips it open to reveal El Combatiente.*
: Then we have El Combatiente. A man who’s also the future of this industry. Constantly brushing with greatness, just needs a slight push to realize his greatness. Troubled by depression he was still able to do amazing things in SWAT, and I had a front row seat at his amazing performance in last year's CTA. Being on this team, I'm going to help him exercise his demons and get him the X*Crown shot he deserves.
*Cut to…*
*we see El Combatiente and Javier standing in front of the gym.. The camera view changes to behind the duo and the door swings open and Curtis Kanyon sits behind the wheel of the bus.*
: Hop in bitches. It is time to roll.
*The two look at each other and then Javier climbs up the stairs and into the bus and El Combatiente follows slowly. He takes the first step onto the bus and goes to grab the handrail, but stops and looks at it.*
: ¿Qué es esta sustancia crustía en el carril aquí?
(What is this crusty substance on the rail here?)
: No toques eso.
(Do not touch that.)
*The camera switches to inside the van and we see Javier and El Combatiente take their seats. Kanyon turns to the two and smiles.*
: Bienvenido al equipo.
(Welcome to the team)
: Gracias. Estoy feliz de formar parte de este equipo, y estar montando en una pieza de la película estadounidense, es un honor. Entiendo que este bus mismo se ha utilizado en películas que se han visto millones de veces.
(Thank you. I am happy to be a part of this team, and to be riding in a piece of American movie memorabilia, is such an honor. I understand this very bus has been used in movies that have been viewed millions of times.)
: Prueba miles de millones de veces, pero no tocaría nada. Correa y vámpate.
(Try billions of times, but I wouldn’t touch anything. Strap up and let’s roll.)
*Back at the dark room, Curtis slaps down a folder that appears to have the edges burned. He opens it and brushes away some ash to reveal a picture and stat sheet of none other than Spike Kane.*
: This one… let's just say I needed to pull some very classified strings to make this deal. Spike Kane. An almost brother-in-law of mine. He had a historic feud with my brother that led to him losing the XHF title. But at a time when the XHF was full of mega stars, he led the pack. Damn was he good. And he came back at the Rumble and showed he could still go. He's on the precipice of another great run, and as a man who just did the same this year myself, I knew I could get him there. So I made a deal…
*Cut to…*
*The bus’ radio comes to life and begins to play “Highway to Hell” as, in what seems like a flash the BANG! Bus is engulfed in flames, around each and every window before pulling to a stop. The doors swing open and Kanyon cocks his head to the side.*
: You?
: You…...want a ride?
*Spike shakes his head and sighs, the memory of losing the XHF Title to the other Kanyon flashing into his head.*
: ….sure.
*For a second Spike looks around hesitating, weighing up whether he preferred the hellscape he was already on, or the one he was about to step into. He reaches out for the hand rail and recoils at the look on Kanyon’s face. Spike nods with a grim realization as he steps onto the bus and begins to look for a seat.*
: Well, welcome to the team!
: Whatever.
*Back in the dark room, you get the drill by now.*
: And then there is the final piece of the puzzle. A man who’s been a champion everywhere he goes. A fellow in arms from the nCw days. He’s cocky as hell, but damnit, he backs it up. And he’s got abs for days, my goodness would you look at those cum gutters...
: *From off screen.* Ewww.
: Anyway, most people are thrown off by thinking he’s a Hollywood sleezebag, but I understand the shill as much as he does. And while our hygiene and body shapes may be diametrically opposed, we’ve actually got a lot more in common than you’d think. And not only that, he was part of the winning team last year. You can’t get any better of a teammate than this guy.
*Curtis slides a last file onto the table and opens it up to reveal an autographed 8x10 of Steve Awesome that reads “To my favorite president, I totally voted for you. Love, Steve Awesome.” Cut to...*
*Steve Awesome steps into the Bang Bus and looks around in absolute bewilderment*
: WOW! Kanyon, you really outdid yourself here! This bus is fantastic!
*Steve turns and faces the camera that’s filming him.*
(Talking head interview)
Steve Awesome
Face of any Franchise he decides.
