Let's Bounce [XHF EOD Week #3]
Oct 14, 2021 0:00:33 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by anthonycaffrey on Oct 14, 2021 0:00:33 GMT -5
“I am not a second grader celebrating a birthday. I am an X-Crown and an XHF Tag Team champion, and I own the #1 company on the Network. I am not getting in a fucking...”
“Do you wanna beat Donzig and go win End of Days in front of your friends and family in Philadelphia?”
“More than anything in the world.”
“Then get your world champion ass into that bounce house.”
The scene opens up just outside of the parking lot of the Hearth for an unusual training day. There’s no heavy bag, treadmills, or copybooks full of notes stacked floor-to-ceiling here. Instead, it’s two grown men standing out in front of a colorful bounce house.
Caffrey discards his Chuck Taylors before passing into the bounce zone. Humorously, the cameraman also has to do it, getting us a glimpse of the colorful walls along with the protective netting on the side. The look on Caffrey’s face indicates that his level of annoyance is quickly dropping because damn, it’s hard to be mad when you’re jumping up and down in a bounce house.
“Come on man, if I’m doing it, you’re doing it too!”
“I’m not fighting--”
"--your dumbass paved the way for Evan Valentine to be X-Crown champ, you might need to get in some agility training to dodge MYOJIN if they ever come for you. Come on!”
Caffrey gestures for his associate to join him. We get a good view of the man who comes into the bounce house; it’s the general manager and former ring announcer of FIRESIDE, Marcus Washington. He’s also Caffrey’s best friend and long-time agent.
“Alright, alright…hey ow, shit!”
Marcus goes stumbling down, having caught his shoe on the surface, immediately landing face-first on the floor.
“You alright?”
“Yeah, think so. Almost twisted my damn ankle. Ow.”
Once Marcus indicates he’s alright, Caffrey immediately begins laughing.
“That’s what you get for wearing Jordans in a bounce house. Who wears shoes in one of these things?”
Marcus crawls along the floor of the bounce house, then dips immediately backs out.
“I’ve got paperwork. Have fun.”
“God, you suck sometimes!”
“Try not to blow it buddy!”
As Marcus heads back inside the building and disappears from our view, Caffrey takes a few seconds to try to shake off the passive-aggressive comment from his strained business partnership. He hops a few times to do something with the energy, before realizing that yeah, the camera’s still on him. He stops and straightens up.
“Well hello, world. It’s me, Anthony. I appreciate everyone who reached out to apologize for their ‘Caffrey doesn’t have it’ anymore hot takes. In my second real match back in singles competition, I laid out the guy who ruled the world for a year. Turns out, I bounced back...”
Caffrey rubs his shoulder as he smiles. Underneath the accomplished emperor appearance on the outside is a man very sore from a brutal last man standing match.
“...and I might even be better than I used to be. It’s fitting that CAR is hosting this week. When I was just some asshole, I used to have dig down into the reserves when fighting on an empty tank. Now, all it takes is having two working ears, as fans all over the world get my engine revved up and ready to go even when I’m getting the hell beaten out of me.”
He tries his best to shake off the feeling of having been through a war, knowing a tough battle is literally right around the corner on Sunday.
“We’re this close to the End of Days tournament final live in this building, in front of thousands of people I try to serve as a role model for, thousands of people I promised to hold the Crown for, and thousands of people I promised I’d host a giant party for, before being screwed out of the gold…”
The brightness in his words as he recalls the promise he made a year ago to fans is instantly dimmed by the harsh memory, and only worsened by beginning to mention his opponent.
“...but up next is a man known as The Bandit King, The Herald of Oblivion, The Harbinger of Death…”
He takes a mocking breath as he continues to count up on his fingers.
“...The War That Walks, Death in High Places, The Lord of the Chaos, the Conqueror, the Pride of SWAT…”
It’s hard to tell if Caffrey is rolling his eyes at that aforementioned nickname or the fact that he’s at nine nicknames and still isn’t done.
