Post by codeapathy on Oct 15, 2021 22:49:48 GMT -5
"I don't understand why you keep pushing yourself. What's so bad about slowing down and giving your body a rest?"
"I'm not ready..."
++Some things in life are matter of fact. Death, taxes, corrupt politicians. In this business, there are also areas in which the same concept applies. Fact. Every single one of our careers has an expiration date on it. We just don't know when, or how. Some unlucky bastards both expire professionally and literally at the same time. Death. It's been over ten years. None of which were without injury or issue. Concussions, a coma, a bad botch in a cage match, fucking up my neck. While it is hard to face ones own mortality, it is also tough to face the longevity of your career. I know my timer is drawing down. If I look hard enough I can see just the tip of the end. Eoin was younger than I by 10 years. He still had a lot of life left in his career. It was easy to ask me to slow down, when you weren't in the same predicament or had never come close to losing your career before. He hadn't. Dusk had just settled in. I shifted in the rattan chair and turned towards him, narrowing my eyes and sneering. He sat back, an attempt to maintain distance, and took a swig from his Guinness. I snatched my cigarette case from the small table in front of us and popped a clove in my mouth, flicking the zippo to light. I took a nice, long drag and then blew the smoke right into his face++
Elizabeth: I will go out on my own terms. I will slow down when I feel the need to slow down. This is my career, not yours and not you nor any doctor, or any arm chair smark is going to tell me what to do with it. My blood went into the foundation of my career. It was MY sweat that built my reputation. It was MY struggling and determination to overcome. I will be damned if anyone gets a say in when I should slow down or when I should walk away. Not even you. I appreciate your concern, but we agreed, unless asked, we would each stay out of the others career decisions.
Eoin: Lizzy, I'm just tryin' to understand why? What more is there you need to achieve? What haven't you done yet? I just....don't understand you're logic lass.
Elizabeth: I...wish I knew. Maybe it's an addiction? There was a time in my life that I had that American Dream of settling down, with a white picket fence and devoting my time to animal rescues or something. I wanted that more than anything in the world. To me that was the ultimate end goal. Then the train jumped the tracks. One bad event after another. Misfortune followed me. I don't even need to delve deeper, we've had these talks.
Eoin: Yes. We have. That still doesn't make me worry any less woman. You know what the doctors have said Lizzy, one more serious injury like the one in the cage match, you might not walk away. You're me wife god damnit! Bullshite I don't get a say in your career. You forget girl I put me own career on the shelf when you got injured. I stayed home with ye, looked after you and took care of you. I was willing to end my career to do it because you're me top priority lass. Am I wrong to expect the same in return?
++I turned back away from him, ashing the cigarette onto the terra cotta tile. He was the only man alive that could get away with talking to me like that. I've destroyed the careers and lives of men for less. The truth was, he kept me grounded. Tethered to reality. Too often did I act with reckless abandon and not take a second to consider safety or self-preservation. Someone had too. His heart was in the right place, I just wasn't ready. There was still a void I needed to fill. Of course this whole exchange was the result of him finding out I had signed up with another outfit to work. It made me wonder if he was able to travel with me, he wouldn't be so obstinate right now++
Elizabeth: You are not wrong to expect it. Mo stor, I am so blessed to have you around and your concerns are not without merit. I know, Eoin. I know if I get another concussion, one more severe back injury, anything at all, it's game over. I know it and I stare it in the face every day. Every morning I wake up and it hurts to move, I stare at it. Cryotherapy sessions, injections, right there in the back of my mind. A little voice reminding me that time is ticking. Love, I know I'm just not ready. I know I'm being selfish. I know you dread the day you get police at your door, or a phone call with the news. I feel like shit that I put you through this but I...I can't. Not yet. I just want to enjoy it a little longer because the truth is Eoin, the idea of slowing down terrifies me. The knowledge that my career is going to be ending sooner than later, terrifies me. I gave up on that silly dream of white picket fences a long time ago. It never was for me. Our own relationship is one fucked up beautiful trauma. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I just...can't stop. I don't even know the people I'm stepping in the ring with. I'm not familiar with their style, I'm not versed on their work I just know an opportunity has been presented and I have to do what I do best. Entertain. I'm walking into that match blind, with no assumptions or opinions. In my eyes we are all equals. I am quite sure their view on the match differs but that isn't my business.