Steve Awesome: I was lying. This bus is a dump. I bet Kanyon cheaped out on this thing!
*Kanyon just looks at Steve like, dude wtf!? Since he heard everything since Steve never moved. They stare at each other awkwardly before Steve shuffled along to the back to find a seat.*
: Hey dickhead.
*Back to the room of eternal darkness.*
: This is my band of brothers. We will go off into the breach my friends. We will show no mercy. We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist, and should we win today the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday…
: *Still off screen* uh, sir…
: ...but is the day when the world declared in one voice; We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight. We’re going to live on. We’re going--
: Sir! You’re quoting Independence Day again. This event isn’t even in July.
: Oh sorry, it’s just my favorite presidential speech.
: I know sir, you used multiple times during your somehow non-fiction presidency.
: That’s why you’re here, to keep me on track. Thanks. Okay, Here’s the deal. I came back at the last CTA seemingly out of the blue in the middle of running for re-election. Rob Arnold wanted me to help him get back to the promised land. And I wanted to come back for those sweet sweet “you still got it” chants. And also to warn people about Murder Hornets. Well, we got eliminated in the first round. Not for lack of trying, we had a knock down drag out war in that first round, and lost to the eventual winners. But I didn’t get to stand in front of those fans for three rounds and soak in the adulation. I didn’t get my moment in the sun that I needed to feel fulfilled. So I came back this year, and in less than six months, I’m already a double champion. I’ve proven I still got it. And at the Rumble, I proved that Murder Hornets are dicks. So I’m not here for the adulation, I’m not here to give a warning. I’m here to conquer, and to lead the XHF to a better tomorrow. I’ve formed the ultimate team, we’re going all the way, and then one of us will be the X*Crown champion. Now, on with the show!
*Fade out.*
*The Bang Bus finally arrives at the prison. The door slides open and Steve Awesome’s camera crew practically falls out due to how crammed everyone was. The rest of the crew climb out of the bus.*
: *GASP!* Oh man, fresh air, finally! The only thing worse than a van full of sex musk is one that’s also full of gaffer B.O.
: Lo que necesito eran mis fosas nasales
: Surprisingly worse than sulfur and brimstone.
: Eh, I’m used to the smell.
: Which one?
: Anyway, what’s the plan gents? Did we get the penthouse sweet?
: Nope. We got cell block six! The most haunted of all the blocks! You see, there’s a mystery afoot! That’s why, in collaboration with Bang Bus and WB which secretly owns them, as I’m sure you are aware everything is owned by the bunny or the mouse, we’re also team building with a real life escape room type Scooby Doo mystery! Show ‘em Bear!
*Bear, the Bang Bus driver, comes out of the car and slaps a large “Mystery Machine” magnet on the side of the bus. So it now reads “The Bang Bus Mystery Machine.”
: I call dibs on Freddy since I’m the leader and I look great with an ascot.
: Ooo! I’m Daphne because I’m the sexy one.
: I should be Scrappy because everyone hates me.
: You’ll be Scooby for obvious reasons.
: El Combatiente will be Shaggy, because he likes...snacks...yes snacks.
*Javier winks. Combatiente looks confused as to what is going on. Donny looks around counting.*
: Wait a minute! Does that make me Velma? I don’t want to be Velma! That’s not cool. I don’t like this game.
: Yeah, whatever Velma.
: Ha ha ha! What playful team banter. I love it! Come on guys, let's go inside!
*Everyone except Donny seems to be excited now that Javier has explained to El Combatiente what is going on.*
: I should have just stayed home today.
*Curtis and Steve are walking alongside each other.*
: So if you're Daphne, are we supposed to run off together somewhere and… you know…
: Uh….
: Because I promised my wife no freaky stuff without her.
: Oh… in that case… yeah… I guess we can’t do whatever that is you are inferring.
: Okay. Not that I don’t want to, just that I can’t.
: Honestly, it’s fine. I promise.
: Sir, do you want this in the show.
