.::The XHF Network Presents: FIGHT TO END OF DAYS!::.
Oct 10, 2021 19:32:44 GMT -5
Kira Izumi, Dylan, and 5 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Oct 10, 2021 19:32:44 GMT -5
The XHF Network Proudly Presents: FIGHT TO END OF DAYS
Date: October 10, 2021
Musselman Stadium, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
Attendance: 7500 (Masks required)
The site of the bloodiest battle (by casualties) in the American Civil War. It represented the final charge of the army of the Confederacy into Northern Territory and the defeat began the final fall of said separatist army.
Theme Song: Don't Back Down by Mammoth WVH
As the sounds of Don't Back Down by Mammoth WVH rock the arena speakers, we are treated to a flyover of the Gettysburg memorial and battle site. The drone footage is slow and somber and in greyscale. We see faded images overlapping the drone of history textbook images of the battles at Gettysburg. After a brief educational sermon and advertisement for the museum, we zoom over a block or two to Musselman Stadium. There we see the improvised Xtremetron and ramp setup on the football field. We zoom past the fans seated in the folding chairs on the field and over the bleacher seats. Finally we zoom in on the announce table sitting in the grass on the opposite side of the ring as the rampway. We see Randy "Drunk as a Skunk and Twice as Smelly" Angel and Joey "So Awesome He Wrote the Intro" Hawke sitting proudly at the announce table.
Hawke: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE QUARTERFINALS OF THE END OF DAYS TOURNAMENTS! We are here in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, a historic site where one of the turning point battles in the Civil War was fought. We have a stacked eight match card for you tonight, and since the singles tournament is in round two? It's time to get Xtreme!
Randy: We have last man standing, extreme rules, falls count anywhere, we got it all! But to open the show we have the first round of the tag team annihilator! Eight teams vying to get some tag points AND the 2v2 with the champion Bang Bros! at End of Days: Battlefield! Who are the teams? Glad you *beeeeeeeelch* asked! Joey, show them the brackets!
Hawke: Oh we have a match coming up that many are eager to see!
Angel: Just two teams with a lot of risky moves and impactful styles, it could be the match that steals the night.
Hawke: Easily! Let's take it down to Bonnie.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and is a 1st round match in the End of Days Tag Team Annihilator Tournament! Weighing in tonight at a combined 345 pounds, they were formerly in AWF, the REKOTA - Cross Recoba and Dakota Jennings!
The lights in the arena cut out as a static noise. The static changes to the muted bass notes and snare drum for Royal Blood’s Out of the Black. The video screen flashes in time with the beat from darkness to a golden background with the word ‘ReKota’ written in blood red. Dakota Jennings comes out as alternate red and gold pyros shoot from the stage. The screen now reads ‘THE FOX AND THE FIRECRACKER’. Dakota wears a smile as the crowd meet her with cheers. The red of her one shouldered chiffon dress matches the red on the screen. She motions to the entrance as Cross Recoba steps out, no such attire for him. He steps to her, Silver Lionhead cane in hand. He embraces her before twirling her away and uses the cane to unhook her dress revealing her ring attire. As the music settles down into the verse they walk arm in arm to the ring. The fans continue to be split between boos for Cross and cheers for Dakota as they reach ringside, Dakota hopping up on the ring apron as Cross rests his cane against the steps before climbing them. The two enter the ring.
"♬ 愛こそはね 目に見えない幻想
愛あるなら 全て曝け出して
愛してると 胸に刻み込んで
捧げる
never ever"
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponents this evening, weighing in at a combined weight of 269 pounds! They are the fierce connection of J-ROK, ladies and gentlemen I give you...SKY FORCE - Shizuku Yamamoto and Rin Kubo!
By the time they've been announced the two women roll under the bottom rope, climb up the furthest corner away together and stand back-to-back, on foot on the middle turnbuckle and the other on the top turnbuckle. Rin has her right fist out towards the crowd and her left on her right breast while Shizuku mirrors her.The two take to their corner as the referee checks all participants for any foreign objects.
Hawke: Rin Kubo and Shizuku Yamamoto bring that style of fighting that isn’t matched in the XHF anywhere!
Randy: And the looks, yow-eee!
Hawke: Apologies for my broadcast partner, he doesn’t go to the sexual harassment seminars.
Randy: I missed another one of those?
TAG TEAM ANNIHILATOR FIRST ROUND MATCH
One Fall Match
ReKota vs SKY Force
The bell sounds with Shizuku Yamamoto and Cross Recoba starting this off for their respective teams. Circling the ring opposite one another, Cross and Shizuku have a stare down, waiting on the other to make a move. Cross is first to step forward, hooking his lockup on tight. Shizuku takes two steps back before dipping low, squeaking behind Cross for a waist lock. Cross dips the hips, breaking the lock by controlling the wrist, right wrist lock wrenched not once, not twice, but three times and sending Shizuku to the mat face first!
Cross tries for a leg drop but Shizuku rolls out of the way. Spinning on her hip, Shizuku slaps a shin across the face of Cross and knocks him down to his back. Rolling to her feet, Shizuku flips senton style on Cross and rolls over, hooking the leg for a pin.
1..
2..
Kick Out by Cross! Cross gets picked off the mat and a suplex is attempted by Shizuku. Cross reverses and slips behind for a waist lock, but Shizuku spins around and instead gets a northern lights suplex into a bridge pin by Cross!
1..
2..
Shoulder up! Cross pulls the foot of Shizuku towards his team's corner as he tags in Dakota Jennings. Dakota leaps over the top rope and strikes with a well placed kick to the chest of Shizuku, before SKY Force double snap suplex Shizuku to the canvas.
Hawke: The teamwork is effective for SKY Force here, isolating the opposing team’s member.
Randy: snapping backs and drops from the Sky, they do it all!
Dakota Jennings with a headlock as the pace is slowed down. Shizuku fights out of it, throwing elbows to the waist and then bouncing off the ropes, leap frog from Dakota, another rebound by Shizuku Dakota hits the canvas and Shizuku senton splashes the back of Dakota! Shizuku wastes no time and rolls through to her corner, tagging in Rin Kubo. Rin Kubo comes in and smashes Dakota with an European uppercut that rocks her backwards. Double Irish whip and Dakota is sent the distance of the ring, Shizuku and Kubo flapjack her in the air, and Rin Kubo drops to her back with both knees exposed to make Dakota’s landing unpleasant!
Randy: oooh! She’ll feel that one in the morning.
Hawke: Taking knees to the gut and chest is never something you train for, is it Randy?
Randy: Don’t ask me, I’m just here for the happy hour prices.
Rin Kubo lifts Dakota and strikes her towards the ropes, before Rin runs back to the far ropes and comes sprinting towards her. Dakota backdrops Rin Kubo out of the ring and tags in Cross Recoba. Shizuku is checking on Rin on the outside when Cross and Dakota come through the ropes with a double suicide dive plancha! Dakota sends Shizuku into the guard rails, as Cross collides with Rin Kubo and both land on their sides on the floor. The four competitors spend a few moments on the floor as the referee begins the count.
1!
2!
3!
Cross begins to stir as does Dakota.
4!
5!
6!
Cross is up, Shizuku getting to her feet using the guardrail.
7!
8!
Cross Recoba slides into the ring!
9!
Shizuku pulls Cross out to save her partner from a count out! Shizuku cracks Cross in the midsection with a palm strike, sending Cross backwards into the corner post and next to the steel steps. Dakota Jennings in from behind, the ReKota team member blasting Shizuku in the back of the head with a forearm. Shizuku stumbles forward and Cross is quick to belly-to-belly release suplex Shizuku over the back into the steel steps! BLAHMM! Out of left field Rin Kubo with a dropkick to Dakota’s back, sends her face first into the steel post! Rin Kubo rolls into the ring as the referee’s count approaches six again. Cross follows suit as both team’s partners lay on the outside.
Hawke: What is Rin going for now?
Randy: I wouldn’t want to be Cross Recoba, not with that look in her eyes.
Rin Kubo strikes the legs with vicious accurate kicks, taking Cross Recoba to his knees. Kubo runs full steam into the ropes, coming back at Cross with a full head of steam. Running hurracarana! The impact is like a DDT as Cross’s head makes direct contact and he leans forward looking planted in the ring canvas. Cross is lifted up looking dazed out of his mind, as Kubo bringing him to the corner. Lifting Cross Recoba to the top rope in a sitting position. Kubo hooks the head, and is looking for the Shikei Hanketsu (muscle buster)! SUPERKICK! Dakota Jenning’s saves the match with a well timed DKO Mk I (superkick) to the face of Rin Kubo just as she turned around with Cross in her clutches! Cross rolls off the shoulder over her back and begins shaking the cobwebs loose as Dakota goes for the DKO Mk II!
Hawke: Two of Dakota’s trademark match ending moves!
Randy: Nobody saw that coming!? It was like, she came outta nowhere!
Hawke: (glares) Cross is up and Dakota takes out Shizuku on the apron with another DKO Mk I superkick!
UP ALL NIGHT IN DAKOTA! Cross hits the jumping spinning tombstone piledriver on Rin Kubo, folding the arms over for the cover.
1..
2..
3…
The bell sounds as the referee makes the signal to the timekeeper’s table and team ReKota seal the victory!
Bonnie Jenkins: Winners of this match via pin fall, and advancing in the End of Days Tag Team Annihilator, ReKota - Cross Recoba and Dakota Jennings!
Leaning on the ropes, Cross Recoba and Dakota Jennings have a slight moment of a hug before Cross raises Dakota's arm and the two get a warm ovation from the XHF crowd for their efforts tonight.
Hawke: What an amazing start for the tag tourney and Cross and Dakota don't seem to have lost a step!
Randy: As a reminder before our next match, last week we saw some epic matchups!
Hawke: That's right Randy. Anthony Caffrey defeated an XHF legend, Dylan Black beat his own severed leg and Johnny Sniper. Donzig took out NLW's favorite ham and egger, Adrien Cochrane survived the evil Esmeralda von Krauss, The Thespian won a hard fought battle with Sam Sawyer, Steve Awesome managed to get one over on his rival Reckless Jack, Redmond Fury saved the X*Crown from being shuttled away to that ... other place... and Vodka Fizz managed to defeat an eldritch abomination!
Randy: It's all here in this handy chart! Bracket! Image! Graphic! ............. what are you waiting for cut to-
Hawke: We got the first of our End of Days singles tournament matches coming up next! Eight talented wrestlers were eliminated last week, and now tonight we're going to eliminate four more!
Randy: The faceless Thespian takes on the face of the franchise Steve Awesome! A dream match if you ask me!
Hawke: A guy who never talks against a guy who never shuts up. A poetic pairing indeed. Let's give it to Bonnie for the introductions.
We fade to Bonnie.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL!
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Bonnie Jenkins: And is a 2nd Round match for the End of Days Tournament! Introducing first, from The Theater. He stands at 5 feet 9 inches tall and weighed in tonight at 195 pounds. Representing NLW, "THEO" THE THESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPIAAAAAAAAAAAN!
The ominous makings of Peter Gundry's "To Death We Dance" begins to echo throughout the arena. The Thespian, with his Interpreter, both walk out from the back in matching outfits, save for the gloves of which the Interpreter wears only black. Taking each other by the hand and hip, the duo begin to waltz their way towards the ring. The Interpreter climbs onto the ring apron first upon arrival and opens the ropes for the Thespian to slip in. The skinsuit-wearing wrestling stands in the middle of the ring, taking in the crowd for a moment before moving into his corner. The Interpreter, on the other hand, stays quietly at ringside.
Hawke: This young upstart has had a lot on his plate lately! Between wars with Lazarus Arjen in NLW over the Southern States title to his run in the Cruiserfest Battle Royale, he's been making a splash in the Network in just a few short months!
Randy: And don't forget his battle with fellow mute Sam Sawyer just last week! That's why he's here tonight!
Hawke: How could I forget? That could have very well been match of the year!
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent, from Detroit Michigan. He stands at 6 feet 2 inches tall and weighed in tonight at 238 pounds. Representing himself, the NPW Northern Openweight Champion! "The Face of The Franchise" STEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWESOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!
All the lights in the arena die out and the fans in attendance start chanting his name.
Crowd: AWE-SOME! AWE-SOME! AWE-SOME!
Dramatic Pause.
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.
"Lonely nights, and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her wont you tell her for me
It's better this way to avoid all the misery"
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Randy: Steve-O has been on a tear lately! From his continued appearances around the Network tormenting us all to conquering the world outside our bubble, he's had every chance in the world to break down forbidden doors!
Hawke: He's got a lot on his plate tonight with Thespian. Will the mute shut Awesome up for good or will Steve make Theo scream for mercy?
END OF DAYS SINGLES TOURNAMENT QUARTERFINAL MATCH
No DQ Match
Thespian vs Steve Awesome
DING DING! DING DING!
With the bell rung, Steve and Theo meet in the center of the ring, Steve jawing off on the newcomer, mocking and taunting the Thespian. Thespian's face is expressionless, it is a white skinsuit over his face after all, and Steve is really trying to bait him for a reaction. The only reaction he wrestles out of Theo is simply...
SLAP!
Hawke: Oof! Down goes Awesome!
Randy: Theo just dropped him like a stack of bricks!
