Post by Dave D-Flipz on Aug 5, 2021 9:49:52 GMT -5
The crowd goes wild as they anticipate the race to come. The Silicone Cup this year is a time trial, and the Angry Mad Chemists are out to claim their second specialty title in CAR. The Chemistruckinator approaches the starting line at the top of the mountain. In the driver seat is young evil scientist and horrible driver, William Lastname. Billy grips the steering wheel in what would surely be white knuckle grip, if, of course, his hands weren’t hidden by his trademark black lab gloves. He puts down his evil goggles and revs the engine. The radio buzzes to life. From the pit area at the base of the mountain we see the other two members of the team sitting with all kinds of diagnostic equipment. The mechanic, Ovi Kintobor, looks at a readout being spit out by his multitude of robots.
Ovi: All systems are go, Billy. The car hasn’t ever given us readouts this smooth before. It is ready.
The chaotician, geneticist, weapons expert speaks up next. Dr. Ian Brundle shifts his glasses down his nose and looks at the engine readings.
Ian: No doubt due, heh, to the lack of interference from um, our, um, benefactor. The engine is, um, ready, uh, for firing. The chemical engine should run, um, hehe, like a dream!
Billy: It’s amazing how much science we can get done relying only on our expertise and tech isn’t it? Doof will surely be back, but for now let’s enjoy the freedom this has given us.
A wingaling dragon with a beefy arm coming out of the back of his neck flies overhead. He lets out a burst of fire and a screech as the starting horn sounds.
Billy: Remind me UMPH! *he jams the pedal down and crushes the throttle to max speed* when we get home, to see what is wrong with the eldritch dragon horror.
Ovi: He hasn’t been acting his usual self lately. Like he is of two minds.
Ian: I suspect, um, without Doof here, to act as a conduit for um, the power of the Old Ones … Phroooaggh is losing control of the Burninator’s body!
Billy: TOPICS FOR ANOTHER DAY!
The chemistruckinator rips down the opening straight and the first few curves at breakneck pace. The engine purrs with chemical glory. The majesty is not lost on the announcers.
As Billy rips towards the first obstacle he prepares to gun it … when he sees over the cliff. His foot instinctively slams the brake and his goggles fly up onto the top of his head. He breathes heavily.
Ovi: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GO OVER! WHAT IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN!?
Billy: I could lose a wheel! Or a leg! Or the suspension! I HATE HEIGHTS!
Ian: The vehicle has redundancies in every position. A wheel would not adversely affect the performance!
Billy: SCREW YOU LOOK HOW HIGH I AM!
Ian: I wish I was high …
Billy torques the wheel to the side and barrels around the very sharp curve. The size of the chemistruckinator causes it to scrape against the mountain side as Billy gains speed via throttle and gravity. He aims the corrosion cannons at the mountain and fires a volley of shots that immediately eats away the wall just enough to allow the car to stop scraping itself. However the rocks become unstable and litter the course behind him as they crumble into the holes the corrosion has made.
Ian: I fear the travel bureau and the CAR and XHF executives will have something, um, to um, say about damaging a national landmark.
Ovi: FUCK MONGO! We didn’t kill anyone so we are still within the rules. Silly as rules may be.
Billy: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Billy now is fully on board with this roller coaster ride around the mountain and squeals with a childlike glee. It’d be heartwarming if it wasn’t also so evil and horrible. Either way the indoctrinator is off so the fans seem to be enjoying it, but the CAR team seems to be apathetic to his fun.
Billy: Approaching the bottom of the mountain! Riverbed straightaway!
Billy guns the chemical engine into overdrive. The rocks and shrapnel being kicked up by the heavy truck rumbling over the silt and sediment glances off the vehicle’s ablative armor without even a minor scratch. With no enemies to worry about, Billy is really showing the speed he can coax out of the science machine.
Billy: N-n-n-ot-t-t the sm-m-oo-oo-oo-th-est-t-t of rii-iii-iii-des!
Billy’s words show off every bump and rumble. The chemistruckinator seems to fly down the river bed with uncharacteristic ease. It’s about this time that Ian and Ovi perk up and …
Ovi: REDUCE YOUR SPEED YOU FOOL!
Ian: The shocks and uh … your tender sensibilities, hehe, haha, um … won’t like the added speed and height of the um … advanced bunny hop!
Billy: Say what now?
