Post by ForeverKuroi on Jun 8, 2017 19:36:29 GMT -5
Fade in. It's Saturday, June 10th - the eve of the XHF's second showcase event. Terry, Copycat and CK Owens are outside of a prestigious hotel. It's not sided with vinyl or brick, but rather, with natural stone. It's shaped like a castle and surely costs hundreds upon hundreds for a mere night's stay in even their most economical room. Its called the 'Le Mongo'. All three of them appear to be dressed nicely. Terry, of course, is wearing his navy blue suit. Copycat is wearing a red button down shirt with slacks. Even Owens managed to find a blazer from the local Salvation Army. Terry even helped him with a discount he had (of the five-fingered variety). As the three dismounts from their loyal wolves, they approach the castle.
: "Boy, Mr. Bradshaw. It was awfully kind of you to pay for a room for all of us to party tonight."
: "But of course! And i got the multi-room suite too! Nothing is too good for BANG. We have two champions between the three of us so we ought to party like champions! Which reminds me. CK, when are you going to get off your keister and start contributing to the team?
CK Owens reacts with nothing but a loud belch. Terry grabs his chin and nods.
: "That's a good point. I haven't thought about it like that."
Just then, some stupid Nickelback song plays. Copycat reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. He answers it.
: "Hello. This is Copycat."
Pause.
: "Bank of America?"
Pause.
: "Fraudulent activity?"
Just then, Terry jumps into action. He grabs the phone out of Copycat's hands.
: "NOW LISTEN TO ME, YOU RUFFIAN. IF YOU EVER - AND I MEAN EVER - CALL MY FRIEND AGAIN, I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH AND PUT YOUR HEAD ON A PIKE!"
Terry Bradshaw then throws the phone. Hard. So hard that it hit him in the back of the hard after he threw it.
: "What the heck was that?"
: "Someone has been pulling pranks on people, posing as a bank and telling them that their best friend in the world, Terry Bradshaw, has stolen their identity and fraudulently used their debit card at 'Le Mongo', the most overrated and expensive hotel in the city!"
Just then, Copycat's eyes narrowed.
: "...wait a minute, they didn't mention anything about this hotel."
Terry's forehead begins to glisten as he becomes flustered.
: "Hey! How about I get you a drink using our room credit on a card that is most definitely not yours?"
: "Ok!"
: "Someone said something about drinks?"
Fast forward. In a series of montages, all three of them drink. A lot. To the point where even CK Owens is feeling a good buzz. They also appear to be mingling with a lot of ladies. Terry motorboats one gorgeous red head who probably recently celebrated her 18th birthday. By that, I don't mean he put his head between her breasts. (Well, he did that too.) What I mean is they visited the nearby lake and Terry ran her over with a motorboat. Copycat entered a billiards tournament and won. Owens set up a dog fighting ring with Mosh, Hillbilly Jim and Thrasher. He then pocketed the winnings to further his drinking problem. After this crazy montage, they began relaxing in the room.
: "Terry, we both drank a lot tonight. We need to sleep now if we are going to be of any use in the morning."
: "Nonsense! We are doing wonderfully! But if you insist, we shall get plenty of rest. It will put your mind at ease and make B.A.N.G even greater!"
: "One more drink."
: "What?"
: "One more drink."
CK Owens pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. All three of them agree to down this bottle to finish off the drinking they had which likely was in the gallons
: "isn't this my bottle of whiskey?"
: "You let me have it because I did you a favor and escaped jail to disturb my precious sleep."
: "Oh, that's right. It's fine. I have another bottle at home."
Minutes later, all three of them are sufficiently drunk. CK Owens is hungrily sucking the last drops from the bottle like a baby with breast milk. Copycat is seeing stars.
: Something is wrong here. I'm feeling strange.
: It's called alcohol, dumbass. Is this your first drink?
: No. It's not that. I feel... wait, did you... did you drug us?
Just like that, Copycat and CK Owens pass out. Terry looks down. His jaw drops.
: "Wait. So if this drink is drugged then that means... uh oh."
The scene cuts to Terry's apartment, where there is a open bottle of Jack Daniels and an eighteen year old blonde who isn't drugged or unconscious.
: "Ow... my head."
Copycat woke up in a daze. The room was blurry and his head pounded him. He lifted his head and blinked his eyes into clarity. Copycat woke up. He staggered as he struggled to make his way to the bathroom. Half awake, he opens the door and takes a step inside.
: "Holy shit!"
Copycat quickly exits the bathroom and shuts the door. He's wide awake now. Copycat finds CK Owens across the living room on the couch. He rushes over to him and begins tugging on his shoulder.
: "CK! CK! You've got to wake up!"
: "..."
: "No! Seriously! We got a big problem here!"
: "..."
: "Think, Copycat. Think! What would Mr. Bradshaw do?"
Copycat begins pacing around the room, trying to figure out what to do. That's when he remembered something.
: "Hey CK, I have some alcohol for you."
Owens' legs rose to the air in a seamless, fluid motion. He then kips up from the floor. He begins rushing throughout the room. He quickly makes his way through the kitchenette area.
: "CK, I need your help. There's a-"
: "WHERE IS IT?!"
: "Where's what?"
: "YOU SAID YOU HAVE ALCOHOL!"
: "Oh, that? I lied. I just said that to wake you up. There's a-"
Copycat couldn't finish that sentence. CK Owens tackled Copycat onto his back and began repeatedly punching him in the face.
: "Ouch! Ow! CK, stop!"
: "YOU PROMISED ME BOOZE!"
: "Ah! Ow! Hey, I'll get you booze! Help me out and I'll get you all the alcohol you want!"
CK finally relents and gets off Copycat.
