,::XHF NETWORK PRESENTS: CRUISERFEST 2021::..

[Dave D-Flipz]

The XHF Network Proudly Presents:
Cruiserfest 2021
Date: September 26th, 2021
Location: Blackpool Tower Ballroom, Blackpool, Lancashire, England

Attendance: 600 (Masks required)
Theme Song: "Learn to Fly" by Foo Fighters

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"Learn to Fly by Foo Fighters blasts through the sophisticated sound system of the Blackpool Tower Ballroom. 600 raucous fans erupt in cheers and begin to sing along. We zoom around to the opposite side of the ballroom, opposite the stage, which has been decked out with a miniature Xtremetron and some curtains for a spectacle of an entrance for each wrestler. In this spot opposite the stage sits a commentary table, and in the chairs behind it sits Randy Angel and Joey Hawke, ready to call the action.

Hawke: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! CRUISERFEST RETURNS! A once hallowed XHF event that launched the careers of many stars...
Randy: Including my brother Nelly! HEY BRO! Good luck ... uh ... interviewing ... the GUNS guys! Who aren't here tonight! Like you! Aren't here tonight!
Hawke: Well ... said? Anyway tonight we get the return of the Cruiserfest. Not a tournament, not a ladder hell, but a simple battle royale! The old school way, like I like it!
Randy: Like your MOM likes it!
Hawke: My mom is in her 90s...
Randy: Gross *gulps a shot of Super Sake*
Hawke: Well, Randy, tonight in just about forty-five minutes we will be in for a spectacle. We have the five minutes to introduce this thing, and a half hour of red carpet shenanigans!
Randy: And then the prerequisite ten minute end of days promo package Mongo made for us to watch while the fans get their food and drink orders in and get suitably sloshed! Like me! *gulp*
Hawke: So let's get to the match tonight. We have seventeen competitors down at the Blackpool Fitness Centre, weighing in for the contest tonight.
Randy: Shall we throw down to Bonnie and the crew who will have to then run here in the ten minute intermission and have this big match?

---

Blackpool Fitness Centre. Located just outside the Blackpool Tower buildings, this top of the line gymnasium seems the perfect place for those inspired to new levels of health by the acrobatic performances hosted by the local circus – or those that have been shamed by their levels of fatigue on Coral Island. It also has a fully stocked proper bar, because Blackpool. It’s convenient proximity to Cruiserfest makes this venue a perfect stop for talent looking to warm up before the big fight. As the camera pans past crowded leg presses, preacher benches, and elliptical trainers – more than one familiar face appears. In the far corner, Redmond Fury exchanges pleasantries with the gym’s owner, Terry Wallace, while overseeing some of his students. LA Wombat looks ready to die sweating bullets on one treadmill, while Mr. Blobby stands stationary on another – eating business cards while watching the Cruiserfest pre-show on an overhead television.

LA Wombat: Just kill me.

Redmond Fury: That’s the spirit! You got this buddy!

The camera continues panning past XHF talent, until resting on Bonnie Jenkins who sits next to a large scale, the final weigh-in station for cruiserfest. A shadow falls across Bonnie Jenkins' production notes, causing Mongo's secretary to look up.

Jesse Jamester: There sure are a lot of stars in Blackpool for cruiserfest that have nothing to do with cruiserfest.

Bonnie Jenkins: Some of the Network executives still view this as a big man's sport. They were concerned about selling out with cruiserweights. So we had a number of talent brought in on standby in case we needed a beefier undercard to sell out. Fortunately with masks, hitting 600 capacity wasn't a problem.

Jesse Jamester: Imagine that.

Bonnie Jenkins: From who you’ve seen advertised for the show, do you have a favorite to win it all?

Jesse Jamester: You see names like Dylan Black, Adrien Cochrane, Greg Adkins, El Rey, Vodka Fizz, Chris Sanderson, Joe Nobody, hell they even have our Northern Pro Double Crown Champion himself - Lord Dominicus in this thing. Now, that list alone is impressive, if not the spectacle of the summer - even if it's over. Bloodied Fox will have the fight of their life to retain the XHF Junior Heavyweight championship...

Bonnie Jenkins: But you didn't tell me who your favorite is?

Jesse Jamester: Matches like this, you go with the person who welcomes chaos, who thrives and relishes the mayhem. I love seeing people enjoy this craft in that ring, but... when they can take the fans on a ride, when they know that anything can happen, and they ask for that unknown madness to find them -- you have a dangerous opponent in that ring. I have wrestled a few of these kind of men, some of them are competing tonight - but one specific person, I haven't had the pleasure of dancing with...

Pausing, the Canadian Nightmare stands there petting his exposed beard from the chin area where his lizard mask doesn't cover. The black scaly exterior shell turns to Bonnie slightly.

Jesse Jamester: Donzig. He's got my vote of confidence. Sure as hell doesn't need it, but that's who I see taking this one tonight.

Enjoying the frequent flyer miles, Jesse Jamester nods to Bonnie politely. JJ then heads for gym’s exit, looking to reach Blackpool Tower before the festival begins, where he counts himself amongst the 600 in attendance. Needing to hurry in that direction herself, Bonnie turns back to the task at hand.

Bonnie Jenkins: 500 pounds.

Dinosaur Bones: I WILL MAKE YOU SWALLOW THOSE OUTRAGEOUS LIES FLESHLING, THEN WHEN YOU HAVE FATTENED UP ON FALSE TRUTHS, I WILL CONSUME YOU!

Hearing the commotion, Redmond Fury places himself between the irate dracolich and bearer of bad news.

Redmond Fury: Dread, what happened?

Dinosaur Bones: I DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID. I REPLACED MY DELICIOUS MCNUGGETS WITH A DISGUSTING HEDGEHOG MEAL PLAN.

Redmond Fury: Did you remember to clean the hedgehogs?

Dinosaur Bones: BATHE THEM?

Redmond Fury: Hedgehogs are full of gold rings, if you weren’t cleaning them; you’re probably loaded up with mineral deposits. A little nitric acid and we’ll get you into cruiserfest yet!

Dinosaur Bones: YOU DARE TO REMOVE MY SHINY LUSTRE? TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME!

Redmond Fury: Now hang on there Dread-

Dinosaur Bones: IF I CAN’T HAVE THE JUNIOR CHAMPIONSHIP DUE TO YOUR INFERIOR SONIC DIET, I WILL TAKE YOUR BELT INSTEAD!!!

Redmond Fury: I am always up for a challenge, but can we at least take this outside?

---

XHF Phoenix Championship
Gym Brawl
"The Buckeye Bruiser" Redmond Fury (c) vs "The Dread Lord" Dinosaur Bones

---

The champion begins to walk towards the exit, not wanting to damage the fitness centre. Only for Bones to kick over a pec deck machine – blocking the path.

Magnus: A friend to all gymrats, Redmond Fury attempting to minimize damage to the location, but the challenger practically insisting on it.
Phillips: Bones is spoiling for a fight. It’s a good thing we were killing time here before the cruiserfest... but why are we here?
Magnus: With their rematch on the horizon, Fury and Wombat are a powder keg waiting to explode! I knew a Phoenix defense would materialize over here; it was just a question of time.

Recognizing Fury’s discomfort, Bones decides to wreck the place further – picking up a kettlebell and tossing it across the room. Only he is a T-Rex skeleton with tiny arms, so the kettlebell goes about two feet. The clanging sound of the weight on the floor is enough to send most of the lifters running. Self-conscious about the throw, Bones kicks a medicine ball at the mirror that makes up the far right wall. Fury dives in front of it, stopping the medicine ball from breaking the mirror. Undeterred, Bones kicks another medicine ball towards the champion. Fury manages to block this too, but barely gets his arm up – taking the bulk of the hit to the shoulder. A third one is aimed at the bar, but Fury leaps into it, spinning it around and sending it back Bones way. The dracolich catches it in its mouth.

Magnus: Bones catching the- Fury charges in with a forearm smash, driving that medicine ball further into Bones’ maw! Fury with a series of palm strikes each one shoving the ball further down the undead dinosaur’s gullet!
Phillips: Bones looks like he’s struggling to swallow it, but for Fury’s flurry of strikes, the much larger challenger is barely staggered.

Bones reaches up trying to pull out the obstruction, but his arms just won’t reach. While the Dinosaur is distracted, Fury grabs a headlock attempting to escort Bones out of the gym. Infuriated by this added distraction, Bones uses a shoulderblock to knock Fury off of him. Undeterred, Fury ducks a tiny roundhouse right and grabs a waistlock. Showing herculean strength, Fury starts to drag Bones towards the exit – one inch at a time. The Dread Lord flails about, with the struggle between the two looking more like an attempted Heimlich maneuver.

Magnus: Most champions would let Bones choke, but not Fury. Even as The Dread Lord attempts to break things, Fury is still trying to help him breathe. One of the XHF’s genuine nice guys!
Phillips: It should be noted that Wombat has been desperately trying to escape the gym since this started, but Bones’ tail keeps cutting him off.
Magnus: Whoever wins this is taking on LA Wombat at the Venom Memorial! The XHF legend isn’t being held here against his will, he is just scouting the competition. What a pro!

As Bones kicks over a squat rack, Fury digs deep to drag him harder. The struggle turns into a belly-to-back suplex attempt. Once. Twice. Fury almost gets the giant monster off the ground, but it’s hard to get a good grip on the squirming target. Finally Bones is able to bite through the medicine ball, chewing away. No longer choking, the Dinosaur finds his footing – lurching forwards to buck Fury off him. The Buckeye Bruiser lands on his feet, and spins around with a Pec Pop that stops the challenger dead in his tracks. Fury then charges in with a shouldertackle, trying to shove Bones towards the exit – only to eat a tiny arm double-axe handle chop. A second attempt is greeted by another questionable chop, and a third. Starting to lose ground, Bones finally leans down and bites the champion’s right shoulder.