Steve holds his cheek, making a face similar to the shocked Pikachu face! Thespian takes this stunning moment to leap upon the NPW Northern Openweight Champion and deliver a ground and pound to Steve! Thespian holds his right hand up to his face and pantomimes a laugh! He begins to slap Steve in the back of the head, taunting him while he does it! He lifts Steve to a kneeling position and runs the ropes once, twice, three times. He goes back and forth like 8 times before just stopping and crotch chopping at the Awesome One. Steve can't believe it and he stands up, pushing Theo back and arguing HE is the one who aggressively taunts and showboats, that's HIS gimmick! HE has perfected it and HE will be DAMNED if anyone takes his gimmick, brother! With every capitalized word, Steve shoves Theo again! Theo has enough and dropkicks Steve down low, taking him to the ground!
Hawke: That little glove trick Thespian pulled, means he'll be imitating some of Steve's mannerisms and moves. Funny to see Steve getting annoyed when someone acts like him.
Randy: Shows just how oblivious he is!
Theo kneels beside Steve and begins to drive his knees into the side of Awesome's skull. Each sickening crack makes Awesome twitch and convulse. The Thespian runs the ropes, stopping above Awesome before doing the Nature Boy strut and dropping an elbow, then signing "WOO" in ASL. He grabs Steve by those precious locks and lifts him up, but Steve swipes his arms away and pokes Theo right where his eye is!... should be! Theo holds over his eyes as Steve grabs him by the back of the skin suit and plants him with an X-Factor! OOF! Splat goes the mute! Theo is motionless on the mat as Steve goes to climb the ropes, he motions for the fans to get ready and he bounces a few times on the top rope. They are roaring and ready for some high-flying goodness! Steve crouches... and does a little hop before laying on the top rope and napping, to boos from the crowd!
Randy: Oh come on! Don't just blueball us like that you jerk! Commit to the shit!
After awaking from his refreshing nap, Steve jumps off to the floor and sees The Thespian still out on the mat. The ideas are flowing in Awesome's head. Steve begins to tune up the band, he's getting ready for something big... JAWBREAKER! NO! THESPIAN DUCKED OUT OF THE WAY! Steve turns around furious, nobody escapes his superkick. And he EATS A JAWBREAKER OF HIS OWN! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! Thespian turns to the camera and with probably a deadpan look on his face, signs something out to the hard cam before turning back to Steve?
Randy: What was that? Do you know what he signed, Hawke?
Hawke: No clue Randy, I don't read sign language myself. Let me try to get the Interpreter's attention.
Hawke flags down the Interpreter and asks what Thespian signed to the hard cam. They whisper something in Hawke's ear before walking away.
Hawke: Theo signed, and I quote: "Ha ha did you hear that thigh slap echo in this place? I bet Steve is dead."
Randy spits his drink out as we get back to the action. Thespian has Awesome locked up in a standing Cross Face Chicken Wing, he lifts him for the AWESOME-PLEX! AWESOME IS DOWN AND OUT! THEO MAKES THE COVER, HE'S GOING TO STEAL THIS WIN WITH A MOVE FROM STEVE'S BOOK!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Randy: Theo did it! Theo has beat Steve Awesome! Hot damn!
Hawke: Not so fast Randy, check out the ref! He got knocked out during the Awesome-Plex!
A replay indeed shows while Steve was lifted for his own finisher, he managed to flail his leg out and clock the ref right in the jaw! So nobody but the crowd counted the three! The match goes on!
Randy: DAMN!
Theo and The Interpreter communicate a moment through sign language, before Thespian holds his left hand up to his face and pantomimes a dejected sigh. This snaps something into him and Theo begins to work on Steve's arms and back, stomping between the shoulder blades and his arms! Steve rolls away to recuperate but Theo's hot on his tale. Steve lunges forward and tackles Theo to the ground, beating him down with every strike he can toss at the boy. But Theo's unrelenting, he tries to lock in a crossface chickenwing to wear out Steve but Steve headbutts him, he locks in EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE SUBMISSION MOVE! HE ROLLS OVER SO THE HOLD IS LOCKED IN TIGHT! THEO'S LOCKED IN THE RINGS OF SATURN WITH NOWHERE TO GO!
Hawke: Thespian's in a precarious situation! A tight submission with no clear escape in mind, will he get out?!
Randy: I hope so, I bet good money on this match!
Hawke: For it going which way?
Randy: If I say, it'll go the opposite way. Like a candle wish on a birthday cake.
Theo's silently taking this punishment, while frantically signing with one hand to the Interpreter. They nod and reach under the ring, grabbing a steel chair and chucking it at Steve! It hits him! Steve lets go and falls over, Theo getting up and grabbing the chair in hand. He begins to wallop Awesome with the chair, almost bending the damn thing over Steve's back! The cries and screams of Awesome are, well, awesome to those who can hear it. Bit of a "YOU DE-SERVE IT" chant ringing out! Theo tosses the chair away and holds his right hand up once more, pantomiming a laugh again! He drops an elbow on Steve before punching him a few times in the head!
Randy: Theo is just moments away from victory here! Let's go little duuuuuuude! Wrap 'er up!
Hawke: While anything can happen in wrestling, I do agree we are close to the finish!
Theo cracks his neck and stalks Steve, who backs up begging and pleading for mercy! Steve folds his hands and begs like he's never begged before and Theo gets closer, but then WAM! UPPERCUT TO THE GONADS OF THEO! STEVE HAS SOME BRASS KNUCKS FROM GOD KNOWS WHERE AND PLANTED THEM IN THE FAMILY JEWELS OF THE THESPIAN! THEO FOLDS OVER HOLDING HIS CROTCH AND WAM! WAM! WAM! THREE MORE UPPERCUTS, JUST FOR GOOD MEASURE! The crowd booing loudly, wets pots form by Theo's eyes as Steve now has him at his mercy. He shoves Theo back and JAWWWWWWWWWWWWBREAAAAAAAAKAHHHHHH! SUPERKICK HEARD ROUND THE WORLD! Steve drags the ref to the middle of the ring and makes a cover on Thespian, the ref counting the pin ever so slowly.
ONE!
Hawke: No, not like this! Not like this!
TWO!
Randy: Kick out Theo, kick out!
...
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke/Randy: DAMN!
"Full of Regret" begins to play again as Steve Awesome rolls off of Thespian's body. The crowd boo loudly as he smiles and cheers for himself.
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match via pinfall and advancing to the Semi-Finals of the End of Days Tournament, the NPW Northern Openweight Champion. The Face of the Franchise. STEVE AWESOME!
Randy: Thespian was royally screwed. Damn you Awesome, damn you to hell!
Hawke: Chill out Randy, we just have to hope that whoever wins between Adrien and Vodka can put him down next week.
Randy: I need another drink.
Randy throws his headset down and goes to acquire more booze as Steve continues to celebrate in the ring. The Interpreter helps Theo out of the ring and to the back.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is set for one fall….
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Bonnie Jenkins: ...and is a first-round match for the XHF Tag-Team Annihilator Tournament!
The crowd pops.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing our first team…
"Sixes and Sevens" by Annihilator plays as the tron shows spinning graphics which turn into The Dark Stars, Niko and Kono.
Hawke: This match, on paper, is an interesting blend of styles. The Dark Stars are known throughout Northern Pro Wrestling. Randy, you’ve been in a tag-team - how do you rate their chances in this tournament?
Randy: They’re dark horses on the betting line but we saw last year that anything can happen at End of Days...including me not having to wait around for my next beer!
They stalk to ringside while lasers shoot upwards with murderous and ominous expressions on their faces with their valet/wives Commandrix and Terminatrix.
Bonnie Jenkins: Weighing in at a combined four-hundred-and-thirty pounds, hailing from a galaxy far, far away….THE DARK STARS!
Niko holds the ropes open for Commandrix and Terminatrix while Kono climbs the top turnbuckle and both roar as Niko thrusts his futuristic style dagger upwards and Kono thrusts his futuristic style lance upwards before backflipping into the ring into a fighting crouch as all four pose Intimidatingly.
Hawke: It’ll be interesting to see if the accompanying members of each team come into play as the match progresses...
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponents…
The lights go down with a wail of sirens, and searchlights sweep over the crowd before focusing on the ramp as the music hits.
Bonnie Jenkins: From parts unknown and weighing in at a combined six-hundred-and-twenty pounds...
The pyros go off with an explosion of flames and sparks, and stomping side by side the KGB Death Squad emerges from the back. Behind them follows Sinclair Godfrey, who motions for them to head for the ring.
Hawke: Clearly, Donzig is focusing on his own match against Redmond Fury which is directly after this one.
Randy: You need to have nerves of steel to want to try and control these two...or Dutch courage!
They pause at the bottom of the ramp, glaring about before they storm the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: THE OBLIVION DEATH SQUAD!
Yelling as they pace around the inside of the ropes as they wait for their opponents.
TAG TEAM ANNIHILATOR FIRST ROUND MATCH
One Fall Match
Dark Stars vs
With all the competitors now inside the ring, their respective managers leave the ring at the insistence of the referee, Steve Tyrell.
Hawke: Steve Tyrell, of course, was a member of the now defunct Ascension Wrestling match official’s team. He’ll be hoping a good showing from himself in keeping the match under control might mean an opportunity to become a regular at these events.
The Dark Stars receive their instructions from him but rather dismissively wave him away, almost disinterested in a distinctly Earth-view of fairness and rules.
Randy: As interested in the rules as I am in taking twelve steps!
Hawke: One signature of their approach is that rules are only there to highlight the ways they can employ the dark arts.
In contrast, the referee gingerly approaches the Oblivion Death Squad and delivers their instructions louder and from a far safer distance. Neither man acknowledges the referee or listens.
Randy: That new refereeing gig isn’t looking hopeful, is it?
Hawke: The absolute potential for devastation that these two men bring to each match is almost horrifying!
Tyrell calls for the bell as this one gets underway.
Hawke: Let’s see whether the Japanese-influenced Dark Stars can pull off what would be an impressive win against the Oblivion Death Squad!
Kono starts in the ring with Moloch. The Dark Star approaches the bigger man and signals for a test of strength.
Randy: Now, THAT must be fueled by Dutch Courage!
Hawke: It’s a favored go-to for the Dark Star, could he overpower the taller and larger man? Eh...
Moloch smiles slightly before unleashing an uppercut to the jaw of Kono that sends him back a few steps. Kono abandons the test of strength and instead approaches his opponent and lands an open-hand slap on the chest of the Death Squad member to little effect.
Hawke: That slap echoed across the arena!
Randy: Keep moving, stick and move is what I’d be doing in their shoes!
In reply, Moloch elects for an overhand right before pushing the reeling Dark Star into the ropes and hitting A SPINNING WHEEL KICK!
Hawke: That kick takes Kono down! Randy, the winners of this bout face either the Crinkly Bottom Boys or The Bastards. In their shoes, who would you want to win?
Randy: I’d rather just not be British!
The crowd are taken aback by the agility from the big man.
Hawke: Moloch now looking to pick off his opponent...
Grabbing Kono, Moloch picks him up from the floor and SCREAMS at his opponent in fury. Setting him down, he holds onto the throat of Kono and headbutts him before whipping him into the corner.
Randy: You see, tag-team wrestling is all about ring-control. The Death Squad can control the squared circle and cut-off escape routes...
Moloch charges in….KONO MOVES!!
Hawke: Kono got out of there in the nick of time, now what can he do to start working his team into the match?
Taking advantage of the miscalculation, Kono unleashes a kick to the shoulder of his opponent and, before setting down his leg, he lands a headshot with a flick of his boot.
Randy: That’s some quick footwork, now he needs to pivot and keep Moloch moving! You cannot carry his weight in a match for too long before you start to realize that the oxygen to keep that body moving is slow to appear!
Kono takes a step back and tags in his opponent.
Hawke: Moloch remains focused on Kono...
Niko charges off the ropes whilst Kono distracts Moloch...A CHOP BLOCK FROM NIKO TAKES DOWN THE BIG MAN!
Randy: That’s what I was talking about!
Tyrell tries to intercede to even the numbers but Niko and Kono use a series of flipping sentons to keep down the Death Squad member. Finally, Steve gets Kono out of the ring…
Hawke: That flurry of offense could be the start of a victorious plan!
Randy: Does no-one listen to me? Am I the bore of the bar in this booth?
Hawke: ...
Using the distraction, Niko rakes a boot across the eyes of his opponent before locking a side-headlock on and getting some rapid rabbit punches into the face of Moloch.
The referee counts for him to stop:
ONE…
TWO…
THREE…
FOUR…
FI-
Hawke: Niko using the full five-count to land those outlawed strikes.
Randy: I’m not sure that ground-and-pound would be what I’d choose as my approach...
Niko stops with the flurry of strikes and raises Moloch back to his feet. He looks to lift up the behemoth, military style.
Hawke: Could the man from another galaxy have flown too close to the sun here?
Randy: Do you even listen to yourself?
Moloch gives no quarter as he drops Niko to the floor with a double ax-handle. He whips him into the Death Squad corner and tags in Momo.
Randy: This means deep, deep trouble for Niko...they have him in their own corner and Kono can do little to influence the match on the other side of the ring.
The less agile Death Squad member steps between the ropes and immediately launches himself backwards with an elbow to the jaw of Niko.
Hawke: Sickening blow from Momo!
Stumbling out from the turnbuckle, Niko is powerless to stop Momo from sending him over his head with a Kata Ha Jime Plex!!
Hawke: We’ve seen Momo use that suplex time and time again to put away opponents.