: "So what's your fucking problem?"
: "There's a... There's a wild animal in the bathroom!"
CK non chalantly makes his way toward the bathroom and opens the door. It's a cat. With a lime over his head.
: "...you're scared of THIS pussy?"
With a hiss, the cat pounces of CK's face and begins to claw his face out. Copycat watches in horror.
: "Oh, no! What's going on?"
: "CK Owens is getting atta-"
Copycat stops as he double takes on the woman that just spoke to him. The woman is known as one of hollywood's most talented actresses. But more importantly, one of Terry Bradshaw's most fervent enemies, Meryl Streep.
: "Uhmmm... Ms. Streep, what are you doing here?"
: "What? Don't joke with me. You can't say you don't even recognize your own wife."
CK Owens begins bursting out in laughter, albeit a bit muffled with the furry animal blocking his face.
: "Oh, Lordy... what happened last night?"
: "You married your fucking grandma! HAHAHAHAHA!"
Copycat leans forward and grasps his stomach.
: "I think I'm going to be sick. Let's just grab Mr. Bradshaw and go."
Copycat runs over to Terry Bradshaw's room, and of course he took the most extravagant room considering he 'paid for it.' He's not there.
: "He's not there!"
At this point, CK was able to rip the cat off. He throws the cat back into the bathroom.
: "Did you check the closet?"
: "I did! Not only is he not there, but neither is Rosa, the girl he snuck from Mexico!"
: "Fuck! We have less than thirteen hours to find Terry Bradshaw and bring him to the ring for his match tonight!"
: "Our match!"
: "FUCK OFF."
Just then, Copycat charges CK. He grabbed his jaw and forced his mouth open. CK forces him off.
: "What the fuck?"
: "You have a tooth missing! Right in the back of your mouth."
CK Owens walks over to the mirror above Terry's bed and examines his mouth. Sure enough, a tooth is gone.
: "What the fuck..."
: Maybe it was from your fight with that gorilla.
: "You fought a gorilla?"
CK Owens, Copycat and Terri all arrived at the zoo. A security officer meets them at the gate.
Security: "No, no, no. I'm not letting you in!"
: "I'm not going to let some rent-a-cop tell me what to do."
: "Sir, what happened last night?"
Security: "No, no. You two were drunk, sure. But you were definitely aware of your actions. And besides, I shouldn't even be wasting my time talking to you. We don't open for a couple hours, but I know better than to avoid work so I can indulge in your drunken stories!"
: "...please?"
Copycat asks so sweetly and there grew a shimmer in his eyes. Think that cat from Shrek.
Security: "Fine. I saw you go into the whale tank and try to stick your... you know what into the whale's blow hole. It's not funny. It's disgusting."
: "Wait. What about the gorilla?"
Security: "What gorilla?"
: "We heard there was a gorilla here!"
Security: "Fella, the only gorilla here is that thing with the tongue sticking out."
He, of course, was referring to Copycat.
: "Aw, shoot. Alright, let's just get an Uber and try to go where Terry would go."
: "Yeah."
: "Wait. Why can't we just call him?"
: "Rancor doesn't use phones. Whenever he hears his phone ringing, he thinks a bomb is about to go off and jumps out of a window."
Copycat attempts to use Uber but his card is declined several times.
: "How is my card declined? I know I have at least fifteen-hundred bucks in there."
CK Owens knows that Terry was tricking Copycat and that he was using his money. But he doesn't say anything, because he's a dick. He also has enough money from the dog fighting, but doesn't pitch in. Because - Well, again. Dick.
: "Well I guess we are walking."
CK Owens, Copycat and Meryl Streep begin walking. They make it about a mile down the road when a van pulls up. Two Asian men jump out and pull out guns.
Asian: "GET INTO THE VAN. NOW!"
Fearing for their lives, the three enter the van. Their hands become tied and they find the mastermind behind their kidnapping - Leslie Chow. (Yeah. This is a hangover parody. You knew this was happening. You knew ever since they got drugged.)
: "Where's my money?!"
: "Oh come on... the third one was so terrible. Please don't tell me this is a fourth."
: "What you talking about?"
"My $10,000. You took from me!"
: "Yeah, you got the wrong guys."
"You watch your mouth! I know what you want. Terry, right?"
: "YES! GIVE US TERRY!"
"I will do that... IF you give me my money. If not, I will come. And I will give you Terry. Dead. Then I will kill you two. Bye Bye!"
The van door opens and both Copycat and Owens are kicked into the open road.
Copycat and CK Owens are sitting outside of the restaurant. CK is pouring his face into his hands and Copycat is licking from an ice cream cone.
: "This is terrible. When will it all end?"
: "Come on, now. We will find Terry soon."
: "It's not that. I haven't had any booze in like nine hours. I think I'm beginning to be sober."
: "And where are we going to get five thousand dollars?"
: "Why don't you ask your 'wife' for money."
: "Well I don't even remember marrying her. I don't want to start off a marriage with financial problems. It was nice enough of her to buy me this ice cream."
Meryl pinches on Copycat's cheek.
: "And as long as you can transform into Leonardo DiCaprio, I'll buy you as much ice cream as you want."
: "Thank you, ma'am. Can you do me a favor and not tell Terry that we are married. I'm worried that it will ruffle his feathers, as he describes it."
: "You got it."
Just then, a bus drives by. On the side of it is an advertisement for the upcoming TV show, "Ow, my balls." Copycat snaps his fingers.
: "I got it! I know how we can raise the money!"
: "How?"
Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you coming for the Le Mongo Casino Billiards Championship with a grand prize of ten thousand dollars! Let's get this tournament underway and shoot some pool!"