Magnus: Bones drawing blood from Fury’s shoulder, and uses it for a grip to toss him across the room – TORN ASUNDER!
Phillips: It looks like the coast is clear for LA Wombat to run away – no, having to duck as Bones swings his tail wildly.
Magnus: I don’t know what brawl you’re sitting through Phillips. Wombat is just making sure onlookers are safe!

Fury nails Bones with a stiff closeline. Bones staggers slightly under the force, but the move further opens up the cut on Fury’s shoulder. Grabbing a barbell with his mouth, Bones throws it at the bar – only for Fury to catch it in midair, spinning around with it for a LOADED discus punch with finally rocks the undead lizard. Carefully placing the barbell back to avoid scratching the floor, Fury starts to go for another devastating Pec Pop – only for Bones to bite into the shoulder again.

Magnus: Torn Asunder – Bones keeps his jaw clamped, hanging on for one, two, ROLLING TORN ASUNDERS! Just tearing Fury’s shoulder to shreds with those grotesque biting suplexes!
Phillips: Fury is doing his best to limit collateral damage, but protecting the space is really hurting the champ’s defence.
Magnus: The last Biting Suplex sends Fury through a workbench. Bones standing on Fury’s chest for what we can only assume is a conscious cover, as referee Johnny Cobb comes out of a planking class.

ONE!
TWO!
TH-

Phillips: Fury with a kickout, who knows if he can still use that gory shoulder to lift it up otherwise.

Bones hits the QUAKE – stomping on Fury’s midsection with such force that the ground shakes, knocking over a few dumbbells. A big kick to the midsection knocks Fury up in the air, just high enough to set the champion up for a vicious kneelift to the gut. With his one good arm, Fury holds his ribs in agony. Bones fires off another big kick, which knocks Fury through a door into a hot yoga classroom. The practitioners seem mellow enough that projectile Fury doesn’t phase them, then Bones follows him in. Not wanting any part of the heat, the cameraman waits out on the main gym floor. A few seconds later there are screams, and a dozen Hot Yogis escape out the broken door.

Phillips: Wait, they still wear clothes for Hot Yoga? Ripoff.
Magnus: Watch it, Pervy Tom. Bones and Fury now out of view, but from the sounds of destruction, you know they are having a wild brawl!

A loud crashing noise sees the camera pan over from the Hot Yoga classroom to the room next door, labelled swimming pool. Almost like they went through a wall instead of a door. The sounds of destruction continue. The cameraman starts to pan over to the spinning class, only for Fury to be thrown through a wall for the room marked Zumba.

Magnus: How many classes are they taking?
Phillips: I hope that isn’t a load-bearing wall...

Dinosaur Bones uses his tail to knock Fury into a crowd of people trying to leave. The Dread Lord stomps over to retrieve his prey, and further intimidate the apes – only to get knocked back.

Phillips: One of the many stars who have had their pre-match workouts disrupted, DYLAN BLACK just knocked Dinosaur Bones down with a straight jab from that robot hand!
Magnus: Bones roaring in anger, only to be silenced by a shotgun dropkick by Black.
Phillips: Black going for another straight jab, but Bones biting the former X*Crown champion’s robotic hand.

Getting back to his feet, Fury charges in to pull Bones off of Black. Grabbing the Dinosaur by the waist, Fury attempts to yank him loose. The three men struggle before Fury finally pulls the two others over with a belly-to-back suplex – right through a wall and into a hot tub.

Magnus: Fury showing his outrageous strength to suplex Bones in an attempt to free Black, only to take Black over – and all three men- crashing into a hot-
Phillips: WHOA! Sparks shooting out of Black’s hand, and it looks like all three of them are finding the experience SHOCKING!
Magnus: Water splashing across the floor as the larger Bones tries to walk off the effects of that electrocution. The two human beings having a harder time shaking it off...
Phillips: Bones stomping over, and making a cover-

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Magnus: HE DID IT! DINOSAUR BONES PICKS UP THE WIN!

Rising, Bones raises tiny arms in victory. It’s just too bad that all humans look alike to him.

Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match and NEW... FWA Anarchy Champion, DINOSAUR BONES!!!!

Phillips: So the Phoenix title match is still going on?
Magnus: Bones hasn’t pinned Fury yet.

Realizing that he still has to take Fury’s belt, and also that the other human he’s been fighting is his nemesis, Dylan Black, Dinosaur Bones lets out a murderous roar before kicking the unconscious Dylan Black into the bar.

Magnus: Fury slowly coming to – but Bones kicks him into a wall, then bodyslams a leg extension machine ONTO the champ. That is one way to use it! Bones feels like he’s had his cruiserfest chances blown by Fury’s diet advice, and won’t be happy without a pound of flesh.

Elsewhere. The Galactic Sex Pirates are walking down the Blackpool Tower boulevard, doing sex piracy things... like walking.

Greg Adkins: I've been putting Omega-3 pills in Dinosaur Bones' water - increasing his bone density so there is no way he makes weight! I get rid of one of the other Junior Heavyweights before cruiserfest even starts, and he'll take his aggression out on Fury - weakening him for my Phoenix rematch! That strap is as good as mine!

Rob Riot: You're talking about making it easier for a dinosaur to win the belt. Do I really need to point out the obvious flaw in that?

Greg Adkins: It'll be fine. Bones or Fury, I got there-

Down the street, Redmond Fury is thrown through a window. A bloody mess, the champion limps back into the Blackpool Fitness Centre. A loud tyrannosaurs growl is bone chilling.

Greg Adkins: Um ...Nah... uh... I got that division covered. Uh. On an unrelated note, I have to go...

Adkins runs down the street in the direction of the Phoenix match, just as LA Wombat is sent flying through another window. The feed returns to the gym.

Magnus: Did you see how high Wombat flew? What a phenomenal athlete.
Phillips: Bones with a tails wipe, but Fury leaps over it and hits him with a jumping bicep smash!
Magnus: Fury goes for the Buckeye Bomber, only for Bones to turn it into a backdrop! Fury lands on his feet, but Bones from behind going for a Surprising Technical Flourish – at least attempting, but Fury is trying to muscle out. A real show of strength by both, but Bones seems to be incensed – really fighting for it.

Redmond Fury: What are you doing?

Greg Adkins: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm helping to save your title!

Redmond Fury: Stop humping his leg, you're just making him angrier!

Dinosaur Bones: GET OFF APE!

Greg Adkins: SUBMIT!

Magnus: “Guttertrash” Greg Adkins, the man who Redmond Fury defeated for the title at Night of Champions, and Fury’s upcoming challenger at End of Days should he retain, has made an appearance here at the Blackpool Fitness Centre.
Phillips: As a cruiserfest participant, Adkins is one of the few people I actually expect to see around here. But trying to help Fury? That’s new.
Magnus: Whether he is actually helping Fury remains to be seen, as his offensive offensive flurry seems to be inciting Bones to new levels of violence.

Fury manages to break the STF attempt, only for Bones to knock him down with a tailspin. After shaking a few times, Bones knocks Adkins off onto Fury. Snatching up a kettlebell, Bones again throws it a good foot – where Fury and Adkins have to roll out of the way. Bones kicks and stomps away, trying to thrash the duo, only for them to roll with the blows.

Magnus: Greg Adkins goes for a crotch claw of doom – but the skeletal lizard doesn’t really have a crotch to claw. It’s enough of a distraction for Fury to hit the Buckeye Shot off a bench!

ONE!
TWO! Adkins puts his weight on Bones as well to make sure the big brute stays down.
THR- Fury breaks the pin.

Redmond Fury: I appreciate your vote of confidence Greg, but I'd rather you didn't interfere, if I can't beat Dread by myself, I don't deserve to be champion.

Greg Adkins: You DON'T deserve to be champion, but I'm not going to let you lose - robbing MY fans of our rematch.

Magnus: Bones with finger pokes to the eyes of both men, and then does a very slow spinerooni, which –with his tail- effectively knocks the two down.
Phillips: MASSIVE TAIL STRIKE sends Fury into that mirror wall which- that is a lot of broken shards.
Magnus: Bones grinding Fury’s midsection into that broken mirror, slashing his stomach up.

Greg Adkins throws a dumbbell at the back of Bones’ head to distract him. Bones responds by using his tail to knock a leg curl machine in Adkins’ direction. Greg ducks under the large piece of exercise equipment, leaving it to fall on top of the still unconscious Dylan.

Magnus: Bones returns to Fury, going for a Crescent Moon Memories – only to be caught in midair, and The Buckeye Bruiser takes him down with THE DUST OFF!!!

Takes Johnny Cobb a second to get into position because of all the sharp mirror pieces, but here he comes-

ONE!
TWO!
THR-SHOULDER UP!

Completely ignoring the destruction around him is Mr. Blobby who continues to consume business cards while standing stationary on a treadmill watching the Cruiserfest preshow on an overhead television. At the moment, Todd Pettengill is hyping the event.

Todd Pettengill (TV): When it comes to highflying athleticism, few fly higher than the stars of the junior heavyweight division. Can the incredible Fox continue his historic run with the title, or will one of these fifteen other superstars have his number? Or will it be a surprising participant? You never know who is going to show up at Cruiserfest, take a look at the first shocking guest star to appear at Blackpool Tower earlier in the program.

The footage cuts to inside the Blackpool Tower Ballroom earlier in the evening, where fans are starting to enter for the big event. Suddenly an elderly teenager enters the ring with a live microphone.

Pepe Morales (TV): You might as well go home folks, because despite XHF SELLING zis lousy lightweight garbage with ze dream match zat was me taking Betsy Granger to school – our little squash was apparently SUBJECT TO CHANGE. We signed ze contract, had management in place, everything was above board and OFFICIAL – but we couldn’t count on ze yellow streak down Granger’s back. So ze reason you came here? To see me destroy her – well, she wasted your time. All zat is left is a Fox match, and who wants to see zat? Your time has been wasted. I understand her disrespecting you people, I mean, who wouldn’t? But I’m calling zis NO SHOW what it is – a forfeit. So as far as I’m concerned, I won. I AM ZE LAST PRESTIGE CHAMPION. NOT GRANGER, ME! I’ll have my lawyers secure ze strap from her. So if any former AWF official is ever zinking about resurrecting zat company, or ze XHF is ever thinking of adding ze Prestige title to another championship – zey have my number. And if Ziko, Steele, Barratt or anyone else has a problem with zat I will mow zem down. Hell, get Seth Dillinger to roll his ass down; I’ll set zat cripple on fire-

Hawke (TV): HYPERION!
Randy (TV): Hyperion charging the ring – Zoran trying to literally cut him off with a sickle, but The Mad Titan sidesteps it and takes the Final Boss’ head off with a big boot!
Hawke (TV): Hyperion taking exception to Sainovic’s schemes as it relates to Ascension’s legacy, and showing Zoran the wrath of a god! Sainovic swinging that sickle trying to create some breathing room, but Hyperion just ignoring it and hammering down BRUTAL blows.

