The Great Cultist Bake Off
Jun 17, 2021 13:13:39 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 1 more like this
Post by bloodiedfox on Jun 17, 2021 13:13:39 GMT -5
This is our first time seeing the exterior of the headquarters and garage of the Esoteric Order of Driving. It is a fine example of traditional New England architecture, evoking the old world and adding historical flavour to the young country of America.
The effect is somewhat marred by it being on fire currently.
In the glow of the merrily burning building, we see our heroes gathered. Armbishi sobs heartbroken, The Car That Should Not Be dabbing gently at his tears with a hanky grasped in a tentacle, as their son H.R. Car-Wolf pats his father comfortingly on the shoulder. Beside the family of three, Bob the Immortal (Because He is a Book) bobs in agitation in mid-air, while Dr Dilbert East sighs at the incineration of their workplace and residence.
If only someone had warned Dr Doofenschmirtz that shoggoths are highly flammable.
Or that our now former sponsor Miss Mason had already got them all working for her for a minimum wage as sweatshop labour, and so was in no danger until they unionised.
Or mentioned the large pile of paperback clones of me that I had brutally murdered to stop my usurpation at their lower RRP, whose corpses I retained to laugh at for my own amusement.
Everyone looks at Bob.
Look, I'm a floating book! I have to get enjoyment out of something!
Bob's sinister antics aside, we have a serious problem. We need to find a way to fix the fire damage, while also preparing for the next CAR race, themed around baked goods.
Impossible! Without Miss Mason's funds we can't afford repairs, and we'll have nowhere to strategize for the race without the garage.
Guys, I've got an idea! A way to make money and prepare for the race at the same time, while also invoking a beloved UK television show for plaudits!
Armbishi, you oversexed himbo! For the last time, none of us are applying to be on Naked Attraction!
...Okay, we'll go with plan B.
We fade up on a marquee in a field, filled with ovens, cooking utensils and ingredients. Within it are our heroes, along with Cross Recoba's favourite TV chef, Mary Berry.
Hello everyone, and welcome to The Great Cultist Bake Off. Today, in a format that is legally distinct from that other show I used to present before Channel 4 stole it from the BBC and that piece of shit Paul Hollywood sold out, the members of the Esoteric Order of Driving are all going to bake cakes and this will somehow raise money to repair their garage. How lovely.
The rest of the show proceeds in highlight fashion, because I no more have the patience to write it all out than you do to read it. Hijinks ensue. The Car's giant oven catches fire. Armbishi forgets to put the top on the blender and covers his face in an off-white substance, before winking into the camera. Bob and Dilbert get into a slapfight over a rolling pin. H.R. Car-Wolf gets emotional over a meringue deflating and is comforted by Mel and Sue. Nadiya Hussain shows up, because the BBC insist on putting her in everything in a way that would be annoying if she wasn't so gosh darn likable and dear god have you tried her rocky road cake recipe? It is divine!
The highlights done, we come to the final judging.
Well, that was certainly eventful. Now let's see what our contestants have made.
The Car has made a three tier wedding cake. Dilbert has made an edible anatomy model, complete with cherry liquor 'circulating' as blood. Bob has made a marzipan recreation of the burning of the Library of Alexandria. H.R. Car-Wolf has made a caterpillar cake, which a team of lawyers from Marks and Spencers immediately run in and hit with a sledgehammer. Armbishi has made...
What exactly are those two wolves made of spun caramel doing?
Well Mary, when a mummy wolf and a daddy wolf love each other very much...
Stop!!!
All heads turn to see Paul Hollywood bursting in.
This is clearly a parody of The Great British Bake-Off, which you no longer have the rights to, you crone!
Hollywood, you mercenary soggy bottom! You've scorned me for the last time!
Mary and Paul go at it in a fierce wooden spoon duel.
Mary! I shall save you, my Aryan queen!
Bob flings himself at Hollywood's head. Meanwhile Mel and Sue engage in fisticuffs with Sandi Toksvig and Matt Lucas, as Nadiya and Noel Fielding have a nice discussion about the difficulty of non-sequiter comedy avoiding slipping into just being purely random gibberish. Dilbert groans in frustration.
It seems all we've discovered about baking is that we're better off sticking to motor racing! Not to mention there's no way we'll get the money for the repairs now!
There's the ~PING~ of a mobile phone notification, and Armbishi pulls out his phone.
That's okay, cult buddy, my OnlyFans takings just came into my bank account. It's several hundred thousand dollars so that should be enough, right?
Dilbert looks at him agog.
How did you make that much? We didn't win the Athletic Cup for you to pose in.
No, but we did win the Fan Belt for our promo, so I just posed in that.
Dilbert still looks confused.
Literally just that.
Oh.
Fade to The Car tentacle-slamming Paul Hollywood into a bin like so much melted ice cream.
The Optional Race Enhancer Questions (explained in other post on roleplay rules):
1. Describe the confetti. With regards to the shape; well, when a mummy wolf and a daddy wolf love each other very much...
2. Any concerns about Mt. HoldMaBeer? Bah! No mere mortal slope can defeat the mythos might of The Car That Should Not Be!