A montage of Copycat plays. In this montage, Copycat competes against several different players. Despite Copycat's general failures in, well... everything he does, he actually does quite well at this sport; Copycat can flawlessly hit jump shots, add back and side spin and angle his shots correctly with little effort. He gets to the final round.
Announcer: "And now, for the final round, Copycat will go up against none other than... Tony Danza!"
The sixty-six year old celebrity, well known for being the arch enemy of Terry Bradshaw steps forward. He greets Copycat with a smile.
: "Let's put on a good show, shall we? May the best man win."
Copycat hesitantly accepts his handshake.
: "Uh, Ok..."
Another short montage plays. It shows all the tricks being used. All the jumps and spins. Copycat is shown swearing and Tony looking nervous and actively trying to make it look like he's not feeling cornered. At the end, it's Copycat's turn and there are only three balls on the table, the black number eight, the orange five solid and the cue ball. Copycat is solids. He strikes the five and it lands in the corner pocket.
Announcer: "Well it looks like Copycat has this won. He has the eight ball and that's the only thing stopping him from winning!"
: "Did somebody say eight ball?"
Copycat crosses his heart and hopes to die. He strikes the ball! IT GOES IN!
...and so does the cue ball. By the rules of billiards, Copycat just lost. The crowd gasps.
Announcer: "Ouch. So sorry, but unfortunately, you just lost. The winner is Mr. Tony Danza!"
Danza smiles and bows to the fans. He walks over to Copycat and shakes his hand once more.
: "Hey. I just wanted to say that this was a great match and I can see that you fought with such determination."
: "Yeah. Well Terr- I mean, a friend of mine was kidnapped. We were trying to pay a ransom and get him back."
Tony's mouth drops and it looked like his heart just broke.
: "that sounds absolutely terrible. I was actually going to donate my winnings to charity, but this seems like a charity that needs help right now! Look, you can have the money. Just tell your friend that I care and he can always come to me for friendship."
Copycat smiles, but thinks he shouldn't tell Terry about that
"Give me the money!"
Copycat stays adamant.
:: "First, you give me Terry!"
Leslie Chow looks to an associate to him and nods at him. Immediately, the person pulls someone out of the van, with the bag around the person's head. The person is pushed to CK Owens and Copycat gives the briefcase to Chow.
:: "Good. We got Terry. Now let's go!"
: "Wait a minute..."
Owens pulls the bag off the person. It's not Terry!
: "This isn't Terry!"
: "Of course it's Terri! And if you fuck me over, I will take more than your wife, Harold. I'll take your LIFE!"
: "What...?"
: "He thinks I'm Harold. Wait. Hardcore Harry from the XHF?"
For those that dont know, Terri Campbell is the disgusting and diseased ex wife of Hardcore Harry. Copycat walks up to Leslie.
: "This isn't my ex-wife. I don't know her! Give me my money back!"
Leslie's bodyguards push Copycat onto his ass. They all enter his minivan and leave. On the way out, the back window opens.
: "So long, gay boys!"
: "Hah. I didn't know he knew you were gay."
: "I'm not!"
: "You were in a gay porno, though. So yeah. You're gay."
Owens, Copycat, Terri and Meryl were alone and stranded. Without any money, except it was only Copycat without money and the rest didn't want to help. This was the time in which wrestlers were finishing getting ready to head to the arena. This was the time in which they showered, shaved, got dressed and were driving their rentral car. Instead, Copycat was dirty, unkempt and without a way to even make it to the stadium. And Terry? As far as the world is considered, Terry Bradshaw is dead. (Again)
: "You know, we should..."
: "We aren't going to him."
: "There is no other way."
: "We are NOT going to him."
: "Terry is going to miss his match."
: "I'm going to miss my match?"
: "That's his problem."
: "Terry is going to lose his championship."
: "I'm a champion?"
: "That's his problem."
: "I'm a her."
CK Owens to Terri Campbell
: "Shut up. You're not involved in this."
: "I don't know. I feel pretty involved."
: "You know, I could go for a nice cup of prune juice right now. What do you think, puddin' pop?"
Copycat doesn't know what prune juice is.
: "...maybe?"
: "The fact is if you're going to him, you can forget me coming with. "
: "Fine, but then you'll have to explain to Mr. Bradshaw why you wouldn't be there for him and you'll be out of BANG. Then you'll be the way I found you - unemployed in Greenland!"
CK Owens glares at CK Owens for mere seconds Although it felt more like minutes.
: "Fine."
center]House of Mongo The Destroyer
4:52 - 3 Hours, 8 Minutes until Show Start.
The only real way to describe Mongo's house would be... regal. It looked like a mansion. It was white and pristine. It seemed that even without the XHF, Mongo was able to maintain a luxurious lifestyle. Mongo invites the four into his house and stares at one with contempt.
Mongo: "You have a lot of gall to show your face around here."
: "Does this feeling of anger have anything to do with CK Owens?"
Mongo: "What?"
: "Well you two appear to have some sort of unresolved issues for no apparent reason."
Mongo: "Actually, I have no issue with CK Owens."
Owens spits on the floor.
: "Speak for yourself."
Mongo: "I... I just did, and don't spit on my floor. I'll be happy to talk to you but that... thing won't be allowed in my house. It'll have to be wait outside."
: "What did I do?"
Mongo: "No. Not you."
Mongo points in Terri's direction.
Mongo: "You."
: "You're such a disgusting man, Mongo!
Mongo: "I told you more than once, I don't want you anywhere near anything that can make me money or anything that costs me money!"
Copycat puts his hand on Mongo's shoulder. (He can do that since DiBiase is nowhere near as tall as Big Show)
: "I can take care of her."
Copycat turns to Terri. He puffs out his chest.