: No, definitely cut it.
Steve Awesome
Cum Gutters for Days
Steve: I’m not entirely sure what he was talking about. I have a vague idea, but I did not want to follow up on that with any questions.
Curtis Kanyon
Former President
Curtis: What? Everybody knows Daphne and Fred bone any chance they get. I just didn’t want him to feel let down. I’d take one for the team, y’know, if I could.
: Well, I’m just going to walk faster now and separate from you for no reason.
: Okay, sorry again.
*El Combatiente and Javier walk up.*
: So, sir, what exactly is the plan here?
: Please, you can call me Curtis. We’re going to go inside and find out where we’re staying for our team quarters. Then do some team building ghost hunting. Then we’re going to talk team strategy. Wouldn’t make sense to do it before team building.
: Eso es bastante sabio de tu parte.
(That is actually pretty wise of you.)
: Bueno, sí, especialista en equipos de etiqueta aquí. De todos modos, ¿qué esperas sacar de esto?
(Well yeah, tag team specialist here. Anyway, what are you hoping to get out of this?)
: La oportunidad por el título de X * Crown, por supuesto.
(The X*Crown title shot of course.)
: ¡Jaja! Contundente y al grano, me gusta. ¿Alguien te ha dicho alguna vez que me recuerdas a La Parka?
(Ha ha! Blunt and to the point, I like it. Has anyone ever told you, you remind me of La Parka?)
: No, no lo veo.
(No, I don’t see it.)
: Sí, su discurso estaba un poco roto, como una doble traducción. Y ser luchador y todo eso. No digo que todos los luchadores sean iguales, solo que ... ya sabes ... vuelas mucho mejor ... y todas las demás luchas también. Es decir ... quiero decir ... eres mucho mejor que La Parka.
(Yeah, his speech was kinda broken, sorta like double translated. And being a luchador and all. Not saying all luchadors are the same, just that… you know… you high fly much better… and all the other wrestling too. That is to say… I mean… You’re much better than La Parka.)
*El Combatiente is looking a bit upset.*
: Excuse me Curtis, I think we will refrain from talking to you until the team building if that’s okay.
*They both walk ahead.*
: Guys, wait! Lo siento. Okay, well, I bet I could at least get buddy buddy with my almost brother-in-law Spike Kane. Hey Spike!
*Spike lifts up his hoodie and enters the building, seemingly ignoring the former president. Something darts across the doorway after Spike enters.*
: Rude. Wait… was that a cat?
*Curtis and the rest of the team enter the facility as we fade.*
*Walking the halls, Team BANG! Bros is looking around at the creepy surroundings. The hallway is dark except for some dim lights along the top of the hall. Captain Curtis has a flashlight in hand, looking at the map. He then points the light up and we see a sign that reads “Cell Block Six.” The door slowly creeks open.*
Mystery Man: Come in… come in…
*The team enters. Kanyon’s light flits around and he finds a light switch. He flips it on, and we see who the mystery man is!
: Bill Cosby!?
: Bill Cosby!?
: Papá fantasma!?
: You’re dead?
: Well, not really, actually, I’m more sort of, just, not really-
: No I’m pretty sure I read that he died…
: Nope! I’m very much alive.
: Dude, you’ve gotta show me that drink trick you do.
*Spike joins the team as he stares daggers at Cosby.*
: Yeah, I’ve seen your room in hell. If I were you I’d try and stay alive as long as possible. Oof.
: You’re supposed to be dead too!
(Talking head interview)
Steve Awesome
Probably your Dad.
Steve Awesome: Spike died. The wake was good at least.
: Oh my god, fuck this shit. See you fuckers at the Scooby bullshit later.
*Steve looks from the camera crew, to Spike as he walks off, back to Kanyon, and then Donnie, Javier and El Combatiente*
: Something I said?
: Listen boys, you’re not my type, I won’t hurt you. I’m actually here to help. Trying to get some time off for good behaviour, what better way then helping the former President. Listen, there are strange things afoot.
: I didn’t know you were a foot guy.
