Come Dine With ME (part 2)

[Dave D-Flipz]

(This is a joint Prime Time promo by both Primal and Timeless)

English Narrator Voice Over : Welcome back to Couples Come Dine With Me. We have seen in part 1 the other two couples prepare their dinner parties. Now it is time for Prime Time ]

[We open with Prime Time greeting both couples. They make some chit-chat and leave the guests to themselves and head to the kitchen where we find Roxylishus standing there, dressed in a VERY revealing waitress outfit.]

Roxylishus : Now I know this is a couples only show, but I can’t believe it's you two, and not you and I, Timeless. This furball can’t even cook.

[Primal glances over at her and grunts under his breath as he whips on an apron saying “Kiss the cook or else”. He slaves over a large hunk of skirt steak as he whips out some serious knives and begins to portion the steak and then hack through some red and yellow bell peppers, a red onion, some vidalias, and some garlic. On the table we see salt, garlic powder, chili powder, onion powder, ginger powder and instant espresso. He proceeds to pour a boiling solution into a mason jar with the red onion.]

Timeless : Gus signed US up babe. We all know you are the reality star.

Roxylishus : Damn right I am! Hellloooo … Married at First Site? Who is Dancing with the Stars calling every week?

Primal : I’ve turned down that show seven times. I’m not some circus sideshow to be paraded to the masses you know. Now hush up, I’m making my famous Philosopher Fajitas.

[We switch to all 6 seated at the table and Roxylishus brings out the entrees. Alan deliberately tries to look away from her, and not be seen to ogle. He is a smart man and knows not to be seen gawking. The girls? Their jaws almost hit the floor.

Rachel : What's this? You hired some help? It’s meant to be only couples! And look at her, how could you dress her like that and think that is ok?

Roxylishus : (plonking Rachel’s plate down angrily.) They didn't ‘dress me like this”. I dressed me like THIS!

[She does a twirl and even Alan has to have a look.]

Timeless : She dresses how she likes! What sorta feminest are you to think a man could control what a woman wears?

Primal : No that’s fine, stare at the eye candy and ignore the mouth candy. I understand. *he huffs*

Judy : You know what I say. If you got it, flaunt it! And you girl, you ‘got it’. I remember when I had a figure like that.

[Everyone looks at her thinking,”Yeah, right…”]

Primal : My thought provoking meal is being ignored. I feel like those idiots who are supposed to be a challenge to us. Invisible and useless. TASTE MY COFFEE CRUSTED STEAK FAJITAS AND TELL ME THEN WHO CAN’T COOK!

[Sure enough there is some luscious steak crusted with coffee, fajita veg, various toppings, and home pickled onions. Switch to Prime Time in the kitchen preparing the mains. Timeless is mashing some potatoes.]

Timeless : We are gonna mash HNDRXX and J Macs heads like this mash.

[Primal is cutting eggplant and chicken, then crusting them with egg wash and panko. He has some tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, garlic, mozzarella, parmigiano reggiano, and anchovies. Methinks a classic, from scratch, chicken and aubergine parmesan is in the works. ]

Primal : We are carving up the tag ranks in the XHF like this …. Just wait for that annihilator. Everyone there can watch what we do to these scrubs for an example.

[Roxy bringing out the mains. Chicken and Eggplant Parm!]

Alan : Well this is scrumptious! The sauce seems to be made from scratch. Are these San Marzanos?

Timeless : Furball, since when could you cook?

Primal : I worked with that Italian chef for three weeks in the prison, besides, cooking is an ancient caveman art. Nothing civilized about it. It’s a hobby.

Judy : *gagging* Prison you say?

Timeless : Oh it was a work thing, our boss has a bit of a sick sense of humor when it comes to company gatherings.

Rachel : What was the Italian chef doing in prison?

Roxylishus : Sleeping with the fishes!.

[Beat]

Roxylishus : His bed was in the kitchen.

[Sighs and nervous laughter.]

Timeless : Also he was dead.

Primal : Before dessert, I mentioned I would make you all a gift the other night, so ...

[Primal hands the old couple a foot tall sculpture of Death of the Endless from The Sandman. And to the nice lesbians he hands them a very inappropriate idol … it appears to be a fertility goddess … with Roxy’s rack … and when placed on the table a double headed “toy” falls from it. This is all of course made of his hair but they don’t seem to realize.]

Rachel : … Isn’t this a little … forward? On the nose?

Timeless : No sense beating around the bush ladies.

Primal : No, actually, I’m pretty sure the toy is for EXACTLY that ...

Amanda : Well I never! … *under her breath* put it in your purse … *to Primal* Well, let’s have dessert then.

[Switch to Roxy bringing out the desserts. Roxy carries out individual portions of what looks like a pecan or shoofly pie. She places slices of pie in front of all four guests. Timeless looks to ask where his is but she signals at him not to push it.]

Timeless : So why aren’t we eating?

Primal : They mock us, like so many others. Try to ruin our fun like the Revs and HNDRXX. Well I made the pie with the same material as my art.

Roxylishus : I almost feel bad watching them eat hair pie. Not like they aren’t familiar. Except Alan I bet ...

Alan : This pie tastes heavenly but has a weird texture to it. What’s your secret?

Primal : Why I treated my pie like my art. Same stuff in both.

[Switch to all seated in the lounge. Prime Time bring out a silver platter with a scroll. Timeless opens it and begins to read.]

Timeless : Coming in 3rd place, with 22 votes … Rachel and Amanda.

[They look unhappy, maybe a rage quit is coming.]

Timeless : Coming in 2nd, with 27 votes … Judy and Alan.

Roxylishus : (grabbing the scroll) And that means … your winners … with a total score of 28 votes … it was a close one, who sandbagged the vote there … girls? (she gives them the look) PRIME TIME!!!!

[Timeless does the required tossing the money off the platter in the air and the thousand dollars worth of notes drifted around the room and to the floor.]

Primal : I believe the term is … swish swish?

Judy : Well, much as I am shocked, you all earned it. And these sculptures are amazing!

Timeless : And to think, it’s made with the same care and hair that goes into our wrestling.

Amanda : … Did you say hair?

Primal : Why, yes! *he strips his coat off showing his body hair* I was gifted with the hair of the GODS! So I use it.

[His hair pulsates and ripples, and seemingly coats itself with grease and sweat on command. Dry heaves are heard. The hair shifts into letters, “Destroy HNDRXX”. On his back, “Return of the Mack, denied”]

Timeless : It’s both incredible and disturbing...

Rachel : But … wait … the toy … during the taping break, we … OH GOD!

[The girls both reflexively squeeze their legs together and grab at the front of their pants with a look of horror]

Alan : Well hair or not, this art … how do the kids say it … slaps? … *sudden realization* Wait … didn’t you say you used the … same material … in the … uh ...

Primal : Pie. I made you eat my hair pie Alan… don’t worry, your wife ate it too.

*Fade*