: "GO ON. GET! YOU'RE NOT WANTED. SHOO. GO NOW! ATTABOY!"
: "I thought you were such a sweet man, Copycat. How could you?!"
: "Alright. I need to go to Plan B."
Copycat used his transformation ability. In a blink of an eye, Copycat appeared to be made of straw. A dark straw. He had an OBEY hat and wore a lot of jewelry. He had a shirt three sizes too large for him poorly tucked into a pair of pants that badly needed a belt because it slouched and revealed both his underwear and a Glock.
: "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Terri Campbell screamed and booked it.
: "What the hell was that?"
Copycat transformed back to his true self - with a smirk, I might add.
: "That, my friends, is what's called a Scare Hoe. Now Mongo, as you were saying?"
Mongo's face was blank, although it wasn't clear if it's because he was amazed by Copycat, finding it difficult to understand his stupidity or a mixture of the two
Mongo: "Anyway. It was actually this transformative ability that got you in trouble today. You see... actually, fuck it. I'll just show you."
Mongo quickly double claps his hands and a projector lights up on a white wall. It shows CK Owens, Terry Bradshaw and Copycat inside of Mongo's house.
: "We were here last night?"
Mongo: "Yes. But breaking and entering is hardly the only crime you find yourself guilty of. You also stole MY CAT."
: "Whitey?"
Mongo: "No. Whitey is dead, much like you if I don't get him back. This is Tequila Kitty and this is how you stole him."
Mongo claps his hands again and the footage plays. Bradshaw whispered something into the ears of Copycat. He transformed into a mouse and ran away toward the hotel. As a cat, he couldn't help but follow.
: "The cat is in our place. You can have him. Now I know you have a hotel in town. We're staying in town. Can you check the cameras to see where Terry Bradshaw went?"
Mongo: "I don't need to. I know exactly where he is. Let's go."
The entire gang, except Terri Campbell because no one likes her, got out of the car.
: "You all go on inside. I need a moment with Meryl."
Copycat grabs Meryl Streep by the hands and brings her close to him.
: "Ms. Streep, I can't lie. The past couple of hours I remember with you have been magical. But I think our story is going to have to end here. This is as difficult for me to say as it is for you to say. Maybe we could be married... in secret?"
: "You're a sweet young man. I just think we ought to end things. But one last hug. One final embrace."
Copycat and Meryl hug. Wiping away tears from his eyes, Copycat runs off. Meryl stares longingly.
: "I'm sorry, Copycat. I didn't want to bug you, but it's the only way I know to get keep Terry Bradshaw away from me. Forever..."
CK Owens is seen trying to pry open a door.
: "I don't remember why this door was locked, bu-"
The door finally snapped open. Tequila Cat stormed out. CK Owens and Copycat look back inside the bathroom. Lo and behold, Terry Bradshaw is on toilet, taking a shit.
: "Privacy, please."
: "Rancor, we've been looking all over for you. Where have you been?"
: "Why, I was right here."
Mongo: "Yeah. I chased you all down here and when I found Terry was stuck in a bathroom and I started hearing the farting, I figured he deserved every scratch he got "
Mongo's words were substantiated. Terry was covered head to toe in scratches.
: "I don't even remember seeing you in here! I cant believe you would honestly take a fifteen hour shit!"
: "Woah, I have a medical condition, and you're BODY SHAMING ME? And you wonder why you're only my fifth best friend!"
: "Mr. Bradshaw, you know that's not it. It's just th- can you please stop wiping?!"
: "Actually, I think I'm done."
Terry flushes. He then gets up from the toilet and pulls up his pants.
: "So everything is all figured out. Except... why did my tooth fall out?"
Mongo is in the threshold of the apartment as the door is open. He turns to CK Owens.
Mongo: "How is that the mystery? You drink alcohol daily, which has tons of carbonation. You don't take care of your body and you are physically reckless. The real mystery is how most of them are still there. Anyways, I'm heading to the event. You idiots are making me late."
Mongo leaves. Copycat runs to Bradshaw.
: "Mr. Bradshaw, it's 6:45. We have fifteen minutes to get to the arena or else we will miss our match and you will lose the championship! We will never make it there in time!"
Terry Bradshaw is unaware of how tall Copycat is because he kneels down on one knee and ruffles his hair.
: "Copycat, my boy! Never say never!"
Pokemon background music plays and Terry Bradshaw moves the bill of his Pokemon colored hat to the side.
: "Hillbilly Jim, I choose you!"
Terry Bradshaw throws a red and white painted trash bag. As the trash bag hits the ground, the bag rips open and out comes Thrasher. He finds Copycat near him and immediately starts attacking him.
: "Ahhh! It's always me! This just isn't fair!"
: "I agree! Or in other words... DITTO. Hah! Anyways..."
Terry pulls out another red and white painted trash bag.
: "Hillbilly Jim! I choose you!"
He throws the trash bag and out comes the real Hillbilly Jim. Terry then pulls out a bunch of CDs from his pocket.
: "Where is it? Where is it?"
: "What are you looking for?"
: "Ah, there it is! HM02. Fly!"
Terry Bradshaw proceeds to place the CD the only place he knows where. This part isn't exactly family friendly.
: "I don't think that fly would work on a-"
: "wolf."
CK Owens looks around and finds it hard to believe he really is there
: "Huh..."
Terry turns to Copycat.
: "You know, I can't explain why but for some reason, I feel like I just want to put a gun in your mouth and squeeze the trigger. Not quite sure why. I just feel it in my bones."
Fade out.
: "Boy, Mr. Bradshaw. It was awfully kind of you to pay for a room for all of us to party tonight.": "But of course! And i got the multi-room suite too! Nothing is too good for BANG. We have two champions between the three of us so we ought to party like champions! Which reminds me. CK, when are you going to get off your keister and start contributing to the team?CK Owens reacts with nothing but a loud belch. Terry grabs his chin and nods.
