Not Old, Just Dumb (FotF 1)
Sept 7, 2021 11:34:25 GMT -5
edwarddubin0604, robriot, and 2 more like this
Post by freakke on Sept 7, 2021 11:34:25 GMT -5
We see Freakke in the gym using a selfie stick and his own personal camera to cut this particular segment.
“Ladies, Gentlemen, beloved Cretins and miscreants. Today I come to you in order to correct a serious matter that I just cannot let stand. It’s been on my mind for a few days now and I have to get this out. I have to set the record straight because this matter should have been solved...years ago at this point.”
He takes in a deep breath and steels himself for the emotional roller coaster ride he’s preparing to go on. The Carnival King exhales and looks back into the camera.
“My name is FREAKKE. No E sound at the end there. No Kay. Freakke. Like the word Freak. You stop at the K. Every event for the twenty long years of my career, the announcers and commentators have managed to say it correctly for all the world to hear, and yet, somehow here I am, having to explain this again. For the billionth time. I cannot…”
He uses his free hand to rub his face in exasperation.
“I just can’t.”
He pulls the camera away from his face to turn it off but it catches a glimpse of him trying not to smile despite how serious he had been just moments before.
---
Freakke is in the driver seat of his van now. The video quality has drastically increased from the previous video. Niel Cicerega’s Mouth Moods album is playing lightly over the radio through his aux. The clown is dancing with his shoulders as he drives through the forested area outside of his hometown.
“Hey there. Your friendly neighborhood Freakke here. Things could be better lately. Not gonna lie, but I’ve got something fun in mind and lets just say, I’m looking for a mark. Someone to really take what I have in mind and help me just toss it up and over all expectations. We’ve got some time between here and there but I need to start working on it now ya know. I think your gonna like it.”
He turns and gives the camera a wink. A quick one. Ya know, cuz he’s driving.
“Up next though, Nova Scotia. Fight for the Fallen. Not a bad sentiment. If that’s really our intention then we need to make this a good one right? We’ve got a Battle Royal, a Debut bout, a Pair of Tag Matches I definitely won’t be missing, one of which is for the Tag Belts so dang fancy right? The Openweight Championship on the Line. Yeah. Gonna be a good night...wait. I’m forgetting something.”
Come on Freakke. Use that brain of yours. There’s something your forgetting.
“SHIT! I HAVE A TRIPLE THREAT I NEED TO GET TO!”
The Carnival King hit the Hand Brake and the Van started to spin in the street. A U-Turn in an ancient AstroVan like a pro. The wheels start squealing
“Siri, Google, whatever fekkin thing is on this stupid phone. Call Mina!”
The phone responded and rang and rang and rang.
“Hey, this is Mina. I’m not here now. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I can.”
Beep.
“MINA! I FORGOT ABOUT THE MEXICAN STANDOFF! I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHATS HIS NUTS OR LOCH NESS SOMETHING OR OTHER! YOU’RE MY MANAGER HELP! Also I used the last of the milk, I’ll be picking up a half gallon on the way home don’t add that to the grocery list. Love you, bye.”
The phone clicked off. The clown smiled fondly. The he remembered his panic and began screaming as the van raced down the back road on towards home.
“How the hell do I forget I’m supposed to be in Halifax in like a week? Why do I do this to me? Epp deer.”
He put on the breaks and the camera panned to see a handful of whitetail crossing the road lazily.
“OK. Stop. Breathe. Freakke breathe buddy. We can do this. Its a Triple Threat match. Rule of 3...no. That’s story telling. Something something Smiledriver? Three Musketeers? No we’re opponents not a team. Uhhh...Good Bad Ugly? No. Overplayed. Epp, deer are done.”
VRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOM.
“Alright. Plan, research, film training montage, promise Alice she can take the car out on Friday if she goes and gets tacos from the taco truck guy, eat tacos, kiss wife, listen to wife complain about breath smelling like al pastor, film new promotional material where I don’t forget that I have a match and know who the hell I’m facing-hey are you getting this down?”
The camera shakes like a head going no.
“Why not? I’m not going to remember all of this. Hell, I’m counting on forgetting I told my niece she could take my car on Friday already...shit.”
He frowns.
“OK...just so long as one of us remembers. Also, if anyone asks, no we don’t know what happened to the last slice of cheesecake. Which is what went with that last bit of milk.”
He’s looking at the camera man now. Deathly serious. The van has stopped and they are in the absolute middle of nowhere.
“Right?”
The camera shakes its head to the affirmative.
“Excellent. Now...where are we? I got lost like five miles ago.”
The camera starts to look around frantically.
"Relax. Google. Maps. Where the hell are we."
"Somewhere in Canada."
The camera pans back slowly to the Carnival King who looks perplexed.