The impact sends Niko back to his feet only to find Moloch there waiting...URANAGE!!!
Hawke: VICIOUS DOUBLE-TEAM FROM THE DEATH SQUAD!!
Randy: His head’ll be all over the place like bar nuts at last call!
Moloch steps out to the apron after landing the exclamation point.
Hawke: Was that a smile from Moloch? He got all of that one!
Momo literally drags his opponent up by the hair and locks in a suplex attempt...HE NAILS IT!
Hawke: Niko’s back left the canvas as he landed but Momo isn’t finished!
Keeping hold of the move, he rolls Niko back to his feet and drives a knee into the solar plexus of the Dark Star...DOUBLE UNDERHOOK DRIVER! He covers…
Hawke: THIS COULD BE IT!!!
ONE…
TWO…
T-KICKOUT!!!
Randy: You know, Momo was literally a hook of a leg or a forearm on the chest away from getting that one!
Hawke: But Niko keeps his team’s chances alive!
The cameras capture the distaste Momo has for the insolence Niko had in kicking out. He shakes his head as he grabs the arm of the Dark Star and sends him to the ropes….BIG BOOT!!!
Randy: And Momo takes them away!
Hawke: Is he going to pin him or make an example?
Momo considers a pin attempt but he is interrupted by Kono who drops him to a knee with a basement dropkick.
Hawke: Kono with a make-or-break interference.
Randy: But now he’s angered Momo...
Turning round, we see Momo look inhuman in his fury. He starts to close in on Kono who is quickly backpedaling.
Hawke: The referee is keen to nip this in the bud.
Tyrell tries to get in the middle of the two but as he puts his hands up to stop the Death Squad member, Momo just keeps walking. Changing tact, he turns to try and get Kono out of the ring...NIKO USES THE DISTRACTION TO DROP HIS OPPONENT WITH A LOW BLOW!
Randy: Now THAT is good old fashioned survival tactics!
The crowd voice their distaste but Tyrell is oblivious.
Hawke: The referee had no chance in catching that low-blow. Kono played him like a cheap fiddle!
Making the most of his rule-breaking, Niko is now in full-mount and is unleashing hammerfists on Momo...Tyrell drops down to see if Momo remains conscious...MOMO GRABS NIKO BY THE THROAT!!!
Randy: This is going to go about as well for Niko as the time I tried to use gilders to pay for a drink in Munich...
Sitting up, while still having a vice-like grip on the Dark Star, Momo sinks his other hand into the jugular of his opponent and lifts him off the ground as he stands...DOUBLE-HANDED CHOKESLAM!!!
Hawke: Niko was a clear two-feet off the mat from the impact of that!!
Momo hammers his chest as he roars out to the arena.
Randy: He’s charging himself up...
Shoving his opponent into the corner, Moloch is tagged in. He immediately thrusts a kick into the midsection of Niko and then pulls him by the hair out from the corner...BUCKLE BOMB!!!!
Hawke: Sickening thud on that one as Niko could be concussed!
Clearly disorientated, Niko attempts to stagger out from the corner but MOMO SCOOPS HIM UP….POWERSLAM!!!
Randy: That’s it...
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!!!!
Tyrell signals for the bell as the Oblivion Death Squad staredown Kono who considers rushing them.
Bonnie Jenkins: THE WINNERS OF THIS MATCH...ADVANCING TO THE SECOND ROUND OF THE TAG-TEAM ANNIHILATOR TOURNAMENT….THE OBLIVION DEATH SQUAD!!!
Hawke: Kono wisely electing to keep his distance as his team exit the tournament. The Death Squad though can now watch the Crinkly Bottom Boys vs The Bastards with the knowledge that they’ve come out of the first-round unscathed and in great form!
Randy: Brit-Bashing, the greatest motivator to get something done quick!
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is an Extreme rules match scheduled for one fall and is a part of the End of Days tournament. Featuring first the challenger…”the Scourge” Donzig!
The light go down, and then come up an angry red. Flames explode from the eithr side of the ramp, jets and bursts of flame erupting into the air. Donzig walks from the back, wearing his skull mask with his hood up. He pauses, glaring out across the crowd before he shakes his head before walking down the ramp slowly. He circles around the ring, still watching the crowd before pausing to watch the announce team before he climbs the stairs. He stops at the ropes, reaching up to shove his hood back before stepping through the ropes. Then he takes off the mask, and shakes his head at the fans with a scowl before he leans back in his corner. Arms resting on the ropes while waiting for the match to start.
Hawke: Donzig is insane. There. I said it.
Randy: You act like this is a major revelation. Of course Donzig is insane. I mean he challenged the Door Greeter at Walmart to a match for looking at him for too long.
Hawke: He really did that?
Randy: As far as you know, yes.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent… from the great state of Ohio, he is the current XHF Phoenix Champion ... "the Buckeye Bruiser” Redmond Fury!
The melodic voices of En Vogue act as a siren's call, beckoning the audience to crowd around the aisle, before the mad lyrical flow of Salt-N-Pepa cue up the pyro. White sparks explode across the entrance curtain. "Whatta Man" pumps over the PA system, accompanying visuals over the tron featuring impossibly ripped muscles glistening with sweat. If it was any other wrestler, this theme song might seem conceited. Out of the back steps Redmond Fury to the delight of his fans. Moving with the tune, Fury slaps hands, signs autographs, busts moves, all while taking the time to flex for the camera.
Hawke: It seems that Redmond was blacklisted from local gyms.
Randy: I wonder why?
Hawke: Because of the wanton destruction his match caused at Cruiserfest. But because of that it seems that Redmond had to pick out some weird places to work out at.
Randy: I didn’t see him where I was working out. I don’t do gyms as I have a specialized work routine.
Hawke: Pray do tell.
Randy: I work out at the bar, lifting them pints.
Hawke: I should have known.
Randy: LIFTING THESE PINTS!
END OF DAYS SINGLES TOURNAMENT QUARTERFINAL MATCH
Extreme Rules Match
Donzig vs Redmond Fury
As the bell sounds to start the match, Redmond meets Donzig in the middle of the ring. Donzig grins, putting up a hand to challenge Redmond to a test of strength. Redmond looks at Donzig curiously. He looks to the crowd who cheer for they know who would win that test of strength. Redmond accepts with one hand and the two cautiously bring their other hand together to begin the test of strength.
Hawke: Why would Donzig even consider challenging Redmond to a test of strength? You would think that he would know better.
Randy: I think that he’s keeping Redmond’s eyes off of the aisle.
Hawke: What?
Randy: The entrance aisle, doofus, look at it!
Coming down the aisle with a wagon of destructive weapons is Sinclair Godfrey. Donzig goes down to one knee while trying to fend off the stronger Redmond, keeping Redmond’s back to the sight. A barbed wire baseball bat is slid into the ring. Donzig goes right down to both knees. He looks pleadingly at Redmond.
Donzig: Oh mighty warrior, you have bested me in the test of strength. Will you not release me as to use a different tactic to defeat me by?
Redmond releases the test of strength, reaching down with one muscle bound arm down to help Donzig up. However, Donzig grabs the baseball bat and takes a hard swing at him with it. Redmond jumps back, taking only a grazing blow as the barbed wire tears skin and sends droplets of blood through the air. Donzig swings again, but Redmond catches him by the wrist. He smashes a bicep into the man to hit him hard enough to drop the bat. He smashes Donzig with another bicep bash that sends Donzig into the ropes. On the rebound, Redmond hits a spinning bicep bash that brings Donzig to the mat!
Hawke: Those biceps are as big as your head.
Randy: They’re not as big as my head. Wanna see?
Hawke: Keep your pants on!
Randy: Well, I mean. We’d have to put them side by side to make sure, but I’m thinking that yeah. His bicep is a little bit bigger than what I’m working with.
Redmond picks up the barbed wire baseball bat and seems to regard it like he may want to use it. However, he places it in the hollow of his elbow and flexes his biceps to crush the aluminum baseball bat like a tin can so that it folds neatly in half. However, Sinclair slips in a pipe and a lighter? Wait, that pipe is capped on one end and has a wick on the other? Is it a pipe bomb? Is Donzig going to blow everything up?
Hawke: What the heck?
Randy: This match might have an explosive moment?
Redmond turns around as Donzig picks up the pipe and lighter. He lights the other hand and points the open end at Redmond. It’s a homemade Roman candle! Sparkling exploding balls shoot out Redmond, scorching the muscular man in the face, arms, and chest!
Hawke: How is this legal?
Randy: It isn’t legal when there’s a match with rules.
Donzig hurls the pipe once it stops firing, hitting the blinded Redmond in the head. The pipe bounces off of the mat where it rolls to a stop. Redmond spouts blood like he were a chocolate fountain and falls onto his back. Donzig goes for the pinfall!
One
Two
Th-Redmond kicks out!
Donzig gets up like he wasn’t upset or anything and walks over to the pipe. He picks it up as Redmond starts to get up, casually cracking the bodybuilder in the mouth for a spray of blood and spittle to go flying through the air. Donzig blinks as it splatters him. He watches with a grin as Redmond falls onto his face. He rolls Redmond over and goes for the pinfall.
One
Two
Thr-Redmond kicks out!
Randy: How did Fury kick out of that!?
Hawke: I’m not sure, that was a gruesome shot to the face.
Donzig jumps up, looking a little upset as he grabs the pipe and spins around to slam Redmond again when his face is palmed and the pipe is grabbed from his hands. Redmond drops the weapon, choosing instead of grapple Donzig in a bear hug. He cinches the move in tight and begins raining headbutts onto Donzig’s face until both of them are thoroughly bloody though it's hard to tell at this point who is bleeding on who. Redmond finishes the series of moves off with a belly to belly spiked overhead suplex.
Hawke: Donzig’s head bounced off the mat that time. You think it brought some of his sanity back?
Randy: I don’t know that it can be brought back.
With Donzig laid out on the mat, Redmond goes for the cover.
One
Two
Th-Donzig kicks out!
Redmond nods to the ref and gets out of the way so Donzig can get back up. Once he is, Fury lifts him up into a gorilla press and tosses him outside! Fury smiles to the fans and gives them a quick flex before rolling out of the ring. Once he’s out there a fan throws a medicine ball of all things to him! AND HE THROWS IT BACK!
Randy: MEDICINE BALL FROM REDMOND FURY!
Hawke: Why would a fan even bring that?
Randy: Presumably to get Fury to perform one of his signature moves for the fans
However, all this enjoyment has given Sinclair the opportunity to pass something off to Donzig under the guise of checking on him. Since he has yet to recover, Redmond makes his way over to his downed opponent to help him up and back in the ring. But instead of Donzig’s hand he gets-
Randy: POCKET SAND! Or maybe salt…
Hawke: Does it matter?
Randy: I’ll go check with Sinclair
Fury struggles to clear his eyes as Donzig lands a swift kick to the back of Redmond’s knee. At first it doesn’t do anything because Fury is literally made of muscles, but a second shot with a little more authority does the trick and the Buckeye Bruiser is down on one knee. Quickly Donzig grabs the medicine ball still in the fan’s hands and brings it down on Fury!
Hawke: And it looks like Redmond is getting some of his own medicine…ball!
He lifts the weighted ball again but as it comes down this time a massive ripped arm stops it! Steel-like tendons grip the ball as Ohio’s Strongest Son glares through the dust in his eyes and he lifts! One! Two! Three! It looks like the alternative workouts he’s had to do are paying off because everyone is being treated to Redmond Fury doing one armed reps of a medicine ball weighted with a very confused but unwilling to give up Donzig!
Hawke: Well this has taken an odd turn
Randy: It was salt
Hawke: Did…did you bring some with you?
Randy: You’ll thank me later.
Donzig quickly grows frustrated with being a set piece and releases the ball into Fury’s custody. Redmond then hands it back to the fan…
Randy: MEDICINE BALL...AGAIN!
…He then quickly turns around and grabs Donzig, rolling him into the ring! The massive frame of Fury then follows after him, but Donzig lets loose with a series of kicks before the big man can get his bearings. He then quickly runs to the ropes and jumps off with a middle-rope lionsault!
Hawke: What athleticism from Donzig!
Randy: I’m surprised he’s able to do that with all the blood they’ve lost
Now feeling more confident, Donzig pulls up the dazed Akron native and says something blasphemous about Ohio before throwing Redmond to the ropes…or tried to do that anyway. 275lbs of pure Midwestern beef however refuses to move and reverses the move. Donzig comes back into a BIG armdrag that leaves him flat on the mat. Redmond goes for the cover…
One
Two
Thr-KICKOUT!
Randy: Close call, but not quite!
Fury backs up a little to give Donzig room as Sinclair yells from outside for her client to get his act together. Donzig…doesn’t get up though. Redmond moves in only to get pulled into a chinbreaker as Donzig pulls Fury’s face into his chromed-dome! Redmond stumbles back as Donzig rubs his head, wondering if he got the worst of that move. HE DID! Upon approach Fury blasts him with his MASSIVE FOREARM!
Hawke: THE BICEP SMASH! THIS COULD BE IT!
Fury goes for the pin again only to find out that Sinclair has distracted the ref by getting on the ring apron. Redmond sighs as he pulls Donzig up into a front face lock. He starts the move for the swinging neck breaker, but Donzig stands up while lifting Redmond into the air. He brings Redmond back down with a spine buster. He stands off to the side at a hunch while waiting for Redmond to stand up. He hits a stunner!