Greg Adkins blocks the screen. Guttertrash has Bones in a sleeperhold, and is holding on for dear life as the dracolich tries to buck him while attempting to eat a very bloody Redmond Fury. Mr. Blobby moves slightly, trying to look around the wild fight in front of him for the Hyperion Sainovic action on television. Yay! Another screen! Is taken out by Adkins feet as he’s thrown around. Damn.

Randy (TV): Hyperion has beaten Sainovic so badly that his face looks like raw hamburger, I mean; his nose is practically falling off!
Hawke (TV): That’s a fake nose.
Randy (TV): You can’t tell.

Adkins tosses Fury a barbell to use as a weapon, but Fury drops it because he wants to do this clean. Adkins throws Fury another barbell this time closer to his head. Fury catches this, and before he can put it away sees Bones. The Dinosaur has gotten his tiny hands on a seven-foot-power bar with sixty pound weights on either side. The weapon finally giving the dinosaur the arm reach he normally misses. Swinging it in a circular pose, Bones seems to mimic the gestures of Darth Maul.

Hawke (TV): Double leg takedown, and there is the mount, Hyperion continuing to just pummel Sainovic – no, Zoran rolling it over, peppering the Mad Titan with some stiff shots of his own.
Randy (TV): Both men trading blows, and the crowd are on fire!

Fury is forced to play Adkins game and use a dumbbell to protect himself, as the three engage in duelling weights that seems to parody the three-way fight at the end of Phantom Menace. Only breaking a lot more crap in the process. Dancing between the three of them is Mr. Blobby who just wants to watch television in peace, and seems blissfully unaware to what a cracked skull feels like.

Hawke (TV): Fighting up to their feet, going blow for blow, but with the clear size advantage Hyperion getting the better of the exchange. Sainovic with a fistful of white powder to even things-
Randy (TV): Who needs to see? HYPERION WITH THE FIRST PRINCIPLE!!! HE JUST KNOCKED ZORAN OVER THE TOP ROPE OUT TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!

A spinning double dumbbell strike by Adkins and Fury knocks Bones off his feet. As his tail swings through the air, it knocks the television off its perch on the ceiling. Fortunately all the cables are still attached to watch the cruiserfest preshow, unfortunately the television gets wrapped around Bones’ tail – and is dragged after the dracolich. Mr. Blobby follows after Bones, turning so that he can maintain an upright perspective of the constantly flipping television screen.

Hawke (TV): Zoran coughing up blood on the outside, I think he landed on his sickle. Randy (TV): Despite trying to win a title without having a match, this doesn’t look like Zoran’s night.

Sparks fly from some power outlets, while tiny electrical fires spring up throughout the gymnasium. Every time Bones parries a weight shot, he drags the mass of electrical cables with him – yanking them out of the wall, and not helping with the fire.

Hawke (TV): Dozens of security guards swarming between the two trying to keep Hyperion from MURDERING Sainovic. He doesn't take these kinds of slights lightly.
Randy (TV): Zoran spitting blood at Hyperion, and keeps mouthing Prestige champ while gesturing to his waist. If Sainovic doesn’t watch it, those security guards aren’t going to be able to save him from the Mad Titan!
Hawke (TV): A small army at ringside. Sainovic can barely stand, and Hyperion looks ready to finish him!

Mr. Blobby is glued to the television, and completely unaware of the many fires that are springing up around him.

Todd Pettengill (TV): The one XHF talent I would never have expected to see at cruiserfest, is that six-foot-nine, over three-hundred-pound Mad Titan, Hyperion! Apparently Zoran Sainovic wasn’t expecting him either. I suspect this isn’t the last time we see them come to blows, nor is it the last surprise we’ll get from Cruiserfest – exclusively on the XHF Network! So if you aren’t currently a subscriber to the Network, now is the time to contact your cable or satellite provider.

With the return of Todd Pettengill, the allure of television finally fades for Mr. Blobby, who picks up a broken piece of bench and uses it to smash the screen. Looking around Mr. Blobby is finally aware of the growing fire. He then looks at the various motivational slogans that are pinned up around the dilapidated gym. FEEL THE BURN! FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE! Fight fire wth fire? Setting his little piece of wood ablaze, Mr. Blobby starts wandering around trying to put out the inferno by starting more fires.

Bonnie Jenkins: About time.

Before burning to death, Dylan Black finally wakes up – using his robotic hand to clear the few dozen weight machines that he has been buried under.

Bonnie Jenkins: You need to get over to Cruiserfest now!

Walking past Mongo’s secretary, Dylan Black arrives at the three-way-brawl just in time to make Dinosaur Bones eat a Disasterpiece.

Magnus: Black back in the action with bicycle knee strike.
Phillips: Adkins trying to swing his barbell at Black, but Fury getting in the way.

While the unlikely allies try to reach an understanding, Black grabs a steel resistance band and uses it to drag Bones onto a rowing machine. Here Black uses the steel band to tie Bones arms to the resistance machine. Once the barely conscious dracolich is in place, Black unloads a brutally stiff facewash. Each kick strong enough to chip away at bone, every hit strong enough to knock Bones back, yet the rowing seat forces Bones back for another one. If the audience hadn’t fled with the fire, they might count along for a quick 10.

Magnus: Black using a rowing machine to just – well, that was brutal. A lot of bad blood between these two FWA Anarchy rivals. The resistance band is the only thing keeping Bones up, and when Black lets go of it, Bones slumps to the ground.

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!

Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match, and NEW FWA Anarchy Champion, Dylan Black!!! Happy Dylan? Can you please go to Cruiserfest now? How many titles do you need?

Magnus: Dylan Black with another kick to the downed Bones, and collecting his championship, turns to leave.

Bonnie Jenkins: You too, Greg!

Magnus: Greg Adkins is trying to get Redmond Fury to pin Bones while the Dread Lord is still out from that Dylan Black assault, but the Buckeye Bruiser doesn’t want it like that. Fighting champion that he is, who could blame him! Though this fire does put a bit of a time factor on it.
Phillips: I’m not entirely comfortable here; can we finish this from the outside?
Magnus: There are enough holes in the wall, that we should be able to see it from safety. Wait, Bones shooting back up with a Hyakuretsukyaku, only Fury stops him dead in his tracks with a BUCKEYE SHOT II!

ONE!
TWO!
THR-

Ai Moe breaks the pin.

Magnus: Ai Moe pulls Fury off of Bones, then goes for the cover herself! Johnny Cobb explaining to Moe that Bones is no longer the FWA Anarchy champion, and she should probably chase Dylan Black instead.
Phillips: These mistakes happen.
Magnus: Ai Moe turning to leave- only to have Dinosaur Bones pop up, back dropping her INTO the ceiling!

Concrete dust and ceiling panels join the billowing smoke and burning embers, as it becomes harder to see inside the gym. Ai Moe hangs onto a ceiling panel, dangling a few feet above Dinosaur Bones’ open mouth.

Magnus: Now that Bones isn’t watching his weight, he’d like nothing more than to digest Ai Moe. She is hanging on for dear life!
Phillips: Here comes Fury and Adkins together – double closeline, staggers Bones. Double leg lariat, knocks him away from Moe.
Magnus: He’s still standing! Here they come, double dropkick to the knees! Amazing teamwork for two men that genuinely dislike each other. Both men again rolling out of the ways of stomps, as they try to fight back up, no, instead going for a double drop toehold! Bones sent skull first into a lat press!

Fury jumps on the lat press and starts lifting, because that’s his thing. The counterweights, set to eighty pounds go up and down, smashing into Bones’ head again and again.

Magnus: It’s a good thing Bones is already dead, or we’d be witnessing a homicide.
Phillips: Well he does have little X marks over his eyes at this point.
Magnus: The Dread Lord seeing stars, and Greg Adkins stepping back as Redmond Fury lifts the half-ton dinosaur up for- THE ORPHANIZER!
Phillips: Fury wrenching back on that Katahajime, but Bones is too out of it to feel the pain.
Magnus: Johnny Cobb raising the unconscious dracolich’s hand once – with this much smoke, he doesn’t need to do it three times.

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match and STILL XHF Phoenix champion, REDMOND FURY!! Christ, my eyes are tearing up from this smoke – Adkins lets get to Cruiserfest!

Magnus: Well there you have it folks, thanks for joining us for this GUNS style action. Redmond Fury lives to defend another day- though I have a feeling we’re going to see these two lock-up again in a one on one setting. We look forwards to seeing him defend against Greg Adkins, if he can somehow get past Wombat – and that’s a big IF.

The Buckeye Bruiser takes Mr. Blobby’s flaming stick, and directs his client to leave the gym. Eventually having to bribe him with a stack of mouth-watering business cards. He then turns to Adkins.

Redmond Fury: That was some very impressive teamwork, Greg. Perhaps our rematch can be more grounded in mutual respect.

Greg Adkins: I feel the same way.

Greg Adkins sucker punches Fury's injured arm, knocking him backwards into a sauna. Yanking the door shut, Adkins shoves a metal bar into the handle - effectively locking Fury in. Blissfully unaware of the raging inferno behind him, Greg turns the sauna's temperatures to the max. Clearly unaware that the rest of the gym is currently hotter.

Greg Adkins: I KNEW I'D MAKE YOU SWEAT! Try dropping a few hundred pounds of muscle, then talk to me about fair play!