: More of a butt man. Anyway, tonight you will be visited by a ghost. He’s not the bad guy. I mean, he is because he’s stuck here haunting the place, but not the evil you’re here for. But he will show you the way.
: Why don’t you jus-- you know what, I want nothing to do with you, why am I going along with this.
*Donny also walks away.*
: You know, sometimes you need to separate the man from the artwork… but you’re a fucking monster.
*Curtis leaves.*
: Uh, yeah. I cannot believe I ate your pudding pops.
: Me gustas mejor cuando eres Kennan Thompson.
(I like you better when you are Kennan Thompson.)
*Javier pulls El Combatiente away.*
: You know, us celebrities have to stick together.
*The camera man filming Steve for the reality show speaks up.*
: Um, sir, you know we can’t show him on cameras or else he’ll get your show cancelled and banned.
: In that case, later asshole!
*With everyone seemingly gone their separate ways, Curtis is sitting alone in a cell with a window looking out at the Movie Theater.*
: You know, before we left, I know I said that I was back to conquer and lead XHF to a better tomorrow. Part of making XHF better is destroying the cancers. And right there, right there is a cancer, and I’m the chemo.
*We see someone running around the outside of the Movie Theater, screaming about a “Mauler Man” But he’s a little too far away to see clearly.*
: Team Fireside is in there. I made my intentions quite clear heading into the Rumble. I’m here to destroy Anthony Caffrey. Donny and I took the XHF tag team titles from him. I’m also holding his precious Fireside tag team title. I know it’s a tough balance. I bring a lot of eyes to whatever I do. I bring a lot of ratings. A rising tide raises all ships as they say. I show up, I put Fireside on the map for things other than self-nepotism. Fireside finally gains the X*Crown. Every match on the cards have been fire, no pun intended. I’m not saying I’m the sole reason, but I am saying that they’re all doing better because they have me to look up to and see what’s actually possible. But, I need to keep a balance. So far, that balance was just always putting Caffrey through tables, which was euphoric. But now, he had to deal with some murder hornets and he’s probably too scared of me because he realized my potential. So what’s the next step to keep balance? Make sure Team Fireside doesn’t win CTA. And the best way to do that is to create a superior team like I’ve done. I told you, I study great warriors, I know what the hell I’m doing here.
*Curtis just shakes his head as the crazy guy seems to be taking swings at the air before heading back inside.*
: Look at that. So, I want Fireside to succeed just enough. And I want it to happen while Caffrey keeps not being able to enjoy it. And when he’s finally healed and he’s learned to avoid all the tables, I want to take it all away. Burn Fireside to the ground and pee pee on the ashes right in front of him. That is my goal. And they really think they’re going to win? They have the double tag champs in their organization, and they don’t even ask us to join their tag team for a tag team tournament? And does Caffrey want to support his people, pfft, no. He’d rather team with some halfwits from FWA and…
*Curtis gags a little.*
: ...AWF. Ugh. So I want to ruin any Firesiders chance to walk out a winner, except for Donny and myself. I could talk smack about the KGB, but that’s more Combatiente’s deal. I could rip into the Amazons, but I don’t want to get cancelled. I could talk about the Galactic Sex Pirates, but I can’t do any freaky stuff without the misses present. There’s so many teams. So much talent. But my team’s got the legacy, the present, and the future all wrapped up in one. Team BANG! Bros is going the distance this year. I will soak in my chants from the crowd and continue to revel in my revenge. And since it’s elimination style, so many people are going to feel… the… BANG!
*Curtis points at the camera.*
: Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to prepare for some team building.
*Curtis gets up and starts to grab some boxes. Fade out.*
*Later that night, the team is back together in Cell Block Six.*
: Okay guys, I’ve got a box of ghost hunting equipment, and a box of jumpsuits.
: Jumpsuits?
: We’re in prison, have to look the part! But don’t worry, we’re not using that shitty orange kind. No, I had my guys redesign it for us! Check it out!
*Curtis pulls out American style red, white, and blue prison jumpsuit with stars and the like so as not to confuse it with other red white and blue flags.*
: I’m not American.