Billy pulls his goggles down and sees the jump ahead and realizes this truck is not meant to hit that … with crazy, ludicrous speeds. The world slows down for our intrepid driver as he quickly uses his evil, horrible super-genius to formulate a plan. He throttles up and aims his indoctrinator … at his own cockpit! As he hits the jump he hits both the red button and green button in the truck. An orbital blast of D.O.O.F. FLOOF® fires down and litters the ground where the truck is going to land. Some of it coating the front grill and undercarriage around the front wheels. Meanwhile the indoctrinator blasts Billy with full power and his butt inflates to gargantuan airbag size!
Billy: WOW! I HAVE A WONDERFUL MASSIVE BADONKADONK! THESE CHEMISTS SURE ARE THE BEST!
Ovi: It’d be brilliant if that wasn’t so hilarious …
The chemistruckinator hits the ground with a soft ploof as the floof from the distance oriented orbital fluffinator completely cushions the blow with minimal speed loss. The car spins out ever so slightly. Billy is unharmed and locked in place in his seat due to his massive padding on his junky trunk. He turns off the indoctrinator as his butt slowly deflates with a PFFFFT sound.
Ian: YEE HAW! It worked!
Billy: I’M A GENIUS! What’s that?
Sure enough as the car pushes a massive storm of floof in front of it and carries it in its wake, it moves to the finish line where a man in a black lab coat stands. He looks like has been walking for a long ass time. His suit is dirty, his shoes are falling apart, he is panting. He hoists a megaphone!
“DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INCORPORATED!!”
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: HOLD IT RIGHT HERE! I AM HEREBY CANCELLING THIS RACE! YOU HEAR ME! I DID NOT APPROVE OR SIGN UP MY TEAM! HOW DARE YOU ALL HOLD A RACE WITHOUT ME!? I DEMAND THE ESOTERIC ORDER OF DRIVING BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE TRAGEDY I HAVE WITNESSED! … *to himself* and slightly caused … *loud again* EVERYONE CAN GO HOME! THE RULER OF THE TRI-STATE AREA DOCTOR HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ HAS DECREED THAT – hey what’s that coming … YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
The chemistruckinator barrels over the finish line and the wheels smoke as the brakes are all hit. The car slows and Doof is covered in a mountain of floof. The car skids to a halt right near where he was. A single hand emerges from the floof mountain JUST in front of the car.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I’m alright! I wet myself! I’m going home!
Doof makes a hand symbol and teleports away.
Ovi: Did … did he WALK all the way from Boston to North Carolina?
Billy: Did he forget how to use his powers? Or ask for a ride?
Ian: Did we, uh, win?
The dragon screeches overhead and zips away with speed back towards the tri-state area. The Angry Mad Chemists are left standing by the car stunned.
Ovi: All systems are go, Billy. The car hasn’t ever given us readouts this smooth before. It is ready.
The chaotician, geneticist, weapons expert speaks up next. Dr. Ian Brundle shifts his glasses down his nose and looks at the engine readings.
Ian: No doubt due, heh, to the lack of interference from um, our, um, benefactor. The engine is, um, ready, uh, for firing. The chemical engine should run, um, hehe, like a dream!
Billy: It’s amazing how much science we can get done relying only on our expertise and tech isn’t it? Doof will surely be back, but for now let’s enjoy the freedom this has given us.
A wingaling dragon with a beefy arm coming out of the back of his neck flies overhead. He lets out a burst of fire and a screech as the starting horn sounds.
Billy: Remind me UMPH! *he jams the pedal down and crushes the throttle to max speed* when we get home, to see what is wrong with the eldritch dragon horror.
Ovi: He hasn’t been acting his usual self lately. Like he is of two minds.
Ian: I suspect, um, without Doof here, to act as a conduit for um, the power of the Old Ones … Phroooaggh is losing control of the Burninator’s body!
Billy: TOPICS FOR ANOTHER DAY!
The chemistruckinator rips down the opening straight and the first few curves at breakneck pace. The engine purrs with chemical glory. The majesty is not lost on the announcers.
As Billy rips towards the first obstacle he prepares to gun it … when he sees over the cliff. His foot instinctively slams the brake and his goggles fly up onto the top of his head. He breathes heavily.
Ovi: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GO OVER! WHAT IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN!?
Billy: I could lose a wheel! Or a leg! Or the suspension! I HATE HEIGHTS!
Ian: The vehicle has redundancies in every position. A wheel would not adversely affect the performance!
Billy: SCREW YOU LOOK HOW HIGH I AM!