I am only responsible for my own actions. First impressions are everything and outside of one or two names, I'm practically an unknown. It's a challenge Eoin. Going into a market or area where I'm not known and being able to test myself, test my skills and challenge myself. Interacting with new people, foreign to me and studying them. You can't improve surrounded by the same faces and a neon sign over your head that says "Target". Working in these other companies gives me a sense of anonymity. This is no different. Besides Eoin, I have so much experience and knowledge to share. Yet there is also so many things I haven't learned yet. The best way I can do that is to keep active. Work new outfits. I'm addicted to it, I know. It's my vice and I accept that. I know my vice hurts you and causes you worry and I'm so sorry about that. It isn't because I don't love you or respect you, or I don't care about your feelings or thoughts, just let me ask you something. Put yourself in my position. How would you feel if I told you to slow down? Change your plans? Maybe shift to a backstage role? Especially if you felt that you had more to give to the business?
Eoin: Well played. It was a different thing when I was willin' to give up me own career for your sake. That was a totally different situation yeah? You were injured and possibly needed long term care so yeah, sure, I was alright with the idea of me walkin' away from the ring because you needed me. But if you want me to be honest lass, thinkin' about it, I'd think I'd be as fuckin' irritated as you are love. I wouldn't want nobody tellin' me that my time is up either. Alright lass, you made your point. don't mean I'm any more comfortable with it though.
++Compromise. He hated it. We were two alpha wolves circling each other. Protective and posessive. He knew what he signed up for, it was why he signed up to begin with. No matter how much I irritated or vexed him, deep down he loved it. He loved my independence. He admired my drive and dedication to the business and my career. It was true we had been through a lot. Maybe more than we should have. Losing the baby two years ago didn't really help. I snuffed out my cigarette and exhaled, propping my chin up with my hands clasped together++
Elizabeth: I promise to be careful. And if something feels off, I will trust my instinct. I'm not a porcelain doll mo stor. I'm a warrior. Besides I am quite anxious to step in the ring with some new faces. You know how I love to study people. I think this could be therapeutic to be honest. This venture has that new car smell all over it and I like it. Besides, what's wrong with upping my saturation rate a little? A little territory expansion never hurt anyone.
"I'm not ready..."
++Some things in life are matter of fact. Death, taxes, corrupt politicians. In this business, there are also areas in which the same concept applies. Fact. Every single one of our careers has an expiration date on it. We just don't know when, or how. Some unlucky bastards both expire professionally and literally at the same time. Death. It's been over ten years. None of which were without injury or issue. Concussions, a coma, a bad botch in a cage match, fucking up my neck. While it is hard to face ones own mortality, it is also tough to face the longevity of your career. I know my timer is drawing down. If I look hard enough I can see just the tip of the end. Eoin was younger than I by 10 years. He still had a lot of life left in his career. It was easy to ask me to slow down, when you weren't in the same predicament or had never come close to losing your career before. He hadn't. Dusk had just settled in. I shifted in the rattan chair and turned towards him, narrowing my eyes and sneering. He sat back, an attempt to maintain distance, and took a swig from his Guinness. I snatched my cigarette case from the small table in front of us and popped a clove in my mouth, flicking the zippo to light. I took a nice, long drag and then blew the smoke right into his face++
Elizabeth: I will go out on my own terms. I will slow down when I feel the need to slow down. This is my career, not yours and not you nor any doctor, or any arm chair smark is going to tell me what to do with it. My blood went into the foundation of my career. It was MY sweat that built my reputation. It was MY struggling and determination to overcome. I will be damned if anyone gets a say in when I should slow down or when I should walk away. Not even you. I appreciate your concern, but we agreed, unless asked, we would each stay out of the others career decisions.
Eoin: Lizzy, I'm just tryin' to understand why? What more is there you need to achieve? What haven't you done yet? I just....don't understand you're logic lass.
Elizabeth: I...wish I knew. Maybe it's an addiction? There was a time in my life that I had that American Dream of settling down, with a white picket fence and devoting my time to animal rescues or something. I wanted that more than anything in the world. To me that was the ultimate end goal. Then the train jumped the tracks. One bad event after another. Misfortune followed me. I don't even need to delve deeper, we've had these talks.
