Post by Dave D-Flipz on Sept 12, 2021 22:59:57 GMT -5
“DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INCORPORATED!!”
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS AFFRONT TO ALL THAT IS EVIL!?"
"You have become a liability. Our deal is null and void."
*Phroooaggh, the eldritch abomination inhabiting a wingaling dragon’s body, looms over the restrained Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz. The Angry Mad Chemists’ financial backer and idea/invention dude is restrained in some kind of horrific scientific device. It looks like teleporter pods from a sci-fi movie.*
"Ah, aha, well you see, it is a good thing that I had this device lying around. It, um, is, uh, a little crude but it should serve our purposes."
*Into the dungeon walks Dr. Ian Brundle, chaotician and weapons expert of the AMC. He gloats over his miraculous machine. Of course it’s his invention. Behind him is the horrible driver, Dr. William Lastname, and the robotics expert and mechanic, Dr. Ovi Kintobor. Billy surveys the room.*
"What possible reason could a scientist have for having a dungeon? Like, a science laboratory, sure. A body disposal room? Expected! But a medieval dungeon? Come on Doof."
"Billy! Ovi! You have always been voices of reason, surely you aren’t going to let this lizard body builder do this to your financial backer?"
"My ass is still two pants sizes bigger from your using us as guinea pigs!"
"Well I mean you gotta pop the fans, I heard one of them loves guinea pigs and…"
"ENOUGH HEINZ! You may be the one funding us, but we have had enough success through OUR handiwork that we can risk a little experiment on you. No worries old chap, no living moustaches, ectopic pregnancies, or badonkadonk in your future. But it’s a risk we have to take. We need the man who trusts SCIENCE back! You’ve gone nutso chasing this high that the other teams had. But we were never meant to dabble with these occult energies. We are men of science! And you lost the plot, like you always lose the damn platypus."
*Sure enough, on cue, a platypus in a fedora leaps in and grumbles. He still sports buck teeth and a censor bar on his crotch … but his mind is back.*
"PERRY THE PLATYPUS!"
*He leaps up and tail whips the doctor in the face. He then hops into a spy car and zooms out of the dungeon*
"Ok ok, I get it, you all are mad that I keep spending the money for your paychecks … and the maintenance on the CHEMISTRUCKINATOR!... and the food budget … on more items. BUT IT’S ALL FOR PHROOOAGGH! He promised me untold power in exchange for passage into this realm! He promised me the secrets of the other teams! That car with the tentacles! That car with the ghost! That DISPICABLE turtle team! And the FURRIES! Oh my gosh the horror!"
"I delivered. You forgot to write it down you ignorant…"
"BURNINATE! BURNINATE!"
*The dragon winces and shakes his head*
"REEEEEEEEEE…time is almost up. We do this now. Doof, you failed me, you gave me a dud body with a powerful mind. Now you will pay back the gift I gave to allow me an anchor to this world!"
*Phroooaggh steps into the second pod. Ian turns and powers on the machine. The doors to the Doof door and dragon door slide shut. A third and fourth whoosh are heard. Billy and Ovi spin and find two empty pods.*
"Ian?"
"The chaos energies are, well, um, off the scale. I needed a free pod for spillover."
"And the fourth?"
"A landing destination for our de-dragoned eldritch abomination! HAHA!"
"NOOOO! DON’T DO THIS! I NEED MY FOCUS! MY BRAIN POWER! I’VE DONE SO MUCH MORE EVIL WITH THE BEARD AND- OOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH BLLEEEEEEEEEH!"
*Ian cackles as he throws a large lever and several tesla coils start sparking for dramatic effect. Howls are heard in the distance. Somewhere the Esoteric Order must know an eldritch ritual is taking place. With a page turning, blood curdling, ghost evaporating screech – the darkness is siphoned off of Doof. A glowing red light is sucked from the dragon, and it slumps to the floor of its pod. Above the scientists, a chemical reaction of 2 parts evil, 4 parts eldritch, 1 part goofball, 3 parts magic, 2 parts science, and 6 parts hydrogen sulfide, methane, carbon dioxide, and nitrogen takes place! (That last one is farts don’tcha know. Doof had burritos).*
"IAN WHAT THE HELL!? TURN IT OFF!"
