Real Cases. Real People. (A Copycat [Showcase/KWF]

[ForeverKuroi]

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Prologue - A Couple Hours Earlier

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CK Owens is in prison. It's cold and dark, even during a bright morning in early June. CK Owens is passed out, as usual (even though we always see him awake during RPs.) An officer pulls out his night stick, as opposed to his meat stick (which would be unprofessional considering that's his penis) and bangs it against the bars of the cell.

: "Wake up, Mr. Owens. It's time for you to get arraigned."

: "..."

The police officer turns and catches a colleague of his, another police officer, and stops her. Yes, I said her. She's a woman. Police officers can be women too, you racist.

: "What's up?"

: "Yeah, what's his deal?"

: "What do you mean?"

: "I've been trying to wake this guy up for like ten minutes, and he hasn't gotten up. Should we like check to see if he's still breathing or something?"

Just then, a high-pitched fart came from the Rat Bastard himself, CK Owens. (I mean, the one NOT banned from the XHF.) The note was so high that the only one that can probably sing it would be like Mariah Carey or something.

: "Pretty sure he's not dead. And you won't be able to wake him up. He's been here before. You can't and won't be able to wake him. We've tried before. It's just best to do it when he's awake."

: "My God... What kind of drunk is this man?"

The two officers walk off, done with their rounds for the hour. The camera zooms in on CK Owens in his peaceful nap... No, that's not right. Slumber? ...Period of unconsciousness? Yeah. That sounds about right. The camera zooms in and suddenly...

BOOM!

The high-quality, high-technological and high-security wall of the jail breaks. Yep, concrete broke. Who's behind it? A wolf. A majestic canine, fueled by alcohol. How did it break? A large beam of energy that came from the wolf's mouth. Who was it? Hillbilly Jim. In all his glory. Hillbilly Jim breaks in. He finds CK Owens.

: *BARK*

: "..."

: "You've got to be kidding me. You're still asleep, you Rat Bastard!?"

Of course, Terry Bradshaw isn't actually here. (Although you're right to assume. Even though we can't see him, he could be here.) Hillbilly Jim has a walkie-talkie around his collar. This stil doesn't explain how Terry could know CK Owens wasn't conscious. It's a plot hole. In a role-play. A fictional world by people we don't even really know. Sue me.)

: "..."

: "WAKE UP! QUICK! Hillbilly Jim just leveled up so I taught him hyper beam, but this means he can't do anything for another turn!"

: "..."

: "You know what? I got you some shitty bourbon. But I think Mosh can have it."

Just like that - CK Owens wakes up, grabs Hillbilly Jim (who can't do shit for a turn because of hyper beam) and runs out of the jail cell. He screams on his way out.


: RAAAANNCCOORRR

The two police officers run into the area and find CK Owens leaving.

: "Holy crap! We need to notify the sergeant!"

The female officer stops him and hugs his arm. She rests her arm against it. She stares longingly.

: "Oh, come now. Boys will be boys."

The other police officer looks down at her and narrows his eyes.

: "This is why girls can't be cops."

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Present Time

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During the aforementioned video, Copycat, Terry Bradshaw and CK "Rat Bastard" Owens approaches on the plaintiff's side. On the defendant's side is the booker of the Eggciting Eggplant, Robert Jacobs. (If you can't tell from the video, his image base is the bearded Mel Gibson.) Judge Judy approaches and the Bailiff stands forward.

: "All in the courtroom please stand."

Everyone stands. Except, of course, for Terry Bradshaw.

: "Sir, please stand."

: "Simon didn't say so. But it looks like everyone else lost, so I'll stand. Just because you're just so adorable."

Terry Bradshaw whispers into CK Owens' ear.

: ""We have a black bailiff. It's so nice for them to let him have a job."

CK Owens ignores him.

: "You may all sit back down. The Honorable Judge Judith Sheindlin is now approaching."

Judge Judy enters the courtroom. She sits down.

: "Alright, alright. Mr. Copycat. Who is that?"