"No seriously. Where are we?"
"Somewhere in Canada. You are Lost."
“Oh...well then...Phone Lady. Call my wife again. I need more help than I thought.”
“Ladies, Gentlemen, beloved Cretins and miscreants. Today I come to you in order to correct a serious matter that I just cannot let stand. It’s been on my mind for a few days now and I have to get this out. I have to set the record straight because this matter should have been solved...years ago at this point.”
He takes in a deep breath and steels himself for the emotional roller coaster ride he’s preparing to go on. The Carnival King exhales and looks back into the camera.
“My name is FREAKKE. No E sound at the end there. No Kay. Freakke. Like the word Freak. You stop at the K. Every event for the twenty long years of my career, the announcers and commentators have managed to say it correctly for all the world to hear, and yet, somehow here I am, having to explain this again. For the billionth time. I cannot…”
He uses his free hand to rub his face in exasperation.
“I just can’t.”
He pulls the camera away from his face to turn it off but it catches a glimpse of him trying not to smile despite how serious he had been just moments before.
---
Freakke is in the driver seat of his van now. The video quality has drastically increased from the previous video. Niel Cicerega’s Mouth Moods album is playing lightly over the radio through his aux. The clown is dancing with his shoulders as he drives through the forested area outside of his hometown.
“Hey there. Your friendly neighborhood Freakke here. Things could be better lately. Not gonna lie, but I’ve got something fun in mind and lets just say, I’m looking for a mark. Someone to really take what I have in mind and help me just toss it up and over all expectations. We’ve got some time between here and there but I need to start working on it now ya know. I think your gonna like it.”
He turns and gives the camera a wink. A quick one. Ya know, cuz he’s driving.
“Up next though, Nova Scotia. Fight for the Fallen. Not a bad sentiment. If that’s really our intention then we need to make this a good one right? We’ve got a Battle Royal, a Debut bout, a Pair of Tag Matches I definitely won’t be missing, one of which is for the Tag Belts so dang fancy right? The Openweight Championship on the Line. Yeah. Gonna be a good night...wait. I’m forgetting something.”
Come on Freakke. Use that brain of yours. There’s something your forgetting.
“SHIT! I HAVE A TRIPLE THREAT I NEED TO GET TO!”
The Carnival King hit the Hand Brake and the Van started to spin in the street. A U-Turn in an ancient AstroVan like a pro. The wheels start squealing
“Siri, Google, whatever fekkin thing is on this stupid phone. Call Mina!”
The phone responded and rang and rang and rang.
“Hey, this is Mina. I’m not here now. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I can.”
Beep.
“MINA! I FORGOT ABOUT THE MEXICAN STANDOFF! I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHATS HIS NUTS OR LOCH NESS SOMETHING OR OTHER! YOU’RE MY MANAGER HELP! Also I used the last of the milk, I’ll be picking up a half gallon on the way home don’t add that to the grocery list. Love you, bye.”
The phone clicked off. The clown smiled fondly. The he remembered his panic and began screaming as the van raced down the back road on towards home.
“How the hell do I forget I’m supposed to be in Halifax in like a week? Why do I do this to me? Epp deer.”
He put on the breaks and the camera panned to see a handful of whitetail crossing the road lazily.
“OK. Stop. Breathe. Freakke breathe buddy. We can do this. Its a Triple Threat match. Rule of 3...no. That’s story telling. Something something Smiledriver? Three Musketeers? No we’re opponents not a team. Uhhh...Good Bad Ugly? No. Overplayed. Epp, deer are done.”
VRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOM.
“Alright. Plan, research, film training montage, promise Alice she can take the car out on Friday if she goes and gets tacos from the taco truck guy, eat tacos, kiss wife, listen to wife complain about breath smelling like al pastor, film new promotional material where I don’t forget that I have a match and know who the hell I’m facing-hey are you getting this down?”
The camera shakes like a head going no.
“Why not? I’m not going to remember all of this. Hell, I’m counting on forgetting I told my niece she could take my car on Friday already...shit.”
He frowns.
“OK...just so long as one of us remembers. Also, if anyone asks, no we don’t know what happened to the last slice of cheesecake. Which is what went with that last bit of milk.”
He’s looking at the camera man now. Deathly serious. The van has stopped and they are in the absolute middle of nowhere.
“Right?”
The camera shakes its head to the affirmative.
“Excellent. Now...where are we? I got lost like five miles ago.”
The camera starts to look around frantically.
"Relax. Google. Maps. Where the hell are we."
"Somewhere in Canada."
The camera pans back slowly to the Carnival King who looks perplexed.
"No seriously. Where are we?"
"Somewhere in Canada. You are Lost."
“Oh...well then...Phone Lady. Call my wife again. I need more help than I thought.”