“...aka the Scourge, Donzig...”
Caffrey realizes he has two hands up and just lets his fingers sit out there for a second.
“...man, all the marketing in the world, and you’re still mostly known as that asshole who lost to Bloodied Fox and can’t get over it.”
The Purple Emperor’s got zingers.
“You haven’t been able to get over a lot lately, have you? Sure, you beat the still-walking shadow-of-his-former-self Hyperion at Battle of the Best, but you came up short in the second round. You came up short at Call to Arms. You came up short to Felix. And you finished NINTH at Cruiserfest.”
Caffrey makes a loud whistle as he uses his finger to mime an ascending star splatting back down to earth.
“Trust me, as someone who’s ACTUALLY reformed the XHF to his image, to get started you have to string together wins without Armand’s help. I keep getting whispers from people that FIRESIDE should sign you, that you’re the next best thing. I’m not so sure. You’re a hell of a brawler, and maybe the best technician in this tournament who doesn’t wear glasses. But while I beat the greatest X-Crown champion of all time and battled through steel chairs, steps, kendo sticks, mechanical limbs, and of course tables, you almost lost to a guy who just put his ball in your face a few times.”
Caffrey’s referencing Redmond Fury and Donzig’s extreme rules medicine ball match.
“You weren’t even the angriest megalomaniac in this tournament, and I just sent that one packing. Sure, you’re a different breed of angry white guy. I’ve been trying to think of who you remind me of, and I think I got it. If you took Michael Storm’s ‘I listened to too much emo and my mom never loved me’ energy, Chris Card’s pretentious vocabulary, and combined those with Hyperion’s ‘I’m so high on my own supply I think I’m a God’ vibe, that’s you.”
He smiles, mocking a man who has probably used the word ‘dross’ more than once.
“While I can’t speak on Hype as we never wrestled, I took down both Card and Storm. That’s what us shapers do, Donzig… we win the big ones. I put in the work instead of stewing over losses so I could become the next big thing, then I was the big thing, and now I’m the guy who eats the lunches of guys who think they’re going to become the next big thing.”
Caffrey makes a feeding motion.
“All that stewing and worrying does is cloud your judgment and cause you to talk out your ass. You thought I retired, I just couldn’t get a job, bud. You can delusionally blame me for Drake, but we both know you have no friends besides Sinclair and anyone else you brainwash. But instead of spending all of your time thinking about how everyone else sucks and preaching about the world's shittiest salvation, surely you could’ve asked one of the 60 wrestlers I beat at 2020’s XHF Rumble whether or not I had retired.”
Caffrey goes to count again, realizes he doesn’t have sixty fingers, and moves on.
“Then again, it’s a miracle I even got mentioned, you’re so self-obsessed I had to rewatch the first week of End of Days to figure out you fought Al Jabroni. I don’t really care about ‘your divine purpose’, fact is I KNOW you can’t back that in the ring against me. You think you’re the first guy to want to end FIRESIDE? Go ask the last handful how having their boot shoved in their mouth tastes. And I saw what you did to that priest-- I can say I know you because I’ve beaten bullies like you before. You live on intimidation, domination, fear, pain, and suffering… and I have two words for all that…”
We catch Caffrey looking down at his groin before looking back up at the camera.
“So what?”
Caffrey’s fiery determination shines through. He is not in the least bit intimidated, catching himself on a roll where words just shoot out of his mouth.
“So what? Pain is temporary, making cringeworthy Renee Zellwegger references and trying to claim that Redmond Fury shot Alexander Hamilton is apparently your forever. The story of Sunday night isn't going to be about that fear or pain. It's gonna be that you can’t bully a guy who’s taller than you, heavier than you, out-scouted you, knows more than you, is more liked than you, and is a better technical wrestler than you. I know underneath of all that wickedness shit is a pained man wanting to inflict his suffering on others. You'll be left wanting on Sunday. My higher cause is doing the right thing for millions of people while yours is a false front for the urge to rule. Bring it, Donny, I’m sure it’ll suck just as bad as last week, and I’m also sure I'll pop right back up all the same. You can’t dominate me and I don’t have time to fix you this week-- instead, I’m gonna knock you on your ass with the elbow that blacked out Dylan Black and break your ankle so thoroughly you’re left hobbling away to whatever hole Paul crawled into!”