"YOU DID IT YOU CRAZY BASTARD! YOU PULLED IT OFF!"
*The concoction of evil blasts into the third pod with a farting noise and some brown goo flowing into the fourth. The pod doors to pods 1, 2, and 4 all open. A red haze emits from the receptacle. In pod one, Doof is visibly crying and is back to his usual self. All his added coolness is back to dentist sheek.*
"NOOO! I can’t hear the voices! I can’t remember how to teleport. I HATE LIVER AND ONIONS AGAIN! That last one was a side effect, considerably less broken up about it. *GASP* MY CUP CUP! It’s … it’s …"
"Clean. Restored. You were offending us with it. I uh, fixed the problem."
"Are there any side effects?"
"All the refuse is dumped in pod 4. I’ll incinerate the big pile of sh*t later."
"Well Doof is back to normal. What about the dragon?"
"NOOO MY BURNINATOR! He was like a green, scaly, muscular son to me! … A teenage son … horny and anti-authority. Full of piss and vinegar. And fire."
*The dragon lays in a heap on the floor of pod 2. Suddenly a metal clawed hand emerges from the red haze in pod 3 and grabs the frame of the pod. Out steps …
"Yes! YES! My faculties are my own! GENTLEMEN YOU HAVE MORE THAN SUCCEEDED! PHROOOAGGH THE RELENTLESS IS REBORN ANEW!"
"Wow … that is … sleeker and more awesome than I imagined. Far less tentacles and insanity inducing effects."
*The red monster sighs and taps his staff on the ground.*
"Yes well … I am not what Doof thought I was. He was too foolish to check his GRAMMAR before summoning an eldritch demon. He kept adding –inator to everything!"
"Heh um … yeah I need a copywriter in here to keep me honest …"
"I am actually a denizen of R’lyeh. And I am the leader of a resistance against the Old Ones. They f*ck EVERYTHING up! But I see a way to exact my revenge. Using the power I gained from Doof … I can begin my preparations. Come, I will assist you in preparing for this race in gratitude. I’m feeling generous!"
*The three teammates follow the red menace out the door to begin preparing the Chemistruckinator. How will the EOD feel about an ANTI-eldritch piece being put on the board? How will Mongo feel about more characters being thrown into his Network?*
"BUT MY DRAGON! MY BURNINATOR! HE’S DEAD!"
"*from off screen* UNLIKELY! This is a CAR joint after all, nothing alive gets unalived here!"
"Oh … good ol’ Meemaw I guess."
*Doof trots off after them. … We aren’t fading out … What’s … a hand emerges from pod 4. The pile of sh*t isn’t … a pile that is, it very much smells like sh*t. A piece of Doof combined with the fart gas and upside down nature of the other realm … A man looking like a cross eyed, hunchbacked Doof in a black lab coat emerges. His name tag reads rD. fooD. He shambles over like Igor to pod 2. He peers in.*
"Ha … HAHAHA … Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! You … you help me. We end world! FOR GLORY OF R’LYEH!"
*The dragon slowly rises to its stick figure feet.*
"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRR!!!!"
1. Are you a leaf in the wind?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.
Ovi: DAMNIT DOOF! Stop trying to get us cancelled by 80’s rock bands! Now all the RIAA people AND the browncoats are gonna be on our butts.
2. Do you plan to avoid hitting cardboard people?
Billy: Avoid? I’m supposed to avoid them? These Sheeple? Pfft. 10 POINTS A PIECE BITCHES!
3. Plan to get past the melted marshmallow pit?
Billy: I wonder how the corrosive cannon will effect something already melted? Ah when in doubt? D.O.O.F. Floof it!
4. How will your team respond to winning?
Burninator: BUUUUUURRRRN BUUUURNINATE! ALL S’MORES FOR ME!
5. How will your team respond to not winning?
Rd. Ztrimhsnefood: Glleeeek! Nek! Team meet me. TEAM GO BYE BYE!