: "That's a good point. I haven't thought about it like that."Just then, some stupid Nickelback song plays. Copycat reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. He answers it.
: "Hello. This is Copycat."Pause.
: "Bank of America?"Pause.
: "Fraudulent activity?"Just then, Terry jumps into action. He grabs the phone out of Copycat's hands.
: "NOW LISTEN TO ME, YOU RUFFIAN. IF YOU EVER - AND I MEAN EVER - CALL MY FRIEND AGAIN, I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH AND PUT YOUR HEAD ON A PIKE!"Terry Bradshaw then throws the phone. Hard. So hard that it hit him in the back of the hard after he threw it.
: "What the heck was that?": "Someone has been pulling pranks on people, posing as a bank and telling them that their best friend in the world, Terry Bradshaw, has stolen their identity and fraudulently used their debit card at 'Le Mongo', the most overrated and expensive hotel in the city!"Just then, Copycat's eyes narrowed.
: "...wait a minute, they didn't mention anything about this hotel."Terry's forehead begins to glisten as he becomes flustered.
: "Hey! How about I get you a drink using our room credit on a card that is most definitely not yours?": "Ok!": "Someone said something about drinks?"Fast forward. In a series of montages, all three of them drink. A lot. To the point where even CK Owens is feeling a good buzz. They also appear to be mingling with a lot of ladies. Terry motorboats one gorgeous red head who probably recently celebrated her 18th birthday. By that, I don't mean he put his head between her breasts. (Well, he did that too.) What I mean is they visited the nearby lake and Terry ran her over with a motorboat. Copycat entered a billiards tournament and won. Owens set up a dog fighting ring with Mosh, Hillbilly Jim and Thrasher. He then pocketed the winnings to further his drinking problem. After this crazy montage, they began relaxing in the room.
: "Terry, we both drank a lot tonight. We need to sleep now if we are going to be of any use in the morning.": "Nonsense! We are doing wonderfully! But if you insist, we shall get plenty of rest. It will put your mind at ease and make B.A.N.G even greater!": "One more drink.": "What?": "One more drink."CK Owens pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. All three of them agree to down this bottle to finish off the drinking they had which likely was in the gallons
: "isn't this my bottle of whiskey?": "You let me have it because I did you a favor and escaped jail to disturb my precious sleep.": "Oh, that's right. It's fine. I have another bottle at home."Minutes later, all three of them are sufficiently drunk. CK Owens is hungrily sucking the last drops from the bottle like a baby with breast milk. Copycat is seeing stars.
: Something is wrong here. I'm feeling strange.: It's called alcohol, dumbass. Is this your first drink?: No. It's not that. I feel... wait, did you... did you drug us?Just like that, Copycat and CK Owens pass out. Terry looks down. His jaw drops.
: "Wait. So if this drink is drugged then that means... uh oh."The scene cuts to Terry's apartment, where there is a open bottle of Jack Daniels and an eighteen year old blonde who isn't drugged or unconscious.
Sunday - 6/11/17 - Day of the XHF'S Second Showcase
7:18 AM - 12 Hours, 42 Minutes Until The Show
7:18 AM - 12 Hours, 42 Minutes Until The Show
: "Ow... my head."Copycat woke up in a daze. The room was blurry and his head pounded him. He lifted his head and blinked his eyes into clarity. Copycat woke up. He staggered as he struggled to make his way to the bathroom. Half awake, he opens the door and takes a step inside.
: "Holy shit!"Copycat quickly exits the bathroom and shuts the door. He's wide awake now. Copycat finds CK Owens across the living room on the couch. He rushes over to him and begins tugging on his shoulder.
: "CK! CK! You've got to wake up!": "...": "No! Seriously! We got a big problem here!": "...": "Think, Copycat. Think! What would Mr. Bradshaw do?"Copycat begins pacing around the room, trying to figure out what to do. That's when he remembered something.
: "Hey CK, I have some alcohol for you."Owens' legs rose to the air in a seamless, fluid motion. He then kips up from the floor. He begins rushing throughout the room. He quickly makes his way through the kitchenette area.
: "CK, I need your help. There's a-": "WHERE IS IT?!": "Where's what?": "YOU SAID YOU HAVE ALCOHOL!": "Oh, that? I lied. I just said that to wake you up. There's a-"Copycat couldn't finish that sentence. CK Owens tackled Copycat onto his back and began repeatedly punching him in the face.
: "Ouch! Ow! CK, stop!": "YOU PROMISED ME BOOZE!": "Ah! Ow! Hey, I'll get you booze! Help me out and I'll get you all the alcohol you want!"CK finally relents and gets off Copycat.
: "So what's your fucking problem?": "There's a... There's a wild animal in the bathroom!"CK non chalantly makes his way toward the bathroom and opens the door. It's a cat. With a lime over his head.
: "...you're scared of THIS pussy?"With a hiss, the cat pounces of CK's face and begins to claw his face out. Copycat watches in horror.
: "Oh, no! What's going on?": "CK Owens is getting atta-"Copycat stops as he double takes on the woman that just spoke to him. The woman is known as one of hollywood's most talented actresses. But more importantly, one of Terry Bradshaw's most fervent enemies, Meryl Streep.
: "Uhmmm... Ms. Streep, what are you doing here?": "What? Don't joke with me. You can't say you don't even recognize your own wife."CK Owens begins bursting out in laughter, albeit a bit muffled with the furry animal blocking his face.
: "Oh, Lordy... what happened last night?": "You married your fucking grandma! HAHAHAHAHA!"Copycat leans forward and grasps his stomach.