Bonnie Jenkins: Damn it Greg, you have a match starting any minute! GET OVER TO CRUISERFEST NOW!

Greg Adkins: Keep MY belt safe until End of Days, Fury.

Greg turns to see the gym blazing, and then runs out towards the sound of Jenkins' disapproving voice.

Magnus: Ai Moe falls down from the ceiling, but lands on her feet, so its all good. Wait, the impact woke Bones up. Well, that’s no good.

Ai Moe barely has time to catch her breath, before she’s running away from the rampaging lizard. The second Dinosaur Bones stomps out into the sunlight; Lord Dominicus jumps on his back – looking to enter the Cruiserfest in style. Only Cruiserfest is to the left, and Ai Moe ran to the right.

Magnus: Lord Dominicus looking for his usual steed, but it appears Bones is directing all his hatred at Ai Moe. They have a past.

Unaware of the Lord, Bones charges right. Rather than get taken along for the ride, Lord Dominicus jumps off. Then seeing his steed disappear, kicks the dirt in disappointment.

Bonnie Jenkins: Not you too. Cruiserfest, now!

Lord Dominicus and Bonnie Jenkins both exit left. Leaving the gym to continue to burn, with Fury trapped inside of it.

Phillips: Should we do something?
Magnus: He’s very strong, that door won’t hold him.

Kanyon enters the gym.

Kanyon: Who’s ready for heavyweightfest!

Empty. Only the owner stands in the main area, weeping.

Gym’s Owner: I’m ruined. Ruined. Who is going to pay for this?

Kanyon: My administration is all about supporting small business.

Remembering his presidential library, and not wanting to pay for the damages, Kanyon runs away.

---

ONE TEN MINUTE INTERMISSION AND XHF END OF DAYS ADVERTISEMENT BLITZ FROM MONGO LATER!

---

Hawke: What ... what did we just watch?
Randy: I'm not drunk enough to tell you. *BRRRRAAAAAAAAAAP*
Hawke: Your BAC is currently .25.

Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for Cruiserfest 2021! This is an over the top rope battle royale. Any competitor who goes over the top rope with both feet touching the floor is eliminated. The last wrestler standing is your reigning XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion and will go to End of Days on Halloween to fight the winner of the bicycle race on Week Three - Road to End of Days sponsored by Competitive Automotive Racing! By the way there are still three slots left for challengers to join the bike race! Please direct your eyes to the stage where our competitors are now making their entrances!

Out of the back staggers The Florida Man to the tune Gimme Some Lovin' by The Spencer Davis Group. The masked gator - who almost walks like a man - chugs a 14% Four Loko before opening another one. With the swagger of a reptile who can't walk a straight line, Florida stumbles across the stage in sync with the music. He falls down the stairs and somehow rolls to his feet as if nothing happened. He runs around the floor seating, swerving heavily, high fiving fans who help direct his constant motion towards the ring.

Before entering the ring, Florida Man hands his partially drunken Four Loko to a random member of the audience. This week's lucky fan is a six-year-old girl.

Florida Man: HOLD MY BEER WOMAN! . . . I know how much is in there, don't even think about stealing a sip, I do not abide thievery and will mess you up.

The audience chants along with his catchphrase: HOLD. MY. BEER. WOMAN!

Hawke: Well this is pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable... Mongo may not like this.
Randy: I sense sensitivity training for this guy. Also I WANTED THAT FOUR LOKO!

Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first, from the primal instincts of Floridians everywhere, at 6'2" and weighing in tonight at 198 pounds ... uh ... Florida Man! ... I need to have a talk with Mongo about these new hires ...

"The Bear Song" by Green Jelly hits the speakers as the North American Double Crown Champion makes a glorious entrance onto the stage. He stands center stage and throws his arms out as th fans ... cheer? He Dominithinks as he steps down the steps and marches to the ring.

Bonnie Jenkins: Entering next, at 6 feet and weighing in at 180 pounds ... he is the reigning NPW North American Double Crown Champion ... THE REAL LORD DOMINICUS!

The lights go down, and then come up an angry red. Red lights and fog engulf the stage as the curtains stage left are violently thrown aside. Donzig walks from the back, wearing his skull mask with his hood up. He pauses, glaring out across the crowd before he shakes his head before walking down the steps and up the ramp slowly. He circles around the ring, still watching the crowd before pausing to watch the announce team before he climbs the stairs. He stops at the ropes, reaching up to shove his hood back before stepping through the ropes. Then he takes off the mask, and shakes his head at the fans with a scowl before he leans back in his corner. Arms resting on the ropes while waiting for the match to start.

Bonnie Jenkins: And next, from Pittsburgh, PA. Standing at 6 feet and weighing in tonight at 215 pounds ... he is the Conqueror Worm ... the Scourge ... the war that walks ... DONZIG

Hawke: Donzig has been terrorizing just about every fed on the network and he has a bone to pick with the champ tonight.
Randy: He looks just like the last guy. Are we sure they aren't twins?

"A Lapdance is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying" by The Bloodhound Gang plays as the crowd is visibly uncomfortable again. Greg Adkins steps through the curtains onto the stage. He holds a skull in his hand and steps forward to soliloquy. He stumbles drunkenly and tosses the skull over the edge. He shrugs and turns to walk to the steps and then falls sideways and lands on his face off the stage on the floor. The crowd lets loose an "OOF!" He pops to his feet and dusts himself off before grabbing the four loko from Florida Man from the six year old girl and then downs it with reckless abandon before rolling into the ring and holding the can in cheers to the now angry gator man.

Bonnie Jenkins: Entering next, at 6 feet 2 inches and weighing in at 165 pounds, 170 before we removed all the liquor from his body ... "GUTTERTRASH" GREG ADKINS!

This Time by Depswa blares over the speakers as Joe Nobody emerges onto the stage. He walks center stage and stops. The camera zooms into Nobody's face who smirks and adjusts his tie before making his way to the ring. He steps down the stairs and to one of the tables and stops before turning around to give a young fan his signature fedora. He then rolls into the ring.

Bonnie Jenkins: And next, from Detroit, Michigan. He stands 6 feet 1 inch and weighs in tonight at 185 pounds ... JOE NOBODY!

"Bagi-la-m Bargan" by BIRDZ ft. Fred Leone hits the speakers and the cameras begin to search through the crowd for Kid Koala. Once he's spotted, he is seen making his way through the crowd towards the ring with Possum in tow. Kid Koala leads Possum, holding her hand, without acknowledging the fans around them. Once at the crowd barrier, Kid Koala makes upside down "Westside" symbols with both hands, representing two "M"s before he drops down and slides into the ring. Possum climbs onto the apron and walks along to one turnbuckle, climbing up. Kid Koala climbs the nearest turnbuckle. They both make the upside down "Westside" M's to represent the Marsupials of Mayhem.

Bonnie Jenkins: Next up, representing the Marsupials of Mayhem, he stands in at 5 feet 9 inches tall and weighs in tonight at 166 pounds, KID KOALA!

Hawke: A newcomer to the XHF here, looking to make an impact in this cruiserfest tournament.
Randy: I like this guy. He looks fuzzy.

"Death of Me" by Red plays over the loudspeakers as the crowd stands at attention for the elected representative of Dick Kick City. Ian Dempsey steps onto the stage and throws his arms out to soak in the boos. He shakes his head and laughs as he walks down the steps and then slides into the now visibly crowding ring.

Bonnie Jenkins: Entering next, from anywhere but Blackpool, England ... he stands at six feet and one inch and weighs in tonight at 215 pounds, the mayor of ... *sigh* ... Dick Kick City ... "THE FRANCHISE" IAN DEMPSEY!

I can finally breathe again.

The distorted opening lyrics of 'Breathe Again' plays as the overhead lights dim, the sequence of notes following it triggering coral-colored lights to pulse in time... and when the guitars and drums combine to form an explosion of noise? Every light in the arena goes blinding white--and when it fades back to normal a few seconds later? Natalie Burrows is standing at the front of the stage, the crowd cheering for the Southern Belle as she looks out over the fans, a nod of acknowledgement given. Natalie makes her way down to the ring, slapping the hands of the fans here and there, but her focus is on the ring. Speeding up, the Southern Belle slides into the ring, rolling onto her back before kipping up to her feet. The nearest turnbuckle is mounted as she looks out over the crowd, raising her fists in the air to evoke more cheers. She lingers there for a few moments before hopping down, doing a couple stretches to prepare for the match at hand.

Bonnie Jenkins: And now, from Durham, North Carolina, she stands at 5 feet 9 inches and weighs in tonight at 165 pounds ... NATALIE BURROWS!

The beautiful piano keys of Ludovico Einaudi’s “Nightbook” begin to fill the arena. Calmly, the Thespian steps out from the back. He was well-adorned in a custom-made suit for wrestling… with both of his mask-decorated gloves covering his face. His head tilts from side to side before his hands slip from his skinsuit-hidden face… and he takes a slow bow to the audience. He continues on towards the ring with trance-like movements to the tempo of his entrance music.

Bonnie Jenkins: And entering next, appropriately billed from The Theater, he clocks in at 5 feet 9 inches and weights in tonight at 195 pounds, THE THESPIAN!

"Time Travel" by Daley hits the arena speakers as Ciela Luiz skips out onto the stage. She trots down the stairs and slides into the ring.

Bonnie Jenkins: Next, from the Near Future, which is legally distinct from ... THE FUTURE ... damn it Mongo making me clarify that ... she stands at five feet one inch and weighs in at a spritely 100 pounds, CIELA LUIZ!

The lights go down and blacklights come up, bathing the stage in purple. A hard, grungy bassline starts to play.

'Hey, turn the bass up. Turn the bass up!'

The base gets louder and grungier, and the lyrics come in as Vodka Fizz dives out on stage in a golf cart retrofitted with huge speakers that are playing his music. He is dressed in a full-length white fur coat, white shutter glasses, and an over-the-top white top hat, and as he drives the golf cart down the stairs, rattling like crazy, he toasts fans with a yard-long cocktail flask hung around his neck full of some florescent liquid he attempts to drink from as he drives down the stairs...

