Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Jun 7, 2017 7:21:15 GMT -5
*The camera opens as a bedazzled Nelly Angel in designer sunglasses and (probably fake) fur walks towards the viewer. Behind him is a near-perfect matte painting of a Hollywood opening, from off camera flash camera lights as we hear people calling out to Hollywood Nelly Angel.*
Male 1: Nelly, over here! Over here!
Female: Oh! So cute!
Male 2: I want to be your lover!
Male 1: Um- he means as someone who loves you in a non-physical way of course
Male 2: Actually I-
Male 1: Ssssh, this is all about you Nelly!
Female: HALLELUJAH NELLY ANGEL!
*As the noise and camera flashes die down, Nelly takes off his sunglasses, whipping his immotile hair as the wind blows around him, then also calms down. He smiles into the camera.*
Nelly: Steve Awesome, this is the life you’re used to, right? The glitz, the glamour, the wild hot nights watching movies in crowded openings. But what else would you be doing? You’re a wrestler-turned-direct-to-DVD-actor-who-also-wrestles. That’s what your life affords you. But me, I’m an interviewer-turned-wrestler-turned-kidnapping victim-turned-staff member-turned-wrestler again. I don’t come from this world….
*Nelly flares his hands out like you would imagine some Hollywood “artiste” would. As he does so the background matte painting is pushed off stage left by Randy Angel and a lighting rig is pushed off stage right by a giant clown man- they criss-cross each other behind Nelly. Behind him is just a studio back lot. It’s the middle of the afternoon; that whole previous scene was just movie magic that’s now gone. All that remains is Nelly Angel.*
Nelly: No, I come from a world of facts and figures, a world of statistics. But as it turns out, I’m not actually that great at math. So to help me today, I thought I would call on my good friend, Octavia Spencer, star of the recent hit film “Hidden Figures.”
*Octavia walks up next to Nelly.*
Nelly: In Hidden Figures, Octavia Spencer plays the role of a nice, but sassy, NASA lady who does math. So she’s gonna help us today, right Octavia Spencer?
Octavia: You don’t have to keep using my full name like that, it’s weird.
Nelly: Haha, oh you and your sass. Anyway, she’s probably better than math, so she’s gonna help us crunch the numbers for our big match on Sunday. You ready Octavia Sp- err.. Octavia?
Octavia: You better believe it!
*Octavia Spencer, the Oscar-winning actress, sassily walks behind Nelly as the giant clown man pushes a white board over to her. Nelly waits while she prepares her dry erase marker*
Nelly: Watch that sass now Octavia!
Octavia: You watch your sass, Nelly!
Nelly: Yes ma’am. Anyway, let’s look at the facts. Number one, I’ve been an employed by the XHF and XHF Network for sixteen years now
*Octavia writes up a comparison list for Nelly and Steve:
Nelly: What about you? I don’t really wanna look it up, but we’ll take a guess at what, five solid years?
Nelly: I’ve had 7 years to rest, you’ve had….probably zero.
Nelly: I own one pair of sunglasses.
*He holds his up.*
Nelly: These. You probably own…countless sunglasses. And you know what countless means on a stats sheet? Octavia?
Octavia: A whole lotta nothing!
Nelly: Yeah!
Nelly: How many raw eggs did you eat this week? I didn’t eat any because it’s gross. Also, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you also didn’t- again, because it’s gross and I think more of you than that.
Nelly: How many times did you Gangnam Style today? Me? Oh….once.
*Nelly points to the side as the screen is cut in half. On the new half of the screen we see Nelly, Octavia, Randy, and the clown man getting publicity photos taken in a studio. They are Gangnam Style-ing. Well, Randy isn’t, judging by how poorly he’s doing the Macarena and the fact that he’s doing the Macarena at all we can assume he’s very drunk. The split then slides back off screen leaving Nelly and Octavia again.*
Nelly: You? Probably none.
Nelly: How many roommates do you have to bring you up and have zany sitcom-like adventures with? I have two.
*Nelly holds up his fingers in a V to symbolize 2. But the bigger issue is who his second roommate is. Is it the clown? Why would a clown be living with Nelly? Isn’t that weird? Why isn’t this being discussed?*
Nelly: A big star like you probably doesn’t have roommates per say, but rather significant others, family, and staff. But who knows. I don’t know your personal life.
Nelly: Alright, let’s add this up. Miss Spencer, let’s get the count!
*Octavia looks over the white board.*
Octavia: Hmmm, looks like you’ve got twenty-seven, and Steve Awesome has…five?
Nelly: Why did you say that as a question?
Octavia: Gotta do something with that question mark.
*Nelly does the obnoxious but sometimes endearing double point to Octavia*
Nelly: Sass!
*They laugh. Nelly turns back to the camera and looks at it.*
Nelly: The numbers are on my side Steve, what do you have going for you? Eh? Eh?
*Suddenly “Gangnam Style” starts playing. Nelly starts getting into it, as does queen of resting sass-face, Octavia Spencer.*
Nelly: Make that two times today.
*Nelly Gangnam Styles backward as he gets close to Octavia; they are really getting into it, then Nelly bends over but he’s quickly stopped.*
Octavia: I told you last time, I’m not letting you yell at my rear!
Nelly: Yes ma’am.
*The camera fades out as Nelly’s sunglasses return and he and the Academy Award-winning actress get their Gangnam on. Randy Angel and the clown also horse-dance onto the screen. The end. OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!*
Male 1: Nelly, over here! Over here!
Female: Oh! So cute!
Male 2: I want to be your lover!
Male 1: Um- he means as someone who loves you in a non-physical way of course
Male 2: Actually I-
Male 1: Ssssh, this is all about you Nelly!