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS AFFRONT TO ALL THAT IS EVIL!?"
"You have become a liability. Our deal is null and void."
*Phroooaggh, the eldritch abomination inhabiting a wingaling dragon’s body, looms over the restrained Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz. The Angry Mad Chemists’ financial backer and idea/invention dude is restrained in some kind of horrific scientific device. It looks like teleporter pods from a sci-fi movie.*
"Ah, aha, well you see, it is a good thing that I had this device lying around. It, um, is, uh, a little crude but it should serve our purposes."
*Into the dungeon walks Dr. Ian Brundle, chaotician and weapons expert of the AMC. He gloats over his miraculous machine. Of course it’s his invention. Behind him is the horrible driver, Dr. William Lastname, and the robotics expert and mechanic, Dr. Ovi Kintobor. Billy surveys the room.*
"What possible reason could a scientist have for having a dungeon? Like, a science laboratory, sure. A body disposal room? Expected! But a medieval dungeon? Come on Doof."
"Billy! Ovi! You have always been voices of reason, surely you aren’t going to let this lizard body builder do this to your financial backer?"
"My ass is still two pants sizes bigger from your using us as guinea pigs!"
"Well I mean you gotta pop the fans, I heard one of them loves guinea pigs and…"
"ENOUGH HEINZ! You may be the one funding us, but we have had enough success through OUR handiwork that we can risk a little experiment on you. No worries old chap, no living moustaches, ectopic pregnancies, or badonkadonk in your future. But it’s a risk we have to take. We need the man who trusts SCIENCE back! You’ve gone nutso chasing this high that the other teams had. But we were never meant to dabble with these occult energies. We are men of science! And you lost the plot, like you always lose the damn platypus."
*Sure enough, on cue, a platypus in a fedora leaps in and grumbles. He still sports buck teeth and a censor bar on his crotch … but his mind is back.*
"PERRY THE PLATYPUS!"
*He leaps up and tail whips the doctor in the face. He then hops into a spy car and zooms out of the dungeon*
"Ok ok, I get it, you all are mad that I keep spending the money for your paychecks … and the maintenance on the CHEMISTRUCKINATOR!... and the food budget … on more items. BUT IT’S ALL FOR PHROOOAGGH! He promised me untold power in exchange for passage into this realm! He promised me the secrets of the other teams! That car with the tentacles! That car with the ghost! That DISPICABLE turtle team! And the FURRIES! Oh my gosh the horror!"
"I delivered. You forgot to write it down you ignorant…"
"BURNINATE! BURNINATE!"
*The dragon winces and shakes his head*
"REEEEEEEEEE…time is almost up. We do this now. Doof, you failed me, you gave me a dud body with a powerful mind. Now you will pay back the gift I gave to allow me an anchor to this world!"
*Phroooaggh steps into the second pod. Ian turns and powers on the machine. The doors to the Doof door and dragon door slide shut. A third and fourth whoosh are heard. Billy and Ovi spin and find two empty pods.*
"Ian?"
"The chaos energies are, well, um, off the scale. I needed a free pod for spillover."
"And the fourth?"
"A landing destination for our de-dragoned eldritch abomination! HAHA!"
"NOOOO! DON’T DO THIS! I NEED MY FOCUS! MY BRAIN POWER! I’VE DONE SO MUCH MORE EVIL WITH THE BEARD AND- OOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH BLLEEEEEEEEEH!"
*Ian cackles as he throws a large lever and several tesla coils start sparking for dramatic effect. Howls are heard in the distance. Somewhere the Esoteric Order must know an eldritch ritual is taking place. With a page turning, blood curdling, ghost evaporating screech – the darkness is siphoned off of Doof. A glowing red light is sucked from the dragon, and it slumps to the floor of its pod. Above the scientists, a chemical reaction of 2 parts evil, 4 parts eldritch, 1 part goofball, 3 parts magic, 2 parts science, and 6 parts hydrogen sulfide, methane, carbon dioxide, and nitrogen takes place! (That last one is farts don’tcha know. Doof had burritos).*
"IAN WHAT THE HELL!? TURN IT OFF!"
