A Startling Revelation (Terry Bradshaw Returns!)
May 19, 2017 20:23:20 GMT -5
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Post by strangerdanger on May 19, 2017 20:23:20 GMT -5
We open up our scene in a diner, somewhere in New York City. The camera pans down a row of customers, sitting at a counter. As we move down this isle, we come up to show a television screen. A news reporter is on the screen, doing a report.
Reporter: That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Any and all local fans of professional wrestling should prepare to buy tickets for The Manhattan Center's Hammerstein Ballroom, right here in New York City. That is where the XHF Network will be hosting their first Showcase event, where competitors from THREE different promotions will clash for the first time! Get your tickets now!
Our camera pans back to the customers, who all have their eyes locked on the television. A waitress standing near the counter, wonders out loud to herself:
Waitress: XHF? Wasn't that where that old NFL guy started to work, like 8 or 9 years ago? What was his name again?
She moves out of the frame, to reveal a large balding man in a suit sitting at the counter, clutching a cop of coffee in his hand, with an intense look on his face.
: TERRY FUCKIN' BRADSHAW.
Waitress: Oh, that's right. Yeah, I used to think he was normal when he was just a football player and analyst, but boy was I wrong. That guy was SO crazy. Thanks honey.
: CRAZY, HUH? DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU?
Before the waitress can answer, Terry throws his hot coffee in her face, causing her to scream out in extreme pain.
: THAT was for not remembering my name! You're just lucky I don't hit ladies! I'm a SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR!
The Waitress doesn't seem to take consolation in this, as she continues to shriek in pain, clutching her face. Terry suddenly leaps up, kicks her in the stomach, and DDT's her into the floor, SMASHING her head into the tiles with brute force.
: YOUR DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY HAS JUST BEEN REVOKED.
Terry Bradshaw straightens out his suit, fixes his tie, and then sprints out of the diner, as customers and workers alike surround the poor woman, checking to see if she's alright. Clearly, she is not. One customer pulls out his cell phone and calls 911 to report the assault, while another is already on the phone, calling for an ambulance. Terry doesn't seem to care, as he begins to run down the streets of New York.
: Where is it, where is it?!
Terry runs up to a complete stranger and screams in his face.
: HAMMERSTEIN BALLROOM. WHERE IS IT?
Stranger: It's about two blocks down the street.
: THANKS A LOT.
With all of his strength, Terry winds up, and then slaps the man across the face as hard as he can, knocking him to the ground. In Terry's mind, this was completely necessary. To the rest of the world, this would appear to be a series of random attacks without any justification.
Terry finally reaches the Hammerstein Ballroom. Terry once again straightens his tie, and brushes off his suit. In a low voice, he speaks out loud to himself:
: Okay, Terry, play it cool. You've been waiting for this opportunity your whole entire life. You wanted to get back in the wrestling game, right? Well, buddy, this is your chance. Don't blow it. Be a professional. And above all else, do NOT act suspicious.
Bradshaw soon barges through the front door of the ball room, entering the empty lobby. Well, empty, except for one janitor who is mopping the floor. Terry runs up to the man and punches him square in the jaw, nearly knocking him out. Before the man can fall to the floor, Terry grabs him by the collar of his shirt, and slams him up against the wall.
: WHERE IS HE?
Janitor: Where is who?
Terry spits in the mans face, and slams him against the wall again.
: DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME. AJ PHOENIX. WHERE IS HE?
Janitor: I have no idea what you're talking about, you crazy prick! Let me go or I'll call the police!
Terry's eyes narrow as he stares into the mans eyes, and into his soul.
: Nice try chameleon, but I'm not buying it. Fuck you, FUCK THE POLICE, and FUCK AJ PHOENIX! What do you have to gain by protecting him, huh? How much is he paying you?
The man begins to respond, but Terry spits in his face and slaps him.
: YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP AJ PHOENIX AND GIVE HIM TO ME, OR YOU CAN DIE SCREAMING ALONG SIDE HIM!
Terry headbutts the janitor, then throws him to the ground, where he mounts him and begins to choke him.
Janitor: I...can't....breathe....
: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEONE IS CHOKING YOU, YOU FOOL!
Finally, as the man's face begins to turn purple, Terry releases his grasp.