When he gets to ringside, he drapes the fur coat over the seat of the golf cart and removes the top hat, keeping the shades on. he climbs up on the apron, turning to face the crowd and chugging the remnants of his large drink, finally striking a pose and spraying a mouthful of whatever it is up into the air and letting it rain over him. He grins and winks at the camera, then rolls backwards over the ropes into the ring.

Bonnie Jenkins: Entering next, from Daytona Beach, Florida ... he stands at six feet three inches and weighs in tonight at the limit pushing 220 pounds, he is VODKA FIZZ

The arena goes dark, silence for a brief moment until the intro of "I Wear My Skin" by One Minute Silence begins to play. The drums kick in showing some flashing light. As the song continues to build up, the lights explode back on right at that magical moment.

"I WEAR MY SKIN LIKE IT'S NOT A PROBLEM
OR IS IT A PROBLEM FOR YOU?!"

Standing at center stage is Chris Sanderson with a hooded sweatshirt on, hood up, as he takes in the positive reaction from the crowd. The second generation talent takes a quick glance at the people on their feet before beginning his walk to the ring. Sanderson makes sure to slap hands to the tables closest to the ring, headbanging along with the song along with singing along.

"My past writes the page I walk on
Today writes the past for
I wage my war in the name of living
Or is it the killing you choose?"

Chris Sanderson reaches ringside and stops in front of the ring. He tosses his hood back and jumps up to the ring apron before hopping over the ropes. He makes his way to the closest turnbuckle, jumping up and continues to look out at the cheering fans. He hops down and uses the ropes to stretch out with. Chris unzips his jacket and tosses it off to ringside as the song begins to fade away.

Bonnie Jenkins: And now, from Miami, Florida and standing 5 feet 11 inches, he weighs in tonight at 208 pounds. He is ... CHRIS SANDERSON!

Hawke: The son of Reckless Jack and nephew of Spike Kane back in XHF to show what that pedigree brings to the junior heavyweight division.
Randy: Now that's not *BRRRAAAAAAAAAP* fair Joey! He has made it clear he wants nothing to do with his family. I can't imagine how I'd feel if Nell-dog disowned me! I mean he wouldn't. I'm delightful. *FFFFRRRRRAAAAAAAP*

The opening of the Big Sean’s “Wolves” hits the pa system and El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up there surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing the half painted face. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.

Bonnie Jenkins: Entering next, from Atlanta, Georgia and being accompanied by Wayne Tanner, Jr of New Money, he stands at 5'8" and 180 pounds. He is ... EL REY!

Hawke: Speaking of wrestlers with an odd family relationship. Here is a man who is the son of the XHF Legend Venom. And hates the man. Yet wants vengeance for his death.
Randy: Families, bro. I'd be more concerned about the backup. Though it seems the X*Crown champ is not going to be gracing us with his presence tonight.

The lights turn off for a moment. The dueling guitar riffs from Simple Plan guitarists Sébastien Lefebvre and Jeff Stinco from their song “Last One Standing”. With a solitary spotlight on the top of the ramp, Adrien Cochrane appears the moment Pierre Bouvier’s vocals begin to echo throughout the venue.

“How many times are you gonna try to shut me out?
I told you once, told you twice, I ain't going to turn back around
You can say whatever, try to mess with me
I don't care, I'm not scared
You don't have to say you're sorry, save your sympathy
With a friend like you, I don't need an enemy
I would give you time if you were worth it
But guess what, you're not worth it”

Bonnie Jenkins: Next up, from New Orleans, Louisiana, standing 6 feet tall and weighing in at 190 pounds, he is "The Dropkick King" ... ADRIEN COCHRANE!!

Cochrane looks at the fans from the stairs for a moment, giving a smile as he makes his way down the steps and to the ring, hitting as many high fives and fist bumps as he can on his way to his destination.

Hawke: This is the first of our former X*Crown Champions gracing the ring tonight.
Randy: The man who dethroned and then was dethroned by Dylan Black.

As Adrien leaps over the ropes to enter the squared circle and removes his black leather jacket to expose his #Believe shirt, he leans on the ropes with his fist in the air to the sound of the chorus.

“Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, I'm always going to be the last one standing
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, because I'm never going to give up trying
And now I'm ready to go, I'm here, I'm waiting for you
And I'm going be the last one standing”

The song gets abruptly interrupted as the mood shifts.

“A SPECIAL PLACE IN HEEEEEEEE-E-E-E-ELLLLLL!"

The lights flash green as the riffs to Reid Henry’s hit new single hits the PA system, uplifting and electric! The curtains between the wrestling word and gorilla open up and Dylan pushes his way through them! He pauses, posing for the crowd before strolling across the stage and down the stairs ever so casually.

Bonnie Jenkins: And making his way to the ring, from Boston, Massachusetts! Standing at 6'3" and weighing in at 218 pounds, he is “The Messiah of Mayhem,” DYLAN BLACK!

Dylan rolls under the bottom ropes and holds his hands up in the ring, creating a small lightning arc! He gestures in the boos from those in attendance and just gives off the biggest smirk before he slinks into his corner.

Hawke: And here is the longest reigning X*Crown Champion in XHF History. He is looking to add another global title reign to his impressive resume.
Randy: His cyborg parts should be banned!

The arena lights pulse red as BFG Division 2020 rips and tears through the speakers and Bloodied Fox makes his way out, the XHF Junior Heavyweight title around his waist and the Alepou Aegis shield on his right arm. The fans cheer for their home country champion as he walks down the stairs and slides into the ring, mounting the corner turnbuckles and unfastening the belt, raising it in salute in his left hand. He hands the shield off to the timekeeper and the belt to the referee.

Bonnie Jenkins: And finally ... he is the reigning, defending XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion. Hailing from Reading, Berkshire, England and standing at 5 feet and 9 inches tall. He weighs in tonight at 195 pounds. He is the Vulpine Scavenger ... BLOODIED FOX!

The referee holds the belt high in the air and the clustered fifteen wrestlers all murmur with anticipation. Fox stands in the center of the ring eyeing them all. The moment of anticipation is broken when a beer can smashes into the head of Joe Nobody. Everyone turns to see Florida Man standing outside the ring laughing and pointing at him. In the moment of distraction Donzig breaks from the pack and blasts Fox from behind with an axehandle smash and hurls him over the top rope to the floor. The referee admonishes the war that walks as the bell hasn't rung yet.

Hawke: What a pair of cheap shots!
Randy: Do what you have to to win Joey.

---

XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship
Cruiserfest Battle Royale
Bloodied Fox (c) vs Ian Dempsey vs. Dylan Black vs. Greg Adkins vs. Lord Dominicus vs. Natalie Burrows vs. Adrien Cochrane vs. Joe Nobody vs. Chris Sanderson vs. El Rey vs. Vodka Fizz vs. Ciela Luiz vs. Donzig vs. Florida Man vs. Thespian vs. Kid Koala vs. Dinosaur Bones

---

Donzig hauls ass through the ropes and pounces on a recovering Fox. He headbutts him then whips him into the ring apron. Fox retaliates with a flurry of kicks before Donzig hits a short arm clothesline. In the ring Adrien has taken interest in Fox’s plight. However he is nearly dumped over the top by Dylan. Adrien manages to wrap his arms on the top rope and fall back between the top and middle ropes. He climbs to his feet and he and Dylan begin to grapple. Florida Man and Greg Adkins are standing in a corner, avoiding conflict and trading stories over cans of beer they have somehow gotten into the ring. Chris Sanderson approaches them and tries to engage. The two drunks manage to drunkenly stumble and avoid any and all offense. Sanderson just looks frustrated and engages with Kid Koala in a test of strength leading to a trading of hip tosses.

Hawke: How are Adkins and Florida Man even expecting to compete if they’re that drunk.
Randy: Pfft, lightweights. *Downs a gallon of Mike’s Hard Lemonade*

Ciela Luiz attempts to convince Natalie Burrows to team up with her. Natalie looks around the ring and considers it. Vodka Fizz immediately beelines for El Rey. El Rey was busy sizing up Dylan and Adrien when he is assaulted with a flurry of chops by Voddy. El Rey attempts to fight back but months of background rage have built up and Fizz is not in a playful mood. Donzig begins to stomp a hole in the gut of the champion. Thespian finds his way to Joe Nobody. Nobody eyes him up quizzically. Suddenly he winces in pain!

Randy: DICK KICK CITY!

Thespian looks on in wonder as Ian Dempsey plants a kick between the legs of Nobody from behind. He then observes as Dempsey turns and punts Lord Dominicus in the dick.

Randy: DICK KICK … hey … THAT’S NOT NICE!

Dempsey turns to see Thespian also kicking Kid Koala in the dick. Dempsey looks confused. Adrien whips Dylan away from him … and into a kick to the dick by Dempsey. Dylan winces but stays standing … until Thespian also kicks him in the dick. Adrien begins to admonish them when Dempsey kicks HIM in the dick! Thespian then grabs Adkins and kicks him in the dick.

Adkins: Thank you sir may I have another?

Dempsey is now getting angry and kicks Adkins in the dick again. Adkins toasts him with the beer before Thespian kicks him again and finally Greg goes to the mat in pain, spraying beer everywhere. Burrows and Luiz are just … watching the mayhem, confused as to what they are watching. Finally The Franchise kicks Thespian in the dick and laughs. He turns ... and gets punched in the dick by Dominicus! Florida Man laughs as he approaches the dark lord of XHF … only to get punched in the dick.

Hawke: I … What the hell are we watching? Two fighters are just standing in confusion, there’s a heap of bodies all clutching their groins. And meanwhile Donzig and Fox are going insane on the outside.