: "I think I'm going to be sick. Let's just grab Mr. Bradshaw and go."Copycat runs over to Terry Bradshaw's room, and of course he took the most extravagant room considering he 'paid for it.' He's not there.
: "He's not there!"At this point, CK was able to rip the cat off. He throws the cat back into the bathroom.
: "Did you check the closet?": "I did! Not only is he not there, but neither is Rosa, the girl he snuck from Mexico!": "Fuck! We have less than thirteen hours to find Terry Bradshaw and bring him to the ring for his match tonight!": "Our match!": "FUCK OFF."Just then, Copycat charges CK. He grabbed his jaw and forced his mouth open. CK forces him off.
: "What the fuck?": "You have a tooth missing! Right in the back of your mouth."CK Owens walks over to the mirror above Terry's bed and examines his mouth. Sure enough, a tooth is gone.
: "What the fuck...": Maybe it was from your fight with that gorilla. : "You fought a gorilla?"Los Angeles Zoo
Los Angeles, CA
8:36 AM - 11 Hours, 24 Minutes Until Show Start
Los Angeles, CA
8:36 AM - 11 Hours, 24 Minutes Until Show Start
CK Owens, Copycat and Terri all arrived at the zoo. A security officer meets them at the gate.
Security: "No, no, no. I'm not letting you in!"
: "I'm not going to let some rent-a-cop tell me what to do.": "Sir, what happened last night?"Security: "No, no. You two were drunk, sure. But you were definitely aware of your actions. And besides, I shouldn't even be wasting my time talking to you. We don't open for a couple hours, but I know better than to avoid work so I can indulge in your drunken stories!"
: "...please?"Copycat asks so sweetly and there grew a shimmer in his eyes. Think that cat from Shrek.
Security: "Fine. I saw you go into the whale tank and try to stick your... you know what into the whale's blow hole. It's not funny. It's disgusting."
: "Wait. What about the gorilla?"Security: "What gorilla?"
: "We heard there was a gorilla here!"Security: "Fella, the only gorilla here is that thing with the tongue sticking out."
He, of course, was referring to Copycat.
: "Aw, shoot. Alright, let's just get an Uber and try to go where Terry would go.": "Yeah.": "Wait. Why can't we just call him?": "Rancor doesn't use phones. Whenever he hears his phone ringing, he thinks a bomb is about to go off and jumps out of a window."Copycat attempts to use Uber but his card is declined several times.
: "How is my card declined? I know I have at least fifteen-hundred bucks in there."CK Owens knows that Terry was tricking Copycat and that he was using his money. But he doesn't say anything, because he's a dick. He also has enough money from the dog fighting, but doesn't pitch in. Because - Well, again. Dick.
: "Well I guess we are walking."CK Owens, Copycat and Meryl Streep begin walking. They make it about a mile down the road when a van pulls up. Two Asian men jump out and pull out guns.
Asian: "GET INTO THE VAN. NOW!"
Fearing for their lives, the three enter the van. Their hands become tied and they find the mastermind behind their kidnapping - Leslie Chow. (Yeah. This is a hangover parody. You knew this was happening. You knew ever since they got drugged.)
: "Where's my money?!": "Oh come on... the third one was so terrible. Please don't tell me this is a fourth.": "What you talking about?" "My $10,000. You took from me!": "Yeah, you got the wrong guys." "You watch your mouth! I know what you want. Terry, right?": "YES! GIVE US TERRY!" "I will do that... IF you give me my money. If not, I will come. And I will give you Terry. Dead. Then I will kill you two. Bye Bye!"The van door opens and both Copycat and Owens are kicked into the open road.
Friendly's
10:11 AM - 9 Hours, 49 Minutes Until The Show
10:11 AM - 9 Hours, 49 Minutes Until The Show
Copycat and CK Owens are sitting outside of the restaurant. CK is pouring his face into his hands and Copycat is licking from an ice cream cone.
: "This is terrible. When will it all end?": "Come on, now. We will find Terry soon.": "It's not that. I haven't had any booze in like nine hours. I think I'm beginning to be sober.": "And where are we going to get five thousand dollars?": "Why don't you ask your 'wife' for money.": "Well I don't even remember marrying her. I don't want to start off a marriage with financial problems. It was nice enough of her to buy me this ice cream."Meryl pinches on Copycat's cheek.
: "And as long as you can transform into Leonardo DiCaprio, I'll buy you as much ice cream as you want.": "Thank you, ma'am. Can you do me a favor and not tell Terry that we are married. I'm worried that it will ruffle his feathers, as he describes it.": "You got it."Just then, a bus drives by. On the side of it is an advertisement for the upcoming TV show, "Ow, my balls." Copycat snaps his fingers.
: "I got it! I know how we can raise the money!": "How?"Le Mongo Casino
Las Angeles, CA
12:00 PM - 8 Hours Until The Show Begins
Las Angeles, CA
12:00 PM - 8 Hours Until The Show Begins
Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you coming for the Le Mongo Casino Billiards Championship with a grand prize of ten thousand dollars! Let's get this tournament underway and shoot some pool!"
A montage of Copycat plays. In this montage, Copycat competes against several different players. Despite Copycat's general failures in, well... everything he does, he actually does quite well at this sport; Copycat can flawlessly hit jump shots, add back and side spin and angle his shots correctly with little effort. He gets to the final round.
Announcer: "And now, for the final round, Copycat will go up against none other than... Tony Danza!"
The sixty-six year old celebrity, well known for being the arch enemy of Terry Bradshaw steps forward. He greets Copycat with a smile.
: "Let's put on a good show, shall we? May the best man win."Copycat hesitantly accepts his handshake.