Ian: I wish I was high …
Billy torques the wheel to the side and barrels around the very sharp curve. The size of the chemistruckinator causes it to scrape against the mountain side as Billy gains speed via throttle and gravity. He aims the corrosion cannons at the mountain and fires a volley of shots that immediately eats away the wall just enough to allow the car to stop scraping itself. However the rocks become unstable and litter the course behind him as they crumble into the holes the corrosion has made.
Ian: I fear the travel bureau and the CAR and XHF executives will have something, um, to um, say about damaging a national landmark.
Ovi: FUCK MONGO! We didn’t kill anyone so we are still within the rules. Silly as rules may be.
Billy: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Billy now is fully on board with this roller coaster ride around the mountain and squeals with a childlike glee. It’d be heartwarming if it wasn’t also so evil and horrible. Either way the indoctrinator is off so the fans seem to be enjoying it, but the CAR team seems to be apathetic to his fun.
Billy: Approaching the bottom of the mountain! Riverbed straightaway!
Billy guns the chemical engine into overdrive. The rocks and shrapnel being kicked up by the heavy truck rumbling over the silt and sediment glances off the vehicle’s ablative armor without even a minor scratch. With no enemies to worry about, Billy is really showing the speed he can coax out of the science machine.
Billy: N-n-n-ot-t-t the sm-m-oo-oo-oo-th-est-t-t of rii-iii-iii-des!
Billy’s words show off every bump and rumble. The chemistruckinator seems to fly down the river bed with uncharacteristic ease. It’s about this time that Ian and Ovi perk up and …
Ovi: REDUCE YOUR SPEED YOU FOOL!
Ian: The shocks and uh … your tender sensibilities, hehe, haha, um … won’t like the added speed and height of the um … advanced bunny hop!
Billy: Say what now?
Billy pulls his goggles down and sees the jump ahead and realizes this truck is not meant to hit that … with crazy, ludicrous speeds. The world slows down for our intrepid driver as he quickly uses his evil, horrible super-genius to formulate a plan. He throttles up and aims his indoctrinator … at his own cockpit! As he hits the jump he hits both the red button and green button in the truck. An orbital blast of D.O.O.F. FLOOF® fires down and litters the ground where the truck is going to land. Some of it coating the front grill and undercarriage around the front wheels. Meanwhile the indoctrinator blasts Billy with full power and his butt inflates to gargantuan airbag size!
Billy: WOW! I HAVE A WONDERFUL MASSIVE BADONKADONK! THESE CHEMISTS SURE ARE THE BEST!
Ovi: It’d be brilliant if that wasn’t so hilarious …
The chemistruckinator hits the ground with a soft ploof as the floof from the distance oriented orbital fluffinator completely cushions the blow with minimal speed loss. The car spins out ever so slightly. Billy is unharmed and locked in place in his seat due to his massive padding on his junky trunk. He turns off the indoctrinator as his butt slowly deflates with a PFFFFT sound.
Ian: YEE HAW! It worked!
Billy: I’M A GENIUS! What’s that?
Sure enough as the car pushes a massive storm of floof in front of it and carries it in its wake, it moves to the finish line where a man in a black lab coat stands. He looks like has been walking for a long ass time. His suit is dirty, his shoes are falling apart, he is panting. He hoists a megaphone!
“DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INCORPORATED!!”
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: HOLD IT RIGHT HERE! I AM HEREBY CANCELLING THIS RACE! YOU HEAR ME! I DID NOT APPROVE OR SIGN UP MY TEAM! HOW DARE YOU ALL HOLD A RACE WITHOUT ME!? I DEMAND THE ESOTERIC ORDER OF DRIVING BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE TRAGEDY I HAVE WITNESSED! … *to himself* and slightly caused … *loud again* EVERYONE CAN GO HOME! THE RULER OF THE TRI-STATE AREA DOCTOR HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ HAS DECREED THAT – hey what’s that coming … YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
The chemistruckinator barrels over the finish line and the wheels smoke as the brakes are all hit. The car slows and Doof is covered in a mountain of floof. The car skids to a halt right near where he was. A single hand emerges from the floof mountain JUST in front of the car.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I’m alright! I wet myself! I’m going home!
Doof makes a hand symbol and teleports away.
Ovi: Did … did he WALK all the way from Boston to North Carolina?
Billy: Did he forget how to use his powers? Or ask for a ride?
Ian: Did we, uh, win?
The dragon screeches overhead and zips away with speed back towards the tri-state area. The Angry Mad Chemists are left standing by the car stunned.