Domincus laughs as he punches Dylan in the dick, then Adrien, then Sanderson. He finally stands and punches … at Ciela Luiz … who winces but then kicks him square in the teeth. Fizz and El Rey have tumbled to the outside through the middle rope and Fizz ends up on top with a choke hold on the young luchador. He is only stopped when Tanner Jr charges in and hits a big knee trembler, sending the self-proclaimed dumpsterfire to the ground hard. Tanner helps up El Rey and they begin mercilessly stomping and punching Fizz. Donzig and Fox are in a headbutt war. Both are bleeding from the forehead and neither seems to care. Fox grabs his shield from the timekeeper’s table and cracks it over Donzig’s head. Donzig stumbles, then hits the DONZIG STUNNER! Both men collapse to the floor, bloody and tired already.

Randy: EVENT HORIZON! Donzig just laid out the champ!
Hawke:The ref has no semblance of control here. THIS IS A BATTLE ROYALE! Where are the flying bod-

Joe Nobody grabs a hold of Ian Dempsey and shouts in his face about his nuts then unloads with a hard right hand. Dempsey stumbles to the ropes. Ciela Luiz leaps onto Nobody’s back and starts to choke him out with a headscissors. She really torques the thighs to strangle the life out of him. Chris Sanderson slides out of the ring and attacks Wayne Tanner. He then grabs El Rey and the two second generation stars begin to trade fancy looking kicks. An enzuigiri by El Rey puts Sanderson to his knees when Tanner comes in with a big boot to lay him low. Kid Koala leaps to his feet and grabs Dempsey and whips him off the ropes. He hits a hurricanrana on the return. Nobody manages to drop Luiz in front of him and catch a half nelson on the way. He flips her into a cutter! The dumps her over the ropes.

Randy: There’s the bodies. Joe Nobody with the ComboBreaker just scored the first elimination!

Bonnie Jenkins: Ciela Luiz has been eliminated!

Natalie Burrows charges in with a running shotgun dropkick to Nobody. Kid Koala is now working the arms of the franchise. He is stringing together some flipping arm breakers with some beautifully executed wrenches and finger manipulation. Dempsey is howling in pain and trying to escape. Dylan and Adrien are using each other to haul themselves to their feet. Dylan hits a headbutt to Adrien. Adrien responds with a dropsault, kicking Dylan and landing on Florida Man. As Adrien rises, Florida Man grabs his leg and pulls him down into a Death Roll!

Hawke: Holy Hell is Florida Man biting Adrien?
Randy:I don’t … *burp* think so? It’s like he’s wrestling a florida gator.

Dylan stomps on them both to break it up and then hits a deadlift gut wrench suplex on Florida Man. He turns back to Adrien who appears to rear back to kip up. Dylan charges to clothesline him as he stands, but Adrien, ever the inventive dropkick king actually launches his legs out instead of down and dropkicks Dylan right in the solar plexus from off the mat. As both men rise, they are greeted by El Rey with a springboard dropkick to both of them from the apron. Wayne Tanner rolls Voddy into the ring, as Fizz holds his neck in pain. The ref warns Tanner to stay out of it. As El Rey taunts the three downed men he is attacked by Kid Koala!

Randy: Whoa Koalas can kick?
Hawke: This one can. And he is really putting a hurting on El Rey here! The kicks are flying fast and furry-ous!
Randy: … … *drinks an entire liter of sake to deal with that quip.*

Koala flips him to the mat with a deep arm drag. Adrien kips up for real and the Marsupial of Mayhem hits him with one too. Dylan blasts the bear in the back with a shock from his cyborg hands. The unfamiliar new star collapses holding the scorched small of his back as Dylan laughs. Dylan grabs Adrien and whips him to the ropes. Adrien however slides under the ropes with a baseball slide dropkick to Donzig as he makes his way into the ring. Dylan looks frustrated but can’t follow as Natalie Burrows hits him with a Russian leg sweep. She keeps the hold and rolls them both to their feet and hits a reverse DDT clutch backbreaker. Ian Dempsey charges her and kicks her in the groin. She seems more pissed than hurt as she hits a leg trap suplex as he tries to repeat his kick. Dempsey stands and charges … right into a superkick by Joe Nobody! Joe grabs Dempsey by the back of his shirt and the scruff of his neck and charges him to the ropes. He sends him sailing! He crashes to the floor and rolls up to the table of a snooty fan wearing an “I heart Mongo” shirt … he sends the fan to Dick Kick City.

Bonnie Jenkins: Ian Dempsey has been eliminated!

Hawke: Well he certainly kicked off the match with a flourish but he is already sent packing.
Randy: I’m gonna *hic* ignore that terrible kick joke this time … but you need to step it up.

Florida Man and Greg Adkins have begun drunken boxing in a corner of the ring and nobody wants to interfere. They tumble back and forth. Lots of swings and misses, a few belches, and a lot of alcohol filled sweat flying. Donzig slowly climbs back to his feet. FOX TRAP SUPLEX! Bloodied Fox plants Donzig on his back hard. He turns and is greeted by Adrien, catching a breather on the outside. Fox smirks and nods at Adrien. Adrien nods back and the two grapple. They tangle back and forth coming dangerously close to a few of the fan tables. In the ring, Vodka Fizz is slowly coming to. Natalie Burrows has locked in an Indian Deathlock on El Rey as he shouts in pain. Voddy shrugs and decides to let it happen. He grabs hold of Dylan Black and pulls him to his feet. Dylan breaks the hands off of his shoulders and hits a haymaker. Fizz retaliates with a kick to the gut and a DDT to the Messiah of Mayhem. On the outside, Chris Sanderson has decided to even the playing field and is sending a flurry of offense to the interloper from New Money. Tanner clearly wasn’t expecting this and is doing little do defend himself. Natalie rises and comes face to … blank slate … with Thespian. The besuited man stares her down and the southern belle plans out her method of attack.

Randy: What an interesting fighter this Thespian is. He does masked fighters proud. *sips from a cup of tea*
Hawke: Where did you get that tea?
Randy: We’re in England …
Hawke: Oh of course, how could I-
Randy: So naturally it’s from Long Island.
*Beat*

Thespian ducks a kick attempt and comes off the ropes with a sling blade. El Rey slowly rises to his feet and Thespian takes him down with an STO. El Rey kips up … and reverse STO. Thespian brushes off his suit and turns to come face to face with an angry Donzig. The blank slate puts a hand to cover his right side of his face and lets out a pantomime laugh. Donzig takes this insult personally and wails on him with a flurry of forearm shivers. Thespian however turns the tables with a spear and as Donzig rises …

Hawke: Double Arm DDT! That’s one of Donzig’s favorite moves.

Thespian follows up with a pop up powerbomb (circa Donzig) on the charging Kid Koala. He hits a middle rope lionsault onto Kid Koala who rolls under the bottom rope to escape afterwards. Thespian stands and cracks his neck. Vodka Fizz catches him unaware from behind! Enzuigiri to the side of the head. El Rey grabs Voddy and spins him. He leaps for a dropkick but the rebound off the ropes lets Fizz crush El Rey with a crescent kick! Wayne Tanner is left lying on the floor as Sanderson climbs the apron. He ducks as El Rey is sent flying over the ropes by Fizz!

Randy: WHAT AN UPSET! El Rey is out!
Hawke: No. I think his insurance just paid off.

El Rey is standing on top of the body of Wayne Tanner. He leaps onto the apron, the middle rope, and then springboards off with a rolling cutter over the top rope. Sanderson gets guillotined by it on the top rope as El Rey lands in the ring with a thud. Sanderson falls off the apron to the floor.

Hawke: Now Sanderson is still in this, he never went over the top rope.

Adrien and Fox continue to trade hammerlocks, arm drags, and kicks on the outside. The fans are really cheering them on. Adrien finally gets the upper hand with a dropkick to the face. Fox stumbles towards the ring. Adrien charges him with a shotgun dropkick and Fox crashes into the ring steps. Fizz now approaches Natalie Burrows, Joe Nobody also with the same plan. As they approach the lights dim slightly as a pink spotlight illuminates Natalie. The southern belle is very confused.

Hmm Hmm Hmm Haha Ha oh how delightful.

Fizz recognizes this voice and immediately backs away with his hands up as if saying forget this! Nobody looks at him and shakes his head. He charges Natalie while she is distracted by the voice. The lights go out, a thud is heard and the ring shakes.

Oh no no, none of that!

The lights illuminate and Nobody is down on the mat face down, bleeding from his nose. Natalie just looks around in shock. There is no sign of the intruder.

Hawke: Uh … what … what was that?
Randy: Sounds like a Caffrey problem to me …

The lights return to normal and the laughter of the voice dies out. Burrows slowly pulls Nobody to his feet, looks around one more time for her tea time partner … then sends Nobody over the top rope with a release German Suplex.

Bonnie Jenkins: Joe Nobody has been eliminated!

Natalie just shakes her head … DONZIG STUNNER! Sanderson climbs into the ring and charges Donzig, who spins and hits the stunner on Sanderson as well! Vodka Fizz charges in and it’s the trifecta! Stunner to Fizz! Donzig stares at the three bodies and breathes heavily. He grabs Fizz and launches him over the top rope with gorilla press! However Voddy lands on the roof of his golf cart. Donzig seems not to care. He turns and is greeted with a spinning heel kick from Kid Koala! Thespian follows with a spinning heel kick of his own as Donzig tries to sit up. The war that walks slams his hands on the mat and rises to his feet in a rage. As he measures up his theatrical and furry foes he glances to the side and sees Fox sitting against the ring steps in the closest corner. He barrels into the corner, laying out the drunken boxing Adkins and Florida Man as he does. Kid Koala just holds up a hand with a “come on” expression and turns to tangle with Thespian. They trade kicks back and forth.

Randy: This match is insanity. Not much flying. *burp*
Hawke:Yes well any climb to the top can spell your doom in a match like this.

Dylan Black grabs Natalie Burrows and hauls her arms up. He calls for the Dynamic Outro, but is stopped by Adrien springboarding into the ring with a dropkick to the face. Dylan rolls through and to his feet and shouts at Adrien. The Cajun Sensation just shrugs and tries for an Adrien Cutter. He is stopped by Dylan holding the top rope sending him crashing to the mat. El Rey barrels in with a clothesline sending Dylan and himself over the top rope! Both men hang there, dangling. Donzig reaches through the ropes and grabs Fox by the hair. He pulls him to a standing position and his cracked in the nose by a Pele kick from the champion! Fox holds his back in pain as he stands up. Greg Adkins tries to pull himself and Florida Man to their feet. Florida Man however is laying there dead.