: Neither is El Combatiente.
: I didn’t vote for you.
*Off in the distance, we hear…*
Mystery: Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz
: This is all besides the point. This is for team unity. We need to ge-- wait, you didn’t vote for me?
: Sooo… ghost finding equipment, eh?
*Donny quickly changes the subject by grabbing an EMF recorder and pointing it around the room.*
: Tomaré un fluctuante de temperatura
: He’ll take a temperature fluctuator.
: I’d prefer not to see anymore demons, thank you.
*Getting slightly louder.*
Mystery: Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz
: Listen guys, lets just do some team building friendly ghost hunting.
: Yeah, sure, that’s the fun part. That’s what I’m here for. And winning an X*Crown shot of course.
: Does anyone else hear something?
: Estaba a punto de decir ...
*It’s getting louder now…*
Mystery: Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz
: I hear it too!
: Everyone follow Velma!
*Donny’s EMF reader is starting to pick up a signal, so he starts heading toward it. The rest of the gang follows.*
Mystery: He had it comin'
He had it comin'
He only had himself to blame!
: He’s a good singer.
: We’re getting closer.
: I’m excited!
: I’m just coming along to see how scared Javier gets.
: I-i-i-i’m not that s-s-scared.
*We see a floating spirit at the end of the hall! Singing this song from the great play “Chicago.” As the camera zooms in, the face is clear. It’s Jeffrey Epstein!*
: If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the saaame!
: Really!? Another dueschebag!?
*Steve Awesome looks back at his camera crew.*
: Hey guys, I know you have the ability to get definitive proof of ghosts existing on film, but definitely do not film this guy because he’s also going to get us cancelled.
: Jeffrey Epstein’s Ghost!? What the hell are you doing here?
: Just hanging around.
*A cat ghost drummer appears and performs a rim shot, then fades away.*
: Okay this is getting ridiculous.
: I’m so glad you all could make it! There are terrible things going on in this Prison! There is an evil monster ruining everything!
: ¡Creo que estoy viendo un monstruo malvado ahora mismo!
: He says he thinks he’s seeing an evil monster right now! And I agree!
: No! It’s the Executioner! He’s been coming after me and all the other stand up, completely innocent, misunderstood, ghosts! I’m just an actual real nice guy if you get to know me and-
: Get to the point you creep!
: ...He’s keeping us from crossing over! It’s terrible. You guys have to help us! Please! You are our only hope.
*Epstein looks on with his sleazy, yet hopeful eyes. Most of the gang looks real apprehensive.*
: Plus, if you don’t help, it might slip out that one of you has actually been to my island before and the rest of you could be associated with that.
*Everyone immediately turns and glares at Steve Awesome.*
: WHAT!? Why does everyone immediately assume it’s me!?
*Everyone still just glares and judges Awesome.*
: Come on guys. He’s lying! I was never at his island!
*He gulps.*
: But let's help him though.
*Before anyone could react a giant explosion happens and suddenly there is a big red monster with a metal mask wielding a giant staff.*
: It’s the Executioner!
: Let’s kick his ass!
: No, he’s too powerful! He’ll turn you into a ghost and keep you here forever.
: No way, we can ta--
*The Executioner shoots a blast of light from his staff and nearly hits the ghost of Epstein. Epstein leaps into Steve’s arms in fear as chunks of concrete fly in all directions!*
: Dude stop! I don’t even know you!!
*Steve throws him down onto the ground.*
: I haven’t seen anything like that in hell! Run bitches!
*The Executioner roars and gives chase as everybody runs.*
*We see Curtis and Donny run out of the cellblock and turn the corner.*
: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
: What was that man!?
: I don’t know!
: What do you mean you don’t know? Tell me this is part of the team building exercise!
: It is not! I didn’t hire a freaky thing like that!
*We hear The Executioner roar in the distance. Curtis and Donny continue to move, heading into the kitchen area.*
: Shitballs.
: Also, Jeffrey Epstein? Really? Of all the holograms you could have used? Why couldn’t it have been Tupac?
