Post by Dave D-Flipz on Aug 5, 2021 9:42:03 GMT -5
“DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INCORPORATED!!”
*We open up on the familiar façade of the building in the tri-state area where Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz makes his residence. That’s assumed to be New York/New Jersey/Connecticut for you simple folk. Inside we find the usual setting of the Chemistruckinator on the lab floor surrounded by the driver William “Billy” Lastname, the mechanic Ovi Kintobor, and the weapons expert and chaotician Ian Brundle. The three are making small talk after their disheartening close second place in the Sippy Cup Finals when the jingle – yes they can hear it – signals their financial backer and
"GENTLEMEN! This is a momentous occasion for us! We have successfully proven … on a small scale … that our invention WORKS! Did you hear that old crotchety hag praising us? And that old prospector! What a lovely fellow I should get his autograph for Vanessa …" *Doof Pauses a second to ponder before he looks over his shoulder like someone tapped him then … "Ah yes yes stay on track! The INDOCTRINATOR … IS A SUCCESS! … mildly."
*William looks to the others and shrugs*
"That’s great but how does it help us secure victory over the ghost car and the eldritch nightmare? I mean we certainly look sexy and forceful on the track, I mean who could bet against the amazing Angry Mad Chemists?" *he pauses … his self-confidence has never been this high … and why is Ian looking at him like that? "Uh … that is to say … what is the next step?"
*William scratches his butt. Why are his pants so tight tonight? Ian makes a satisfied “hmm hmm ha” noise but Billy doesn’t notice*
"Why I am so glad you asked young Billy. And might I add you just proved point the second!" *He holds up 2 fingers* "For you see the Indoctrinator, while not a weapon per se … is still an illegal modification and hence we cannot yet use it to subdue the competition DURING the race. So instead … I have been secretly using it on the home bases of ALL THE OTHER TEAMS WHO HAVE EVER DRIVEN A SINGLE RACE FOR COMPETITIVE AUTOMOTIVE RACING! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
*Lightning crackles outside the window on this clear and relatively warm winter evening.*
"Wait. Doof have you been pointing that at OUR base too?"
"Well Ovi I needed a control! I can’t just abuse my new eldritch portal to walk back and forth to every other team all the time. I needed an easy observation! The portal is incredibly taxing!"
*Ian sits up*
"Hmm Ha um … did you um … say portal … portal? As in a wormhole from one location to um … uh some other uh … different location?" *His eyes would be wide in shock at Doof if they weren’t still glued to Billy’s butt. What is going on? Is it bigger? Why is it suddenly attracting the eyes in the room?
"Yes! A portal, how else would we get to the race in so short a time and save energy and chemical fuel? Fuel isn’t cheap you know, I have been using my alimony more wisely on the upkeep of our gadgets and my new lair." *He looks over his shoulder* "What? Oh yes of course I got the light blocking curtains!"
*The team all look at each other confused. Then they turn back to … Billy’s butt … but also Doof*
"Doof, I think we are all wondering why you would point the Indoctrinator at us? We already work for you and we already like ourselves. We’re all narcissistic sociopaths after all! The portal is … intriguing but in line with your new found black magic powers … what could you possibly use the weapon for on us?"
"Ovi … the point is to prove the concept! Back in Gimmelstump we had problems with charlatans providing false data and ruining our lucrative dunkelberry businesses! So I needed data I could trust. So I simply used the same program on you as I have currently bathing every other team! The Angry Mad Chemists are such good fellas, they deserve to win. They’re so likeable and isn’t that Billy attractive!?"
"Ok that all seems logic- AWHAAAAA????"
*They all look at each other. So THAT is why Billy looks so delightfully cuddly right now.*
"Look we need marketability, we don’t have the allure of a possessed car causing familial squabbles and a Scooby Doo complex, we don’t have an eldritch abomination or a talking book or a delightfully funny and snarky sexy werewolf. We aren’t mutated sewer monsters, funded by the biggest villain on the whole network. We aren’t anime heroes with jarring animation, and we aren’t a team being controlled and bankrolled by the same person who orchestrates all these events." *He breaks the fourth wall and waves at the camera to say hi to h2f, Dylan, swann, kira, mtc, and fox* "So we need eyes on OUR star attraction, the driver and car, instead of on the sexy werewolf or phantasm car or tentacle loving fools … also the eldritch horror!"