Adkins: We all know you’re playing possum.
Florida Man: Falling for what? I’m unconscious.
Adkins: You do this all the time.
Florida Man: You must be thinking of someone else.

Adkins shrugs and picks him up … and gets rolled into a small package. Florida Man counts three then celebrates! Adkins just glares at him.

Adkins: YOU CAN’T PIN ME HERE!

Florida Man confirms this to be true with the ref. Adkins picks him up and places him on the top turnbuckle in a seated position. Greg climbs up after him but Florida Man headbutts him. Adkins falls off to the mat. Dylan and El Rey manage to each skin the cat back into the ring. Thespian and Kid Koala come charging in to send them right back over the ropes! Dylan crashes to the apron and rolls into the ring. El Rey isn’t as lucky, but instead somehow ends up once again standing on Wayne Tanner. Natalie Chris Sanderson is to his feet and charges the corner. He grabs Greg Adkins and sends him to the ropes with an Irish Whip. As Adkins hits the ropes, Lord Dominicus springs from under the ring! He pulls the top rope down and Adkins drunkenly tumbles out of the ring and onto El Rey and Wayne Tanner. Greg laughs at Domincus and points to the bodies he landed on. The dark lord taunts him to come bring it. Adkins charges him … stepping on the floor as he does. LD laughs as he slides back into the ring and Adkins stands there asking where he’s going.

Bonnie Jenkins: Greg Adkins has been eliminated!

Adkins: I abandoned kicking Fury’s ass for this? … I need a drink.

Sanderson now leaps onto the middle rope and grabs Florida Man in a suplex position. Florida Man however breaks free and shouts about freedom in Chris’s face. He pulls out a Darwin Award and headbutts it into Chris’s face! Sanderson falls to the mat hard, holding his now bloody mouth and nose.

Florida Man: FLAWLESS VICTORY!

Florida Man falls off the top rope and out of the ring, unconscious, to the floor.

Bonnie Jenkins: Florida Man has been eliminated.

Randy: They’re starting to fall like dominoes in the wind, Hawke!
Hawke: … That … what? Anyway five competitors have been eliminated here.

Vodka Fizz is now staring at El Rey as Wayne Tanner has him on his shoulders. Tanner walks him to the ring. As El Rey climbs to the top rope, Vodka drops into his golf cart. He revs it up and rams the cart into Wayne Tanner, pinning him to the ring. He then dumps an entire cooler of beer on him. El Rey leaps off the top and into the golf cart! The two men begin brawling as the cart begins to drive around the ringside area! Natalie Burrows is to her feet in the center of the ring. Suddenly a spotlight glares right in her eyes. She shields her eyes but is blinded by the light.

FOOLISH MORTALS AND YOUR DESIRE FOR SPOTLIGHT! YOU SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON THE THREAT AHEAD OF YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The lights die again and Burrows is left in the ring, shaken, blinded, and worried. Adrien approaches her to comfort her but she is still blinded and lashes out. Rydeen Bomb to Adrien! The Cajun Sensation is out cold in the ring from the unexpected assault.

Hawke: HITTING BOTTOM! Burrows just KO’d the Original Guardian!
Randy: I think she did it on purpose! The evil got in her head!
Hawke: No I think she just … saw the light!
Randy: … *sips from a horn of mead*

Thespian approaches and catches Burrows with a running facebuster. Kid Koala barrels in from behind with a clothesline to the Thespian. He springs to the top rope, eyeing up the bodies on the mat. Thespian rolls to his feet and covers his face with both gloves and seems to go through every emotion in the manual. As he focuses on Kid Koala, Koala dives off the top rope and lands the double foot stomp onto Adrien!

Hawke: KOALA KRUSHER! Adrien may be done after that combo of moves.

Thespian eyes up Natalie. He also climbs the ropes. He looks to mimic the Koala Krusher! But Dylan Black comes from nowhere and springboards off the middle rope with the bicycle knee strike to Thespian on the ropes! Thespian tumbles over to the outside and lands on the floor in a heap! Dylan manages to land on the top turnbuckle with his robotic knee. He gives a smirk to the camera and climbs back into the ring.

Hawke: Disasterpiece from Dylan! The former X*Crown champ looking to make an impact here.

Bonnie Jenkins: Thespian has been eliminated!

Dylan turns around and gets a face full of Dominicrotch! Dominicus has leapt off the opposing corner, coast to coast, with a senton to the face, calling back to the Annihilation Complex. Natalie is now slowly coming to and realizes who she had laid out earlier. For his credit, Adrien is slowly trying to come to his senses. But his spine and his guts have been crushed in quick succession and the #believers are left to wonder if their guy can still go. The golf cart careers into the ring again and the engine gives out. Fizz and El Rey spill out of the cart onto the steel steps. El Rey tries to slam Voddy into the steps, but is blocked and Fizz falls backwards sending El Rey face first into the ring post. Fizz rolls into the ring. El Rey tries to gather himself on the outside. He lays on the steps holding his face, paint smeared all over the ring post. Fizz rolls right into the waiting arms of Lord Dominicus who hits the Darkness!

Randy: WOOO GO … um … Dark Lord of XHF … yeah.
Hawke: Fizz took the long way to get back into the ring after Donzig launched him and is greeted with that impact!

In the ring the fighters who can, all stand up. Donzig, Chris Sanderson, Natalie Burrows, Lord Dominicus, Kid Koala. They all eye one another. From out of nowhere comes the champion! Bloodied Fox into the fray with a BlooDDTed to Donzig! Fox mounts the ally of the void and begins raining punches down on him. This triggers a massive brawl between the other fighters. Koala and Burrows go at it as Sanderson and LD blister each other with chops. Burrows manages to avoid a roundhouse only to get a hurricanrana for her troubles. Sanderson puts down Dominicus after a failed nut punch. A huge exploder suplex. Fox has now transitioned into hurting Donzig. He has the Lament Configuration locked in! Donzig is laughing and screaming in equal measure as Fox simply sees red. Sanderson, not wanting to be outdone, locks in his own hangman’s clutch!

Hawke: The Lament Configuration on Donzig! And the Omega Finale on Lord Dominicus!
Randy: I think Chris and Fox are trying to one up each other.
Hawke: The difference is … Donzig is strangely enjoying himself.

The two men wrench back in their submissions. LD is furiously tapping out to no avail. Meanwhile Kid Koala is taking the fight to Burrows. He is unleashing a flurry of kicks that the Fireside star has no answer for. He darts in and out and keeps weaving and striking. Finally Natalie catches a kick and pulls him in for an exploder. But he fights out of it and hits a Death Valley Driver! Natalie rolls to a sitting position. Koala pulls her to her feet and pushes her to the ropes. He begins to try and lift her out. He struggles and gets her off the mat. He gets underneath her and uses his whole body to basically dump her! She manages to hold the top rope! As she dangles, he tries to bite her hands. As Nat is down to one hand on the ropes she gets her legs pulled onto the apron by a crawling Adrien. Adrien pushes to his feet and dropkicks the marsupial away from his friend. He gets to his feet and holds his gut in agony. He nods to Nat as she recovers on the apron. Out of nowhere … Adrien is lifted up and slammed to the mat hard.

Hawke: RAGNAROK! RAGNAROK! Dylan Black just annihilated Adrien Cochrane!
Randy: Good night and good bye Adrien.

Dylan laughs in Natalie’s face as he pulls up the deadweight of Adrien and drops him over the top rope to the floor.

Bonnie Jenkins: Adrien Cochrane has been eliminated.

Randy: Something tells me this isn’t the end of this feud between these two. *BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPP*

El Rey seizes the moment and springs to the top turnbuckle. Kid Koala hits Dylan with a roundhouse to the head. And El Rey leaps off the top with the 630 senton! Dylan rolls out of the ring in agony. Koala now grabs Chris Sanderson and pulls him off the submission on LD. He hits a flurry of kicks and then finishes with a side belly-to-belly. Fox breaks his own hold as he sees El Rey coming. The two men trade blows. El Rey gets the advantage with a poke to the eyes! He pulls in Fox and plants him with a DDT. El Rey looks to continue the beating when Vodka Fizz grabs him by the hair! He pulls him in and hits a reverse DDT. Sanderson is now crying out in pain as Kid Koala has him in the Koala Klutch! Sensing an opportunity, Lord Dominicus extracts his ounce of revenge by also locking in an ankle lock! Fox is slow to his feet. Donzig slowly rises behind him, face caked in blood, beard stained red, smile and sick look on his face. Fox turns. STUNNER! Natalie Burrows charges him and STUNNER! Dylan Black is slowly climbing to his feet. STUNNER!

Hawke: It’s a regular Stunner giveaway from the War that Walks!

Fizz now attacks with a few clubbing blows to the back. He tries for a tiger suplex but Donzig reverses it into the 25:17! El Rey now grabs Donzig and hits a few quick punches. He tries for the X’ed Out but Donzig again reverses it and hits a German suplex of his own. He roars with rage and malice. Donzig is laying waste to anything and everything! Donzig now sets his sights on the double submission. He grabs the mask of LD and begins to wrench it off. LD releases the hold and stands to avoid being revealed. Donzig hits a huge clothesline then kicks the back of Koala to break the hold. He steps on Chris as he goes past. He begins to shout in Koala’s face about being the ruler of NPW. He rears back a fist but can’t pull forward. A panting, angry, JHW champ has his arm and pulls him in with the ripcord superman palm strike!

Randy: BLOODY RAINMAKER! Donzig is down.

Fox grabs him by the beard and scowls as he drags Donzig away from the bodies strewn in the ring. He begins slamming his head on an exposed turnbuckle.