Hawke: The Donzig Stunner! This could be it!
Randy: I would certainly hope so. There’s only so much blood in the human body and I think Redmond’s lost about half.
Donzig goes for the cover on Redmond, hooking the leg.
One
Two
Three!
Bonnie Jenkins: Winner of the match and going on to the third round of the End of Days tournament…Donzig!
Hawke: I really thought that after Redmond managed to get by Rob Riot that he was going to go all the way in this.
Randy: You thought wrong, brotha. You thought wrong. Now, do a shot!
Hawke: Fine. What are we drinking?
Randy: Tequila, of course! That’s what the salt was for!
Hawke: This next match has fans divided. Two favorites in their respective spaces, two very unique and quite opposite styles when it comes to tag teams.
Randy: You can call them weirdos, it’s politically correct Joey. Don’t forget though, one of the four men is completely oblivious and takes orders from his partner.
Hawke: That doesn’t narrow it down Randy!
Randy: Whatever… I want them all to knock each other out of this tournament. Let’s see a double draw!
A camera cut shows Bonnie Jenkins in the ring as the Musselman Stadium audience in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania turns their attention to the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is scheduled for ONE FALL, and is for the XHF END OF DAYS TAG TEAM ANNIHILATOR TOURNAMENT! Introducing first, representing Next Level Wrestling! They hail from an undisclosed location in the UK, weighing in at a weight we were not told… They are THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS, NOEL EDMONDS and MR. BLOBBY!
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the arena until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue. Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like Rick Steiner was smashed together with a blancmange. As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Edmonds: All you are is energy, remember that!
Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's handing out his hotel room number to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event! Edmonds looks behind to see his partner not focusing on the match and grabs an ear guard to pull him down the aisle to the ring. He points towards the ring and watches as Blobby looks to roll under the ropes but finds he is simply too large to fit. The Pink and Yellow Peril realises his mistake and stands up and shakes his head before leapfrogging the top rope. Edmonds rolls under the bottom rope and rips off his trackies and Dad shirt to reveal a wrestling singlet that is patterned with boxes from Deal or No Deal. They head to their corner as they await the bell.
Hawke: Noel Edmonds and Mr. Blobby are going to be that wildcard I think here tonight.
Randy: Huh? Wildcard? I think you’re on something Hawke, and what did I say about sharing!
Hawke: They bring a completely different game plan to what is a rather predictable team format. Noel is the one guiding his partner, but besides that, Mr. Blobby isn’t fully aware of his full strength. This is a dangerous combo that could lead to success if they operate cohesively.
Randy: Or failure. I’m a glass half empty guy, so fill me up!
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing the opponents, hailing from Bradford, Yorkshire, England! Weighing in tonight at a combined weight of 565 pounds, they are known as The Bastards... FRANK WINDSOR and BILLY FOWLER!
Beep. BEEP. CLICK. BEEP BEEP. CLICK.
The electronic pulsing introduction to Mansun's "Take it Easy, Chicken" pipes into the arena, shortly followed by the scream of the opening guitar riff. “It's Bastard's time” Before red, white, and blue lights pick out the entrance way as the crowd stands up, waiting to catch a glimpse of the Englishmen. Some of them cheer, some of them boo, but all of them react. Curtains part as a battered old Ford Cortina messily careers its way out into the arena. Coming to an awkward stop at the top of the ramp does the former Galactic Sex Pirates. After a moment the Bastards step out of the back, taking a second to mug for the crowd. Frank Windsor and Billy Fowler appear before the XHF audience in full gear, ready for tonight’s End of days Tag Team Annihilator match. Satisfied that everybody's got the photo they wanted, they nod to each other and then charge the ring, sliding in through the bottom rope. Their opponents from NLW clear the ring as the music plays and the Bastards take to different turnbuckles, soaking in the crowd’s reaction.
Hawke: Rambunctious and unpredictable. The Pirate members have no desire to have a technical wrestling match, I assure you.
Randy: Technical? I doubt Fowler can spell that.
Hawke: The Crinkly Bottom Boys have entered the ring again as the referee finds some order here.
TAG TEAM ANNIHILATOR FIRST ROUND MATCH
One Fall Match
The bell sounds and it’s Noel Edmonds and Frank Windsor starting it off from their respective teams. The fans cheer both sides in a divided audience back and forth as Edmonds and Windsor meet in the center for a lock up. Windsor gets the early strength advantage, pushing Edmonds backwards to the ropes. The referee asks for the break with Edmonds on the ropes and Windsor obliges, but quickly chops him across the chest after breaking the grapple. Windsor grabs the forearm and irish whips Edmonds across the ring, bouncing off the ropes, Edmonds rebounds into a waiting Frank Windsor -- DUCK! Edmonds narrowly misses the haymaker clothesline and hits the ropes behind Frank. DROPKICK! Edmonds lands a picture perfect dropkick to the face of Windsor, and the Bastard’s member leaves his feet!
Hawke: We have a fight on our hands now!
Randy: Theres always a fight going on in the XHF Joey, that’s not news!
Hawke: Whether its in the ring or backstage, the heat of competition in the XHF is always boiling new challengers. Tonight, NLW’s very own Crinkly Bottom Boys could be making national news. If they can put down a fearsome duo like the Bastards, it’s a hell of a statement.
Randy: On any given sunday Joe, any given sunday. Never say never in this world, that’s what I tell the ra--raging fans that tweet me! (burp)
Windsor back to his feet, Edmonds goes for a leg trip as he uses the ropes and Windsor with a giant elbow stroke sends him spinning 360 degrees onto his face! The Bastards not letting up as Windsor forcefully throws Edmonds into his teams corner and tags in Billy Fowler. The arms held up as Fowler puts the boots to Edmonds midsection in the corner. Windsor returns to the apron, as Fowler follows up with giant shoulder thrusts to Edmonds. Promptly when finished, Fowler hip tosses Edmonds to the canvas. Never letting go of the arm, Fowler wrenches the elbow and applies a armbar hold. He controls the pace, keeping Edmonds grounded for a moment.
Hawke: The Bastards with quick tags and keeping the Crinkly Bottom Boys separate.
Randy: Fowler and Windsor with a clear size advantage on them.
Hawke: Edmonds needs to make a tag.
Fowler sends Edmonds for an Irish whip, stops midway to reverse direction and Edmonds slides between the legs. Slingshotting himself off the middle rope and double elbow attack to the face of Fowler! Fowler teeters backwards, rocking on his heels, as Edmonds springboards again! Windsor with the grabbing of the rope and Edmonds stumbles! Fowler grabs him up, GERMAN SUPLEX! Into the pin!
1..
2..
Shoulder up by Edmonds! Fowler returns to his feet and grabs hold of the neck of Edmonds. Looking for a back body drop, Fower lifts him into the air, Edmonds flips backwards and lands on his feet - stumbling backwards into his corner to tag in Mr Blobby!
Randy: Mr. Blobby!
Hawke: Fowler has no clue.
Mr. Blobby slams into Fowler with an avalanche and Fowler flings into the ropes rebounding to Mr. Blobby who takes commands from Edmonds on the apron. Mr. Blobbery military presses the Bastard into the air, sending him up and down like a pancake as Fowler crashes chest and mug first on the mat. Edmonds orders a powerbomb and Mr. Blobby obliges, setting Fowler up and slamming him hard on his back with a monstrous powerbomb.
Hawke: Edmonds has the Blobby doing his work, and it’s surprisingly effective.
Randy: That’s Mr. Blobby to you.
Hawke: oh I didn’t know you were on good terms.
Randy: I wasn’t until this bottle of scotch appeared marked The Crinkly Bottom Boys. (Bottle opening noise)
Edmonds yells for a power slam and Mr. Blobby sends Fowler into the ropes, Windsor tagging his shoulder as Fowler takes a hard powerslam! Windsor comes in off the top rope and shoulder tackles Mr. Blobby!
Hawke: Windsor showing that veteran tagging method, and taking advantage of Mr. Blobby’s unawareness.
Randy: The Bastards are setting him up for what—?
Fowler lifts Mr. Blobby up and Windsor comes off the top rope again with a clothesline from the backwoods of the UK! Like a cat meeting it’s prey mid-air, Mr. Blobby turns the clothesline into a belly to back suplex! Windsor is slammed on the canvas as Mr. Blobby hooks the leg! Noel Edmonds comes off the top rope with a missile dropkick to the back of Fowler, sending him through the ropes to the outside.
1..
2…
3…
Ding! Ding! Ding! The bell sounds and the Crinkly Bottom Boys get their hands raised for the win. Their music hits through the arena as Mr. Blobby and Noel Edmonds celebrate the victory.
Bonnie Jenkins: Winners of this match and advancing in the End of Days Tag Team Annihilator, The Crinkly Bottom Boys!
Randy: I honestly didn't think that was going to actually happen
Hawke: Well it did and here we are
Randy: I mean, wow, right?
The lights go down and blacklights come up, bathing the stage in purple. A hard, grungy bassline starts to play.
'Hey, turn the bass up. Turn the bass up!'
The base gets louder and grungier, and the lyrics come in as Vodka Fizz dives out on stage in a golf cart retrofitted with huge speakers that are playing his music. He is dressed in a full-length white fur coat, white shutter glasses, and an over-the-top white top hat, and as he drives the golf cart down the ramp he toasts fans with a yard-long cocktail flask hung around his neck full of some florescent liquid he drinks from as he drives down the ramp..
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is the Falls Count Anywhere End of Days Quarterfinals match! Introducing first, Daytona Beach, Florida, weighing in at two hundred twenty pounds, he is the Fireside SPARK Champion… VODKA FIZZ!!
When he gets to ringside, he drapes the fur coat over the seat of the golf cart and removes the top hat, keeping the shades on. he climbs up on the apron, turning to face the crowd and chugging the remnants of his large drink, finally striking a pose and spraying a mouthful of whatever it is up into the air and letting it rain over him. He grins and winks at the camera, then rolls backwards over the ropes into the ring.
Randy: Ah yes!! One of my favorite wrestlers!
Hawke: Is it because his name is Vodka?
Randy: It is ABSOLUTELY because his name is Vodka!!
The lights turn off for a moment. The dueling guitar riffs from Simple Plan guitarists Sébastien Lefebvre and Jeff Stinco from their song “Last One Standing” as the screen reads “#Believe” in a light blue font. With a solitary spotlight on the top of the ramp, Adrien Cochrane appears the moment Pierre Bouvier’s vocals begin to echo throughout the venue.
“How many times are you gonna try to shut me out?
I told you once, told you twice, I ain't going to turn back around
You can say whatever, try to mess with me
I don't care, I'm not scared
You don't have to say you're sorry, save your sympathy
With a friend like you, I don't need an enemy
I would give you time if you were worth it
But guess what, you're not worth it”
I told you once, told you twice, I ain't going to turn back around
You can say whatever, try to mess with me
I don't care, I'm not scared
You don't have to say you're sorry, save your sympathy
With a friend like you, I don't need an enemy
I would give you time if you were worth it
But guess what, you're not worth it”
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent, from New Orleans, Louisiana, weighing in at one hundred ninety pounds, he is "The Dropkick King" ... ADRIEN COCHRANE!!
Cochrane looks at the fans from the ramp for a moment, giving a smile as he makes his way down the ramp and to the ring, hitting as many high fives and fist bumps as he can on his way to his destination.
Hawke: Well, sorry to say that Adrien’s name isn’t an alcoholic beverage.
Randy: Meh, his initials are for a drink’s alcohol content.
Hawke: Well, these two are ready to go following their first round victories. Vodka Fizz is coming off a win over H.R. Car-Wolf, and Adrien Cochrane defeated Esmeralda von Krauss.
Randy: And only one can proceed from here!
As Adrien leaps over the ropes to enter the squared circle and removes his black leather jacket to expose his #Believe shirt, he leans on the ropes with his fist in the air to the sound of the chorus.
END OF DAYS SINGLES TOURNAMENT QUARTERFINAL MATCH
Falls Count Anywhere Match
Adrien Cochrane vs Vodka Fizz
DING DING DING
The two men lock eyes for a moment as Adrien Cochrane gives Vodka Fizz a respectful nod of the head. Vodka gives Adrien a glance that acknowledges it. As soon as the moment of respect was over, the two men went straight to business. The larger Vodka Fizz gives a non-verbal challenge to test of strength. Adrien, despite being a speed-based wrestler, accepts the challenge.
Hawke: Not the wisest move in the world for Adrien Cochrane to try to take on the stronger Vodka Fizz.
Randy: I mean, this is Cochrane. He isn’t exactly the kind of guy who is afraid of risks.
Hawke: Usually a little more calculated than this.
Randy: Regardless, Vodka is in my cup… I mean, in control of the match.
Predictably, the Fireside SPARK Champion has the advantage and eventually turns the exchange into a hammerlock. Once Adrien swings his elbow, Fizz grabs it immediately and locks Cochrane into a full-nelson before slamming him into the mat. The echo of the slam reverberates all throughout Musselman Stadium.
Hawke: Booming full nelson slam by the Fireside SPARK Champion!
Randy: When that Vodka hits you, you usually end up face first on the floor. Just like Adrien!
After the slam, Fizz keeps the offense going on the downed Cochrane with a standing senton. He yanks Adrien to his feet and drops him with german suplex. He attempts to repeat this, hoping for the same result, but Adrien is finally able to respond by flipping over his back and landing on his feet behind Vodka Fizz. Before Fizz could react, Adrien has already dropped the SPARK Champion with a bulldog!