"YOU DID IT YOU CRAZY BASTARD! YOU PULLED IT OFF!"
*The concoction of evil blasts into the third pod with a farting noise and some brown goo flowing into the fourth. The pod doors to pods 1, 2, and 4 all open. A red haze emits from the receptacle. In pod one, Doof is visibly crying and is back to his usual self. All his added coolness is back to dentist sheek.*
"NOOO! I can’t hear the voices! I can’t remember how to teleport. I HATE LIVER AND ONIONS AGAIN! That last one was a side effect, considerably less broken up about it. *GASP* MY CUP CUP! It’s … it’s …"
"Clean. Restored. You were offending us with it. I uh, fixed the problem."
"Are there any side effects?"
"All the refuse is dumped in pod 4. I’ll incinerate the big pile of sh*t later."
"Well Doof is back to normal. What about the dragon?"
"NOOO MY BURNINATOR! He was like a green, scaly, muscular son to me! … A teenage son … horny and anti-authority. Full of piss and vinegar. And fire."
*The dragon lays in a heap on the floor of pod 2. Suddenly a metal clawed hand emerges from the red haze in pod 3 and grabs the frame of the pod. Out steps …
"Yes! YES! My faculties are my own! GENTLEMEN YOU HAVE MORE THAN SUCCEEDED! PHROOOAGGH THE RELENTLESS IS REBORN ANEW!"
"Wow … that is … sleeker and more awesome than I imagined. Far less tentacles and insanity inducing effects."
*The red monster sighs and taps his staff on the ground.*
"Yes well … I am not what Doof thought I was. He was too foolish to check his GRAMMAR before summoning an eldritch demon. He kept adding –inator to everything!"
"Heh um … yeah I need a copywriter in here to keep me honest …"
"I am actually a denizen of R’lyeh. And I am the leader of a resistance against the Old Ones. They f*ck EVERYTHING up! But I see a way to exact my revenge. Using the power I gained from Doof … I can begin my preparations. Come, I will assist you in preparing for this race in gratitude. I’m feeling generous!"
*The three teammates follow the red menace out the door to begin preparing the Chemistruckinator. How will the EOD feel about an ANTI-eldritch piece being put on the board? How will Mongo feel about more characters being thrown into his Network?*
"BUT MY DRAGON! MY BURNINATOR! HE’S DEAD!"
"*from off screen* UNLIKELY! This is a CAR joint after all, nothing alive gets unalived here!"
"Oh … good ol’ Meemaw I guess."
*Doof trots off after them. … We aren’t fading out … What’s … a hand emerges from pod 4. The pile of sh*t isn’t … a pile that is, it very much smells like sh*t. A piece of Doof combined with the fart gas and upside down nature of the other realm … A man looking like a cross eyed, hunchbacked Doof in a black lab coat emerges. His name tag reads rD. fooD. He shambles over like Igor to pod 2. He peers in.*
"Ha … HAHAHA … Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! You … you help me. We end world! FOR GLORY OF R’LYEH!"
*The dragon slowly rises to its stick figure feet.*
"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRR!!!!"
1. Are you a leaf in the wind?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.
Ovi: DAMNIT DOOF! Stop trying to get us cancelled by 80’s rock bands! Now all the RIAA people AND the browncoats are gonna be on our butts.
2. Do you plan to avoid hitting cardboard people?
Billy: Avoid? I’m supposed to avoid them? These Sheeple? Pfft. 10 POINTS A PIECE BITCHES!
3. Plan to get past the melted marshmallow pit?
Billy: I wonder how the corrosive cannon will effect something already melted? Ah when in doubt? D.O.O.F. Floof it!
4. How will your team respond to winning?
Burninator: BUUUUUURRRRN BUUUURNINATE! ALL S’MORES FOR ME!
5. How will your team respond to not winning?
Rd. Ztrimhsnefood: Glleeeek! Nek! Team meet me. TEAM GO BYE BYE!