Female: HALLELUJAH NELLY ANGEL!
*As the noise and camera flashes die down, Nelly takes off his sunglasses, whipping his immotile hair as the wind blows around him, then also calms down. He smiles into the camera.*
Nelly: Steve Awesome, this is the life you’re used to, right? The glitz, the glamour, the wild hot nights watching movies in crowded openings. But what else would you be doing? You’re a wrestler-turned-direct-to-DVD-actor-who-also-wrestles. That’s what your life affords you. But me, I’m an interviewer-turned-wrestler-turned-kidnapping victim-turned-staff member-turned-wrestler again. I don’t come from this world….
*Nelly flares his hands out like you would imagine some Hollywood “artiste” would. As he does so the background matte painting is pushed off stage left by Randy Angel and a lighting rig is pushed off stage right by a giant clown man- they criss-cross each other behind Nelly. Behind him is just a studio back lot. It’s the middle of the afternoon; that whole previous scene was just movie magic that’s now gone. All that remains is Nelly Angel.*
Nelly: No, I come from a world of facts and figures, a world of statistics. But as it turns out, I’m not actually that great at math. So to help me today, I thought I would call on my good friend, Octavia Spencer, star of the recent hit film “Hidden Figures.”
*Octavia walks up next to Nelly.*
Nelly: In Hidden Figures, Octavia Spencer plays the role of a nice, but sassy, NASA lady who does math. So she’s gonna help us today, right Octavia Spencer?
Octavia: You don’t have to keep using my full name like that, it’s weird.
Nelly: Haha, oh you and your sass. Anyway, she’s probably better than math, so she’s gonna help us crunch the numbers for our big match on Sunday. You ready Octavia Sp- err.. Octavia?
Octavia: You better believe it!
*Octavia Spencer, the Oscar-winning actress, sassily walks behind Nelly as the giant clown man pushes a white board over to her. Nelly waits while she prepares her dry erase marker*
Nelly: Watch that sass now Octavia!
Octavia: You watch your sass, Nelly!
Nelly: Yes ma’am. Anyway, let’s look at the facts. Number one, I’ve been an employed by the XHF and XHF Network for sixteen years now
*Octavia writes up a comparison list for Nelly and Steve:
Nelly = 16
Steve =
Steve =
Nelly: What about you? I don’t really wanna look it up, but we’ll take a guess at what, five solid years?
Nelly = 16
Steve = 5
Steve = 5
Nelly: I’ve had 7 years to rest, you’ve had….probably zero.
Nelly = 16 + 7
Steve = 5 + 0
Steve = 5 + 0
Nelly: I own one pair of sunglasses.
*He holds his up.*
Nelly: These. You probably own…countless sunglasses. And you know what countless means on a stats sheet? Octavia?
Octavia: A whole lotta nothing!
Nelly: Yeah!
Nelly = 16 + 7 +1
Steve = 5 + 0 +0
Steve = 5 + 0 +0
Nelly: How many raw eggs did you eat this week? I didn’t eat any because it’s gross. Also, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you also didn’t- again, because it’s gross and I think more of you than that.
Nelly = 16 + 7 +1 + 0
Steve = 5 + 0 +0 + 0
Steve = 5 + 0 +0 + 0
Nelly: How many times did you Gangnam Style today? Me? Oh….once.
*Nelly points to the side as the screen is cut in half. On the new half of the screen we see Nelly, Octavia, Randy, and the clown man getting publicity photos taken in a studio. They are Gangnam Style-ing. Well, Randy isn’t, judging by how poorly he’s doing the Macarena and the fact that he’s doing the Macarena at all we can assume he’s very drunk. The split then slides back off screen leaving Nelly and Octavia again.*
Nelly: You? Probably none.
Nelly = 16 + 7 + 1 + 0 + 1
Steve = 5 + 0 +0 + 0 + 0
Steve = 5 + 0 +0 + 0 + 0
Nelly: How many roommates do you have to bring you up and have zany sitcom-like adventures with? I have two.
*Nelly holds up his fingers in a V to symbolize 2. But the bigger issue is who his second roommate is. Is it the clown? Why would a clown be living with Nelly? Isn’t that weird? Why isn’t this being discussed?*
Nelly: A big star like you probably doesn’t have roommates per say, but rather significant others, family, and staff. But who knows. I don’t know your personal life.
Nelly = 16 + 7 + 1 + 0 + 1 + 2
Steve = 5 + 0 +0 + 0 + 0 + ?
Steve = 5 + 0 +0 + 0 + 0 + ?
Nelly: Alright, let’s add this up. Miss Spencer, let’s get the count!
*Octavia looks over the white board.*
Octavia: Hmmm, looks like you’ve got twenty-seven, and Steve Awesome has…five?
Nelly: Why did you say that as a question?
Octavia: Gotta do something with that question mark.
*Nelly does the obnoxious but sometimes endearing double point to Octavia*
Nelly: Sass!
*They laugh. Nelly turns back to the camera and looks at it.*
Nelly: The numbers are on my side Steve, what do you have going for you? Eh? Eh?
*Suddenly “Gangnam Style” starts playing. Nelly starts getting into it, as does queen of resting sass-face, Octavia Spencer.*
Nelly: Make that two times today.
*Nelly Gangnam Styles backward as he gets close to Octavia; they are really getting into it, then Nelly bends over but he’s quickly stopped.*
Octavia: I told you last time, I’m not letting you yell at my rear!
Nelly: Yes ma’am.
*The camera fades out as Nelly’s sunglasses return and he and the Academy Award-winning actress get their Gangnam on. Randy Angel and the clown also horse-dance onto the screen. The end. OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!*