: That would have been dope. But no, I didn’t do that either! This place is haunted! But I didn’t think it was evil monster Resident Evil type haunted! And not the cool giant chick with the badonkadonk kind.
: This is so nuts.
: I know right!?
: Bear, what are you doing here?
: Well Angelina Bro-lie, I was waiting in the mystery van and I got hungry, so I came for some snackage.
*Bear starts eating from a can of beans.*
: Ew. Man, this place could use some D.I.C.K.
: Righteous, this guy knows what’s up.
: Bear, we need to be quiet right now. There’s a monster after us.
: Oh, okay Bro-ton Torpedo.
: Dude, that’s getting kind of annoy--
*Suddenly, Bear is stabbed from behind with The Executioner’s staff!*
: Not… cool… bro… bro… Siwa…
: The “bro” thing was super played out. Also, RUN DONNY!
*Donny and Curtis high tail it out of their and run back toward cell block six. Fade.*
*The BANG! Bros are all reconvene in the hallway of cell block six.*
: Guys! Guys! What the hell was that!? That ain’t no ghost!
: That’s a monster. A-a-a freak of nature!
: A demon, I’m sure of it.
: Idunno, looked familiar to me.
: ¡Un diablo del infierno del nivel nueve!
: Maybe even the tenth level!
: Okay, what do we do? Do we zap it with proton packs?
: They didn’t send us proton packs.
: What kind of ghost hunting equipment box doesn’t come with proton packs!?
: Well, forget it now, he’s back!
*Spike points down the hall, and The Executioner is lumbering down the hall. He stops and points his staff at them!*
: Run bitches!
*A Monkees-esque knock off type song, (so as not to pay royalties) begins to play as the group runs away again. We cut to a shot looking down the hallway with multiple doors on both sides. They turn into the first doorway on the right. The Executioner follows. The BANG! Bros then run out of a different door on the right, straight across to a door on the left. The Executioner runs out after them. The BANG! Bros then run out of a different door on the left and cut diagonal through a different door on the right. A gaggle of ghost cats come out from the same door and go straight across. The Executioner emerges from the same door on the right, then looks around, and goes up through yet another door. Bill Cosby emerges from the right holding a Jello pudding cup. He then walks across into a door on the left. Curtis and Donny emerge from a door close to the camera and look around. They seem at ease. But then The Executioner emerges from the door furthest from the camera and screams at them. They then run back through a door. Spike and Steve Awesome and his camera crew then emerge from another door. They try to open a door across the hall, but it seems locked. It then swings open and Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost emerges, waving them to come in. Spike and Steve look disgusted and go back the way they came. The Executioner then comes out of a door and charges across the way into another door. Javier and El Combatiente then emerge from the same door and charge into the door The Executioner ran into. Then Curtis, Donny, Spike, Steve, Combatiente, and Javier each emerge from a different door and all run into each other in the middle of the hallway! They all fall to the floor.*
: Ow! What in the Scooby-Doo was that?
: That was nuts.
: Where’s my camera crew?
: Why did I leave hell for this?
: Why did I leave home for this?
: Necesitamos buscar refugio y hacer un plan de juego.
: He says we need to seek shelter and make a game plan.
*Spike Kane is petting a ghost cat.*
: I agree.
: More than that, we need to set a trap! I’ve got an idea!
: Excellent Velma! Let’s get somewhere safe and hear it.
: I AM NOT VELMA!
: Ja, es absolutamente Velma.
*The Executioner emerges from a door with Steve Awesome’s camera crew in tow.*
: Guys, what the fuck?
: I gots no idea how we got ova heer!