"Ok but still why … IAN STOP STARING AT MY … why is my butt bulging out of my pants? For that matter why is Ovi’s moustache threatening to choke him around the neck? And why is Ian oozing baby oil onto his chest and stomach like some porn star?"
"Ok so there … there MAAAAAY be some side effects of CONTINOUS close exposure to the weapon over a long period of time. There’s no telling WHAT could happen Billy Bubble Butt. I mean … unexplained plastic surgery, unexplained animation to life of hair, COMPLETELY explained sex appeal, why my goatee even turned blacker! I mean there’s demonic, eldritch old one, and ectoplasmic energies being mixed with our science in that weapon. Pregnancy, cloning, increased libido, pansexuality, demonic or ghostly possession, reanimation … all possible!"
"Uh! What um… what about … death? DEATH? Death is um, a concern yes?"
"Oh no Ian we aren’t violating any rules here! We’re shockingly the most wholesome team in the whole league minus that drag incident … Phroooaggh compliments you by the way!"
"So um … he has an imaginary friend now guys. Wait … you said next race. What race?"
"Oh it’s wonderful, exactly what we needed! It’s not a race for the next Cup Qualifier so winning won’t net us the ability to subvert the wills of the other teams IN race but … it is the Athletic Cup! We will win .. THE GOLDEN …"
*Their eyes all light up as they look on in awe*
"JOCK STRAP!"
*AAAAAAND Instant deflation … you can see the hope and inspiration drain from their faces and go right to Billy’s butt which is now tearing the seams on his evil lab pants.*
"Heinz … my friend … please … if you would be so kind … enlighten us …"
*Ovi is wearing a saccharine smile and his moustache is violently flailing in every direction. He looks sweet like he is really looking for an answer.*
"What … would we do … WITH A GIANT GOLDEN SPORTS PROTECTIVE UNDERGARMENT!!!!"
*His stache nearly pulls him over as it shakes its … fist??? … at Dr. Doofenshmirtz.*
"Isn’t it obvious my dear Dr. Kintobor?"
*Heinz says … then acts as if he really thinks it is and doesn’t keep going.*
"Uh … no?"
"Shh shh shh Billy please, sit your sexy Nikki Minaj booty down and let Ovi answer!"
*Billy sits down … but is still the same height … this is concerning really, someone’s gonna have to deflate that badonkadonk or he won’t fit in the car.*
"… No."
"Oh … wait REALLY?!" *Doof is HONESTLY surprised and shocked. He turns and looks at his empty right side and gestures exasperatedly in confusion pointing at the team* "Ok ok. Here’s why we need to win that race. It is a ONE race circuit where winning means already dethroning Mother as the current cup champions with NO more wins needed, we won the first race after all. And we need the prestige and attention to appease the demonic forces keeping my brain afloat! Also … I want to take up recreational kickball and I need protection for my sensitive areas!"
*They all just stare at him, he blinks and his eyes go dark for a minute then he reboots himself*
"Oh joy I’ve gotten updates from the other teams! And frankly I have a bone to pick with this whole network. How is it that they are willing to allow a pregnant himbo werewolf to even participate in a race this dangerous and deadly? And what’s more there actually WAS a Sippy Cup Strangler? How did the actual police allow this to continue every month? A killer clearly associated with CAR? Maybe even the ghost vehicle itself? This isn’t some on air wrestling soap opera where you can get away with pretending it’s all ‘KAYFABE’ and that nobody’s ACTUALLY being murdered or sexitized by that Krauss fellow. I mean who the heck is letting this all contin…"
***THIS SCENE HAS BEEN REDACTED AND EXPONGED FROM THE XHF NETWORK! WE ARE A WHOLESOME PLACE AND IT’S ALL ENTERTAINMENT! HAHAHA! NOW GO WATCH CAR! –MONGO THE DESTROYER***