: "That's me, your honor."

: "Before I even get into this case, I want to ask what your last name is."

: "I don't have one, your honor."

: "So what you're telling me is you have one first name, Copycat. No middle name. No last name. Is that right?"

: "Yes, your honor."

: "Well I find that to be completely asinine. Everyone has a last name. While I can't force you to not have a last name, I'd heavily suggest you get one immediately."

: "Yes, your honor."

: "Anyway, onto your case. It looks like you, Mr. Copycat, entered into an agreement with Mr. Jacobs for providing your... services to him for one night, is that correct?"

: "That's right, your honor. Daddy told me that if I could take care of his champion that I could win the belt. I have, and Daddy refused to give it to me?"

: "Daddy? Who's Daddy?"

: "I believe he's referring to me, your honor. I've instructed him to call me as 'Daddy' for the purposes of our contract."

: "Daddy? You've said it yourself sir, this is a business contract. There's no room for pet names."

: "And when I asked for the belt, Daddy to-"

: "Do not call him 'Daddy' in our courtroom, sir! You will refer to him as 'Mr. Jacobs!'"

: "...Mr. Jacobs told me to get out, flatly refusing to give me the belt I won."

: "This man KI-"

: "Excuse me! Did I ask you a question?"

: "No, you didn-"

: "Then stop talking!"

: "You tell that rapscallion! You show him who's boss!"

: "Sir, am I going to have a hard time with you?"

: "I think you already are, my love."

: "Now, Mr. Jacobs. What is your complaint?"

: "The bald man you just spoke to killed an employee of mine. Shot him right through the chest!

Judge Judy begins shuffling through the papers on her desk.

: "Two things. First off, this is small claims court, not criminal court. And you made a complaint that is criminal in nature, so I'm going to have dismiss your complaint. Secondly, I'm not going to have anyone in this courtroom who is wanted by police, but as far as Mr. Bradshaw is concerned, his case has already been dismissed by another judge."

: "But he-"

: "SHUT UP, MR. JACOBS OR I WILL HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT OF COURT!"

Terry Bradshaw leans into CK Owens' ear.

: "My God, this vixen is making me so hard right now."

CK Owens controls his impulse to vomit.

: "Now Mr. Copycat, what were the terms of the contract?"

: "Dadd-Err, Mr. Jacobs told me that if I could best his employee in a wrestling match that I could get the championship belt that he had. It was a championship match."

: "Mr. Jacobs, is this true?"

: "What? No! I've never promoted a wrestling match in my life! We never discussed wrestling ever!"

: "Do you have a copy of the contract?"

: "No, your honor. All my contracts have been verbal."

: "A poor way to do business, Mr. Jacobs. How do you describe the verbal contract?"

: "We were shooting a pornographic film that is homosexual in nature.

On that note, Copycat's jaw dropped. CK Owens' jaw dropped. Even Terry Bradshaw's jaw dropped, even though it was still smiling. Bradshaw turned over to Copycat and stared at him, trying to telepathically ask him what the hell he was thinking.

: "Copycat stated that he was comfortable with the use of belts. He stated how he has been with many men, large men, experienced men. So I've signed him. He felt really excited for the belt, but I took him as excited for entering this company and for being submissive."

: "Mr. Copycat. Is this true?"

: "Oh my god. I think I'm going to be sick."

: "Please answer the question."

: "No, I've never agreed to any of this! I'm not gay! I don't do pornos! At least not the gay ones! I thought this was a wrestling match!"

: "Alright. I've seen all I've need to see. Mr. Jacobs, you have failed to properly outline the expectations for your... company to Mr. Copycat. However, you've both agreed to the... belt that Mr. Copycat has requested. Therefore, you're required to give the belt to him, and reimburse him for all court fees. This is why all business proceedings should be made in writing. Judgement to the plaintiff, Mr. Copycat. We're through here."

Judge Judy bangs on the gavel. The scene ends after the following video.

[strangerdanger]

*Applauds*

Freaking amazing!!