Eoin: Yes. We have. That still doesn't make me worry any less woman. You know what the doctors have said Lizzy, one more serious injury like the one in the cage match, you might not walk away. You're me wife god damnit! Bullshite I don't get a say in your career. You forget girl I put me own career on the shelf when you got injured. I stayed home with ye, looked after you and took care of you. I was willing to end my career to do it because you're me top priority lass. Am I wrong to expect the same in return?
++I turned back away from him, ashing the cigarette onto the terra cotta tile. He was the only man alive that could get away with talking to me like that. I've destroyed the careers and lives of men for less. The truth was, he kept me grounded. Tethered to reality. Too often did I act with reckless abandon and not take a second to consider safety or self-preservation. Someone had too. His heart was in the right place, I just wasn't ready. There was still a void I needed to fill. Of course this whole exchange was the result of him finding out I had signed up with another outfit to work. It made me wonder if he was able to travel with me, he wouldn't be so obstinate right now++
Elizabeth: You are not wrong to expect it. Mo stor, I am so blessed to have you around and your concerns are not without merit. I know, Eoin. I know if I get another concussion, one more severe back injury, anything at all, it's game over. I know it and I stare it in the face every day. Every morning I wake up and it hurts to move, I stare at it. Cryotherapy sessions, injections, right there in the back of my mind. A little voice reminding me that time is ticking. Love, I know I'm just not ready. I know I'm being selfish. I know you dread the day you get police at your door, or a phone call with the news. I feel like shit that I put you through this but I...I can't. Not yet. I just want to enjoy it a little longer because the truth is Eoin, the idea of slowing down terrifies me. The knowledge that my career is going to be ending sooner than later, terrifies me. I gave up on that silly dream of white picket fences a long time ago. It never was for me. Our own relationship is one fucked up beautiful trauma. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I just...can't stop. I don't even know the people I'm stepping in the ring with. I'm not familiar with their style, I'm not versed on their work I just know an opportunity has been presented and I have to do what I do best. Entertain. I'm walking into that match blind, with no assumptions or opinions. In my eyes we are all equals. I am quite sure their view on the match differs but that isn't my business.
I am only responsible for my own actions. First impressions are everything and outside of one or two names, I'm practically an unknown. It's a challenge Eoin. Going into a market or area where I'm not known and being able to test myself, test my skills and challenge myself. Interacting with new people, foreign to me and studying them. You can't improve surrounded by the same faces and a neon sign over your head that says "Target". Working in these other companies gives me a sense of anonymity. This is no different. Besides Eoin, I have so much experience and knowledge to share. Yet there is also so many things I haven't learned yet. The best way I can do that is to keep active. Work new outfits. I'm addicted to it, I know. It's my vice and I accept that. I know my vice hurts you and causes you worry and I'm so sorry about that. It isn't because I don't love you or respect you, or I don't care about your feelings or thoughts, just let me ask you something. Put yourself in my position. How would you feel if I told you to slow down? Change your plans? Maybe shift to a backstage role? Especially if you felt that you had more to give to the business?
Eoin: Well played. It was a different thing when I was willin' to give up me own career for your sake. That was a totally different situation yeah? You were injured and possibly needed long term care so yeah, sure, I was alright with the idea of me walkin' away from the ring because you needed me. But if you want me to be honest lass, thinkin' about it, I'd think I'd be as fuckin' irritated as you are love. I wouldn't want nobody tellin' me that my time is up either. Alright lass, you made your point. don't mean I'm any more comfortable with it though.
++Compromise. He hated it. We were two alpha wolves circling each other. Protective and posessive. He knew what he signed up for, it was why he signed up to begin with. No matter how much I irritated or vexed him, deep down he loved it. He loved my independence. He admired my drive and dedication to the business and my career. It was true we had been through a lot. Maybe more than we should have. Losing the baby two years ago didn't really help. I snuffed out my cigarette and exhaled, propping my chin up with my hands clasped together++
Elizabeth: I promise to be careful. And if something feels off, I will trust my instinct. I'm not a porcelain doll mo stor. I'm a warrior. Besides I am quite anxious to step in the ring with some new faces. You know how I love to study people. I think this could be therapeutic to be honest. This venture has that new car smell all over it and I like it. Besides, what's wrong with upping my saturation rate a little? A little territory expansion never hurt anyone.