*The Executioner realizes he’s being followed and takes a swipe at the crew, who all manage to somehow dodge the monster. They follow the BANG! Bros as they all run down the hall and out of camera view as The Executioner roars in frustration.*
*Team BANG! Bros enters the public restroom and Steve Awesome barricades the door with the trash can, but it doesn’t look like it will help much.*
: Okay gang! This wasn’t the team building I had in mind. But I think it’s the team building we need! I’ll be the first to admit, I may have ruffled some feathers… but aside from Donny, we’re not normally a team anyway. I’d like to think we have mutual respect for one another. And I would like to hope that when all is said and done, we’re standing at the end of Call to Arms with our hands raised. And in a perfect world, we then go on to win our qualifiers because we’re bad ass, and then beat the shit out of each other in the X*Crown match that each and every one of us would have a viable and completely believable chance of winning. But that whole chain of events starts tonight. Fuck team AWF. Fuck team NPW. Fuck team Sky Force. But not literally because we don’t want to be cancelled. After tonight, we are going to be the best, most well oiled unit, because we’re going to take out tHe ExEcUtIoNeR. And we’re going to do it together! We’re going to stop that monster like no monster has been stopped before! We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist, and should we win today the 4th of-- damnit, I’m doing the speech again.
: To be fair, it’s a great speech.
: I hear it all the time.
: Calm down Velma. I don’t love it, but Fred’s right, we need to band together, at least until CTA is over. I don’t plan on going back to hell without the X*Crown.
: See, my almost brother-in-law gets it!
: Uh… what?
: You know, my brother Chris, R.I.P., and Freya almost… you know…
: A, kidnapping. B, Stockholme syndrome that your brother didn’t reciprocate for obvious reasons. C, turned out she wasn’t really my sister, it’s complicated. D, I saw your br-- you know what, nevermind D.
: Wow, it saddens me we are no longer family adjacent. But that doesn’t change the fact that we’re going to be boss ass bitch tag team partners!
: ¡Sí! ¡Seremos las perras más mandonas!
(Yes! We will be the bossiest of bitches!)
: Why would you say that, cursing is not good for our brand.
: Lo siento, estaba atrapado en el momento.
(Sorry, I was caught up in the moment.)
: What’s the plan Curtis?
*Curtis looks around the room. Then looks at Steve Awesome, who's checking his hair in the camera lens. Curtis keeps staring at him until Steve turns around and notices.*
St: What’s going on?
: I think I’ve got it! Okay gang, here’s what we’re going to do!
*The audio fades out and the camera zooms out as it starts to fade. Fade out.*
*The BANG! Bros are set up in the back end of cell block six. They have an oversized box set up being held up on one side with a stick and a string. Curtis helps Steve Awesome crawl under the box.*
: Why do I have to be the bait again?
: Monsters love damsels in distress. And you’re our Daphne.
: I don’t know…
: And you’re the prettiest one of all of us.
: Awwww… thank you so much. I guess you’re right.
: ¿Debería quitarme la máscara? Soy mucho mas guapa.
*Curtis then helps Steve’s crew also get under the box. In the next cell over is the other members of the BANG! Bros.*
: You know this won’t work on a demon.
: It’s the only thing we got. I don’t even know why we have an absurdly large box, but we do.
: Vine aquí para ganar oro, no para morir con un montón de idiotas.
(I came here to win gold, not to die with a bunch of idiots.)
: No se preocupe, me aseguraré de empujar a todos los demás frente a usted. Con suerte, el demonio los tomará como sacrificio y nos dejará en paz.
(Don't worry, I will make sure to push everyone else in front of you. Hopefully the demon will take them as sacrifice and leave us be.)
: All right, it’s ready, what are you two talking about?
: That El Combatiente has the utmost confidence in this plan.
*Curtis gives EC a thumbs up. EC looks confused.*
Steve Awesome
Thinking Inside the Box
Steve Awesome: You know, this wasn’t the first time I played a damsel in distress. The Executioner won’t know what hit ‘em.
*The rest of the gang is watching eagerly, awaiting The Executioner to take the bait. So much so, they don’t see The Executioner standing behind them!*
: This is so great! This is totally going to work.
: Come on monster.
*Javier looks back and sees The Executioner. He starts tapping on El Combatiente’s shoulder, who just tries to shoo him away as he watches the box. The Executioner looks menacing as he quietly moves closer, slowly raising his staff. Combatiente finally turns around.*
: Ay, chihuahua!
