Chucklefuck [BOTB #3 - 1500 Words]
Jun 6, 2021 22:47:21 GMT -5
IMMORTALS and Jonnie Valentine like this
Post by Dylan on Jun 6, 2021 22:47:21 GMT -5
Dylan: I really meant it when I said it. FIRESIDE has some of the roughest, toughest guys on their roster. It'd have been a crime had I not stepped up to bring eyes to the show, for while they're talented, they've very little name value.
Open on Dylan, sitting in front of a blank wall. No cinematics. No theatrics. Just him in front of a camera. He adjusts his sitting position, still facing the camera.
Dylan: I mean let's face it. Anthony Caffrey, as likeable a douchecanoe as he is, isn't going to make people tune in to see those stupid pearly whites every week. People see Anthony and change the channel. And when they change the channel, guys like Misha and MYOJIN, Mistress Discipline and MAJESTY don't get the views they deserve, nor do they generate that name value. In fact, Mistress Discipline may never get that value as long as guys like Death Trap are going to overshadow her.
He holds his hands out, points and talking right to MD.
Dylan: Let's be honest, Mistress. You are the most technically gifted people in this tournament, there's no one who compares. But your technical prowess, your submission skillset? It'll be null in the face of my speed and brute force. We'll see how the Final Bell matches up to the Disasterpiece, but considering just my ability to push and follow through my moves, it's unfortunate to think I'll do similarly to how Jack and Hype did at Call to Arms last year.
His pointed fingers clench into fists and he makes a snapping motion, his face expressionless.
Dylan: Two people who can't compare to Team #FuckMongo though, are Vodka Fizz and the son of his Hot Tag Express partner, Evan Valentine Jr. Evan wouldn't know what it meant to earn an opportunity because every damn thing he's ever gotten is handed to him on a silver platter, with a silver spoon. This is his first time he'll ever have to earn something and unfortunately, I don't plan on giving you an easy ride. Vodka though, easy or not is here for the ride. I can respect that.
He tips his hat to the Party Rocker of FIRESIDE.
Dylan: That respect isn't going to expand much past that. You're talented, but that can only get you so far. Being a talented alcoholic hasn't been enough to get past me, go ask Tommy Kelly in NLW. See how rough shit was after I smashed him back in AXW.
A finger across the throat, signaling just how dead in the water Stormcrow was after he was pummeled by Dylan's alter-ego, The Anomoly.
Dylan: And speaking of that masked hooligan, I don't think he ever got his sandwich from Zolothot.
He chuckles.
Dylan: Bless his heart. Such a hero to the people ahead of his time. Just like Zolo, a hero to the freakkes around the world. But Tabitha, while you've kept up your worshipping tendencies, I've EVOLVED. I've grown, learned, been humbled and had my ego risen. I bettered myself, while you just remained the same-old same-old. Beating you would be cake, and that's why I don't wish to see you in the finals.
He clicks his tongue and shakes his head.
Dylan: The rest of the FIRESIDEr's I don't know too much about, they're all new additions to the expansive roster. But a biker, a man's man, an edge lord and an acrobat walk into a tournament. Each with their own ambitions, goals, ideas. All get together and conquer their first round of opposition and move on to face each other. Only one can win. Does the biker out-brawl all his foes? Does the man's man seduce everyone before muscling his opposition? How about the edge lord, does he sulk and grapple his way to victory? Or the acrobat, can he out-acrobat his foes, twist and turn, flip and flop 'til he comes out on top?
He leans forward, a sly grin on his face.
Dylan: Spoiler: it doesn't matter who wins. Because whoever wins has to then battle with the Messiah, and he brings a message to all those in front of him.
He taps the glass. He's talking to you, so you better listen.
Dylan: Daku may be a master of brawling, but I know I'm much more a master than him. His bikers could come even the odds, but E.V.E, while small in numbers will take on any and all foes. No amount of gang members, knives or choppers will help you edge out a victory.
Dylan: Shane, even if your family is ringside with you, I won't hesitate to dismantle you brick by brick until you're a bloody mess on the mat. Your beloved daughters will watch you suffer, and your wife will have no choice but to plan out an intricate recovery plan to help you realize you're just not able to match up. You may out-muscle me, but I can out-maneuver, out-think and out-wrestle you every. Damn. Day.
A Seth Rollins laugh. You know the one, that stupid "Ha. Ha. Ha." But less snotty arrogant Brit.
Dylan: The Hoffmanator, see he knows he can't hang with me. He's got an 8 1/3 to me 141 2/3 chance. You know the drills. You're a grappler, right? How does a man grapple with a literal machine? I could grease myself up and you'd have no holding points and suddenly? Your entire run comes crashing to a halt against the Cybernetic Psychopath.
Dylan: And Jaice, you may be fast. Possibly even faster than me. But I've been a fast guy my whole life, and I know the ways to counter guys like us. I know the counters to those counters, and I know the counters two steps back! I can break you with ease and like a chess master taking on a novice, I'll always be 10 steps ahead of you.
He goes to pop his knuckles, but his robot hands catch no air and make no pops. How dissatisfying. He leans back and offers a smile, snakelike and plotting.
Dylan: There's a special place in hell for you all, and the God of Extreme is going to come knocking. Not on your doors, but knocking you out! Doesn't matter if you don't want this smoke, because you're gonna get it!
He does a pose like this as we fade out.