3. Do you want a corner piece or a center piece of cake? Center, obviously! The corner pieces dry out faster.
4. How will your team respond to winning? Ice cream cake!
5. How will your team respond to not winning? Certainly not by opening a bakery, I can tell you that much...
The effect is somewhat marred by it being on fire currently.
In the glow of the merrily burning building, we see our heroes gathered. Armbishi sobs heartbroken, The Car That Should Not Be dabbing gently at his tears with a hanky grasped in a tentacle, as their son H.R. Car-Wolf pats his father comfortingly on the shoulder. Beside the family of three, Bob the Immortal (Because He is a Book) bobs in agitation in mid-air, while Dr Dilbert East sighs at the incineration of their workplace and residence.
If only someone had warned Dr Doofenschmirtz that shoggoths are highly flammable.
Or that our now former sponsor Miss Mason had already got them all working for her for a minimum wage as sweatshop labour, and so was in no danger until they unionised.
Or mentioned the large pile of paperback clones of me that I had brutally murdered to stop my usurpation at their lower RRP, whose corpses I retained to laugh at for my own amusement.
Everyone looks at Bob.
Look, I'm a floating book! I have to get enjoyment out of something!
Bob's sinister antics aside, we have a serious problem. We need to find a way to fix the fire damage, while also preparing for the next CAR race, themed around baked goods.
Impossible! Without Miss Mason's funds we can't afford repairs, and we'll have nowhere to strategize for the race without the garage.
Guys, I've got an idea! A way to make money and prepare for the race at the same time, while also invoking a beloved UK television show for plaudits!
Armbishi, you oversexed himbo! For the last time, none of us are applying to be on Naked Attraction!
...Okay, we'll go with plan B.
We fade up on a marquee in a field, filled with ovens, cooking utensils and ingredients. Within it are our heroes, along with Cross Recoba's favourite TV chef, Mary Berry.
Hello everyone, and welcome to The Great Cultist Bake Off. Today, in a format that is legally distinct from that other show I used to present before Channel 4 stole it from the BBC and that piece of shit Paul Hollywood sold out, the members of the Esoteric Order of Driving are all going to bake cakes and this will somehow raise money to repair their garage. How lovely.
The rest of the show proceeds in highlight fashion, because I no more have the patience to write it all out than you do to read it. Hijinks ensue. The Car's giant oven catches fire. Armbishi forgets to put the top on the blender and covers his face in an off-white substance, before winking into the camera. Bob and Dilbert get into a slapfight over a rolling pin. H.R. Car-Wolf gets emotional over a meringue deflating and is comforted by Mel and Sue. Nadiya Hussain shows up, because the BBC insist on putting her in everything in a way that would be annoying if she wasn't so gosh darn likable and dear god have you tried her rocky road cake recipe? It is divine!
The highlights done, we come to the final judging.
Well, that was certainly eventful. Now let's see what our contestants have made.
The Car has made a three tier wedding cake. Dilbert has made an edible anatomy model, complete with cherry liquor 'circulating' as blood. Bob has made a marzipan recreation of the burning of the Library of Alexandria. H.R. Car-Wolf has made a caterpillar cake, which a team of lawyers from Marks and Spencers immediately run in and hit with a sledgehammer. Armbishi has made...
What exactly are those two wolves made of spun caramel doing?
Well Mary, when a mummy wolf and a daddy wolf love each other very much...
Stop!!!
All heads turn to see Paul Hollywood bursting in.
This is clearly a parody of The Great British Bake-Off, which you no longer have the rights to, you crone!
Hollywood, you mercenary soggy bottom! You've scorned me for the last time!
Mary and Paul go at it in a fierce wooden spoon duel.
Mary! I shall save you, my Aryan queen!
Bob flings himself at Hollywood's head. Meanwhile Mel and Sue engage in fisticuffs with Sandi Toksvig and Matt Lucas, as Nadiya and Noel Fielding have a nice discussion about the difficulty of non-sequiter comedy avoiding slipping into just being purely random gibberish. Dilbert groans in frustration.
It seems all we've discovered about baking is that we're better off sticking to motor racing! Not to mention there's no way we'll get the money for the repairs now!
There's the ~PING~ of a mobile phone notification, and Armbishi pulls out his phone.
That's okay, cult buddy, my OnlyFans takings just came into my bank account. It's several hundred thousand dollars so that should be enough, right?
Dilbert looks at him agog.
How did you make that much? We didn't win the Athletic Cup for you to pose in.
No, but we did win the Fan Belt for our promo, so I just posed in that.
Dilbert still looks confused.
Literally just that.
Oh.
Fade to The Car tentacle-slamming Paul Hollywood into a bin like so much melted ice cream.
The Optional Race Enhancer Questions (explained in other post on roleplay rules):
1. Describe the confetti. With regards to the shape; well, when a mummy wolf and a daddy wolf love each other very much...
2. Any concerns about Mt. HoldMaBeer? Bah! No mere mortal slope can defeat the mythos might of The Car That Should Not Be!
3. Do you want a corner piece or a center piece of cake? Center, obviously! The corner pieces dry out faster.
4. How will your team respond to winning? Ice cream cake!
5. How will your team respond to not winning? Certainly not by opening a bakery, I can tell you that much...