Parsons’ Penetration Episode One: dis mafaka’s a fake
Aug 22, 2021 20:01:52 GMT -5
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vastrix, Roy "The Sorrow" Harlowe (NJC), and 3 more like this
Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2021 20:01:52 GMT -5
Thick black light blocking curtains make up much of the backdrop as we join a smiling Chris Parsons.
Well worn and faded blue jeans and the number one selling Galactic Sex Pirates signature black t-shirt are the order of the day, even his posture is casual as he sits back in a large overstuffed leather chair.
“Hey folks, Parsons of the Galactic Sex Pirates here and I’d like to welcome you to an exclusive online segment I dare say is going to become a staple here in NPW. Welcome to Parsons’ Penetration!”
Smiling, alliteration was the first step to a successful web segment.
“Now I’m just gonna bring up the ol’ screen here aboard the intergalactic shaggin’ wagon known as the GSP tour bus and get right to business…”
Aiming a remote control at a large 4K display, Parsons brings a familiar scene into focus. Glass counters full with all sorts of fine jewelry line the upscale shop, the very same shop Xialong had visited.
“Now for those of us paying attention to Meow Mix’s semi coherent babbling, that wasted jerk has now twice basically said I was better in AWF. Just for the record and because I smoke a lot of pot, I checked AWF’s archives and I don’t appear anywhere in their history. And that got me thinking.”
Referring to his opponent as Meow Mix because he’s common, and cheap. A thoughtful Parsons was far more dangerous than Xialong could ever realize. “It got me thinking about what other bullshit this royal wank ninja was trying to pull and the answer is right before our eyes.”
Pressing play, the shop keep busies himself before a customer enters and begins browsing. Xialong.
“Now I’m not going to lie folks, the first what the fuck fact here, is that this dipshidiot is married. I find it hard to believe that someone took a look at this sad sack excuse for a man and went “let me chain myself to this shipwreck” but such is fucking life I guess…” Trailing off Parsons was just getting started, following the scene, Xialong has selected his piece and is talking about having it altered and Parsons pauses things.
“And here’s the second what the fuck fact, there’s literally no way this braying ass clown is walking around with fifty large in his back pocket. Even if he had fifty G notes, that would still be an awkward stack to have in your wallet, and besides don’t you think the shop keeper would be suspicious as fuck at some jackass off the street walking in, picking an expensive ass piece of jewelry and then paying for it in thousand dollar bills? Get real! This is when I realized it. This motherfucker’s a phoney!” Parsons exclaims as though it’s certainty, but he presses play again.
There’s some counting and nodding as they muttle through their pretend transaction and another figure enters the scene. “Now here’s where shit really went sideways for me, the first words this ‘thug’ utters are “put your hands up and give us everything”. “Give us everything” clear signs of a cheap actor, he fucked up his line!”
Pressing play again, Parsons gets to the part where the thug has his gun practically pressed into Xialong’s face, he pushes it again. “This is some bad B Kung fu movie shit if I ever saw it, look at Meow Mix’s face! Probably thinks he looks all dark and ominous when he really looks like he’s constipated, taken a laxative and is in desperate need of a shitter! Heads up fans, that’s exactly the same face he’s going to make when I go out there in Hali and kick the shit out of him!” Pressing play again Parsons sits back once more.
The thug is robbing Xialong and smashing display cases when suddenly Parsons pauses it again. “There! See? The poor ‘thug’ nudges Meow Mix’s Tender Vittles and…” Pressing play, Xialong says his lines with the gusto of a fat Samoan in a thong who ‘did it for the Rock’ and destroys the ‘thug’ in a fit of violence only for Parsons to pause it as the supposed ‘hero’ turns back to the shopkeeper.
“…it turns him on so much he can’t control himself and smashes his would be suitor into oblivion. Now, am I the only one here who noticed this guy offered zero resistance? And I mean zero. It’s almost as though they choreographed the whole thing…” Parsons waits a moment for the audience to catch what he’s saying. “…because they did! This guy claims to know who I am and thinks this is the way to fucking scare me? Me?”
“Son, I’m Chris Fucking Parsons…I’m Wrestling’s Viagra(Patent Pending) because I’m making this business hard again…you wanna scare me? Get your wife to file a paternity suit! You’re smaller, you have less experience and you dress like a cobra! That’s literally a formula for me to make you my bitch!” Parsons is laughing now.
“When you finally got around to addressing me, you actually said that my gameshow appearance was ‘pornographic’. Sorry Meow Mix but are you telling me that in addition to being a shitty actor, you don’t know what porn is? You poor bastard, you’re not married, you’re cuckolded you simple fuck!” Shuddering at the thought of a life without porn, Parsons realizes it’s just about time to wrap this up.
“The next time my name is in your mouth it better be as part of an apology. ‘Mr. Parsons, I’m sorry sir. I should have never tried to talk shit.’ I’m going to beat you Meow Mix, I’m going to humble you Captain Cuckold…but most important of all…I’m going to enjoy myself because you talk about which version of your sorry ass shows up. Hero or Villain? One final what the fuck fact…it doesn’t matter which version shows up, I’m kicking its ass!”