Caffrey passionately mimes hobbling away on crutches. He takes a few seconds to regain his composure, seemingly realizing where he’s yelling.
“And it starts… here. While you were bullying someone smaller than you to try to feel like a tough guy, you completely missed that this is a Bounce House of Friendship Match. You are distinctly at a disadvantage. Which is it gonna be, Donzig? Are you gonna wear shoes, lose some of that already-limited mobility, and potentially fall or twist your ankle before I even get my hands on you; or are you gonna wear socks and have no protection against one of the greatest submissions the XHF’s ever seen?”
Caffrey extends his arms out, giving a hearty shrug.
“The fact I think about this shit while you’re busy jerking off to being a bad person shows me who’s more ready for this match, Donny.”
Caffrey waves his hand in an unflattering motion before ducking through the bounce house’s exit, beginning to round third and head for home.
“It starts in there and continues out here. This Sunday… this Sunday, if I know North Carolina, 1,000 fans can easily sound like ten times that number. Those people aren't perfect, sinners as you might call ‘em, but guess what? Neither am I. But we all know to do the right thing, which in this case is rooting for me to cleanse the XHF of the Scourge.”
Caffrey smiles.
“So this Sunday, when it’s a man who can only dream of reforming the XHF vs. the man that actually did it, who put in the homework and hard work, determination, and willpower…”
Caffrey gestures back towards the Hearth.
“...and who’s only one match away from making his Hearth debut in front of everyone he takes pain and suffering for, everyone he fights for, everyone he loves…”
He turns, gesturing towards his city with a heart full of pride.
“...well, you’re about to see the Purple Emperor bounce another asshole out of this tournament.”
The last thing we see is Caffrey look out at his city and back at the Hearth one more time; familiarizing himself with the thought that the end is in sight.
“Do you wanna beat Donzig and go win End of Days in front of your friends and family in Philadelphia?”
“More than anything in the world.”
“Then get your world champion ass into that bounce house.”
The scene opens up just outside of the parking lot of the Hearth for an unusual training day. There’s no heavy bag, treadmills, or copybooks full of notes stacked floor-to-ceiling here. Instead, it’s two grown men standing out in front of a colorful bounce house.
Caffrey discards his Chuck Taylors before passing into the bounce zone. Humorously, the cameraman also has to do it, getting us a glimpse of the colorful walls along with the protective netting on the side. The look on Caffrey’s face indicates that his level of annoyance is quickly dropping because damn, it’s hard to be mad when you’re jumping up and down in a bounce house.
“Come on man, if I’m doing it, you’re doing it too!”
“I’m not fighting--”
"--your dumbass paved the way for Evan Valentine to be X-Crown champ, you might need to get in some agility training to dodge MYOJIN if they ever come for you. Come on!”
Caffrey gestures for his associate to join him. We get a good view of the man who comes into the bounce house; it’s the general manager and former ring announcer of FIRESIDE, Marcus Washington. He’s also Caffrey’s best friend and long-time agent.
“Alright, alright…hey ow, shit!”
Marcus goes stumbling down, having caught his shoe on the surface, immediately landing face-first on the floor.
“You alright?”
“Yeah, think so. Almost twisted my damn ankle. Ow.”
Once Marcus indicates he’s alright, Caffrey immediately begins laughing.
“That’s what you get for wearing Jordans in a bounce house. Who wears shoes in one of these things?”
Marcus crawls along the floor of the bounce house, then dips immediately backs out.
“I’ve got paperwork. Have fun.”
“God, you suck sometimes!”
“Try not to blow it buddy!”