: "Uh, Ok..."Another short montage plays. It shows all the tricks being used. All the jumps and spins. Copycat is shown swearing and Tony looking nervous and actively trying to make it look like he's not feeling cornered. At the end, it's Copycat's turn and there are only three balls on the table, the black number eight, the orange five solid and the cue ball. Copycat is solids. He strikes the five and it lands in the corner pocket.
Announcer: "Well it looks like Copycat has this won. He has the eight ball and that's the only thing stopping him from winning!"
: "Did somebody say eight ball?"Copycat crosses his heart and hopes to die. He strikes the ball! IT GOES IN!
...and so does the cue ball. By the rules of billiards, Copycat just lost. The crowd gasps.
Announcer: "Ouch. So sorry, but unfortunately, you just lost. The winner is Mr. Tony Danza!"
Danza smiles and bows to the fans. He walks over to Copycat and shakes his hand once more.
: "Hey. I just wanted to say that this was a great match and I can see that you fought with such determination.": "Yeah. Well Terr- I mean, a friend of mine was kidnapped. We were trying to pay a ransom and get him back."Tony's mouth drops and it looked like his heart just broke.
: "that sounds absolutely terrible. I was actually going to donate my winnings to charity, but this seems like a charity that needs help right now! Look, you can have the money. Just tell your friend that I care and he can always come to me for friendship."Copycat smiles, but thinks he shouldn't tell Terry about that
Side of the Road
Las Angeles, CA
3:07 PM - 4 Hours and 57 Minutes Until Show Start
Las Angeles, CA
3:07 PM - 4 Hours and 57 Minutes Until Show Start
"Give me the money!"Copycat stays adamant.
:: "First, you give me Terry!"Leslie Chow looks to an associate to him and nods at him. Immediately, the person pulls someone out of the van, with the bag around the person's head. The person is pushed to CK Owens and Copycat gives the briefcase to Chow.
:: "Good. We got Terry. Now let's go!": "Wait a minute..."Owens pulls the bag off the person. It's not Terry!
: "This isn't Terry!": "Of course it's Terri! And if you fuck me over, I will take more than your wife, Harold. I'll take your LIFE!": "What...?": "He thinks I'm Harold. Wait. Hardcore Harry from the XHF?"For those that dont know, Terri Campbell is the disgusting and diseased ex wife of Hardcore Harry. Copycat walks up to Leslie.
: "This isn't my ex-wife. I don't know her! Give me my money back!"Leslie's bodyguards push Copycat onto his ass. They all enter his minivan and leave. On the way out, the back window opens.
: "So long, gay boys!": "Hah. I didn't know he knew you were gay.": "I'm not!": "You were in a gay porno, though. So yeah. You're gay."Residential Neighborhoods of Las Angeles
Las Angeles, CA
4:15 PM - 3 Hours, 45 Minutes Until The Show Start
Las Angeles, CA
4:15 PM - 3 Hours, 45 Minutes Until The Show Start
Owens, Copycat, Terri and Meryl were alone and stranded. Without any money, except it was only Copycat without money and the rest didn't want to help. This was the time in which wrestlers were finishing getting ready to head to the arena. This was the time in which they showered, shaved, got dressed and were driving their rentral car. Instead, Copycat was dirty, unkempt and without a way to even make it to the stadium. And Terry? As far as the world is considered, Terry Bradshaw is dead. (Again)
: "You know, we should...": "We aren't going to him.": "There is no other way.": "We are NOT going to him.": "Terry is going to miss his match.": "I'm going to miss my match?": "That's his problem.": "Terry is going to lose his championship.": "I'm a champion?": "That's his problem.": "I'm a her."CK Owens to Terri Campbell
: "Shut up. You're not involved in this.": "I don't know. I feel pretty involved.": "You know, I could go for a nice cup of prune juice right now. What do you think, puddin' pop?"Copycat doesn't know what prune juice is.
: "...maybe?": "The fact is if you're going to him, you can forget me coming with. ": "Fine, but then you'll have to explain to Mr. Bradshaw why you wouldn't be there for him and you'll be out of BANG. Then you'll be the way I found you - unemployed in Greenland!"CK Owens glares at CK Owens for mere seconds Although it felt more like minutes.
: "Fine."center]House of Mongo The Destroyer
4:52 - 3 Hours, 8 Minutes until Show Start.
The only real way to describe Mongo's house would be... regal. It looked like a mansion. It was white and pristine. It seemed that even without the XHF, Mongo was able to maintain a luxurious lifestyle. Mongo invites the four into his house and stares at one with contempt.
Mongo: "You have a lot of gall to show your face around here."
: "Does this feeling of anger have anything to do with CK Owens?"Mongo: "What?"
: "Well you two appear to have some sort of unresolved issues for no apparent reason."Mongo: "Actually, I have no issue with CK Owens."
Owens spits on the floor.
: "Speak for yourself."Mongo: "I... I just did, and don't spit on my floor. I'll be happy to talk to you but that... thing won't be allowed in my house. It'll have to be wait outside."
: "What did I do?"Mongo: "No. Not you."
Mongo points in Terri's direction.
Mongo: "You."
: "You're such a disgusting man, Mongo!Mongo: "I told you more than once, I don't want you anywhere near anything that can make me money or anything that costs me money!"
Copycat puts his hand on Mongo's shoulder. (He can do that since DiBiase is nowhere near as tall as Big Show)
: "I can take care of her."Copycat turns to Terri. He puffs out his chest.