Hawke: And there’s the counter from the Dropkick King!
Randy: Cochrane showing off some agility right there!
Hawke: And I don’t think he’s just stopping at a bulldog!
Fizz pops back to his feet before long but the moment he turns around, Cochrane has already taken him to the mat with a hurricanrana. Cochrane hooks the legs to try to get a pin attempt out of it…
ONE!!
TWO!!
NO!!
Hawke: And Fizz is able to count out at the count of two!
Randy: Way too early to try to put Vodka away. Actually, you should never put Vodka away. It’s always time for Vodka.
Hawke: The wrestler or the drink?
Adrien Cochrane was prepared for his next move. The moment Vodka Fizz pulled himself back up, Adrien was already leaping to drop Fizz with the headscissors takedown before locking in a triangle choke. Vodka Fizz immediately starts flailing before grabbing the bottom rope. But the referee simply keeps asking him if he submits rather than calling the rope break.
Randy: *Gulp* Wait, why is the submission going?
Hawke: Well, it’s a falls count anywhere match. So there’s no rope break, no disqualifications, no count outs. These two can duke it out in the parking lot if they so choose.
Randy: OR A BAR NEXT DOOR!! Maybe they have some of the “other vodka”!!
It takes Fizz a few seconds to realize what is going on before using the ropes to shift his position and giving everything he’s got to get up and slam Adrien to the mat. Both men are down in the ring. Under normal circumstances, the referee could start a ten count. But not this time.
Hawke: The fans are on their feet to see which of these competitors are going to be first to their feet!
Randy: Probably the one who had less to drink!
Both men start to stir around the same time. Vodka was the first one to get on his knees. He’s on one knee before Adrien even gets to both of his. Seeing a golden opportunity, Fizz leaps to his feet and hits a step up dropkick on the Dropkick King.
Randy: Damn, he got DROPPED!!
Hawke: I can’t explain it but Adrien has a smile on his face.
Randy: I usually do too when I’m on the floor because Vodka put me there!
Cochrane kips up to Vodka Fizz’s surprise. Fizz dashes with a lariat, but Cochrane ducks it. Once Fizz turns around, Adrien is already midair and connecting his feet with Vodka’s jaw. The force of the dropkick quickly sends Vodka Fizz over the top rope and onto the floor outside the ring. Cochrane drops to one knee but smiles at his handiwork.
Hawke: And that is why he is the Dropkick King.
Randy: Yup. Not fighting that one.
Once Vodka Fizz starts trying to get back to his feet, Adrien sprints for the rope and leaps. The pescado connects… WITH THE BARRICADE!!
Randy: And BOOM!! Metal for your trouble, good sir!
Hawke: Just a reminder to everyone watching at home, there is no count out. In fact, Vodka could try to pin Adrien right there.
Randy: He’s going to!
ONE!!
TWO!!
NO!!
Adrien kicks out at the count of two. Vodka Fizz shakes his head before remembering the parameters of the match that all sorts of stuff he can’t normally use is perfectly legal in this match. He sends Adrien into the steel steps with an irish whip and strikes him with a lariat, this one connecting successfully. He covers Cochrane once more!
ONE!!
TWO!!
T...NO!!
Frustrated, Vodka Fizz gets a steel chair from under the ring and places Adrien back on the steel steps. The entire building gasps as Fizz drills the chair into Cochrane’s limp body, which was sandwiched between the chair and the stairs. Another cover by Fizz.
ONE!!
TWO!!
TH...NO!!
Randy: Geez!! Adrien doesn’t know when to quit!!
Hawke: Kinda his M.O., let’s be real.
Randy: Uh oh, he’s bleeding. Don’t worry, we can use vodka to disinfect the wound!!
Adrien starts to have red trickle down from his forehead as Vodka Fizz yanks him back up. He places the chair on the floor to drop Adrien on with a DDT… but Adrien gives Vodka an elbow. And then another. And then a third. And suddenly, the Cajun Sensation has knocked his opponent off his feet with a jawbreaker! As soon as Fizz is back up, Cochrane knocks him back down with… you guessed it, a dropkick. Both men are down once more!
Hawke: Man, this match is a gritty contest between two competitors who are truly testing the limits of one another.
Randy: I just want to test how much vodka I can drink before Vodka’s match is over.
Hawke: For your health, please don’t.
Vodka starts to pull himself up once more. So does Cochrane. Vodka realizes where he is and grabs the chair once more but before he can swing it, he finds the chair colliding with his own face after Adrien superkicks the chair right back at Vodka. As Vodka drops to the floor, it’s now Adrien’s turn to get the cover!
ONE!!
TWO!!
TH...NO!!
Hawke: Even a Lightning Strike with a chair wasn’t enough to put this match away. What will it take?!
Randy: An entire bottle of vodka.
Hawke: We’re talking about taking down one of these wrestlers, not you.
Randy: I mean, Vodka might take Adrien down. So I’m not wrong! Oh look, Adrien wants to bring this back to the ring.
Adrien rolls Vodka Fizz back into the ring before tossing the chair into the ring behind him.
Hawke: I want to stress how rare it is to see Adrien Cochrane even using a chair.
Randy: About as rare as me sober!
Adrien doesn’t use the chair immediately, thrusting his knee into Vodka’s midsection before delivering a double arm DDT, more commonly called the Motor City Circuit when used by his student Adam Sanders. Cochrane then leaps onto the top rope and looks down at his opponent. After closing his eyes for a brief second, Adrien flies…
Randy: Oh he’s flying!!
Hawke: Flight One Eight Two!!
Randy: Cover!!
ONE!!
TWO!!
TH...NO!!
Adrien is draped on the bottom rope, shocked that he still hasn’t done enough to put away Vodka Fizz. His face is covered in his own blood at this point. But in the interest of keeping things going, Adrien places Vodka Fizz in the corner before setting up the chair right in front of him. Cochrane sprints towards the chair and Fizz and leaps. Under normal circumstances, the next thing you would see would be a corner hurricanrana into the chair. But Vodka Fizz had other plans…
Hawke: VODKA FIZZ COUNTERS!! He just POWERBOMBED Adrien through that chair!
Randy: That poor chair is not gonna be usable again! And I guess poor Adrien too.
The body of Adrien Cochrane crumbles in the wreckage of what was a steel chair. Fizz drags Cochrane out of it and covers the Original Guardian.
ONE!!
TWO!!
THRE...NO!!
Randy: HOW THE HELL?!
Hawke: I thought that was it for sure!
Randy: I need a drink!
Vodka Fizz can’t believe it either. He turns to the referee of the bout and tries to ask him to confirm what the count was. He kicks what used to be a steel chair out of the ring and decides to roll Adrien’s body back out of the ring. After following, he eyes the ramp. He lifts Adrien in the air and drops him with a suplex on the steel ramp.
Hawke: OUCH!! Steel steps, steel chair, and now steel ramp for Adrien Cochrane to land on.
Randy: Lots of metal for the Dropkick King.
Vodka Fizz isn’t done before yanking Adrien up by his blood stained hair and taking him behind the curtain. With the referee in tow, Vodka Fizz places Adrien on a large cart and starts pushing him.
Randy: Is this drunk driving?
Hawke: Only if it is you pushing Cochrane on that cart.
Fizz pushes that cart into the parking garage until Adrien rolls off of it. Vodka Fizz looks down at the bloodied Adrien Cochrane before Cochrane responds with an uppercut. Then a knee. And finally a dropkick.
Hawke: Adrien says he is not stopping his fight!
Randy: I’m surprised he can see with all that blood in his eyes.
The Cajun Sensation charges Fizz, but Fizz smartly kicks the cart in the way and causes Cochrane to trip on it. Despite wiping out from the cart’s interference, Adrien still gets back up to try to charge again but Fizz drills him with a heel kick. Cochrane appears to have found a second wind as he gets back up again and tries to deliver a roundhouse kick, but Fizz counters into an enzuigiri. The follow up from Fizz, of course, is a spinebuster on the concrete floor. Cover by Fizz.
ONE!!
TWO!!
THRE...NO!!
Hawke: There is just no quit in that guy.
Randy: He’s stubborn. Beaten and bloodied but stubborn.
Vodka Fizz angrily yanks Adrien back up to try to do SOMETHING to keep the former X*Crown Champion down. But his mistake was having his guard down for a split second as it was now he that was being driven into the concrete of the parking garage.
Hawke: ADRIEN CUTTER!!
Randy: That came out of nowhere!
Now Adrien is the one scrambling for a cover.
ONE!!
TWO!!
THRE...NO!!
Vodka Fizz just barely escapes the finishing move. But now Fizz has a matching cut on his face to go along with Adrien’s. Cochrane struggles to his feet after everything he has endured. Fizz does the same. Since the Crescent City Connection isn’t possible in the garage, Cochrane goes for the next best thing he can do: his old finisher he passed down to Adam Sanders.
Randy: He’s going for the Dream Breaker!
Hawke: Adam has won so many matches with it. It’s no surprise to see Adrien try to use it.
Randy: Wait, I think Fizz is wiggling free.
Wiggle free, he does. And the way Fizz decides to counter the move is by rolling up the Dropkick King with a school boy. Cochrane is flailing, but can he escape in time?!
ONE!!
TWO!!
THREE!!
Randy: He did it!! Vodka for everyone!!
Hawke: Vodka Fizz is advancing to the next round of End of Days!!
DING DING DING
Bonnie Jenkins: Here is your winner and advancing to the semifinals of the End of Days tournament, VODKA FIZZ!!
With the fight over, Adrien just lies on the floor motionless. With all the blood he’s lost, the fight being over looks like it subsided the adrenaline that kept him fighting. Vodka Fizz is still on the floor himself, looking down at the bloodied Adrien Cochrane that kept going a lot longer than he should have. He pats the Dropkick King on the shoulders before the cameras cut back to the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is scheduled for one fall…
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Bonnie Jenkins: And is a first round match in the End Of Days Tag Team Annihilator.
The arena lights dim, all that is visible is the rising smoke on the big screens. Silently a parade of Crows, the nameless cultists of The Ritual file out onto the entrance ramp, each bearing a censer that billows smoke upwards. They stop and form a tight group, obscuring what is between them with plumes of a now thick fog. Then as the first crashing power chords sound out the image on the screens changes to that of a roaring fire and the cultists disperse, letting the smoke float away and revealing the massive muscular frame of Kuroi and the slender figure of Natasha. The Goddess of Death screams to signal the pair should begin their slow walk to the ring, in step with the powerful beat of the music.
“I have but one desire,
Let it be,
A pestilence upon your lands,
And a plague upon all your houses.”
Let it be,
A pestilence upon your lands,
And a plague upon all your houses.”
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first. NATASHA. KUROI. THE RITUAL.
The pair step through the ropes, moving to the center of the ring and Kuroi folds his enormous arms, standing behind Natasha as she grabs hold of her wrist and lets out another blood curdling scream.
“And our gods,
SHAAAAAAAALL! BECOOOOOOOOOME! YOOOOOUR! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODS!”
SHAAAAAAAALL! BECOOOOOOOOOME! YOOOOOUR! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODS!”
Hawke: Natasha. Kuroi. They are really something.. different.
Randy: That sent a shiver down my spine, Jojo.
Hawke: How does a wrestler prepare for two individuals like these?
Randy: Have a clean pair of pants backstage.
Slowly, the lights of the arena gradually begin to fade until there is darkness. Only the lights from mobile devices and flash photography can be seen. Then, Deryck Whibley’s voice is heard.
“So what am I fighting for?
Everything back and more.
And I’m not gonna let this go!
I’m ready to settle the score…
Get ready ‘cause this is war!”
Everything back and more.
And I’m not gonna let this go!
I’m ready to settle the score…
Get ready ‘cause this is war!”
The socially awkward tandem step from behind the curtain. The fans burst into loud, positive cheers that fill the entirety of the arena as Sum 41’s “War” continues to play from the PA system. The Paragon of Professional Wrestling and the Awkward One give each other a glance before making their descent down towards the ring, both sets of eyes completely fixed on the ring and their goal tonight.
Bonnie Jenkins: From a short trip on I-69 and Highway 401 apart, weighing in at a combined weight of four hundred and sixty three pounds, “AWKWARD” ADAM SANDERS... “THE PARAGON OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING” SOLOMON GRAHAM, THE GUARDIANS!!
Nothing breaks their concentration, even as they allow the fans to reach out and tag them. They reach the front of the ring and march in place as the spotlights continue to shine on them. All of them wear expressions of resolution while the fans continue to cheer and take pictures.
Hawke: The Guardians are known for standing up to difficult challenges.
Randy: These pair have guts, heart, spirit, all that stuff. They’ll need it of course but I can’t look past them as being the Network’s best hope at stopping The Ritual.
The Awkward One rolls into the ring while Solomon hops onto the apron. Solomon quickly points to all the fans in the arena while Adam holds his arms up on the middle rope in the corner opposite his partner and mentor as the song begins to fade out.
