FML

[Kyle]

Ring. Ring. Ring. In the middle of a phone call connecting, it's picked up and a voice on the other end introduces themselves.

Braxton: "What a beautiful day it is! Thank you for calling the XHF crisis hotline! My name is Braxton, are you contemplating a decision that'll lead to regret? How can I assist you in not making the worst decision of your life?"

Keith Williams: "Um, human resources suggested I call."

Braxton: "Fan-tastic. And what's your name, stranger?"

Keith Williams: "Keith. Keith Williams."

Braxton: "Keith, it's a pleasure to be speaking with you! You sound like a confident fella, I doubt you need to talk to me."

Keith Williams: "I am, I am, but..."

Braxton: "If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas."

Keith Williams: "What the fuck does that mean?"

Braxton: "What do YOU think it means, Keith? What do YOU want it to mean?"

Keith Williams: "I have no idea, Paxton."

Braxton: "Braxton."

Keith Williams: "Right. I'm having doubts about my win/loss record as of late. I've started to accumulate a lot of losses. Call to Arms slipped through the fingers of The ReVenants. An event we seemed a shoo-in to dominate. My faith in the XHF isn't what it was. Has there ever been a time when you weren't sure about the company?"

Braxton: "Keith, as an independent employee of the XHF family..."

Braxton: "I can't disclose those details to you."

Keith Williams: "Independent employee? Which is it? Are you an employee or an independent contractor?"

Braxton: "Hahaha, that's so funny! You are hilarious!"

Keith Williams: "Are you free to work wherever?"

Braxton: "No, that would be a violation of my contract."

Keith Williams: "Anyways... I can't wrap my head around what I need to do to win. To stand out from everyone else."

Keith Williams: "Learn to speak Spanish and have that translated to stretch my promos?"

Keith Williams: "Edit in random pictures and gifs?"

Keith Williams: "Would upping my word count make me look sophisticated? Scholarly? Dump fat stacks of words until respect is earned?"

Keith Williams: "Maybe drop f-bombs frequently and talk nonsensically?"

Keith Williams: "Be less proactive?"

Keith Williams: "Disregard any advice about pacing and let the flow become a gigantic block of quicksand?"

Keith Williams: "I've got it! I'll do perverted parody skits! Never mind, used that strategy and no one cared. Someone else does it? They're so creative! We love it!"

Braxton: "The best solution is always to..."

Braxton: "Let a spirit inhabit your body."

Keith Williams: "Meh."

Braxton: "There's a formula to winning."

Keith Williams: "Okay? What is it?"

Braxton: "Well... Math is involved. Fractions, percentages, decimal points. That's confirmable."

Keith Williams: "You're quantifying? Could you elaborate?"

Braxton: "Unfortunately, that is too specific and rude of you to ask according to my XHF handbook."

Keith Williams: "What feedback can you give?"

Braxton: "Um... I feel like once you hit fourth gear, that was the Keith I was wanting/expecting and after that it was a lot of fun."

Keith Williams: "A lot of fun?"

Braxton: "Correct. A large number of joy."

Keith Williams: "That isn't very helpful."

Braxton: "Keith, in life... There are lemons."

Keith Williams: "Please don't say what you're going to say."

Braxton: "And when life gives you these lemons, you've got to make lemonade."

Keith Williams: "That's nice. I'm sure when life gives you cybernetic parts you should use those to suck every dick possible to get to the top, but I can't. I can't bend over backward to guzzle dong. It's not a natural reaction for me to fling myself on my knees whenever."

Braxton: "A little sugar in your lemonade would..."

Keith Williams: "Can it, Saxton. Can that lemonade of yours and stick it right up your ass."

Keith Williams: "Is it criminal to want more? To be unhappy as a cog in the wheel?"

Braxton: "It's important to remember that everybody has their place."

Keith Williams: "What's mine?"

Braxton: "Well, there's not enough room at the top right now, so... Keep doing what you're doing and working hard at making others look better than they actually are."

Keith Williams: "Yeah... That sounds like a crock of shit."

Keith Williams: "I want to get jerked."

Braxton: "Join the circle then."

Keith Williams: "I've thought about it, as greasy and disgusting as it seems."

Braxton: "What's the hold up, guy?"

Keith Williams: "I don't know. The whole idea of turning my brain off and jerking someone else to get jerked just seems... Wrong."

Braxton: "That's the type of world we live in, Keith. Were you expecting you'd get jerked based on your abilities alone?"

Keith Williams: "I guess so."

Braxton: "Hahaha, that's so funny! You are hilarious!"

Keith Williams: "Thanks?"

Braxton: "I'm sure that once you start using both hands, you'll find success in no time! One hand cups the balls, the other hand cranks the shaft."

Keith Williams: "I have a dick and balls of my own, Ashton. I'm familiar with what feels good."

Braxton: "Of course."

Keith Williams: "As enlightening as all of this has been, I'm going to have to let you go."

Braxton: "I understand. A reminder from the XHF... You need us, we don't need you! Have a wonderful day!"

The call ends and the Great White Terror has a final thought he needs to express.

Keith Williams: "What a prick."