As Marcus heads back inside the building and disappears from our view, Caffrey takes a few seconds to try to shake off the passive-aggressive comment from his strained business partnership. He hops a few times to do something with the energy, before realizing that yeah, the camera’s still on him. He stops and straightens up.
“Well hello, world. It’s me, Anthony. I appreciate everyone who reached out to apologize for their ‘Caffrey doesn’t have it’ anymore hot takes. In my second real match back in singles competition, I laid out the guy who ruled the world for a year. Turns out, I bounced back...”
Caffrey rubs his shoulder as he smiles. Underneath the accomplished emperor appearance on the outside is a man very sore from a brutal last man standing match.
“...and I might even be better than I used to be. It’s fitting that CAR is hosting this week. When I was just some asshole, I used to have dig down into the reserves when fighting on an empty tank. Now, all it takes is having two working ears, as fans all over the world get my engine revved up and ready to go even when I’m getting the hell beaten out of me.”
He tries his best to shake off the feeling of having been through a war, knowing a tough battle is literally right around the corner on Sunday.
“We’re this close to the End of Days tournament final live in this building, in front of thousands of people I try to serve as a role model for, thousands of people I promised to hold the Crown for, and thousands of people I promised I’d host a giant party for, before being screwed out of the gold…”
The brightness in his words as he recalls the promise he made a year ago to fans is instantly dimmed by the harsh memory, and only worsened by beginning to mention his opponent.
“...but up next is a man known as The Bandit King, The Herald of Oblivion, The Harbinger of Death…”
He takes a mocking breath as he continues to count up on his fingers.
“...The War That Walks, Death in High Places, The Lord of the Chaos, the Conqueror, the Pride of SWAT…”
It’s hard to tell if Caffrey is rolling his eyes at that aforementioned nickname or the fact that he’s at nine nicknames and still isn’t done.
“...aka the Scourge, Donzig...”
Caffrey realizes he has two hands up and just lets his fingers sit out there for a second.
“...man, all the marketing in the world, and you’re still mostly known as that asshole who lost to Bloodied Fox and can’t get over it.”
The Purple Emperor’s got zingers.
“You haven’t been able to get over a lot lately, have you? Sure, you beat the still-walking shadow-of-his-former-self Hyperion at Battle of the Best, but you came up short in the second round. You came up short at Call to Arms. You came up short to Felix. And you finished NINTH at Cruiserfest.”
Caffrey makes a loud whistle as he uses his finger to mime an ascending star splatting back down to earth.
“Trust me, as someone who’s ACTUALLY reformed the XHF to his image, to get started you have to string together wins without Armand’s help. I keep getting whispers from people that FIRESIDE should sign you, that you’re the next best thing. I’m not so sure. You’re a hell of a brawler, and maybe the best technician in this tournament who doesn’t wear glasses. But while I beat the greatest X-Crown champion of all time and battled through steel chairs, steps, kendo sticks, mechanical limbs, and of course tables, you almost lost to a guy who just put his ball in your face a few times.”
Caffrey’s referencing Redmond Fury and Donzig’s extreme rules medicine ball match.
“You weren’t even the angriest megalomaniac in this tournament, and I just sent that one packing. Sure, you’re a different breed of angry white guy. I’ve been trying to think of who you remind me of, and I think I got it. If you took Michael Storm’s ‘I listened to too much emo and my mom never loved me’ energy, Chris Card’s pretentious vocabulary, and combined those with Hyperion’s ‘I’m so high on my own supply I think I’m a God’ vibe, that’s you.”
He smiles, mocking a man who has probably used the word ‘dross’ more than once.
“While I can’t speak on Hype as we never wrestled, I took down both Card and Storm. That’s what us shapers do, Donzig… we win the big ones. I put in the work instead of stewing over losses so I could become the next big thing, then I was the big thing, and now I’m the guy who eats the lunches of guys who think they’re going to become the next big thing.”
Caffrey makes a feeding motion.