Parsons is all smiles as he offers a goodbye wave. “Until next time, chow mein shit stain!”
Well worn and faded blue jeans and the number one selling Galactic Sex Pirates signature black t-shirt are the order of the day, even his posture is casual as he sits back in a large overstuffed leather chair.
“Hey folks, Parsons of the Galactic Sex Pirates here and I’d like to welcome you to an exclusive online segment I dare say is going to become a staple here in NPW. Welcome to Parsons’ Penetration!”
Smiling, alliteration was the first step to a successful web segment.
“Now I’m just gonna bring up the ol’ screen here aboard the intergalactic shaggin’ wagon known as the GSP tour bus and get right to business…”
Aiming a remote control at a large 4K display, Parsons brings a familiar scene into focus. Glass counters full with all sorts of fine jewelry line the upscale shop, the very same shop Xialong had visited.
“Now for those of us paying attention to Meow Mix’s semi coherent babbling, that wasted jerk has now twice basically said I was better in AWF. Just for the record and because I smoke a lot of pot, I checked AWF’s archives and I don’t appear anywhere in their history. And that got me thinking.”
Referring to his opponent as Meow Mix because he’s common, and cheap. A thoughtful Parsons was far more dangerous than Xialong could ever realize. “It got me thinking about what other bullshit this royal wank ninja was trying to pull and the answer is right before our eyes.”
Pressing play, the shop keep busies himself before a customer enters and begins browsing. Xialong.
“Now I’m not going to lie folks, the first what the fuck fact here, is that this dipshidiot is married. I find it hard to believe that someone took a look at this sad sack excuse for a man and went “let me chain myself to this shipwreck” but such is fucking life I guess…” Trailing off Parsons was just getting started, following the scene, Xialong has selected his piece and is talking about having it altered and Parsons pauses things.
“And here’s the second what the fuck fact, there’s literally no way this braying ass clown is walking around with fifty large in his back pocket. Even if he had fifty G notes, that would still be an awkward stack to have in your wallet, and besides don’t you think the shop keeper would be suspicious as fuck at some jackass off the street walking in, picking an expensive ass piece of jewelry and then paying for it in thousand dollar bills? Get real! This is when I realized it. This motherfucker’s a phoney!” Parsons exclaims as though it’s certainty, but he presses play again.
There’s some counting and nodding as they muttle through their pretend transaction and another figure enters the scene. “Now here’s where shit really went sideways for me, the first words this ‘thug’ utters are “put your hands up and give us everything”. “Give us everything” clear signs of a cheap actor, he fucked up his line!”
Pressing play again, Parsons gets to the part where the thug has his gun practically pressed into Xialong’s face, he pushes it again. “This is some bad B Kung fu movie shit if I ever saw it, look at Meow Mix’s face! Probably thinks he looks all dark and ominous when he really looks like he’s constipated, taken a laxative and is in desperate need of a shitter! Heads up fans, that’s exactly the same face he’s going to make when I go out there in Hali and kick the shit out of him!” Pressing play again Parsons sits back once more.
The thug is robbing Xialong and smashing display cases when suddenly Parsons pauses it again. “There! See? The poor ‘thug’ nudges Meow Mix’s Tender Vittles and…” Pressing play, Xialong says his lines with the gusto of a fat Samoan in a thong who ‘did it for the Rock’ and destroys the ‘thug’ in a fit of violence only for Parsons to pause it as the supposed ‘hero’ turns back to the shopkeeper.
“…it turns him on so much he can’t control himself and smashes his would be suitor into oblivion. Now, am I the only one here who noticed this guy offered zero resistance? And I mean zero. It’s almost as though they choreographed the whole thing…” Parsons waits a moment for the audience to catch what he’s saying. “…because they did! This guy claims to know who I am and thinks this is the way to fucking scare me? Me?”
“Son, I’m Chris Fucking Parsons…I’m Wrestling’s Viagra(Patent Pending) because I’m making this business hard again…you wanna scare me? Get your wife to file a paternity suit! You’re smaller, you have less experience and you dress like a cobra! That’s literally a formula for me to make you my bitch!” Parsons is laughing now.
“When you finally got around to addressing me, you actually said that my gameshow appearance was ‘pornographic’. Sorry Meow Mix but are you telling me that in addition to being a shitty actor, you don’t know what porn is? You poor bastard, you’re not married, you’re cuckolded you simple fuck!” Shuddering at the thought of a life without porn, Parsons realizes it’s just about time to wrap this up.
“The next time my name is in your mouth it better be as part of an apology. ‘Mr. Parsons, I’m sorry sir. I should have never tried to talk shit.’ I’m going to beat you Meow Mix, I’m going to humble you Captain Cuckold…but most important of all…I’m going to enjoy myself because you talk about which version of your sorry ass shows up. Hero or Villain? One final what the fuck fact…it doesn’t matter which version shows up, I’m kicking its ass!”
Parsons is all smiles as he offers a goodbye wave. “Until next time, chow mein shit stain!”