: Clearly, this is pointless. I'm sorry. It is unfortunate that I only know realize, I've been going about this whole thing the wrong way.
Terry stands up, and clears his throat. Then he spits on the janitor again.
Janitor: STOP SPITTING ON ME YOU FREAK!
: Wow, that's very rude. I've gotta say, I'm disappointed with your bad attitude sir. A less rational person than myself would be tempted to retort to physical violence in order to gain your respect and favor, but that's not my style. I'm gonna be the bigger man, and walk away.
Janitor: I'm pressing charges! You have no right to even be here, we don't have any events scheduled at this venue tonight!
: "We"? Who's "we"? You and AJ?
Terry once again spits on the janitor, and kicks him in the side.
Janitor: WHO THE HELL IS AJ?!?
: YOU TELL YOUR BUDDY AJ THAT TERRY BRADSHAW IS LOOKING FOR HIM. I'LL BE BACK, AND IF AJ ISN'T HERE WHEN I RETURN, I'M GONNA TAKE IT OUT ON YOU. YOU, OR ANY OTHER POOR SON OF A BITCH WHO GETS IN MY WAY.
One final time, Terry spits on the man. He then straightens his tie for the last time, before exiting the lobby of the Hammerstein Ballroom, and walking out into the crowded streets of New York City. Terry smiles, and speaks out loud to himself:
: I think that went rather well. You've still got it Terry, you ol' rapscallion. Haven't lost a step.
Just then several police officers tackle Terry Bradshaw to the ground, and begin to place handcuffs on him as they read him his Miranda Rights.
: LET ME GO! CAN'T YOU SEE, I AM AN OLD OVERWEIGHT WHITE MALE IN A SUIT. I'M WORTH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS! RULES DON'T APPLY TO ME. ASK THE PRESIDENT IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.
Police Officer: This is what happens when you break the law sir. We're taking you downtown.
: I AM THE LAW.
Police Officer: Quoting Judge Dredd isn't going to get you out of this.
: WHO PUT YOU UP TO THIS? WAS IT AJ? BOY BOY, I BET IT WAS. WELL, YOU TELL AJ THAT JUDGEMENT DAY IS COMING. I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA. I AM THE LIGHT BRINGER. THE TRUTH RINGER. THE VESSEL OF HIS DESTRUCTION. I SHALL FACILITATE THE END OF DAYS OF ALL WHO STAND IN MY WAY. I JUST REFERENCED TWO OLD XHF PAY PER VIEWS BY THE WAY, DECIMATION AND END OF DAYS. AND IF YOU WEREN'T AN IDIOT YOU'D KNOW THAT AND SHOW ME A LITTLE RESPECT. IN ORDER TO GET YOUR RESPECT, I HAVE A FEELING THIS WILL CALL FOR AN.....XTRACTION. YOU'LL GET OVERHEATED, BUT THIS IS NO BIRTHDAY SHOW BUDDY, THIS IS THE NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS, AND ONCE YOU GET YOUR GASTRO FIXED I'M GONNA PYRO IN YOUR MOUTH, AND IT WILL BE NOTHING LESS THAN A BONAFIDE HOMICIDE.
Terry takes a moment to think of more clever lines to use the name of classic XHF Pay Per View events.
: Y'KNOW SOMETHING, I HAD A REAL SEXY RUMBLE WITH YOUR MOM LAST YEAR, ON AN XTREME XMAS NIGHT, AND THROUGH MY POWERFUL THRUSTS SHE LEARNED OF MY SUPREMACY. AFTER SHE EXPERIENCED MY XTREME IMPACT SHE REACHED HER BREAKING POINT. IT WAS ONLY THING THAT I GAINED RETRIBUTION. AND UH.... I THINK THAT WAS MOST OF THEM. (the old XHF PPVs)
Police Officer: Sir, for your own safety, we need you to cooperate with us. We're gonna need you to get in the back of the car.
: PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING ME LATELY IF I'M BACK. WELL NOW, YEAH, I'M THINKING I'M BACK!!!!
Police Officer: Now it sounds like you're just quoting John Wick. Get up on your feet and get in the car, please. We don't want to hurt you.