TAG TEAM ANNIHILATOR FIRST ROUND MATCH
One Fall Match
The Ritual vs The Guardians
The bell sounds and Natasha stares quizzically across the ring at Adam Sanders. The Awkward One hangs back near his corner as Natasha glides towards the middle of the ring. Sanders engages and strikes away with a pair of fierce kicks. The Goddess of Death responds with a pair of stiff roundhouse kicks, Sanders forced back towards his friendly corner. Solomon Graham reaches out and blind tags himself in and The Awkward One looks to sawing for the fences right away, a toe kicks to guts making Natasha bend into a standing head scissors from Awkward Adam. Adam lifts Natasha’s body up and sits down, SPIKING NATASHA’S HEAD IN THE CANVAS WITH A PILEDRIVER! Graham gets into position to follow up…
Hawke: PILEDRIVER DANCE PARTY!
AND NATASHA JUST GETS STRAIGHT BACK UP. ADAM SANDERS LOOKS LIKE HE’S SEEN A GHOST!
Hawke: I’ve seen Natasha take blows to her neck and head that haven’t phased her in the past. The things is I don’t know if either of The Guardians have seen it up close and personal.
Randy: You’ve gotta have a Plan B with The Ritual. Or at least recognize that plan A probably isn’t gonna work.
Graham, counting that Natasha will still be concentrating on Sanders and winds up, pivoting into a tight spiral and smashing the knuckles of his fist against Natasha’s cheek with an uraken. The still shook up Sanders gets his wits about him quickly with the best trained dropkick in the business. Sanders rolls out of the ring, finishing the tag as Graham walks in and drives a knee up into Natasha’s bread basket, forcing the statuesque Goth backwards to ring center. Graham postures up and throws a second knee, this one steepling up into Natasha’s face. The Goddess staggers back towards her own corner and she reaches an arm back and allows Kuroi to tag in. The monster steps over the ropes and Graham gives him space to allow a position reset.
Hawke: Graham showing off his agility the as he backs off The Goddess of Death.
Randy: The Guardians have a huge speed advantage in this match. Stick and move is the order of the day and the key to victory.
There is a pensiveness, a little tentative step as Graham closes the distance from the hulking brute of The Ritual. The Paragon of Professional Wrestling slides in and fires off a high kick which stings Kuroi on the shoulder blade. Realizing that Kuroi’s towering height is going to be a near insurmountable difficulty, Graham wraps a leg round the back of Kuroi, lashing his calves with a stiff shot. Kuroi stumbles forwards a half step and Graham presses a foot downwards against a thigh, driving the man mountain down to a knee. The Paragon rushes the ropes and leaps at the downed beast, driving both his knees into Kuroi’s rippling trapezius muscles. Graham stays down to pin and the referee counts…
ONE!
TWO!
T… Very short two count.
Hawke: Not enough to obtain an early victory but you have to try what you can to beat Kuroi.
Randy: It’s about command and control, Jojo. Natasha may have it outside of the ring but within the ropes the technical acumen and base ringcraft is so much in the Guardians’ favor.
Graham reaches an arm round Kuroi’s massive head, tightly wrapping up his enormous opponent at ground level. The Paragon squeezes, attempting to control his opponent’s positioning through superior technique. With a grunt of exertion Kuroi gets to one knee, The Paragon holding on to the monster’s neck. Kuroi gets vertical with Graham trying to lock down the beast’s getting slowly up. Finally with a roar from nowhere, the Bostonian gets up and falls backwards, slamming Solly down to the mat with a back suplex. Kuroi’s face is bright red, either from the exertion of from rage. It’s hard to tell which. Graham rolls to safety and tags Sanders back in.
Hawke: There’s some quick tags being made by The Guardians.
Randy: Look, the important thing for a fight against The Ritual is to not get trapped in there with them for too long. Take your advantages and the get away if you need to.
The Dropkick King’s Star Pupil is sharp at getting over to where Kuroi is standing and at his full pace extends an arm and crashes in across Kuroi’s chin. The big unit barely budges and almost offers a challenging glance down at the former AWF Champion. Adam Sanders rushes the ropes and rebounds, this time the arm swing being a little more furious and Kuroi is even forced to back up a little as the Lariat lands. Natasha blind tags herself in and as Sanders wheels back around for a huge leg lariat that sends Kuroi spilling over the top rope and to the apron, Natasha walks round behind the Awkward One and locks in a back waistlock, flinging him across the ring. Natasha looks down at Sanders with a look of mild disdain.
Hawke: The Ritual offer a dangerous combination because you just cannot let one of them get loose while you’re concentrating on the other one.
Randy: Lack of concentration leads to things getting broken.
Standing quickly, Adam readies himself against the inevitable attack from Natasha. The Goddess walks slowly towards ring center where Adam greets her with a sharp overhand right, crashing his knuckles against the porcelain white skin on Natasha’s face. Natasha does nothing in response and Adam fires off another punch, this one making the Goddess of Death’s head to cranks a little away from the blow. A third strike but this one is blocked by Natasha and the head of the Ritual s trikes back with a savage forearm smash that takes Sanders clean off his feet. Awkward Adam goes prone, Natasha shooting in for a mount but Sanders immediately wraps his legs round Natasha’s waist, taking guard and as his opponent attempts to worm free, Sanders floats up and wraps up The Goddess’ neck, forming a triangle with her arm.
Hawke: THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT!
...but Natasha stands up, taking her time to get to a knee and then to a vertical base with Adam hanging off her, desperately attempting to lock in the choke fully. Natasha counters by dropping to a seated position, POWERBOMBING THE AWKWARD ONE CLEAN OUT OF THE HOLD.
Randy: I think the Lioness has no plans on sleeping.
Sanders know that a quick tag is in order and seeing Solomon Graham reaching his arm out, Sanders tries to make distance between himself and The Gothic Goddess. Natasha has good ring presence, however, and she grabs Sanders off the mat by the hair before grabbing The Awkward One’s arm and slinging him across the diagonal where his face collides with Kuroi’s waiting boot. Natasha screams at the top of her lungs before following in, sashaying across the ring and tagging a slightly dazed Sanders with a Forearm Shiver before tagging out.
Hawke: The HOWL OF THE BAINTSÍ! And Now the Ritual are in control of the ring position.
Kuroi steps over the ropes and grabs for Sanders, hoisting him up high above his head in a military press as if he weighed nothing. The Beast Prophet makes sure that Natasha is away from the corner and just presses Sanders, takes a step out of the corner and drops The Awkward One across the top rope, landing his chest on one rope and abdomen on the adjacent cabling. Natasha steps back into the corner and clubs downwards into Sanders’ chest artlessly, causing Adam to fall off the ropes… awkwardly. Kuroi waits for Sanders to stand up as Natasha climbs the ropes before the monster ducks between The Awkward One’s legs and elevates him into an Electric Chair. Natasha beckons the precarious tower to come closer before reaching out with her long legs and locking up Sanders’ neck, hanging upside down as Kuroi keeps both his partner and The Awkward One elevated. The referee has to count…
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
F… Natasha releases and slithers off to avoid the disqualification.
Hawke: The fabled HANGING GARDENS.
Randy: You may only get five seconds in it but it’s incredibly effective for that five seconds.
Another quick tag sees Natasha as the legal Goddess in the ring. Sanders’ face is a little red from having that gravity assisted leg triangle around his throat and Kuroi managed to tag him with a quick couple of punches, the second of which has enough force behind it to make Awkward Adam do a full 180 spin. Kuroi threads his arms under Sanders’ from behind and locks his hands together on Adam’s neck before lifting the unfortunate Awkward One’s off mat level. Natasha takes a big step forwards and places her knee out and Kuroi just releases Sanders into a Manhattan Drop.
Hawke: OUCH.
Randy: The Ritual are behaving like a well oiled machine. Not that I’d trust Natasha’s oil supplier.
Natasha covers…
ONE!
TWO!
TH… Adam kicks out!
The referee is finally trying to get control of the match and orders Kuroi back to his own corner. Natasha lifts The Awkward one up in a back waistlock and Kuroi decided to follow the referee’s instruction in the most violent way possible by backing off and RUSHING TOWARDS HIS OWN CORNER, PLANTING HIS BOOT FIRMLY INTO AWKWARD ADAM’S FACE, PUSHING OVER THE PILE INTO A GERMAN SUPLEX BY NATASHA!
Hawke: Well at least the referee has a modicum of control restored.
Randy: Not QUITE the way you’d want Kuroi to get back to his corner, mind.
Natasha covers…
ONE!
TWO!
THR… Adam Sanders kicks out again!
Crowd: ADAM! ADAM! ADAM! ADAM!
Natasha looks thrilled that Sanders is continuing to fight. She floats round and grabs a grounded front facelock, firing knee after knee into Adam’s face. Wtih Sanders stunned, Natasha stands, pulling Adam to his feet. Natasha hooks her arms across each other, firmly trapping Awkward Adam’s head before spinning and snapping Sanders to the mat.
Hawke: THE CAULDRON!
Natasha covers…
ONE!
TWO!
THR… ADAM KICKS OUT AGAIN!
Crowd: ADAM! ADAM! ADAM! ADAM!
Hawke: If there’s one thing you can’t put past Adam Sanders it’s his amazing resilience.
Randy: There is just no quit in Awkward Adam Sanders.
Never one to rest on an unfinished job, Natasha stands again and as The Awkward One gets to a knee, Natasha lashes him across the side of the face with a roundhouse kick. Sanders sucks wind and stand in the face of this heavy assault. Sanders throws an elbow at Natasha which bring nothing more than a sideways glance before Natasha toe kicks Adam in the guts to bend him double. The Goddess locks in a front facelock, draping Adam’s arm over her back before lifting Sanders up into the air, vertical suplex style, holding Adam in the air for a couple of seconds before chaing his body weight mid move, stepping down to a knee and DROPPING ADAM ACROSS HER KNEE, BACK OF THE NECK FIRST!
Hawke: RAVEN ARROW! THAT WILL OUT A DISC OR TWO OUT OF WHACK!
Another cover…
ONE!
TWO!
THRE…. NO! ADAM SANDERS, BY GOD, KICKS OUT AGAIN!
Crowd: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! ADAM! ADAM! ADAM!
Needed to retreat for strategic reasons, Natasha moves back towards her own corner leaving the very spent but yet very still in the match Adam Sanders lying in the center of the ring. Kuroi tags in and the Ritual pair close in like carrion birds looking to pick clean a dead carcass. The Ritual position themselves surrounding Sanders as the Awkward one stands and Natasha turns into him, raising her Daemon’s Palm to connect flush with Sanders’ jaw…BUT SANDERS WEAVES OUT OF THE WAY! Kuroi throws a mighty ham hock fist AND SANDERS WEAVES OUT OF THE WAY OF THAT TOO! ELBOW STRIKE TO NATASHA! ELBOW STRIKE TO KUROI! JUMPING SEATED DROPKICK PUSHES NATASHA OUT OF THE WAY AND INTO HER OWN CORNER! Adam retreats towards his own side where Solomon Graham is frantically reaching out an arm and trying to get into the match! Sanders is within grasping difference… BUT KUROI CATCHES HIS TRAILING LEG TO STOP THE TAG! ADAM COUNTERS BY WHIPPING HIS ENTIRE BODY ROUND INTO AN ENZUIGIRI AND DIIIIIIIIIIVES FOR THE TAG!
Crowd: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!
Hawke: TAG MADE! TAG MADE! SOLOMON GRAHAM IS THE LEGAL MAN!
Crowd: SO-LO-MON! SO-LO-MON! SO-LO-MON!
MASSIVE HEAD KICK TO KUROI! That staggers the big man. Natasha comes back from her corner… MASSIVE HEAD KICK TO NATASHA! Both members of The Ritual are staggered as The Paragon winds up… HUGE SPINNING BACKFIST THAT SENDS THE RITUAL WHEELING AWAY TO OPPOSITE NEUTRAL CORNERS IN A HURRY! Solomon stands mid ring and charges.. HUGE RISING KNEE TO NATASHA! A quick turn and a whole ring diagonal of space to get up to speed… HUGE RISING KNEE TO KUROI! SOLOMON PUMPS HIS ARMS IN TRIUMPH!
Hawke: SOLOMON GRAHAM IS FEELING IT TONIGHT!
Graham mimes throwing a fishing line out to the corner where Natasha is standing. Woozy (by movement rather than facial expression, Natasha being rather unemotive, especially through the face paint) The Goddess staggers into range for Solomon to strike. He grabs a waistlock, floats round behind and clutches an arm before sending Natasha spinning away and dragging her back in, connecting flush with a LETHAL looking hook kick.
Hawke: REEL ‘ER IN!
Natasha drops and Soloman Graham covers…
NO COUNT!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Randy: Always watch who the legal man is in a match. Or Goddess, for that matter.
It’s Kuroi who is in Graham’s sights now and he moves towards the gigantic wall of muscle with the intent of finishing the match off. He boots Kuroi in the stomach and hooks in a front chancery, looking for his Implant DDT…
Hawke: THE PARAGON DDT! THIS COULD BE IT!
AND SPIKES KUROI’S HEAD INTO THE MAT! KUROI IS DOWN!
ONE!
TWO!
TH… NATASHA HAS ENOUGH ABOUT HER TO RUN AT THE PILE AND BUNDLE HER BODY INTO IT TO BREAK THE PIN! NOW SANDERS HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THAT AND HE GETS BACK INTO THE RING! STRIKES FLY FROM ALL SIDES!
Hawke: IT’S CARNAGE IN THE RING! I THINK THE REFEREE HAS LOST ALL CONTROL!
Randy: Did you ever think a referee could control these four diverse athletes? You have hot young exciting talents with irrepressible amount of energy against two monsters who have little regard for the rules.