: "GO ON. GET! YOU'RE NOT WANTED. SHOO. GO NOW! ATTABOY!": "I thought you were such a sweet man, Copycat. How could you?!": "Alright. I need to go to Plan B."Copycat used his transformation ability. In a blink of an eye, Copycat appeared to be made of straw. A dark straw. He had an OBEY hat and wore a lot of jewelry. He had a shirt three sizes too large for him poorly tucked into a pair of pants that badly needed a belt because it slouched and revealed both his underwear and a Glock.
: "WHAT THE FUCK?!"Terri Campbell screamed and booked it.
: "What the hell was that?"Copycat transformed back to his true self - with a smirk, I might add.
: "That, my friends, is what's called a Scare Hoe. Now Mongo, as you were saying?"Mongo's face was blank, although it wasn't clear if it's because he was amazed by Copycat, finding it difficult to understand his stupidity or a mixture of the two
Mongo: "Anyway. It was actually this transformative ability that got you in trouble today. You see... actually, fuck it. I'll just show you."
Mongo quickly double claps his hands and a projector lights up on a white wall. It shows CK Owens, Terry Bradshaw and Copycat inside of Mongo's house.
: "We were here last night?"Mongo: "Yes. But breaking and entering is hardly the only crime you find yourself guilty of. You also stole MY CAT."
: "Whitey?"Mongo: "No. Whitey is dead, much like you if I don't get him back. This is Tequila Kitty and this is how you stole him."
Mongo claps his hands again and the footage plays. Bradshaw whispered something into the ears of Copycat. He transformed into a mouse and ran away toward the hotel. As a cat, he couldn't help but follow.
: "The cat is in our place. You can have him. Now I know you have a hotel in town. We're staying in town. Can you check the cameras to see where Terry Bradshaw went?"Mongo: "I don't need to. I know exactly where he is. Let's go."
Le Mongo Hotel
7:23 PM - 43 Minutes Until Show Start
7:23 PM - 43 Minutes Until Show Start
The entire gang, except Terri Campbell because no one likes her, got out of the car.
: "You all go on inside. I need a moment with Meryl."Copycat grabs Meryl Streep by the hands and brings her close to him.
: "Ms. Streep, I can't lie. The past couple of hours I remember with you have been magical. But I think our story is going to have to end here. This is as difficult for me to say as it is for you to say. Maybe we could be married... in secret?": "You're a sweet young man. I just think we ought to end things. But one last hug. One final embrace."Copycat and Meryl hug. Wiping away tears from his eyes, Copycat runs off. Meryl stares longingly.
: "I'm sorry, Copycat. I didn't want to bug you, but it's the only way I know to get keep Terry Bradshaw away from me. Forever..."Inside of Copycat's Hotel Room
7:31 PM - 29 Minutes Until Show Start
7:31 PM - 29 Minutes Until Show Start
CK Owens is seen trying to pry open a door.
: "I don't remember why this door was locked, bu-"The door finally snapped open. Tequila Cat stormed out. CK Owens and Copycat look back inside the bathroom. Lo and behold, Terry Bradshaw is on toilet, taking a shit.
: "Privacy, please.": "Rancor, we've been looking all over for you. Where have you been?": "Why, I was right here."Mongo: "Yeah. I chased you all down here and when I found Terry was stuck in a bathroom and I started hearing the farting, I figured he deserved every scratch he got "
Mongo's words were substantiated. Terry was covered head to toe in scratches.
: "I don't even remember seeing you in here! I cant believe you would honestly take a fifteen hour shit!": "Woah, I have a medical condition, and you're BODY SHAMING ME? And you wonder why you're only my fifth best friend!": "Mr. Bradshaw, you know that's not it. It's just th- can you please stop wiping?!": "Actually, I think I'm done."Terry flushes. He then gets up from the toilet and pulls up his pants.
: "So everything is all figured out. Except... why did my tooth fall out?"Mongo is in the threshold of the apartment as the door is open. He turns to CK Owens.
Mongo: "How is that the mystery? You drink alcohol daily, which has tons of carbonation. You don't take care of your body and you are physically reckless. The real mystery is how most of them are still there. Anyways, I'm heading to the event. You idiots are making me late."
Mongo leaves. Copycat runs to Bradshaw.
: "Mr. Bradshaw, it's 6:45. We have fifteen minutes to get to the arena or else we will miss our match and you will lose the championship! We will never make it there in time!"Terry Bradshaw is unaware of how tall Copycat is because he kneels down on one knee and ruffles his hair.
: "Copycat, my boy! Never say never!"Pokemon background music plays and Terry Bradshaw moves the bill of his Pokemon colored hat to the side.
: "Hillbilly Jim, I choose you!"Terry Bradshaw throws a red and white painted trash bag. As the trash bag hits the ground, the bag rips open and out comes Thrasher. He finds Copycat near him and immediately starts attacking him.
: "Ahhh! It's always me! This just isn't fair!": "I agree! Or in other words... DITTO. Hah! Anyways..."Terry pulls out another red and white painted trash bag.
: "Hillbilly Jim! I choose you!"He throws the trash bag and out comes the real Hillbilly Jim. Terry then pulls out a bunch of CDs from his pocket.
: "Where is it? Where is it?": "What are you looking for?": "Ah, there it is! HM02. Fly!"Terry Bradshaw proceeds to place the CD the only place he knows where. This part isn't exactly family friendly.
: "I don't think that fly would work on a-"Long Beach Convention Center
Las Angeles, CA
6:57 PM - 3 Minutes Until Show Start
Las Angeles, CA
6:57 PM - 3 Minutes Until Show Start
: "wolf."CK Owens looks around and finds it hard to believe he really is there
: "Huh..."Terry turns to Copycat.
: "You know, I can't explain why but for some reason, I feel like I just want to put a gun in your mouth and squeeze the trigger. Not quite sure why. I just feel it in my bones."Fade out.