: WOULD YOU FUCK ME? I'D FUCK ME.
Terry continues to ramble and quote movies and rant as the police lift him up off the ground and escort him into the police car, where he will likely be taken to the local police department to be booked and charged with the assaults he has committed. End scene.
Reporter: That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Any and all local fans of professional wrestling should prepare to buy tickets for The Manhattan Center's Hammerstein Ballroom, right here in New York City. That is where the XHF Network will be hosting their first Showcase event, where competitors from THREE different promotions will clash for the first time! Get your tickets now!
Our camera pans back to the customers, who all have their eyes locked on the television. A waitress standing near the counter, wonders out loud to herself:
Waitress: XHF? Wasn't that where that old NFL guy started to work, like 8 or 9 years ago? What was his name again?
She moves out of the frame, to reveal a large balding man in a suit sitting at the counter, clutching a cop of coffee in his hand, with an intense look on his face.
: TERRY FUCKIN' BRADSHAW. Waitress: Oh, that's right. Yeah, I used to think he was normal when he was just a football player and analyst, but boy was I wrong. That guy was SO crazy. Thanks honey.
: CRAZY, HUH? DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU?Before the waitress can answer, Terry throws his hot coffee in her face, causing her to scream out in extreme pain.
: THAT was for not remembering my name! You're just lucky I don't hit ladies! I'm a SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR! The Waitress doesn't seem to take consolation in this, as she continues to shriek in pain, clutching her face. Terry suddenly leaps up, kicks her in the stomach, and DDT's her into the floor, SMASHING her head into the tiles with brute force.
: YOUR DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY HAS JUST BEEN REVOKED. Terry Bradshaw straightens out his suit, fixes his tie, and then sprints out of the diner, as customers and workers alike surround the poor woman, checking to see if she's alright. Clearly, she is not. One customer pulls out his cell phone and calls 911 to report the assault, while another is already on the phone, calling for an ambulance. Terry doesn't seem to care, as he begins to run down the streets of New York.
: Where is it, where is it?! Terry runs up to a complete stranger and screams in his face.
: HAMMERSTEIN BALLROOM. WHERE IS IT? Stranger: It's about two blocks down the street.
: THANKS A LOT. With all of his strength, Terry winds up, and then slaps the man across the face as hard as he can, knocking him to the ground. In Terry's mind, this was completely necessary. To the rest of the world, this would appear to be a series of random attacks without any justification.
Terry finally reaches the Hammerstein Ballroom. Terry once again straightens his tie, and brushes off his suit. In a low voice, he speaks out loud to himself:
: Okay, Terry, play it cool. You've been waiting for this opportunity your whole entire life. You wanted to get back in the wrestling game, right? Well, buddy, this is your chance. Don't blow it. Be a professional. And above all else, do NOT act suspicious. Bradshaw soon barges through the front door of the ball room, entering the empty lobby. Well, empty, except for one janitor who is mopping the floor. Terry runs up to the man and punches him square in the jaw, nearly knocking him out. Before the man can fall to the floor, Terry grabs him by the collar of his shirt, and slams him up against the wall.
: WHERE IS HE?Janitor: Where is who?
Terry spits in the mans face, and slams him against the wall again.
: DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME. AJ PHOENIX. WHERE IS HE?Janitor: I have no idea what you're talking about, you crazy prick! Let me go or I'll call the police!
Terry's eyes narrow as he stares into the mans eyes, and into his soul.
: Nice try chameleon, but I'm not buying it. Fuck you, FUCK THE POLICE, and FUCK AJ PHOENIX! What do you have to gain by protecting him, huh? How much is he paying you? The man begins to respond, but Terry spits in his face and slaps him.
: YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP AJ PHOENIX AND GIVE HIM TO ME, OR YOU CAN DIE SCREAMING ALONG SIDE HIM!Terry headbutts the janitor, then throws him to the ground, where he mounts him and begins to choke him.
Janitor: I...can't....breathe....
: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEONE IS CHOKING YOU, YOU FOOL! Finally, as the man's face begins to turn purple, Terry releases his grasp.
: Clearly, this is pointless. I'm sorry. It is unfortunate that I only know realize, I've been going about this whole thing the wrong way. Terry stands up, and clears his throat. Then he spits on the janitor again.