Kuroi and Cochrane are brawling, Cochrane putting in an impressive showing against a man twice his size. Natasha and Graham are engaged in a kick exchange, each blow landing harder and harder. The referee has given up trying to keep a lid on the match. He knows who’s legal and bother teams are breaking the five second rules on having both your wrestlers in as much as each other so let it slide. Adam goes for the breadbasket on Kuroi, punt kicking him into bent double town. He sticks Kuroi in a standing head scissors and looks to prove that he can shift a man of any size, grasping Kuroi’s waist and going for a powerbomb…
Hawke: HOLY GOOD GOD ABOVE! CAN ADAM SANDERS NERD OUT KUROI?
...the answer is no. Maybe, maybe at full fitness but Sanders has taken so much of a beating in this match it’s a wonder he’s even able to contribute. Kuroi just guts up and backs up a step or two before STANDING UP TO HIS FULL HEIGHT, BACKDROPPING ADAM SANDERS CLEAN OUT OF THE RING AND INTO A CRUMPLED HEAP ON THE OUTSIDE!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Kuroi turns back to where his Goddess and Graham are scrapping and waiting for a second where Natasha has the advantage he grabs his wrist to signal something to The Goddess of Death. There is a flash in Natasha’s eyes and she absorbs another swift kick from Graham only to respond by crashing her palm heel into Graham’s chin so hard that The Paragon is forced to wheel 180 degrees… right into the grasp of Kuroi. Natasha ducks in and splants her head under Solly’s shoulder as Kuroi grasps Graham around the neck…AND KUROI CHOOOOOOOKESLAAAAAAAAAAAAMS SOLOMON GRAHAM AS NATASHA IS SPIKING HIM WITH A BACK SUPLEX!
Hawke: RITUAL PURIFICATION!
With Sanders outside fighting to get back to his feet, Kuroi pins…
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Bonnie Jenkins: Your winners of this match and advancing to the next round, THE RIIIIIIIITUUUUUAL!
Suddenly the lights all go out across the arena. There is a lot of murmuring and hubbub but for those who are aware of how Natasha likes to have a clean finish to her business, this should not come as a surprise and about five seconds later the lights are back up and there is no sight of either Kuroi OR Natasha.
Randy: They don’t like to stick around, these cultist types?
Hawke: Well let’s talk about how impressive The Guardians were in that match. When you’re fighting seemingly impossible odds, to come THAT close to beating them deserves a lot of credit.
Randy: We’ll be hearing a lot more from both these teams in the future, that’s for certain.
Randy: Welp this one has the makings of a real barnburner. *He sips through a metal straw from a copper mug* … What? Barns have mules.
Hawke: Many people wouldn’t have been shocked for this matchup to be the final one, but fate has put them on the same side of the bracket and now Caffrey and Dylan meet for the first time in years one on one.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is a quarterfinal match in the 2021 End of Days tournament. This is a LAST MAN STANDING MATCH! The only way to win is to incapacitate your opponent so they cannot stand to answer a referee’s ten count! Entering first …
“My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark” begins to blare through the field sound system. The crowd begins to erupt in cheers for the closest thing they have to a hometown hero here tonight. The bleachers rise to their feet collectively as purple sparkler sprays from the makeshift stage setup to the side of the football field. Anthony Caffrey steps onto the stage under the glowing image on the Xtremetron of a Purple Emperor butterfly. He nods to his people as they cheer. He begins is slow march down the ramp and onto the turf of the entryway as he soaks in the adoration. He rolls into the ring and rises to his feet and begins to call on the crowd to pump up the noise. He hands his glasses off to the timekeeper and stretches in the corner anticipating the level of violence to come in this main event.
Bonnie Jenkins: From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania …
Crowd: CAFF-REY! CAFF-REY! *raucous applause*
Bonnie Jenkins: He weighs in tonight at 222 pounds … he is the Founder of Fireside, ANTHONY CAFFREY!
Randy: I still can’t get my head around the crowd cheering him.
Hawke: He has done loads to rejuvenate and revitalize his image in the last year Randy. And we are in the P-A. Besides, with his foe being who it is he likely would have gotten cheered anyhow.
As if on cue:
“A SPECIAL PLACE IN HEEEEEEEE-E-E-E-ELLLLLL!"
Green sparkler pyro erupts from the stage as the riffs to Reid Henry’s hit new single hits the PA system, uplifting and electric! The curtains between the wrestling word and gorilla open up and Dylan Black pushes his way through them! He pauses, posing for the crowd before strolling down the ramp ever so casually.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent, making his way to the ring, from Boston, Massachusetts! Standing at 6'3" and weighing in at 218 pounds, he is “The Messiah of Mayhem,” DYLAN BLACK!
Dylan rolls under the bottom ropes and holds his hands up in the ring, creating a small lightning arc! He soaks in the boos from those in attendance and just gives off the biggest smirk before he slinks into his corner staring down Caffrey with an evil grin on his face.
Randy: Gonna be hard to bet against my buddy from Japan tonight. Dylan has been on another level since the last time these two fought.
Hawke: And this type of match would normally favor Dylan. However we aren’t in an arena with unlimited weapons, we’re at a football stadium at a college. There’s only the weapons under the ring.
END OF DAYS SINGLES TOURNAMENT QUARTERFINAL MATCH
Last Man Standing Match
Anthony Caffrey vs Dylan Black
DING DING DING! The bell rings and Caffrey immediately begins scouting the best way to get one up on Dylan. The cyborg psychopath just smirks that evil smirk and strolls to the center of the ring and beckons Caffrey to bring it. The history between these two hangs heavy in the air. Dylan holds up his arms for a test of strength and Caffrey eyes his shoulder before shrugging and locking up. Caff immediately pulls him in for a short-armed clothes line but Dylan reverses with one of his own. Caff looks up at him and smirks as Dylan tuts him for trying that. Dylan locks in a rear chinlock. Caff manages to fight out and send Dylan off the ropes but he gets put to the mat by a running shoulder barge.
Randy: Why do I feel like I’ve seen this before?
Hawke: This match has a real Classic feel to it Randy, I’m sure it’s nothing.
Dylan stomps on Caff’s right shoulder and elbow as soon as he hits the mat. He tries to lock in an arm bar but Caff fights out of it and gets to his feet. Dylan charges right into an arm drag sending Dylan across the ring. The fans can see the look of annoyance on Caffrey’s face as he is replaying this event in his head. Dylan just laughs and shrugs. Caff shakes his head and turns to the crowd who seem to understand what’s going on. Dylan tries to push the advantage but charges right into a dropkick as Caffrey points to his head.
Caffrey: I see what you’re doing. I’m not stupid.
Dylan: Not my diagnosis.
The two of them begin to circle again, history having come to the front here in this historic location. A war about to re-erupt in Gettysburg. Dylan charges at Caffrey but Caff backs up and dumps him over the ropes to the floor. Dylan laughs and immediately starts ferreting under the ring for a weapon. He hears the crowd erupt in cheers and looks up only to see Caffrey hurtling over the top rope! Dylan covers up but nothing happens. Caff lands on the apron and just boots Dylan’s face sending him to the floor.
Caffrey: Really should have seen it coming, Dylan. You couldn’t beat me with the mask, you can’t beat me without it!
The crowd are firmly behind Caffrey here. Dylan begins to stumble away holding his face as he stumbles around the corner and vanishes as he falls behind the ring. Caff chases but stops short at the corner as Dylan fires out with the clothesline and hits nothing but air. Caff gets behind him and hits a neckbreaker before popping to his feet and cracking his neck. He makes a snapping motion to the crowd.
Randy: Well looks like the inverted replay is over now as Caff scouted that attack from Dylan.
Hawke: Surely it’s too early for the process?
Caff grabs the right ankle of Dylan and torques it hard and shouts at him to tap. Dylan is just laying on the floor looking at his wrist and yawning. Caff takes offense to this and torques harder! The ankle bends and … SNAP! It turns 180 degrees! Caff actually releases the hold and grabs his mouth. The shock and awe from the crowd, and a few dry heaves, ring out like a bad omen. Caff looks to the ref as he rolls into the ring.
ONE!
Dylan taps his fingers on the floor bored.
Two?
Dylan pushes up to his left leg and looks at his right leg with a mocking look of shock!
Dylan: OH NO! What have you done Anthony?
Dylan begins to smile. Caffrey just looks incredulous as Dylan hops to the ring and rolls in. Caff argues that he can’t fight on one leg to the ref when Dylan simply turns the foot back with a mechanical whir and we hear servos grind and gears click. It dawns on the Fireside Founder too late as Dylan blasts him in the face with the bicycle knee strike with that metal right knee. Caff crumples holding his nose and jaw and spitting blood on the mat. Dylan simply allows electricity to arc through his mechanical right leg and shakes his head.
Dylan: I told you I’m not the same as the last time we fought.
Randy: *vomiting*
Hawke: Dylan baited Caff with his mechanical limbs to make him lower his guard and hit a devastating blow to the head. Caffrey may have a concussion.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
The crowd begins to erupt in Caffrey chants as they will their chosen hero to his feet.
FOUR!
FIVE!
The Purple Emperor rolls to his hands and knees, dripping blood from his destroyed nasal cavity.
SIX!
A scowl of derision and anger crosses the face of the Philly boy and he rises to his feet.
Dylan shrugs and charges, but Caff spits blood in his eyes and Dylan stops his charge to wipe his eyes clear as Caffrey dropkicks him in the chest. He immediately follows it up with a crossface chickenwing.
Caffrey: Three mechanical limbs but I know that still had to hurt. And you still need to breathe.
Caffrey leverages his ring position to grapevine the body of Dylan and arch his back up to get more pressure on the throat. Dylan’s face lights up red as he very much does still need to breathe. He struggles and tries to roll to either side, but the submission machine has the hold sunk in deep and uses his knees and legs to prevent the roll. Dylan flails wildly with his free left arm. As he begins to see stars he finally grasps Caffrey’s choking arm with his left hand and we hear a loud electrical sound as Caff immediately releases the hold and convulses on the mat. Unfortunately, the shock was too close to Dylan and he also took some of it and his beard smokes from the shock. The ref looks at both men and has no clue how to handle this.
Hawke: How is that fair? Dylan is like one big Taser!
Randy: I mean … it’s no DQ? *sips from a goblet of wine*
Caffrey inches his way to the corner and sits there as he coughs and sputters. He spits more blood as he holds his left arm as it keeps twitching from the shock. Dylan is slow to his feet as he coughs and tries to get air to his brain again. The former apex asshole decides to take a chance and charges the current apex asshole. Dylan however shakes off the cobwebs and catches him in a bear hug before launching him over the top rope with a belly to belly suplex. Anthony’s back crashes onto the branded guard on the Spanish announce table and he falls to the ground.
Dylan: Huh … I was trying to BREAK the table.
Randy: Caffrey is holding his back, I think he’s hurt.
Hawke: That was a first. Caffrey meeting table and the table not winning the matchup.
Dylan tells the ref to count as Anthony barely moves on the outside. The fans begin to will the fan favorite to his feet again. Caffrey slowly begins to move. He grabs the announce table and pulls himself up. He leans against it, holding his back. Dylan rolls out of the ring and marches up to him. Caffrey flails wildly at him but Dylan keeps darting out of the way. He grabs Caffrey and slams him spine first into the table’s front panel. Holding the arm, Black pulls Anthony away and sends him careening into the ring apron spine first. The Messiah of Mayhem grabs the Fireside Founder by the throat and pulls him into a uranage onto the floor. Arching his back, Caffrey howls in agony.
Hawke: Dylan is showing no mercy here.
Randy: A six month title reign, the longest in history, but he still has never beaten this man. It’s understandable.
Dylan laughs as the ref begins to count. ONE! Dylan rummages under the ring. TWO! He digs deep, a table is slid out from under the ring. A second table. THREE! A trash can lid and a kendo stick fly out to the floor. FOUR! He finally pulls out two steel chairs and turns to find Caffrey looking at him posing like a French Girl. Caff blows him a kiss then swings the kendo stick Dylan had thrown right to him. Dylan takes the shot to the face and drops the chairs. Caff gets to his feet and winces in pain. He smacks Dylan in the back with the kendo stick. Then he swings at the left thigh a few times as Dylan hobbles away. Finally the messiah manages to catch the stick and uses it to yank the assailant to him with a massive headbutt. Both men stumble from the impact. Dylan stumbles to Caffrey but gets caught with the legsweep DDT right onto one of the chairs Dylan brought out!
Randy: BROTHERLY LOVE ONTO THE STEEL CHAIR!
Hawke: Caffrey is no stranger to these violent matches. He seems to be channeling that AXW Caffrey to bring the pain to his rival.
ONE! Caffrey takes a minute to recover. TWO! He looks out at his adoring fans here in his home state. THREE! Caff eyes the left leg of Dylan. FOUR! As Dylan begins to move Caffrey wastes no time letting him recover. He grabs the steel chair and brings the edge of it down on the left knee. Dylan yelps in pain as the chair is lifted and slammed again on the left ankle. Dylan retracts the leg but the chair is slammed across his chest for his trouble. As soon as the leg is stretched again, Caffrey stomps on the knee and holds his foot there to hold it in place as he slides the chair around the left ankle of Dylan.
Caffrey: Worked for Steele, should work on you. Stay the fuck down.