“All that stewing and worrying does is cloud your judgment and cause you to talk out your ass. You thought I retired, I just couldn’t get a job, bud. You can delusionally blame me for Drake, but we both know you have no friends besides Sinclair and anyone else you brainwash. But instead of spending all of your time thinking about how everyone else sucks and preaching about the world's shittiest salvation, surely you could’ve asked one of the 60 wrestlers I beat at 2020’s XHF Rumble whether or not I had retired.”
Caffrey goes to count again, realizes he doesn’t have sixty fingers, and moves on.
“Then again, it’s a miracle I even got mentioned, you’re so self-obsessed I had to rewatch the first week of End of Days to figure out you fought Al Jabroni. I don’t really care about ‘your divine purpose’, fact is I KNOW you can’t back that in the ring against me. You think you’re the first guy to want to end FIRESIDE? Go ask the last handful how having their boot shoved in their mouth tastes. And I saw what you did to that priest-- I can say I know you because I’ve beaten bullies like you before. You live on intimidation, domination, fear, pain, and suffering… and I have two words for all that…”
We catch Caffrey looking down at his groin before looking back up at the camera.
“So what?”
Caffrey’s fiery determination shines through. He is not in the least bit intimidated, catching himself on a roll where words just shoot out of his mouth.
“So what? Pain is temporary, making cringeworthy Renee Zellwegger references and trying to claim that Redmond Fury shot Alexander Hamilton is apparently your forever. The story of Sunday night isn't going to be about that fear or pain. It's gonna be that you can’t bully a guy who’s taller than you, heavier than you, out-scouted you, knows more than you, is more liked than you, and is a better technical wrestler than you. I know underneath of all that wickedness shit is a pained man wanting to inflict his suffering on others. You'll be left wanting on Sunday. My higher cause is doing the right thing for millions of people while yours is a false front for the urge to rule. Bring it, Donny, I’m sure it’ll suck just as bad as last week, and I’m also sure I'll pop right back up all the same. You can’t dominate me and I don’t have time to fix you this week-- instead, I’m gonna knock you on your ass with the elbow that blacked out Dylan Black and break your ankle so thoroughly you’re left hobbling away to whatever hole Paul crawled into!”
Caffrey passionately mimes hobbling away on crutches. He takes a few seconds to regain his composure, seemingly realizing where he’s yelling.
“And it starts… here. While you were bullying someone smaller than you to try to feel like a tough guy, you completely missed that this is a Bounce House of Friendship Match. You are distinctly at a disadvantage. Which is it gonna be, Donzig? Are you gonna wear shoes, lose some of that already-limited mobility, and potentially fall or twist your ankle before I even get my hands on you; or are you gonna wear socks and have no protection against one of the greatest submissions the XHF’s ever seen?”
Caffrey extends his arms out, giving a hearty shrug.
“The fact I think about this shit while you’re busy jerking off to being a bad person shows me who’s more ready for this match, Donny.”
Caffrey waves his hand in an unflattering motion before ducking through the bounce house’s exit, beginning to round third and head for home.
“It starts in there and continues out here. This Sunday… this Sunday, if I know North Carolina, 1,000 fans can easily sound like ten times that number. Those people aren't perfect, sinners as you might call ‘em, but guess what? Neither am I. But we all know to do the right thing, which in this case is rooting for me to cleanse the XHF of the Scourge.”
Caffrey smiles.
“So this Sunday, when it’s a man who can only dream of reforming the XHF vs. the man that actually did it, who put in the homework and hard work, determination, and willpower…”
Caffrey gestures back towards the Hearth.
“...and who’s only one match away from making his Hearth debut in front of everyone he takes pain and suffering for, everyone he fights for, everyone he loves…”
He turns, gesturing towards his city with a heart full of pride.
“...well, you’re about to see the Purple Emperor bounce another asshole out of this tournament.”
The last thing we see is Caffrey look out at his city and back at the Hearth one more time; familiarizing himself with the thought that the end is in sight.