*Everyone turns around to see The Executioner! They quickly back out of the cell.*
: Squeeeeeee!
*Steve kicks the stick and the box drops over him and his crew.
As The Executioner points his staff at each of the team, ...well, and Steve and his crew’s box, a rumbling sound can be heard, almost like that of several motorbikes. Suddenly a sea of ghost cats begins to storm the cell block coming from every direction, being led by the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein. They immediately head towards Spike, and surround him and the team, before what must be close to a thousand ghost cats storm The Executioner and knock him to the ground.*
: That was like some Lord of the Rings shit, stop mixing up the genres Spike!
: They literally followed me from hell, what am I supposed to do? Say no?
*The Executioner stands up and roars as he tries to swipe at the ghost cats. Spike, Donny, Curtis, and El Combatiente stand ready to fight The Executioner. Behind The Executioner, Steve Awesome is standing on top of the giant box with his film crew.*
: The Executioner! Looks like you’re… the pick of the litter!
*Steve grabs his camera man and tosses him off the box onto The Executioner! The villain appears to be unable to get out from underneath the portly man.
: What? I wasn’t going to touch that freak.
*Steve Awesome and the rest of his crew climb down as the rest of the BANG! Bros approach the monster.*
: Vile beast! Your days of keeping the ghosts trapped in this prison are over! Hold on, something doesn’t feel right here.
*Curtis grabs at The Executioners face and pulls back to reveal it was a mask! Underneath is… Martha Stewart?*
: What the heck are you doing here?
: I wanted to keep the ghosts here in order to lower the value of the prison stock market so I could make a quick buck, and have a place to host a spooky Halloween party. There will be plenty of home made snacks and...
: Wait a minute, I think that’s another mask!
*Donny yanks the mask away to reveal...Laurie Loughlin!*
: Fine, it was me. I was just trying to keep the ghosts here to drive the price down so I could flip the prison for money to bribe more colleges for my kids. I just can’t stop!
: I know Laurie Loughlin, and you are no Laurie Loughlin!
*Steve Awesome pulls at the hair to reveal it was another mask! It’s Bill Cosby.*
: Crew, don’t show his face!
: I’m still layin' on top of him sirs.
: Great!
: I just wanted a place to be alone. Do you know how bad they bully me in prison? With the rapin’ and the teasin’ and the fistin’ in my pudding pop!
: We all know where this joke is going.
*Spike pulls at the face to reveal a skull.*
: Greg? What are you doing up here?
: Not much man, glad to see you got out.
: Espera ... ¿es una etiqueta que sobresale de tu cuello. ¡Espera un segundo!
(Wait… is that a tag sticking out of your neck. Hold on a second!)
*El Combatiente grabs at The Executioner’s face and yanks, revealing it was a mask! It’s revealed to be none other than “Not Mongo” under the hood!*
: “Not Mongo” what are you doing here?
: Yes, I was keeping the ghosts here to drive down the price, so I could buy the prison on the cheap and make it my next Network dedicated arena! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!
: Okay, this is a little too obvious.
*Curtis pulls off the mask to reveal Magnus!*
: Okay, I’m just going to keep pulling.
: No no no! Guys, it’s really me!
: What the heck are you doing here?
: I just wanted to plug GUNS Season 3, starting this July, only on the XHF Network.
Everybody: MAGNUS!
*Everybody chuckles and we freeze frame!*
THE END
*Credits Roll*
Post-Credits:
*The ghost of Jeffrey Epstein is scene floating around the kitchen, looking into the cabinets without opening the doors.*
: Man, there's never anything good here.
*He keeps rummaging around until he happens to float over the body of Bear, the Bang Bus driver.*
: Oh hello… what’s this? Hmmm, I wonder?
*Epstein floats down into Bear’s body. After a few seconds of silence, Bear sits up and his eyes quickly opens as he takes a deep breath.*
: Oh yes… this will do nicely. Mwua ha ha ha ha!
*Fade out.*