Caffrey climbs the ring steps and looks to Pillmanize the ankle of Dylan! But Dylan rolls out of the way and kicks the chair off his ankle as Caffrey shakes his head. He grabs the left leg and drops into a heel hook. Dylan begins to grab for anything that can save him, but all he gets is a trash can lid. He tries to drag Caff to somewhere he can leverage his body, but Caffrey reaches under the ring with his free hand and grabs a metal support beam to hold them in place. Dylan howls in agony as his human leg gives out on him.
Caffrey: Told you, you were better off with the mask.
Dylan: *smirking* I don’t need the mask. Anomoly is dead. And so are you.
Dylan pulls back his mechanical right leg and begins to kick the hip of Caffrey as if via a piston. Caffrey sits up to shift his legs but Dylan hits him with the trash can lid and he flips back down. Anthony has no choice but to break the hold or the metal leg will shatter his hip. He hobbles to his feet and regroups. Dylan gingerly stands up, putting most of his weight on his mechanical right leg. He moves towards Anthony and the two begin to trade punches. Dylan manages to duck one and poke Caff in the eyes. He then tries to whip him into the barricade but Caffrey locks his leg on Dylan’s and spins behind him, he shoves Dylan face first into the ring post and on the return hits a Russian leg sweep. They stay hooked together and roll back further and to their feet, only for Caffrey to then fall forward slamming Dylan face first to the floor with a front Russian leg sweep. He then steals a move from one of his many conquests and locks in a Dragon Clutch!
Randy: Hey that’s Death Trap’s signature finisher! He tapped Dylan out last year at Night of Champions with that!
Hawke: Caffrey is a master of the submissions, I’m sure he paid attention to that whole match since DT took his title away.
Caffrey sits on top of Dylan and wrenches back hard. Dylan grunts in pain and reaches out for the ring post. He manages to pull them both closer to the ringpost and then pushes off it with his left arm to roll them over and break the hold.
Dylan: DT … does it better.
Caffrey: *blinks* We both know that’s a lie …
Both men catch their breath. As they slowly rise to their knees they again begin trading attacks. Chop! WOO! Punch! CHOP! WOO! PUNCH! Caffrey finally manages to catch the next punch attack and begins to bend the wrist backwards. Dylan is tired enough to begin to feel these attacks on his metal appendages. He grabs the wrist of Caffrey and torques him to the mat with an arm wringer. Dylan now stands up and signals to the crowd it’s over. He sets up one of the tables next to the ring on the side facing the bleachers. He then moves to the second table and picks it up. Caffrey charges him and Dylan uses the table as a shield and Caff hits it, knocking Dylan down and sandwiching the table between them. Caff rolls off the table favoring his right shoulder. Dylan manages to avoid damage and turns to Caff. He slams the edge of the table into his foe’s gut.
Randy: I think he’s trying to put the table through Caffrey …
Caff doubles over and Black uses the table like a bludgeon over the spine and right shoulder of his opponent. Anthony drops to the floor as Dylan laughs. He sets up the table. He picks up the Phighter by his hair and sets him up. German Suplex! But Caff hits the table off center and the whole thing just topples over without breaking sending him careening into the steel ring steps where he lays on them, motionless. Dylan laughs and signals for the count.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE! Caff begins to stir.
FOUR!
FIVE! Caff pushes off the steps to his hands and knees.
Dylan wastes no time breaking the count by charging in and curb stomping Caff’s face off the padding on the ground around the ring. The lucky fans who got seats on the field level are now on their feet booing. Dylan just soaks it in.
Randy: They’re throwing soda at Dylan, that can’t be good for those servos. THROW BEER AT ME INSTEAD! I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!
Hawke: Is this really the time?
Randy: It’s ALWAYS Beer o’clock Joey!
ONE!
TWO! A pack of concession peanuts hits Dylan.
THREE!
FOUR! A full slice of pizza lands on Dylan’s shoulder. He smirks and looks at it.
FIVE! Mmmm pepperoni!
SIX! He takes a huge bite and then throws it over his head where it lands in Randy Angel’s beer.
Randy: PIZZA BEER! What a great idea buddy!
SEVEN!
EIGHT!
Dylan sprays pizza everywhere as he spits it out. The reason is the uppercut that has just been planted into the family jewels. Dylan crumples to his knees as an irate Caffrey struggles to get to his own knees and pulls his arm from betwixt Dylan’s legs.
Caffrey: Doing a service. Can’t afford to have any more little Vipers running around.
Dylan scowls at him but Caff slowly rises to his feet and wobbles. He grabs Dylan by the hair and hits a vicious knee to the face. He follows it by grabbing the trash can and slamming it on the head of the messiah of mayhem. He pulls Dylan to his feet and puts the trash can over his head before grabbing the Kendo Stick. He wails on the can for a solid thirty seconds.
Randy: I never understood this tactic. It looks vicious but … wouldn’t the can stop the stick from hurti-
Hawke: STOP GIVING AWAY THE BUSINESS YOU CRAZY DRUNK!
Caff takes a second to set the table that had toppled back up. He hits a front Russian leg sweep onto the table. The can bounces off the table and Dylan stays hunched before Caffrey pushes him onto the table and rolls him so he is face up. Caffrey slowly climbs the steel steps to the apron… and then decides it’s not enough and climbs to the middle rope. He looks out at the crowd and points to the purple butterfly on his tights before smiling at them. The cheers fuel him past his doubt over this idea and he leaps off! He hits a vicious double foot stomp to the left knee and ankle of Dylan with his body landing on the trash can and putting Dylan through the table!
Hawke: RADU’S REVENGE! Dylan isn’t moving.
Randy: Yeah but Caffrey is now favoring his own back and legs again.
The ref checks on both men and sees they can both continue. He slides back into the ring and begins the count. At three, Caffrey begins to pound the broken piece of table next to him in pain and tries to push to his feet. At five the trash can is thrown off Dylan as he reaches out for anything he can grab. At seven, the Philly Phighter is to his feet and leaning on the ring apron. At nine, Dylan has hobbled to the stairs and pushes to his feet. He doesn’t stay there though as Caffrey kicks out his mechanical leg. He then immediately grabs the Kendo Stick and begins slamming it into Dylan’s flesh and bone leg. The whole leg is swelling like a balloon from the strikes. Dylan uses his robot leg to force to his feet and dive over the steel steps. Caff follows only to get absolutely blasted in the head, unprotected by a steel chair. Dylan topples to the floor holding his left leg in agony as sparks fly from the right leg from the damage he’s taken.
Hawke: And they’re both down again.
Randy: Caffrey landed on top of the steel steps.
Caffrey indeed slowly crawls onto the apron, holding his now bloody forehead. The crimson fluid begins to flow down the face of the former XHF Tag Team Champion. Dylan is slow to his knees but manages to stand up at four. He smirks to the crowd and holds up the chair in victory.
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT! Caffrey can’t even move. He’s stuck on the apron.
NINE! He rolls his legs off the apron and to the floor to mimic a standing position.
When there’s no ten, Dylan spins to see the zombie Caff standing there, virtual dead weight leaning on the apron. He purses his lips and shrugs. He slowly hobbles to the broken man and raises the chair. He swings and connects with the spine. Anthony arches his back and shouts in agony, the strike having woken him up. Dylan raises the chair high and swings down at Caff’s head. But the phighter falls to the padding and Dylan’s wing hits the bottom rope and springs back at his own head. The impact is enough to shudder him and force him to drop the chair. He shakes his head and holds his temples. He shakes his head again and moves in. Basement dropkick from Caff to the human leg sends Dylan’s face bouncing off the apron. He is immediately dragged into a grapevine ankle lock!
Hawke: As if on instinct alone! Caffrey has the Process on the flesh and bone leg of Dylan!
Randy: Yeah but you can’t win this match in a submission.
Caffrey seems to have been knocked loopy as he torques the leg and watches the ref.
Caffrey: ASK HIM! ASK HIM!
Dylan realizes he has a chance. He looks at the ref and taps out. Caffrey laughs and breaks the hold. The crowd goes nuts, yelling at him to keep going. Caffrey looks confused. He isn’t that asshole anymore. He’s proven his point why should he try to end this man’s career. He slowly climbs to his feet and rolls into the ring to celebrate. Dylan takes his time on the outside to shake out his leg and try to get some feeling back in it. Caffrey asks why the ref hasn’t raised his hand. As the ref explains to Caff, the realization sets in. His eyes go wide, he remembers where he is now. The stun from the chairshot having worn off. He turns just in time to see Dylan barrel towards him on wobbly legs and absolutely flatten him with an axehandle smash. A piece of thick metal from his right leg falls off as he also crumples to the mat.
Randy: Poor Caffrey! He had the chance to break the ankle and render Dylan helpless. Now they’re both down and out again.
Hawke: This match has been the most violent thing this football field has seen in a while.
Caffrey slowly grabs at the mat. He gets something in his hands and brings it to his chest. The fans notice him pulling some of the tape from his hands off. Dylan slowly pushes back to his feet. His left leg is wobbly. His right leg is battered. He marches to Caffrey and grabs his left arm. Then his right arm. He stops the big right foot onto the spine and Caff howls. Dylan yanks him up into the air and plants the leg on the back of his head and STOMP!
Hawke: DYNAMIC OUTRO! Oh it has to be over.
Randy: Dylan slumps into the corner with a sick smile. Caffrey is motionless on the mat.
The ref checks Caffrey but Dylan shouts at him.
Dylan: FUCKING COUNT TO TEN. It’s over.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIVE! Caffrey somehow begins to stir.
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT! He pushes to his knees. The crowd goes insane.
NINE!
Caff just manages to stand up and stumbles against the ropes.
Dylan charges him with a huge superkick! Caff hits the ropes and is sprung forward to the mat face first.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR! Caffrey rolls to the ropes and draps an arm over the bottom rope.
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN! He rolls to his back and kips up on instinct! He grabs the ropes to prevent falling down.
Dylan is incredulous.
Dylan: WILL YOU STOP STANDING!?
Dylan charges and grabs a hold of Caffrey. He whips him off the ropes and on the return he back body drops him over the ropes! Caffrey lands partially on the apron, having grabbed the top rope, saving him from going through the table that had been set up outside earlier. He pulls himself to the apron. Dylan charges him and Caffrey dodges to the side, and punts Dylan in the nose, he grabs Dylan’s face and drops his throat on the middle rope! Dylan stumbles back but refuses to fall. Anthony collapses to the apron. Dylan walks to the side of the ring and reaches over, grabbing a third table that had been stood up there. He pulls it into the ring. Caffrey slowly stands on the apron again only to get blasted in the head by the table. He rocks on the apron holding onto the top rope to prevent falling through the other table on the outside. Dylan brings the table down again but Caffrey ducks and the table hits the top rope and Dylan loses control. The table slides over the top rope and down Caff’s back to the floor.
Hawke: This cannot end well. They are both barely able to stand.
Randy: I dunno, I think this is very entertaining. I think this is ending superbly! *He sips from a shot of sake*
Dylan shakes his hand out then glares at Caffrey on the apron. He runs for a Disasterpiece but Caffrey dodges to the side and hits a stunner onto the top rope sending Dylan springing back into the ring with a thud. Caffrey rolls up his right sleeve. Something is tied to his arm.
Randy: Is Caffrey’s right arm sparking?
ONE!
TWO!
THREE! Dylan rolls over holding his jaw.
FOUR!
FIVE! Dylan pushes to his hands and knees.
SIX!
SEVEN! Dylan is to his feet and stumbles back.
Caffrey locks in the full nelson over the top rope!
Hawke: DREAMS AND NIGHTMARES! He’s trying to get Dylan’s energy down again!
Dylan fights. And manages to break the hold of the weakened Caffrey. He turns around and whips Caffrey across the apron into the ringpost. Anthony crumples in the corner but doesn’t fall. Dylan laughs and grabs the ropes for support. Suddenly Caffrey surges to life and charges him with a HUGE bullhammer elbow. There is a loud zap sound and a metal clang. Dylan flies back into the ring hard and seems to be out cold.
Randy: CLOSING REMARKS! Caffrey is still on the middle of the apron using the ropes to hold himself up. What WAS that?
Hawke: Oh my god! He used the tape to tie a piece of Dylan’s electrical metal leg to his hammering elbow! Dylan didn’t just get a massive elbow to the head. He got a shot assisted by solid steel and a jolt of electricity!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN! Dylan slowly stirs. Caffrey shakes his head.
EIGHT! Dylan is to his hands and knees!
NINE! … Dylan collapses to the mat holding his head and twitching.
TEN!
DING DING DING!
Randy: HE DID IT! It’s over! Caffrey again proves to be Dylan’s kryptonite!
Bonnie Jenkins: Your winner and advancing to the semi-finals of the End of Days Tournament … ANTHONY CAFFREY!
Caffrey raises his arms in victory, and promptly falls backwards off the apron in exhaustion and crashes through the table that was set up there earlier. He lies in a heap as the medics come to check both men, a smile of satisfaction etched onto Caffrey’s face as the fans erupt in cheers!
Hawke: What an amazing conclusion!
Randy: I can't believe it. Well next week we are in South Carolina and co-hosting with Grandma Mary in CAR! We have a Junior Heavyweight Championship #1 contendership ... uh ... bike race! And the semi-final matches! ANd the Sippy Cup!
Hawke: Tune in next week folks. For Randy Angel, I'm Joey Hawke, thanks for joining us for week 2. We leave you with the updated brackets for the tournaments!