Hawke: When did that happen?
Randy: Oh El Rey undid it before when he was sitting on the stairs recovering. *burp*

Donzig is wearing a new mask now, a crimson one. And Fox is clearly done with him. He pulls the beaten and bloodied foe away and hooks him. FOX TRAP SUPLEX OVER THE TOP ROPE! Donzig crashes hard on his back outside the ring.

Bonnie Jenkins: Donzig has been eliminated.

Hawke: What brutality. I didn’t know Fox had it in him!
Randy: Everyone has it in them. Just gotta know when to let it loose. *FFFAAAAAAARRRRRRTTT!*
Hawke: … Now … was not … the right time to let that loose Randy.

Dominicus, Koala, and Fox are left standing in the ring. LD looks to Koala and tries to make a plea that they are masky bois and should work together. Koala smiles and nods. Fox prepares himself. And as soon as Koala moves forwards LD punches him in the dick then whips him at Fox who clotheslines Koala down. LD then charges in and hits a huge headscissor takedown on the champ! LD laughs. And turns right into a robotic hand to the throat. A quick shock later and Dylan Black has Dominicus limp in his clutch. He walks him to the ropes and lays on the top rope. He begins to try and push LD out. LD has his legs grapevine on the ropes. Dylan wails away on him. Natalie Burrows is to her feet and eyes up Fox. The two begin to grapple. Sanderson and Vodka Fizz begin to trade tired punches in the corner. Chris pulls Vodka into the turnbuckle face first. Fizz recoils and falls sitting into the corner where Chris begins a methodical series of face washes with his boot. Burrows manages to hit an arm drag to Fox. Dylan is finally sent away from LD as he gets poked in the eye. But Kid Koala springs to the top rope and hits a double foot stomp to the chest of the hanging LD. They land on the apron with Koala wrapping his arms on the ropes as LD falls to the floor holding his chest and spine in agony.

Randy: NOOOO!!! Sad times for the NPW Double Crown Champ.

Bonnie Jenkins: The REAL Lord Dominicus has been eliminated!

Dylan stumbles and then charges to eliminate Koala who is hanging on the apron. Kid Koala however ducks and pokes his upper body through the middle and top rope. He gets his head between Dylan’s legs and stands up sending Dylan careening over the top rope, down Koala’s own back, and to the floor!

Hawke: WHOA! Kid Koala just eliminated the longest reigning X*Crown champ in history!

Bonnie Jenkins: Dylan Black has been eliminated!

Koala steps through the ropes. The six remaining junior heavyweights all eye each other up. El Rey sprints across the ring to Vodka Fizz but gets caught with a head kick for his trouble. Fox and Burrows tangle up as Sanderson and Koala grapple. The marsupial and the son of Reckless Jack move along the ropes to a corner where Sanderson pins Koala and steps up to the middle rope raining down punches as the crowd counts. Fox hits a DDT on Natalie and holds the guillotine choke to try and burn her remaining energy. Fizz sets up for a Mind Eraser when Wayne Tanner leaps onto the apron! Fizz drops El Rey and turns and cold clocks Tanner. He rolls out of the ring and hits Tanner with the Mind Eraser instead!

Hawke: NEW MONEY IS DOWN!

El Rey comes flying through the ropes with a suicide dive! Fizz is down! The son of Venom grabs the party machine and rolls him into the ring. As he leaps onto the top rope, Chris Sanderson comes from the side and blindsides El Rey with a discus big boot!

Randy: DEAD SET! What a save for the crowd favorite!

El Rey crumples in a heap. Sanderson tries to eliminate him but El Rey holds the top rope and refuses to go over. Kid Koala leaps in and tries to help. Fox comes from behind and grabs Voddy. He whips him intot he corner and charges in with a clothesline. Fizz stumbles out and collapses to the mat. Fox turns to help eliminate El Rey. All three men manage to tip him over the ropes but El Rey manages to keep his arms locked and is now hanging upside down. Fox instead attempts to tip Koala over the ropes too! Koala manages to hold on as Sanderson turns and crushes Fox with a back elbow strike! The two begin to brawl as Chris tackles Fox in the center of the ring and they begin punching each other. Koala skins the cat, El Rey drops to the apron. Voddy is to his feet now and grabs Kid Koala! He hits a full nelson slam. Voddy drags Koala to the corner and sends him into the corner back first. He sits him on the top rope and tries to force him out. The marsupial refuses to fall, tying his feet on the turnbuckle. Voddy steps to the middle rope for leverage and then El Rey charges and dumps him over the top to the floor!

Bonnie Jenkins: Vodka Fizz has been eliminated!

Hawke: NO! New Money screws Fizz again! This feud may never end.
Randy: I’m sure Caffrey sees dollar signs in that.

El Rey laughs and points at him. Voddy leaps up and tries to pull El Rey over the ropes by his arm! The refs try to stop him but it is Wayne Tanner who grabs his foot and yanks him off the apron. Voddy turns as he lands on his feet and flattens Tanner with a clothesline before throwing his hands in the air and heading up the stairs and exits stage left.

Hawke:And we are down to five!

Natalie Burrows is to her feet and attempts to dump El Rey. He again holds on and dangles there. Sanderson comes from behind and catches her by surprise. He dumps her over the ropes! Now Natalie and El Rey are both hanging there. Sanderson sees an opportunity to get two eliminations and begins to pound on their hands. Kid Koala from behind with a step up enzuigiri sends Chris to the mat. El Rey begins to kick at Burrows! She kicks back. El Rey. Natalie. El Rey. Natalie. Bloodied Fox dives at the ropes hitting both of their hands! El Rey sees it at the last second and swings his legs onto the apron to land on his butt. Natalie isn’t as lucky and slides down to the floor feet first. She lands standing and slams the apron in frustration.

Bonnie Jenkins: Natalie Burrows is eliminated!

Randy: So close in the first global showcase for the Fireside fighter. *BURP*
Hawke: So … eloquent as always … Randy.

El Rey laughs in her face … right until Kid Koala baseball slides his butt right off the ring and into her arms. She laughs as he pleads with her to save him. He offers her money. She releases him and he holds himself up by hanging on her. She doesn’t take kindly to this and spins, slamming him into the ringpost. He quickly grabs it and spider-man’s himself onto the ring post! As El Rey scrambles to the top of the post, he climbs onto the turnbuckle … where Kid Koala greets him with a leaping Pele kick sending him tumbling to the floor!

Bonnie Jenkins: El Rey has been eliminated.

Hawke: What a showing for the youngest fighter in this Cruiserfest. He almost overcame the odds!
Randy: Almost only counts in beer pong and beanbags.
Hawke: What? No it doesn’t!

Chris Sanderson comes from behind Koala as he tries to come down from his perch on the ropes! He puts him in the fireman’s carry and drops him into a roundhouse kick! Hit by a Hurricane! Koala is out. Before Chris can eliminate him he is caught by Bloodied Fox with a step up enzuigiri. Fox pulls Sanderson to the ropes and tries to force him out. The larger Sanderson manages to keep himself in the ring however. Fox leans over the ropes to force him out and Sanderson hits a headbutt.

Hawke: None of these final three want to go out now! So close to glory!

Now Chris spins and gets Fox up. Fox is seated on the top rope wth his legs twisted around the middle rope to stay in. Sanderson can’t seem to get him out. They both land with the feet in the ring and begin trading punches. Fox with a headbutt! Chris with an elbow strike. From nowhere Kid Koala stumbles up and dumps them both over the top rope! A thud. Koala celebrates in the ring!

Randy: HOLY HELL DID HE JUST WIN THIS THING?
Hawke: He sent them both over the ropes! I don’t see any hands on the ropes!

Koala is shocked when Fox slides into the ring and clobbers him with a superman punch.

Bonnie Jenkins: Attention! Both fighters went over the top rope, but only Chris Sanderson landed on the floor.

Bonnie holds up the shield that Fox always brings to the ring.

Bonnie Jenkins: Fox landed on this. Therefore only Chris Sanderson is eliminated!

Hawke: WHAT AN AMAZING SAVE BY FOX! He kept his title reign alive!
Randy: How close was the marsupial of mayhem here though? What a showing.

Fox and Koala circle. They charge. Punches fly. Fists and feet collide in the middle of the ring. Koala hits an arm drag. Fox rolls through and hits a dropkick. Koala kips up and hits a roundhouse. Fox spins but stays up and hits a question mark kick! Koala stumbles. Fox seizes the opportunity and shoves him to the ropes then clotheslines him! Koala however lands on the apron and leaps up with a headscissors. He pulls Fox over the ropes!

Hawke: They landed on the apron!

Koala grunts in frustration, both men panting. Koala is to his feet first and Fox sits up on the apron. PENALTY KICK!

Randy: He caught it! Fox caught the kick!

Fox pulls the marsupial in and hits a blistering sitting spinebuster on the apron. He drags himself away from Koala. He tries to climb into the ring but KK grabs his foot and yanks. Fox collapses stomach first onto the middle rope. Koala pulls him back outside! He sets up the Destroyer! But Fox grabs the middle rope and Koala is left in mid air and tumbles down the back of Fox behind him. Fox spins on the spot. As Koala gets to his feet he is greeted by a hook of the arms. Fox angles and hits the Fox Trap Suplex off the apron! Fox keeps one foot on the apron as Koala hits the floor!

Bonnie Jenkins: Kid Koala has been eliminated! Therefore your winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion… BLOODIED FOX!

Randy: HE DID IT! FOX RETAINS! WHAT A HELL OF A SHOW!
Hawke: Truly making his mark in history with this reign! And let’s not sell short the performances of everyone in this match. Kid Koala made an instant impact.
Randy: Chris Sanderson and El Rey showing that family lineage and the skill they have!
Hawke: Impressive dominance from Dylan Black, resilience from Natalie Burrows, innovation from Thespian. We saw it all tonight folks. We’ll be back at End of Days where the winner of the bicycle race will fight Bloodied Fox on October 31! Make sure to let the people at CAR know if you want in that race to qualify. Until then? GOOD NIGHT XHF

“BFG Division” plays as Fox celebrates in the ring with his belt and his shield. He stands on the ropes and holds them high as we fade out.