Janitor: STOP SPITTING ON ME YOU FREAK!
: Wow, that's very rude. I've gotta say, I'm disappointed with your bad attitude sir. A less rational person than myself would be tempted to retort to physical violence in order to gain your respect and favor, but that's not my style. I'm gonna be the bigger man, and walk away. Janitor: I'm pressing charges! You have no right to even be here, we don't have any events scheduled at this venue tonight!
: "We"? Who's "we"? You and AJ? Terry once again spits on the janitor, and kicks him in the side.
Janitor: WHO THE HELL IS AJ?!?
: YOU TELL YOUR BUDDY AJ THAT TERRY BRADSHAW IS LOOKING FOR HIM. I'LL BE BACK, AND IF AJ ISN'T HERE WHEN I RETURN, I'M GONNA TAKE IT OUT ON YOU. YOU, OR ANY OTHER POOR SON OF A BITCH WHO GETS IN MY WAY. One final time, Terry spits on the man. He then straightens his tie for the last time, before exiting the lobby of the Hammerstein Ballroom, and walking out into the crowded streets of New York City. Terry smiles, and speaks out loud to himself:
: I think that went rather well. You've still got it Terry, you ol' rapscallion. Haven't lost a step. Just then several police officers tackle Terry Bradshaw to the ground, and begin to place handcuffs on him as they read him his Miranda Rights.
: LET ME GO! CAN'T YOU SEE, I AM AN OLD OVERWEIGHT WHITE MALE IN A SUIT. I'M WORTH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS! RULES DON'T APPLY TO ME. ASK THE PRESIDENT IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME. Police Officer: This is what happens when you break the law sir. We're taking you downtown.
: I AM THE LAW. Police Officer: Quoting Judge Dredd isn't going to get you out of this.
: WHO PUT YOU UP TO THIS? WAS IT AJ? BOY BOY, I BET IT WAS. WELL, YOU TELL AJ THAT JUDGEMENT DAY IS COMING. I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA. I AM THE LIGHT BRINGER. THE TRUTH RINGER. THE VESSEL OF HIS DESTRUCTION. I SHALL FACILITATE THE END OF DAYS OF ALL WHO STAND IN MY WAY. I JUST REFERENCED TWO OLD XHF PAY PER VIEWS BY THE WAY, DECIMATION AND END OF DAYS. AND IF YOU WEREN'T AN IDIOT YOU'D KNOW THAT AND SHOW ME A LITTLE RESPECT. IN ORDER TO GET YOUR RESPECT, I HAVE A FEELING THIS WILL CALL FOR AN.....XTRACTION. YOU'LL GET OVERHEATED, BUT THIS IS NO BIRTHDAY SHOW BUDDY, THIS IS THE NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS, AND ONCE YOU GET YOUR GASTRO FIXED I'M GONNA PYRO IN YOUR MOUTH, AND IT WILL BE NOTHING LESS THAN A BONAFIDE HOMICIDE. Terry takes a moment to think of more clever lines to use the name of classic XHF Pay Per View events.
: Y'KNOW SOMETHING, I HAD A REAL SEXY RUMBLE WITH YOUR MOM LAST YEAR, ON AN XTREME XMAS NIGHT, AND THROUGH MY POWERFUL THRUSTS SHE LEARNED OF MY SUPREMACY. AFTER SHE EXPERIENCED MY XTREME IMPACT SHE REACHED HER BREAKING POINT. IT WAS ONLY THING THAT I GAINED RETRIBUTION. AND UH.... I THINK THAT WAS MOST OF THEM. (the old XHF PPVs)Police Officer: Sir, for your own safety, we need you to cooperate with us. We're gonna need you to get in the back of the car.
: PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING ME LATELY IF I'M BACK. WELL NOW, YEAH, I'M THINKING I'M BACK!!!!Police Officer: Now it sounds like you're just quoting John Wick. Get up on your feet and get in the car, please. We don't want to hurt you.
: WOULD YOU FUCK ME? I'D FUCK ME.Terry continues to ramble and quote movies and rant as the police lift him up off the ground and escort him into the police car, where he will likely be taken to the local police department to be booked and charged with the assaults he has committed. End scene.
